All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S09E07.HDTV.x264-KILLERS

- _
- Does everyone have a glass?

I'm just giving my thanksgiving toast.

Oh, come on, Dad, isn't it weird
that every year you single out

one person who somehow made you
extra proud this year?

- Makes the rest of us feel like...
- It's you, Claire.

Yeah! I knew it!

And you, Phil, and you, Mitchell.
Actually, it's all of you.

I know I get a hard time for stirring
up competition in the family,

but look at the results.

Phil scoring with his new magic shop.

Cam winning the big game.

Claire winning the race.

And Mitchell scaring away that burglar.

And you are a winner, too, Jay.

He wanted to spend more time with Joe,

so he's dropping him off and picking
him up from school every day.

Dad, what is wrong with her?

I challenged her to get
to 100,000 steps in a week.

-That's easy.
-That's so easy.

Without shopping.

- Oh.
- I get... I get the challenge.

She's 1,000 steps from glory.

Like the rest of you, she was motivated
by my stingy praise.

As I look around the room,
I see nothing but winners,

and I couldn't be prouder.

To us! Everyone here is a winner.

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- _
- Oh, you knew I was nervous

about the big game,
so you set out my... Okay.

Sprinkles are for heroes.

Here, Daddy.
Thank you for protecting us.

We're all so proud of Mitchell about
what happened the other day.

What I was thinking was, we could...

- Oh, my gosh!
- Was there a break-in?

Yeah, yeah. It was... It was crazy.

I just started yelling at him,
and I guess I scared him away, so...

Oh, my gosh, sweetie. Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

- You're so brave.
- Oh, honey.

So proud.

If the robber comes back
when Brave Daddy isn't here,

- we can use these.
- Okay, no, no, no, no.

I had to confiscate those at school.
They're very dangerous,

and, plus, you should avoid the clich�.

Confiscating contraband is part
of my new job at school.

I was recently promoted to
acting vice principal.

Which has nothing to do with acting.
That was made very clear to me.

Hey. Hey. Y-You seem a little nervous.

Are you... Are you worried
about the big game?

Yeah. I'm a little nervous.

The Rattlesnakes have beat us
the last six years, and we cannot lose.

Is any of this because
their coach is a woman?

I mean, shouldn't we be
rooting for her, because...

Oh, what, because she's another
straight person coaching football?

- Well, good luck.
- Thank you, sweetie.

You know, I can't promise
that I'll make you as proud

as your daddy who fought off
a burglar, but I will try.

You know, there's murmurs
that the booster club

is gonna divert some of our
money to the science program

because that's what made
the Kennedys cool, you know,

playing science on the lawn.

Ow! The first person who figures out

how to stick these numbers
right on is gonna be rich.

You could just pin it to
your shirt before you put it on.

Have you shared this idea
with anyone else?

When Alex was a baby, I used to
throw her in a jogging stroller,

and she was my running buddy.

This week, when she found out
I was doing a 10K,

she insisted on coming.

Snore.

I'm using my mom as a subject
for my stupid psych paper

because I started too late
to sign out a monkey.

It's about positive versus
negative reinforcement.

First half of the race...
"You can do it, Mom!"

Second half...
"It's not your day, lady!"

Thankfully, after it's done,

I'll still be able to give out
the banana I bought.

Thank you so much
for taking care of Joe.

I still have to get some things
from the store for dinner.

It's no problem.

I got a lot of knowledge to pass on.

You been practicing your burping drills?

Yes!

- Better.
- Okay, enough chitchat.

Give me the V.I.P. pass for the sale.

Everybody's heard
of the H. Bronfman Clothiers

Black Friday sale where the hoi polloi
fight over tuxedos like animals.

But on Thanksgiving Day,

a select few
are invited to get first crack.

If I get everything I want,

that tux will be 80% off
in Tammy Bosworth's dorm room.

Black gold.

I got it as a tip from some club members

who had me "deal" with some geese.

You will not taint this experience.

Claire, why do you have that number?

Are you in a pageant?

She's running a 10K.
And she is going to do great.

