All language subtitles for BoJack.Horseman.S05E11.WEB.STRiFE.en

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

[music]

[BoJack] Previously on Philbert...

[both sighing] Now I see
why they call you "Sassy."

- Hello, old friend.
- Fritz! But you're dead!

Dead serious... about haunting you.

[sighs] I haven't had sex that good
since my wife died.

To be clear, the sex was pre-death.

Philbert, I don't want to be
one of those girls,

but did you murder your wife?

How many people are dead because of you?

Those were bad guys!
They stole the mayor's submarine.

Tell me what happened.

I'm going to the chief!
The whole world's gonna know what you did.

- You can't do that, Marjorie.
- John, it's over. [gasps]

Fritz, you maniac! What are you doing?

- What you're too chickenshit to do.
- [gasping] John! Help!

- Oh-hh!
- [moaning]

[gasping]

[clicks]

[Fritz grunts]

You shot your partner?

He was strangling my wife!

Kiss me, you smart, handsome renegade.

There's no time for that now.
The nuclear missiles are coming.

[country music playing]

♪ Well, I've been down to the girlie club ♪

♪ With a hot glue gun full of beans ♪

♪ Shot the beans on the railroad tracks ♪

[mumbling] ♪ ...know what I mean ♪

♪ I'm a man out of time ♪

♪ And time keeps runnin' me down ♪

♪ 'Cause rules are for fools ♪

♪ And I ain't no clown, no ♪

♪ They say the devil is a woman ♪

♪ But I ain't no clown ♪

[music ends]

5x11 -The Showstopper

[mask huffing]

[Philbert narrating] It's been
six months since the missiles hit.

The air is thick
with the stench of death,

and the hospitals are delivering
some very wacky babies.

But, finally, they reopened
the Yogurtland near me.

Sometimes, even mushroom clouds
have a silver lining.

Hey, partner. Looks like you're getting
soft... serve frozen yogurt.

[chuckles] Now I continue to see
why they call you "Sassy."

[narrating] It's also been six months
since I told Sassy the truth.

About Fritz. My wife.

And Sassy hasn't turned me in.
I think she likes me.

- [Sassy sighs]
- [Flip] Cut!

- [bell rings]
- [spits] Ugh!

BoJack, I told you
not to eat the prop food.

That fake yogurt costs $500 a cup!

Why?

[BoJack] It's been two months since
the first season of Philbert came out.

And it's a hit. Which is great for me,
but even better for Gina.

[camera shutters clicking]

You know, I've done so many TV shows,

but this is the first one
that's kind of turned me into a star.

It's a big step up from just recurring

on The Cops are Coming,
Whee-oo, Whee-oo.

[BoJack] And the weird part is
I'm not secretly bitter and jealous.

I like seeing her happy.

But I still have this little rancid itch
saying something isn't right.

It's like there's always something
lurking just beyond the horizon.

[ringing]

Philbert the Troubled Detective.

I see. Thank you.

Why do you still use a landline?

[Philbert] What am I supposed to tell her,
I'm just an old-fashioned guy?

Or maybe I like things
that are plugged to the wall?

Something to grab onto
if I start floating away.

That was my wife's landline.

- [Fritz grunting]
- [gasps]

- I'm so sorry.
- Never mind that.

The chief's been murdered.

Oh, Philbert, that's awful.
I know you didn't want him to be murdered.

Sassy, put on some pants.
You've got a sweet bottom,

but the only bottom
I'm interested in right now

is the bottom of this case,
and getting to it.

Because this time, it's personnel.

- Cut!
- [bell rings]

Did you want me to say,
"This time it's personal"?

No, that's a cliché.
You're saying it's an inside job.

Someone on the force.
"This time, it's personnel."

- Ah, okay.
- The strangling looks fake.

Ooh, maybe it would be scarier...
[wailing] if I talked like this...

I already told you. No spooky voice!

I can roll my eyes back
and stick my tongue out.

