Original subtitles

Morning, George.

Dick, I've got a serious personal problem

and I'd like to discuss it with you.

Okay.

I need a nickname, Dick, and I need it soon.

Well, the--

the first question that-- that pops to mind is, uh,

why?

Well, the Beavers are putting out a facebook.

Facebook?

You know, a book of pictures of our faces

with our names under them?

All the Beavers except me have nicknames.

There's Dwayne "Porky" Moyer,

Haymond "Noodle" Birkhead...

George, why don't you just

pick a name that you like and-- and use it?

No, a nickname has to be a genuine reflection

of how people around you feel about you.

Come on, Dick, finish this sentence.

"I think George is..."

Is, uh-- is-- is swell.

George "Swelly" Utley.

No good, Dick.

It makes me sound like I have a condition.

Try something else.

[ Clears throat ]

I-- I-- I'll work on it, George.

Okay, but I don't have much time.

I have to get a nickname and get it into general use

by next Tuesday.

Morning, everybody.

-WOMAN: Good Morning. -GEORGE: Oh, morning, Joanna.

Uh, Mrs. Loudon?

Are-- are you gonna go birdwatching

with us again today?

Oh, I don't think I can, Andy.

Oh. Oh, that's too bad.

I think we're really closin' in on that evening grosbeak.

It'll be my loss.

Okay, well, um, if I see it,

I'll take an extra picture for ya.

Two different f-stops.

Is that the one with the crush on you?

Yeah. Isn't he cute?

Could, uh-- could-- could I get in on this?

We're just talking about the little crush

Andy seems to have on me.

Oh, really?

I-- I didn't notice anything.

It's in the eyes.

Well, maybe Dick's right.

I'm probably reading too much into things.

Exactly.

What-- what things?

Oh, the way that he opened the door for me,

the fact that he carried my binoculars home.

The eyes.

There now.

That's better, huh?

Thanks, Mrs. Loudon.

I probably shouldn't have gone for that second f-stop.

Oh.

Told you he has a crush.

He sprained his ankle, George. That's all.

He's in pain, not love.

Isn't this sweet?

What is it?

A little haiku Andy wrote for me.

"The lovely warbler...

Your eyes and voice overwhelm...

He pales, you shimmer."

Okay, he's got a crush.

Who has a crush?

Andy has a crush on Joanna. Satisfied?

Well, that's odd.

I don't remember Andy having a crush on me.

He doesn't have it on you, he has it on me.

Right.

But the natural course of events

would be for him to have a crush on me,

feel rejected and then move on to you.

Unless-- un-- unless something is very wrong.

Nobody panic, but...

I think I'm starting to doubt myself.

Oh, dear.

Here, here.

Sweep it off.

[ Clears throat ]

You're not upset about this crush thing?

Honey, I-- I was young once.

All young men have crushes on older women.

It's-- It's harmless.

What do you mean, older?

Having lived more years than he.

I see.

Wait-- wait-- wait a minute.

You-- you can't get mad at me for saying you're older

when... you are older.

I can get mad when you say "older"

as if it were synonymous with "ancient."

That's kind of how it sounded to me too, Dick.

George...

Cupcake, good news.

The rebate on the espresso machine

came today,

so there's dinero for dinner.

What's wrong?

Michael, see that boy over there?

Yeah?

He doesn't have a thing for me.

Go on.

No, I think it's true.

Watch.

Hi.

Hi.

What are you reading?

Uh, a magazine.

Michael, comfort me!

Cupcake, I know this is gonna be hard to believe,

but there's gonna be the occasional guy

who doesn't like...

...girls.

But he likes Joanna, just not me.

He's sick!

Do you really think so?

What else could it be? He's at that age.

Maybe his hormones kicked in funny or something.

That does happen sometimes, doesn't it?

Besides, Steph, you have me now

so you've probably been sending out

"not available" vibes.

Don't be silly, Michael.

No.

You were right the first time. He's sick.

Poor thing.

Well, let's eat.

Might wanna check the gloss on those sweet lips, sweet lips.

Boy, the way you come up with nicknames is amazing.

It's a gift.

Michael, I need a nickname.

Well, let's throw the old brain into first

and see what we get.

I would suggest Tool Jockey

...or Denim Dude.

Or my personal favorite, Bub.

Well, thanks, Michael.

Anytime, bub.

Ah.

Have you come up with any nicknames for me?

Uh-- uh, not yet, George.

[ Clears throat ]

Uh, I don't-- I don't look like a Bub to you?

Do I, Dick?

Not really.

What's wrong with me, Dick?

Why don't I have a nickname?

George, not-- not everybody does. I-- I don't.

Sure you do.

Dick is a nickname for Richard.

Your college friends named you Slats.

Even the fellows at the barbershop,

they-- they call you "that writer guy."

You're a fountain of nicknames.

Well-- well, maybe I was a bad choice.

Uh, Michael doesn't have a nickname.

Well, that's because people

aren't really that crazy about Michael.

Maybe that's why I don't have a nickname.

Because no one's really crazy about me.

And I never knew until they didn't call me Bub.

[ Knock on the door ]

Come in.

Hi, Joanna.

Oh, um, I didn't know you were here.

Yeah. Yeah, I, uh-- I-- I sleep here.

With-- with my wife.

What do you want, Andy?

Oh, I-- I just wanted to return this.

Thanks. My ankle feels a lot better.

-Oh good. -Yeah, super.

Well, uh, good night.

Good night, sweetie.

Good-bye.

You know, Joanna, uh,

this is getting a touch out of hand and--

and I think, you know,

you're starting to encourage him.

What?

I think maybe it's time to, you know,

nip this thing in the bud.

Dick, don't be ridiculous. I was just being nice.

He's only gonna be here a few more days,

and I don't want his first crush to end with him hurt.

-[ Clears throat ] -Come on. Be a sport.

Well, I guess I can

try not to feel threatened by a 16-year-old.

Besides, um, I understand being a sport

really impresses the ladies.

[ Giggles ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughs ]

What? What?

Oh, I was just remembering something Andy said.

-[ Chuckles ] -[ Laughs ]

What?

He asked me whether it was important to women

that their men shave.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, I gotta give you credit for keeping a straight face

with all those-- those goofy questions.

[ Laughs ]

No, actually,

I'm sort of flattered by Andy's affections.

He makes me feel less ancient.

If I were 16, I'd be crazy about him.

J--Joanna, you wanna-- you wanna quit now?

I'm starting to have a little trouble

being a sport.

I just think the crush is a nice thing

that both Andy and I can enjoy.

[ Knock on door ]

ANDY: Joanna?

And tomorrow, I'll nip it.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

It's me, Dick.

George "Nothing" Utley.

Joanna said you wanted to see me.

George, I spent all morning

coming up with a nickname for ya,

and I found one I think-- I think is perfect.

[ Drum roll ]

Dusty!

I don't like it, Dick.

How can you not like it? It's perfect.

You're a handyman,

so sometimes you get ...dusty.

That's not a real good reason, Dick.

Well, besides, uh,

Dusty was the name of my favorite, uh,

cowboy star when I was a kid.

And I kinda remind you of him?

Okay.

George "Dusty" Utley. [ Chuckles ]

"Hey, Dusty!"

[ Chuckles ]

"Good ol' Dusty Utley."

It's growing on me, Dick. Thanks.

Any time, George.

See you later, Slats.

[ Chuckles ] See ya...

Dust.

Hi.

Hi.

Did you-- you talk to Andy?

Yeah.

And?

And it was a good talk.

I laid the groundwork for...

explaining to him how this...

infatuation is not such a good idea,

and the next time I see him I'll--

definitely be able to tell him it has to stop.

When-- when will that be?

On our date.

Joanna, don't you think that-- that-- that dating him

i--is encouraging him?

I know, Dick.

I didn't want this to happen,

but you know what a hard time I have saying no.

No, I don't.

Back in New York, when I didn't wanna

go out with a boy on a second date,

I wouldn't say no,

I'd just bring my roommate Betsy along.

And sometime during the evening, she'd tell him.

Seems like an extreme way for an adult--

Wait a minute!

You brought Betsy on our second date!

Well, yeah, but Betsy thought you were too cute

and wouldn't tell you why she was there.

You mean, we're together because Betsy wouldn't break up with me?

And I have never regretted her decision.

Honey, this isn't helping me with Andy.

I'm still bad at saying no.

Well, then-- then, let me teach you.

[ Sighs ]

[ Clears throat ]

Do-- do you like Brussels sprouts?

No.

Great!

You seem ready for me. Okay, go!

Dick, I don't wanna hurt him.

You wanna see this for the rest of your life?

[ Sighs ]

No.

Just keep saying that word.

[ Clears throat ]

Dick, would you--?

Just call me Betsy.

I don't know what to do.

It's simple.

Just tell him how you feel.

But I wanna let him down gently.

Well, then, tell him how you feel in a haiku.

-Oh. Hi, Joanna. -Hi.

Mr. Loudon.

Um, are you ready to go to lunch?

Andy, I need to talk to you.

Okay.

I'm-- I'm just here to, uh--

I'm-- I'm just here.

Andy, I like you.

I really like you, but--

Now, I know the word "but" is usually followed

by something negative in these situations, but...

in this case,

what's about to come is not really...

negative, but more...

neutral.

Now, it may not seem neutral now, but one day you'll see--

Oh, I-- I know, adults are always saying,

"One day you'll see," but--

that's because we, being adults,

are older and wiser

and know that one day you really will see

what we are already seeing

and are now telling you.

So what I mean is,

Andy, I like you.

What-- what Joanna is trying to say, Andy,

i--is no.