I know that you're
gonna make us oh-so proud!

Obviously, this was meant
to be a group hug,

and my invitation got lost in the mail.

Phil... that crazy phone booth

that you ordered for your magic trick...

It's already at my house.

It's here two days early?!
I can shoot my how-to video today!

Haley! Showtime!

It goes without saying
that the greatest trick

to come out of World War II
is the Normandy Phone Booth.

Over the years, its reputation
has ebbed and flowed.

It was famously booed

at the 1969 Narragansett Magic Festival.

Of course, this is a time
when most people are into protest magic.

So naturally, they would thumb
their nose at a classic trick

where a heroic soldier
dashes into a phone booth

to make a world-saving call

while it slowly fills with water!

Come on, hippies!

God!

All right, buddy.
Run outside and play real quick.

I'm gonna take care
of something upstairs.

I had to update my profile pic

on this new social-media app
called Inseam.

It's super cool. No one knows about it.

Some old guys were using it
for home tailoring,

but then two Brooklyn DJs

started sharing a couple
of videos on it, and it blew up.

Not approachable.

Too approachable.

There's my guy.

What's up?

Dude, I was just about to leave,

and I saw your new pic
popped up on Inseam.

You're on Inseam?

Yes, I've been on it for a week.

Okay, look at your picture.
Joe is in a tree behind you.

Whoa!

Aah! Aah.

Oh, my God, he's right there!
Hang on, Joe!

Hello?

- What's going on with Joe?
- You're on Inseam?

Of course I'm on Inseam.
Is my son hanging from a tree?

Oh, that's great!

You fell for it. I'm, uh... I'm getting
pretty good at Photoshop.

That's a fake picture?

Yeah, I got a bunch of Joe
doing dangerous stuff.

You're gonna have to show me
this later, okay?

Will do.

Well, thanks to you,

now I'm all sweaty,
and it's gonna be impossible

to judge the silk shirts.

They're supposed to blouse, not cling.

Hey, can I see that card for a second?

- What are you doing?
- I'll put this card back in your hand

when you Photoshop that kid's
head in an alligator's mouth.

Upper Valley on the 2-yard line

with 10 seconds to go.

A touchdown will win the game.

Okay, timeout! Timeout!

Let's go, Dolphins!

Coach, what is our defense?

Okay, you know what?
It's a running situation,

but they've been killing us
with that pass all day.

My gut tells me they're
gonna pass, but...

Okay, just let me think about it.
Move. Move!

Those dumb bastards

are going to be thinking pass,
which is why we're going to run.

Trap Two, on the left side.

My vice principal walkie-talkie

accidentally picked up
that Upper Valley coach

calling her dumb lady play.

Now, was I gonna change my defense?

Only some spineless
win-at-all-costs glory hound

would choose winning
over showing some moral fiber.

Dolphins win! Dolphins win!

Yes!

- _
- Everybody in that stadium,

including me, was expecting a pass.

But your instincts
told you something else.

- That's big-time, my friend.
- Well, I-I-I appreciate it, Jay.

Uh, thank you.

Mitchell!

I'm a fraud.

Well, then stop telling that barista

that you understudied Javert
on Broadway.

He knows your name. He can look it up.

No, I overheard the lady coach
call her play on my walkie-talkie,

and I changed my defense
to win the game.

And now I'm having anxiety,
and I have to confess.

No, you... you are not gonna confess.

You're gonna smush
that anxiety into a little ball,

and you're gonna push it
into that little, tiny hole

in your soul where childhood traumas go.

Everybody here is a winner.

If you end up being
the one loser at the table,

I'm gonna get nothing but
condescending pity from everybody.

Especially Claire,
that insufferable phony.

- Mm.
- Hey, so pretty!

Luke!

Oh, hey Gloria. Sure love those bangs.

What's the story with those?

I know you have been avoiding me

because there are no
Photoshopped pictures of Joe in danger.

And the the answer to your
question is very simple...

They frame my face.

Oh, those pictures.

Here we are.

- Ah. Joe poking a bees' nest.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, and Joe killing Lee Harvey Oswald.

So cute.

Jay, Luke is a genius.

Thanks, buddy.

You can go do your fancy shopping now.

Awesome. To make up for the time I lost,

I'm gonna baby oil my heels
so I can try on shoes faster.

Phil, did you see this Photoshop
stuff that Luke did?

He's a real magician.

I guess he came by it honestly.

That means the world to me, Jay.

I'm living a lie.

Claire, everyone in this family's
a winner except for me.

Abraka-failure.

Ready to fill this thing up?

- _
- Um, yeah. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

The... The whole reason we're here

is to use the pool water,
which is recyclable.

I'm sort of a hero in
the sustainable magic movement.

I'd hate to lose
my three green rabbits rating.

Okay. Should we start filming?

For sure. Yeah. For sure.

I-I-I think I'll... I'll probably just
take a quick minute.

As a young man,
I had no fear of any trick

where I was jammed into tight spaces...

Fox in a Box, The Wrong
Shepherd, Einstein's Birdbath.

Lately, though, I have had
a touch of claustrophobia,

which is usually cleared up

by a quick call
to my super-supportive wife.

Oh, you finally picked up.

No, no, it's not an emergency.

I just... Hello? Claire?

Just give me the word, Dad.

Oh. Yep. Uh...

Let's...

Let's do this.

Great. Ready?

- Yeah.
- And...action.

Hello, and congratulations
on your purchase

of the Normandy Phone Booth.

The following will demonstrate

just how much fun you've... dialed up.

Here we are on D-Day.
Where's the damned air support?

Oh, good.

A p... phone booth.

I hear the Nazis
have booby-trapped these,

but I will...

I definitely will take the risk
of calling Allied Command.

Hello, General.

Yes, the enemy is all around us.

Blast!

This is one of the phone booths

that's booby-trapped.

Oh, no!

Yes, General, the enemy is closing in!

There's no esca...
Haley! Get me out of here!

Who's Haley? I'm Nurse Rutherford.

If I can't do this trick, my magic shop

is gonna be the laughingstock
of the mini-mall.

And there's still a Blockbuster there.

Honey, I know you're
going through something,

but you need to keep it to yourself,

because we will not be
the loser family this year.

- Claire.
- Yeah?

I had a genius idea.

Your race went right
by Pritchett's Closets.

- Uh-huh.
- Pull the security tape.

We'll blow up a frame of you
in the lead and run a big ad...

"Pritchett's. Leading
the Pack for 30 Years."

- Genius!
- I love it, Dad! Yes!

I am on that!

Wow.

We have problem.

I had a problem.

_

H-H... Hello?

Hel... Damn it.

Phil, this better be an emergency.

Oh, you finally picked up.

No, no, it's not an emergency.
I just...

I'm running a race, and you
just screwed up my playlist!

From that point on,

I was no longer
on the actual race course.

Thank you!

Thanks.

I guess I hit a point where
I funneled back onto the course.

I did notice that
I seemed to have more energy

than the few people in front of me,

but I didn't...
I didn't think much of it.

I did it! I won! I won!

Did you see that, honey? I won!

Uh, no, you didn't.

I was standing at the 5K mark
and never saw you.

- What?
- Claire!

I was at the store, and I saw you win!

- Oh, honey!
- Oh!

- Oh.
- I know her! She's my stepdaughter!

There's not gonna be any footage

of you running past Pritchett's Closets

because you cut two miles
out of a six-mile race.

Better tell Grandpa you didn't win.

Oh, you are my moral compass.

Which is why I don't want to talk to you
for the rest of the day.

Luke! I need a favor,
no questions asked.

What do you need? Phone cards?

No. I need you to Photoshop
a picture of me from today

running in front of Pritchett's Closets.

No problem.

- New problem.
- I...

I want to grab a picture
of you and Claire.

I want to post it on my Inseam account.

Oh, what's Inseam?

- I use it for home tailoring.
- Oh.

- Claire.
- Yeah?

Could you get in here, please?

- My two superstars.
- Okay!

I can't believe you
won with that bad knee.

Well, at least if somebody
tries to steal that thing,

they got to get through this guy.

I just did what any hero would do.

- It's...
- Are you wearing makeup?

Uh, well, yeah. I got a bruise.

I thought... I thought
you screamed and he ran away?

Uh, well, there was a...
There was a scuffle.

You went with your instinct.

Fight or flight. You fought.

I'm gonna post this on Inseam.

Double-click.

- Damn it!
- You fought.

- Mm-hmm.
- You fought?

Uh-huh. How close did you
get to this "intruder"?

Okay, Claire. That is just about enough.

Mitchell suffered a trauma,

and I don't appreciate
your mocking tone.

- Excuse us.
- Okay?

Thank you, sweetie.

Okay, look, we both know
two things for certain...

I look fabulous in coral,
and you didn't fight off any intruder.

There... There is a backstory.

In the summer of 1984,
inspired by "The Karate Kid,"

I went through a martial arts phase.

When Cam brought those nunchucks home,

it was just too much to resist.

Hello, old friend.

30 years later,

once again,
it was time to sweep the leg.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, God. Oh, no!

Why didn't you just tell me?
I don't know.

You... You walked in, and you
asked if there was a break-in,

and I-I was embarrassed
and possibly concussed,

so I just... I went with it.

Besides, my dad and Claire
cannot know, okay?

That whole "Karate Kid" summer,
they called me "Kung Sue."

Oh.

Turkey is gonna be ready in 10 minutes!

- Where is Phil?
- I'll let him know.

Okay.

- 10 minutes.
- I can't take it!

Just breathe, Dad.
We are breaking this fear of yours.

- I'm dying here!
- Hey, hey, hey! Look at me.

Do you want to spend
the rest of your life

as an open-space magician?

Yeah.

Jay, I saw on Inseam that
there was a Thanksgiving pageant

at Joe's school.

Why didn't you tell me?

I totally forgot.

Joe hasn't been in school for a week.

I had a falling-out with his teacher.

And got sent to the principal's office.

You said some pretty harsh
things to Mrs. Barrish.

In my defense, um,
this banquet she's planning

is not historically accurate.

For example, I don't remember
a tandoori chicken option

at the first Thanksgiving.

We have children here
from many ethnicities,

and we try to make them all
feel included.

Be that as it may, history
does not record Pocahontas

asking John Smith
to pass the sashimi roll

while Myles Standish helps himself

to gluten-free huevos rancheros!

After that, it got heated,
and we got expelled.

"We"?

But they'll call. They need my check.

Why didn't the school tell me anything?

It's like I am off their e-mail list.

Huh.

I didn't even see the costumes.

Well, he didn't have a costume.

No, he was the narrator.
Kid told the whole story.

Ay, papi�.

You must have been so cute.

Why don't you perform it
for everybody at dinner?

I'll go get my phone, and we'll film it.

- Okay?
- Yes.

I gotta get you up to speed
in a hurry, buddy.

The story of Thanksgiving. Here goes.

It's no use! I can't do it!

Aaahh!

99,999...

100,000!

Son of a bitch, she did it!

See that, people?

Another person doing
their best, thanks to me.

It's time to eat.

Hey, Google,
how much time left on the turkey?

GOOGLE ASSISTANT: Two minutes remaining.

See? I can control that crazy doughnut,
I can do the steps.

I have two achievements,
and the rest have only one.

So, Grandpa really motivated you

by telling you you couldn't
do something, huh?

I need to see that My StepCounter
for a paper I'm writing.

Everybody achieved something today,

so now it's Joe's turn.

Joe... tell us about
the first Thanksgiving.

- Oh!
- Come up here, buddy.

You got this.

There was once a land
of godless natives.

They did not know any better

until, one day, the white man arrived.

What is this?

The white man took pity
on these primitives

by teaching them to cultivate the land.

But their kindness
was mistaken for aggression,

and a war began.

What kind of school is this?

- This is what I was taught.
- What?

