Original subtitles

[ Gasping ]

Is something wrong, Stephanie?

In the kitchen. Something fuzzy. Moving.

Like-- like a grizzly?

Only worse.

Smaller and spider-shaped.

So what you're saying is there's a bug in the kitchen.

Kill it, Michael!

And make it suffer!

Uh, actually, Steph, spiders have an awfully short life span.

If you leave it alone, it'll die in a few months.

Okay, I'll get it.

But if it casts a shadow, it's yours.

Uh, honey,

make it suffer.

Hi. I'm Larry, party of one.

[ Clears throat ]

Where-- where's your-- your brother Darryl and--

and your other brother Darryl?

I got them readin' an Archie comic.

It's the one where Archie has to choose

between Betty and Veronica,

so it's impossible to put down.

That ought to leave us enough time to talk privately.

Uh, why?

Miss Stephanie, do you mind?

I'm about to say something that may shock and revolt.

Well,

two things my parents sent me to boarding school to avoid.

Main squeeze on your heel, Steph.

La-- uh, Larry, since this is a-- a-- a family secret,

why don't you--

you just share it with-- with your brothers and--

and-- and leave it, you know, at that?

Well, they don't take surprises very well.

They're still reelin' from England goin' metric.

Ok-- Okay, let me have it.

Well, I've discovered a skeleton in our closet.

And it's not as pleasant as it sounds.

Brace yourself.

Is, uh-- is this okay?

The other night, while I was up at--

Oops. Here they come. Act casual.

Pretend we're comparin' belly buttons.

Oh.

Hi, Darryl. Why are you back so early?

Have you-- have you finished that comic book already?

Wait a minute.

I know.

You couldn't stand the suspense

so you skipped to the back, didn't you?

Well, I killed that spider.

So that's what first attracted you to her.

Come on, Darryl.

So which way did Archie go? Blonde or brunette?

[ Clears throat ]

What was that about?

Belly buttons, skeletons, the-- you know, the usual.

I think I'll have a coffee with two lumps, because--

[ Music plays ] [ Clears throat ]

That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh

I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

[ Clears throat ]

George, you, uh-- you-- you wanna talk about this?

Uh, that's one of the selections on my new sing-along machine.

The Portable Lounge Lizard?

Yeah. It has over 100 hit songs you can choose from.

Everything from "Edelweiss" to "Another One Bites the Dust."

Uh, talk-- talk about your gamuts.

And it has professional arrangements,

back-up singers, and even--

[ Echoing ] --an echo effect.

George, I never knew you were

so crazy about singing and echoing.

GEORGE: I love it.

For years, I've been afraid to sing aloud.

When I was 11, I tried out

for the junior high school glee club.

After they heard me sing, they made me a listener.

Now, at last,

the technology has come along to make me sound like a pro.

[ Music starts ]

Whether I'm right

Or whether I'm wrong

Whether I find a place in this world

Or never belong

I gotta be me

Go on home.

I gotta be me

Boy, George, I-- I bet that would--

that would sound real good with--

with the acoustics, you know, up-- up in your room.

You think so, Dick?

Yes, George.

And the echo effect will sound best

with the door closed,

because you'll have those

four solid walls working for you.

Yeah.

I'm gonna try it right now, 'cause--

[ Clears throat ] [ Music plays ]

That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh

[ Clears throat ]

Wh-- Why don't good things ever happen to us?

[ Gasps ]

-Hi. I'm Larry-- -Larry!

What are you doing here?

My. Aren't we grouchy in the morning?

Larry, we--

We wake up completely different when you're not in our bed.

How'd you get in?

Window, ladder, Batman-like climbing.

How long have you been here?

Since 4:00 a.m.

Strange. I always had you pegged as stomach sleepers.

Uh, Larry, uh, two things:

tell us why you're here and get, uh--

and get-- get off the bed.

It has to do with that ...family secret

that's been gnawin' at my innards.

About a week ago, I was up in the attic

cuttin' back the weeds,

and I came across this old knick-knack drawer.

And inside, right behind some knicks,

there was an old box.

I opened it up and discovered these three documents.

What are they?

Three birth certificates.

Mine, Darryl's and Darryl's.

You know what this proves? Brace yourself.

Like-- like this, honey.

[ Clears throat ]

It proves we weren't born in the same sequence I thought.

All these years I assumed that I was the oldest brother.

I'm not.

Darryl is.

This could throw our whole family out of kilter.

