All language subtitles for Jeff.Foxworthy.The.Jokes.on.Me.2026.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE.eng

(audience cheering
and applauding)

(gentle music)

(audience cheering
and applauding)

- [jeff] thank you
so much. Thank you.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

The moment a comedian
finishes a special

Can only be celebrated briefly

Because of the realization

That the cupboard
is once again bare

And it's gonna take years
to fill it up again.

(dramatic orchestra music)

I'm not saying this so anybody
will feel sorry for us.

(dramatic orchestra music)

I'm telling you this as a
love letter to comedians

Because when you watch
a comedy special,

You're watching the harvest
of years of hard work.

(switch clacks)

There's no formula,
there's no textbook.

It's just trial and error

And the joyful grind.

(dramatic orchestra music)

But for those that are
willing to put in the work,

The payoff makes
it all worthwhile.

- [announcer] ladies
and gentlemen,

Please welcome to the
stage jeff foxworthy.

- You never have
to get a real job.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

Wow.

Thank you.

(audience continue
cheering and applauding)

Thank you very much.

(audience continue
cheering and applauding)

Too kind. Thank you so much.

That is awesome.

Everybody doing good?

- [audience member] yep.

- Well, we gotta
start this somewhere.

This is as good as any place.

So y'all, this
has happened to me

Like 12 times in the
last two or three months

And it happened again Saturday.

I'm in the airport. I'm
in the airport a lot.

Lady comes up to me,
she goes, "excuse me."

She goes, "do you know
who you look like?"

(audience laughing)

And I said, "I think so."

And she said, "sam elliott."

(audience laughing
and applauding)

Which I guess if you have
to look like somebody,

You could do a lot worse, right?

The ladies, ladies like sam.

She could have said danny
devito or something,

But it, I think it's, I
never used to get that.

I think it's the gray
hair and the gray mustache

And the fact that I walk around

And say, "coors,
the banquet beer."

(audience laughing)

Might have something
to do with it.

But I'm good with that.
I'm cool with that.

The only thing that
bothers me is I'm 67

And sam is 82 years old, so.

(audience laughing)

Maybe I need to moisturize
or something, but.

And if he was here
tonight, he would tell you

Both of us have passed
the apex of our splendor.

It's a new season of life

But I love this season of life.

This is my favorite
season of life ever.

And I tell my kids
that all the time.

I said, I miss my
30-year-old body,

But boy, I would not
trade my 67-year-old

Mind and soul to get it back.

I love this season of life.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

And you do, when
you get to this age,

You do for the first time
you start thinking about

What might lie ahead.

And science has taught us this.

Like, we know now
if you eat junk food

And you sit in the recliner

And you watch tv, what's
going to happen to you?

You're gonna die, right?

(audience laughing)

Conversely, if you
will eat healthy

And work out every day,
you're going to die.

(audience laughing)

You just get a few years
tacked on at the end

And I have seen the years
that get tacked on at the end

And it ain't a great
advertisement for it.

(audience laughing)

You got the wheelchair posse

In the lobby of
the nursing home.

Everybody looks like they're
about to get their teeth clean.

They're like.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

And you know, they're thinking,

I ate kale and bean
sprouts for this.

(audience laughing)

Yeah, extended checkout
is great at a hotel,

Not so much in life, man.

And you know they don't
want to be that way

And they'll tell you that.

They're like, "man, I
don't wanna be a burden."

And usually by the time
they say the word burden,

You're so far past burden,

(audience laughing)

You can't see it in the
rear view mirror, you know?

But they're like, "oh honey,
I'm sorry I'm such a burden."

Like, "mama, you not a burden."

Now, lean over just a little
bit so I can wipe your ass.

(audience laughing)

(audience continue laughing)

(audience applauding)

And you know how to tell when
somebody has been a burden

Is when they pass away,

When you see their relatives
at the funeral home

And you go up to them and go,

"oh, we're so sorry
about your mother."

And they go, "it
was a blessing."

(audience laughing)

Oh, was it a blessing.

B-l-e-s-s-I-n-g. Blessing.

Listen, after the service,

If y'all like to come
back to the house,

We're gonna have a little food

And a dj and some fireworks.

(audience laughing)

So hopefully I got a few years

Before I have to
worry about that.

And in the meantime, I'm just
trying to age gracefully,

You know, be age appropriate

'cause a lot of people
do not age gracefully.

A lot of people
fight it like crazy,

Like with cosmetic surgery.

Now I have a cousin, y'all.

I don't know what she
has done to her lips.

(audience laughing)

Her lips look like the
business end of a plunger.

(audience laughing)

Seriously, like you
could push her face

Against the sliding glass door

And she couldn't
get off, you know?

(audience laughing
and applauding)

And she has had
so many facelift,

Her face is stretched so tight,

Her ears are on the
back of her head

And you can't sneak up on her.

It's impossible.

(audience laughing)

Out of all the
procedures she's had,

This is the craziest one though.

She, at the age of 60
for her 60th birthday,

Her husband bought
her a boob job

And they got their
money's worth.

(audience laughing)

She did not puff up
the empty mittens.

I mean these things
are zeppelins.

(audience laughing)

Like, you know how some women
will stick their cell phone

In their cleavage, she
puts her laptop in there.

(audience laughing)

And I'm like, you know,

I don't care if somebody
gets a boob job.

I'm just thinking if
you were going to do it,

Why wait till you're 60?

That's like building
a giant deck

Onto a condemned house.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

Some people just get
mad about getting older.

I had an uncle joe
that was like that.

It just made him
mad that he was old.

And a few years
ago at thanksgiving

He announced to the
table, he goes, "listen."

He goes, "before y'all
put me in a nursing home,

I'd rather you just kill me.

Take me out in the woods,

Make it look like a
hunting accident."

(audience laughing)

What?

