All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine - Season 22 Episode 1

A monkey on both ends!
Now, there's a novelty.

CRASH!

"Message inside.

"Ring me now on the telephone.
Invite me round.

"Yours, Howard."

Now, who would have thought
that that was from Howard.

What's he feeding you on?

Can't you find summat useful to do?
I've tried that.

Useful is usually really boring.
You WERE going to tidy up
the wash-house.

How come you always think I'm lying
except when I promise to do
something like tidy the wash-house?

Life is so unfair, in't it?

It's one of the few pleasures
you can rely on.

Do you think I ought to leave the
house? Suppose I get a phone call?

Why should you?
Who's going to ring YOU?

At home...where your wife
might answer.

It could be someone trying to sell
me double glazing. If they've seen
you they'll know you'll buy it!

I've no idea what you mean.

I'm not saying I ALWAYS get phone
calls it's just sometimes you get
a feeling you MIGHT get a call.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? (..It's Norman Clegg.)

Right. Right.

He wants me to pop round.
I wonder what Cleggy wants?

Maybe to sell you double glazing.

It's funny how you knew
that phone were going to ring.

Do you think I could be psychic?
Psychiatric is closer.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah! It's...ah!

What a surprise(!) Come in, Howard.

I'm dying to learn why it is
I've invited you here.

You can understand how things are.
I have to plan things carefully.

I've never understood these
manoeuvres. I found marriage
tricky enough for TWO players.

Relax, Cleggy, you are in the hands
of a master.

AND I hate removing messages
from the navel of a monkey.

It's not the sort of thing a
neighbour should be required to do.

It's enough to reconcile you
to things like e-mail.

What's this? That's your badge.
Ba...?

Badge!?

If this entitles me to all
the facilities of Marina I refuse,
on the grounds of cowardice!

For the hiking club. You've just
started this hiking club.

I've started a hiking club?
It's just that it looks better
coming from you.

O.A.F?

The Outdoor Activities Fellowship.

Oaf. You've started something
called Oaf?

Oh, I never thought of that.
It's too late now,
I've had the badges printed.

I suppose there are ladies in this
club? Well, you have to have ladies.

It's against the law
not to have ladies these days.

It's not against the law not
to have the kind of ladies YOU have.

I think the club ought to be open
to anyone keen on healthy outdoor
activities.

Oh, I understand she's keen on that,
all right.

How does that look, Cleggy?

You're wearing a badge that says
Oaf. It looks just right, Howard.

Now I can go home and tell Pearl
that you've just enrolled me into
your Outdoor Activities Fellowship.

An organisation
to which I'm proud to belong.

Morning, Billy.
Ah, Truly. Just the man!
Tha were at school same time as me.

It turned out some real brainboxes,
didn't it? I don't think any of us
went on to split the atom.

Trousers. We could split trousers.
There were this lad
we called Squirm.

I'm trying to remember
his real name.

Well, what did he look like?
Just a general description.

Like the rest of us -
short-haired and scruffy.

The old school uniform. I remember
it well. Why did we call him Squirm?

He were always doing this.

I used to arrest people in Soho
for actions like that.
Why did he do that?

Woolly underwear. Cast thee mind
back. Woolly vest and underpants
were killers.

The very thought of it
made you want to...

Makes you wonder how many kids died
from too woolly underwear.

Oh, we've certainly come
to the right place, Waldo.

Oh, hello, Tom. We've heard the
rumours but I admire the honesty.

Here, you! What's this?
Why did you take it down?
It makes it more believable.

You, Howard, are unbelievable!
I think your cap
must be stressing you out.

Why do you walk about
with that dead dog?

Look who's talking. I've heard your
missis asking the same question.

How are you, Mrs Batty?

Quite well, thank you,
Mrs Simmonite.

It's Avery, Mrs Batty. Mrs Avery.

In MY day it would have
been Simmonite.

SWISHING

School? You remember, Smiler?

That place where we all went
to catch impetigo.
You remember school, Smiler,

you were tallest in the class. We
climbed you to get up conker trees.
Course I remember school.

Does tha remember a lad
called Squirm?

Is this a trick question?

I don't do trick questions. They
make your brain ache. That must be
a comfort, just knowing it's there.

All we're asking is, do you remember
a lad called Squirm? And if so,
what was his real name?

I don't remember any Squirm.

He were always doing this.

No, it was more...

No, no, no, in, in my opinion
it was more, er...

Can you hear the music?
Or have I just gone deaf?

Come on, Smiler, tha must remember
Squirm. What was his real name?

Squirm? A lad they used to call
Squirm? He was a Munsey.
Came from Upperthong.

His grandfather kept a parakeet.
Why do you want to know?

You just wonder
what happened to people.

Their Clarence went to Australia.
Looking for another parakeet,
I shouldn't wonder.

Yes, they've settled in.
Well, SHE's settled in. I've rarely
seen anybody MORE settled in.