[gagging]

- Eh...?
- Yeah, let's try that.

Gina, you noticed anything funky
about these new scripts?

Yeah. Without Diane around to police
Flip's use of the word "literally,"

you'd think "the literally store"
was going out of business. Figuratively.

What? No. I mean the story with the chief.
I think it's stolen from my life.

I mean, I also had a male boss who died.
Herb Kazazz.

Seems like a coincidence.

The chief is named Basil.
Like basil, which is an herb! Like Herb.

I don't think anyone would use a story
from your life without telling you.

- Diane would.
- She's not writing on the show anymore.

You think Flip read her book?
Wait a minute. "Her book." "Herb... ook."

- What's going on with you?
- I'm gonna get to the bottom of this

because this time, it's business.

Personal business.

- [typing]
- [knocking on door]

Hey, friend.
Where'd you get your ideas from?

I'm just... I'm so interested
in your process.

Do you make them up,

or get inspired
by other things or people's... lives?

What are you accusing me of?

You think I can't come up
with my own ideas?

Those popsicle guys signed a release.

Popsicle guys?

- What are you talking about?
- What are you talking about?

[both] Hmm...

[BoJack] Something's going on.
I must be singing a song called "Crazy"

because everyone's treating me
like a patsy.

All I know for sure
is Flip's hiding something.

Something about "popsicle guys."

- Hey, buddy. Is everything okay in here?
- Yeah, fine.

Really? Because this trailer belongs
to Stingray Liotta.

[gurgling]

Oh. Uh, I guess I've been
a little distracted.

Are you sure you're okay?
Because you're my friend,

and I would never forgive myself
if something happened to you

that affected our ability
to stay on schedule.

- What?
- BoJack, I care about you,

and also the 218 other people
who will be out of a job

if you spin out like you usually do.
Now are you keeping things together?

I'm not gonna screw up
this professional opportunity for you.

Your concern is very touching.

- What's in those pills you keep taking?
- If you really cared,

you should've been there
the day I fell off a building?

But no. You had other important business
to attend to.

- BoJack...
- You're doing a great job,

making me feel like you give a shit.
You're gonna be an awesome mom.

[sighs] I think you're overworked.

Oh, for real?
With a side order of,

"Ya think?"
And sundry retorts of that fashion.

Here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna take
the rest of the night off.

You're gonna get some sleep.

And when you come back,
you're gonna be professional,

you're gonna be courteous,
and you're gonna have your shit together.

Fine! And... I'm sorry,
about the mom thing.

Get some sleep.

[sighs]

- I can't sleep.
- Ugh. Yeah, you mentioned.

- Flip was acting very suspicious.
- He sure was. Eight hours ago.

But we're home now,
and it's 4:00 in the morning.

Princess Carolyn's getting
all up in my business!

She told me that I seem "not okay,"
and was "spinning out,"

- and "would make a great mom."
- Not sure you'd be the best mom.

- I'd be a wonderful mother!
- Wow.

[thinking] Watch it, BoJack.
You're losing it. Gotta be cool for Gina.

What's something a cool person would say?

Uh, hey, Daddy-O.

Gotta splitsville to the lavatory
if you catch my drift. Hang ten!

- Oh, okay.
- Nailed it.

[panting]

[sighs] Huh?

[clicking]

[Gina] BoJack, I know what's going on.

- [switch clicks]
- [gasps] Uh... you do?

You're taking the character home with you.
It happens to every actor.

I played a girls' PE coach
who solved mysteries

in a pilot called,
Death, She Whistles.

It never went to series,
but I got so into it,

I spent months ordering
every mouthy teen I saw

- to drop and give me 20.
- Yeah, you're probably right.

[sniffs, slurps]

[gasps]

[groans]

[gasps, moans]

[music playing]

[vocals singing backwards]

- [music stops]
- Uh...?

- [faint fluttering]
- [gasps]

[gasps]

[BoJack narrating] The BoJack Mysteries
will continue after this.