As-- as in no, you can't go to lunch with her,

no she can't accept any more gifts from you,

and no, she can't be your girl, so cut it out. Okay?

Oh.

Okay.

[ Chuckles ]

Sorry.

See ya.

Boy, when you say you're-- you're not good at something,

you-- you don't give yourself enough credit.

But he-- he seemed to take it pretty well.

And why did he have to be told, Dick?

[ Chuckles ]

-Because we decided-- -JOANNA: No.

JOANNA: You decided.

You decided that even though

he'd be gone in three little days,

he had to be told today.

And you decided that something was wrong

with someone paying a little special attention to me.

In fact, you were the only person uncomfortable

about this situation,

and now you're the only one who isn't miserable.

Well, I hope you're good and happy now, Mr-- You!

A-- Andy, wh--why don't--

why don't you have a seat?

I-- I didn't bring you here to-- to yell at you.

You gonna slug me?

No, I just wanna ask you some questions.

Okay.

You're-- you're leaving on Sunday, right?

Yes, sir.

And you have no plans to ever, ever come back here?

Not really. No.

Remember that flirting

that you were doing with my wife?

Yeah.

Well, start doing it again.

Sir?

Start doing it again.

You told me not to.

A-- Andy, I don't wanna have to go into this with you.

I'm the adult so obviously, I know best.

Now, go flirt with my wife.

Um, uh, anything special that you want me to do?

Here.

Here's-- here's some money.

Go-- go buy some-- some flirt things.

Just go-- go wild.

Oh, um, is it all right if I get 'em tomorrow morning?

I have a group sing tonight.

Fine.

You don't think this is at all weird?

Andy, don't analyze this thing to death!

Oh, and, Andy.

Yeah?

If you tell anyone about this,

I'll slug ya.

Morning, Dick.

Morning-- morning, George. I-- I mean, Dusty.

Uh, I need to talk to you about that, Dick.

The name's not working out.

Why-- wh-- why not?

I realized a nickname can be dangerous.

I-- I can't even imagine, George.

Suppose I'm crossing a busy street.

A huge truck is barrelling towards me

at top speed.

But for some reason, I don't notice it.

I'm moseying along

without a care in the world.

Suddenly, some pal of mine sees the truck,

realizes the danger and yells, "Watch out, Dusty!"

In the split second it takes me to realize I'm Dusty,

I could be something you gotta put flares around.

I n-- I never thought of that.

And-- and I never would have.

I think it's a lot safer to go through life

with a name you know is yours.

Well, this has been a pretty morbid conversation.

I think I'll go to my room

and practice my reaction time.

[ Gasps ]

Dick, do you want breakfast now?

No, I think I'll wait until, uh, Joanna comes in

and sees Andy and...

happiness reigns again in-- in my little inn.

I'm turning stuff off in five minutes.

Morning.

Morning.

Are you, uh,

are you mad?

Yes.

At myself.

Huh?

Last night I was having trouble sleeping,

and I realized that maybe it was because I was...

wrong.

You w-- you w-- you were?

I was so caught up in Andy's flattery

that I was leading him on.

He needed to be told.

Not the way you told him,

but I'm... glad it's over.

Yeah.

Yeah, me-- me-- me-- me too.

Hi, Joanna.

Um, these are for you.

An-- Andy!

I-- I-- I thought we decided we weren't gonna do this anymore.

Mr. Loudon,

I wish you'd just go ahead and slug me.

I mean, one minute you tell me to stop,

the next minute you tell me to start again and--

Hold it.

Start again?

You come with me. You stay here.

That's "Mr. You."

Sit.

Andy, all your attention is very nice,

but I'm afraid I can't return your feelings

because mine are already promised to someone else.

Mr. Loudon.

He's the one who said it was okay to do this stuff.

Well,

as much as I love Mr. Loudon, unfortunately, he is a lunatic.

Andy, you need to save your efforts

for somebody who's free to care back.

And whoever she turns out to be,

I'm gonna be a little jealous of her.

Really?

Mm-hm.

Well, I won't bring her here, then.

Thank you.

Dick, do you wanna eat now?

I, uh, think I'll wait until the yelling stops.

Will that be before or after happiness reigns?

Go away.

[ Clears throat ]

First of all, you acted as if that boy had no feelings.

I-- I know.

Secondly, Andy is not a pawn to be used

to cheer somebody up.

You're-- you're right.

And most of all,

I think what you did was very sweet.

S--sweet?

Stupid, but well-intentioned and sweet.

Well, you know, I-- you know, that-- I mean,

that's what I was shooting for.

Were the roses your idea?

Well, they-- they are your favorite.

And the note?

You-- you love those.

And the picnic brunch?

Well, you know how crazy you are--

He...

He invited you to a picnic brunch?

Yeah, in Vickers Park in 15 minutes.

He already bought the food.

Uh, Joanna?

Wait for Betsy.

Meow.