(audience laughing)

Like the detective's not
gonna be out there going,

"so will somebody explain to me

How he got into the deer
staying in a wheelchair?"

(audience laughing)

But god bless my cousins.

When it came time to put him
in a home, they didn't do it.

Nope, they just
all flew to Spain

And let him run with the bulls.

(audience laughing)

Boy, he was in the chair.

It was more like
rolling with the bulls,

But they didn't have
to commit murder

And he went out tiktok famous
so everybody was happy, so.

And some people just
surrender to it.

They don't fight it at all.

We've all seen those people that

They they're walking
down the driveway

To go get the mail
wearing nothing

But a pair of boxer shorts

And their kids are running
out of the house going,

"mother, come back in here!"

(audience laughing)

Hell, some people
get so desperate to
look young and cool,

They agree to do another
comedy special, that that.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

Crazy.

(audience continue
cheering and applauding)

(engines buzzing)

This is a different
kind of show tonight.

So, you're gonna be glad
you came eventually.

(audience laughing)

So, what I'm doing, I got a
couple of people that offered me

To do another comedy special

And I said, "how
long do you want it?"

And they said, "60 minutes."

And I said, "I'm
not interested."

Because for a
comedian to come up

With 60 new minutes of material

Takes at least a year of
being on stage every night

To generate another,

Your goal should be like a
minute a week of something

That everybody's gonna
laugh at every time.

I said I'm not
interested in doing that.

I enjoy hanging out with my kids

And my grandkids too much

And I'm just, I've
done it too many times.

I said, but you've seen shows

Where like bands like
the beatles thing

Or the billy joel thing,

Like how they wrote their songs
said if you would do that,

Like what goes into the
process to make a special,

I would be interested.

And when I hung up the
phone, my wife looked at me,

She goes, "all I'm gonna
say is the last special

When you walked off stage,
you said never again.

That was it."
(audience laughing)

I said, "don't worry baby,

They're not gonna
agree to this."

(audience laughing)

So where were we?

(audience cheering
and applauding)

Like I said, I'm just
trying to exit gracefully,

I'm at the stage right now
where all I'm trying to do

Is not be the guy
with the pee spot

On the front of his pants.

(audience laughing)

And let me tell you
how that happens

In defense of these guys.

You know like when you go
to fill your car up with gas

And you'll put the nozzle
in, then you kinda lock it

And it pumps the gas while you
check your phone or whatever.

And then when the car's full,

That nozzle will
click telling you

There's no more gas in the hose.

It's safe to take it out.

And then every once in a
while you pull the nozzle out

And it will leak all
down the side of the car

And on your shoes.

That's the same
thing that happens

With us older guys when we pee

(audience laughing)

Is every once in a
while we're like,

You liar.

(audience laughing)

Dadgummit.

The hose was not empty.

(audience laughing)

Then you gotta come out of
the bathroom with the lie.

I was trying to wash my hands

And the sink kicked
back all over the place

And made one spot right there.

(audience laughing)

You hear a lot of people
gripe about getting old.

I try to look at the
positive side of getting old

'cause there's a ton
of positives to it.

Like you no longer have
to worry about fashion.

You don't have to
try to dress cool,

You just have to put clothes on.

(audience laughing)

Seriously, you can
go in the closet,

You don't have to
turn on the light.

You come out in a pair
of orange sweatpants

And a purple hawaiian shirt.

Do they go together?
They do today.

(audience laughing)

Put on some green socks,
slip into those sketchers

And let's go kill the
afternoon at costco.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

And we won't have to eat dinner.

We'll just fill up on the
free samples, you know?

And speaking of dinner,

That's another great
thing about getting older.

At the time my wife and I
go out to eat dinner now,

Restaurants are never crowded.

(audience laughing)

A lot of them aren't
even open yet,

But they're never crowded.

When I was younger and
we used to have parties

Who always used to
have to worry about

The police showing up.

I think I did a bit
about that 30 years ago

About standing on
the porch going,

"welcome back, officer mitchell!

I thought you said you
didn't wanna come back

Out here again tonight?

(audience laughing)

Hey listen, if I lay
down on the ground,

Will you draw my picture

With that little
chalk you all have?"

(audience laughing)

But once you get older,
you don't have to worry

About the cops
coming to your party.

Hell, if we have a flashing
light in the driveway,

It's probably an ambulance.

(audience laughing)

Teaching you don't play twister
with people in their 80s.

(audience laughing)

Who knew left foot green was
gonna end up in a broken hip.

I mean, it happened.

(audience laughing)

You know what else is
cool about getting older?

When I was young
I had fomo so bad.

You know what fomo is?
The fear of missing out.

Man, if people called me

And they were going
somewhere to do something,

I didn't care where it
was, what time it was,

I wanted to be a part of it

And I would probably
have a lot fewer scars,

A lot more money,

And a lot cleaner police record

If I had missed
some of that stuff.

But now that I've gotten older,

I don't have fear of
missing out anymore.

Now I have the hope
of missing out.

(audience laughing)

I've gone from fomo to homo.

(audience laughing)

And if you're not okay with
that, that's your problem, so.

(audience laughing)

Other cool thing
about getting older,

I don't have to learn
complicated technology.

A lot of people in my
generation decided long ago

We're gonna learn
enough technology

To play words with friends

And then we shall go no further.

(audience laughing)

No, I don't have to learn
how to do any of that stuff.

I just have to wait
till my kids come over

And I have them do it for me.

And my kids are like,

"my parents can't do
anything technical.

They are so dumb for real."

And we're like, "my kids
do it for me for free."

(audience laughing)

They are so dumb for real.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

Some things I can't do anymore

And I'll be honest about that.

I can no longer go in a
victoria's secret store.

(audience laughing)

I mean legally I can

But if I do, the clerk
reaches under the counter

And hits the pervert
alert button, you know.