- [orchestral music playing]
- [puffing]

Hello. I hope you're enjoying Philbert.
Is everyone having a good time?

- Uh...
- [music stops]

Okay, I'm gonna level with you.
I'm in a real situation here

because I did not realize I was supposed
to sell ads for this show.

Nobody specifically told me

that was under the purview
of the president of ad sales!

So, if anyone wants to buy
30 million dollars'-worth of ad time,

or work out
some sort of licensing arrangement,

basically, what you need to know about me

is I am desperate
and will say yes to anything.

Let the negotiations begin!

- [music resumes]
- And now, back to the show.

[BoJack thinking]
Who sent this? What do they know?

Do they know things? Let's find out.

Hey, BoJack!
Did the L.A. Gazette come today?

Apparently, I'm on their
"35 Over 35 but Under 40" list.

Uh, no, nothing came today!
I wasn't looking at anything.

Why are you so insistent
that something came today?

Obsessed with things coming much?

Whatever this creep has on me
could ruin the show, And there goes

Gina's newfound happiness.

I gotta find out who sent this.
For her sake.

This case is like the movie,
Love Actually. No leads.

- Hope the coroner can help us out.
- She will.

We got a lot of history,
me and the coroner.

Here's a picture.
She used to be one of my closest friends.

Used to?

Times change.

[splatters]

[BoJack] Diane! Diane! Diane!
I know you sent me the note!

- What note?
- What note?

The one you slipped under my door.

See, great actors embody their roles,
so I've picked up some detective skills.

That letter "I" is in a nerd font.
I'd say it's from The Believer.

And you're the only person
who reads The Believer.

First of all, The Believer
is a very popular $12 magazine.

And I didn't send this dumb note.

You love revealing my secrets.
And not sharing your cobbler!

- [sighs]
- Who else could have done it?

I don't know.
Who'd you piss off?

[thinking] She's right.
Lotta people have it out for me.

[Philbert narrating] But who the hell
would want to hurt the chief?

Hey, Philbert. This your friend?

- [gasps]
- A second strangling victim.

If it's the same killer,
he's a real pain in the neck.

Hey, there's being sassy,

and there's going over the line
with humor. Literally.

All right, enough chokes.
Let's put together a list of suspects.

Yeah, suspects.

[Philbert] Gotta keep it together
and go through the suspects.

[rattling]

[thinking] Who would wanna take down
BoJack Horseman?

[clicks]

Huh.

No. Don't call Charlotte.
That's a terrible idea. Don't do it.

[ringing]

Hello! Charlotte's husband Kyle here!

[Kyle] Hello? Hello, hello, hello?

This is your last chance, okay?

- Three, two...
- Uh...

All right, you get another second here.
What's going on?

- I'm doing a survey for the cable company.
- All right.

I've got time for a survey.
Kinda fun to think

big-time corporations care
about what little old Kyle thinks.

[speaking with mock Scottish accent]
On a scale of one to ten,

how would you rate your cable service?

Oh, that's a tough one, right off the bat.
Let's see.

Don't take this personally,
but I'm gonna say eight.

And on a scale of one to ten,
how is your marriage?

Well, that's a little personal,
don't ya think?

Oh, okay. Uh...

But I guess if it helps your survey...
my wife and I had some rough patches,

but we're stronger
now we've got through them.

- I'm gonna give us an eight.
- Okay, so it sounds like your wife

isn't obsessed with a desire
to exact revenge on a former friend?

- What?
- For cable-related reasons or otherwise?

- I don't think so.
- Okay, wonderful.

On a scale of one to ten,

how would you rate
your daughter's sexual maturity?

- Boy, that's a sticky one.
- I'm just reading what's in front of me.

Pfft. I don't even know how to judge that.

Uh, let's say
that one is, "Horribly scarred

by an older man she trusted

and is now dedicated to getting
the word out about the bad thing he did,"

[normal voice]
and ten is, "Slowly explored her body

in a healthy way on her own timetable

and is now completely emotionally
well-adjusted?"

