Original subtitles

�� [THEME]

GRAB THAT, WILL YOU?

HERE'S YOUR EGGS. AND HERE'S YOUR FARINA.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I ORDERED OATMEAL.

OKAY. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT DIFFERENCE IT MAKES.

THEY'RE BOTH WHITE, LUMPY SLOP.

STEPHANIE, THE DAVIDSONS ARE OUR GUESTS.

WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?

IT'S THIS STUPID VERMONT WEATHER.

I'M SICK OF ICE, I'M SICK OF COLD,

AND I'M SICK OF HAVING A HAT LINE ON MY FOREHEAD.

OH, THEN I GUESS MS. DAVIDSON WAS ASKING FOR IT.

HOW CAN ANYONE HATE A WEATHER

AS CRISP AND BEAUTIFUL AS THIS ONE?

YOU LOVE JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING, DON'T YOU, GEORGE?

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

THEN HERE.

EXCEPT WHITE, LUMPY SLOP.

HOW'S THE BOOK COMING?

ALMOST FINISHED. - GOOD

HOLA, ESKIMOS.

ANYONE CARE TO RUB NOSES?

LAST CALL.

THAT'S ALL YOU GET FROM THIS TABLE.

STEPH, DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE STILL MIFFED.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

YOU CANCELED OUR VACATION THREE TIMES THIS WINTER.

SO UNTIL YOU GET ME SOMEPLACE

WHERE YOU CAN'T WALK ON THE LAKE,

YOU CAN TAKE YOUR NOSE AND...

STUFF IT.

WHAT WAS THAT?

JUST A COUPLE OF PLANE TICKETS TO BERMUDA

I HAPPENED TO STUMBLE ACROSS.

OH, MICHAEL!

- BERMUDA? - THE LAND OF SUN AND SILLY SHORTS.

DICK, JOANNA, I KNOW

BEFORE YOU BOOKED ALL THESE ROOMS,

YOU ASKED IF I'D BE ON VACATION AND I SAID I WOULDN'T,

BUT NOW I WILL, OKAY?

WE ASK FOR A FEW DAYS NOTICE. YOU GAVE US 15 SECONDS.

THAT'S BALLPARK.

OH, NO, JOANNA, IT'S MORE THAN 15 SECONDS.

- I WON'T BE LEAVING UNTIL-- - DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

OOH! AND I'LL ONLY BE GONE--

- SEVEN DAYS. - OOH!

BUT THAT MEANS YOU WON'T BE BACK

UNTIL ALL THESE PEOPLE HAVE LEFT.

OOH!

SO IT'S OKAY?

I GUESS YOU DO HAVE THE TIME COMING. DICK?

WELL, SOME OF OUR GUESTS'LL HAVE TO CLEAN THEIR ROOMS,

BUT I-- I GUESS THE IMPORTANT THING

IS THAT OUR MAID HAVE A TAN.

ARE THEY UNDERSTANDING OR WHAT?

COME ON, I'LL LET YOU WATCH ME PACK.

SHE'S AMAZING. I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO ASK.

LOOKS LIKE WE'LL HAVE TO MANAGE WITHOUT A MAID FOR A WHILE.

WE HAVE FOR TWO YEARS NOW.

[STEPH SCREAMS]

[JOANNA SCREAMS]

- OH NO, NOT AGAIN. - DICK, DO SOMETHING!

ALL RIGHT, YOU STAY THERE. I'LL CHASE HER YOUR WAY.

OH, THANKS A LOT.

EVERYONE RELAX AND ENJOY YOUR MEAL.

SHE'S PERFECTLY HARMLESS.

HI, I'M LARRY.

THIS IS MY BROTHER, DARYL.

AND THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER, DARYL.

AND THAT'S OUR GOAT, MARTHA.

WHAT?

YEAH, WE FINALLY DECIDED ON A MONIKER FOR HER.

DARYL HERE WAS PARTIAL TO LASSIE.

BUT THAT SEEMED MORE OF A NAME FOR A CHICKEN.

LARRY, WOULD YOU MIND TAKING MARTHA OUT OF HERE?

A DINING ROOM IS NO PLACE FOR A GOAT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL US, MA'AM.

HOW'D YOU GET OUT OF THE DEN, ANYWAY?

UH, LARRY, THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK

SHE'S WANDERED OVER. SHE'S BUTTED THE DOOR OPEN.

SHE'S SCARED OUR GUESTS.

SHE'S JOINED ME IN THE SHOWER.