Well, she's certainly tidied
things up.

Not everything. She's still an Avery
and he's a Simmonite.

These days they don't stay together
long enough to learn
each other's names!

She's quite fanatical about
her polishing. She goes overboard.

Who'd have thought to see that house
in such sparkling condition? Oh,
it doesn't seem natural, somehow.

They should have kept it scruffy,
as a historical monument.

Hey, she was in yesterday.

She comes in regular.

Not with him. Sometimes with him.

He smiles a lot. That's not right.
Yes, you can always
tell when they smile a lot.

The decent ones are much more
miserable. Oh, you get
some funny people in here.

They're funny before they came in.
It's a funny world these days.

I get a lot more trade when they're
between marriages and the men are
having to eat out a lot.

I'm not saying that I approve,
but my bank manager's much happier.

I know how you feel.

I think Tom's getting restless.

Nobody's moved
for the last twenty minutes.

If you'd kept quiet
we were going for thirty.

Is this what you do? You just
wander around at speeds like this?

Oh, we're not always this active.
Quite often we just take it easy.

Relax, tha'll have a coronary.

You could drop dead round here
and nobody'd notice the difference.

That's true. There was a dead
Mr Coultard didn't get spotted
'til a week the following Thursday.

To be fair,
he was wearing a cap.

And he was in a queue
at the Post Office.

And even then those closest to him
didn't believe it.
Claimed that was normal.

You're going to have to adjust
if you want to settle down here.

Settle down? I never thought
I'd be as settled down.

Ever since we got the house
there's been no stopping
my associate, Mrs Avery.

She led me to believe
that she was a wild,
untameable free spirit.

Now look at her.
She's gone domestic mad.

When I left her she was turning her
hand to filo pastry.

I used to be a nomad,
a-a hunter/gatherer. Now look at me.

A permanent address,
surrounded by filo pastry.

I know what you mean. I get
these urges for the wild woods.

Of course, I'M a direct descendant
of Robin Hood.

It's true.

I don't think I'd ever be
comfortable with
a wild, untameable free spirit.

Takes practice. It's all in the grip.

It was bad enough when that ladies'
hockey player showed me her scar.

The house is spotless. She made me
throw away so much old stuff.

I don't know what I would have done
if Barry hadn't let me keep
a few things in his garage.

They get you used to spotless,
then even if you meet Maid Marian
you'll be back with your washing.

Tom.

SPLASH!

Aaaah!
CRASH!

Barry! What is it, love?

Nothing's happened to the new car?
Nothing's happened to the new car.

There's a goat in our garage.

There's a what?
There's a goat in the garage.

How can there be a goat in the ga...
Oh, you, you're having me on.

A real goat? A real goat.
What do you know about it, Barry?

Tom Simmonite asked if he could put
things in our garage. Things? It's
a goat! I thought it'd be boxes.

Get rid of it, Barry.
How do I get...? Now! Goat.

Brush up your goat, Barry.

Don't open the door too wide. Don't
let it get out. All right. So...

I grab this goat.
Then what do I do with it?

You put a lead on it and take it
back to Mr Simmonite. ..OK.

How big a goat?

GOAT BLEATS
Wow! Big goat.

Just do it, Barry.

Oh, oh, come, come here!
Come, let me grab... Oh!

Don't PLAY with it, get hold of it.

Ouch!

Mrs Simmonite?

There IS no Mrs Simmonite.
Or let's put it this way,
if there is, I'll kill him.

Well, the fact is,
I'm looking for Mr Simmonite.

I know the feeling.
We believe he now lives
at this address.

He does. And we're not moving again.

Well, Mr Simmonite is behind
on his payments on several items and
I'd very much like a word with him.

Who?
Mr Simmonite.
Never heard of him.

When will he be in?

How DARE you come round here
bothering a poor old widow woman
who lives alone.

OK. We've come this far, now
what? We all enjoy the view.
You're not even looking at the view.

You're having a zonk.

To the casual observer it could look
like we're having a zonk. It does.

It really looks like
you're having a zonk.

Wouldn't fool
the trained police observer.

He'd notice that while our eyes may
appear to be closed,

we're squinting against the sun
while admiring the view.

You can't see the view from there.

We're long-sighted. Especially
Billy. Look how long he is.

We think it's because his legs
never knew when to stop.

The missis has a mouth like that.

Maybe she got the idea
from your legs.

Oh damn! Don't say
it's self-inflicted.

All right. Done this. What's next?

He's sensation mad. Hyperactive!

Hyperactive? Feels more like
rigor mortis. Just like his father.

Couldn't keep still. You only had to
look at the wear in his trousers,
although it wasn't advisable.

He did a lot of his training
opposite Nora Batty's brush.
A little dynamo.

He would be. It's in the blood.
I've got his genes.

My God, man, you can't wear those.

His chromosomes.

You can't have,
else you'd be climbing that tree.

