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1
00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:07,057
I swear to God I didn't think
2
00:00:07,091 --> 00:00:09,026
they could get more things
going on a pizza.
3
00:00:09,059 --> 00:00:10,360
But they did.
4
00:00:10,394 --> 00:00:11,629
This pizza has a churro crust,
5
00:00:11,662 --> 00:00:15,032
but the outer edge is a pretzel
filled with cheese.
6
00:00:15,065 --> 00:00:18,235
One of the toppings on this
pizza is just tinier pizzas.
7
00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:20,304
And don't forget about
the seven-layer dipping sauce
8
00:00:20,337 --> 00:00:23,608
in a giant bowl made of Cheetos.
9
00:00:23,641 --> 00:00:25,042
But that's not all, y'all.
10
00:00:25,075 --> 00:00:27,945
-Check it out,
double-sided pizza.
-(all gasp)
11
00:00:27,978 --> 00:00:31,081
-And we got four of these
for eight dollars.
-(sniffs)
12
00:00:31,115 --> 00:00:32,983
Wait, something smells burnt.
13
00:00:33,017 --> 00:00:34,084
(all sniffing)
14
00:00:34,118 --> 00:00:35,920
Is there a burnt layer
to this pizza?
15
00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:38,288
-(smoke alarm beeping)
-Oh, my God,
something's on fire.
16
00:00:38,322 --> 00:00:40,424
(all scream)
17
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:43,928
-(grunts)
-No, not my white zin, y'all.
18
00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,429
It's seasonal!
19
00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:48,198
(grunts) Yeah,
come on, get some.
20
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,602
Well, here's the problem.
21
00:00:51,636 --> 00:00:53,738
Have y'all not been cleaning
the lint trap?
22
00:00:53,771 --> 00:00:56,406
Oh, my Lord,
you got to clean the lint trap.
23
00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:57,908
No, I don't, Wayne.
That is a myth.
24
00:00:57,942 --> 00:00:59,977
-It is not a myth.
-It is definitely a myth.
25
00:01:00,010 --> 00:01:02,479
-A myth started by corporate
butts to turn us all into...
-Jenny, you got to clean
26
00:01:02,513 --> 00:01:04,915
-the lint trap.
It says so on the lint trap.
-...lint-trap cleaning sheeples.
27
00:01:04,949 --> 00:01:07,351
Wayne, I have never met
a single person in my life
28
00:01:07,384 --> 00:01:08,919
who cleans out their lint trap.
29
00:01:08,953 --> 00:01:11,722
Everyone cleans
their lint trap, Jenny.
30
00:01:11,756 --> 00:01:13,057
Then why aren't they saying so?
31
00:01:13,090 --> 00:01:14,592
If everyone cleaned out
their lint trap,
32
00:01:14,625 --> 00:01:18,295
people would be talking
about lint traps all the time.
33
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:20,931
Yeah, all those idiots
that clean their lint traps
34
00:01:20,965 --> 00:01:22,933
are probably too embarrassed
to talk about it.
35
00:01:22,967 --> 00:01:25,636
If I would've guessed
what was gonna catch on fire,
36
00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:27,872
I would've put my money
on that plug ball from hell.
37
00:01:27,905 --> 00:01:29,907
(electricity crackling)
38
00:01:29,940 --> 00:01:31,942
*
39
00:02:00,905 --> 00:02:04,174
Well, good news is
the damage is mostly cosmetic.
40
00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,977
Bad news is cleanup's
gonna take at least a week.
41
00:02:07,011 --> 00:02:08,512
Jenny, I know you feel weird
42
00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:09,814
about staying over
at my place...
43
00:02:09,847 --> 00:02:12,382
No. I don't. (scoffs)
I mean, what? (chuckles)
44
00:02:12,416 --> 00:02:14,051
Calm down, Wayne, right?
45
00:02:14,084 --> 00:02:15,519
Mom, he's right.
46
00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:17,154
Whenever we've had
to stay at Wayne's,
47
00:02:17,187 --> 00:02:18,956
you've turned
into a total freak.
48
00:02:18,989 --> 00:02:20,157
Remember when those skunks
49
00:02:20,190 --> 00:02:21,926
started a fight club
in our crawlspace
50
00:02:21,959 --> 00:02:24,561
and we had to go to Wayne's
while the house aired out?
51
00:02:24,595 --> 00:02:26,330
You lasted, like, ten minutes.
52
00:02:26,363 --> 00:02:29,767
And in that time, started, like,
ten different pointless fights.
53
00:02:34,038 --> 00:02:35,139
Jenny.
54
00:02:35,172 --> 00:02:37,975
What? It's just a hairbrush.
55
00:02:41,946 --> 00:02:44,048
Jenny, I told you that NASCAR
throw is a collector's item.
56
00:02:44,081 --> 00:02:47,517
Oh, come on. It's just
a little makeup, it'll come out.
57
00:02:47,551 --> 00:02:51,188
(grunting) Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Oh, damn it.
58
00:02:51,221 --> 00:02:54,058
Jenny, I asked you
to at least leave a path.
59
00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:56,861
Sorry, I was
about to clean it up.
60
00:02:58,395 --> 00:03:01,398
I don't purposely start fights.
Wayne's just too uptight.
61
00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,033
That's why we live apart.
62
00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:05,102
Jenny, this is
an emergency scenario.
63
00:03:05,135 --> 00:03:06,370
It's-it's just temporary.