Larry, I'm-- I'm afraid that ship has sailed.

Larry, forget what the documents say.

Are you sure you weren't first?

I mean, when you were born, do you remember

having to share a pacifier?

All I seem to remember was...

the midwife delivered a heifer and a Darryl at the same time.

And there was quite a bit of nursing confusion.

I don't know how I'm going to keep this secret from Darryl.

Well, why don't you just tell your brothers the truth?

This could really affect the way we deal with each other.

Why? You-- you three could be the same as you were.

If--

if that's what you're shooting for.

Well, it sure would take a load off my gut.

Okay. I'll go spill the beans to Darryl.

I'll let you know how it works out.

And, uh, Larry, um,

from now on, our-- our bedroom is--

is by invitation only.

Okay. I'll be waitin' for it.

--and I'm his other brother, Larry.

What-- what-- what happened here?

I took your advice and showed Darryl the certificates.

You see the results. I've been coup'd.

But, Larry, you--

you've always been the one in charge.

I-- I'm sure Darryl respects that.

You think so?

Well, maybe I have been a bit premature to--

Oops.

Sorry.

We didn't mean to shake up the family.

Might as well have attached us to Elvis's hips.

Stupid, stupid weather!

What's wrong, Stephanie?

Well, we were walking down to the drugstore

when a wind kicked up and poor Steph got mussed.

And there were people.

I tried to get your sunglasses on as fast as I could.

But not fast enough.

We're gonna have to drill on that.

Miss Stephanie, normally I'd sympathize with your near muss,

but I've got upheavals of my own.

What's that, Larry?

Meet Darryl.

Tall, dark, and in charge.

Darryl found out he's the oldest.

Along with all the other responsibilities,

he'll be inheriting my crush on you.

Michael, sunglasses!

Darryl, just because power's turned your head

don't mean it's gonna turn anybody else's. Let's go.

[ Sighs ]

Next time I'm in the womb,

I'm not gonna let anybody cut in front of me.

[ Door closing ]

I'm a soul man, oh

Soul man

[ Stops music ]

Well, look who's here.

It's George.

And his machine.

Out of his room and within earshot.

So, George, you, uh--

you brought down your, uh, portable lounge lizard.

Yeah. Uh, I was rushing my work to get back to my singing.

Then I realized I was kind of neglecting my job

at the expense of fun.

Then it came to me.

Who are the hardest-working people in the world, Dick?

Snow White's dwarves, right?

Ex-- except for the Japanese, yeah.

And why were they hard-working?

Because while they worked, they sang, "Hi-ho, hi-ho."

No. No, George. They--

they sang, "Hi-ho, hi-ho," on the way to work.

But-- but once they were at work,

it-- it-- it was strictly whistling.

Yeah, but if they'd had one of these,

you can bet they'd have been singing their little lungs out.

[ Echoing ] An echo effect. Doo doo.

Dick, you've gotta stop the man.

He's taking the beautiful art of lounge singing

and making a farce out of it.

You-- you-- you can't just go up to someone

and say, "You stink."

[ Echoing ] An echo effect.

Whammy!

I'll-- I'll think of something.

Um, George, could-- could I-- could I talk to you

ab-- about your singing?

[ Echo effect ] Sure, Dick.

George, it's-- it's not that we-- we don't enjoy it,

it-- it's just that we don't think

the-- the quaint, rustic charm of New England is--

is symbolized by-- by a handyman singing--

singing Motown.

Gee, I guess you're right, Dick.

Uh, I guess this does seem kind of inappropriate.

Good.

No problem, Dick. Your worries are over.

[ Music plays ]

Pennies in a stream

Falling leaves a sycamore

Moonlight in Vermont

[ Music ends ]

Hope you enjoyed our southern-fried chicken.

And I'm sorry about the feathers.

[ Drops a coin ]

Left us a nickel. Fun money.

I knew it. There he goes, bein' responsible again.

He's takin' our fun money and wastin' it

on one of them high-interest retirement funds.

He's gone.

Mop duel!

Okay, duel over.

Mop impressions!

Whoopi Goldberg.

Bearded Whoopi Goldberg.

Oh, Darryl, we were just takin' a well-deserved zany break.

Hi-- hi, guys.

How many are you?

It's just-- just the one.

Smoking, non-smoking, or undecided?

Non-smoking.

Fan on your face or not?

Look, uh, Larry,

I didn't come over here to dine.

You, uh, called me and asked me to come over.

Well, you better order somethin'.

