Original subtitles

Hi, hi, hotel honcho.

So aren't you gonna ask me?

I-- I wasn't going to,

but how was teaching that TV production class?

Dick, you didn't raise your hand.

[ Giggles ]

-[ Phone rings ] -[ Clears throat ]

Hello, Stratford Inn.

Oh, hi, Bev.

Uh, Michael?

Yeah, he's-- he's standing here, uh, uh, waving his arms

and making faces.

Hi, Bev. Finally tracked you down.

Yeah.

I know I promised you ideas for that new time slot,

and I've got scads of 'em.

Yeah, but Dick's been

all over my back this week about Vermont Today .

Well, you know these stars.

Oops, Dick's makin' outrageous demands

even as we speak. I gotta go.

Michael, don't use me as an excuse

for ducking Bev.

Gee, Dick, you weren't eavesdropping?

Hi, nanny. Your professor's here!

Michael, nannies can be old.

I like your dessert nicknames much better.

It's filed.

Oh, and before we go, cupcake--

[ Happy sigh ]

I've got kind of a favor to ask you.

Well, it's not the way we usually do things,

but go ahead.

Well, I was just wondering

if you'd come with me to class on Thursday.

I-- I thought one way to get those kids

really sparked on TV production

would be to show them

the kinda chicks we producers get.

I guarantee you oodles of envy.

Oh, Michael.

You're such a salesman.

[ Laughs ]

Let me get my coat and we can go shopping

and show those kids the kind of outfit

a producer's paycheck can buy.

You scratch my back, I clothe yours.

And, Dick, don't be jealous.

I haven't finished handing out the classroom favors yet.

Well, now that Producer's Chick is gone,

what's-- what's left?

Type this on your resume: Guest Lecturer.

Those kids are just drooling

to hear from a small market talent.

So can I pencil you in?

Oh, Michael, you're such a salesman.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

You must be a guest.

Well, I'm off-duty, but--

Joanna, there's a guest!

There you go.

Hello.

Oh, hi. I'm Bill Coder.

You have a reservation for me?

Okay.

Boy, I'm really exhausted.

I just drove straight through from Austin.

2,000 miles in 32 hours just to catch the fall colors.

And I've only got a week.

That's why I came to the only place

that would guarantee a specific date

for the leaves changing colors:

the Stratford Inn.

Uh, Mr. Coder,

no one can predict the exact date

the leaves will change.

But I called ahead.

And someone here promised me I'd see the fall colors.

Ah, the fall colors.

Raspberry red, lemon yellow, orange orange.

You must be the guy I talked to.

Bill Coder?

Uh-huh.

George, you didn't by any chance promise Mr. Coder

the leaves would change color this week?

Sure did.

George, don't answer the phone anymore.

Is there gonna be some problem?

Don't worry.

I've been living in this town 57 years,

and every autumn,

the leaves change right after

the last blossom falls off the hibiscus out front.

Sure enough,

there's only one left, and it's dangling.

Great.

Come on, Bill.

I'll show you my photo album

of every change since '53 to sorta get you hepped up.

The change of '71 was really breathtaking.

I could just kick myself for not splurging

on color film that year.

So...

summing up my philosophy, I say,

"Forget PBS, just go for the bucks."

Steve?

Are there any openings at your station, Mr. Harris?

Well, Steve, as I told you at the last class

and over the phone yesterday, no.

Any other questions?

Mr. Harris, is the TV producer's job

as great as you've been telling us?

Generally, it's great.

[ Chuckles ]

But it has its rough spots.

Like every 10 years or so,

television buckles under to the outcry

for quality programming

from small bands of snobby elitists.

Your best bet during these periods

is to just lay low,

because eventually the viewing public

will stand up as one and say,

"We want the chimp show."

I have an idea for a show

about a family torn apart by divorce,

but it could work just as well with chimps.

Mr. Harris, I've been working on a script

about the struggle of living with agoraphobia.

Chelsea, that's a perfect example

of the trouble with TV movies lately.

They've been so busy glorifying trendy diseases

and torching spouses on their Sertas

that... they've forgotten to have fun.

So in your professional opinion, Mr. Harris,

what does make a good television movie?

Simple.

You just reunite the cast of any '70s sitcom

or family drama

for a wedding or a funeral,

depending on the health of the older actors

and...

you've got yourselves a two hour...

through-the-roofer.

Your biggest problem is recasting the holdouts,

but sometimes God is with you.

