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1
00:00:03,148 --> 00:00:05,391
Speaking Italian...
2
00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:08,687
Speaking Italian...
3
00:00:18,828 --> 00:00:20,570
We're taking
a four-week bicycle trip
4
00:00:20,648 --> 00:00:21,968
through the vineyards
of Italy!
5
00:00:22,062 --> 00:00:24,140
We figure that this summer,
our whole lives
6
00:00:24,195 --> 00:00:25,445
are gonna be
turned upside-down
7
00:00:25,531 --> 00:00:28,804
when Haley, Dylan, and
their twins move in with us,
8
00:00:28,882 --> 00:00:31,898
so why not splurge
on a grandbaby-moon?
9
00:00:32,055 --> 00:00:33,618
So we've been hitting
the language tapes,
10
00:00:33,695 --> 00:00:35,533
the, uh...
The stationary bikes,
11
00:00:35,645 --> 00:00:38,336
and a couple of times a day,
I wolfishly whistle at Claire
12
00:00:38,414 --> 00:00:40,812
to prepare her for
that timeless Roman charm.
13
00:00:41,570 --> 00:00:44,255
I can't believe after all
those nights at Fratelli's
14
00:00:44,333 --> 00:00:45,528
talking about
going to Italy,
15
00:00:45,606 --> 00:00:47,101
it's actually
happening.
16
00:00:47,179 --> 00:00:49,312
Ohh, American lady!
17
00:00:49,394 --> 00:00:51,165
Why do you
do this to me?
18
00:00:51,247 --> 00:00:53,600
Don't make me practice
my slap on you again. Mm.
19
00:00:53,682 --> 00:00:54,722
What's that?
20
00:00:54,799 --> 00:00:56,452
Oh, I'm on hold.
I'm booking us
21
00:00:56,534 --> 00:00:58,921
into a converted castle
in Tuscany
22
00:00:58,999 --> 00:01:00,723
for our anniversary.
Does it have a moat?
23
00:01:00,809 --> 00:01:03,348
I've been working on all
of our receipts for taxes.
24
00:01:03,426 --> 00:01:04,555
Looks like we're getting
a refund,
25
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,380
which means that
we can afford to...
26
00:01:06,462 --> 00:01:08,188
To pay the dwarf who will
lower the drawbridge
27
00:01:08,265 --> 00:01:09,736
if we answer
his riddles three?
28
00:01:09,814 --> 00:01:12,086
I'm gonna nip this
in the bud. No moat.
29
00:01:12,168 --> 00:01:14,003
This trip was
such a great idea.
30
00:01:14,171 --> 00:01:16,023
Oh, I know.
Ah. Mwah!
31
00:01:16,140 --> 00:01:18,343
- Things are gonna be so hectic
here this summer. - Mm-hmm.
32
00:01:18,421 --> 00:01:19,608
It's weird to think
people will be calling us.
33
00:01:19,653 --> 00:01:21,271
Grandpa and...
No, please don't say it.
34
00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:23,597
Don't say that word.
It makes me feel so old.
35
00:01:23,679 --> 00:01:25,763
But I have thought about
what I want them to call me.
36
00:01:26,349 --> 00:01:28,200
- Gammy.
- Gammy.
37
00:01:28,343 --> 00:01:29,716
Well, let's take her
for a spin.
38
00:01:29,794 --> 00:01:31,547
"Hey, everyone,
Gammy's here!"
39
00:01:31,688 --> 00:01:34,298
"Sorry, guys, not today,
Gammy's in a mood."
40
00:01:34,376 --> 00:01:36,362
Yeah, it does.
It works. Mm. Yeah.
41
00:01:36,507 --> 00:01:38,599
- Hey, roomies.
- Hey... "Roomies"?
42
00:01:38,677 --> 00:01:40,999
What is with all the boxes
and the bags?
43
00:01:41,077 --> 00:01:43,484
Well, I know we said we'd
move in when the babies come,
44
00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:45,679
but then we thought about
all the money we'd save.
45
00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:47,687
- Mucho dinero.
- Mm.
46
00:01:47,837 --> 00:01:48,950
- Yes.
- You look mad.
47
00:01:49,028 --> 00:01:50,801
I should've told you.
I was afraid to tell you.
48
00:01:50,887 --> 00:01:52,711
I didn't think that I could
handle the disappointment
49
00:01:52,788 --> 00:01:54,241
if you weren't happy about it.
50
00:01:54,319 --> 00:01:55,717
But you're not unhappy
about it, right?
51
00:01:55,794 --> 00:01:57,562
Right?!
Oh, honey. Oh, honey.
52
00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:00,296
Oh, my gosh, you're the best.
I love you so much.
53
00:02:01,604 --> 00:02:03,950
Wow! What a journey.
54
00:02:04,201 --> 00:02:06,623
What is my life gonna be like
when I'm in the hormonal stage?
55
00:02:06,702 --> 00:02:07,874
Oh, wait, there was
one more thing, um...
56
00:02:07,951 --> 00:02:09,716
Hey, where should I
put these boxes?
57
00:02:09,794 --> 00:02:11,382
My mom surprised us.
We were hoping
58
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:12,701
she could stay
a couple days.
59
00:02:12,818 --> 00:02:15,450
Hello, hello!
60
00:02:15,567 --> 00:02:17,929
Well, it's about time
we officially met,
61
00:02:18,007 --> 00:02:20,773
considering our DNA is
already swirling around
62
00:02:20,851 --> 00:02:23,358
in Haley's womb.
63
00:02:23,609 --> 00:02:24,646
Phil.
64
00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:26,315
- Oh, hey.
- Mwah.
65
00:02:26,393 --> 00:02:27,411
- Claire.
- Oh, hi.
66
00:02:28,328 --> 00:02:29,966
I'm Farrah.
Hi, Farrah.
67
00:02:30,072 --> 00:02:32,608
- You look so familiar.
- Well, I meet a lot of people
68
00:02:32,671 --> 00:02:34,520
with my work in
the protest movement.
69
00:02:34,648 --> 00:02:37,476
Oh, did you participate in
the Ivory is Murder Fun Run?
70
00:02:37,554 --> 00:02:40,163
- Not that I recall.
- Sweetheart, why don't you show Farrah
71
00:02:40,218 --> 00:02:41,994
- where she will be sleeping.
- Oh, no,
72
00:02:42,072 --> 00:02:43,807
I just need
two weight-bearing hooks
73
00:02:43,889 --> 00:02:45,324
spaced seven feet apart.
74
00:02:45,402 --> 00:02:47,140
This kimono converts
to a hammock.
75
00:02:47,218 --> 00:02:48,288
Ah.
76
00:02:48,366 --> 00:02:50,354
- Pronto!
- Italy!
77
00:02:50,481 --> 00:02:51,484
- They answered! Where's the phone?
- Oh! Oh, no, no, no.
78
00:02:51,561 --> 00:02:52,688
- Where's the phone?
- I got it, right here.
79
00:02:52,765 --> 00:02:54,554
- You got it? Get it.
- Yeah. Oh!
80
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,413
Oh! Oh, buddy,
I'm so sorry.
81
00:02:56,491 --> 00:02:57,610
- Let me get you some ice.
- Damn it!
82
00:02:57,687 --> 00:02:59,874
No, no, don't worry.
I brought magnets.
83
00:03:01,164 --> 00:03:02,852
Is that the way she treats
all head injuries?
84
00:03:02,929 --> 00:03:04,197
Because I've got
a theory.
85
00:03:09,107 --> 00:03:11,212
Captions by VITAC...
86
00:03:11,419 --> 00:03:13,091
Sync corrections by srjanapala
87
00:03:13,366 --> 00:03:14,609
*MODERN FAMILY*
Season 10 Episode 12
88
00:03:14,687 --> 00:03:16,227
Episode Title :
"Blast From The Past".
89
00:03:18,940 --> 00:03:21,651
I want to give these old toys
to Haley's babies.
90
00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:24,356
Oh, Joe,
that's so sweet!
91
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:27,527
Now I have room in the closet
for my lizard.
92
00:03:27,609 --> 00:03:29,675
Lizard? I thought
that you were just
93
00:03:29,753 --> 00:03:31,401
going to the pet shop
to look.
94
00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:33,167
I can't say no
to that face.
95
00:03:33,245 --> 00:03:35,401
You're gonna have to be
bad cop 'til puberty,
96
00:03:35,479 --> 00:03:37,049
you know, when
the Pritchett Adam's apple
97
00:03:37,127 --> 00:03:38,503
and fuzz-stache
show up.
98
00:03:38,613 --> 00:03:41,950
Manny, you should also
give something for the twins.
99
00:03:42,032 --> 00:03:43,870
You both
are gonna be uncles.
100
00:03:43,952 --> 00:03:46,740
That's a very proud tradition
in our family.
101
00:03:46,822 --> 00:03:49,675
That's right, Joe.
Our great-great Uncle Alvaro
102
00:03:49,757 --> 00:03:51,722
was a famous South American
freedom fighter.
103
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,728
You're kidding?
My Great Uncle Erasmus
104
00:03:53,810 --> 00:03:55,114
was a hero
at the Alamo.
105
00:03:55,196 --> 00:03:57,104
We're four sentences away
from realizing
106
00:03:57,182 --> 00:03:58,573
they killed
each other, right?
107
00:03:58,768 --> 00:04:00,619
Joe, next week,
you have to go
108
00:04:00,697 --> 00:04:01,954
to school dressed
as a hero.
109
00:04:02,052 --> 00:04:04,105
Why don't you dress
as Uncle Alvaro?
110
00:04:04,187 --> 00:04:05,721
Or Uncle Erasmus.
111
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:07,494
Ay, Jay, that's cute,
112
00:04:07,652 --> 00:04:10,573
but Alvaro was not
only a war hero.
113
00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:13,025
He was
a celebrated matador,
114
00:04:13,151 --> 00:04:15,638
Frida Kahlo's
tango instructor,
115
00:04:15,783 --> 00:04:18,153
two-time winner
of the Bogota Herald
116
00:04:18,235 --> 00:04:20,955
cartoon caption contest.
117
00:04:21,033 --> 00:04:23,244
No disrespect, but I don't
think he was fit to shine.
118
00:04:23,322 --> 00:04:25,193
Erasmus J. Pritchett's
boots,
119
00:04:25,293 --> 00:04:29,264
which, incidentally, were made
by a 9-foot Texas diamondback
120
00:04:29,346 --> 00:04:32,900
he stomped to death while
arm-wrestling Davy Crockett.
121
00:04:32,978 --> 00:04:34,716
Did he kill
all his clothes?
122
00:04:34,836 --> 00:04:36,885
He sure did. Come upstairs.
I'll show you.
123
00:04:36,979 --> 00:04:39,197
I got a ring of his
with a tooth in it
124
00:04:39,275 --> 00:04:41,119
he punched
out of a puma.
125
00:04:42,133 --> 00:04:43,401
Jay does this
all the time.
126
00:04:43,479 --> 00:04:45,818
He disrespects our heritage
and inflates his own.
127
00:04:45,896 --> 00:04:48,365
I mean, I'm not buying
this Uncle Erasmus guy at all.
128
00:04:48,565 --> 00:04:49,885
I say we do
a little digging.
129
00:04:49,967 --> 00:04:53,739
Yes! We can be like
Inspector Tortuga,
130
00:04:53,821 --> 00:04:55,957
the turtle detective
in Uncle Alvaro's
131
00:04:56,039 --> 00:04:57,978
popular
children's book.
132
00:04:58,056 --> 00:05:02,597
He was always very slowly
solving crimes.
133
00:05:02,827 --> 00:05:06,381
Turns out Jay's Uncle Erasmus
did live in Texas in the 1830s,
134
00:05:06,459 --> 00:05:07,833
but not much
was written about him.
135
00:05:14,099 --> 00:05:15,591
Gretchen.
Manuel.
136
00:05:15,669 --> 00:05:16,802
Again,
I'm so sorry abou...
137
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,640
You'll have to return these
within two weeks.
138
00:05:18,842 --> 00:05:20,255
Unlike my phone calls!
139
00:05:21,526 --> 00:05:22,896
Señor.
140
00:05:22,985 --> 00:05:25,655
We had to dig deeper,
and since history
141
00:05:25,733 --> 00:05:27,895
is written
by the victors...
142
00:05:29,951 --> 00:05:31,200
Muchas gracias.
143
00:05:31,278 --> 00:05:32,895
I brought my own.
144
00:05:33,153 --> 00:05:35,351
Mexican sources
had a bit more to say
145
00:05:35,429 --> 00:05:38,357
about his actual involvement
in the Alamo.
146
00:05:41,644 --> 00:05:43,722
Okay.
Oh, really?
147
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:46,240
You want to give away
the very first Gucci hoodie
148
00:05:46,318 --> 00:05:48,632
- I ever bought our daughter?
- Okay, "first Gucci"
149
00:05:48,710 --> 00:05:50,974
is why our retirement planner
fired us as clients.
150
00:05:51,021 --> 00:05:53,226
Also, Haley and Dylan
are having twins, okay?
151
00:05:53,310 --> 00:05:54,647
They really need this stuff.
I know.
152
00:05:54,724 --> 00:05:56,813
I-I-I still can't believe
she's pregnant.
153
00:05:56,891 --> 00:05:59,022
Although... I know you're
about to say something catty.
154
00:05:59,099 --> 00:05:59,974
You're practically
purring.
155
00:06:00,052 --> 00:06:02,880
Wasn't Claire a bit "fun"
in her 20s?
156
00:06:02,958 --> 00:06:04,374
You know, we have
a saying back home...
157
00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:07,055
"The crawdad don't skitter
far from its crick."
158
00:06:07,133 --> 00:06:08,796
Okay, you're clutching
a Dolce & Gabbana onesie...
159
00:06:08,873 --> 00:06:09,841
Decide who you are.
160
00:06:09,919 --> 00:06:11,714
And, by the way,
it's not like your family
161
00:06:11,792 --> 00:06:13,661
doesn't have a wayward
streak, okay?
162
00:06:13,739 --> 00:06:15,411
Pam's not exactly
responsible.
163
00:06:15,489 --> 00:06:17,560
Oh, I'm sorry.
Could an irresponsible woman
164
00:06:17,607 --> 00:06:19,638
win her prison's "Most Improved
Wrestler" award?
165
00:06:19,716 --> 00:06:20,809
Okay, let's just admit
166
00:06:20,925 --> 00:06:23,128
we have wild women on both
sides of the family.
167
00:06:23,206 --> 00:06:25,348
Oh, God.
Maybe it's good
168
00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:27,075
Lily wasn't saddled
with those genes.
169
00:06:27,153 --> 00:06:28,264
She sure wasn't.
If anything,
170
00:06:28,341 --> 00:06:30,755
I'm worried she acts a little
young for her age.
171
00:06:30,833 --> 00:06:33,310
I mean, isn't 11
a little too old
172
00:06:33,388 --> 00:06:35,641
for these unicorns and
teddy bears and...
173
00:06:35,719 --> 00:06:38,001
Oh! My...
Playgirl?
174
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:40,152
Oh! Oh, God.
175
00:06:40,230 --> 00:06:41,291
Where...
Where did she get that?
176
00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:43,672
I didn't even know
they still made these.
177
00:06:43,833 --> 00:06:46,100
Although it's heartening print
media isn't completely dead.
178
00:06:46,177 --> 00:06:47,111
Okay, you're
getting off track.
179
00:06:47,189 --> 00:06:49,396
Our daughter is looking
at naked men.
180
00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:51,045
I know. We're gonna have
to talk to her about it.
181
00:06:51,122 --> 00:06:53,177
You know, my parents
never talked to me
182
00:06:53,263 --> 00:06:54,357
about anything sexual.
183
00:06:54,435 --> 00:06:55,904
They just sent me
to the stables
184
00:06:55,986 --> 00:06:57,466
when the horses
were breeding,
185
00:06:57,552 --> 00:07:00,614
and wow, did that create some
unreasonable expectations.
186
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:06,238
No way!
Who told her that?
187
00:07:06,314 --> 00:07:08,330
She... Uh-oh.
188
00:07:08,405 --> 00:07:10,983
The dads have their faces on.
See you at the sleepover.
189
00:07:11,059 --> 00:07:12,466
- Hey!
- Hey!
190
00:07:12,542 --> 00:07:14,580
So, listen, we need to talk
to you about something.
191
00:07:14,656 --> 00:07:15,651
We, uh...
We found a...
192
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:17,173
- A magazine in your room.
- Whoa!
193
00:07:17,249 --> 00:07:19,475
There's nothing
to be embarrassed about.
194
00:07:19,551 --> 00:07:21,529
Oh, God, no, not at all.
You're... You're going through
195
00:07:21,606 --> 00:07:23,380
a very exciting period
of... of change
196
00:07:23,458 --> 00:07:26,114
- and... and hormones. And And...
- And, um, urges.
197
00:07:26,192 --> 00:07:27,262
Got it.
Solid parenting.
198
00:07:27,332 --> 00:07:28,343
- See you tomorrow.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
199
00:07:28,418 --> 00:07:29,480
No, no, no.
Sweetheart. Come on.
200
00:07:29,555 --> 00:07:31,090
I-I-I know this is
uncomfortable, but...
201
00:07:31,166 --> 00:07:33,204
You shouldn't be ashamed
about wondering
202
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:34,578
or being curious
about sex.
203
00:07:34,679 --> 00:07:36,598
You know,
the mingling of bodies
204
00:07:36,694 --> 00:07:38,982
can be a beautiful
expression of love.
205
00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:41,293
Stop! They have classes about
this in school,
206
00:07:41,369 --> 00:07:43,059
and if you don't want me looking
at magazines like that,
207
00:07:43,134 --> 00:07:44,670
don't leave them
on the sofa!
208
00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:46,773
The sofa? How did...
209
00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:48,167
- How did it get on the sofa?
- I don't know.
210
00:07:48,244 --> 00:07:49,936
I don't...
Ah, the babysitter.
211
00:07:50,016 --> 00:07:52,243
Or, you know, Haley,
or... or Pam, or Claire.
212
00:07:52,331 --> 00:07:54,571
We were just talking about
how perverted they are.
213
00:07:54,649 --> 00:07:57,768
Wait a minute.
This is from 1997.
214
00:07:58,219 --> 00:08:00,724
And David Duchovny's
on the cover.
215
00:08:00,887 --> 00:08:03,768
Didn't you have a thing
for David Duchovny?
216
00:08:03,844 --> 00:08:06,420
Why... Wha... I don't even
know who that is.
217
00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:09,240
He was on the... you know,
the cheesy sci-fi show,
218
00:08:09,316 --> 00:08:12,114
the, uh... What was it?
"The X-Files" or something?
219
00:08:12,190 --> 00:08:14,407
You know, kind of
a dumbed-down "Men in Black"?
220
00:08:14,525 --> 00:08:15,869
They had that saying,
you know?
221
00:08:15,947 --> 00:08:17,972
Saying was, "The truth is...
up there"?
222
00:08:18,048 --> 00:08:19,867
You know damn well it's
"The truth is out there"!
223
00:08:19,942 --> 00:08:21,288
Don't...
Don't you crinkle it.
224
00:08:21,364 --> 00:08:23,607
Why do you have
a 20-year-old nudie mag?
225
00:08:23,697 --> 00:08:25,347
Agent Mulder meant
a lot to me, okay?
226
00:08:25,423 --> 00:08:27,179
He was brooding
and handsome
227
00:08:27,255 --> 00:08:29,688
and obsessed with an uptight
yet sexy redhead.
228
00:08:29,764 --> 00:08:31,492
Yeah, well, guess what.
You wouldn't have had a chance
229
00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:32,830
with David Duchovny
because, look.
230
00:08:32,905 --> 00:08:34,190
One of his turn-offs
231
00:08:34,266 --> 00:08:36,052
is "dishonest people."
232
00:08:36,252 --> 00:08:38,516
And why is it just lying
around the house?
233
00:08:38,592 --> 00:08:39,967
I was bringing
the trash bins
234
00:08:40,043 --> 00:08:41,299
into the garage
the other day,
235
00:08:41,375 --> 00:08:43,368
and I noticed an old box
of my stuff.
236
00:08:43,450 --> 00:08:45,716
I got nostalgic, and I decided
to flip through it.
237
00:08:45,798 --> 00:08:47,977
Wait, garbage day? L-Last Wednesday?
Yeah.
238
00:08:48,053 --> 00:08:50,029
The day we opened
the bottle of Merlot,
239
00:08:50,105 --> 00:08:51,017
took it back to the bedroom,
240
00:08:51,092 --> 00:08:52,896
and had a rather spectacular...
session?
241
00:08:52,972 --> 00:08:54,923
- Uh, was it that night?
- Oh, please,
242
00:08:54,999 --> 00:08:56,928
it was the first time in years
I'd seen your eyes
243
00:08:57,004 --> 00:08:58,196
roll back in your head
without irony.
244
00:08:58,228 --> 00:09:00,019
Well, excuse me if I am
attracted to you.
245
00:09:00,094 --> 00:09:02,075
Except it wasn't
just me, was it?
246
00:09:02,169 --> 00:09:03,566
There were three of us
in that bed.
247
00:09:03,642 --> 00:09:05,652
I sent you a dozen roses
the next day.
248
00:09:05,728 --> 00:09:08,280
Apparently, I should've sent six
to David Duchovny.
249
00:09:08,355 --> 00:09:09,755
Oh, come on!
250
00:09:09,831 --> 00:09:11,595
So what?
I got a little extra worked up
251
00:09:11,671 --> 00:09:13,010
after looking
at a sexy picture.
252
00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:14,322
People do it
all the time.
253
00:09:14,397 --> 00:09:16,985
Pepper said it's the only reason
he buys Brawny paper towels.
254
00:09:17,061 --> 00:09:19,475
So, I guess I'm weird for
wanting to purely connect
255
00:09:19,551 --> 00:09:21,784
with you on
an emotional level.
256
00:09:22,049 --> 00:09:23,684
Know what?
I'm going to the gym.
257
00:09:23,785 --> 00:09:25,444
And good news,
David Duchovny.
258
00:09:25,539 --> 00:09:27,615
You're not gonna be alone
on the sofa tonight.
259
00:09:31,583 --> 00:09:33,302
Can you please
hand me my iPod?
260
00:09:33,378 --> 00:09:34,680
You've robbed me
of my dignity.
261
00:09:34,756 --> 00:09:37,203
You will not also rob me
of my glorious exit.
262
00:09:37,334 --> 00:09:38,420
Thank you!
263
00:09:40,126 --> 00:09:41,327
There you go, buddy.
264
00:09:41,403 --> 00:09:43,257
Now you look
like a real hero.
265
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:45,867
I don't think I'm allowed
to bring a knife to school.
266
00:09:45,942 --> 00:09:47,129
It's not
sharp at all.
267
00:09:47,205 --> 00:09:49,123
And neither,
apparently, are you.
268
00:09:49,199 --> 00:09:50,535
I told you if we waited
a few minutes
269
00:09:50,610 --> 00:09:51,895
he'd give us
a delicious segue.
270
00:09:51,971 --> 00:09:54,034
Your uncle
Erasmus Pritchett
271
00:09:54,110 --> 00:09:56,094
was a hero
at the Alamo...
272
00:09:56,318 --> 00:09:57,540
but for
the other side.
273
00:09:57,616 --> 00:09:59,463
Yeah, he hid in a closet
during the fighting,
274
00:09:59,539 --> 00:10:01,019
then stole a dress
and escaped
275
00:10:01,095 --> 00:10:02,375
by pretending to be
a prostitute.
276
00:10:02,451 --> 00:10:03,904
What?!
I don't believe you.
277
00:10:03,980 --> 00:10:06,025
These are official
church documents.
278
00:10:06,101 --> 00:10:09,614
In this part, it says that
he traded military secrets
279
00:10:09,690 --> 00:10:11,316
for rum
and a new corset.
280
00:10:11,450 --> 00:10:13,943
"To this day, in Nuevo Laredo,
'to Erasmus'
281
00:10:14,019 --> 00:10:16,122
means 'to cry facedown
on the ground.'"
282
00:10:16,235 --> 00:10:18,799
There's a picture
of him cringing.
283
00:10:19,904 --> 00:10:22,738
I can't believe I named
my lizard Erasmus.
284
00:10:22,862 --> 00:10:24,487
It was wartime, Joe!
285
00:10:24,562 --> 00:10:27,537
We can't judge a man who has
lived through that kind of hell.
286
00:10:27,613 --> 00:10:28,866
He spent
his post-war years
287
00:10:28,942 --> 00:10:30,950
spreading the gospel
of vegetarianism.
288
00:10:31,159 --> 00:10:32,671
I have no uncle.
289
00:10:35,223 --> 00:10:37,504
Oh.
This homeopathic remedy
290
00:10:37,580 --> 00:10:39,823
is really gonna help Haley
with morning sickness.
291
00:10:39,899 --> 00:10:41,610
Uh-huh. I got the
recipe from a doula
292
00:10:41,686 --> 00:10:42,986
I met in an Uber pool.
293
00:10:43,062 --> 00:10:44,257
Well, you were right
about one thing.
294
00:10:44,332 --> 00:10:45,746
It does...
It does smell like
295
00:10:45,822 --> 00:10:47,693
a buffalo that was
struck by lightning.
296
00:10:47,835 --> 00:10:49,867
When... When are you heading
back up to Oregon?
297
00:10:49,943 --> 00:10:51,495
Oh, I'm done
with that place.
298
00:10:51,632 --> 00:10:53,000
Oldest story in the world.
299
00:10:53,076 --> 00:10:55,433
You know, I thought I found
a nice guy, then one morning,
300
00:10:55,509 --> 00:10:57,197
he up and tells me
he's found six new women.
301
00:10:57,273 --> 00:10:59,524
- Mm.
- I'm done with Bhagwans.
302
00:10:59,832 --> 00:11:01,851
Coming back
as Dylan's mother?
303
00:11:01,938 --> 00:11:03,363
Not funny, Mom.
304
00:11:03,547 --> 00:11:05,187
Not funny at all!
305
00:11:05,934 --> 00:11:08,169
Buddy, are you sure
you're okay?
306
00:11:08,245 --> 00:11:09,432
Trust me,
I'm a nurse.
307
00:11:09,508 --> 00:11:12,116
By now there'd be clear signs
if I had a concursion.
308
00:11:15,923 --> 00:11:17,599
Gosh, your mom
looks familiar.
309
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,287
She used to do
a little modeling.
310
00:11:19,363 --> 00:11:20,824
Recently, she had
her likeness stolen
311
00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:23,342
for one of those
"Freeze-the-Fat" billboards.
312
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,658
Dylan's Mom was the hot chick
313
00:11:29,736 --> 00:11:31,948
in the "Sex Kitty" music video.
314
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:34,459
♪ Sex kitty ♪
315
00:11:34,542 --> 00:11:37,110
♪ Sexy kitty ♪
316
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,131
♪ Sex kitty ♪
317
00:11:39,207 --> 00:11:40,503
♪ Se... ♪
318
00:11:40,758 --> 00:11:42,090
The songwriting isn't perfect,
319
00:11:42,165 --> 00:11:45,354
but this video
changed everything.
320
00:11:45,818 --> 00:11:47,430
♪ Ow! ♪
321
00:11:47,506 --> 00:11:49,798
♪ Sex kitty, se... ♪
322
00:11:50,173 --> 00:11:52,342
Those bikes don't
live there, do they?
323
00:11:52,418 --> 00:11:54,658
'Cause that is an ideal
north-facing spot
324
00:11:54,734 --> 00:11:55,968
for a birthing tub.
325
00:11:56,044 --> 00:11:57,573
I wasn't aware
that Haley
326
00:11:57,649 --> 00:11:59,155
was considering
a home birth.
327
00:11:59,231 --> 00:12:01,618
Oh, I wasn't, but then Farrah
really opened up my eyes
328
00:12:01,694 --> 00:12:03,587
to the birth-industrial
complex.
329
00:12:03,768 --> 00:12:05,522
You know, this room
is kind of vibrating
330
00:12:05,598 --> 00:12:07,142
with ancient wounds.
331
00:12:07,218 --> 00:12:09,234
- Let's sage the area.
- Okay.
332
00:12:09,310 --> 00:12:11,512
Dylan, honey, do you think
you could grab that fan
333
00:12:11,588 --> 00:12:13,425
and maybe de-funk
the kitchen a little?
334
00:12:13,526 --> 00:12:15,031
Oh, my God.
335
00:12:15,382 --> 00:12:18,649
Is, uh... Is Dylan's mom
at all familiar to you?
336
00:12:18,727 --> 00:12:21,366
Yes! Thank God
you noticed it, too.
337
00:12:21,507 --> 00:12:23,981
I can't believe that is gonna be
in our life on a regular basis.
338
00:12:24,057 --> 00:12:26,156
I know. She's been driving me
kind of crazy
339
00:12:26,232 --> 00:12:27,289
since I was a kid.
340
00:12:27,365 --> 00:12:28,985
Do you know how many nights
I went to bed
341
00:12:29,060 --> 00:12:31,240
screaming her name
into a pillow?
342
00:12:31,411 --> 00:12:32,580
Go on.
343
00:12:33,556 --> 00:12:36,016
- She broke it!
- No, you broke it!
344
00:12:36,094 --> 00:12:38,501
Girls, it's fine!
Also, who are you?
345
00:12:38,579 --> 00:12:40,369
Oh, I get my stepdaughters
once a month
346
00:12:40,447 --> 00:12:42,759
when my ex-wife's on rotation
with the National Guard.
347
00:12:42,835 --> 00:12:45,253
Mm. Girls, be careful with
the chinchilla, okay?
348
00:12:45,329 --> 00:12:46,614
You know he has
a nervous bowel.
349
00:12:46,690 --> 00:12:49,017
- Hi, girls!
- Gammy!
350
00:12:49,253 --> 00:12:50,439
Gammy?
351
00:12:50,527 --> 00:12:51,605
The girls
call you Gammy?
352
00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:52,934
That's funny,
because I was hoping
353
00:12:53,009 --> 00:12:54,715
when Haley's twins
came along,
354
00:12:54,791 --> 00:12:56,063
they might
call me that.
355
00:12:56,139 --> 00:12:58,139
Oh, well,
that might be confusing.
356
00:12:58,215 --> 00:13:00,141
- But maybe you could be something else.
- Hm.
357
00:13:00,219 --> 00:13:02,141
How about "Gaga"?
Maybe we don't have to lock
358
00:13:02,219 --> 00:13:03,308
anything down right now.
359
00:13:03,386 --> 00:13:05,561
Oh, my God.
I love it!
360
00:13:05,637 --> 00:13:07,462
Hey, Gaga!
361
00:13:07,538 --> 00:13:09,881
- Squeaker's loose! Get him!
- Aah!
362
00:13:11,811 --> 00:13:12,979
I'll get him!
363
00:13:17,534 --> 00:13:18,947
- Do you see it, Phil?
- What?!
364
00:13:19,025 --> 00:13:20,423
No, I didn't
see anything, so...
365
00:13:20,499 --> 00:13:21,532
- Aah!
- Oh!
366
00:13:21,607 --> 00:13:24,180
- Ooh!
- I'm so sorry, D!
367
00:13:24,258 --> 00:13:25,282
If you weren't
my hero,
368
00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,103
I'd wonder if you're
doing this on purpose!
369
00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:28,418
Oh, my God, Dad!
370
00:13:28,496 --> 00:13:30,221
What's wrong
with him, Mom?
371
00:13:30,408 --> 00:13:32,104
- Mom?
- Claire?
372
00:13:32,486 --> 00:13:33,733
Gaga?
373
00:13:38,329 --> 00:13:40,352
Hey, handsome,
this seat taken?
374
00:13:40,430 --> 00:13:41,564
Hey, what are you
doing here?
375
00:13:41,642 --> 00:13:43,247
Well, I brought you
a smoothie, although,
376
00:13:43,437 --> 00:13:44,697
you don't need it
because you're already
377
00:13:44,774 --> 00:13:47,657
100% fruity
deliciousness.
378
00:13:47,735 --> 00:13:48,775
Maybe I just
get right to it.
379
00:13:48,852 --> 00:13:50,564
Look, Mitchell, I appreciate.
380
00:13:50,642 --> 00:13:52,088
- No, no, listen.
- What you're doing...
381
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,337
Lily's at
a sleepover tonight,
382
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:55,219
so I got us a suite
383
00:13:55,267 --> 00:13:57,106
at Whispers Resort
and Spa.
384
00:13:57,514 --> 00:13:59,391
Isn't that the place, uh,
Jen Aniston goes to
385
00:13:59,469 --> 00:14:00,744
- after her divorces?
- Yes.
386
00:14:00,822 --> 00:14:03,180
And I'm sorry about
the silly Playgirl thing.
387
00:14:03,258 --> 00:14:05,454
I-I want you to feel
what I feel every day.
388
00:14:05,532 --> 00:14:07,899
That you only
have eyes for me.
389
00:14:09,578 --> 00:14:12,423
Call me old-fashioned.
I just don't see other men.
390
00:14:13,517 --> 00:14:15,384
Sweetie, your... your heart
rate's setting off an alarm.
391
00:14:15,461 --> 00:14:16,627
Why... Why don't you
get off that bike?
392
00:14:16,704 --> 00:14:18,111
Yeah, that's a good idea.
You know what?
393
00:14:18,188 --> 00:14:19,689
Why don't we go to the spa, see
if we can get an early treatment?
394
00:14:19,766 --> 00:14:20,719
I love that.
395
00:14:20,797 --> 00:14:22,508
Oh, smoothie.
396
00:14:23,097 --> 00:14:24,390
Okay.
397
00:14:24,570 --> 00:14:26,625
Hey, you're...
You're really sweating.
398
00:14:26,722 --> 00:14:28,116
You should get a towel.
399
00:14:30,691 --> 00:14:32,063
Okay, you're
acting weird.
400
00:14:32,148 --> 00:14:34,484
- What's going on?
- Okay, look, I just...
401
00:14:34,837 --> 00:14:37,407
Um, I'm excited
about that hotel.
402
00:14:37,485 --> 00:14:39,355
I mean, there's a lot of
Hollywood history there.
403
00:14:39,432 --> 00:14:41,587
You know, they say
the Little Rascals
404
00:14:41,665 --> 00:14:42,852
used to have
orgies there.
405
00:14:42,930 --> 00:14:43,985
Ah.
406
00:14:44,395 --> 00:14:45,547
Hey, Cam!
407
00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:48,641
I almost forgot the homemade
protein bars you brought for us!
408
00:14:48,719 --> 00:14:49,731
Well, I'll see you
next time!
409
00:14:49,808 --> 00:14:51,266
Yeah!
Who is that?
410
00:14:51,344 --> 00:14:53,953
Wow, that's
an interesting view.
411
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:55,657
What?
It's a parking lot.
412
00:14:55,735 --> 00:14:57,181
- There's a Dumpster.
- Oh, please. Come on.
413
00:14:57,258 --> 00:14:58,916
You picked this bike so you
could have a front-row seat
414
00:14:58,993 --> 00:15:00,517
to this little
peep sho...
415
00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:02,173
Oh!
Oh, my God.
416
00:15:02,251 --> 00:15:04,087
That night of
our "spectacular session,"
417
00:15:04,165 --> 00:15:05,562
you had just
come from the gym.
418
00:15:05,683 --> 00:15:08,517
Well, I-I wonder what got
your engine so revved up, huh?
419
00:15:08,595 --> 00:15:10,564
The truth is out there!
420
00:15:10,642 --> 00:15:11,665
Okay, you know what?
421
00:15:11,743 --> 00:15:13,553
- I'm weak, okay?
- I can't believe
422
00:15:13,631 --> 00:15:14,774
you shamed me
423
00:15:14,852 --> 00:15:15,844
for looking
at a magazine
424
00:15:15,922 --> 00:15:17,673
when you've been
baking protein bars
425
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,962
for Thunder from Down Under!
Maybe that's why.
426
00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:21,868
It's because I-I felt
guilty about this.
427
00:15:21,946 --> 00:15:23,485
Well, don't, okay?
428
00:15:23,603 --> 00:15:25,524
We are allowed
to look at other men
429
00:15:25,602 --> 00:15:27,946
without feeling
guilty about it.
430
00:15:30,293 --> 00:15:33,145
And... And if it inspires you,
then go for it,
431
00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:34,514
because at
the end of the day,
432
00:15:34,592 --> 00:15:37,092
I'm the one who gets
to reap the rewards.
433
00:15:38,006 --> 00:15:38,993
That's true. Okay.
434
00:15:39,071 --> 00:15:41,094
Look, I'm sorry.
Let's just get out of here.
435
00:15:41,172 --> 00:15:42,641
Oh, now? Okay.
436
00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:44,428
Oh.
437
00:15:44,506 --> 00:15:45,743
Maybe I should
join this gym.
438
00:15:45,821 --> 00:15:47,118
No, stick to
your vintage nudie mags.
439
00:15:47,195 --> 00:15:48,465
This is mine.
440
00:15:48,876 --> 00:15:50,024
- What's his name?
- Chuck.
441
00:15:50,102 --> 00:15:51,318
Oh, Chuck.
442
00:15:52,136 --> 00:15:54,001
Oh, Joe,
so adorable,
443
00:15:54,079 --> 00:15:56,368
you look like
a little Uncle Alvaro!
444
00:15:56,446 --> 00:15:58,514
One last touch...
The pocket watch,
445
00:15:58,592 --> 00:16:00,009
permanently
broken at 3:30
446
00:16:00,087 --> 00:16:02,249
after it stopped a bullet shot
by a very drunk
447
00:16:02,327 --> 00:16:03,980
and jealous
Florence Nightingale.
448
00:16:04,165 --> 00:16:05,673
Maybe it was sour grapes,
449
00:16:05,751 --> 00:16:08,636
but this guy was starting
to sound like baloney.
450
00:16:08,879 --> 00:16:11,602
I was sure that if I left
no stone unturned,
451
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,551
eventually, one day,
452
00:16:13,660 --> 00:16:16,677
I'd find some dirt
on Great Uncle Alvaro.
453
00:16:16,755 --> 00:16:18,106
I knew it!
454
00:16:18,184 --> 00:16:22,563
Simón Francisco Alvaro
would go from town to town,
455
00:16:22,641 --> 00:16:24,345
seducing wealthy widows
456
00:16:24,438 --> 00:16:27,523
with made-up stories
of his bravery in battle.
457
00:16:27,634 --> 00:16:31,101
After frittering away their
fortunes on drink and dice,
458
00:16:31,179 --> 00:16:34,593
he would move on,
leaving his victims with nothing
459
00:16:34,673 --> 00:16:36,812
but a single red rose...
460
00:16:36,930 --> 00:16:38,219
And syphilis.
461
00:16:38,297 --> 00:16:40,422
Who's up for
a little history lesson?
462
00:16:40,597 --> 00:16:42,398
- It seems...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
463
00:16:42,476 --> 00:16:43,554
Do it again.
464
00:16:44,039 --> 00:16:46,806
The yoke
of Spanish oppression
465
00:16:46,947 --> 00:16:50,179
will chafe Colombian
shoulders no longer!
466
00:16:50,257 --> 00:16:53,328
My saber thirsts
for European blood!
467
00:16:53,406 --> 00:16:55,383
So cute!
Bravo!
468
00:16:55,679 --> 00:16:58,781
He looked it up
and memorized it himself.
469
00:16:58,859 --> 00:17:00,812
Hey, Dad.
You know how kids tease me
470
00:17:00,890 --> 00:17:02,687
'cause I'm the shortest kid
in the class?
471
00:17:02,765 --> 00:17:04,172
Oh, don't listen
to what they say!
472
00:17:04,250 --> 00:17:07,953
Right! Uncle Alvaro was
only five feet tall
473
00:17:08,031 --> 00:17:09,781
and he led
a whole army!
474
00:17:09,828 --> 00:17:12,086
I'm gonna be brave
like him.
475
00:17:13,476 --> 00:17:16,537
Viva Uncle Alvaro.
476
00:17:16,699 --> 00:17:19,789
I enjoyed a lot of years
taking pride in my great uncle.
477
00:17:19,867 --> 00:17:21,836
I didn't want
to rob Joe of that.
478
00:17:22,035 --> 00:17:23,937
It wasn't easy
biting my tongue,
479
00:17:24,136 --> 00:17:26,990
but I took a page from
another heroic relative...
480
00:17:27,081 --> 00:17:28,725
Lulach McPritchett...
481
00:17:28,864 --> 00:17:32,170
Proud Scottish warrior,
captured by the English,
482
00:17:32,248 --> 00:17:35,695
tortured for months
using every method imaginable,
483
00:17:35,773 --> 00:17:38,742
and never once giving up
a single secret.
484
00:17:39,240 --> 00:17:40,825
Don't look him up.
485
00:17:47,341 --> 00:17:50,856
Signora, why so sad?
486
00:17:50,934 --> 00:17:53,921
Let me see that
big macaroni smile, ah?
487
00:17:54,022 --> 00:17:55,410
How did you
find me?
488
00:17:55,488 --> 00:17:57,390
Antonio called and said
489
00:17:57,468 --> 00:17:59,265
you'd ordered
a flaming Sambuca...