The new Darryl don't allow any loitering.

[ Clears throat ]

Oh. I forgot.

Darryl here'll take your order.

Do-- [ Clears throat ]

Do-- do you have anything that's-- that's pre-packaged?

I'll-- I'll have-- I'll have the Salisbury steak.

We serve that two ways: loose or in the pouch.

In the pouch.

That-- that-- that's a plastic pouch, right?

How are-- how-- how are things going?

The mantle of authority ain't a snug fit on Darryl.

There's a whole new set of rules we have to live by.

He won't let us dry our underwear

on the grill anymore.

Or put our face prints in the pudding.

And no more sleeve-snivelling.

The last rule seems to particularly single Darryl out.

Well, you know-- you know with

every new administration, you know,

there are bound to be a few changes.

Well, he's completely destroyed our social life.

We'd come to visit you more often,

but we're not allowed to come over to the inn

as much as we used to.

Really?

Sometimes changes can be good.

He won't let us cut loose like in the old days.

He's completely cancelled our naked hour.

I know.

Joanna's kinda cut back on me, too.

Have, uh-- have you tried to reason with him?

There's no use.

He's become a prima Darryl, throwing his age around.

Nine months older, and he thinks he knows it all.

That's why we want you to talk to him.

Well, why-- why would he listen to me?

Well, he is closer to your age now.

And I was gullible enough to listen to ya.

Um... [ Clears throat ]

Da-- uh, Darryl, could-- could I-- could I talk to you for a minute?

Um, first-- uh, first of all, congrats on--

on getting older.

[ Clears throat ]

And, uh, w-- with age comes-- comes responsibility.

Um, I know you feel that, uh, Larry and Darryl should--

should work more diligently and-- and they shouldn't, uh,

dry their underwear on the grill or, uh--

or visit, uh-- visit the inn so much.

Why-- why am I arguing against this?

But your, uh-- your-- your brothers are--

are a little upset, so,

you know, I thought maybe you might-- might lighten up.

N-- not about the inn.

You know, uh, maybe let 'em have some fun.

Maybe, uh, you know, give 'em a naked 10 minutes.

[ Sighs ] I tried, guys.

The man's a rock.

[ Checks mike ]

[ Music plays ]

That-- that's the way That's the way

Uh-huh, uh-huh

I like it

That's the way Uh-huh, uh-huh

I like it...

[ Turns music off ]

Pretty addictive, huh, Dick?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Dick, can I tell you something, as a friend?

Sure. Sure, George.

You really stink.

I-- I was only-- you know, I was only fooling around.

I mean it.

Uh, your voice, your timing, the way you held the mike.

I got queasy, Dick.

[ Clears throat ] George...

I know this is hard to take, but as your friend,

I think the best thing to do is to--

to come right out and tell the truth.

I mean,

why should innocent people have to suffer?

George...

But, Dick, you really taught me something.

This machine is an accident waiting to happen.

From now on, this baby is gonna stay locked up

in my room.

G-- George,

I-- I was trying to demonstrate that-- that exact point.

Yeah, right, Dick.

[ Flips light switch ]

[ Blowing bubbles in milk ]

Darryl?

Oh, sure.

You weren't about to make face prints in the pudding.

You were having childlike fun, weren't ya?

Don't be pullin' that "past your bedtime" stuff on us.

For all we know,

you could've been sleeve-snivellin' too.

Darryl, you don't really wanna be in charge, do you?

As the oldest brother,

you're torn between your responsibility

as the head of the family

and your innate desire to frolic your head off.

Not everyone's cut out to be Sam the Sham.

Some of us is just meant to be Pharaohs.

Fess up, Darryl.

You miss the shenanigans as much as we do.

Then, why can't we just go back to the way things was?

Damn.

I wish I'd never found these birthin' papers.

What is it, Darryl?

Somethin' on the certificates?

That's peanut butter grease, and no, you can't have it.

Wait a minute.

Now I see what's put them burrs in your skivvies.

This is your birth certificate, and this is Darryl's.

Darryl's not the oldest,

Darryl is.

How could I have gotten them mixed up?

What is it, Darryl?

You've had enough, haven't you?

The burden of leadership weighs heavy.

Are you relinquishing your birthright

to take charge?

And askin' me to take over again?

Sometimes you just have to say okey-dokey to destiny.

Is that okay with you, Darryl?

I'll take that as a yes.

Okay, you can lick his face, Darryl.

We're your typical American family again.

Meow.