64
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:09,874
Yeah, I know. We'll crash
at your place for a few days.
65
00:03:09,907 --> 00:03:11,809
Just a quick crash, you know.
Not a big deal.
66
00:03:11,842 --> 00:03:13,343
Cool, cool, cool.
67
00:03:13,377 --> 00:03:16,013
All right, well, let's all hop
on the "Cool Cool Cool Express"
68
00:03:16,046 --> 00:03:18,482
to Train-Wreck Town.
69
00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:24,354
Okay, you guys,
welcome to Casa de Wayne.
70
00:03:24,388 --> 00:03:26,556
(laughs)
Make yourself comfortable.
71
00:03:26,590 --> 00:03:27,958
Oh, but not too comfortable.
72
00:03:27,992 --> 00:03:29,193
You know,
since we're just crashing.
73
00:03:29,226 --> 00:03:30,695
Betty, you'll love this,
74
00:03:30,728 --> 00:03:33,964
I've been leeching cable off
my neighbor, Dr. Chakrabarti,
75
00:03:33,998 --> 00:03:35,132
and she gets the full package.
76
00:03:35,165 --> 00:03:37,802
She must be rich as Croesus.
77
00:03:37,835 --> 00:03:39,336
Look at these channels:
78
00:03:39,369 --> 00:03:42,439
Ion, Telemundo, Tumor Network.
79
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:45,843
Oh, dang, that one's
got teeth and hair. (gasps)
80
00:03:45,876 --> 00:03:47,678
Uh-oh. Oh, here we go.
81
00:03:47,712 --> 00:03:50,815
Unsolved Mysteries marathon
on the Christian Crime Network.
82
00:03:50,848 --> 00:03:53,550
Mother, haven't you seen all
of them already, like, 20 times?
83
00:03:53,583 --> 00:03:55,820
They unearthed some
Unsolved Mysteries episodes
84
00:03:55,853 --> 00:03:58,756
that had mysteriously
gone missing.
85
00:03:58,789 --> 00:04:01,658
That in itself
was an Unsolved Mystery.
86
00:04:01,692 --> 00:04:04,929
So, yeah, hey, are you eating
yogurt with a fork?
87
00:04:04,962 --> 00:04:06,663
Is this bothering you, Wayne,
88
00:04:06,697 --> 00:04:09,299
the way I am choosing
to eat my yogurt?
89
00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,936
WAYNE:
Okay, she's just trying to get
a rise out of you, Wayne.
90
00:04:11,969 --> 00:04:13,470
Don't react.
91
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:17,742
Don't even let your face
make an involuntary twitch.
92
00:04:19,910 --> 00:04:22,446
Damn it, she smells blood.
93
00:04:22,479 --> 00:04:25,682
Oops. Oh, I spilled
on your Peterbilt rug.
94
00:04:25,716 --> 00:04:27,151
Who has carpet in their kitchen?
95
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,153
Oh, here we go,
fight number one.
96
00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:31,956
Ugh. Jenny, what is your deal?
97
00:04:31,989 --> 00:04:34,324
I don't have a deal.
Deal or no deal? I'm no deal.
98
00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:36,126
Let's see what the banker says.
Ring, ring, ring.
99
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:38,028
Oh, he says I don't have a deal.
100
00:04:38,062 --> 00:04:40,197
You're being weird.
I'm gonna go get some air.
101
00:04:40,230 --> 00:04:42,299
Oh, hey, Dr. Chakrabarti.
102
00:04:42,332 --> 00:04:43,734
CHAKRABARTI:
Wayne!
103
00:04:46,236 --> 00:04:48,839
(a la "Here Comes the Bride"):
* Do, do, do, do. *
104
00:04:48,873 --> 00:04:51,208
Jenny, you must have a headache
105
00:04:51,241 --> 00:04:53,878
from all those wedding bells
you're hearing.
106
00:04:53,911 --> 00:04:57,447
I heard you and Wayne
finally moved in together.
107
00:04:57,481 --> 00:04:59,950
Oh, Jenny, it's about time.
108
00:04:59,984 --> 00:05:02,452
Louise, Wayne and I
are not getting married.
109
00:05:02,486 --> 00:05:06,056
We are only crashing at his
place because of the dryer fire.
110
00:05:06,090 --> 00:05:08,225
Oh, I forgot.
111
00:05:08,258 --> 00:05:11,328
You've got your silly, little
"issues" with marriage.
112
00:05:11,361 --> 00:05:13,030
What? No, I don't.
113
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,965
You're missing out, Jenny.
114
00:05:14,999 --> 00:05:18,168
My wedding to Daniel
was the best moment of my life.
115
00:05:18,202 --> 00:05:20,037
Well, you need
to do more stuff then.
116
00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:23,007
-Oh, he is gonna propose.
-No. That's not what he's...
117
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:25,375
Jenny, you should have
your reception here
118
00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:26,911
at the Last Supper.
119
00:05:26,944 --> 00:05:29,413
Oh, a beautiful
Monday morning reception,
120
00:05:29,446 --> 00:05:32,783
'cause Saturdays are our
busiest days, and Sundays,
121
00:05:32,817 --> 00:05:34,551
so we'll have
to work around that.
122
00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:36,320
Not getting married, Louise.
123
00:05:36,353 --> 00:05:37,888
Probably are, though.
124
00:05:37,922 --> 00:05:40,557
Maybe I'll get to be
your "boss of honor."