He'd climb that? Makes you wonder
if Tarzan didn't come from here.

He could never resist a tree.
Come to think of it,
he could never resist anything.

Did he ever fall?

Oh, yes, he often used to fall.
Said it was half the fun.

Course, you have to have
a gift for it. It's not something
anybody can do.

Somebody hold Waldo.

Aah. Does he bite?

Come on. That's a good goat.

See, I'm just taking you home.
I'm not going to hurt you.

Now, no, no, this way, this way.
This way.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, no!

Hey, where are you...! No! No...!

CRASH!

I told you I could do it.
He'd be proud of you.

We all are.

Good view is it? It's high, up here.

Yes, he noticed that.

How did he get down? Oh, I shouldn't
follow in his footsteps there.

Ah, ah, he was better at going up.

Having said that,
he was faster coming down.

I think I'm stuck.

Yes, he used to say that.
Just like his father.

It's uncanny.

Can someone get me down?

Hang on a minute. Hold on! Whoa.

What have you got there, Barry?

It's a goat, Mr Pegden.
Looks more like it's got you.

Could I leave him in your shed,
until I have a word with Tom?

You can leave him in
if you can get him in.

BANGING
Hold it. Hold it.

I AM trying to hold it, Mr Pegden.

METALLIC CRASH

It's not short of acceleration.

METALLIC THUMPING

Sounds like the main bearing's gone.

THUMPING CONTINUES

I wonder if you could direct me.
I'm looking for a Mr Pegden.
Mr Pegden, Mr Wesley Pegden. Aye.

I've just come from there.
Now, follow me, it's just here.

Come on.

Come on.

Get in.

What are you doing with Tom's goat
anyway? I'm trying to give it back
to him. We'd better go and find him.

Mr Pegden? Yes? Oh, have I had
trouble finding you.

I was told you might know
the whereabouts of
a Mr Tom Simmonite.

We're just
going his way. You're in luck, lad.
Ah, I've heard that before.

I wonder if I might follow you
in my vehicle. Certainly, lad.
Any friend of Tom's...

Ah, Wesley. Bring your ladder. We
need to rescue Tom. Where is he?

Some fool talked him into
climbing up a tree.

Here, who's that?

Friend of Tom's.
He's coming with us.

Oh, not only a rescue,
but a reunion.

Two reunions. He's going to get
his goat back.

Why the Park, Howard? Well, I want
to try this little ploy.

Mother warned me about this. I just
didn't think it would take so long.

It's a little trick I've got up
my sleeve. The mind boggles.

I know this is a public place,
but if we see anybody coming
that might know us,

we use the binocular defence.

You see? A little innocent
bird-watching.

And nobody but nobody
can see your face.

That's it, Howard? That's the ploy?

That's the trick you've got up
your sleeve?

I know you're thinking what a
terrifying natural cunning I have,
but don't worry,

I've sworn only to use it
for peaceful purposes.
Look out! Eli's coming.

(What do we do now, Howard?
Just keep it up.

(At least he never recognised us.)

What are we looking at, Eli?

Beats me. You'd
better ask Howard and Marina.

I hope my Barry's all right. He's
out somewhere with a nanny goat.
I expect mine is too.

Couldn't you suggest a hamster?

There seems to be a link
between men and other creatures.

You just wish they wouldn't bring
it in on their shoes.
I think some women are just as daft.

They treat their pets better than
their husbands.

I don't find that so hard to
understand. And SHE'll know.
She's treated plenty of husbands.

It's just a shame that some of 'em
weren't her own. Oh, Edie.

If they're only on loan,
you don't have to keep
putting paper down.

How do you mean?
Drink your coffee.

I used to think I'd like summat that
would be a source of amusement.

Then I realised I'd got one.

I occasionally get asked for goat's
milk. What do you tell 'em?

I tell 'em to sit down.
They'll be asking for a gypsy
with a fiddle next.

Should your Barry be out with goats
when he works for a building society?
He's just returning it to its owner.

I wish mine would.

He's just like his father. Never
could get down. I'm not going up
again. ..Who's that?

Friend of yours, looking for you.

Mr Simmonite? I'm from
the collection agency.

Oh heck, it's the repo man.
Nice friends you are.

Where's he going now? It's a matter
of £314.17, Mr Simmonite.

Just like his father.

I feel a fool holding this dead dog.

Why don't we put Waldo down...

em...somewhere unsafe.

Oh, Waldo.

I'd no idea.

I never even felt a bump.

If there's anything I can do?

Just go.

Pretend you've never seen me,
I'll try to forget.

It's Pearl and that lot.

We'll have to hide in Wesley's shed.

Oh! Oh, Howard!

Get it off! It's all right, Marina.

Oh, Howard, quickly!

I'm trying!

BLEATING

Just helping that lady
catch her goat.

Subtitles by Subtitling Unit,
BBC Scotland. 2001.

email us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk