All language subtitles for BoJack.Horseman.S05E12.WEB.STRiFE.en

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

[Todd] You shut down production?!

- Just for a couple of days.
- What is going on over there?

- It's a minor injury issue.
- A stunt went slightly awry.

Again?

And one of our stars
got a little strangled.

- What?
- Just a little strangled.

Like, the minimum amount of strangled.

Everyone's fine now.
It's like it didn't even happen.

- Except...
- Except what?

Some crew members might
have taken some video

of the incident that could
leak to the press at any moment.

- But that's it.
- Okay, I'm pulling the plug!

- [Flip] What?
- No!

It's too dangerous!
We gotta cut our losses.

Cut your losses?
Philbert is a monster hit!

We put your site on the map, boy-o,

so don't get squeamish now
about sunk cost.

Face it: You need us
like a fish needs a bicycle

in Portland, Austin, Boulder,
or Minneapolis, Saint Paul!

- You are out of order.
- Fine.

Switch Boulder and Austin and
move the Twin Cities to the front.

Now, can you give me a chance
to get everything under control?

[Henry slams door]
Yes! Yes! Yes!

[Todd sighs]
You have one more chance.

Do you promise me
you can take care of this?

I'm clearing my docket.
This is my only priority.

Good, because my boss
has made it very clear

that if we let him down, he will,
quote, "eat my ass for dinner."

[theme music playing]

5x12 - The Stopped Show

- [high-pitched ringing]
- [ringtone playing]

- [phone beeps]
- Hello?

Hey, buddy, well, how ya feeling today?

Weird. Am I supposed
to be on set right now?

You just stay right there.
I'm coming over.

- Okay.
- Do me a favor, though?

Maybe don't watch any TV,
or go on the Internet,

or take any phone calls from
anybody else until I get there, okay?

- What?
- [touch tones beeping]

- Ugh.
- [line ringing]

- Stuart.
- What up?

Draft an email to Biscuits Braxby.
I wanna set up an interview for...

- Hold on, I'm getting another call.
- You want that part in the email?

- Hello?
- Princess Carolyn! It's Sadie.

Remember me? You wanted
my baby, and you came down

to Eden, then you thought
about your past a lot,

and I decided not to give you my baby?

Of course I remember you, Sadie.

- Unfortunately, this isn't a great time.
- Anyway, I got to thinking...

I interviewed a lot of people for adoption.

After I said
I wasn't gonna give them the baby,

They all went cold or nasty. Except you.
You were still nice.

- [tires screech]
- I think that's a sign. [grunts]

- How fast can you get to Eden?
- Why?

My boyfriend left me,
my mama stole my truck,

- and I don't want this baby no more.
- Oh, fish, Sadie.

I'm kind of in the middle
of something now.

You're in the middle of something?

I'm about as deep in contractions
as an apostrophe!

- [panting]
- I know. This is all just coming so fast.

I... Let me call you back.

Okay, but if this baby pops out
and you're not here,

- I'm putting it in a dumpster.
- [gasps]

I'm kidding,
I'm giving it to someone else. [grunts]

- Hey.
- Hi.

I always forget how tiny
and Dickensian this place is.

It's really great how you don't need
nice things to be happy.

- Yes, I agree. What do you want?
- [door closes]

For the last couple months,
I've had work to distract me,

but now that we're on strangle hiatus,
I can't stop thinking about that "thing"

that happened in the prepiere
of the Philbert.

- "Strangle hiatus?"
- Diane, stay on topic.

- You know what "thing" I'm talking about?
- Yes.

- The thing between us?
- Got it.

When we had sex?

I was on top and then briefly on bottom.
Human-y style?

Yep, I remember.

Pickles has no idea,
and I've never felt so guilty in my life.

I hate keeping secrets from people.

It's like Rob Schneider's
surprise party all over again.

You cheating on your girlfriend

is not the same
as Rob Schneider's surprise party.

You're right, this is much less sad
and involves more people.

- Just tell Pickles the truth.
- Oh, I'm not good at giving bad news.

- Could you do it?
- What? No!

But you're so good at bumming people out.
I'm more of a "good news" guy.

You want your ex-wife to explain the fact

that you cheated with your ex-wife
to your current girlfriend?

Well, of course every idea sounds stupid
if you describe what it is.

You're not the only one
who feels gross about that night.

Do you have any idea how shitty I felt
after you left?

So I made you feel gross, and now...

No, you didn't make me anything!
I am gross.

I feel, all the time, like a garbage fire.