WELL, SHE BECOMES A NUISANCE, JUST LET US NOW.

YESTERDAY, SHE ATE MY SHOES.

OH. OKAY, WE'LL REPLACE 'EM.

DARYL?

NO! NO-NO.

THAT'S OKAY.

I THINK IT'D BE BETTER FOR ALL OF US IF,

FROM NOW ON, YOU--

YOU TIED HER UP IN THE YARD.

YARD, HUH?

WELL, OKAY.

BUT I'M GONNA HAVE ONE ORNERY GOAT ON MY HANDS

IF SHE CAN'T WATCH SOUL TRAIN.

COME ON, BABY.

WHAT'S THIS? I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL PACKED.

I AM, EXCEPT FOR MY BATHING SUITS.

THANK GOODNESS THEY'RE SO TINY.

WHAT'RE YOU GONNA BE DOING, LIVING ON THE BEACH?

OH. I NEVER GO DOWN TO THE BEACH.

WHY NOT?

THERE'S SAND.

OH. OF COURSE.

- MICHAEL! - STEPHANIE!

OH MY GOD.

YOU'RE CANCELING OUR TRIP AGAIN.

I HAVE TO, CUPCAKE. A CRISIS HAS COME UP AT THE STATION.

WHAT'D YOU BRING ME THIS TIME?

A PEARL BRACELET.

IT'S EXQUISITE.

I THINK YOU'RE DOG-DROOL.

- I'M GOING TO BERMUDA WITHOUT YOU. - BUT STEPHANIE--

AND HERE'S JUST A SAMPLE OF WHAT YOU'LL BE MISSING.

DID SHE GET DRESSED IN THE DARK THIS MORNING?

NO, MICHAEL IS CANCELING

THEIR VACATION AGAIN.

WHAT'D YOU GET HER?

A BRACELET. I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

I SPEND AND SPEND AND SPEND, AND SHE'S STILL MAD.

WOMEN.

YEAH, WE'RE SCUM.

IT SURE IS NICE TO GET A LITTLE UNDERSTANDING

FOR A CHANGE.

WELL, I'M-- SORRY WE HAD THIS CHANCE TO CHAT.

OH NO!

OH MY LORD.

WHOA, RECYCLING TIME.

THE STUPID GOAT ATE MY BOOK.

I THOUGHT THEY ONLY LIKED GARBAGE.

NO EDITORIAL COMMENT INTENDED.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE ONLY ATE THE FIRST THREE CHAPTERS.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I CAN'T FINISH THEM EITHER.

[MICHAEL LAUGHS]

MICHAEL, WHY DON'T YOU AND MARTHA SAVE ME THE TROUBLE

AND THROW EACH OTHER OUT?

GOT A PAGE I CAN USE FOR BAIT?

COME ON, MARTHA.

- WHO ARE YOU CALLING? - I HAVEN'T DECIDED.

EITHER ANIMAL CONTROL OR A TANNERY.

YOU TOUCH ONE THING ON THIS DESK,

AND YOU'RE DRIVING GLOVES!

STEPHANIE, DON'T YOU HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH?

- I'M NOT GOING. - WHAT?

I DECIDED IT WOULD BE FOOLISH TO GO WITHOUT MICHAEL.

I'D BE TAN, AND HE WOULDN'T.

WE'D CLASH.

LUCKY YOU CAUGHT THAT IN TIME.

SO I'M JUST GOING TO STAY HERE IN THIS FROZEN TUNDRA.

FREEZE AND SHRIVEL

AND GET CHAPPED TO DEATH.

BOY, IT'S GREAT OUT THERE.

FOUR INCHES OF FRESH POWDER.

YOU SHOULD SEE IT! BILLIONS OF TINY SNOWFLAKES,

AND NO TWO OF THEM ALIKE.

THEY ARE NOW.

I'M SORRY, GEORGE. SHE'S A LITTLE UPSET.

WELL, AT LEAST IT WAS QUICK.

JOANNA, WOULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND WITH THIS?

I'M TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER THE UNDIGESTED PORTIONS

- OF MY MANUSCRIPT. - COULDN'T YOU JUST

EXPLAIN TO YOUR PUBLISHER WHY IT'S GONNA BE LATE?

HONEY, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THEY LOOK AT YOU FUNNY

WHEN YOU TELL THEM THE GOAT ATE IT.

HERE, I THINK I'VE GOT A MATCH.

YOUR PET SHOULD QUICKLY ADJUST TO HIS NEW HOME.

IF NOT...