125
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:41,959
* Do, doo, do-do *
126
00:05:41,992 --> 00:05:43,560
* Do, do, do... *
127
00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:45,896
JENNY:
So Wayne's just acting
like a maniac
128
00:05:45,930 --> 00:05:47,131
with us living in his trailer,
129
00:05:47,164 --> 00:05:48,732
and we're just trying
to power through.
130
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:49,934
I mean, don't get me wrong.
131
00:05:49,967 --> 00:05:51,869
I love him,
but he is out of control.
132
00:05:51,902 --> 00:05:53,938
Living together
is all about compromise.
133
00:05:53,971 --> 00:05:55,572
Which, luckily,
I don't have to do
134
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,074
'cause I don't live with Wayne.
135
00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:58,408
Jenny, I'm no therapist,
136
00:05:58,442 --> 00:06:00,010
but I did make
all the therapists,
137
00:06:00,044 --> 00:06:02,212
and I think you're freaking out
because living together
138
00:06:02,246 --> 00:06:03,647
feels like a step
towards marriage.
139
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:04,714
(coughs): Horse crap.
140
00:06:04,748 --> 00:06:05,715
And it's bringing up
a lot of stuff
141
00:06:05,749 --> 00:06:07,284
about Violet's dad
142
00:06:07,317 --> 00:06:09,086
and how you felt pressured
by everyone to marry him.
143
00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:10,921
Did you just cough
and say "horse crap"?
144
00:06:10,955 --> 00:06:14,391
Jesus, I'm not talking about
Don Reynolds today or any day.
145
00:06:14,424 --> 00:06:16,660
I'm just saying, that was
the only other person
146
00:06:16,693 --> 00:06:20,197
you lived with and that ended
a-real a-crazy.
147
00:06:20,230 --> 00:06:21,899
Why did you say it like that?
148
00:06:21,932 --> 00:06:23,733
I'm trying
a sassy best friend thing.
149
00:06:23,767 --> 00:06:25,202
Um, no.
150
00:06:25,235 --> 00:06:26,971
Okrrr!
151
00:06:28,973 --> 00:06:30,307
Catch me up.
152
00:06:30,340 --> 00:06:32,109
This guy's called
the "Grits Box Strangler."
153
00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:34,879
He was local,
operating out of Lenoir.
154
00:06:34,912 --> 00:06:36,313
With a string of violent crimes
155
00:06:36,346 --> 00:06:38,015
throughout central
North Carolina,
156
00:06:38,048 --> 00:06:39,616
only one woman
157
00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:42,920
ever encountered the Grits Box
Strangler and lived.
158
00:06:42,953 --> 00:06:44,454
Who could've survived
that killing machine?
159
00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:45,923
Wonder Woman?
160
00:06:45,956 --> 00:06:48,258
Her name? Crystalynn Poole.
161
00:06:48,292 --> 00:06:51,395
-What? No way.
-Whoa! Plot twist.
162
00:06:51,428 --> 00:06:54,298
I remember that day
like it was yesterday.
163
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:57,501
I was at the ATM
getting cash for church
164
00:06:57,534 --> 00:06:59,469
because I'm a big-time tither.
165
00:06:59,503 --> 00:07:02,772
Before I knew it,
he'd pulled me into his truck.
166
00:07:02,806 --> 00:07:05,475
I was terrified,
but I calmly asked him,
167
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:08,512
"Young man, would you
like to pray with me?"
168
00:07:08,545 --> 00:07:10,981
And he did. Luckily,
169
00:07:11,015 --> 00:07:13,717
there was one other person
in that car that day.
170
00:07:13,750 --> 00:07:15,519
The Holy Spirit.
171
00:07:15,552 --> 00:07:17,354
BETTY:
Oh, Lord.
172
00:07:17,387 --> 00:07:18,956
How many nose hairs did she pull
173
00:07:18,989 --> 00:07:20,991
to get those tears
to squirt out?
174
00:07:21,025 --> 00:07:23,460
I don't know.
She w almost murdered.
175
00:07:23,493 --> 00:07:25,295
Something's up.
My working theory
176
00:07:25,329 --> 00:07:26,897
is that she faked it somehow.
177
00:07:26,931 --> 00:07:29,499
I live in fear every day.
178
00:07:29,533 --> 00:07:32,802
In fear that I'm gonna
expose your flat ass.
179
00:07:33,837 --> 00:07:35,272
(chittering)
180
00:07:35,305 --> 00:07:37,107
Wayne, where did you
put my phone cord?
181
00:07:37,141 --> 00:07:39,776
I know I left it sitting
on top of my suitcase.
182
00:07:39,809 --> 00:07:42,612
I didn't touch it. I know better
than to touch your stuff.
183
00:07:42,646 --> 00:07:44,548
(chuckles): Whoa, okay.
Take it down a notch.
184
00:07:44,581 --> 00:07:45,983
You're being
a little crazy right now.
185
00:07:46,016 --> 00:07:47,517
Do you hear yourself?
186
00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:49,186
Okay, for the sake
of our relationship,
187
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,887
I'm gonna go get
another dose of air.
188
00:07:50,921 --> 00:07:54,058
There's a phone cord
in the junk drawer.
189
00:07:54,091 --> 00:07:56,994
-Hey, Dr. Chakrabarti.
-CHAKRABARTI (distant): Wayne!
