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1
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(Feeble voice)
Dying, My Lords?
2
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:23,755
— Am I dying?
— Never!
3
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:27,191
— Never!
— Yet, my son,
4
00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:30,153
to pass away the idle hours
till your recovery...
5
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:31,474
Urgh—h!
6
00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,751
..let us imagine
you were to pass away.
7
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,950
To whom would you leave your lands?
8
00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:40,677
To me, of course!
9
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:45,078
Ye—es. To my beloved king.
10
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:49,637
May your filthy soul
be prepared for Hell, my son.
11
00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:52,115
— Hell?
— Yes, Hell...
12
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,276
where Satan belches fire
13
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:58,917
and enormous devils
break wind both night and day.
14
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:03,113
And where the mind is never free
from the torments of remorse,
15
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:07,233
and your bottom never free
from the pricking of little forks.
16
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:10,511
No! Spare me the little forks!
17
00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:12,830
What is this nonsense?
18
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:17,954
Hell...where the softest bits
of your nether regions
19
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,594
are everybody's favourite lunch.
20
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:22,074
Oh, Christ!
21
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:27,470
Forgive me, sire.
I will change my will
22
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:32,037
and leave my land to the Church.
23
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:33,036
What?
24
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,999
Blessed be thy stainless soul!
25
00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:42,955
Ah, you will change
your mind later. I know it!
26
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,718
Urgh—h!
27
00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:51,151
I think...not!
28
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,357
(Edmund)
Now, Baldrick, what news?
29
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:40,758
I'm told the Duchess of Gloucester
has given birth to goblins.
30
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:43,360
No, about the Duke of Winchester.
31
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,677
— He's hanging on.
— Must be on his last legs.
32
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:50,190
How many sets of legs
has that man got?
33
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,834
I wish he'd make up his mind.
34
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:55,872
This shilly—shallying
is so undignified.
35
00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:00,154
My Lord, I come with tragic news.
36
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:01,998
Died at last, has he?
37
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:04,873
— Who, My Lord?
— Oh, I see!
38
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:08,993
You ask me what the message is
before you tell it to me.
39
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:11,236
Quite brilliant, I must say!
40
00:03:11,280 --> 00:03:13,999
I was referring
to the Duke of Winchester.
41
00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:16,714
Who, My Lord?
42
00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:21,197
Let's try to sort this out
in words of one syllable, shall we?
43
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,880
— Someone has died, yes?
— Yes, My Lord.
44
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,275
Who is it that has died?
45
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,391
The Archbishop of Canterbury,
My Lord.
46
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:30,829
— Are you a cretin?
— Yes, My Lord.
47
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,394
The Archbishop of Canterbury?
48
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:36,592
Oh, no — the King has done it again.
49
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:40,554
That's the third this year!
How did this one die?
50
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,637
— 'Orribly, My Lord.
— Any details?
51
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:45,035
'Orribly is all I was given.
52
00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:48,072
— There you are!
— I come with tragic news.
53
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,589
I've heard it. Will you go away?
54
00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,711
Edmund, the Archbishop
of Canterbury
55
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:55,639
has met with
a most tragic accident.
56
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:59,036
I think I've fathomed out
how it came about.
57
00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:01,833
I've a pretty shrewd idea myself.
58
00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:05,396
He was coming out
of the Duke of Winchester's room.
59
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:08,671
Who had died,
leaving his lands to the Church?
60
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,472
Well, yes.
61
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,875
And so the King
was after his blood.
62
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:17,710
I dare say, but then, round the
corner came Sir Tavish Mortimer.
63
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,592
The King's hired killer?
64
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:22,792
No, that tall fellow with no ears.
65
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:24,194
That's him.
66
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:27,676
He rushed towards
the Archbishop, head bowed,
67
00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,712
in order to receive
his blessing...
68
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,752
and, er, unfortunately
killed him stone dead.
69
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,120
How?
70
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,198
Mortimer was wearing
a Turkish helmet.
71
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:41,232
Oh, one of those
with a two—feet spike.