CRUSH OR CHOP IT UP

INTO SMALL...

BITE-SIZE MORSELS.

I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU'RE THE EXPERT.

HI.

I'M LARRY.

IS THAT IT?

YEAH. THEY AIN'T TALKING TO YOU.

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE IT APPEARS YOU'RE THE ONE

WHO RATTED ON OUR GOAT TO THEM ANIMAL PEOPLE.

WELL, I CERTAINLY DID. SHE ATE MY BOOK.

THAT STILL AIN'T NO REASON TO HAVE HER CARTED OFF.

THEY CARTED HER OFF.

WHAT'D YOU THINK THEY WAS GONNA DO?

GIVE HER A SCHOLARSHIP TO RADCLIFFE?

WELL, I-- I JUST WANTED THEM TO MAKE YOU TIE HER UP.

WELL, THEY LOCKED HER UP.

LUCKILY, DARYL WAS ABLE TO WIN HER FREEDOM.

YOU KNOW HOW PERSUASIVE HE CAN BE.

YEAH, HE CAN CHARM THE BIRDS RIGHT OUT OF THE TREES.

WELL, WHY DON'T WE LET BYGONES BE BYGONES

AND GO BACK TO BEING GOOD NEIGHBORS AGAIN?

I'M AFRAID THEM HAPPY DAYS IS GONE FOREVER.

DARYL.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

TRADITION DEMANDS THAT WE THROW DOWN THE GAUNTLET.

WHICH SOMEONE APPARENTLY FORGOT TO BRING.

LARRY, WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

COVER YOUR TAILS AND PROTECT YOUR YOUNG'UNS.

'CAUSE AS OF NOW, YOUR CLAN AND OURS

IS OFFICIALLY FEUDING.

- FEUDING? - YES, MA'AM.

BY FEUDING, YOU MEAN YOU'LL BE REAL MAD AT US.

YEAH.

AND THAT WE'RE FEUDING.

UH, BY FEUDING,

YOU DON'T MEAN "BANG BANG"

"NOTIFY NEXT OF KIN"

HATFIELD-McCOY FEUDING?

COULDN'T SAY. NEVER MET 'EM.

UH, FELLAS?

BY FEUDING, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THE RULES OF COMBAT WILL BE APPARENT SOON ENOUGH.

WELL, NO, THEY WON'T, BECAUSE IT TAKES TWO SIDES

TO MAKE A FEUD. AND...

AND OUR SIDE ISN'T FEUDING.

OKAY. BUT YOU'RE MAKING IT AWFUL EASY ON US.

DICK, WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY'RE GOING TO DO?

PROBABLY NOTHING.

PROBABLY JUST A SCARE TACTIC.

THAT'S WORKING.

MAYBE I-- I'D BETTER PUT OUT SOME PEACE FEELERS.

UH, GUYS?

I WONDER HOW THE McCOYS GOT EGG OFF THEIR DOOR.

EXCUSE ME. WE'D LIKE TO CHECK IN.

REALLY? WHY?

WE HAVE A RESERVATION.

WE'RE ON OUR HONEYMOON.

AND YOU CAME TO THIS FRIGID WASTELAND

THAT SAPS YOUR SKIN OF ITS NATURAL OILS

AND MAKES YOU OLD BEFORE YOUR TIME?

THE BROCHURE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

IT SHOULD.

I JUST HOPE YOU TOOK PLENTY OF WEDDING PHOTOS.

IT'LL HELP YOU REMEMBER HER THE WAY SHE WAS.

MR. DAVIDSON, DON'T CHECK OUT!

WE CAME HERE FOR SOME PEACE AND QUIET.

NOT TO LISTEN TO SOME DERANGED TRIO

BANGING ON THEIR GARBAGE CANS ALL NIGHT.

UH, ACTUALLY THEY WERE OUR GARBAGE CANS.

AND THEY WEREN'T BANGING ON THEM.

THEY WERE FLATTENING THEM.

THANK YOU FOR CLEARING THAT UP.

WE WOULDN'T WANT TO LEAVE FOR THE WRONG REASON.

COME ON, ED, LET'S GO.

OH. HI.

BAD NEWS, DICK. WE'VE BEEN TOILET PAPERED.

OH NO.

BOY, THIS STUFF IS STRONG.

AND SOFT...

WE GOTTA GET THAT STUFF OUT OF THE TREES.

YOU DO IT. I'VE GOTTA STAY HERE

AND PROTECT THE YOUNG'UNS.

I'M SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING. CAN I HELP YOU?

