All language subtitles for Hacks.S01E08.GLHF.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Sneaking out in the morning
without saying goodbye?

I thought you just did that
to aspiring backup dancers.

I'm not leaving just yet.

I'm not making you breakfast,
if that's what you're after.

There is a story coming out today

in the "Review-Journal" that MC Ludwig

is taking over your
slot at the Palmetto.

- What?
- I'm sorry.

I'm literally naked here.

I just wanted to tell you myself

before you heard it someplace else.

Your 2,500th show is
going to be your last.

What about the pictures
that I have, the photos?

I'll take the hit.

I have a contract for two more years.

And I'm buying you out of it.
You'll get your full penalty.

This wasn't just my decision.
I have a board to answer to.

You know, you didn't have to have
sex with me to soften the blow.

- You're not that good in bed.
- No.

Look, I wanted to tell you last night,

but then one thing
led to another, and...

as much as I enjoyed it,

this wasn't part of the plan.

You can go now.

All right.

I am truly sorry.

Ava!

- Get up.
- How'd you get in here?

I paid for the room. I have a key.

Get up, we have a
whole new hour to write.

Wait, what?

- I have to pee.
- No. No time.

Marty is buying me out of my contract.

- Oh, shit.
- We're gonna do all that

unfunny confessional
stuff that we've been

talking about for the anniversary show.

It's gonna be the whole thing.

- Unfunny?
- And it's gonna be so splashy

that another casino will want me,

and I can tell Marty to go fuck himself.

Why are you still in bed?

A full new hour?

D, that show is two weeks away.

First of all, you will
absolutely not call me D.

And secondly, yes, I
know. It's a time crunch.

So come on, grab... a pile.

You're gonna be staying at
my house till we're finished.

Also, you're gonna start
getting up every morning at 7:00.

- Wh...
- Piece of advice.

If Kelly Ripa's day is already over

and yours hasn't even
started, you're in trouble.

What is this?

That's my bra bucket.
There's no storage here.

No, no, no, no, no, this.

Oh, that's my matcha latte station.

You're not bringing that.

- Move your ass!
- Okay!

So then I started taking diet pills.

But they gave me such
terrible headaches,

I couldn't sleep, but
I'll tell you what.

I didn't miss a second of the OJ trial.

Come on, you've seen the grape lady.

- I've never heard of her.
- Okay. Look at this.

These buckets are filled with grapes...

- Okay, fine, you pick.
- I want to get sushi.

I love the crab roll from that place.

No. That was Alan Alda's birthday.

Who's that?

Oh. That's horrible.

I can't breathe. Stop.

Play it again.

Best two out of three.

Yes! Crab roll, here I come, baby.

Well, I hear this snap sound.

And I knew that the bone was broken.

Ow, ow, ow! Ow, ow!

Oh, my God.

They forgot the crab roll!

We've been working all day.

You haven't laughed this hard once.

No, I don't do insult humor.

You insult my hands all the time.

- That's observational humor.
- Oh, my God!

Hey, is it okay if I leave my eyes open?

- Oh, definitely not.
- Why didn't you tell me?

You're young. You'll be fine.

Hit.

21.

Ava wins!

You don't always have
to sound so surprised.

Why are you guys going to Sacramento?

Can't you just practice it here?

'Cause if it works there,
it'll work anywhere.

Fun fact:

Sacramento is home to one of the only

female serial killers.

What? I know feminist shit too.

You know, I always
thought it was so bizarre

that Sacramento is the
capital of California.

It's like Albany being
the capital of New York.

It feels like someone
tried to guess which cities

were gonna be important,
like, 200 years ago

and now everyone's afraid to
admit that they were wrong.

- You know what's crazy?
- Hmm?

I just listened to that whole
thing, and I agree with you.

That is crazy.

That is crazy.

- Hi.
- Mm, hey, kiddo.

Oh, Dad, hi!

- How's Sin City?
- It's all right.

- How are you feeling?
- Great!

I was just thinking,
maybe I could come visit.

Huh? See your comedian's show.

You know, I had Woody Allen
records back in the day.

Mm, you gotta get rid of those.

All right, so what's a good weekend?

Are you sure you should fly, Dad?

What does Mom think?

Well, you know her.

Remember when she wouldn't let you

drive to the mall till you were 19?

Yeah, but that was a hectic
parking lot and a huge van.

You know, you're talking
about flying cross-country

a couple months after having a stroke.

I'm telling you, I'm fine.

So do you use Travel-o-city.com?

You think that's legit?

Yeah. It's legit, yeah.