72
00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:45,194
Normally used for butting enemies
and killing them stone dead.
73
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:49,438
So presumably he'd "forgotten"
he was wearing it?
74
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:53,678
That's exactly
what the poor fellow had done.
75
00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,074
Tragic!
76
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,750
Ah, yes, almost as tragic
as Archbishop Bertram
77
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:02,873
being struck by
a falling gargoyle off Beachy Head.
78
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:07,198
Quite. And nearly as tragic
as poor Archbishop Wilfred
79
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:11,029
falling backwards
onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral.
80
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:15,631
Oh, Lord, you do
work in mysterious ways.
81
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:19,389
I don't know how I'm going
to break it to his catamite.
82
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,670
What a tragic accident, My Lord.
83
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:25,509
Accident, my codling!
84
00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:28,796
(Percy)
Who do you think will take over?
85
00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:32,310
One of the bishop fellows,
I imagine.
86
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,670
They tend to go for religious types.
87
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:38,839
Rumour has it, My Lord, the King
wants to choose Prince Harry.
88
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,029
Really?
89
00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:43,391
Prince Harry, archbishop, My Lord?
90
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:47,638
Good Lord! Prince Harry, archbishop!
91
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,753
And we all know what happens
to archbishops, don't we?
92
00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:54,110
They go to Canterbury.
93
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,470
No, no, no, no, no, no!
94
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:01,112
Oh, yes!
95
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,117
Are you sure about your source?
96
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:04,719
It was Jane Smart —
97
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,912
the one who told me about
the chocolate chastity belt.
98
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,634
It was? Blimey!
99
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,593
Well, with Harry gone...
100
00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:21,518
— the Black Adder will be...
— (Both) King...Next!
101
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:25,838
Yes, today could be one of
the most important days of my life.
102
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:29,669
Percy, I shall require
splendid garments for the ceremony.
103
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:33,634
— Certainly. Hat, My Lord?
— Trojan, I think.
104
00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:35,239
— Boots?
— The Italian.
105
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:39,069
— And codpiece, My Lord?
— Well, let's go...
106
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:44,035
for the Black Russian, shall we?
It terrifies the clergy.
107
00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:48,916
(Braying laughter)
108
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:52,078
(Organ)
109
00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,835
Any news, Baldrick?
110
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:03,078
Apparently, Lord Wilders is
keeping his sheep in his bedroom,
111
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,350
but nothing on the appointment, no.
112
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:06,515
Fair enough.
113
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:15,959
— Why are you dressed like this?
— Like what, sorry?
114
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:19,880
Well, this enormous nonsense here.
115
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:21,911
(Fanfare)
116
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:24,110
Fingers crossed!
117
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:30,912
Members of the court
and, er...clergy,
118
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,634
I have...at last...
119
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:38,356
after careful consultation with
Lord God, his son, Jesus Christ,
120
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:42,394
and his insubstantial friend,
the Holy Ghost,
121
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:46,798
decided upon the next archbishop.
122
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:53,470
May he last longer in his post
than his predecessors.
123
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:56,194
Fat chance!
124
00:07:56,240 --> 00:08:00,791
I appoint
to the Holy See of Canterbury
125
00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:03,036
my own son...
126
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:08,756
..Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh!
127
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,155
Eeh—h!
128
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,669
Archbishop, we salute thee!
129
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:19,592
— Congratulations!
— D—-D-Down!
130
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,552
Oh!
131
00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:37,040
Use both hands.
Very good, very good!
132
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,509
Well done, Harry!
(Knock)
133
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:41,716
Enter!
134
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,673
Ah, Your Majesty!
135
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,597
Ha! My Lord Archbishop!
136
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:50,952
There were just a couple of points
about my appointment,
137
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:54,038
— before things are firmed up.
— Yes?
138
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,879
— Firstly, could I...?
— No, you couldn't.
139
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,479
Fine. And secondly...
140
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:01,592
Don't be mistaken
about this appointment.
141
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,551
I've always despised you.
142
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:08,993
Well, you are my father,
of course. I mean, you're biased.
143
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:13,273
You, compared to your beloved
brother Harry — ha—ha—ha! —
144
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,880
are as excrement compared to cream.
145
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,434
Oh, My Lord, you flatter me!
146
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:21,074
And me, also.
147
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:24,636
So when I've at last
found a use for you,
148
00:09:24,680 --> 00:09:28,594
— don't try to get out of it.
— No, no. Certainly not.
149
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,280
I just wondered whether another man
150
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:35,678
equally weak—willed and feeble
might do just as well.
151
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:38,155
Ha! There's no such man!
152
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:41,113
No, of course not. Silly me!
153
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:46,314
I thought, though, perhaps,
someone who believed in God...?
154
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:50,479
No, if I needed someone
who believed in God,
155
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,352
I'd have chosen Harry,
156
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,677
not an embarrassing weed like you.
157
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:59,395
Oh, well, I think
that's everything cleared up.
158
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:04,037
Goodness! It must be
almost time for Evensong. Must go.
159
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,640
Egbert!
160
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,429
Come here.
161
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,869
A word of advice.
162
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:27,390
If YOU Cross me NOw...or ever...
163
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:31,957
I shall do unto you
what God did unto the Sodomites.
164
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,116
I don't think that's a good idea!
165
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,549
You understand?
166
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:39,956
I shall make myself
available for all eventualities.
167
00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,109
Thank you so much.
168
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,310
Flee!
169
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:03,954
We've got the thumbscrews,
the foot—crusher, the nose—hooks,
170
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,833
those long rods you r—ram...
171
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,793
— Where's the dwarf?
— Here, My Lord.
172
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,478
Right, let's go.
173
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:17,115
— Archbishop!
— Aah...
174
00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:22,792
— H-Hail.
— Going somewhere?
175
00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,200
Um...
176
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:28,640
Yes.
177
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:31,433
Where?
178
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:34,199
To C—Canterbury.
179
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:38,916
Oh, good!
Harry here will accompany you.
180
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:44,080
I would hate to see you murdered
before your investiture.
181
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,833
(The King)
Fresh horses!
182
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:53,511
My Lord, if we're to catch the boat
for France, you'll have to hurry.
183
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:54,994
To France?
184
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:58,317
Um, are you off to France, Percy?
185
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:00,397
I thought we all were.
186
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:05,355
No, no. Harry and I are off
to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry?
187
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,711
Oh, I see.
You've changed your plan.
188
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,559
N—No. No, not really.
189
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:19,039
The only change is if you could
go and put your face in some manure
190
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,594
and follow me at a distance,
that would be fine.
191
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,517
Harry?
192
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,710
And another thing, Your Grace,
193
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:30,675
suppose my right hand
offends me and I cut it off,
194
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,792
what if my left hand
offends me too?
195
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,514
What do I cut if off with?
196
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:39,837
Ah, yes. Yes, that is a knotty one.
197
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:41,075
Yes.
198
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,760
Here, who's that?
199
00:12:54,800 --> 00:13:00,432
I dunno, but that tall fellow,
he had a face full of manure.
200
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,472
That's what I call style!
201
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,597
(Ceremonial organ chords)
202
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,910
Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh,
203
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:20,512
believe in God the Father,
God the Son and God the Holy Ghost?
204
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,632
(Bell tolls)
205
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,111
Um, yes.
206
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:30,949
I then name thee
Archbishop of Canterbury
207
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:34,277
and Primate of all England.
208
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,993
A—choo!
209
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,992
(Blows nose noisily)
210
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,391
(Narrator)
His investiture over,
211
00:13:56,440 --> 00:14:01,071
Edmund the Unwilling swiftly
adopted the ways of the cloth.
212
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:05,471
But ever the shadow of his
father's threat hung over him,
213
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,272
until one day...
214
00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:11,154
Tell me, exactly what did
God do to the Sodomites?
215
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:12,713
I dunno, My Lord.
216
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:17,231
I can't imagine it was worse
than they used to do to each other.