(audience laughing)

'cause there's no
reason for an old guy

To be in a victoria's secret.

It's not like they
have a meemaw section

We can peruse over there.

(audience laughing)

They don't have pushup bras,

They have forklift
brass over there.

(audience laughing)

Selling thongs so big you
could use them as catapults.

(audience laughing)

And I shouldn't have to
say this, but I'm going to.

Just because they sell
a thong in your size

(audience laughing)

Doesn't mean you should
buy a thong in your size.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

You take the lid off of
a tub of cottage cheese

And stare at it,

You're not gonna
make it any prettier

By laying a colorful ribbon
down the middle of it.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

Let that be your
last visual image

As you're going to sleep
tonight. (chuckles)

I kinda hate that
I can't go in there

'cause I used to love to
watch my wife, you know,

Saunter around in her underwear,

Which is totally a male thing.

You know, I don't think
that works both ways.

(audience laughing)

Pretty sure women aren't
watching their husband

Waddle out of the bathroom
in his tidy whitey and going,

You know what?

I don't care if I
am late to work,

I am not leaving this
house till I snap me off

A piece of that kit kat bar.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

I mean, you reached the age,
or at least my wife did,

Where she's like, "I
don't want that stuff."

Now if she's looking for
something to sleep in for me,

It's one of my old t-shirts
and my hunting socks

And I can still make that work

(audience laughing)

Like the naughty camper in
tent number six, you know?

(audience laughing)

The only thing I can't do

And because in the
last few years,

Every once in a while she will
come out with one of those

Facial mask, like the whole,

She looks like jason
from "Friday the 13th"

Standing in the bathroom door.

(audience laughing)

And seriously, guys,
you may not know this,

But if you'll take your
wife's picture like that

And send it to viagra,

They will give you your money
back, no questions asked.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

Poor guy never had a chance.

(audience laughing)

In sex does change a little
bit as you get older.

Now getting lucky
means you fall asleep

Before your partner so their
snoring doesn't keep you awake.

(audience laughing)

But as you age, you're not
as limber as you used to be.

Your back goes out easy.

And so what my wife has
found that works for us,

We use the I know
you would method,

Which is I'll walk
into the bedroom

And look at her in
the bed and I go,

"boy, if I was 30 years younger,

I would make your toes
curl tonight, girl."

And she goes, "I
know you would."

(audience laughing)

Then we smoke a cigarette
and go to sleep.

It's nice (indistinct).

(audience laughing)

Very good like that.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

Okay.

When you're young,
sex is strenuous

But when you get old,
you convert to, I
know you would sex.

That's when I climb into
bed and look at my wife

And go, "if I was
30 years younger,

I'd curl your toes tonight."

(audience laughing)

And she goes, "I know
you would, baby."

(audience laughing)

And we just smoke a
cigarette and go to sleep.

(audience laughing)

All right, I just thought
of that this afternoon.

- See you later.
- Silver.

- Silver?

I need to reword
it or something?

- [audience member]
no, no. Silver.

- Huh?
- Silver.

- [audience member] silver.

- Silver.
- Build up to it, okay.

- [audience member]
keep working it.

- Keep working it.

(audience laughing)

If your wedding
entertainment was a boombox

And your drunk aunt,

(audience laughing)

- [audience members] no.

- If one of your groomsmen in
your wedding was your monkey.

(audience laughing)

Sometimes things don't work

Because I don't
set it up properly.

And then, you know, you're
left at the end of the night

Going, is it actually funny
and I didn't set it up right?

Or maybe it's not funny.

But I will end this night
staring at the ceiling

Thinking about the things
that I say up there.

(audience laughing)

Here is the cool thing.

As you lose your desire
and passion for sex,

You get replaced with a
desire and passion for coffee.

(audience laughing)

In fact, do you know
the difference between
coffee and sex?

One of them you'll get
into bed thinking about it.

You fantasize about having it
in a car, in a public place,

With different people.

And the other one is sex.

(audience laughing)

Coffee's better than sex.

Seriously, if it's not
as hot as you want it,

You can just put it in the
microwave and make it hot.

(audience laughing)

If you have another
man's coffee,

He's probably not gonna
shoot you for doing it.

(audience laughing)

And if the grind isn't
just like you like it,

It's still good.

(audience laughing)

(audience cheering
and applauding)

We've reached the point in like,

My wife and I have now
been married 40 years

And I, thank you.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

I would not be here tonight,

I would not be
where I am in life

Without this awesome woman.

And we've spent people say,

How do you stay
married that long?

We just talk to each other,
morning, noon, and night.

And it used to be, we'd say
things to each other like,

"baby, you are so
hot in a smoke show."

Other night she came up and
put her hands on my face

And she said, "you have a hair
in the middle of your nose

That has got to be
two inches long."

(audience laughing)

So we still critique each other,

It's just gotten
a little harsher.

(audience laughing)

Like both of us believe the
other one can't hear a thing.

And not long ago we were
watching tv one night

And I asked her a question
about somebody in the show

And she never responded.

She's just watching.

So, I say it again a
little bit louder, nothing.

And finally a lot louder.

I said, "you need to
get hearing aids."

And she goes, "why would I
need to get earrings made?"

(audience laughing)

I just won. I just won, I won.

(audience applauding)

But she thinks I'm the
one that can't hear.

And if she truly
believes I can't hear,

Why in the world
does she talk to me

From the other
side of the house?

(audience laughing)

I mean that's just cruel.

Why not go to stevie
wonder's house

And rearrange the furniture
while you're at it?

(audience laughing)

But I'll be at home, I'll
be in my office working

And I can hear her talking to me

And I have no idea
what she's saying.

And the dog's in there with me.

And I go, "you have supersonic
hearing what she's saying?"

And he's like, "hell, I don't
know, it's four rooms away."