Hello, period.

Can't wait to see you tonight, period.

Winky face.

Delete.

Delete winky face.

Oh, my God.

I've always wondered, literally,

who on Earth uses voice
to text, and it's you.

This tracks so hard.

Shouldn't you be in Sacramento?

Yeah, we're leaving in 20.

You know, I always
thought it was so weird

how Sacramento is the
capital of California,

like how Albany is the
capital of New York...

- I hope it's worth it.
- What?

Do you know she made
me clear her schedule

for the last two weeks?

And Deborah's built a
loyal audience for years.

And that's the foundation
of our business, so...

this whole soul-baring
thing sounds very off-brand.

I guess, but... isn't
that kind of the point?

Potentially alienating her fans, no.

I'm not sure that should be the point.

Okay, well, the new hour was her idea.

And I think it's great
she wants to change.

Oh, and Deborah's gonna change?

Okay.

Ava, let's go!

Delete winky face.

Oh, they always smell like this.

- Bad?
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, wow.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. I was so nervous then.

I'd been doing stand-up
less than a year.

But people knew you
from your show, right?

Not as a stand-up, though.
I really had to prove myself.

Every joke had to hit.

I kind of miss that, you know,
having to earn your laughs.

When you get big, there's no
sense of excitement, you know?

No risk that people are gonna hate you.

Hey, hey.

Plenty of people can still hate you.

That was good.

Oh, wow.

I don't think they've changed
the carpet since I was here.

There she is, Deborah Vance.

What's going on?

Oh.

Boom. Good to see you.

Drew Higgins. I'm hosting tonight.

So I usually do my full set at the end

but can't tonight 'cause you're here...

real legend, which is very cool.

Maybe I'll croak halfway through,

you can have the last
half hour, how's that?

That... that'd be great.

So I'll take a light at
15 and another one at 5.

Okay. I will tell the booth, I guess.

Oh, and there's a greenroom in the back.

You can drop all your shit there,

and don't fuck it up.

Words to live by.

I know that is not Deborah Vance!

Oh!

No, honey!

That famous bitch wouldn't be
caught dead in a hellhole like this.

- Oh, life is cruel, Francine.
- Oh!

- Life is cruel.
- Let me look at you.

Ugh! You're incredible.

Well, I better look good! I'm rich!

Oh!

Well, let's grab a
table and talk some shit.

Come on!

Hi, I'm Ava.

- Hi.
- Nina, where is it?

Dennis! Jesus!

It's right next to the Kleenex!

- Mom?
- Christ.

Dad's saying he's coming to visit you.

Are you crazy? He
cannot come to visit you.

- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- I never...

I mean, it's ridiculous.
You know that he's not well.

I mean, it can't happen.
It just can't happen!

Calm down. I'm agreeing with you.

I didn't ask him to come.

He just seems to think that he can.

Yeah, well, you know, he's in denial.

He can't even lift his left arm.

Yesterday he snapped at me

when I told him to let your cousin

put the cover on the outdoor couch.

You guys got an outdoor couch?

Mm. It's IKEA, we'll see.

Listen, why don't you
come home this weekend

and stay for a week?

He'll get to see you.

He'll forget all about this trip thing.

And then we can get you in with
Dr. Taline for your physical.

Mom, I'm 25.

I can't see a pediatrician anymore.

Plus, I can't just drop everything

and fly across the country.

Dr. Taline is wonderful,
and your father...

I know you told him he can't travel,

but I don't know, tell him again.

I can't find it!

Christ on the cross, Dennis!

I said it's right next to the Kleenex!

- Ava...
- Okay, okay.

He'll listen to you. I love you.

- I gotta go. Bye.
- I'll see you...

Hey! Hey! Hey!

God damn it! That neighbor's dog.

Hello!

Aww, baby, charcuterie!

Mom, what are you doing here?

I DM'ed you last night.

I ordered the Royal
Rumble on pay-per-view.

On my TV? I offered to get you cable.

Baby, quit acting brand-new.
You know I'm a cord cutter.

Where's the remote?

Okay, Mom, you can't be here right now.

Says the boy who squatted
in my uterus for ten months?

Oh, shit.

Oh.

Wow.

Okay. Mom, this is Wilson.

Wilson, my mother, Robin.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Okay, I love him.

Marcus, don't fuck this up.

- Mom.
- Hon.

- What's it, Wilson?
- Yes. Yeah.

- Come sit.
- Oh, thank you.

Wilson... you like weed?

Oh, yes, but I'm good right now.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Well, we are just about
to watch the Royal Rumble!