Eventually, peace was restored,

and we bestowed them with
our nation's highest honor...

naming football teams for them.

Joe, what play is this?

I wasn't in a play!
I don't go to school anymore!

All right, fine.

We got kicked out, okay?

Little argument with the principal.

You've been lying to me

while I was celebrating you
as an amazing father?

Hey, Gloria, this is weird.

You know, I downloaded
your My StepCounter data

onto my computer,

and it's showing your path this morning

was the same route
my mom took in her race.

Hmm?

I was never going to get
100,000 steps.

But then I learned that Claire
was going on a Turkey Trot.

The second time I hugged her,
it was a little harder

because she was really wet.

So I'm basically just
your StepCounter mule?

I thought you cared about my race.

I love you very much, Claire,

but your exercise
doesn't really interest me.

Hang on. When did Claire
run past Pritchett's Closets?

'Cause this thing says
she never got near it.

Well, it's probably
the StepCounter made a mistake.

Oh, yeah, did it? Or... Or...
Or did you take a little shortcut?

No, I was probably going so fast
it couldn't even keep up with me.

I have a picture of it. Luke?

And there you go.

That is me clearly running
in front of Pritchett's Closets.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
With a Reagan/Bush poster

in the window, huh? The photo is a fake.

It's not my fault. Manny made it.

Manny was Photoshopping everything?

So Joe was in real danger?

I did not realize how easy it would be
for you to connect those dots.

Pretty disappointed in you, Luke.

Well, you know, it's easy to
see where he learned it from.

His mother's a cheater!

What?! Oh, don't get
so hot and bothered.

Your makeup's already running,
and what do...

Do you have a Chinese character
on your bruise?

Yeah, it's probably an imprint
from the intruder's ring.

He was... I'm sure he was
in a gang of some sort.

Just give it up, Mitchell.

He knocked himself out
with some nunchucks

that I confiscated
as acting vice principal.

Oh, my God! Kung Sue is back.
Daddy, did you hear that?

Well, Cam... Cam didn't
really win the football game.

Uh-huh. He stole the last play
from the lady coach!

Accidentally! I overheard it
on a walkie-talkie

that I require
as an acting vice principal,

which is a position I'm pretty proud of

because I'm basically a sheriff.

- You're not basically... No.
- Yes, I am basically a sheriff!

I wear a hat!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Dad is doing his trick,
and he's never done it before.

He could die.

- Come on!
- What trick?

Oh, Phil. Honey, wait!

- You don't have to do this.
- Yes, I do!

I'm the only loser in
a remarkable family of winners.

No, no, no!

We are not all winners!

It turned out we all stink!

It doesn't matter! I don't want
to live a life ruled by fear!

I have to do this trick today.

Although, it is getting hard to breathe!

Don't stop, Dad! You can do this!
I believe in you!

- That's not helping, honey!
- Very interesting.

Okay, I'm just gonna try
to barrel through this.

It's Normandy. I'm an American
G.I. named Tony Ranzetti.

I'm from Brooklyn, and I love
my mama's home cooking!

But I don't think
I'm gonna be able to get out!

Is he talking
as Tony Ranzetti or as Phil?

What is wrong with you cowards?!
Phil needs help!

Kung Sue's back at it.

- Hey! Hey!
- Oh, God!

- Ohh!
- Ah!

- It's too late to get out!
-No!

This was a mistake!!

Something's wrong. Dad?

Oh, God. Phil! Phil!

- Oh, my God!
- What... What...

Holy crap, where'd he go?!

Private Ranzetti reporting
Operation Overlord is a success.

- Oh!
- Wow!

Cocktails are on me.

- That was amazing!
- Gotta hand it to you, Phil.

You get the big turkey leg.

Let's take this party to the table!

Come on, hippies.

Cam, it's late.

Cam, I have work early in the morning.

Cameron! I cannot sleep!

Well, you should have thought about that
before you challenged me

that I couldn't do
100,000 steps in a day.

Well, how close are you?

- 125.
- Okay, fine.

Wait. 125 left?

- Nope.
- Oh, my God.

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