Original subtitles

So everything in this inn is exactly the way it was

in the 18th century?

That's right.

They had Anso Nylon carpet back then?

Well, uh, yeah.

Those were the-- the more advanced looms.

Oh, you two really seem to have a great life here.

This place is perfect.

Well, almost.

Like, I've always wanted a-- a piano over in here.

People could come in and gather around.

And stare, because no one here knows how to play?

Well, honey,

with all those people standing and staring,

there'd be a lot of pressure on one of us to learn.

[ Chuckles ]

Even without the piano,

this is the best place we have ever stayed.

Oh, we've got one more stop left on the tour.

Dick's study.

Yeah, this is where the magic happens.

[ Chuckles ]

And he writes books in here too.

[ Chuckles ]

Hi. I'm-- Oh.

Finally.

Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

Hi, guys. [ Clears throat ]

Fellas, this is Leah and Kerry Myers.

We were just giving them a tour of the inn.

Oh.

Could we hook up with you now,

or do we have to wait

for the rest of the group to come by?

A-- Actually, the-- the tour is over.

Good.

'Cause we wanted to throw something at ya

and see if it sticks.

[ Gasps ]

It's-- it's all right. It's-- it's just a figure of speech.

Ri-- right, guys?

Yeah. Sorry to disappoint.

Things haven't been going so well at the caf�.

We need your opinion.

About what?

Used food.

How do you feel about it?

Well, that-- that depends.

Wh-- what-- what are you gonna do with it?

Serve it.

See, we've noticed

that we've been gettin' a lot of our food back

with just a couple of bites taken out of it.

We figured if we priced it at a small discount,

Slightly Irregular Hamburger could become quite popular.

Darryl worked out the figures, and it seems

we could get three to five times our return

on a single piece of meat.

[ Clears throat ] Guys, could--

could we talk about this later?

Sure.

How 'bout you guys come over and join us for supper?

Be the first to sample our new idea.

Oh. Well, actually, the second.

Uh, guys, this-- this sounds like

something we should discuss ov-- over the phone.

Yeah.

Okay.

Darryl, let's get to work on a new slogan.

How's this?

Clean the plate...

of someone who didn't.

Friends of yours?

Well, let's-- let's put it this way.

They-- they live in the neighborhood and as--

as innkeepers...

it wouldn't be right to-- to lock the front door.

[ Chuckling ]

Listen, why don't you guys join us for dinner tonight?

We're gonna have baked halibut.

Well, we were gonna check out the scenery.

Well, why don't you have dinner with us and, uh,

look at these?

[ Chuckles ]

Okay, we will.

Great!

I think you're really gonna enjoy the fish.

Joanna and I hardly touched it last night.

Okay, two grapefruit halves.

Uh, but I ordered the jumbo stack of pancakes.

Trust me.

Morning, guys!

-Morning, George. -Morning, George.

Boy, if we had a dog, I'd think he was dead.

We don't, do we?

No. Something worse.

It's the Myers.

Are they dead?

No. No, George.

The Myers are checking out today, and we're gonna miss them.

Oh, darn.

They're leaving already?

Gee, they're probably the nicest couple

I've ever met here.

Not counting you two, of course.

But you don't really count, 'cause you live here.

Of course, it did take me a while to warm up to you two.

Especially you, Dick.

First couple of weeks, I thought you were a real--

George.

Kerry and Leah are just so much fun to be with.

They're the only couple in history

who have ever gotten Dick to play charades.

-Really? Dick, charades? -[ Joanna laughs ]

Well, once I got the hang of it, I was-- I was pretty unbeatable.

They're just two of the most likeable people I've ever met.

Yeah, they were a pretty nice couple.

Stephanie, you liked some guests?

Uh-huh. They were real sweet.

I only had to tell them once and from then on,

they did all their own chores.

Try not to let Kerry and Leah see you like this.

I mean, I'm sure they're feeling bad enough themselves.

Good morning!

I guess they don't like you anywhere as near as much

as you like them.

You're never gonna believe what we just did.

I can't believe what we just did.

What?

Wait, wait.