190
00:07:57,027 --> 00:08:00,030
Oh, "for the sake of our
relationship." So dramatic.
191
00:08:00,064 --> 00:08:02,199
Paper clips, Post-its,
192
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:05,335
big rubber bands, ring box,
small rubber bands...
193
00:08:05,369 --> 00:08:08,105
Wait, ring box?
194
00:08:09,173 --> 00:08:10,674
Oh, horse crap.
195
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,948
(sighs) Thanks for meeting me
here, Brenda.
196
00:08:17,982 --> 00:08:21,085
Hey, I was here when you called.
So, what's up?
197
00:08:21,118 --> 00:08:22,953
This. I found it
in Wayne's drawer.
198
00:08:22,987 --> 00:08:24,388
Is this what I think it is?
199
00:08:24,421 --> 00:08:25,990
BRENDA:
Oh, man.
200
00:08:26,023 --> 00:08:27,457
An engagement ring?
201
00:08:27,491 --> 00:08:29,926
You must be farting fire, girl.
202
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:34,198
(laughs) 'Cause you got an epic
big old problem with marriage.
203
00:08:34,231 --> 00:08:35,932
Why is everyone up my butt
about this?
204
00:08:35,966 --> 00:08:38,068
Jenny, y'all, I was at
that three-ring circus
205
00:08:38,102 --> 00:08:40,370
that was almost
your wedding to Don Reynolds.
206
00:08:40,404 --> 00:08:44,041
That mess was a-real ca-razy.
207
00:08:44,074 --> 00:08:46,810
*
208
00:08:46,843 --> 00:08:49,046
(shuddering)
209
00:08:50,580 --> 00:08:52,449
LOUISE:
Uh-oh, Jenny, you're pregnant.
210
00:08:52,482 --> 00:08:54,351
Well, now you have
to get married.
211
00:08:54,384 --> 00:08:55,885
BETTY:
Jenny, he's rich.
212
00:08:55,919 --> 00:08:58,022
You have to marry him.
213
00:08:58,055 --> 00:08:59,789
CRYSTALYNN:
Honey, you are a woman
in America.
214
00:08:59,823 --> 00:09:02,492
You have to get married.
215
00:09:02,526 --> 00:09:05,695
BRENDA:
Should I have worn underwear
with this dress?
216
00:09:05,729 --> 00:09:06,997
Dearly beloved,
217
00:09:07,031 --> 00:09:10,067
marriage is forever.
218
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:14,038
Honor thy husband
and obey thy husband.
219
00:09:14,071 --> 00:09:16,573
You must obey...
220
00:09:16,606 --> 00:09:18,942
(overlapping):
Obey. Forever. Forever.
221
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:20,110
Obey.
222
00:09:22,612 --> 00:09:24,148
(guests gasping)
223
00:09:25,715 --> 00:09:27,617
-(shouts)
-(geese honking)
224
00:09:27,651 --> 00:09:29,553
(grunts)
225
00:09:29,586 --> 00:09:30,754
-(cloth rips)
-(shouts)
226
00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:32,056
Jenny, no.
227
00:09:32,089 --> 00:09:33,923
Think about my future.
228
00:09:33,957 --> 00:09:35,759
Stop that woman!
229
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:37,461
USHER:
We got a runner!
230
00:09:39,963 --> 00:09:41,031
(all shouting)
231
00:09:41,065 --> 00:09:42,466
(grunting)
232
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:44,434
(all gasping)
233
00:09:44,468 --> 00:09:45,669
(neighing)
234
00:09:45,702 --> 00:09:47,071
(laughs)
235
00:09:47,104 --> 00:09:48,638
First time on a horse.
236
00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:51,108
In a wedding dress,
fully with child.
237
00:09:51,141 --> 00:09:53,443
I am not mad at it.
238
00:09:53,477 --> 00:09:56,646
Oh, God. I bet Wayne's gonna
ask me to marry him.
239
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,248
(shouts)
240
00:09:58,282 --> 00:09:59,716
I know, right?
241
00:09:59,749 --> 00:10:02,486
No, Slusherito brain freeze.
242
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:05,789
-(shouts)
-Well, don't chug more.
243
00:10:10,327 --> 00:10:12,096
Betty, what the hell?
244
00:10:12,129 --> 00:10:13,997
I saw you on
Unsolved Mysteries.
245
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:17,101
You're lying about encountering
the Grits Box Strangler.
246
00:10:17,134 --> 00:10:19,736
-You made the whole thing up
to get on TV.
-Wrong!
247
00:10:19,769 --> 00:10:23,006
I earned a coveted spot on that
show by being almost murdered.
248
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,908
And Robert Stacks
himself told me
249
00:10:24,941 --> 00:10:28,878
that my story was one of the
most harrowing he'd ever seen.
250
00:10:28,912 --> 00:10:30,847
You met my Robert Stacks?
251
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,984
Met him? He gave me
one of his signature trenches.
252
00:10:36,586 --> 00:10:38,522
(sniffing, exhales)
253
00:10:38,555 --> 00:10:40,890
-I can still smell the Stacks.
-(gasps)
254
00:10:40,924 --> 00:10:42,892
That is ill-gotten.
255
00:10:42,926 --> 00:10:45,295
I've played bridge with you
for years, and you got a tell.
256
00:10:45,329 --> 00:10:47,664
In your interview,
your eyebrow was flopping around
257
00:10:47,697 --> 00:10:49,266
like a caterpillar on Sanka.