- We're not.
- Wait, WWE?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.

I was obsessed with the
divas in middle school.

- Really?
- Oh, my God.

- Ivory, Lita, Jacqueline.
- Mm-hmm!

- Oh, and Trish Stratus?
- Oh, she was everything.

Child, now, that girl
had quite the chest.

That chest postponed my coming out,

- I swear, for at least a year.
- Stop it, girl!

Okay, all right, I think Wilson and I

actually are going to go out for dinner.

- Oh. All right. Okay.
- Yes. Yes.

Well, Robin, it was a
pleasure to meet you.

And the next time we get together,

we're gonna talk about the Bella Twins.

Do you know that they had
their baby a day apart?

- Mm-hmm.
- Now, that's some crazy shit.

- It was crazy.
- It was crazy, right?

- Good night, good night, Mom.
- Okay, I'm not the only one.

- Good night.
- Have a good time!

Get ready to rumble!

I know, I can't believe it.

How do you two know each other?

Oh, we used to see each
other at all the clubs.

But I never spoke to Ms. Deb.

- She was scary.
- What?

- Me?
- No.

Plus, she was the lady from the TV show.

At that time, I was dating this jerk.

And one night after a really bad set,

I was practically
carrying him to my car.

He was a blackout drunk.

And Ms. Deb helped me
load him into my back seat.

Should have been in the trunk.

Oh, yes!

She told me to drop his ass.

And after I did, she
took me on tour with her.

It was just so I could
drive in the carpool lane.

You bitch.

You ladies ready to order?

- Can I get a coffee with...
- do you guys have oat milk?

No.

Do you have soy?

No, sorry.

Oh, God!

The entitled millennial
is gonna have to drink 2%.

Emergency! Somebody get an EpiPen!

Oh, God, that is rich.

Tell me, what exactly do people think

millennials are entitled to?

- Oh, God, here we go.
- Huh?

Expensive-ass health care?

The planet ruined by
ignoring climate change?

Yeah, the only thing
millennials are entitled to

is our future grandchildren

running around the desert hellscape

sucking shriveled dicks
for water or whatever.

And also, most importantly,
I'm Gen Z, okay?

There are millennials who are, like, 40.

So what about black?

- Yeah, that's great.
- Thank you.

You know, I would have
been more than happy

to smoke weed with your mom.

Oh, God, you would have got
nothing because she hogs it all.

Are you guys close?

We are now, but when I first came out,

she was way less supportive
than my Dad, weirdly.

And after he died, she went way
too far in the other direction.

I mean, she got me poppers for
a stocking stuffer one year.

- No!
- Yes.

And, oh, get this, the other day,

I overheard her telling her
friend that I'm a vers top.

- Wait, did you tell her?
- No!

Oh, God.

Oh! You know who finally died? Ira.

Aww.

Now, there's someone I'm
gonna have to try to avoid

when I get to hell.

I was gonna call you about his funeral,

but then I remembered your rule.

- I don't do funerals.
- No funerals.

Who was Ira?

Ira, Ira, Ira, Ira.

Ira was the proprietor of this club.

We would have to slide onto the stage

with our backs against the wall

so he wouldn't grab
our asses on the way up.

- Oh, my God, ew.
- Oh, that was nothing.

I'm convinced he and Cosby
had the same pharmacist.

Oh! Now, you know he used

to make the new girls sit on his lap

before he would give
them their paychecks?

That's why they called him
Old Saint Dick, you know.

- Well, anyway, he's dead now.
- Oh, God.

Dessert, anyone?

- Rock climbing in toe shoes.
- No.

Okay.

We don't wear toe
shoes for rock climbing.

But yes, I do own a pair.

Well, you do you, I don't kink shame.

- Oh, there's no shame.
- My toes are beautiful.

Yes, they are. God.

You know, I'm actually going to Zion

next week to go bouldering.

- Oh, great.
- Mm-hmm.

- I've never been.
- It sounds lovely.

- I'd love to go.
- Oh, great.

Oh, wait, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to
just... I meant sometime.

I didn't want to just fully
invite myself to your trip.

- Unless...
- No, no, no.

Okay, so I wanted to invite you.

I just didn't want to seem
like I was coming on too strong.

So you want to come?

Well, it's not like anybody's
gonna miss me at work,

so... yeah, let's do it.

You are going to love it.

Nothing as far as the
eye can see, and, like,

there's barely any cell
service, no distractions.

Just us.

Cool, cool.

I...

You know, I'm just gonna wash my hands

before the entrées come.

- Oh, okay.
- Be right back.

Oh, that's good.

- Hey, could you hurry, please?
- Yep.

Thank you.

Yeah, sorry, could you...

could you actually park it again?

- For real?
- Yeah, sorry.

Here. Thank you.

Sorry.

So... camping.

How do I protect myself from bears?

Oh.

You can't.

It's okay. I'll protect you.

- I'm much bigger than you.
- I think it's up to me.

- Mm.
- You're gonna protect me?

No, we're both gonna die.

God.

Okay, so I'm gonna go
from DJ's first overdose

to the broken foot
and then do a callback

to DJ's second overdose, okay.

So I'm gonna close with...

I don't know, the hysterectomy
scare or double foreclosure?

I mean, really, which
do you think is punchier?

Sorry, what?

Hey, will you pay attention, please?

I'm just thinking about that Ira guy.

Eh, what are you gonna do?

Okay, so I know we planned on
ending with double foreclosure,

but is hysterectomy stronger?

I know it was, like,
the time and everything,

but I'm still... I'm just mad for you.

Well, if I'm not upset
about it, you shouldn't be.

Yeah, but I mean, it's
upsetting, you know?

Like, I'm really glad
that you weren't affected,

but I'm sure a lot of other women were

and, like, stopped doing comedy

'cause they were scared of, you know,

getting finger-blasted in
the greenroom or whatever.

I was affected.

You know, it pissed me off
that I had to deal with that,

and then he gets to take credit for me?

Put my photo up on his fucking wall?

But life goes on. Now, which is funnier,

double foreclosure or hysterectomy?

- Double foreclosure.
- Thank you.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to, like,

victim blame at all.

I'm just wondering, like,

don't you think you should
have maybe reported him?

Ugh, Ira owned most of the
good venues on the West Coast.

It was a real boys' club.

I couldn't afford to burn that bridge.

Oh, so you were just looking
out for your own career, then?

- What are you accusing me of?
- Nothing.

I helped a lot of people.

I wasn't perfect, but
I did what I could.

Yeah, but then you got rich and famous.

You could have come after him then.

Instead you just worked your
way up the ladder and then...

Oh, God.

Now you're accusing me
of being a ladder puller?

Please! Just by getting
up on that stage,

I gave other women more than I ever had.

Forget the ladder, I built
a marble fucking staircase!

It's not my job to carry people up it.

If you're not gonna
help, you can just leave.

Also, you're wrong.
Hysterectomy's funnier.

I'm closing with that.

- Hey. How's it going?
- Hi.

So how'd that flight look?

Oh, and does your
hotel have a party pool?

Yeah, it's basically a giant toilet.

But, Dad, I'm sorry. You
can't come to visit me.

Oh, come on, I told
you. I feel up for it.

No, it's not that, really.

I'm just... I'm just really busy.

I'm working for Deborah, and...

also, I have another
super secret project

I'm not even actually
allowed to talk about,

and I'm not gonna have
a lot of free time.

Hey, that's not a problem.

I can gamble all day,
and then we can just

go out for dinner... or lunch, even.

- What time's your lunch break?
- Dad, I told you.

Writing is not, like,
a nine-to-five thing.

I don't have a lunch break.

I'm sorry. I can't.

Well, okay. All right.

Good thing I didn't buy
the... buy the flight.

Yeah.

Okay, well, I'll let
you get back to work.

Love you, bean.

Love you too.

Vance, you're on deck. Crowd is hot.

Everyone's crushing. No presh.

- Yo.
- Hey.

Great set. Crowd loved you.

- Thanks!
- Lesson learned for me.

I should start wearing low-cut shirts

if I want to do that well.

Well, you don't have
tits like mine, so...

Well, believe me.

I would do anything for your tits.

- 'Sup, bro?
- Oh, don't tell me

that's bitch-ass Jack
Junior up in the house.

Thanks so much. Good night.

All right.

Guys, keep it going
for Little Sammy, huh?

Let him hear it. Come on! Yeah.

Don't let him around your kids,
but that is one funny fucker.

All right, guys, we have a
special headliner tonight.

Don't get too excited.
It's not Chappelle.

A lot of people say she's a crazy woman,

but I'd never say that,

'cause I think the term
"crazy woman" is redundant.

You know?

It's like saying "free gift"
or "gay male flight attendant."

Right?

Anyway, she's got an incredible set,

and I think she's gonna
tell some jokes too.

So you know who she is. You love her.

Your great-aunt really loves her.

Make it loud for the OG female comedian,

Deborah Vance!