So, I will stop what I'm doing,

Get up, walk across the house,

And I say this
every single time.

Walking into the kitchen
and I go, "listen,

If you can't see me,
I can't hear you."

(audience laughing)

And she will say, "well,
I thought you were

Standing right there."

(audience laughing)

And I'm like, oh
lord, she's blind too.

(audience laughing)

I'm married to helen
keller for crying out loud.

(audience laughing)

But I don't say that.

I said, "okay honey,
I'm here now."

I said, "what were
you saying to me?"

She said, "I was asking you
if you like the potatoes

That I made for
thanksgiving last year."

(audience laughing)

I no more remember
those potatoes

Than I remember
the day I was born.

(audience laughing)

But we have accumulated
substantial wealth

And I don't wanna split it, so.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

What I say to her
is, "oh my word,

Those were the best
potatoes I have ever eaten

In my entire life.

In fact, I've had a
dream a couple of times

Where I'm naked in a
bathtub of those potatoes.

Somebody gives me a fork
and I eat my way out of it."

(audience laughing)

And she's like, "well good,

'cause I think I'm
gonna make them

For thanksgiving
again this year."

(audience laughing)

And I'm like, great,
because it's February

And we don't wanna put big
decisions like that off

Till the last minute.

(audience laughing)

Gonna go back to work now.

(audience laughing)

And in the interest of fair
and balanced reporting,

I drive her crazy too.

I do because I cannot find
anything in our house.

And she is like the
house librarian.

She knows where everything is.

And so, not long ago
I was in the kitchen,

I was making a sandwich,
honey-baked ham sandwich.

Well, you gotta have mustard

On a honey-baked ham sandwich.

Open the refrigerator,
there's no mustard.

Nowhere.

I looked in the door,
the racks, nowhere.

And I yell, "are
we out of mustard?"

And she's like, "no, it's in
the refrigerator second shelf."

And I'm looking at
the second shelf,

There is no mustard
on the shelf.

And I said, "I'm looking
at the second shelf,

There's no mustard."

And then I hear, (sighs heavily)

(audience laughing)

Which is recognizable

'cause that's the sound I made

When she was talking to
me from four rooms away.

And I hear her coming
down the stairs

And I know she's not happy.

And she walks behind me,

Reaches around me
onto the second shelf.

And y'all, I don't
know how she did this,

(audience laughing)

But in david copperfield
fashion, she goes.

(audience laughing)

And there was mustard.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

And a white dove
flew out of her hand

And landed in the
living room ceiling fan.

And as she's walking away,

I mean I'm like,
that wasn't there.

And as she's walking
away, I hear her say,

"you need to get
your vision checked."

(audience laughing)

And I said, "what
incision checked?"

(audience laughing)

Maybe we're made for each
other. I don't know, so.

(crowd chattering)

Did you get something to eat?

- Yeah. You okay?

(crowd chattering)

- All right, so I got
some getting older jokes.

I don't know whether
they'll work or not.

So y'all, this is our,
always been in my system.

I have no idea why
I do it this way.

I've never known another
comedian to do it this way.

But I've always felt
like the audience knows

What's funny and what's not.

So I came up with three boxes.

I've got gold, silver,

And certificate of appearance.

(audience laughing)

So I'm gonna let y'all
tell me what they go in.

When you get older, do
you know the difference

Between sex and a cup of coffee?

You never turn down
a cup of coffee.

(audience laughing)

- [audience member] silver.

- Silver? Okay.

- Silver.
- A tie.

- I saw jeff his very
first time on stage

At the punchline in atlanta.

He was in a contest

And he was so funny.

He cracked me up and I thought
he was really cute and-

- I knew an hour
into the first date.

I was like, oh crap,
I'm gonna marry her.

Sometimes I think
about the word muse

And I'm like, yeah, she's a
muse but that doesn't cover it.

She's also my best friend.

And you know, it's like
we just, we met each other

And we became our
own little thing.

- When jeff first started
doing the standup,

There were comedians
that would say,

Men do this and women do this.

And jeff, when he first started,

That was kind of what
he started out doing.

And I said, well, I get
offended if they say,

Well, women do this

And it's not
something that I do.

That's just categorizing
women or categorizing men.

And I said, make it me.

Make it your wife.

And then if people relate,
then they'll laugh.

Jeff's writing
process has evolved.

It started out early on
notes, like notes on napkins,

Then progressed to
three by five cards.

I find note cards under chairs,
random on top of tables,

On the nightstand,
on the kitchen count.

You know, there'll be one or two

And I have to go up to him and
go, "is this one important?"

- [jeff] I spent half my
life picking up note cards

Off the floor.

(melancholic music)

If I was gonna do something,

I wanted to be
really good at it.

- [gregg] he's very competitive.

- I was always nice
and respectful and
I would do my time,

But I didn't care who
went up in front of me.

I don't care if you work dirty,

I don't care if you work clean,

I'm gonna be funnier than
you when I get my 15 minutes.

(audience laughing)

I had a cool thing
about getting older,

You don't get
embarrassed like you did

When you were younger.

Like when you're younger

And you accidentally
fart in public,

You're mortified

'cause you know everybody's
gonna laugh at you

And they're gonna bring
it up for years to come.

And every time they talk about

They're gonna
laugh at you again.

Now nobody laughs at us.

(audience laughing)

They just roll their
eyes, shake their head,

And keep listening
to the sermon.

(audience laughing)

And we're not wearing
our hearing aids

So we think it was an sbd.

You know, I'm like.

(audience laughing)

The other cool thing
is you can start to say

What you think again, you
know, kinda like little kids.

If you think it, you can say it

'cause for a long time in
your life you couldn't say it

'cause you might get fired

Or you know, you
might get canceled.

But now when I think
somebody's weird,

I just say I think
they're weird.