258
00:10:49,299 --> 00:10:50,867
I'm gonna prove you were lying.
259
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:53,870
So get ready to have your
mystery solved for all to see.
260
00:10:54,938 --> 00:10:56,706
-(shouts)
-You got it
261
00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:58,242
all wrong, Betty.
262
00:10:58,275 --> 00:11:00,009
My story is airtight.
263
00:11:00,043 --> 00:11:04,214
Also, Sanka's decaffeinated,
264
00:11:04,248 --> 00:11:07,117
so a caterpillar on Sanka
wouldn't flop at all.
265
00:11:07,151 --> 00:11:09,253
Your analogy makes no sense.
266
00:11:11,755 --> 00:11:13,590
-Dang it.
-Oh, I don't think
I got it wrong.
267
00:11:13,623 --> 00:11:16,160
I think I got it oh, so right.
268
00:11:16,193 --> 00:11:18,895
And maybe that caterpillar was
flopping around because he loves
269
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:21,598
the rich, full-bodied taste
of coffee
270
00:11:21,631 --> 00:11:24,401
without the downsides
of caffeine.
271
00:11:33,210 --> 00:11:35,279
-(tires screech)
-(bell ringing)
272
00:11:35,312 --> 00:11:37,113
BETTY:
Ha!
273
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:41,117
Dang it.
274
00:11:41,151 --> 00:11:43,853
(panting):
Let's pick this up t-tomorrow.
275
00:11:43,887 --> 00:11:46,956
-Want the lights on?
-Off is fine.
276
00:11:49,326 --> 00:11:51,828
-Why are we doing this?
-'Cause we love each other.
277
00:11:51,861 --> 00:11:54,731
And 'cause everyone else
is doing it.
278
00:11:54,764 --> 00:11:57,567
(screaming)
279
00:12:01,271 --> 00:12:02,806
You ready to talk
about this yet?
280
00:12:02,839 --> 00:12:05,409
-Talk about what?
-Oh, wow. Okay.
281
00:12:05,442 --> 00:12:07,076
Well, you're having a dream
where you're in a wedding gown
282
00:12:07,110 --> 00:12:08,812
and falling to your death.
283
00:12:08,845 --> 00:12:10,614
You are terrified
of getting married,
284
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:13,049
and you just need to admit it,
Frasier's DeNiles Crane.
285
00:12:13,082 --> 00:12:15,018
Oh. Great reference, Jesus.
286
00:12:15,051 --> 00:12:17,053
Yeah. I've been catching up
on all the '90s classics.
287
00:12:17,086 --> 00:12:19,656
Friends, Mad About You,
Sister, Sister.
288
00:12:19,689 --> 00:12:21,825
Will you just tell me
what you're here to tell me?
289
00:12:21,858 --> 00:12:24,261
Okay, here goes:
Wayne's not Don.
290
00:12:24,294 --> 00:12:26,129
-That's it?
-That's it.
291
00:12:27,431 --> 00:12:30,033
-Holy guacamole!
-CHiPs!
292
00:12:30,066 --> 00:12:34,304
Sorry, I was dreaming about
that old motorcycle cop show.
293
00:12:34,338 --> 00:12:36,340
*
294
00:12:55,659 --> 00:12:57,827
I think I got it.
295
00:12:57,861 --> 00:13:00,163
VIOLET:
Gram,
296
00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:02,332
I'm on the Unsolved wiki,
and the Grits Box Strangler's
297
00:13:02,366 --> 00:13:06,470
been sitting in a jail
in South Carolina for 15 years.
298
00:13:06,503 --> 00:13:08,004
Too bad we can't
just talk to him
299
00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:10,006
and ask him
if he remembers Crystalynn.
300
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:11,074
-(engine starts)
-Gram?
301
00:13:12,141 --> 00:13:13,977
(tires screeching)
302
00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:16,045
JENNY:
Wayne, I know why
you brought me here,
303
00:13:16,079 --> 00:13:18,548
and guess what,
it's not gonna work.
304
00:13:18,582 --> 00:13:20,550
-'Cause you forgot
to bring this.
-What?
305
00:13:20,584 --> 00:13:22,051
CHARLES:
Hey, everybody,
306
00:13:22,085 --> 00:13:23,753
it's a restaurant proposal!
307
00:13:23,787 --> 00:13:25,322
He's gonna propose to her!
308
00:13:25,355 --> 00:13:27,991
Except she's the one
that put the ring down.
309
00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:30,494
Different times, brother.
Different times.
310
00:13:30,527 --> 00:13:33,096
-Who run the world?
-Girls!
311
00:13:33,129 --> 00:13:34,298
Why can't you guys sit together?
You're both eating alone.
312
00:13:34,331 --> 00:13:35,699
Just go sit together!
313
00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:37,066
Jenny, what are you doing
with that?
314
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:40,804
Is this or is this not
an engagement ring?
315
00:13:40,837 --> 00:13:42,706
(sighs)
It's my meemaw's ring.
316
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:44,308
She gave it to me
because she was afraid
317
00:13:44,341 --> 00:13:47,043
Uncle Tommy would sell it
or eat it.
318
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:49,346
So you never intended
to propose to me?
319
00:13:49,379 --> 00:13:51,147
Okay, sure, I'll confess.
320
00:13:51,180 --> 00:13:54,884
There was a point when I did
want to propose,
321
00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:58,021
but I know I can't because
of your thing about marriage.