I don't know, maybe eight?

I feel like I'm kind of defaulting
to eights.

- Okay, thanks, bye!
- Wait! Don't go. I got a couple questions.

Question number one.
What channel is Netflix?

Gotta get back to Scotland.
You're the man now, dawg.

Well, that didn't pan out.

We got no leads,
and the Olive Garden won't deliver.

Sure, when you're there, you're "family."

There's gotta be something we're not
seeing. All these victims, strangled.

Yeah, this case just gets
strangler and strangler.

You made puns!

You could laugh after two murders.

But now we're talking about eight
innocent people killed in five days!

This guy's really going full throttle.

[chuckles] I guess it's just funnier
when I do it.

- The point is, we have to stop him.
- [sighs]

So many people could have sent that note.
Why do so many people hate me?

Oh, put up a picture of Crispin Glover.

Apparently, I spilled coffee on his shirt
in a dream he had.

I'm not sure production assistants

are supposed to help make lists
of enemies.

Hey, if you're gonna whine like that,
put your own picture on the wall too.

Oh, shit, what time is it?
I gotta get to set.

We are on set.

Oh, yeah. We are, in fact, on set.

[buzzing, popping]

[Flip] I'm telling you, BoJack's onto us!

[Princess Carolyn]
Oh, he's not onto anything.

[Flip] I think he knows
about the popsicle guys!

- Wha...?
- Pickles, about dinner tonight,

am I any network with a show
starring Kyle Bornheimer?

- Because I have to cancel.
- Shh, shh, shh!

Nothing's wrong.
Just another heavy night of shooting.

- Sha-sha-shh!
- Gotta go! Love you!

- Shh! Shh!
- Love being monogamous!

- [phone beeps]
- [sighs] Hey, BoJack!

Look at you, skulking behind doors
with a malevolent aura.

- Someone is hiding something.
- How did you know?

- Did you talk to Diane?
- Yes. I did talk to Diane.

BoJack, I promise it was
a one-time thing.

The worst thing that could happen is
if I lost your respect over this.

I couldn't live with myself
if your respect for me fell any lower

than the current level of respect
you have for me,

which as we both know is very high.

Can we pretend
this whole thing never happened?

- What whole thing?
- Thank you.

There's gotta be a simple explanation.

No. I'm telling you,
this whole thing is rotten, Gina.

- [Flip] You said "Gina" again!
- What?

You called her "Gina."
The character's name is "Sassy."

Right. Um, no.
This whole thing is rotten, Sassy.

Whatever it is,
we'll figure it out together, okay?

- Okay.
- In the morning.

- [clicks]
- [Sassy sighs]

[sighs]

- [pistol clicks]
- [gasps] Fritz!

We're not so different, you and I.

In fact, in many ways,
you might even say we're the same.

Samie, samie, samie-same,
you might say.

Twinsies, even.

- Fritz, you're not real.
- Does this feel real enough for ya?

[grunts] You don't have to do this.
You can trust me.

I do trust you.

[sighs]

But I don't trust her.

- [grunts]
- Ugh!

And that's why I still have a landline.

- [yelling]
- [gasps, panting]

What's going on? I'm a heavy sleeper.

The pieces are starting to fit together.
Literally.

[BoJack thinking] He's got a secret
he won't tell me. And he's not alone.

That's why she keeps checking on me...

to make sure that I'm not getting
too close to the truth.

Who else is in on it?

Mr. Peanutbutter. He's up to something.

Something involving... Diane!

But what do they all have in...

Common?

They all made Philbert.

This whole show is designed
to reveal my secrets and destroy me.

And poor Gina is caught up in the madness.
I have to find a way protect her! Get it?

Everyone's evil.
It's a conspiracy to destroy you.

Protect Gina. Got it.

The Fascinating Mysteries
of Detective BoJack Who Is Great...

will continue after this.