490
00:17:59,343 --> 00:18:01,029
And just
watched it burn.
491
00:18:01,107 --> 00:18:02,490
Mm-hmm.
492
00:18:02,948 --> 00:18:05,223
It's all just
going too fast.
493
00:18:05,406 --> 00:18:06,527
Five months ago,
494
00:18:06,605 --> 00:18:07,951
Haley got back
together with Dylan.
495
00:18:08,028 --> 00:18:10,422
Then my mom dies.
Then Haley's pregnant.
496
00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:12,062
Then it's twins.
497
00:18:12,140 --> 00:18:14,734
Then, "Come move in with us
this summer" turns into.
498
00:18:14,812 --> 00:18:17,328
"Ding-dong, we're here with
an early preview of twins"
499
00:18:17,406 --> 00:18:18,828
and an incontinent
chinchilla,
500
00:18:18,906 --> 00:18:21,586
and, in the most terrifying
return since Freddy Krueger
501
00:18:21,664 --> 00:18:23,718
sashayed his way back
onto Elm Street,
502
00:18:23,796 --> 00:18:27,906
"my mother reincarnated
into the body of Farrah."
503
00:18:28,262 --> 00:18:29,836
Oh...
504
00:18:30,156 --> 00:18:32,297
How... How are you
handling this all so well?
505
00:18:32,382 --> 00:18:33,749
Who says I am?
506
00:18:34,004 --> 00:18:35,164
I had to get
out of there,
507
00:18:35,242 --> 00:18:37,125
or I was gonna make
Haley a single mom.
508
00:18:37,523 --> 00:18:39,378
I hit Dylan again,
Claire.
509
00:18:39,456 --> 00:18:41,805
- But not on purpose.
- Are we sure?
510
00:18:41,883 --> 00:18:44,648
You mean, like, you might
have some buried anger
511
00:18:44,726 --> 00:18:47,078
towards him stealing away
your baby girl?
512
00:18:47,156 --> 00:18:49,601
Oh, I so want it
to be on purpose.
513
00:18:49,706 --> 00:18:52,406
Gets lonely out here
on crazy island.
514
00:18:53,183 --> 00:18:55,140
Oh, well,
515
00:18:55,836 --> 00:18:57,401
we still have Italy.
516
00:18:58,282 --> 00:18:59,461
Do we?
517
00:18:59,583 --> 00:19:01,897
Listen, I've been doing
some research on twins,
518
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:04,342
and it seems that, like
our daughter, they...
519
00:19:04,576 --> 00:19:05,904
They tend
to come early.
520
00:19:06,037 --> 00:19:08,062
Even if it's
a 1-in-10 chance,
521
00:19:08,140 --> 00:19:11,914
I can't risk having the only
maternal figure present
522
00:19:11,992 --> 00:19:14,328
be that
tub-birthing Wiccan.
523
00:19:14,590 --> 00:19:16,406
I got to be there
for Haley.
524
00:19:16,732 --> 00:19:18,164
It's overwhelming
for sure,
525
00:19:18,273 --> 00:19:21,823
but haven't a ton of
our best memories
526
00:19:21,944 --> 00:19:24,481
come from the anarchy
of our house?
527
00:19:24,709 --> 00:19:27,797
Like when Luke got his head
stuck in the banister?
528
00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,160
Which time?
529
00:19:29,308 --> 00:19:31,996
Or when... when Alex's
science fair project
530
00:19:32,074 --> 00:19:33,480
blacked out
the whole neighborhood
531
00:19:33,566 --> 00:19:35,540
during the Super Bowl?
532
00:19:35,618 --> 00:19:36,757
Or when, uh,
533
00:19:36,841 --> 00:19:38,227
Haley snuck in
Luke's window
534
00:19:38,305 --> 00:19:39,893
the same week we bought
him a slingshot?
535
00:19:39,971 --> 00:19:42,010
- Oh, God. Mm.
- That was...
536
00:19:42,095 --> 00:19:44,174
So, it's
a-a madhouse,
537
00:19:44,252 --> 00:19:46,658
but on the other hand,
538
00:19:46,743 --> 00:19:48,269
we're gonna have a couple
babies in the house,
539
00:19:48,346 --> 00:19:50,500
and... they'll be Haley
and Dylan's.
540
00:19:51,390 --> 00:19:53,737
- Mm-hmm.
- So they'll be doing funny stuff.
541
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,054
So...
542
00:19:58,569 --> 00:20:00,611
looks like we are
going on a trip?
543
00:20:19,191 --> 00:20:20,902
- Gretchen.
- Manuel.
544
00:20:21,052 --> 00:20:23,731
Look, I really am sorry
about the way things ended...
545
00:20:23,809 --> 00:20:24,856
That chapter is closed.
546
00:20:24,934 --> 00:20:27,036
We have a strictly
business relationship now.
547
00:20:28,137 --> 00:20:30,605
Did you enjoy this book,
or did you find your eyes
548
00:20:30,683 --> 00:20:33,012
drifting toward
a shorter Jewish one?
549
00:20:33,145 --> 00:20:34,979
Okay, Shoshana and I
are over.
550
00:20:35,073 --> 00:20:36,942
It was beyond hurtful
that you found a woman
551
00:20:37,020 --> 00:20:39,166
whose name has
two "shhh" sounds in it.
552
00:20:39,309 --> 00:20:40,956
Clearly,
you're still upset
553
00:20:41,034 --> 00:20:43,497
and there's no hope
for reconciliation, so...
554
00:20:43,745 --> 00:20:45,714
I'll just say goodbye
and hope you'll allow me
555
00:20:45,792 --> 00:20:47,700
to play myself off
with our song.
556
00:20:47,940 --> 00:20:49,496
"Sex Kitty" plays...
557
00:20:49,696 --> 00:20:52,552
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
558
00:20:52,730 --> 00:20:54,935
♪ Ow! ♪
559
00:20:55,064 --> 00:20:56,917
♪ Sex kitty ♪
560
00:20:56,999 --> 00:20:58,995
♪ Sexy kitty ♪
41943
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