322
00:13:58,054 --> 00:14:00,023
(chuckles):
Oh, oh. Oh, so I'm the problem?
323
00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:03,026
I'm the one standing
between you and happiness?
324
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:04,193
I didn't say that. I just...
325
00:14:04,227 --> 00:14:05,929
I know you don't want
to be married.
326
00:14:05,962 --> 00:14:08,031
Why does everyone think
I don't want to be married?
327
00:14:08,064 --> 00:14:10,066
Because you've said so
on multiple occasions.
328
00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:12,035
Okay, well, maybe
I'm changing my mind.
329
00:14:12,068 --> 00:14:14,838
Okay, then.
Do you want to get married?
330
00:14:14,871 --> 00:14:16,806
-I don't know. Do you?
-I do.
331
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,008
Okay, well, I guess
we're frickin' engaged.
332
00:14:19,042 --> 00:14:21,811
I guess we frickin' are.
333
00:14:23,212 --> 00:14:24,548
Well, what are you
waiting for, dummies?
334
00:14:24,581 --> 00:14:26,049
Clap for us!
335
00:14:26,082 --> 00:14:27,717
(quiet clapping)
336
00:14:32,255 --> 00:14:34,057
(chittering)
337
00:14:35,359 --> 00:14:37,761
Hey, guys. What's up?
338
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:40,129
Hi, Violet. Great news.
We just got engaged.
339
00:14:40,163 --> 00:14:42,366
Yeah. We're getting married.
340
00:14:42,399 --> 00:14:45,068
This seems like a cool situation
I've walked into.
341
00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:46,235
Oh, it's the coolest.
342
00:14:46,269 --> 00:14:48,037
I can't wait to start
planning the wedding.
343
00:14:48,071 --> 00:14:50,940
'Cause no one's gonna tell me
I have issues with marriage.
344
00:14:50,974 --> 00:14:53,109
I'm ready to start planning
right now.
345
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:55,645
-Unless you want to wait.
-Nope. Why wait?
346
00:14:55,679 --> 00:14:57,046
When you know you're doing
347
00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,015
exactly the thing
you're supposed to do, right?
348
00:14:59,048 --> 00:15:01,017
Let's go, Wayne!
349
00:15:01,050 --> 00:15:02,919
Hey, Dr. Chakrabarti.
350
00:15:02,952 --> 00:15:05,021
CHAKRABARTI:
Oh, hey. Where's Wayne?
351
00:15:05,054 --> 00:15:08,858
Wayne, I know she's a-real
ca-razy right now,
352
00:15:08,892 --> 00:15:10,960
but why are you
going through with this?
353
00:15:10,994 --> 00:15:12,328
I'm not gonna be
the one to say
354
00:15:12,362 --> 00:15:13,329
I don't want to get married.
355
00:15:13,363 --> 00:15:16,232
Because then,
forever and ever, amen,
356
00:15:16,265 --> 00:15:18,968
I'm the one who didn't want
to get married,
357
00:15:19,002 --> 00:15:22,071
and Jenny is not
putting that on me!
358
00:15:22,105 --> 00:15:25,742
* In too deep,
in too deep, can't quit! *
359
00:15:25,775 --> 00:15:27,577
* In too deep *
360
00:15:27,611 --> 00:15:30,046
-* In too deep, can't quit! *
-* I'm makin' a point *
361
00:15:30,079 --> 00:15:31,448
* And no one's
gonna stop me *
362
00:15:31,481 --> 00:15:32,882
* It sounds crazy,
but that doesn't faze me *
363
00:15:32,916 --> 00:15:34,784
-* Tasting buttercreams *
-* Yum-yum! *
364
00:15:34,818 --> 00:15:36,319
* Choosing chicken or fish *
365
00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:38,121
* You can't stop me
from getting cake toppers *
366
00:15:38,154 --> 00:15:39,689
* And pickin' peonies *
367
00:15:39,723 --> 00:15:41,090
* I'll find
a folksy barn space *
368
00:15:41,124 --> 00:15:44,694
* Where we'll sit
on bales of hay *
369
00:15:44,728 --> 00:15:47,030
* Hay-hey-hey-hey-hey *
370
00:15:47,063 --> 00:15:48,197
* 'Cause I'm in too deep,
can't quit *
371
00:15:48,231 --> 00:15:50,467
* In too deep,
in too deep *
372
00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:52,869
-* Can't quit *
-* Oh, no! *
373
00:15:52,902 --> 00:15:56,039
(door buzzes)
374
00:15:56,072 --> 00:15:58,742
Did you ever almost strangle
this woman?
375
00:15:58,775 --> 00:16:00,043
It's hard to say.
376
00:16:00,076 --> 00:16:01,645
When I first
started strangling,
377
00:16:01,678 --> 00:16:04,047
I had the eye holes
way too small.
378
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:06,616
Once I accidentally
strangled a mop.
379
00:16:06,650 --> 00:16:08,351
She claims she started praying
380
00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:10,620
right before you were about
to turn her lights out.
381
00:16:10,654 --> 00:16:13,056
Well, they all
kind of did that.
382
00:16:13,089 --> 00:16:14,524
Thanks for nothing, Grits Head.
383
00:16:14,558 --> 00:16:16,125
I just go by Kevin now.
384
00:16:16,159 --> 00:16:19,195
I'm a changed man.
I really worked on myself.
385
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:21,431
I got on meds.
I work in the library.