For instance,

when they went to redo What's Happening ,

the entire cast was available.

What about originality?

Now, what's all this obsession with originality?

I predict someday

that the word "rehash" will be an art term.

Know what I think television really needs?

More heart.

Exactly my point.

What's got more heart...

than Keith, Laurie, Danny, all the Partridge kids,

reunited to sing at the wedding of their mom, Shirley

to Rueben Kincaid?

Not television heart,

uh, normal people with real concerns.

Why not a citizen's forum?

Sort of an electronic soapbox?

-Hey. -Not bad.

Yeah. Any chance, Mr. Harris?

It lacks something. Some twist.

Maybe if you cast

Audrey and Judy Landers as the real people, with...

maybe Jimmy Osmond heading up the house band.

You're missin' the point, Mr. Harris.

Oh?

I think my success as a producer speaks for itself.

And I say, Landers or not,

you've got yourself a yawnfest.

Oh, are you here to clap the erasers?

[ Giggles ]

Only kidding.

[ Giggles ]

It's our guest celebrity,

Dick Loudon of Vermont Today .

Michael, I-- I think I've brought their envy to a peak,

so I'm going to go now.

I wish you all lots of success.

[ Giggles ]

Well, I guess there's nothing else to do

but bring on our guest.

I hope he's not nervous, because, usually,

he doesn't have this big an audience.

[ Giggles ]

Here-- here he is, Dick-- Dick Loudon.

[ Some clapping ]

Oh. [ Clears throat ]

Thank you for that smattering of-- of applause.

[ Clears throat ]

Mr. Loudon, Steve Windsell.

Is it true there's a lot of nepotism

in this business?

Because if it is,

I've been checking out a few things,

and I may be distantly related to you.

As well as to you, Mr. Harris.

My-- my guess is that you're probably

more related to-- to Mr. Harris.

Now, uh, can we break up this emotional family reunion

and, uh--

and get to tonight's subject, local television?

I-- I-- I can't tell you what a pleasure it is

to be able to talk in class

without getting yelled at.

[ Laughs ]

Good joke, Mr. Harris.

Mist-- Mr. Harris?

That's right.

Nothing comes out of your mouth

that hasn't gone through Mr. Harris' typewriter.

Remember about insulating the on-air talent

from the cold realities of the business?

E-- Exactly what did he say?

Well, Mr. Harris told us

that as Vermont Today 's talking head,

you're more or less his puppet.

Mi-- Michael, what--

what have you been telling these people?

Oh, Mr. Harris,

is this gonna be one of those famous tantrums

you told us about?

Michael, last night was, without exception,

the most humiliating of my life.

Especially that part about me being your puppet!

Dick, Dick, put the past behind you.

We've got a production meeting to do here.

So this puppet,

it should look a lot like Dick?

Is Michael here?

And-- and bless the production meeting and--

and please keep-- keep us on budget.

-Oh, Bev. -Michael,

I'm still waiting to hear your ideas for the new show.

We've only got 8 days to put whatever it is on the air,

so I want your ideas and I want them now.

Well, Bev, I-- I was, uh,

trying to buy some time to-- to flesh them out,

but the basic concepts are ooh, ooh, hot!

So is the water you're standing in.

Okay.

Sizzler number one.

I call it Runners-Up: What Might Have Been .

See, we get runners-up, you know, like, uh,

the first runner-up of this year's

Miss Green Mountain contest or--

or the kid who came in second in the state spelling bee.

And we get those losers on the show

and invite them to badmouth the winners on camera!

[ Giggles ]

I see bitterness, I see crying, I see swimwear,

at least in the case of that Near-Miss Green Mountain.

Michael, I'm not interested in turning WPIV

into a freak show.

Oh.

Are you against freak show as a concept

or just as a title?

I'm looking for something with heart.

Heart.

What have you got with heart, Michael?

Heart.

Okay.

How 'bout...

... Battle of the Senior Citizens !

Athletic competition between rival retirement homes.

Old folks scream heart.

Yeah, especially after

about three laps around the track.

Michael,

I'm interested in quality, not body count.

Obviously I was wrong about you.

Programming isn't your future.

Bev, if you just give me a couple more days--

I'm gonna make a few phone calls,

see if I can't scramble up something last minute

to fill the slot for now.

And, Michael,

I want you in my office in 10 minutes.

Dibs on his parking space.

Oh, heart. Heart!