And not a cozy dumpster in a quaint alley,

but a barge, floating out to sea,
with no rudder.

I am a rudderless burning
large garbage barge.

Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way
all the time,

but I don't usually,
and now, for the first time ever, I do,

and I don't know what to do
with that feeling!

- Good! You should feel bad!
- Well, I do!

- Great! Me, too!
- Great!

Great!

[both moaning, kissing]

So, what, exactly,
do you think happened last night?

Uh...

I don't know. We shot some stuff?

There was an accident on set
and Gina got injured.

- Oh, my God, she did?
- She's fine.

- But some footage has gotten out.
- Footage?

And because of how it looks,

some people might get the impression
that you were trying to hurt Gina.

- They're gonna get the impression.
- Right.

- But I wasn't.
- Of course not.

What did happen?

So, the two of you are gonna do
a sit-down interview with Biscuits Braxby.

[chuckles] She makes news fun!

Yes. All you need to say is that
you know the footage looks bad,

but you and Gina are actors.

You performed a convincing scene,

and you can't wait
for everyone to see the new season.

Well, it seems like you've got everything
under control.

[sighs] I'm sorry things got so messy
with the show.

I didn't always look out for you
as much as I should have.

I can take care of myself.
I know you've got a lot on your plate.

It's just been so crazy,
this adoption process,

but I think once I get a baby,
my life will be less hectic, you know?

Oh, sure.

That is why new mothers always
seem so chilled-out and well-rested.

Okay, buddy.

Why don't you save your funny jokes
for the interview?

But please don't make jokes
at the interview.

[both sigh]

Sorry I broke every piece
of furniture you own.

- Will 20 dollars cover it?
- Don't worry about it. But, yes.

- So, what happens now?
- I don't know.

- I have to tell Pickles.
- Yeah.

- I'll tell her you and I had a talk.
- Okay.

- And we're getting back together.
- Wait, what?

- But she's a great girl.
- No, no.

But she is a great girl.
You just don't know her.

No, Mr. Peanutbutter.

I don't want to get back together
with you.

- What?
- I think you misunderstood.

- Then why do you keep doing this?
- Why do you keep doing this?

- Because I love you!
- Don't say that.

It's true. I never stopped loving you.

No. We can't do this ever again.

- I'm sorry.
- [sighs]

See? I told you you were great
at giving bad news.

That is not what I wanted to hear.

BoJack, Biscuits. Biscuits, BoJack.

This interview's gonna go down smooth,
like a 1995 Zinfandel.

You ever try one of those '95 zins?
Good year for Zinfandels.

Bad year for Oklahoma federal buildings.

- M'kay.
- Here's how it's gonna go down.

Red light on the camera goes bloop!

I go, "Hey!" You go, "Hey!"
I go, "Video?"

You go, "Nah!"
I go, "Really?"

You go, "Well..."
and you roll me through the rigamarole.

- Oh, don't...
- Don't forget to plug your show.

Then I go, "Wow. This has been
so illuminating. Thank you so much."

Red light goes boo-de-de-boop,
we'll be out of here before Traffic.

And, yes, I'm talking about
the Stephen Soderbergh movie Traffic.

It's playing on FX tonight,
and I'm hoping to catch it.

Love me some Cheadle.

Am I crazy or was she
kind of hitting on me?

Yeah. You guys have a real
flirty energy, like Matt Lauer

and those magazine cut-outs he
now interviews in his kitchen.

- This should be fun.
- Now that's the spirit!

You gotta show me this video.

No, I really don't think
that's necessary.

I'll look like an idiot if I
don't know what I'm talking about.

Just let me see it.
How bad could it be?

Cut to: "Ooh, it's really bad!"

But, no, seriously, can I see it?

[sighs]

- [BoJack grunting in video]
- Hey, wow, look at me go.

- [Princess Carolyn's voice] BoJack!
- Oh. Oh!

Oh, look out, I'm getting really, um...

- Well, this looks like...
- Yeah.

Because I'm actually...
[music]

Yeah.

Diane! What have you been up to?
Tell me everything.

Well, actually, I've been working
on a book of essays...

Okay, I was obviously asking to be polite,

and it's very rude of you
to assume that I care.

I have news that's actually interesting.

Girl Croosh is pivoting to video,
and I want you to be the face.

- The face?
- Of the site.

Every woman under 40 will tune in
to hear what you have to say.

And possibly women over 40,
but we have no way of knowing

because they're invisible
to our site metrics.

Stefani... no.

I don't understand.
My parents never said no to me growing up,

so I'm literally incapable
of processing it as a concept.

I'm a hypocrite. I'm miserable
and I make other people miserable.

I don't know what I'm doing.
I can't be a trusted news source,

or an authority,
or a role model for anybody.

Uh, no one called you a "role model."
Settle down.

- Oh. Um...
- You know what your problem is?

You hold everyone
to an impossible standard,

including yourself.

It's super helpful
for writing hot-take shakedowns,

and clickbait take-downs,
but totally toxic for your personal life

and internalized sense of self-worth, girl.

But shouldn't we be asking
more of ourselves

- and of the people in our lives?
- Of course. But we all fail, Diane.

The world is unforgiving enough as it is.

The least we could do is find ways
to forgive each other and ourselves.

Well, then maybe we should be
more forgiving in our content,

and maybe not publish so many take-downs?

Oh, Diane.

- All right, let's bring in the talent.
- [mumbling]

- [gasps]
- Hey, is this a good time to talk?

No, Stuart. This is a very bad time.
We're about to shoot the interview.

Oh, sorry, I haven't memorized
your schedule.

- You could write it down.
- With what, a quill?

- Okay, Elbridge Gerry.
- What?

Anyway, this lady showed up
at the office

and she was being super annoying,
so I brought her here.

- What lady? [gasps]
- Hey.

Why aren't you answering your phone?
Why aren't you in North Carolina?

We're having a bit of a PR crisis.

As soon as this is settled
I will take the first plane there,

but this is just not the best time.

Look, if you can't do this, don't do it.

My mom worked all the time
and she never made time for me.

I felt so alone growing up,

especially because I never knew my dad
or my twin brother

because our parents broke up
when we were babies,

and wouldn't even talk to each other.

Oh, Tracy, I had no idea.

My whole life,

all I had was this half of a medallion
with part of a family crest on it.

The crest of a family I'll never know.

- Boring.
- Ex-squeeze me?

Sorry, but your story sucks.

I mean, who wasn't separated
from their family as a baby

and still wears their half of a medallion

in the hopes of one day being reunited
with their long-lost twin?

That exact thing happened to me
and you don't see me bitching about it.

- God, get over yourself.
- Get over yourself.

I didn't realize it was a common thing.

Well, obviously it is,
so can you get to your point already?

I was getting to it
if you'd quit talking already.

My point is, not every woman is supposed
to be a mother.

Maybe you'd be happier

if you freed yourself
from that expectation,

and just lived the life
you'd clearly rather be living.

Two minutes to air!

No, that's not... I'm not...
I can't even deal with this right now.

- You need to leave.
- All right, let's go.

She's in one of her moods.

I still think it's pretty nutty
we both have the left half of a medallion.

Like, what are the odds?

Nah, it's a completely different thing
with me. Mine is the right half.

- So...
- Oh, okay.

[exhales]

[clears throat] Hey.

- Hello, BoJack.
- Are you okay? You look good.

Yeah, makeup covered the bruises.

- Gina, I'm so sorry.
- Let's just do the interview, okay?

- I'm gonna come clean about everything.
- What?

Everyone needs to know what I did.

- [bell rings]
- [man] Please get in positions.

No. Don't do that.

Gina, what I did to you...
I saw the video and it looked pretty bad.

I'll say it was pretty bad.

- It was assault.
- Yeah.

You physically overpowered me,

and if there were any justice,
you would be in jail right now.

Okay, so...

But my career,

after so many failed attempts,
is finally starting to take off.

I am getting offers, and fan mail,

and magazine columns
about what a good actor I am.

People know me because of my acting.

And all that goes away if I'm just

the girl who got choked
by BoJack Horseman.

I can't lie about this.

I don't want you to be the most notable
thing that ever happened to me.

I don't want you to be the question
I get asked in interviews

for the rest of my life.

- Gina, I...
- You need to do this for me, okay?

Because I just want this to be over.

Can we talk about it,
maybe after the interview?

No. I will be civil to you on set
when we have scenes together,

but otherwise, I never wanna think
about you again.

- Hey, guys, how are we doing?
- So good, Biscuits.

We're so excited to be here,
aren't we, BoJack?

- Um, yeah.
- [buzzer blares]

I'm here with BoJack Horseman
and Gina Cazador,

stars of the hit show Philbert.

Let's cut to the chase. That video.

[chuckles] Oh, my God,
it's so embarrassing.

- This is all a misunderstanding.
- I mean, it's kind of hilarious.

We've actually been laughing
about it here on set!

[both chuckling]

Really?
BoJack looks so angry in the video.

And Gina, you look terrified.

Biscuits, we're actors. It's what we do.

- Oh, thank God.
- Yep, actors.

Okay, I gotta ask.
Is the story true? Are you two an item?

[laughs] Busted!

Oh, boy.
Looks like you got your scoop!

Can you give us a kiss?

- Uh...
- Sure thing.

[kisses]

- What's it like dating your co-star?
- It's so great.

I'll bet sometimes, though,
you wanna strangle each other, right?

Oh, you bet!

- [BoJack chuckles]
- [Gina growling]

Okay, you two.
This has been illuminating.

- Thank you so much.
- [bell rings]

- [man] That's a cut!
- That was amazing.

[Gina] Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

You wanted to see me, Mr. Fondle?

[Henry] I must make love to you.

[chuckles] You mean to my brain,
because I have such good ideas.

Thanks for the encouragement.
I never got that at my last job.

[Henry] Nice boobs.

That's exactly right.

Those guys were nice,
but they were total boobs.

Anyway, I'm gonna go review
the third quarter budget

with our diagnostics team.

- [Henry] Insufficient power.
- To review the budget?

- [panel beeping]
- [Henry] Insufficient power.

Are you saying I don't have the authority
to do my job?

[Henry] Now entering sleep mode.

You wanna sleep with me?

That is not a mode
I'm comfortable with, Mr. Fondle.

[Henry] Please connect to power source!

[gasps]

So first, he said
I had insufficient power...

Wow.

Which I have never heard him say
to a man.

And then he asked me to "connect"
to his "power source."

Did you feel physically threatened?
Was there any implication of assault?

Not assault, but he did make a mention
of "low battery".

It is never acceptable to threaten
an employee with battery at any level.

What time is it right now?

For female employees
of one popular website,

the answer is Sexual Harassment O'Clock!

What started with the allegations
of one junior executive

has quickly snowballed
into an avalanche of accusation,

as women at every level have come forward

with their own harrowing stories
of what happens

when the big hand
meets the little hand.

He said he wanted to "...get all up
in my guts with his penis

and ejaculate inside me."

At the time, I just thought
it was typical corporate banter,

but now I'm like, uh...

Look, obviously,

men should not be engaging
in predatory behavior at the office,

but I'm worried now the pendulum's
gonna swing too far in the other extreme

where they'll be held accountable
for that behavior, and that's not ideal.

Uh, Henry Fondle is a sex robot,

and he should not be a CEO
of any company.

[reporter] When you say "sex robot,"
you're speaking metaphorically, right?

No.

The board has taken decisive action
to remove Henry Fondle

by placing him
on an indefinite paid leave.

Meanwhile, we will be scaling back,
canceling our slate of streaming series

and refocusing on our original mission
of being a website you can go to

if you don't know what time it is,
that also doesn't harass anyone.

This is a great day for the women
of this company,

many of whom will be laid off.

- [reporters clamoring]
- [camera shutter clicking]

So, you got a call from your dentist;
no cavities.

Emily Van Camp wants to move
your four o'clock to five.

And also, Todd wanted me to let you know
that the network folded,

everyone got fired...
[yawns] And your show is canceled.

- What?
- It's over. It's all over.

What are you talking about?
It's not over.

We just have to find our baby
another home.

Maybe What Time Is It Right Now is gone,

but there are like a billion
other websites, right?

What about that website you go to,
to pay your parking tickets?

Or if we're really desperate, TNT?

The point is we're just getting started,
Princess Carolyn!

- [door grinds]
- Princess Carolyn?

- [phone rings]
- She's gone.

Unless...

I was Princess Carolyn the whole time.

Mm.

[in female voice] Oh, fish!

Well, this is it, Henry Fondle.
The end of the line.

[man] Hiya, hotshot.

I've been following your career
pretty closely and I like what I see.

How'd you like a corner office
at Disney-Fox-AT&T-AOL-

Time-Warner- Pepsico-Viacom-Halliburton-
Skynet-Toyota-Trader-Joe's?

[Henry] Give it to me!

Uh, you know this guy just got fired
for sexual harassment, right?

Yeah, so he's learned his lesson
and he's ready to reenter the workforce.

[Henry] I have many penises.

[chuckles] You said it, buddy.
Give us a call.

Do you wanna take a ride?
There's something I wanna show you.

[Henry] Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

[knocking on door]

Oh, hello.

Shouldn't you be out
"not really strangling" someone?

The last time I saw you,

you said you still believed
I could be a better person.

- Do you still believe that?
- I do.

I need you to write one
of your take-downs.

- About me.
- What?

You can't write anything
about Gina, but... the other stuff.

Everything. I need to get it out.

No. I'm done writing about you,
or for you, or with you.

Diane, please, I need this.

I'm a bad guy
and the world needs to know.

There's no such thing as "bad guys"
or "good guys."

We're all just... guys...

who do good stuff sometimes
and bad stuff sometimes.

And all we can do is try to do
less bad stuff and more good stuff,

but you're never going to be good.
Because you're not bad.

So, you need to stop using that
as an excuse.

I am asking to be held accountable.

And I'm telling you it's not gonna happen.

Whatever you put in that story,
no one is gonna "hold you accountable."

You need to take responsibility
for yourself.

I don't know how to do that!

[Diane sighs]

[BoJack grunting]

[sighs]

This is it. My special thinking spot.

[Henry] Let us put on
a Lionel Richie album,

and finger each other's holes.

Shh. Henry, no.
There'll be time for that later.

[Henry] I love it
when you call me Father.

That's right.

- [Henry] I... I...
- [grunts]

[Henry] I love you, Fatheeeeeer...
[powers down]

Shh. It's okay. It's over now.
It's all over. [pants]

Oh, man.

[grunts]

Okay.

[Princess Carolyn chuckles] Aw.

She's beautiful.
What are you gonna call her?

Untitled Princess Carolyn Project.

But not really, though, right?

Hey, do you think my cactus is gonna be
okay if I'm not there for six weeks?

Yeah, I think
your cactus is gonna be okay.

- Is this a mistake?
- No.

Wow, it feels so weird to be eating here.

So, this is what it's like
from the other side.

Pickles, I took you here

because I wanted you to be somewhere
you felt comfortable.

Aw, that's so sweet, Mister.

Because I need to talk to you
about something.

Oh, no, this is really bad.
Why would you do this to me?

I didn't tell you what it is.

No one ever "needs to talk"
about something good!

No one ever says,
"I need to talk to you: Happy Birthday"

or, "I need to talk to you:
Felicity Jones hired a new stylist

and her red carpet looks this season
are to die for!"

Well, good news first:
Felicity Jones did hire a new stylist,

but sadly,
her fashion choices just aren't popping.

Oh, no! This is bad news!
Well, thank you for telling me.

That isn't the thing
I was going to tell you.

There's more bad news?

Is it worse or not as bad
as the Felicity Jones thing?

Well, it's different...

Whatever it is,
we're going to get through it together.

Whatever it is, I love you,
and nothing's going to change that.

Nothing you say is going to make me
stop loving you, no matter what.

Pickles... I...

What is it?

- [grunts] Will you marry me?
- [squeals]

What do I say... when I go in?

You say, "Hello. I am BoJack.
Horseman, obviously.

You've probably heard of me.
I'm very famous.

So... Sober me up, please!"

What if I get sober...

and I'm still the same awful person
I've always been,

only more... sober?

I think that is a very real possibility.

- Don't be shitty.
- I'm not.

Rehab is not a cure-all that's gonna
suddenly make you not an asshole.

Then why are we doing this?
Let's turn around and go home.

- You wanna go home?
- Is that okay?

Look, you have two options.

You can go back home
and try to do things your way,

like you've been doing all your life,

or you can see what these guys
have to offer.

I don't understand
why you're being so nice to me.

After everything you know about me,
all the shit I put you through.

When I was in high school,
I had this friend. Abby.

She was my only friend
and we did everything together,

until she got adopted by the cool kids
and then she turned on me...

so fast.

She used every secret she knew about me,
every vulnerability.

She made me miserable
my entire sophomore year.

But then that summer
when her mom got sick, like really sick,

and all her cool friends were off
vacationing in Martha's Vineyard,

- I was there for her.
- Why?

Because I'm an idiot. And it was Abby.

And I hated her,
and I will never forgive her,

but she needed me and...
she was my best friend and I loved her.

And now... you're here, and I hate you,

but you're my best friend,
and you need me.

[inhales, exhales]

You know what you're gonna say?
You wanna practice?

I'm gonna say,
"Hello. I am BoJack Horseman.

Obviously, you know who I am,

because I'm very famous,
and also we called ahead.

And I am here because... I need help."

[chuckles]

[door opens, closes]

[car door closes]

[sighs]

[music playing]

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~