386
00:16:21,465 --> 00:16:24,300
I know everyone's birthdays,
too, yeah.
387
00:16:24,333 --> 00:16:26,402
Yeah, I'm the birthday guy.
388
00:16:26,436 --> 00:16:28,838
Sounds like you were
more interesting the other way.
389
00:16:28,872 --> 00:16:29,873
Time's up, Kevin.
390
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:33,910
Holy munchkin!
391
00:16:33,943 --> 00:16:37,514
So, you excited?
His birthday's tomorrow.
392
00:16:37,547 --> 00:16:38,515
(hangs up phone)
393
00:16:38,548 --> 00:16:40,784
(birds chirping)
394
00:16:40,817 --> 00:16:43,920
Betty, if you're in here,
you can't scare me.
395
00:16:50,594 --> 00:16:52,996
-(screams)
-I'm afraid the tall tale
396
00:16:53,029 --> 00:16:54,864
you told Unsolved Mysteries
397
00:16:54,898 --> 00:16:57,033
about the Grits Box Stranger
came up...
398
00:16:57,066 --> 00:16:59,235
short.
I had a little sit-down
399
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:03,272
with the GBS, "little" being
the operative word here.
400
00:17:03,306 --> 00:17:05,374
Let's just say
some of the details
401
00:17:05,408 --> 00:17:07,877
of your story
need to be heightened.
402
00:17:07,911 --> 00:17:09,412
Spit it out, dummy.
403
00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:11,014
He's short.
Short as hell.
404
00:17:11,047 --> 00:17:12,448
A total hobbit, y'all.
405
00:17:12,482 --> 00:17:16,720
Which means there's no way
the real GBS would've been seen
406
00:17:16,753 --> 00:17:18,655
behind your early '90s bouffant.
407
00:17:18,688 --> 00:17:21,057
You got someone else to
put that box on his head
408
00:17:21,090 --> 00:17:22,091
and stage the abduction.
409
00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:26,262
Okay, fine.
I made the whole thing up.
410
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,297
I just wanted to meet
Robert Stacks
411
00:17:28,331 --> 00:17:31,234
and solve the mystery
of what was under that trench!
412
00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:33,737
Ugh!
Who are you gonna tell?
413
00:17:33,770 --> 00:17:36,305
Oh, I just might mention it
to Binh Ly at Fancy Nails.
414
00:17:36,339 --> 00:17:38,441
I don't care about that.
I don't even go there.
415
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:41,310
But you know who does?
Loretta Dix.
416
00:17:41,344 --> 00:17:43,446
-Don't care.
-Who goes mall walking
417
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:45,982
-with Ronnie Anne Lewiston.
-Means nothing to me.
418
00:17:46,015 --> 00:17:49,418
-Who's in a book club
with Latrice Beasley.
-Never heard of her.
419
00:17:49,452 --> 00:17:51,788
Who plays pickleball
with Noreen Blix,
420
00:17:51,821 --> 00:17:54,090
who I believe
goes to your church.
421
00:17:54,123 --> 00:17:55,224
Not Noreen!
422
00:17:55,258 --> 00:17:57,627
Dammit, Betty, name your price.
423
00:17:57,661 --> 00:18:00,664
I might could think of something
that would keep me quiet.
424
00:18:00,697 --> 00:18:04,100
If you have any information
about the butt-whooping
425
00:18:04,133 --> 00:18:07,537
that you just saw,
our operators are standing by.
426
00:18:10,974 --> 00:18:12,108
(door opens)
427
00:18:12,141 --> 00:18:13,977
Mother, where have you been?
428
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:16,045
Oh, just down
in South Carolina
429
00:18:16,079 --> 00:18:18,582
having a face-to-face sit-down
with a serial killer.
430
00:18:18,615 --> 00:18:19,949
What's going on here?
431
00:18:19,983 --> 00:18:21,951
Oh, not much.
Just Wayne and Mom
432
00:18:21,985 --> 00:18:23,953
are locked in a stupid game
of chicken
433
00:18:23,987 --> 00:18:25,955
that will result in them
being married.
434
00:18:25,989 --> 00:18:27,323
No. We are deeply in love.
435
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:28,925
And so society won't brand us
total freaks,
436
00:18:28,958 --> 00:18:30,493
we're getting married.
437
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:33,162
Don't worry, Violet.
She'll never go through with it.
438
00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:35,799
This one's got big-time
marriage issues.
439
00:18:35,832 --> 00:18:37,166
Bet they haven't even
set a date.
440
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,335
Um, did somebody say
we haven't set a date?
441
00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:41,705
-What's today's date?
'Cause that's the date.
-Today?
442
00:18:41,738 --> 00:18:44,073
What's wrong, Wayne?
Don't want to get married?
443
00:18:44,107 --> 00:18:45,041
No, I-I do.
444
00:18:45,074 --> 00:18:46,042
Everyone put your shoes on.
445
00:18:46,075 --> 00:18:47,476
We're going to the courthouse.
446
00:18:47,510 --> 00:18:49,145
So I guess nobody's gonna ask me
447
00:18:49,178 --> 00:18:52,315
about Robert Stacks'
trench coat?
448
00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:53,549
(sniffs)
449
00:18:53,583 --> 00:18:55,084
Mmm...
450
00:18:55,118 --> 00:18:57,120
-(indistinct chatter)
-(gavel taps)
451
00:18:57,153 --> 00:18:59,388
All right, who's next?
452
00:18:59,422 --> 00:19:01,190
Oh. A wedding.
453
00:19:01,224 --> 00:19:02,458
-Yep.
-Sure is.
454
00:19:02,491 --> 00:19:03,893
Yup. Just like most weddings,
455
00:19:03,927 --> 00:19:07,230
an entire parking lot
saw the bride change in the car.
456
00:19:07,263 --> 00:19:09,032
Okay, y'all seem real angry,
457
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:10,800
and that's coming
from a city employee,
458
00:19:10,834 --> 00:19:14,203
but I'll do my best to make this
special for y'all, okay?
459
00:19:14,237 --> 00:19:16,873
Dearly beloved,
460
00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:18,842
blobbity-blob, special day,
461
00:19:18,875 --> 00:19:20,877
love is patient and kind,
462
00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,646
bleegitty-bloo, tears in heaven,
463
00:19:22,679 --> 00:19:24,781
sickness and health--
ooh, text from my daughter--
464
00:19:24,814 --> 00:19:29,418
marriage is work, deedly-do,
blah-blah, etcetera, etcetera.
465
00:19:29,452 --> 00:19:31,020
Do y'all have vows?
466
00:19:31,054 --> 00:19:34,123
(sighs)
I wrote some vows.
467
00:19:34,157 --> 00:19:36,059
Just read them.
468
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:41,497
"Dear Wayne, I do have issues
with marriage."
469
00:19:41,530 --> 00:19:43,199
-Okay, you know what?
-Read.
470
00:19:43,232 --> 00:19:45,769
"What we have is so perfect
471
00:19:45,802 --> 00:19:47,871
"I'm afraid to change
anything about it.
472
00:19:47,904 --> 00:19:49,572
"I infinity love you,
473
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:51,107
"all the way to the Moon
and back,
474
00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:54,077
"and I don't need a piece
of paper to prove it.
475
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:57,113
And we both know I'm never
gonna empty the lint trap."
476
00:19:57,146 --> 00:20:00,917
-Wait, it just ends like that?
-Wayne? Now you read.
477
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:04,087
"Dear Jenny, I promise
I won't get all up your butt
478
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,422
"about the damn
lint trap anymore.
479
00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:07,991
"You fill up the lint trap
in my heart
480
00:20:08,024 --> 00:20:11,127
because you make me feel
all warm and fuzzy."
481
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:12,696
Oh, you captured my voice.
482
00:20:12,729 --> 00:20:15,932
-(sniffs)
-"I think this relationship
is perfect, too,
483
00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:17,433
"and I don't even want
to get married,
484
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:20,469
because you are my family
until forever."
485
00:20:20,503 --> 00:20:22,471
Violet, your vows were perfect.
486
00:20:22,505 --> 00:20:23,873
Thank you, Peanut.
487
00:20:23,907 --> 00:20:26,810
Without this ring,
I don't be wed.
488
00:20:26,843 --> 00:20:28,144
(crying):
I don't, either!
489
00:20:28,177 --> 00:20:31,047
Okay, well, that wedding
was a-real ca-razy.
490
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,149
I don't know
what to pronounce you two.
491
00:20:33,182 --> 00:20:34,383
Don't pronounce
them anything.
492
00:20:34,417 --> 00:20:37,020
They're fine the way they are.
493
00:20:37,053 --> 00:20:39,122
-This is the reception.
-(dance music starts playing)
494
00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:40,990
Oh, y'all.
I wish Ed was here
495
00:20:41,024 --> 00:20:43,592
so he could see his daughter
not get married
496
00:20:43,626 --> 00:20:46,029
in such a beautiful
dumb-butt way.
497
00:20:46,062 --> 00:20:49,432
* Love shack is a little
old place where *
498
00:20:49,465 --> 00:20:52,501
-(cheering and applause)
-* We can get together... *
499
00:20:57,206 --> 00:21:00,143
* Bang, bang,
on the door, baby *
500
00:21:00,176 --> 00:21:02,645
* Knock a little louder, sugar *
501
00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:06,449
* Bang, bang, bang
on the door, baby *
502
00:21:06,482 --> 00:21:08,885
(vocalizing)
503
00:21:08,918 --> 00:21:09,953
-(balloon pops)
-ALL: Ooh!
504
00:21:09,986 --> 00:21:12,021
No! Y'all don't worry about me.
505
00:21:12,055 --> 00:21:13,256
Go back to dancing.
506
00:21:13,289 --> 00:21:15,191
You got the room
for another ten minutes.
507
00:21:15,224 --> 00:21:18,694
-* On the door, baby,
bang, bang *
-(balloons pop)
508
00:21:18,728 --> 00:21:21,130
-Sorry. Just trying to clean up
before the next group.
-(balloon pops)
509
00:21:21,164 --> 00:21:22,932
-Shoot. Sorry.
-(balloon pops)
510
00:21:22,966 --> 00:21:24,033
-Sorry.
-(balloon pops)
511
00:21:24,067 --> 00:21:25,201
-Sorry.
-(balloons popping)
512
00:21:25,234 --> 00:21:27,203
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
513
00:21:27,236 --> 00:21:32,041
ALL:
* Tin roof, rusted. *
514
00:21:32,075 --> 00:21:34,043
-(meows)
-(horn honks musically)
515
00:21:34,077 --> 00:21:36,079
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516
00:21:39,482 --> 00:21:41,617
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