[ Chuckles ]

How about, uh,

Citizens Forum?

Real people, real gripes?

Nah.

I like it.

Kind of a-- an open microphone, man-on-the-street,

what's your beef!

Michael, I n-- I never thought I'd say this about

one of your ideas,

and-- and it-- it worries me,

but I-- I-- I like it too.

Well, it's kinda rough, but I-- I know I can make it work.

I mean, picture the Landers sisters

as the real people...

I'm-- I'm not worried anymore.

Michael, it was perfect the way you first said it.

Simple, uncluttered television with heart.

We could have it on the air by Saturday.

Congratulations.

Bev, it's just, I don't feel right pitching this show.

I mean, it's-- it's just--

you put a lot of pressure on me.

Obviously you work best under pressure.

ALL: Great idea, Michael.

How are you coming with those leaves, George?

Not so good.

That stupid blossom is still dangling,

and the leaves won't change 'til it falls.

But why don't you just pluck it, George?

I don't wanna play God, Joanna.

George, did you ever think

that even if the blossom does fall off,

the leaves still might not change?

I didn't hear that, Joanna.

Hi, Mrs. Loudon! Hi, George.

Oh, hi.

I looked outside my window this morning,

and everything was sure green.

And you seem okay with that.

Oh, sure.

I read that the longer the leaves stay green,

the more vibrant the colors when they do turn.

Boy, this place must be gearing up for a real show.

Yeah.

I got some serious nudging to do.

[ Sighs ]

I'm sorry, Steph.

Michael, when we're on a date, we do date stuff.

You're supposed to go through your own personal hells

on your own time.

I know the guideline, Steph.

It's just that I'm--

I'm new to this guilt game.

I-- I didn't mean to pitch Neil's idea,

but Bev backed me into a corner.

Michael, [ Sighs ]

remember when you told me,

even though I never really showed any interest,

that part of a producer's job

is to recognize talented people,

promote their ideas, and then claim

as much credit as he can get away with?

Yeah.

So!

You weren't stealing that student's idea,

you were just being the best darn producer you could.

I guess, but--

Michael!

I've done all the cheering up I'm going to.

I would like to see some results now.

Oh, all right.

One more cheery thought, and it's a biggie.

Just remember that you have

the cutest girlfriend in the whole world.

[ Giggles ] I knew I could do it.

[ Kisses ]

Damn, I'm good.

Dick, have you got a mo-mo

for a man-to-man heart-to-heart?

Michael, you actually made my head hurt.

Well, Dick, I've done something wrong.

Not-- not big wrong, but boo boo wrong.

A-- And?

And I just want you to yell at me.

Uh-huh?

Dick, I've been feeling guilty

about what I did to you, you know, yesterday in class

a-- among-- among other things.

I just want you to give me that verbal spanking I deserve.

Just-- just verbal?

Come on, Dick.

Take the safety off that tongue.

[ Sighs ]

All right, Michael. Um,

[ Sighs ]

M-- uh, Michael, you-- you know, that--

that was, um, really a pretty-- you know, pretty--

pretty crummy, uh--

a pretty-- pretty crummy thing that-- that you--

you did to me in class.

Louder, Dick. More venom.

I mean, uh, you told those kids, you know, like, um,

out-- you know, out and out-- out and out lies.

Go with it, Dick. Fist to wood.

I-- I mean, uh, sh-- shame-- shame on you.

M-- Michael, anger isn't something

that I can just call up on--

on the spur of the moment.

I stole Citizen's Forum from a student.

You what?!

That's great, Dick. Just what I came for.

You-- you took an idea from one of the kids?

You-- you slime.

Dick, Dick, I think you're flirting with overkill.

Michael, you had better do the right thing.

I will.

Dick, that, uh-- that right thing?

Could you give me a hint what that is?

Well, it's time for class.

7 o'clock, 6 Central.

[ Giggles ]

Well, before we get started, why don't you, uh--

why don't you hand in your homework assignments?

I can't wait to read your ideas for a spin-off

for Barney Rubble.

Just-- just pass 'em forward.

I guess Barn' didn't spark anyone.

We saw the promo for Citizen's Forum last night.

You know something funny?

Right after I sold Citizen's Forum

to the station,

I couldn't shake the feeling we'd discussed

something similar in class.

You stole that idea from the class.

Well, now I don't think it's quite that simple.

You know how it is when...

a group of people are brainstorming.