[ Clears throat ]

-How many words? -Oh!

-Ah! -[ Joanna laughs ]

JOANNA: Okay, good.

-JOANNA: Okay. Four words. - [ Clears throat ]

First word.

Uh, "you".

Gee, Dick, you are good.

JOANNA: Second word.

You bought something. Uh...

You-- you bought a house.

They-- they bought a house.

That's terrific. Where?

In the kitchen!

LEAH: No.

You bought a house in-- in the kitchen.

No, no, no, no, no. Oh. Down the block?

[ Gasps ]

You bought that old Victorian down the block?

-[ Chuckles ] -That's great!

-We're gonna be neighbors! -Wait, wait. There's more.

Uh...

Uh, y-- you.

Uh...

You're turning. You're turning what?

The house!

You're turning the house!

Sorry.

O-- Okay, okay.

You're-- you're turning the house...

In.

You're turning the house in?

You're-- you're turning the house into an inn!

-Yes! -Yeah!

They're turning the house into an inn!

Right-- right down our block.

Looks, uh, much pretty deserted.

[ Chuckles ]

Dick, stop gloating.

We came over here to wish them well.

Right. We-- we-- we do like these people,

and we know how hard it is to--

to get an inn off the ground and...

these people need our support.

[ Laughing ] They call this a lobby?

Dick! Joanna!

Welcome to the Loon Inn.

So what do you think now that it's all done?

Well, I just can't believe you got all this done

in one month.

Gorgeous bay window, lovely wall paper,

and beautiful hardwood floors.

My piano.

Honey, why don't you give Kerry the gift we brought them?

That's my piano.

Dick.

Uh, right. Uh, con-- congratulations.

Oh!

It's supposed to be

the hardest jigsaw puzzle in the world.

3000 pieces, all black.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, we, uh--

we woulda gone crazy the first couple months,

uh, you know, waiting for people to check in

if it hadn't been for that baby.

-Yeah. -[ Chuckles ]

[ Clears throat ]

But then-- then maybe, you know,

you won't-- you won't have that-- that kind of time.

Sorry I wasn't here to greet you.

Can you believe this?

Hey, did you see our review in The Boston Globe ?

No.

Apparently we were the only ones in the free world who didn't.

You won't believe this, Dick,

but we called them up and their travel editor

came running right over.

[ Chuckles ]

Say, I wanted to ask you,

how do you handle your waiting list?

Pret-- pretty-- pretty much like this.

Oh! Oh! Dick, Joanna, this is Susan, our maid.

- Oh, hi. -JOANNA: Hi.

[ Phone rings ]

Oh, boy.

-It just never stops, does it? -[ Chuckles ]

Did you get everyone's kids to sleep?

Oh, one and a half fairy tales, and they were out like a light.

Sounds like you like kids.

Oh, yes, I love them.

You-- you might even like guests too.

I'm a people person. More wine?

I think when God was handing out hired help, he said,

"Watch what I do to the Loudons."

Okay, everybody, you know what time it is!

Time for something terrific, I'll bet.

Yeah.

Gray skies are gonna clear up Put on a happy face

Everybody!

Slap on a smile and cheer up Put on a happy face

Dick, Joanna, get over here!

Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy

It's not your style

You'll look so good that you'll be glad

You decided to smile

Take it, Dick!

So put on a happy face.

[ Fake voice ]

Uh, is, uh, is-- is this the, uh, the Loon Inn?

Do, uh-- do, uh-- do you have-- do you have a room for tonight?

I-- I see. How-- How s-- How soon would--

how soon would one be available?

Oh, I-- I don't know--

I don't know if I-- I can wait that long.

I-- I-- I am an elderly gentleman.

[ Clears throat ] Bye. Bye, sonny.

Dick, you forgot to ask if they have

Prince Albert in a can.

[ Sighs ]

Booked through the end of the year.

Now do you believe me? We're goners.

Honey, don't you think you're making

a little too much out of this?

Oh, I don't know. They open, we close.

Maybe you're right, it's-- it's no big deal.

Good morning, everybody!

Good morning?

Stephanie, it's almost 11 o'clock.

Eleven?

Oh, no. I wanted to be in the stores by 10.

Stephanie, are-- are you ever planning to--

to dust and vacuum again during your stay here?

Well, what on earth for, Dick?

I mean, nobody's here.

Nobody's here, right?

Nobody called ahead for reservations?

Well, no.

Darn. [ Sighs ]

Uh, be-- be-- before you go.

Um...

if we had some guests and-- and they-- and they had kids,

would-- would you consider babysitting for them?

I'd burn my hair first.

[ Clears throat ]

Well, that might entertain the kids.

Oh, good. They're here.

Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl

and this is my other brother Darryl.

We got something to discuss with you.

Well, sure, guys.

We'll break it to you gently.

You're ruining our lives.

Well, all-- all I can say is oops.

All these years, we've been rackin' our brains

trying to come up with some promotional ideas,

i.e.,

used food,

organ meat of the week,

and the disappointing gizzard on a stick.

But now we realize

all the ingenuity in the world

won't help us overcome our biggest liability.

Our location.

Smack dab right next to the black hole of commerce.

We'd like to ask you a favor.

And feel free to say no.

Would you consider shifting your inn

back a few feet

so that there's a more direct view of our place

from the Loon?

No.

Darn.

Looks like we built

our forearms up for nothin'.

Oh, uh-- uh, George, sit-- sit down.

We're gonna have a meeting.

[ Clears throat ]

Uh-oh.

This is it, isn't it?

This is just the way it happened

the last time the inn went under.

Dick,

if this is a meeting

to get more people to come here

so I have to do work again,

I don't really think I wanna be any part of it.

[ Sighs ]

Now, it's--

it's no secret that the business hasn't exactly been booming--

Is that a car?

It is!

They're pulling in.

They've stopped.

They're looking at a map.

They're pointing to the Loon.

They're driving away.

I can't watch anymore.

O--okay, we-- we've played dead long enough.

And we've gotta come up with a plan that'll--

that'll put us back on top.

Dick, while you guys think, is it okay if I start

boarding up a few windows?

George, sit down.

What's the use?

The old owners tried a last-ditch effort

to save this place too.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying the Stratford closed before?

And it might close again?

And if that happened,

I don't suppose you'd keep on paying me.

Well, come on, people. What are we gonna do?

Okay, the first thing to do

is to get this place in tip-top working order,

and since I wanna keep the staff I have,

I think each one of us should come up with a--

a way that we could be better at our-- at our jobs.

All right. [ Clears throat ]

Uh, Joanna.

Okay.

I've been thinking we could put together

a whole pampering weekend package.

Stephanie could even serve people

breakfast in bed.

George?

Well, I-- I might be able to make the basement

into a game room

if Stephanie could help me clean out, uh,

some of the junk and cobwebs.

Great, George.

Stephanie?

Uh, George, going under, was it really that bad?

Hi, hi, Stratford Inn--mates.

[ Kisses ] Still doing solitary?

Michael, we're in the middle of a meeting.

Oh, you mean about this place going belly-up?

Well, uh, listen,

I've been giving the problem some thought

and I think I've come up with a solution.

Picture the neon:

Dick's Rendezvous Inn.

Heart-shaped beds,

a few well-placed mirrors, [ Snaps fingers ]

you've got a whole new ambiance here.

No!

Trust me, the only way to fight quality

is with sleaze.

Okay.

I've got one more idea in the winner's circle.

Start rumors about the other place, huh?

Maybe that poltergeist thing?

Or no, wait.

The ghost from Amityville .

Give it up, Michael.

Well, Joanna, that spook had to go somewhere.

Who's to say it's not right down the street?

It could be. Everybody else is.

[ Cheerful piano tune ]

George, I didn't know you played?

Well, I don't really. That's all I know.

Just-- just the one song?

No, just the one intro.

See, last year at the Beaver Pancake Fest,

I won a one-hour piano lesson from Mrs. Klinkerman.

At, uh, Klinkerman's Piano and Tractor Emporium.