What...?

I really think we should get to set.

- Aren't we on set?
- You're at home.

I came to get you
because you didn't show up at call time.

Why didn't you come earlier? [gasps]
Are you trying to take me down, too?

Down... to set.

- [Flip groaning]
- [BoJack gasping]

Hey, everyone!
BoJack's here, ready to shoot!

- What are we waiting for? Come on.
- All right, set it up!

BoJack, what's going on with you?

I can't tell her the truth.
She's safer knowing nothing.

- You realize you just said that out loud?
- Oh. Sorry. Too many night shoots.

It's so hard to lie to her.

You just said that out loud, too.
You do know this is real, right?

More real than you even know, dollface.

Face. Clocks have faces.

That's it! [gasping]

Where the hell is he going?

[muttering] Gotta get 'em...
Gotta go. Gotta catch up.

- [yelps]
- Todd Chavez. The man in charge.

The guy who has a face,

which is what clocks have,
and also hands, which clocks have, too.

I should have known his
clocky-handy face was behind this.

- Hi, BoJack!
- The gif is up, bozzo.

- Spill the beefs.
- Okay, you got me.

In order to offset the costs
of video hosting,

I needed to sign a licensing deal
with a pharmaceutical company,

but I think this still maintains
the dignity of Flip's original vision.

"Oopsie, gotta poopsie"?

That sounds like a thing
Philbert would say, right?

We're also doing a board game, a lunchbox,

and a campaign with a national taco chain.

The "Philburrito." So zesty,
you'll forget your murdered wife.

[gasps] So, you wrote the note!

- Uh, no, that's...
- Tell me the truth, Chavez!

Have you always been
secretly jealous of me?

Did you hate that you were a nothing
and I was a successful cop?

Did you create this entire
television show to destroy me?

That's a lotta questions,
but, generally, no.

- This ends now.
- Hey, whoa, whoa, careful!

Ooh!

[beeping]

- Fritz! Put down the gun.
- No, BoJack, that's not...

[Henry Fondle] I am going to blow my load!

Don't. Don't pull the trigger!

It is imminent!
Prepare to exchange fluids.

- No!
- Beep, beep! [groans]

You're a super gal. I'll call you.

Fritz is getting away!
[grunts]

- BoJack, hold on...
- [grunts]

[panting]

[yelps]

- [gasps, yelps]
- [popping]

[gasps]

- BoJack, what are we doing?
- What?

All this running around.

Gina. Someone is trying to take me down,
take the show down.

So, what, you solve this little mystery,

fix this little hole,
and then everything will be fine?

I'm doing this for you.

You don't want that.
For everything to be fine?

- How dreadfully boring.
- Huh?

♪ Life is a never-ending show my friend ♪

♪ A twisting, turning, ever-bending show ♪

Huh?

♪ The audience is everyone
you know my friend ♪

♪ Leave them with a smile when you go ♪

♪ You can bet that you're a star ♪

♪ So don't forget how fun you are ♪

♪ Get out there and give it your all ♪

♪ And don't stop dancing ♪

♪ Don't stop dancing
'til the curtains fall ♪

Agh!

♪ You are a rotten little cog, mon frère ♪

♪ Spun by forces you don't understand ♪

♪ Living is a bitter, nasty slog
mein herr ♪

♪ Why not sell your sadness as a brand? ♪

♪ Paint your face and brush your mane ♪

♪ And find some place to cut your pain ♪

♪ To portions we can buy at the mall ♪

♪ And don't stop dancing ♪

♪ No, you can't stop dancing
'til the curtains fall ♪

- Aw, shucks!
- [yelps]

[shoes tapping]

♪ Today's the day, you've got the spark ♪

♪ You'll find a way to make your mark ♪

♪ And get your tiny name on that wall ♪

♪ So, don't stop dancin', baby
don't stop spinnin' ♪

♪ Don't stop beltin', buddy
now we're winnin' ♪

♪ Grief consumes you
but you just keep grinnin' ♪

♪ The ache becomes you
and it's just beginning ♪

♪ Don't stop dancin'
nothing's certain but the curtain ♪

[gasps]

[panting]

[sighs]

- Couldn't sleep?
- I never sleep.