Thank you. Thank you.

That guy! What a comic.

I'm getting déjà vu.

Where is he? Drew, where are you?

Oh, there he is.

Hey, do you know who George Carlin is?

Hell yeah.

You remind me

of a turd he once left in a greenroom.

Tell me, when you take an STD test,

does it just say "yes"?

- Ooh!
- Uh-oh, I think she's got a crush on me!

Oh, there aren't enough
roofies in the world.

A horse tranq couldn't get
me to give you a high five.

I got a horse tranq guy if
you want to kick it later.

Ooh!

Mm, yeah. Funny guy, funny guy.

So let me tell you all
what's going on here.

He's pretending to flirt with me.

So I have two options.

I can, you know, shoot him
down and not play along,

but then I'm a bad sport and
not funny and a cold bitch,

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

And if I do that, then it's awkward,

and it's gonna be hard
to win you back, right?

Or I do play along,

which, let's face it, is easier,

and I'm sexualizing
myself on his terms...

that guy wearing the pleather hoodie.

It's real. It's real leather.

- It's real.
- So then my whole set

becomes entirely about a stranger

who I find disgusting.

God.

You know, no matter
how long you're away,

you come back, there's
always a Drew who's gonna

talk about your tits when
he brings you out onstage.

Death, taxes, and this fucking guy.

I wasn't gonna do this.

I was gonna try out
some new stuff tonight.

I didn't want to be
the butt of the joke.

Because, quite frankly,

I'm exhausted from beating
everybody else to the punch,

but then you came up
here and did it for me.

- Fuck you.
- Oh.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Why do you do that?

I don't know your set,

but I am sure that
you have nothing to say

that hasn't already been said
on this stage a million times.

When will you just stop?

Seriously, what will it
take to make you just stop?

69 million.

Right?

Yeah. Man, he's clever.

Well, no, I'm not gonna do that,

but how about...

1.69 million?

I'm not joking.

You're all my witnesses.

I will write this man a check

if he swears never to set foot
in a comedy club ever again.

You think he should take the deal?

- Are you for real?
- Yes.

Unless, you know, you think you're gonna

make more than that
from your comedy career.

I think he should take it.

- Take the money, bitch!
- Take it, bitch!

- All right.
- All right!

All right, Drew, come
on up here. Come on.

You guys are recording
this, right? Right?

I can't get rid of 'em all,
but I can get rid of one.

Okay, now, my very, very good lawyers

are gonna draw this all up.

And we'll shake on it. Okay?

I, Deborah Vance, will
give Drew $1.69 million

so long as he agrees to never
set foot on a stage ever again.

Come on.

Come on.

- Can I do a podcast?
- No.

And if you break the rules,
you pay me back double.

Do it.

Whoa!

Good for you, Drew.

Invest wisely, and you'll
never have to work again.

But if you do, I'm sure you'll be

the third-funniest guy in your office.

Now get the fuck off my stage.

Whoo!

Ugh, seriously.

That was... incredible.

No, it wasn't.

I was supposed to try
the new material tonight.

- I blew it.
- Oh, my God.

Who gives a fuck about the new material?

That was raw and honest.

You told the truth. It was amazing.

It did feel really fucking good.

Debbie.

Kathy.

Could we just talk for
just a few minutes, please?

Ava, wait in the car.

Holy shit.

Fuck, fuck, shit, oh,
my God, fuck, holy shit.

Fuck.

Shit.

How was that?

- Fine.
- Oh, great.

Watch out. Watch out, watch out!

Watch out! Slow down!

- Jesus Christ!
- Damn it!

- Deborah!
- I knew she'd move.

Never forgive, never forget, baby.

- Kayla?
- Oh, my God, sissy!

Oh, my God, I just
had a full conversation

with somebody who wasn't you.

So I had to FaceTime you. Hello.

Are you okay? Do you need help?

Why are you calling me? What...

Oh, God.

Do you know the British
show "The Bitter End"?

- Yeah, it's so good.
- Why?

So the creators are making a new show,

and I told them all about you

and your experience in Las Vegas,

and they want to meet you, girlfriend!

- Oh, my God!
- What?

That's amazing!

Can you believe? I'm like, okay,

I'm making things
happen for other people.

Wait, wait, you told them about me?

I mean, Jimmy told me
to take more initiative,

so I sent them your
stuff and they loved it.

They're, like, totally freaking out.

They want to meet you before they go...

Across the pond again.

Holy shit.

Yeah, so don't tell Jimmy,

but can you be in LA Friday morning?

Um...

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