After a while, you just sort of forget

who came up with the idea in the first place.

ENTIRE CLASS: It was Neil!

Way-- way to go, Neil.

I want you to know I'm gonna-- I'm gonna do the right thing.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm gonna make sure you get,

uh, the recognition you deserve.

Let's-- let's hear it for Neil.

[ Claps ]

That's not enough.

Well-- Well, what do you want from me?

You know, Neil's not the only one who suffered here.

I was feeling so guilty the other night about Neil,

that it completely ruined a date with Steph.

So then I felt guilty about Steph.

Wait, when I felt guilty about Steph,

I apologized to Steph, so maybe I--

I should...

apologize to Neil. Is that it?

Is that the right thing?

It's worth a try.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

So why do I still feel guilty?

I mean, that's always so cleansing for Steph.

Did that do anything for you, Neil?

Don't talk to me. Talk to my lawyer.

Lawyer?

Nicholas Prescott, Mr. Harris.

I'm not actually a lawyer,

I'm a law student and a friend of Neil's.

So you're just here as a... friend?

And law student.

And, uh, speaking as one who, uh, knows the law,

I think what would make Neil feel better

is the following:

uh, full recognition and credit for Neil Poland

as creator of Citizen's Forum ,

an on-air retraction of previous credits

and financial compensation

not limited to his actual percentage

of the show itself.

And maybe your job.

I see.

Do you have a pass to be here?

VOICEOVER: When we return to Citizen's Forum,

we'll hear from Bobby Terrow,

who'll tell us what it is about Styrofoam cups

that really drives him nuts.

And commercial.

Hi. Hi, hi all.

Michael, where have you been? The show is almost over.

Bev, I know.

I would've been here for the premiere,

but we had an unforeseeable accident

and ran out of gas.

Michael,

who is this?

Oh, Bev, this is one of my students,

Neil Poland.

I predict you'll be hearing his name a lot in the future.

Hopefully in the next five minutes.

Don't worry, Dick.

I'm gonna fess up right now.

Hey, everybody...

How's it goin'?

-It's terrific -Really?

Yep.

I never had a corned beef sandwich

quite this tangy. Want a bite?

Back from commercial in three, two...

VOICEOVER: Styrofoam cups:

modern convenience or Satan's chalice?

Bev, uh, can-- can we discuss Citizen's Forum privately?

Michael, I'm sure it can wait until after the show.

Bev, ac-- actually,

I think this is something you'll wanna discuss

before we-- we roll credits.

Uh, Bev--

Nice frock!

And did-- And did I mention that Neil is the kid

who inspired me to create Citizen's Forum ?

[ Giggles ]

By, uh--

by, uh-- by coming up with the premise, the format,

and the title.

You stole the idea?

Of course not, Bev.

Neil's lawyer friend said the proper phrase is

"unlawful appropriation."

Oh, my God.

Bev, the important thing is I told the truth and-- and--

and the guilt is gone.

However, it's rapidly being replaced

by fear for my job.

But I'm sure that fear will be gone in a minute.

Right, Bev? Once again, dynamite dress.

Miss Dutton, you've gotta come quick.

The whole switchboard is lit up.

Both lines?

People really love the show, huh?

No, they hate it.

23 calls, and they all feel they've got real problems,

and just wish our people would quit whining

about their own petty complaints.

Uh, Vern the gofer, meet Neil, the creator of Citizen's Forum .

But I thought you were the--

Hey, Bud, did you meet Neil, the creator of Citizen's Forum ?

Uh, well-- uh, uh, you know how it is

when a group of people

are brainstorming and-- and-- and before long,

you forget who came up with the idea...

It was Neil!

[ Giggles ]

Dick, you were right.

I told the truth and I feel great!

It was-- his show! His show!

[ Giggles ]

Hey, everybody! Meet Neil!

Sorry about the leaves, Mr. Coder,

but there's always next year.

Actually, there's later this year,

but I guess you can't stay.

That was sorta the reason for calling ahead.

It wasn't such a bad vacation.

Saw them make butter.

Saw them make cheese.

Saw them make maple syrup.

Ate a lot.

Well, I'm sorry George isn't here to see you off.

Actually, I haven't seen him around

since yesterday.

Oh, that's okay.

I'd probably kill him.

Well, so long.

-JOANNA: So long. -GEORGE: Not so fast, Coder.

In living color,

direct from the state of Maine,

autumn leaves!

Oh!

Ah!

Meow.