(audience laughing)

Like I was doing a corporate
show in dallas, texas

Several months ago

And in the lobby they
had a big sign on a stand

And it said welcome
footman convention.

And I'm like, what
in the world is that?

So I went over to
the desk, I said,

"what is a footman convention?

And the lady said, "oh, that's
men that have foot fetishes."

(audience laughing)

I said, I didn't know there
was that many of them.

(audience laughing)

They have a convention.

Any guy here of the end of feet.

(audience laughing)

No?

I just wanna ask
one of those guys.

I just wanna just look
him in the eyes and go,

"have you seen boobs?"

(audience laughing
and applauding)

'cause they're really good.

(audience laughing)

And I just think it's weird
that what they call lingerie,

I call a flip flop.

(audience laughing)

Tell you who else
I think is weird,

People that have like
50 bumper stickers

On the back of their car.

I just see that and I go, does
nobody listen to you at home?

(audience laughing)

And it doesn't
matter 'cause it's,

They're either one far side
of the spectrum or the other.

They're either super liberal
or super conservative.

Like you'll have some people
that have the bumper sticker

That says, my child is my cat.

And then the other one
has the bumper sticker

That says my child can whip
your honor student's ass

And can we just meet in the
middle somewhere please?

I just don't think I
need to know your opinion

About every political,
social, and religious issue

(audience cheering
and applauding)

- [audience member] yeah!

(audience continue
cheering and applauding)

- Just because I
pull up behind you

At a red light (indistinct).

Well, I know where they stand.

(audience laughing)

George carlin, louie anderson,

Tim conway, david letterman,

Steve martin, richard
pryor, johnny carson,

Leno obviously, seinfeld,

You know, milton berle,

It was just kinda cool
like seinfeld's like,

"why am I signing a
baseball? We're both comics."

Phyllis diller, mel brooks.

But it just seemed
like an unusual way

To display some of your heroes.

- [director] what's your
favorite baseball of all?

What's the prize
in the collection?

- Nobody has ever asked me that.

Maybe johnny carson 'cause
that was the first night

I was on "the tonight show,"

Which, that's my
favorite moment in comedy

Because I not only got called
to the couch, I made him laugh

And I have proof
of it right there.

"to jeff, thanks.
Johnny carson."

Probably not a lot
of those out there.

(melancholic music)

I wanted to be the best.
I gotta work at this.

I did over 500 shows a year.

You do it every night,
you do it twice a night,

You do it three times a night.

(melancholic music)

My dad left, so I didn't want
my family to ever feel that.

I was on the road a lot

But I would charter a
plane and I would fly home

Right after the show and get
up and take them to school.

(melancholic music)

I looked back, I didn't sleep

A whole lot.
- No you didn't.

(melancholic music)

- It was life-consuming.

(melancholic music)

Since I started
this, my fear was

I don't wanna be
the old guy on stage

That's not funny anymore.

And I would say to my wife,
"tell me when I'm not fun."

And she would always say to me,

"if you'll listen
closely, you'll know.

They'll tell you."

And so, I guess we're
about to find out

If I got one more
rodeo in me or not.

So let me tell you
that the story,

This is one of the new
things I wanna tell them

The special how it happened.

Like, and I don't quite
know how to get into it yet.

(audience laughing)

You know what else
I think is weird,

People that have weird pets.

Dogs and cats are the most
popular pets for a reason.

They're easy to take care of,

But some people don't
have dogs and cats.

My wife and I went to a party
at this guy's house last year

And I didn't know the guy.

And during the party
I went in the kitchen

To get a bottle of water and
he kinda followed me in there

And he goes, "hey."

He goes, "if you'd like
to go back to my bedroom,

I'll let you hold my snake."

(audience laughing)

I said, "I'm married."

(audience laughing)

And he kind of chuckled.

He goes, "no, it's a python."

And I'm like, "whoa,
lucky you," you know?

(audience laughing)

But this guy had
an 11 foot python

In an aquarium in his bedroom.

And I'm like, I
don't want something

That's going to
kill me in my sleep

If it gets out of its cage.

I'm not a big snake fan.

I think snakes are
good for two things,

Belts and boots.

(audience laughing)

And anybody here love snakes?

Oh, you love snakes?

So, do you know that like a,

I think it's like a third
or either 2/3 of the people

That get bitten by them

Are people that are actively
handling them and stuff.

- [audience member]
most of the time.

- You've been bitten?

By a venomous snake?
- No.

- No.

I have

(audience laughing)

And I'm telling that
story right now.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

So, where we live the power
lines are still above the ground

And every time we have a storm,

There's a lot of big old trees

Either a limb falls on the lines

Or a tree falls on the
lines and we lose power.

And after about the
third time that my wife

Had to throw away everything
in the refrigerator,

In the freezer, she said,
"I can't do this again.

Can we please get a generator?"

And so, last summer
we bought a generator

And we'd had it
for a month or so.

And then one night I wake
up about 3:30 in the morning

And I hear the
generator running.

And I thought, well that's weird

'cause it's not
storming or anything.

Well, after a minute
or two it went off

And I thought, well, maybe
generators test themselves

In the middle of the night
every once in a while.

Well, about five minutes
later it came on again

And I thought, it's not
supposed to do that.

Something's wrong.

So I very quietly
slip out of bed.

I got on shorts and a t-shirt,

I got a flashlight and
I grabbed my iphone

In case I have to watch a video

About how do you fix
a jacked up generator?

(audience laughing)

You can fix anything with a
youtube video, you know it?

(audience cheering
and applauding)

I'm serious.

(audience applauding)

Youtube videos are
like the patient father

None of us had growing up.

(audience laughing)

You actually learned
to fix something.

The only thing I learned
watching my dad fix stuff

Was how to cuss.

(audience laughing)

And it doesn't matter
how bizarre it is,

You could put in how do I
get snails out of a trombone?

There'll be a video
on how to do it.

(audience laughing)

So I got my flashlight
and my phone,

I walk out in the backyard

And the generator is around
the side of the house,

Down on the basement level.

So as I go around
the side of the house

And I step on the top step,

I step right on top
of a copperhead snake

And it bit me right
on top of the foot.

And every time I tell this
story, somebody will stop me

And they go, "did
you see the snake?"

(audience laughing)

Yeah, I saw him and I thought,
you know what, I'm barefoot

But tonight, why
not roll the dice?

(audience laughing)

Let's step on him,
see what happens.

(audience laughing)

And I don't blame him for
biting me, I stepped on him

Right in the middle
of the night.

I don't blame him for biting
me, but it is my property

And he's trespassing

And if I call the cops,

He ain't got a leg
to stand on, so.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

And then everybody wants
to know what it felt like.

It felt like an
electrical shock.

I didn't realize
I'd been bitten.

I thought maybe the
generator was shortening out

Or something through the ground.

So when I felt it,
I was like whoa.

And I went down a couple of
steps and my foot is hurting

And I shined the light on it

And there's two holes
in the top of it

With blood rolling out of him.

And then I shine the
light up the steps

And he has zero regret
about doing this to me.

(audience laughing)

(audience continue laughing)

'cause I guess in
the snake world,

That's gotta be like one of
the greatest accomplishments

A snake could ever had, right?

To bite a human being.

And he's already thinking
later on that night,

He's going to get around
his buddies and go,

"guess what I did
earlier tonight?

I bit sam elliott,"

(audience laughing
and applauding)

His buddies are gonna be like,
"dude, I love 'roadhouse.'

I can't believe you
got to do that."

(audience laughing)

And I'm an outdoorsman.

I've spent my entire
life hunting and fishing,

Being in the woods and I
know it's a copperhead snake,

But I'm thinking if I have to
go to the hospital later on,

They're gonna ask me what
kind of snake was it?

So I shined the
flashlight on him

And I thought, I'll take
his picture and I lean in

And now that he realize I'm
gonna take his picture now,

He's like.

(audience laughing)

So I get his picture

And now I realize I've
got three problems.

I've still got a
jacked up generator,

I got a snake bite
on top of my foot

And I've got a venomous
snake between me

And the top of the stairs.

And I'm thinking, all
right, I got the phone,

I'll call my wife
and wake her up.

So, I call my wife
and she is out.

I mean it rings like seven times

And then she's like, "hello?"

And I said, "uh, baby, will
you do me a big favor?"

And she's like, "oh,
I got a headache.

It's the middle of
the night." (mumbling)

(audience laughing)

Said it's not that favor.

(audience laughing)

I said, will you go to the
garage and get a shovel

And bring it around
the side of the house

Where the generator?

And this is how I
know she was sleepy.

She didn't ask a question,
she just got up and did it.

She came around the
side of the house,

Handed me the shovel
over the rail.

And as I was telling
this the first time

To some friends of mine in la,

One of the guys stopped me.

He goes, "were you able
to relocate the snake?"

(audience laughing)

The snake that bit
me on the foot?

Yes I was.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

I was.

(audience continue applauding)

I relocated all three pieces
of him to a cardboard box

That I put in the trash can

Where he lived
happily ever after.

But after I relocated the snake,

Now my foot's starting to hurt

And it's puffed
up like a pumpkin.

And I limp into the house

And I said to my wife, I said,

"I think I need to
go to the hospital."

So she calls 911

And they say, "don't you
bring him to the hospital?"

They said, "most hospitals
don't have anti-venom."

They said, "we'll call
around and find a hospital

That's got it and
we'll send an ambulance

And they can take him there."

So, I guess when a
911 call goes out,

Whoever's the
closest comes first.

So the first people
to arrive at my house

Are the local firemen who
look like calendar models.

(audience laughing)

And I think they got the call

While they were in
the gym working out.

(audience laughing)

To the point when
my wife saw them

She ran back in the bedroom
and brushed her hair.

(audience laughing)

Put on her good robe.

(audience laughing)

But the first thing that they do

Is they hand me a waiver to sign

Because apparently a lot
of people's insurance

Doesn't cover an
ambulance anymore.

And so, I have to
sign a waiver saying

If my insurance won't
pay for the ambulance,

That I'll pay for
it out of pocket.

And my wife goes, "hold on."

(audience laughing)

She said, "how much
is an ambulance ride?"

(audience laughing)

Now, this is a woman that
has not checked the price

Of anything on amazon
in the last decade.

I get bitten by venomous
snake, now she's dave ramsey.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

And the guy goes, "well,
it's usually around

2,000, 2,500 bucks."

She goes, "my word."

She said, "if you
don't take him,

Where are y'all gonna
go when you leave here?"

They said, "well, we're going
to go back to the hospital."

She said, "then I'll
put him in my car

And we'll just follow y'all."

(audience laughing)

No we won't. I wanna
ride with them.

(audience laughing)

So I wait on the
emts to get there

And as they're loading
me into the ambulance,

I'm not making this up.

The guy said to me, he goes,

"mr. Foxworthy," he goes,
"I'm embarrassed to say this."

He said, "we've never had
a snake bite case before

And we have no idea what's
going to happen to you."

He said, "would you like
us to put the light on?"

(audience laughing)

I'm like, "for 2,500 bucks,
hell yeah, put the light on."

(audience laughing
and applauding)

Crank up the siren,
open the back door.

I'll moon people going
down the interstate.

I wanna get my money's
worth on this ride.

But as we get to the hospital,

I'm starting to get
a little bit worried.

I wasn't worried before,

But then I thought, man,
nobody carries anti-venom.

Now the emts have
never had a snake bite.

Could I be in serious jeopardy?

And I'm starting
to secretly pray

That my doctor's like a
part-time pentecostal preacher

Or you know, he's got a turban
and a flute or something.

I want some snake experience.

Well, the doctor comes in
and he's the nicest guy.

He looks at my foot, he goes,

"yep, that is definitely
a snake bite."

He said, "by any
chance, do you know

What kind of snake it was?"

And I was so proud of
myself for thinking ahead

And taking his picture.

And I pulled my phone out,
I said it was a copperhead.

And he looks at it and he
goes, "yep, you're right.

That's a copperhead."

He goes, "unfortunately,
it's a juvenile."

I said, "well, why
would that matter?"

He said, "well, a
fully grown snake,

When they strike the first time,

They usually do what's
called a dry strike.

They'll put their fangs in, but
they don't let any venom go.

They're just trying
to warn you, I'm here.

Get back, leave me alone."

He said, "but juveniles
can't control their venom.

So when their fang go in,
they just let it all go."

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

And I'm thinking there's
no shame in that.

(audience laughing)

'cause when I was a juvenile,

I couldn't control
my venom either and

(audience laughing)

There were a couple of
nights that ended with,

I am so, so sorry.

I must not have had the
safety on or something.

(audience laughing)

But he's looking at my
foot and the color of it,

It's kind of a blue
and it's puffing,

It's starting to go up my ankle.

He said, "I think
you're going to need

A vial of anti-venom."

He said, "it's four
in the morning.

You can't call your insurance.

And I hate to tell you this,
but it is super expensive."

Now, take a guess.

The vial's about that big.

- 4,000.
- 4,000?

- 10.
- 10,000.

$100,000.

(audience exclaiming)

And as soon as that
came out of his mouth,

I know she couldn't help it.

(audience laughing)

"but dave said, if you
didn't give it to him,

Would he die?"

(audience laughing)

He said, "well, he
probably wouldn't die,

But he'd get really sick.

He'd be throwing up
and have a high fever."

He said, "I guess worst case
he might lose his foot."

And she said, "but
he wouldn't die."

(audience laughing)

I quit negotiating with my foot.

(audience laughing)

It's called stand up comedy,

I gotta have two
of them up here.

(audience laughing)

So they give me the anti-venom

And the idea was they
wanted to keep the swelling

Below your knee.

And so, they come in,
they put me in a room

And every couple of
hours they'll come in

And with a sharpie and
they'll draw a line

How far up my leg
the venom has gone.

And they draw a line
and then they'll write

The time on it with a sharpie.

And then every time they
would leave, my wife would go,

"they draw the line so they
know where to cut it off."

(audience laughing)

Thank you, emotional
support team.

(audience laughing)

And so, the next day the
doctor came in and looked at it

And thankfully it never
got above about that high.

And he said, "well,"

He said, "good news is
the anti-venom worked."

He said, "and we just talked
to your insurance company

And they're gonna pay
for the entire $100,000."

And my wife with a
straight face said,

"we weren't worried
about the cost,

We just wanted him to be okay."

(audience laughing
and applauding)

I said, "have you met pinocchio?

Pinocchio, doctor?"

Then on the ride home,
she was driving me home,

On the ride home she said to me,

"I was googling
about anti-venom."

And she said, "do you
know that the vial

They used to give human beings,

That the veterinarians
use the exact same vial

To give to dogs that get
bit by poisonous snakes."

So, I tell you that

Because if I ever get
bitten by another snake,

I have a bad feeling
I'm going to the vet.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

And if I do, I swear
when we get back home,

I'm going in the living room

And pooping on the rug.

(audience laughing)

That's what I'm doing.

(audience applauding)

So if we became friends like
we were 10 years old, right?

- Yep.

- If somebody had
said to those two kids

Down the little league park,

"hey, in 57 years you
guys will be filming

Your last comedy special
you'll be working together."

I think we would've, we just
started laughing, right?

I mean that didn't
happen to kids

That came from
where we came from.

I never thought you
could make a living

Doing something you enjoyed.

- No.

If 57 years ago somebody said

We would be working
together and doing our last,

I would think it probably
involved a ladder,

A paint roller, and
some turpentine.

- Yeah.

I don't know that
I even had dreams

About being successful.

I mean, did you ever think,
oh, I'm gonna have money?

- (chuckles) no, I didn't.

- The weird thing
and you have been

My greatest ally in this,

Is this thing that I love to do.

I don't know why I can do it,

But it's what I do,
it's not who I am.

And I think that's one of
the greatest blessings to me,

Is to have people like you
that knew me from a kid

That never let me get the
big head or fall into this.

- You're funny, there's
a lot of funny guys.

- Yeah, a lot.
- Your delivery's great,

But it's your
connection to people.

And when you meet somebody
walking through the airport

Or at home depot
or tractor supply,

You make them feel like
that you're there for them

And you're locked into them
and you care about them.

Well, I remember the first
night at the punchline.

- Yeah.

- And thinking
you're pretty good

And you know, compared
to the other guys,

It was like you got a chance.

Your big thing was you wanted
to be on with johnny carson

In "the tonight show."
- yeah.

- And you said, "if I can
do that, I've made it."

And that night,
some way I was able

To get in touch with him,
find out where to send it,

And terry and I
sent you a telegram.

And it said, "to our brightest
star, shine brightly."

- And I've still
got that telegram.

- And it was a big
moment for you,

A pretty big moment for us.

And I think the thing that
I'm probably most proud of

Is, you are an iconic,

And I know you don't
wanna hear this,

But you are an iconic performer.

And the fact that you
have stayed so grounded

And through all
these turns in life,

We've gone through school,
college, marriage, kids,

And now the best one.
- Kid's marriage.

- Now the best one.

- The grandkid.

- And I don't know about you,

But I'm kinda looking forward
to seeing what's next.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

- I didn't mention this earlier,

But the greatest part
about this season of life

And that's what I've
loved about my life,

There's been so many surprises.

But the greatest part by far

Is the joy in being
a grandparent.

Oh.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

I had no idea I had that much
untapped love inside of me.

I look at my kids and
I go, "I love y'all

And I would die for y'all,

But I don't love you as much

As these little
jokers right here."

(audience laughing)

Because this is why is
at the point in life

Where the rest of the world

Is just starting
to discount you.

All of a sudden you
have little people

That think you're the greatest
human beings on the planet.

(audience applauding)

And the reason they think this

Is because at their house they
have something called rules.

(audience laughing)

And at our house the
answer is always yes.

Their parents try to
limit their sugar intake.

They come to our house,
you wanna pour pixie sticks

On top of your chocolate donut?

Hell yeah, let's do it.

(audience laughing)

We turn our tv on at sunrise

And we don't turn it
off till midnight.

(audience laughing)

And if you get bored,
we'll get in the car

And drive to the toy store

And spend significant amounts
of their parents' inheritance

On toys you don't want or need.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

And if all of this
causes them to grow up

To be dysfunctional
adults, guess what?

We'll be dead and it's
somebody else's problem.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

And I had all girls,
god, I love my girls.

I lived next door to my brother.

He had all girls, my
sister, all girls,

Our side of the family, nine
girls in a row, no boys.

And then I got a grandson,
first boy in 58 years

And all he wants to do is go
to my farm, sit in my lap,

And drive the tractor.

And I'm like, god, I'm
not worthy of this.

(audience laughing)

He calls me jex, jex, j-e-x

And he's four years old.

Last summer he's taking
swimming lessons in the pool.

And after the lessons, it
was just him and I out there

And we were working on some
of the stuff they taught him.

And at one point he swam over

And wrapped his
arms around my neck.

He said, "jex," he said,
"I have to pee pee."

(audience laughing)

And I'm thinking, I don't
wanna have to dry him off

Then dry me off and then
walk through the house

And get wet footprints
all over the floor.

And it wasn't anybody but
the two of us out there.

And I said, "buddy," I said,
"just pee in the pool."

(audience laughing)

And he said, "really?"

(audience laughing)

I said, "yeah."

I said, "nobody will admit it

But everybody pees in the pool."

And he said, "okay."

And he let go of my neck,
he swam to the side,

He climbed out, turned around,

(audience laughing)

And he peed in the pool.

(audience laughing
and applauding)

And that night I wrote, if
you have ever peed in the pool

Without being in the pool,

You might be a redneck, so.
- Might be a redneck.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

- He wrote his
first joke at four.

That's awesome, ah.

I have, been so blessed to
have such a long career.

I remember, I did my first
comedy special in 1990

Downtown at center
stage on west peachtree.

And I closed that first special

With you might be
a redneck jokes.

And then I did books
and calendars with them

And told them on
stage for years.

But I probably hadn't told
them on stage for 20 years.

And then I thought,

Well, if this is gonna be
my last comedy special,

Wouldn't it be kinda cool
to wrap it in full circle

And go back and do a few
redneck jokes y'all hadn't heard

And close the last
special with it, so.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

That's what I'm gonna do.

If you have ever
answered a facetime call

While sitting on the toilet,

(audience laughing)

You might be a redneck.
- Might be a redneck.

- If the for sale sign
in your front yard

Was put there by your neighbors,

(audience laughing)

You might be a redneck.
- You might be a redneck.

- If the two biggest reasons
you love country music

Is dolly parton,

(audience laughing
and applauding)

You might be a redneck.

If you think hogwarts is your
sister-in-law without makeup,

(audience laughing)

You might be a redneck.
- You might be a redneck.

- If the second half
of your driving test

Was televised from a helicopter,

(audience laughing)

You might be a redneck.

If you hurl garbage
over your back fence

By using your kid's seesaw,

(audience laughing)

That just makes me laugh though.

(audience laughing)

- And they'll say,
what do you do?

And you'll say,
"well, I do this."

- [jeff] yeah.

- [larry] but
that's not who I am.

- Yeah.

If your pronouns are
y'all and all y'all,

(audience laughing
and applauding)

You might be a redneck.

If your charcuterie
board is lunchables,

(audience laughing)

You might be a redneck.

I wanna be a good
dad and granddad.

- Yeah. You are.

You are.

- She didn't say
anything about husband.

(gregg laughing)

- You didn't have to
work at that though.

- No. You were easy to love.

- That came naturally.
- Yeah.

If you think curbside
pickup is a dating strategy,

(audience laughing)

You might be a redneck.

If what happened in
vegas is now about

To graduate from high school,

(audience laughing)

You might be a redneck.

Thank you for my
wonderful career.

You guys are so awesome.

(audience cheering
and applauding)

Thank so much. Thank you.

(audience continue
cheering and applauding)

Thank you.

(audience continue
cheering and applauding)

(audience continue
cheering and applauding)

- Oh, it's breezy.

(door slams)

You did quite well.

- Yeah.

Not as well as
could be expected.

(upbeat music)

♪ I'm doing time ♪

♪ and I need you in my ♪
arms to make it right ♪

♪ but you go home to ♪
him almost every night ♪

♪ I'm doing time ♪

(jeff and gregg laughing)

♪ 'cause you ain't mine ♪

♪ I'm doing time ♪

♪ when I see you walking ♪
with him by your side ♪

♪ 'cause I know that ♪
I'll never be that guy ♪

♪ I'm the one ♪

♪ you leave behind ♪

♪ all I got is hopes
and dreams for now ♪

♪ that one day you will ♪
go and break your vow ♪

♪ and I'll be waiting ♪
with arms open wide ♪

♪ until you're mine,
I'll do the time ♪

♪ hey ♪

(upbeat music)