Original subtitles

( theme music playing )

( music playing )

- DICK, IS THAT THE LORETTA DUPRIS, THE ACTRESS?

- WELL, SHE IS COMING TO DO A SHOW

AT THE MAPLE GROVE THEATER.

- DON'T PLAY WITH ME, DICK.

IS IT HER OR NOT?

- SOUNDS LIKE IT.

- SHE'S COMING TODAY?

- GEORGE, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

WE'VE HAD PERFORMERS STAY HERE BEFORE.

- DICK, WINK MARTINDALE IS ONE THING.

LORETTA DUPRIS MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE SMALL POTATOES.

- REALLY? WHO IS SHE?

- SHE WAS ONLY THE STAR OF "KINSEY CORNERS."

SHE PLAYED MADISON WHITWORTH, THE CRUEL VIXEN

WHO VICTIMIZED EVERY MAN IN DINSMORE COUNTY.

- SOUNDS LIKE WE COULD ASK FOR OUR MONEY UP FRONT.

- THIS IS GOING RIGHT IN MY SCRAPBOOK.

- GEORGE, THAT ISN'T HER AUTOGRAPH.

I WROTE IT.

- OH?

WELL, MAYBE I'LL KEEP IT TO REMEMBER YOU BY.

- DICK, WHEN SOMEONE CANCELS,

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CROSS IT OUT.

- HONEY, GEORGE TOOK LORETTA DUPRIS' NAME

AS A MOMENTO.

- LORETTA DUPRIS IS COMING HERE?

THAT HUSSY?

- HONEY, I'M SURE THAT'S THE PART SHE PLAYS

ON THAT SERIES.

- WELL, I HEAR THEY BASED THE CHARACTER ON HER

AND THEY HAD TO TONE IT DOWN FOR TELEVISION.

- HI, DICK.

HERE'S THE BIO ON THIS WEEK'S GUEST.

I SHOULD HAVE AN EASY TIME DIRECTING THIS SHOW.

A 600-POUND MAN ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE.

- THANKS, J.J. BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO COME

ALL THE WAY FROM THE STATION WITH THIS.

- JUST SEEMED LIKE

THE NEIGHBORLY THING TO DO, NEIGHBOR.

- YOU LIVE IN THE NEXT COUNTY.

- NOT ANYMORE, NEIGHBOR.

- J.J., ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING?

- GET THAT OLD CUP OF SUGAR READY.

WE'RE NEIGHBORS.

- GREAT.

- I JUST BOUGHT THAT OLD PLACE ON THE CORNER.

- OH, THE ROCKINGHAM HOUSE,

THAT'S ONE OF THE OLDEST STRUCTURES IN TOWN.

OH, I'M GLAD IT'S GONNA GET THE CARE IT DESERVES.

- DAMN RIGHT.

I'M GONNA 'DOZE IT.

- WHAT?

- WELL, YOU DON'T EXPECT ME TO LIVE IN IT?

THAT PLACE MUST BE 100 YEARS OLD.

- TRY 250.

- WOW.

THAT ROOF'S GONNA FALL ON A LOT OF MEMORIES.

HA.

LUCKILY, THERE'S A GUEST HOUSE I CAN STAY IN

WHILE I PUT UP THIS BABY.

- YOU'RE GONNA LIVE IN A MUSHROOM?

- IT'S A SATELLITE HOUSE, DICK.

- J.J., THIS IS A COLONIAL COMMUNITY.

THIS IS THE TYPE OF HOUSES

WHERE GEORGE WASHINGTON WOULD HAVE SLEPT,

NOT GEORGE JETSON.

- FINE, DICK.

THANKS FOR PARKING THE WELCOME WAGON ON MY HEART.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO BE A LITTLE CAREFUL WALKING BY MY HOUSE.

SOMETIMES THOSE WRECKING BALLS SWING WIDE.

- HELLO. I'M LORETTA DUPRIS.

I HAVE A RESERVATION.

- OH, YES, YES, WE'RE EXPECTING YOU.

SIGN HERE, MISS VIXEN--

DUPRIS.

I'LL HAVE OUR HANDYMAN HELP YOU WITH YOUR BAGS.

( bell rings )

- ROOM 7.

- ALLOW ME, MISS DUPRIS.

RIGHT THIS WAY.

( music playing )

- WELL, I PUT THE KIBOSH

ON OUR NEW NEIGHBOR'S RENOVATION PLANS.

I TOLD THE LANDMARK COMMISSION.

THEY'VE ISSUED AN INJUNCTION TO STOP HIM FROM REPLACING

AN HISTORICAL HOUSE WITH SPACE STATION, J.J.

- GOOD MORNING.

- GOOD MORNING.

( clearing throat )

- OH, PLEASE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET UP.

- YES. YES, I DO.

- PLEASE SIT, SIT.

I JUST WANTED TO INVITE ALL OF YOU

TO BE MY GUESTS FOR THE OPENING TONIGHT.

- WELL, THANK YOU, WE'D BE DELIGHTED.

- IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO

AFTER ALL THE ATTENTION YOU'VE BEEN GIVING ME.

AND I ESPECIALLY LOVE THE FRESH CUT FLOWERS

IN MY ROOM EVERY MORNING.

- FRESH CUT FLOWERS?

- IT'S ALL PART OF THE SERVICE.

- HEY, WE DIDN'T GET ANY FLOWERS THIS MORNING.

- WE HAVE YOU SCHEDULED FOR AFTERNOON FLOWERS.

- PLEASE JOIN US FOR BREAKFAST.

- NOBODY INVITED US TO BREAKFAST.

- YOU'RE GETTING FLOWERS, OKAY?

- THANK YOU, BUT ALL I HAVE TIME FOR IS A CUP OF COFFEE.

- I'LL GET IT. - OH, NO, I CAN.

- HERE'S YOUR COFF O' CUPPEE.

- GEORGE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR ME.

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN IN MY ROOM

TEN TIMES IN THE LAST THREE DAYS FIXING THINGS.

- THEY WERE ALL NECESSARY REPAIRS.

- GEORGE, YOU FIXED MY SOAP.

- HAS IT GIVEN YOU ANY MORE TROUBLE?

- WELL, I JUST WISH I HAD SOMEONE AS CONSCIENTIOUS AS YOU

AT THE THEATER. - WHAT FOR?

- WELL, THE FOG MACHINE ISN'T WORKING.

- I COULD TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

- GREAT.

WELL, WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, I-- OH NO, I SHOULDN'T ASK.

THEN YOU'D HAVE TO BE THERE EVERY NIGHT.

- EVERY NIGHT, OH BOY, I MEAN, I HAVE TO CHECK MY SCHEDULE.

- OH, OKAY.

WELL, I BETTER GET TO THE THEATER.

OH, BY THE WAY, JOANNA,

I NEED A PAIR OF EARRINGS FOR THE PLAY.

IS THERE A GOOD JEWELRY STORE IN TOWN?

- I COULD BUY YOU SOME.

I HAVE TO GO TO TOWN ANYWAY TO PICK UP MOLE PELLETS.

- GEORGE, I THINK I PROBABLY HAVE SOME EARRINGS

I CAN LEND MISS DUPRIS.

- THANK YOU.

- DICK, COULD I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

- SURE, GEORGE.

- DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE LORETTA LIKES ME?

I MEAN, EITHER I'M CRAZY OR SHE'S SENDING ME SIGNALS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- THE ONLY OTHER CHOICE IS CRAZY?

- DICK, I CAN'T WORK ANYMORE.

THE DRAIN IS FULL OF GUNK

AND THERE IS A HOLE IN MY RUBBER GLOVE.

- STEPHANIE,

WE HAVE OTHER RUBBER GLOVES.

- I COULD MAKE A HOLE IN THEM TOO.

- STEPHANIE.

( sighing )

- SO GEORGE, WHAT KIND OF SIGNALS IS LORETTA SENDING?

- WELL, SHE INSISTED I CALL HER LORETTA.

- WELL, THAT'S HER NAME. THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

- DOES TOO.

WHAT ELSE, GEORGE?

- WELL, WHEN I POURED THE COFFEE FOR HER JUST NOW,

SHE PUT HER HAND ON MINE.

- OOH!

- THAT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT.

YOU WERE BOTH REACHING FOR THE POT AT THE SAME TIME.

- DICK, DICK, DICK.

DID IT GO LIKE THIS?

"NO, NO, I CAN--"

- YEAH, IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

MAYBE A LITTLE SMOOTHER.

- THIS WOMAN IS GOOD.

- WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF ALL THAT?

- SHE OBVIOUSLY WANTS YOU.

ONLY A FOOL COULD MISREAD THOSE SIGNALS.

- STEPHANIE, SEE IF YOU CAN PICK UP THIS SIGNAL.

CLEAN THE DRAIN.

- OH, POOH.

- SO, WHAT ABOUT IT, DICK?

DO YOU THINK LORETTA LIKES ME?

- WELL, I, UH, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T DENY THAT IT'S, UH,

STARTING TO LOOK THAT, UH,

WITHIN THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY THAT,

UM, MAYBE SHE MIGHT.

- OH, DON'T HAND ME THAT.

WHAT WOULD A WOMAN LIKE THAT SEE IN A GUY LIKE ME?

YOU ASK A PAL FOR A LITTLE HONEST ADVICE

AND HE BLOWS SUNSHINE UP YOUR OVERALLS.

- WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

- GEORGE THINKS LORETTA'S INTERESTED IN HIM.

- WELL, I HOPE NOT.

THAT WOMAN GOES THROUGH MEN LIKE A THRESHER THROUGH WHEAT.

- HONEY, YOU CAN'T GO BY HEARSAY.

- I'M NOT, I READ IT ON THE FRONT PAGE OF A NEWSPAPER,

WHILE I WAS IN THE EXPRESS LINE AT THE SUPERMARKET.

- WELL, DESPITE YOUR DOCUMENTATION,

I THINK THAT STUFF ABOUT WOMEN BEING ABLE TO TWIST MEN

AROUND THEIR LITTLE FINGER IS A LOT OF HOOEY.

- HI, MICHAEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- HI. NO TIME TO TALK, STEPH PHONED.

SHE'S GOT A GLOP CRISIS ON.

GOT TO GET IN THERE, CLEAN THE DRAIN FOR HER.

( music playing )

- HI, LORETTA. - HI, GEORGE--

OH, IS THE FOG MACHINE FIXED?

- GET READY TO FEEL BRITISH.

- OH-OH-HOH.

OHH!

- I WOULD HAVE SHOWN IT TO YOU SOONER

BUT I LOST IT IN THE FOG.

( laughing )

- OH, IT'S KIND OF ROMANTIC, ISN'T IT?

- YEAH.

- HALF HOUR TO CURTAIN, MISS DUPRIS.

BREAK A LEG.

- WHOA! I HEARD SHOW BUSINESS WAS DOG EAT DOG.

- NO, GEORGE, IN THE THEATER,

IT'S BAD LUCK TO WISH SOMEBODY GOOD LUCK

SO INSTEAD YOU WISH SOMETHING BAD TO HAPPEN TO THEM.

- OH, WELL, PUT AN EYE OUT.

- THANK YOU.

GEORGE, WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

THERE'S A SCENE IN THE THIRD ACT I CAN'T QUITE MEMORIZE.

WOULD YOU GO OVER IT WITH ME?

- GEEZ, I DON'T KNOW.

THE ONLY TIME I EVER ACTED

WAS WHEN I PLAYED A MOLAR IN A HYGIENE PAGEANT.

- GOOD, YOU'VE HAD EXPERIENCE.

NOW, THIS IS GOING TO BE THE SHIPBOARD SCENE.

LET'S USE THIS AS THE RAILING.

TAKE IT FROM RIGHT THERE.

- I'M AFRAID OUR ATLANTIC CROSSING IS ALMOST OVER.

- TOMORROW, I'LL BE BACK WITH EDWARD IN SURREY.

- AND I'LL BE AT MY CLUB IN THE STRAND,

TRYING TO MEND A BROKEN HEART WITH WHISKEY AND SODA.

- I SHAN'T FORGET YOU, BASIL.

- NOR I YOU.

- ISN'T THERE MORE, GEORGE?

- IT SAYS "THEY KISS."

- ARE WE STILL REHEARSING?

- YES,

FOR THIS.

( music playing )

- I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN STAY SO CALM

AFTER WHAT WE SAW WITH GEORGE AND LORETTA.

- WELL, WE KNOW WHAT WE SAW.

IT WAS DARK, IT WAS FOGGY.

- WELL, WHAT I SAW LOOKED PRETTY GOOD TO ME.

WHAT SAY WE RENT ONE OF THOSE FOG MACHINES

FOR TOMORROW NIGHT?

- WHOO, WE COULD DO THE AIRPORT SCENE

FROM "CASABLANCA."

- HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, CUPCAKE.

( giggling )

- HONEY, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT GEORGE.

HE SHOULDN'T GET INVOLVED WITH A WOMAN LIKE THAT.

SHE USES MEN.

- YOU'RE RIGHT. SHE'LL TAKE HIM FOR EVERY POWER TOOL HE'S GOT.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

SHE'LL HAVE A FEW LAUGHS,

GET SOME FREE WORK DONE AT THE THEATER

AND GEORGE WILL MISTAKE THAT FOR LOVE.

WHEN SHE MOVES ON, HE'LL HAVE A BROKEN HEART

AND SHE'LL HAVE A FOG MACHINE THAT WORKS.

WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

- WHAT DO WE DO? - YOU TALK TO HIM.

- OKAY, WE'LL DO IT.

- NO PROBLEM.

I'LL HAVE THAT WIND MACHINE FIXED FIRST THING TOMORROW.

- OH, THANKS, GEORGE.

THE PLAY IS SO MUCH BETTER

WHEN THE FURNITURE ISN'T BLOWN INTO THE AUDIENCE.

OH, HELLO.

- WE REALLY ENJOYED YOUR PERFORMANCE TONIGHT.

- THANK YOU.

- WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

- GOOD NIGHT.

FOR NOW.

- 'NIGHT, DICK, JOANNA.

- GEORGE, I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOU AND LORETTA.

- AND I HAVE TO LEAVE.

- DICK, IS THIS GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE FATHER/SON TALKS?

- GEORGE, YOUR PERSONAL LIFE IS YOUR OWN.

I WOULDN'T DREAM OF TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO.

JUST, DUMP LORETTA.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- GEORGE, YOU KNOW HER REPUTATION WITH MEN.

I MEAN, ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE SHE ISN'T JUST USING YOU

FOR FREE HELP AT THE THEATER?

- NOW, JUST HOLD ON THERE, DICK.

LORETTA IS A WONDERFUL, GIVING PERSON.

SHE WAS KIND ENOUGH TO LET ME FIX HER FOG MACHINE.

BUT THERE'S MORE TO OUR RELATIONSHIP THAN THAT.

I'M GONNA FIX HER WIND MACHINE.

WELL, WHY SHOULDN'T SHE BE INTERESTED IN ME?

OKAY, SO MAYBE I'M NOT RICH, MAYBE I'M NOT HANDSOME,

MAYBE I'M NOT SOPHISTICATED.

OH, GEE, SHE IS USING ME.

( music playing )

( knocking on door )

- COME IN.

- HI.

SORRY I TOOK SO LONG.

- SO, THIS IS YOUR ROOM.

IT'S JUST AS I IMAGINED.

- WELL, YOU WERE WRONG.

THIS IS USUALLY OVER HERE.

- MAY I SIT DOWN?

- SURE, THERE'S A REAL COMFORTABLE CHAIR

BACK IN THE LOBBY.

- I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME HERE.

- WELL, I DID, BUT TONIGHT ISN'T GONNA WORK OUT.

I NEED TO FIX MY STOVE.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

- WELL, IT GETS REAL HOT.

- ISN'T IT SUPPOSED TO?

- WHO DIED AND MADE YOU HANDYMAN?

- ANYWAY, I HAVE LOTS OF OTHER THINGS TO DO.

I HAVE TO WASH MY FEET.

- GEORGE, WHAT'S WRONG?

- NOTHING. FEET GET DIRTY, THAT'S LIFE.

IF YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH IT,

MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T SEE EACH OTHER.

- WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

I THOUGHT I FELT SOMETHING SPECIAL HAPPENING BETWEEN US.

- NO, I WAS JUST USING YOU TO GET CLOSE TO THE FOG MACHINE.

- I SEE.

IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL.

( music playing )

- OH, MISS DUPRIS, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO PUT OUT THE FIRE.

( crying )

- BUT, YOU KNOW, IF YOU FEEL THAT STRONGLY ABOUT IT--

- I'M SORRY IT'S JUST THAT,

OH, I THOUGHT HE WAS SO DIFFERENT.

HE SEEMED SO GENUINE, SO VULNERABLE.

- YOU REALLY LIKE GEORGE?

- HE'S WONDERFUL.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY JERKS

A WOMAN LIKE ME HAS TO PUT UP WITH

BEFORE SHE MEETS A MAN LIKE THAT.

- YOU REALLY LIKE GEORGE?

- ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'VE BEEN SENDING OUT SIGNALS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

- YEAH, I PICKED UP ON THAT.

- I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE SUDDENLY TURNED SO COLD.

- WELL, MAYBE HE FEELS THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BEEN USING HIM,

YOU'VE JUST BEEN PRETENDING TO LIKE HIM

TO GET HIM TO DO THINGS AT THE THEATER.

YOU KNOW, I'M ONLY GUESSING.

- WHERE WOULD HE GET AN IDEA LIKE THAT?

- WELL, MAYBE HE HAS SOME STUPID FRIENDS,

YOU KNOW, WHO'VE HEARD THOSE STORIES

ABOUT ALL THE MEN YOU'VE CHEWED UP

LIKE A GIANT GARBAGE DISPOSAL OF LOVE.

- OH, THAT DAMN MURRAY.

- WHO? - MURRAY,

MY PRESS AGENT.

HE CREATED THAT EVIL VIXEN IMAGE.

HE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR MY CAREER.

- SO ALL OF THIS IS DAMN MURRAY'S FAULT.

- OH, THAT STUFF NEVER BOTHERED GEORGE.

THOSE FRIENDS YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT,

THEY MUST HAVE POISONED HIS MIND.

BUT WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING THAT LOW, THAT INSENSITIVE,

THAT STUPID?

- THAT WOULD BE ME.

- YOU?

- I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE GEORGE GET HURT

SO I GAVE HIM SOME MISINFORMATION

AND RIPPED HIS HEART OUT.

THAT'S NOT TO UNDERESTIMATE, YOU KNOW,

MURRAY'S ROLE IN ALL OF THIS.

BUT I THINK GEORGE REALLY LIKES YOU

AND IT WOULDN'T TAKE MUCH TO UNDO THE DAMAGE

THAT, YOU KNOW, MURRAY AND I HAVE DONE.

- WELL, I GUESS YOU WERE TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

I'M SORRY I SAID YOU WERE LOW AND INSENSITIVE.

YOU'LL UNDERSTAND IF I DON'T TAKE BACK "STUPID."

- HI, DICK.

I KNOW IT'S LATE BUT I SAW THE LIGHT ON.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S ABOUT TO GO OFF.

- AS LONG AS WE'RE GONNA BE NEIGHBORS,

YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS ABOUT ME.

I'M LIABLE TO STOP BY ANY HOUR, DAY OR NIGHT,

TO TALK ABOUT MY PROBLEMS.

WE'RE GONNA CHRISTEN THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH A BEAUT.

- LOOK, J.J.--

- SOME BIG MOUTH BLABBED TO THE LANDMARK COMMISSION

ABOUT MY SATELLITE HOUSE

AND THEY SLAPPED ME WITH AN INJUNCTION

AGAINST 'DOZING THE OLD ONE.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO LIVE

IN THAT 200-YEAR-OLD PILE OF MATCHSTICKS.

WHO DID IT?

DICK, WHO WOULD DO A LOW,

INSENSITIVE, STUPID THING LIKE THAT?

- THAT WOULD BE MURRAY.

( music playing )

( knocking on door )

Loretta: GEORGE, IT'S ME.

CAN WE TALK?

- GO AHEAD.

Loretta: CAN I COME IN?

- GEORGE, I DON'T WANT YOU TO RUN THE FOG MACHINE ANYMORE.

- YOU DON'T? - AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I DON'T CARE IF YOU DO ANYTHING AT THE THEATER FOR ME.

- REALLY?

- I ONLY WANT ONE THING FROM YOU.

- WHAT?

- WOULD YOU HELP ME RUN THE LINES IN THAT SCENE AGAIN?

- GEE, I DON'T HAVE THE SCRIPT.

- THAT'S OKAY. I REMEMBER HOW IT ENDS.

( music playing )

- GEORGE, ANOTHER LETTER FROM LORETTA?

- WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO SAY?

- SHE'S PLAYING IN RICHMOND, VIRGINIA.

I GUESS I BETTER SKIP THAT PART, IT'S KIND OF PERSONAL.

THEN SHE SAYS--

NO...

MAYBE I SHOULD SKIP THAT PART TOO.

I'M GONNA SKIP THAT PART.

SHE'S IN RICHMOND, VIRGINIA.

( theme music playing )

- MEOW!