But, you know, Dick,

uh, it takes more than an hour to learn how to play the piano.

So that was as far as she could teach me

before the timer dinged.

I hate this stupid dress.

It makes me look like a maid.

And the people who just pulled into the driveway

are probably gonna see me in it.

George, go look and make sure they're getting out of the car!

No way.

I've been burned too many times.

A-- A-- All right, this is it.

It's the beginning of the new and improved Stratford Inn.

All right, every-- everybody. Line-- Line up.

[ Clears throat ]

[ Birds chirping ]

Welcome to the Stratford.

I actually come from a very wealthy background.

Stephanie.

Well, you made me wear this.

[ Chuckles ]

Hi. I'm-- I'm Dick-- I'm Dick Loudon,

and this is my fun-loving wife, Joanna--

[ Chuckles ]

--and everybody's pal, George.

I'm-- I'm sure we're gonna be real, real good friends.

[ Chuckles ]

Hors d'oeuvres?

No, thanks.

My daddy could buy and sell you.

Stephanie, would you please go and get...

Room Four ready?

Um, uh, actually, I think we'd like to wait

just a little while.

Why?

Well, see, we're on standby at the Loon.

I humiliated myself for nothing!

Look, honey.

You can see the other inn from the porch.

It's almost like we're there.

Yeah, it's, uh, quite a-- a photo opportunity

right out there along-- along that railing.

[ Phone rings ]

Oh, if that's for you, could-- could you keep it short,

in case the Loon's trying to get through to us?

[ Phone ringing ]

He--hello, uh, Strat-- Stratford Inn.

Well, you're-- you're in luck. It-- it's the Loon.

Be nice.

O--o--okay, I'll tell 'em.

Uh, it-- it doesn't-- it doesn't look good.

Oh.

Now what are we supposed to do?

Well, you know, I know this may be kinda out of left field,

but, uh,

I mean, you know, you could stay here.

What do you think?

[ Sighs ]

Well, it's either this place or sleeping in the car.

Well, we don't have to decide now.

No.

I mean, there's no chance you're gonna fill up, right?

Naw.

Uh, but in-- but in five minutes,

uh, everybody's pal George will throw you out.

Okay.

Okay, Room 4.

Top of the stairs to your right,

and George will bring up your luggage.

Honey, it won't be that bad.

I hate this place. I feel like I'm in hell!

Well, our first guests

of the new, improved Stratford.

Yes, what I've always wanted,

a hotel full of bitter Loon rejects.

Someone's coming up the walk.

-[ Gasps ] -Okay, everybody.

-Let's get into our positions-- -I'm not lining up

until I know they're staying.

[ Clears throat ]

-Kerry, Leah! -Hi.

Oh, good, people with servants of their own.

LEAH: Mind if we sit down for a while?

We just wanted to go someplace for a few minutes

of peace and quiet.

Funny-- funny our place

would've popped into your mind.

Boy, you guys have it made.

This is the kind of inn we wanted to build.

How do you create such a quiet, relaxed atmosphere?

Hey, we're-- we're not giving away

all our secrets.

[ Clears throat ]

If we wanted the rat race,

we would've stayed in the city.

This word of mouth is killing us.

Tell you the truth, Dick, we're thinking of selling.

You, uh-- you-- you are?

Someone's already made you an offer.

The bizarre thing is,

they don't even wanna use it as an inn.

They just wanna live there.

Do you think we should sell?

We're probably not the people to ask.

Oh, come on. Talk us out of it.

Don't-- don't sell.

Nice try, Dick, but we really have to.

We're gonna miss you guys.

All I can say is, um, ditto.

Well, thanks for all your help.

I guess we'd better get back and start...

cancelling all those reservations.

Oh! We could refer them all to the Stratford.

Oh, no. Couldn't do that to Dick and Joanna.

-[ Chuckles ] -Well, it--

you know, it'd be a nightmare, but,

you know, feel-- feel free just, um, just--

just this once, you know?

Aw, you guys.

Oh.

Bye.

[ Sighs ]

Well, we shut 'em down inside of a month.

Meow.