NO. NO. WE JUST STOPPED IN TO GET DIRECTIONS.

- WHERE TO? - UH. FLORIDA.

YOU GO TO THE END OF THE DRIVEWAY

AND TURN SOUTH.

THANKS.

KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN. I'LL MAKE A RUN FOR IT.

DICK, THIS FEUD THING IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.

NOW WE'RE LOSING GUESTS.

WE'VE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.

I'M JUST GONNA LET 'EM HAVE THEIR FUN

UNTIL IT WEARS THEM DOWN.

PATIENCE IS MY BATTLE PLAN.

YOU NEED A TOWEL, GENERAL?

MY GOOD PANTS-- THAT DOES IT.

NO! THEY'LL GET YOU IF YOU GO OUT THERE!

THEY HAVE EGGS. IT'LL BE A FORTUNE IN DRY-CLEANING.

HONEY. DON'T WORRY.

I'M JUST GONNA REASON WITH THEM.

THIS THING HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.

QUERY, DICK.

IS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT MY PERSONALITY

THAT INCITES PEOPLE TO VIOLENCE?

YES.

ALL I SAID WAS "HI, ALL." NEXT THING I KNEW,

I HAD A GLACIER IN MY EYE.

HI, GUMDROP.

I WOULDN'T COME NEAR ME, MICHAEL,

UNLESS YOU WANNA GET SPRAY-AND-WAXED.

SAVE THAT VENOM FOR THE SKYCAP, STEPH.

WE'RE GOING AFTER ALL.

- WE ARE? - THAT'S RIGHT. PACK UP YOUR OLD KIT BAG.

WE ARE BERMUDA-BOUND.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR CRISIS AT THE STATION?

WELL, I'VE BEEN DOING SOME SOUL-SEARCHING, STEPH.

AND I'VE DECIDED

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN YOU ARE.

SO I MARCHED RIGHT INTO THAT STATION MANAGER'S OFFICE

AND TOLD HER, "I'M GOING...

INTO THE HOSPITAL FOR SEVEN DAYS."

OH!

COME ON. YOU CAN HELP ME WITH MY BAGS.

FORTUNATELY, I WAS SO BUSY

RIPPING UP PICTURES OF YOU

I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO UNPACK.

OH! DICK, WHAT HAPPENED?

UH, REASON--

REASON DIDN'T WORK OUT SO I TRIED SOMETHING ELSE.

- WHAT? - THE HOSE.

I GOT 'EM REALLY GOOD. LOOK AT 'EM.

YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE 'EM TURNING BLUE.

DICK, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY CHILDISH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU STOOPED TO THEIR LEVEL.

THIS IS LIGHT-YEARS AHEAD OF THEIR LEVEL.

I-- I TOOK 'EM OUT IN ONE BLOW.

GEORGE, I WANT YOU TO GO INTO TOWN

AND BUY UP EVERY EGG YOU CAN FIND.

- RIGHT, DICK. - GEORGE, STOP.

DICK, YOU'RE JUST GONNA MAKE THINGS WORSE.

HONEY, DID I MENTION THEY DUG UP YOUR AZALEAS?

AND GET SOME ROTTEN TOMATOES.

MICHAEL, HURRY. THIS IS HEAVY.

DICK, GUESS WHAT?

GEORGE, CAN YOU GIVE US A HAND GETTING THIS OUT TO THE CAR?

THERE'S NO POINT. LARRY AND HIS BROTHERS

HAVE BLOCKED THE DRIVEWAY WITH A HUGE WALL OF SNOW.

- NO ONE CAN GET OUT. - WHAT?

LOOK FOR YOURSELF.

HERE, HOLD THIS!

OH MY GOD!

LOOK AT THAT PILE OF WHITE HELL!

STEPH, WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO? IF WE CAN'T GET OUT OF HERE--

DON'T SAY IT!

DON'T SAY WE CAN'T GO TO BERMUDA!

DICK! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

YOU'VE GOTTA GO OVER THERE AND MAKE THEM

UNBLOCK THE DRIVEWAY.

WELL, I DON'T THINK I HAVE A LOT OF INFLUENCE.

I JUST HOSED 'EM.

I TOOK 'EM OUT WITH ONE SHOT.

DICK, I AM PREPARED TO CRY AND CARRY ON ABOUT THIS.

AND YOU CAN COUNT ME IN ON THE "CARRYING ON" PART.

HONEY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO OVER THERE.

THE SOONER THIS THING ENDS, THE BETTER.

BESIDES, YOU GOT THEM LAST.

IF YOU STOP NOW, YOU WIN.

WELL, THAT'S TRUE.

I'LL COME WITH YOU. I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE LARRY.

AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, I'LL GET DARYL ON MY SIDE.

YOU KNOW HOW PERSUASIVE HE CAN BE.

LARRY?

DARYL?

DARYL?

IT'S SAFE, DICK. YOU CAN DROP THE GARBAGE CAN LID.

[LID CLATTERS]

- GUYS? - OH, THEY'RE PROBABLY

OUT BACK TRYING TO COAX MORE AMMO OUT OF THE CHICKENS.

WE'D BETTER LEAVE.

HI. I'M LARRY. THIS IS MY BROTHER, DARYL.

AND THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER, DARYL.

ONE FALSE MOVE, AND WE'LL EGG YOU TO KINGDOM COME.

THAT DON'T APPLY TO YOU, MS. STEPHANIE.

AND MAY I SAY, YOU'RE LOOKING PARTICULARLY VIVACIOUS.

EVEN IN WARTIME.

THANK YOU, LARRY. THAT'S VERY OBSERVANT.

DICK WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

SEEMS TO ME, LAST TIME WE SEEN YOU,

YOU WAS DOING YOUR TALKIN' WITH A HOSE.

YOU SENT OUT A PRETTY CLEAR MESSAGE

WITH THE TOILET PAPER.

MEN, MEN.

PEACE FIRST. WAR STORIES LATER.

DICK?

I-- I THINK IT'S TIME TO STOP THE FEUD.

MY INN'S A MESS, THE GUESTS ARE LEAVING,

AND I HAD TO PUT MY GARBAGE CANS OUT WITH THE TRASH.

WELL, WE'RE FEELING THE SCARS OF BATTLE OURSELVES.

THAT HOSING WAS A MASTERSTROKE.

DARYL AIN'T HAD THE SNIFFLES LIKE THIS

SINCE THAT BATH LAST SUMMER.

THEN IT'S AGREED.

WE'VE ALL SUFFERED ENOUGH.

ESPECIALLY ME.

SO, WHY DON'T WE CALL OFF THIS SILLY FEUD,

AND YOU CAN UNBLOCK OUR DRIVEWAY?

THERE'S NOTHING WE'D RATHER DO.

WE LIKE YOU FOLKS.

BUT TRADITION WON'T ALLOW US TO JUST CALL IT OFF.

WELL, WHAT DOES TRADITION ALLOW?

COMPLETE AND UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER ON HIS PART.

OH-- OKAY.

YOU-- YOU GOT IT.

DID YOU HEAR THAT? WE OWN OURSELVES AN INN!

WHAT-- WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DIDN'T I EXPLAIN THAT? ACCORDING TO TRADITION,

THE SPOILS GO TO THE VICTOR.

YOUR INN IS A SPOIL.

ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU MAY AS WELL ASK ME

FOR MY MONEY, MY CAR, AND MY WIFE.

MAYBE YOU'D BETTER SIT DOWN FOR THIS NEXT PART.

NO-- NO DEAL, NO SURRENDER.

NO WAY.

OKAY. EGG HIM.

OKAY, HOLD IT!

YOU TWO DROP THOSE EGGS.

AND YOU TWO, SIT DOWN.

NOW!

LARRY, I WANT YOU AND YOUR BROTHERS

TO CLEAR THAT DRIVEWAY NOW.

NOT TILL HE GIVES ME THE INN.

DICK, GIVE HIM THE INN.

LARRY, YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE INN.

WHAT ELSE CAN HE DO TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

NOTHING.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NOTHING?!

I SEEM TO REMEMBER...

BY-LAWS TO THE TRADITION THAT STATES...

HE HAS TO FORMALLY APOLOGIZE TO...

AND KISS THE OFFENDED PARTY.

DO IT, DICK.

I'LL APOLOGIZE, BUT I'M...

NOT GONNA KISS HIM.

NOT ME. HER.

FINE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, FINE?

IF YOU DON'T DO IT, WE AIN'T SHOVELIN'.

DICK, ONE KISS.

YOU'LL GET YOUR INN. I GET BERMUDA.

SHE'S A GOAT.

MARTHA, I'M...

I'M SORRY I TURNED YOU IN.

OKAY, NOW KISS HER.

IS ON THE FOREHEAD ALL RIGHT?

MAYBE YOU'D BETTER SIT DOWN FOR THIS NEXT PART.

�� [THEME]