Original subtitles

- Did you call Dick?

- Yeah, he'll be here in a minute.

And I'll get the dinner.

- Boy, am I hungry. - Me, too.

I never used to eat much,

but ever since I've been here, I've been ravenous.

- It's probably all the work you've been doing.

- I guess that's true. I have been busy.

- Boy, that looks good. - I hope so.

- I never realized how much there was to do

around a place like this until I had to do it.

- It can wear you out.

Oh, boy! Mashed potatoes.

- I'll get the rolls and gravy.

- Thanks.

- I'm just exhausted all the time.

- I know what you mean, it never ends.

- Now, have I forgotten anything?

- The butter. - Right.

- I don't mind saying, I could use a day off.

- Who couldn't?

But in this business, it's 7 days a week,

24 hours a day.

- Ah, there, that should be everything.

- Look at this pot roast, vegetables,

rolls, homemade gravy.

Joanna, do you think someday

when I meet the right guy and get married,

that you could teach me to teach whoever I hire

how to cook just like you?

- Sure.

There you are. How's the book coming?

- Oh, not fast enough.

This is the last time I do a book on such short notice.

It's impossible to write

everything you ever wanted to know about camping

in a week. It just can't be done.

- I'm sure you'll finish on time.

- No, it won't, honey. It can't be done.

- Where are you going? - Back to work.

- Dick, I hate to think of you wolfing down dinner

at your desk.

-Wolfing is all I'm gonna have time for tonight.

- Excuse me. I'm sorry. I don't mean to interrupt.

- Can we help you with something?

- Who do I see about a room?

- Me, I guess. I'm going that way anyway.

- I'm not taking you away from your dinner, am I?

- No, you're taking me away from my work.

My dinner is right here.

- I'm sorry.

- No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to seem grumpy.

It's just I'm very busy.

- I'm not even completely sure I need a room.

I mean, I need a room,

but I'm not sure I need it for a whole night.

I don't mean that the way it sounds.

See, I had a little spat with my wife,

and I figured I better get out

and let things cool off.

- So that would be a single room?

- Uh, yeah.

First time in 19 years.

But it's no big deal.

She's probably calling all over town for me.

She hasn't called here yet, has she?

Holstead. Marjorie Holstead?

- No, she hasn't. - Oh, well.

Whether she calls me, or I call her,

it's no big deal. - There you go, Mr. Holstead.

Top of the stairs, third door on the right.

- Great. I'm gonna pay you now,

in case she calls, and I end up leaving early.

How much was it?

- 35. - Oh, good.

Oh, look, there's my wife right there.

- She's a handsome woman. - Yeah.

You should see her in color.

I'm sorry. Look.

I've got 20. How much was that?

- 20. - Oh, good.

That dinner looks great, by the way.

I didn't even get any dinner.

- Hi, Dick! - Hi, Kirk!

- Oh, you want to talk in your study.

- No, I want to work in my study.

- Listen, before you start,

what would you say to you and me building

a miniature golf course?

- I would say I'm very busy, and good night.

- Dick, pull your head out of the sand

and listen to the world around you.

People love miniature golf.

- I have a book that's due in four days.

- I don't care.

Miniature golf is a gold mine.

Just think how it would sound.

The Stratford Inn, nestled in a grove of maple--

The Stratford Inn, nestled in a grove of maple trees,

just a stone's throw from Dartmouth College,

featuring colonial decor and 18 holes

of championship miniature golf.

- No, Kirk. - Before you say no--

- I just said no. - Let me get some brochures.

- No.

- I'll bring 'em over tomorrow. - No!

- I'll be by at 8 in the morning.

- No! - I'll see you at 8.

- Good morning. - Hi.

- No breakfast? - No time.

- You can't write on an empty stomach.

- Yes, I can. Honey, I'll have a big lunch.

I've got to get started.

And I mean it, no calls, no interruptions.

I don't care if the inn is burning down,

just throw a wet blanket over me and let me keep working.

- Morning! Any word from my wife yet?

- Morning, Mr. Holstead. No, I'm sorry.

- Oh.

- Dick told me what happened. I'm sorry, too.

- You'll have to excuse me. I have a book to write.

- Oh, you're a writer? - Yeah.

- Boy, I always wanted to be a writer.

And a pilot, I really wanted to be a pilot.

- I really have to get to work.

- What's the book about?

- Camping.

- Oh, I always wanted to be a camper.

Well, I guess I'll be leaving.

- I hope things work out with you and your wife.

- Oh, I'm sure they will.

We have our little tiffs like everybody every once in a while.

You wouldn't know where I can get some flowers

this early in the morning?

- Gee, I don't know. I doubt if the florist is open yet.

- Oh. - Hi. Where's Dick?

- I thought I'd stop by the house

before she left for work.

- Who? - His wife.

- Sure would help if I had some flowers on me when I do.

- Take these. - Those would be fine.

- Oh, that's awfully nice.

You wouldn't have a card to go with these.

- What do you need a card for?

She'll know they're flowers.

Is Dick still sleeping?

- No, Kirk. - Well, thanks anyway.

Gosh, this is a nice place.

Maybe I'll come back sometime.

- With your wife. - Right. Good-bye.

- And good luck. - Thanks!

Oh, and I'll return the vase.

- Keep it.

Is he in his study? - You can't go in!

- I'll tell him you tried to stop me.

- Kirk!

- You're not gonna believe how cheaply

we can get into miniature golf.

- Joanna? - I tried to stop him.

- No, she didn't.

- Kirk, get out.

- It's okay. I can take care of it.

Kirk, get out.

- Guess how absurdly little it will cost to build a course.

- No. - Guess, or I'm never leaving.

- $5,000.

- Get real, Dick. $15,000.

We'll make that back the first day.

- Get out! - Just take a look

at some of these themes we can choose from.

There's galactic golf, there's daffy golf,

there's gorilla golf.

- Kirk, it's a dumb plan.

We have snow on the ground six months out of the year.

- Polar golf.

- And the other two months, we have mud.

I don't have time to run it. You don't have time to run it.

It's a stupid plan.

- Are you saying you're not interested?

- That's right. - Well, I'm not giving up.

I'll build the course without you.

- Fine.

- And I'm putting it on your property.

- You do, and I'll sue you.

- Fine, you can serve me the papers

on the windmill hole.

- How did your meeting go?

- Your husband is living in the Stone Age.

- Well, if you don't need me, I'm off to do some shopping.

- Before you go, did you wash those bed spreads?

- Why don't I just buy some while I'm out?

- Stephanie.

- Joanna, do you realize how long it's been

since I've gone shopping?

- Not until you finish your work.

- You don't understand,

I'm not someone who goes shopping to get out of work,

and I don't go shopping because I'm bored.

I go shopping, because...

I need to shop.

- It's not that I don't want you to go shopping,

It's just I want you to understand priorities.

- Do you wanna come with me?

- That's not gonna work, Stephanie.

- No, I mean it, I want you to come.

- Really? - Yes.

- Even if I come, you'd still have to do your work first.

- I know. - How quick can you finish?

- 20 minutes. - What if I help you?

- Half that. - Let's go.

- Hi, Dick. - Hi, George.

- Getting some rolls? - Yeah.

- Yeah, rolls are great.

Are you gonna give me a pension plan?

- I really haven't thought about it much.

- Well, I'm just kind of worried about my future.

- Could we talk about this later?

- We can't talk about it too much later.

I'm not gonna have a future

if I don't start planning for it.

I saw something on TV last night.

Say want you want about TV,

but it can be pretty darn informative.

- I guess.

- I'm just worried about ending up all alone.

- You won't be alone, George. You have Joanna and I.

- I know, but let's face it, Dick.

Any Sunday afternoon, you and Joanna could go out for a drive.

A truck comes around a corner,

and, wham, I'm alone.

- George, if you're really that worried about it,

why don't you go down to the bank

and talk to someone down there about it.

That's their business, planning for the future.

- That's a good idea, Dick.

What would I do without you?

- I guess you're gonna find out at the bank.

- Are you still out here? I thought you'd be working.

- I'm trying, but every time I turn around,

somebody interrupts me.

If I could get 24 hours with no distractions,

I'd be home free.

- Hi. - Oh, no.

- Mr. Holstead, don't tell me you're back.

- Funny, that's just what Marjorie said.

- What happened?

- Honey, it's none of our business.

- My whole life just fell apart.

- I don't suppose this is anything we can talk about

after I finish my book?

- Dick! - I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be coming over here,

dumping all my problems on you guys.

- Don't be silly. - It's not silly.

- Boy, I didn't realize Marjorie was this angry.

Do you know what she called me?

An aimless, indecisive wimp.

- Maybe you're just taking it wrong.

- Ed, do you know why she called you that?

- Because I've never been able to decide

what I want to do in my life.

Now, her? Marjorie is a career-oriented person.

She's a high-school principal. Lots of responsibilities.

Very imposing woman.

You've seen her picture.

Boy...

But me? I'm not like that.

No, I just kind of go along, you know,

dreaming... and selling suits.

- Ed, there's nothing wrong with being a suit salesman.

- There is, if you really want to be something else.

- What is it you really want to be?

- Anything but a divorced suit salesman.

- Ed, maybe all she needs is a little cooling off period.

- Yeah. It's not like I've been a bad husband.

I don't drink, I don't gamble,

I don't smoke, I'm reliable.

Boy, when she walks in that door at night,

her dinner is on the table.

Where does she get off being the injured party?

I'm the one who got yelled at.

I'm the one who's gonna need

a little time for cooling off.

- Well, maybe so.

- Yeah, maybe it's good this happened.

Ho, ho, ho. Yes, siree.

Maybe I'm even glad it happened.

It's about time I realized

that Marjorie and I have just grown apart.

I'm going to my room.

And if she calls, you can tell her for me

I'll be right over.

- Dick?

- George, is this really important?

I'm very busy.

- Okay.

- Honey?

- Joanna, is this a conspiracy?

Nobody wants me to finish this book?

- Now, Dick, that's not fair.

We have tried to leave you alone.

But now George is back home from the bank

where you sent him.

He just wants to talk to you for five minutes.

- And you told him I would. - For five minutes.

Good old George?

- All right. Get him in here.

- Okay. George?

I'll leave you two alone.

- Thanks, honey.

- Joanna told me you didn't really mean it

when you said you were busy.

- How'd things go at the bank?

- Pretty good. They took my life savings

and put them in a new account

that earns a higher interest.

- That sounds good.

- You know, Dick, the man at the bank said that,

over the course of a lifetime,

the average person earns over $400,000.

- I think I've heard that.

- And he said that the average person

ought to save about ten percent of that.

That's $40,000.

- And how much have you saved? - 600.

He said, at the rate I'm going,

I probably shouldn't think about retirement in my lifetime.

- George, maybe you should think about saving a little more.

- That's what the man at the bank said.

I guess I could cut back on a few things.

I know I spend a fortune on nails.

- George, anything you spend on the inn,

I'd reimburse you for.

- Really?

I've been buying things for the inn

ever since you came here.

You don't suppose you owe me $40,000?

- No, George. I'll tell you what.

Why don't you figure out what you can put aside every week,

and whatever that is, I'll match it.

- You'd do that?

- I was going to give you a raise.

We'll just call it your raise.

- Boy, that sounds like a great idea.

Gee, thanks, Dick.

It sure takes a load off my mind.

- I'm glad.

- Now every time you and Joanna

go out for a drive on Sundays,

I can breathe easy.

- Dick, I know you're up to your ears in work--

Who isn't?

But I thought you'd like to know that there are men outside

with a bulldozer and a windmill.

- I'm going to kill Kirk.

- Dick, did you know that there are men out there--

- I heard.

Hey, get off that bulldozer!

George, go out and tell him we don't want

a miniature golf course.

- A miniature golf course?

- George. - Okay.

- Kirk!

Don't turn away, I know you can hear me!

You get in here this instant,

or I'll hire that bulldozer to mow down your cafe.

- Is he coming?

- Of course he's coming, that was a great threat.

- What is it?

- What in the world do you think you're doing?

- Why are you so upset? I told you I was gonna do this.

- Are you crazy? - Just calm down.

Give me $14,000, and we'll both be rich.

- Get those men outta here, or I'll call the police.

- Look, I can't have these people leave now,

or I'll lose my $500 deposit.

- Get them out of here.

- You're the most unbending man in the world.

- Now, Kirk. - Okay, fine.

But from this moment on, our friendship is over.

- He's really nuts, isn't he?

- Yeah.

- Just as a matter of curiosity,

what is a miniature golf course?

- Well, a miniature golf is a golf course

that's very... small, and, uh...

you putt these colored golf balls

through a windmill

and a dinosaur

and a loop-de-loop.

- Why?

- No one knows.

- Hi. - Hi, Ed.

- Oh, what are you doing here?

I thought you checked out.

- I checked back in.

- Oh!

Uh, in that case,

why don't you loiter in the lobby for a few minutes,

and I'll run up and throw your room together.

- Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

- Rough day? - Boy.

- I don't want to seem insensitive,

but I have a book to write.

- Is that that same book, Dick?

- As this morning? Yeah.

- You are a lucky guy.

- Yeah, I know that. Well, I gotta get started.

- You've got this beautiful inn,

a real career, a wife who likes you,

a reason to live.

- Did something else happen today, Ed?

- I told my boss that Marjorie had thrown me out.

He said, if I let it affect my work, he'd fire me.

Then I tried calling Marjorie at the school,

but she wouldn't take my calls.

I even went down to the school cafeteria.

I thought I'd catch her at lunch.

She must have eaten in her office.

Sat through both meal periods.

By the way, we're not having fish sticks for dinner, are we?

- No. - Oh, that's one good thing.

- I'm sorry about all this, Ed.

- Well, I'm sure eventually things will work out.

You'll just have to have me mope around here

a little while longer.

- You know you can stay here as long as you want.

- Oh, thanks.

- No, he can't. - What?

- I don't think this is the best place for him.

There's nothing I hate more than butting in

to other people's personal problems.

- I welcome it.

- You say your marriage is in trouble because

your wife thinks you're a wimp.

You want to know something?

You are a wimp. - Oh.

- Dick! - No, no, he's right.

Go on, Dick, lay it on. I need this.

- Look, you want your wife back, right?

- More than being a stunt man.

- Then tell her that. - She won't talk to me.

- Then go see her.

Go to your house and say,

"Marjorie, we're never gonna solve our problems,

"with you here and me over at the Stratford.

"My marriage means a lot to me,

and you're not gonna ruin it."

- Oh, I could never say that to Marjorie.

- Why not?

- I can't talk and dodge dishes at the same time.

- Then don't try to talk.

Take a dish and throw it back at her.

- Dick!

- I'm trying to tell him to stand up to her.

- Wish I could. - You can.

- You really think so? - Yes.

- You'll go with me? - No.

- Why not?

- Because she wants him to be strong.

Being strong is not bringing two friends along with you.

We could wait in the car.

- I have a book to write.

- I promise I won't keep you.

With you there, I know I won't chicken out.

- What do you say, honey?

- Please, Dick?

This is stupid. But if it'll help, fine.

Let's go and get it over with.

- Okay! We can't, she's not home.

- When will she be home? - Oh, I don't know.

With Marjorie's schedule, you can never tell.

It could be anytime from 7 to 7:10.

- Okay, that's it. We go to your house 7 or 7:10.

Now I have got to get some work done on my book.

- Don't take him wrong, Ed. He's a wonderful guy.

He'd do anything for people.

It's just that... he has this thing

about his work.

- Oh, I know what you mean.

I go through the same thing with Marjorie.

ED: This is good.

This feels like this is the thing to do.

- DICK: Ed, would you quit bouncing up and down

in the back seat? - I'm sorry.

Neighborhood looks really good.

This is it!

- That's a pretty house, Ed. - Yeah.

You see those two trees in the front yard

and all those hedges by the front porch?

- Yeah.

- They were all there when we moved in.

- Really, that's great.

- Well, this is it. - Just remember, be strong.

- Right.

- You put 20 years into this marriage,

and you're not gonna give up on it now.

- Right.

- Show her you're a man. - Man. Got it.

Look, I don't know what I would have done

without you two guys in the last couple of days.

If I don't see you again, I want you to know

I think you're terrific people.

- Oh, thank you.

- Dick, if you ever finish that book of yours,

I'm gonna buy it.

- That may be just the incentive I've been looking for.

- Good luck!

Well, there he goes.

- Yeah.

Don't ring the bell! Walk in!

- Well, he's in. - Yeah.

- I know you didn't want to do this,

but I'm awfully glad you did.

- At the rate Ed was going,

there was no telling how long he'd be with us.

If it helps him and saves a marriage,

I guess it was worth it.

- What are you doing back here? - Oh, this isn't a good time.

- What do you mean it isn't a good time?

- What would be a good time? - When she's alone.

- Oh, Ed, I'm so sorry.

- She didn't waste any time, did she?

- I guess not.

- Well, two can play at this game.

I know who that guy is in there,

and I know how to get even.

- What are you gonna do? - Nothing yet.

But wait till he needs a suit.

- Oh, there you are.

I woke up, and I couldn't find you.

- Yeah, I wanted to be at the post office when it opened.

- You finished your book.

- At 4 this morning. - Oh, Dick.

If it's any consolation, I'm proud of you.

You had an almost impossible task, and you did it.

- I'll appreciate it more when I get some sleep.

- Freeze, Dick!

- Tell her. I'm going to bed.

- Dick, listen.

I acted like a fool over this miniature golf thing.

Our friendship means too much to me.

I'm willing to let bygones be bygones,

if you give me $250 for your half of the deposit.

- No.

- Then our friendship is over!

- Wake you up around noon? - Fine.