Original subtitles

"The first time you apply acoustical tile to your ceiling

is like the first time man conquered space."

No, it isn't.

-Hi, how's the book coming? -Oh, it's, uh, coming along.

So I see.

I'm sure Shakespeare made lots of these.

All right, Joanna. It's...

It's just not flowing like my last one,

Say It with Tub Enclosures.

That-- that baby just poured out of me.

Honey, you can't keep procrastinating like this.

Don't you have a deadline?

Uh, sort of. It's due...

...two days ago.

It's all right. I've only got a few chapters left.

Now, I-- I really, really have to get back to work.

Wow.

All those beautiful red leaves.

One, two, three...

Excuse me, Dick. I left my lug wrench here.

I'll be out of your way in a jiffy.

Uh, uh, George, you don't have to rush off.

Why don't you stick around, and we'll... we'll talk a while.

I can't, Dick.

Joanna told me you might try to pull something like this.

I promised her I wouldn't give you the time of day.

[ Phone rings ]

Hello?

Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry. You have the wrong number.

So what's-- what's going on?

Oh, wow, look at all the red books.

One, two?

Life in the Old West.

"Jed Lawson rode into town,

hankerin' for a home-cooked meal, a fresh horse,

and a hunk of gold.

Boy, I must've read this a hundred times.

A hundred and one.

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

And we have a major bulletin.

The caf� has gotten a bit boring.

Seems to just be cook, serve, clear, cook, serve, clear.

Then every six months you hose the place down,

and it starts all over.

Larry, bulletins are usually shorter than this.

Well, cuttin' to the chase,

we decided to supplement our restaurant income

by revivin' our once thrivin' business: Anything For a Buck.

Well, that's great, guys,

but I can't think of anything I need you for.

I mean, it's not like you could do my work for me. Can you?

With all due respect, Miss Stephanie, what's your job?

We never see you do much of anything.

I'm the housekeeper.

I dust the rooms, I touch other people's used bed linen.

I scrape gum out of soap dishes.

Whoo! Lots of perks. We'll do it.

Okay.

But part of the deal has to be

that this is a secret between us.

My lips are sealed. Darryl? Darryl?

Oh, hi, guys. I didn't see you come in.

They just got here. Right?

Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

Stephanie, when you finish breakfast,

Mrs. Winnock in Room 6 needs extra blankets and bath towels.

Joanna, it's like you expect me to do the work of three people.

Well, come on, Darryl. We best be gettin'.

We wanna make a good impression on our first day.

Of the rest of our lives.

Oh, morning, honey.

I've... I've come to a major decision about my life.

Yeah?

Joanna, I wanna be a cowboy.

How about some black coffee?

No, I mean it. I wanna ride the range,

rope steer and sleep under the big sky.

Isn't this a lot of trouble to go through

just to keep from writing your book?

It has nothing to do with my deadline. I read this novel,

and it reawakened all my childhood dreams

of being a cowboy.

Dick, you're serious?

Joanna, don't you see what's happening?

I-- I can't finish my book because I'm in a rut.

I mean, if you stop growing and moving forward, you become...

...like me.

Dick, honey,

you're a city boy with lower back problems.

How are you gonna ride the range?

You have no experience.

Really?

Three hundred and fifty-two pages. I read them all.

Everything's in here; riding, roping, squaddling.

Squaddling?

Squaddling is the art of tying your horse to a hitching post

with a single flip of the reins.

Morning, Dick, Joanna. How you doing?

Dick wants to be a cowboy.

Pretty goomy, Dick.

She isn't telling it right, George.

I just wanna take some time off and go out west

and, uh, live in a bunkhouse and...

-Be a cowboy. -Yeah.

I mean, George, haven't you ever chased a-- a boyhood dream?

Sure.

I always wanted to be like my dad,

to be one of the best darn handymen in all of Vermont.

Wow, I made it!

George, I just wanna live out my dreams.

I-- I checked with some ranches in Oklahoma and Wyoming.

and when they want me, I'm-- I'm ready.

This is all so silly. You can't really want to--

Joanna, don't fence me in.

Okay, guys. All clear.

Come on, Darryl, don't you be pokin' around in there.

He ain't never seen the inside of a vacuum cleaner bag before.

Come on. Let's sneak you up to the guest rooms.

Stephanie!

Stephanie, what are you doing with all that?

Making the inn spotless.

Don't you want that, Joanna?

Something strange is going on here.

There certainly is. I heard about Dick.

Stephanie, there is nothing wrong with Dick.

He's simply re-examining his life.

Well, the train leaves in an hour.

By sundown tomorrow, I'll be in a bunkhouse in Oklahoma,

polishing my saddle and rolling my own cigarettes.

But, Dick, you don't smoke.

I don't wanna smoke 'em, I just wanna roll 'em.

Yeah, he's fine.

Honey, you can't leave. You have responsibilities here.

[ Hums the Bonanza theme ]

I came to wish you luck, Dick.

Or should I call you "Pa"? [ Giggles ]

Michael?

Dick, what are you gonna do when you want your horse to come?

[ Bell rings ] Front, please!

You really should do well out west.

It's a well-known fact that innkeepers

are the toughest guys out there.

[ Laughs ]

Michael, I have spurs in here that jingle jangle and maim.

Okay, I'm-- I'm outta here.

[ Horse snorts, trumpets ]

Hi--ho, How To Book Writer, away!

Dick, I'm not real big on good-byes,

but here's a little something

for those long, lonely nights on the prairie.

Oh, gee, George. A harmonica. Thank you.

It's the Billy the Kid model, Dick.

I-- I didn't know Billy the Kid played the harmonica.

I think he just killed a man who played one.

Dick, did you hear that?

They shoot people for playing harmonicas out there.

Joanna, I know this is ridiculous,

but it-- it's something I just have to do.

Your mind is made up, isn't it?

I-- I can't fight it.

I'm a-goin'.

All right, Dick, if you feel so strongly about it,

go west, middle--aged man.

Thanks, honey.

Well, I'll either be back in a week or I'll send for ya.

Next.

Yeah?

What can I do for you?

I'm here to sign on as a hired hand.

[ Laughs ] Where did you get those chaps?

You a rodeo clown or something?

I talked to you on the phone. My name's Dick Loudon.

Oh, yeah. Loudon.

Sounded younger and bigger on the phone.

You interested in hiring the voice?

Or the man?

So, uh, what'd you wanna work on?

Chuckwagon or something?

I'm here to ride, to rope, to squaddle.

Squaddle? What's that?

That's where you tie your horse to a hitching post

with one flip of the reins.

Really?

I can handle myself.

Give me a-- give me a shot. [ Sighs ]

Well, I guess any guy who knows what squaddling is

deserves a chance.

Pay is 600 a month, plus room and grub. We rise at five.

No gamblin', no town women, no killin', no horse stealin'.

I can live with that.

Welcome aboard, cowboy.

Hey, who's the stranger?

So, what are you, the new chuckwagon guy?

No, I'm not here to cook.

I'm here to cowboy. The name's Loudon.

Well, I'm Chet. This is Roby, Wayne, Les, Miguelito and Jilel.

-Howdy. -Stranger, you got a bunk yet?

Not yet.

Why don't you take this one right here?

Thanks.

You missed quite a day on the range, stranger.

Tough, huh?

Oh, it was hell.

Sunup, sundown,

14 hours of riding dusty trails and then, boom.

The Toyota blew a gasket.

You-- you round up cattle with a truck?

Say, you hungry, stranger? We could rustle you up some grub.

Well, all day long I've been hankering for steak,

beans and biscuit.

Well, sorry, today's Wednesday. Salad night.

We need the roughage.

I think I'll pass.

So whereabouts you from, stranger?

Does it matter?

Well, I guess we're all running away from something.

Me, I ran into a little trouble down in Texas.

What-- what kind of trouble?

I had a chain of patio furniture stores

that went into Chapter 11.

Sounds rough.

So I drifted up here.

This place has been pretty good to me.

So the ranch owner's a fair man?

Ranch owner?

This spread's a wholly-owned subsidiary

of DeForest Chemical Incorporated.

That must be some branding iron.

Hey, you. Indoor Face.

Me?

Yeah. You got your gear on my bunk.

I didn't know.

Loudon, meet Bart.

Bart, Loudon's the new hired hand.

Looks kind of puny.

You got any experience, Loudon?

Well, I've eaten salad and sat a Toyota.

What do you think you're doing?

Rolling a cigarette.

This is a no smokin' bunkhouse, stranger.

Yeah, you tryin' to kill us?

I don't believe this. I-- I came out west for-- for adventure.

And look where I end up: the Lazy Quiche Ranch.

Not a bad first day, Loudon.

Washing a truck is not exactly what I had in mind.

You ain't so hot. I've seen that chrome shinier.

It's time to have some fun. Les, get the kit.

Finally.

I can seek my teeth in a down and dirty game of poker.

Poker?

What are you talkin' about, Loudon?

Gamblin's against the rules.

Have a little respect for the corporation you work for.

What are we doing tonight?

What we always do on Thursdays.

Watch video cassettes.

Hey, guys. I rented High Noon .

High Noon ? What's that about?

Forget it.

Tonight we're watchin' The Muppets Take Manhattan .

Again? Bart, do we have to?

I say we have to. Anybody got a problem with that?

No.

I got a problem with The Muppets Take Manhattan .

You do, do you?

Not as a film.

It's a delightful romp with strong production values.

But it seems everybody in the bunkhouse

wants to watch High Noon .

You're talkin' mighty tough for a guy with clown pants.

I don't want trouble, Bart.

I'm just following the code of the west:

Majority rules when it comes to videocassettes.

-He's right, Bart. -He's right.

Okay. High Noon tonight.

But only tonight.

Wow, nobody ever stood up to Bart before.

Yeah, he's really something.

Yeah, you're pretty tough around VCRs, Loudon.

But let's see how tough you are tomorrow on the range.

Well, I'm meeting Michael for lunch.

Your chores are all done?

At 11:30?

Joanna, I'm good.

Stephanie, something suspicious has been going on here lately.

The guests have been mentioning odd occurrences,

like happy faces carved in the soap.

Oh. I'm just the maid.

I suppose I'm not allowed to express myself as an artist.

[ Scream ]

Larry, what was that scream? What were you doing upstairs?

Joanna, it's obvious!

They... got lost and stepped on a cat.

Nice try, Miss Stephanie,

but I'm afraid we've been caught rubber-handed.

We was just fixin' to clean the bathtub,

but I guess the bather still had feet to do.

You mean you've been doing her chores?

This has to stop immediately.

Stephanie is the housekeeper here.

Oh, poo. Come on, Larry.

It's okay. We'll work something out.

Oh, no, you won't.

Guys...

Here's a dollar. Don't ever work for Miss Stephanie again.

I'm sorry, Miss Stephanie, but it is Anything for a Buck.

So you're leavin', huh?

Yep.

You know, from the time we first seen you, we had our doubts.

You sure proved us wrong.

You earned our respect, Loudon.

Yeah. Nobody could double-clutch like Loudon.

Better get outta here before Bart gets back.

He said he didn't even wanna see you today.

Loudon.

You still here?

I guess I am.

Why do you have to go?

My job here is done. I got what I came for.

Now I gotta follow my dreams where-- wherever they take me.

[ Sighs ]

I guess I can't fault a guy for that.

Ever since I was a kid, I always had a dream of my own.

Someday I wanna get myself a little place,

maybe rent out a few rooms.

If it goes well, maybe do a little writing on the side.

You dream big, Bart.

Well...

You're a good man, stranger. And one hell of a cowboy.

I better hit the trail.

Uh...

Can I go with you, Loudon?

Sorry, I...

I ride alone.

Oh, Bart.

Who was that cute little guy?

Meow.