- I noticed.
- I've noticed you noticing.

I've made some progress
in our case, but, uh...

you're not gonna like it.

- Try me.
- It's about Fritz.

- [clicks]
- [gasps]

So, I guess some of this detective
stuff is starting to rub off on me,

because I figured out
what's been going on with you.

- Gina?
- I found your stashes

in the toilet paper rolls.
Then I looked around the house

and found all your other
clever little hiding places.

- How many of these do you take a day?
- Hey. Those are mine. Okay? I need those.

[Gina gasps]

I swear to God,
you try that again and you're dead.

Sassy, I'm not the bad guy here.
It's Fritz.

I didn't want to tell you this,
but he's back.

I don't know how. Maybe the nuclear blast
resurrected him somehow.

You're my partner. We need to find him.

I'm with Internal Affairs, you moron.

When you told me Fritz killed your wife,
something didn't add up.

I tried to find Fritz in the system, but
there's no record of him ever existing.

- What?
- In fact,

there's no record of you
ever having a partner at all.

What are you saying?

[grunting]

You killed your wife. And the chief.
And the coroner. And the others.

Why would I do that?

Because they knew you,
and they knew your secrets.

But I know your secrets now.

- But did you know that I love bocce ball?
- What?

- [Philbert grunts]
- [Sassy gasps]

[panting]

Come on. Gina. I'm serious, Gina.

- I need those pills!
- Bullshit.

You have no idea what I'm going through.
I'm trying to protect you, Gina!

Protect me from what?

- Are you serious?
- Someone is trying to blackmail me.

- BoJack, this is from the show.
- What?

It's marketing.

- [Gina] Everyone in L.A. got one.
- Huh.

It's a copy of the note
that Philbert gets.

- You sent this note. It was you.
- No, Philbert.

[Sassy] It was you.
The guilt was unbearable.

It ate you up inside,
and drove you to madness.

- Bullshit.
- Oh? Or should I say... no "O."

[gasps]

It was you! It was all you! Literally!

No! No!

You don't remember shooting that scene?

Well, I... I guess
I've been a little distracted.

"Distracted"? You've been high.

No. It's not high, Gina, that's not...
It makes things normal.

Normal? You're a goddamn mess,
and you're gonna ruin my show.

- Oh, your show?
- That's not what I meant.

No, that's very helpful.
I understand what you're worried about.

- I thought it was me, but it's your show.
- BoJack, listen.

It would really be a shame
if your show was ruined

by your boyfriend's
debilitating drug problem.

- Stop it.
- Where would you go to sing

- with your popsicle dancers?
- Popsicle dancers?

- Give me my pills back!
- No.

So, what happens now?

- Turn yourself in.
- Are you kidding?

I know there's a good man
buried somewhere in there, Philbert.

He's the man I fell in love with.

- That man is dead!
- [grunts]

Gina. I'm not kidding. The pills. Now!
[bangs]

- You're out of control.
- Give them to me!

[growls]

Stop! Let go! You're hurting me!

- [Gina gasping]
- [grunting]

- [wheezing]
- [Flip] Okay, cut!

See, that looks real.

- I'm going.
- Gina, no. Come on.

Stay away from me. Get help. Or don't.

- I don't care anymore.
- Gina, no. Uh...!

[gulps]

- [BoJack grunting]
- [Gina] Please, stop.

- BoJack, he said, "Cut."
- BoJack? Buddy?

- I think he's really strangling her.
- What? Oh, no.

Turn the camera back on.

- Gina, you okay?
- Okay, that's enough.

- [screams]
- [gasps, panting]

- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- [moans]

[gasping]

Uh...?

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~