217
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,870
Oh, my God, this is it!
218
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,912
Baldrick, go and get
My Lord Bishop of Ramsgate.
219
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,952
— Eh?
— Get Percy! Get Percy!
220
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:35,355
My life is hanging by a thread!
221
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:47,231
And if I don't leave my lands
to the Church, then what?
222
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:50,716
Then, Lord Graveney,
you will assuredly go to Hell.
223
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:52,558
Alas!
224
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,079
Hell...
225
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:58,876
where the air is pungent
with the aroma of roasted behinds.
226
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:02,914
No, no!
(Hacking cough)
227
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:07,113
I place my lands
in the hands of the Church.
228
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:10,755
And so bid the world farewell!
229
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,710
What? The Archbishop
not yet arrived?
230
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,798
Not yet, and even
if he did arrive...
231
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:21,160
— Wait!
— Too late!
232
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:22,952
Out of my way!
233
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:27,756
I'LL kill the pair of you!
I'll abolish the Church!
234
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,792
My Lord! My Lord! Aa—ii—ee!
235
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:34,196
I said, "Out!" Get out!
236
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:39,235
Oh, My Lord, My Lord!
Wake up, wake up...
237
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,749
Wake up!
238
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:47,993
— Am I in Paradise?
— No, no. Not yet.
239
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:52,750
Then this must be Hell.
Alas! Spare my posterior!
240
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,360
No, you're all right —
it's England.
241
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,516
And you are not Satan?
242
00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:00,120
No, I'm the Archbishop
of Canterbury.
243
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:04,996
Oh, Your Grace, I have left
all my lands to the Church.
244
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,077
Am I to be saved?
245
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:10,112
No, you treacherous swine!
I'LL kill you!
246
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:15,599
Wait! Let's just take this through
in stages, shall we?
247
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:20,077
Um, you know, the Church
doesn't really need your lands.
248
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:24,159
No, what it needs
is a damn good thrashing!
249
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:29,229
But if I do not gain its blessing,
I will surely go to Hell!
250
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,591
— Hell, where tiny tweezers...
— Get out!
251
00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:39,354
Someone like you go to Hell?
Never! Never!
252
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:42,950
— I have committed many sins.
— Haven't we all?
253
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:47,039
— I murdered my father.
— I know how you feel!
254
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:50,277
— Alas!
— Hurry up, Egbert!
255
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:53,756
— I have committed adultery...
— Who hasn't?
256
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,189
..more than a thousand times...
257
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,153
Well, it is 1487.
258
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:02,192
— ..with my mother.
— What?
259
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,517
You see, I will go to Hell.
260
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:09,758
Hell, where growths like turnips
sprout out the nose...
261
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:12,076
Kill him!
262
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:16,112
Um, well, let's take Hell
263
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:20,119
Hell isn't as bad
as it's cracked up to be.
264
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:23,437
— What?
— No, no, no, no.
265
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:26,996
The thing about Heaven
is that Heaven is for people
266
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:30,954
who like the sort of things
that go on in Heaven,
267
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:35,870
like singing, talking to God,
watering pot plants.
268
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:38,355
Whereas Hell, on the other hand,
269
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:42,917
is for people who like
the other sorts of things —
270
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:49,115
adultery, pillage,
torture...those areas.
271
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:50,514
Really?
272
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:55,509
Mmm. Once you're dead,
you'll have the time of your life.
273
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:59,155
Adultery, pillage —
through all eternity?
274
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,316
Yep!
275
00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:06,196
Struck with large sticks
against your tender portions...
276
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,637
Henry, it's your decision.
277
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:14,277
Very well. I'll leave
my lands to the Crown
278
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:17,790
and my soul
in the hands of the Lord.
279
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:22,038
May he treat me like
the piece of refuse that I am
280
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:24,310
and send me to Hell
where I belong.
281
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:25,191
Amen!
282
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:27,277
Amen. You're a lucky man.
283
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:31,314
I wish I could come with you,
but being Archbishop...
284
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,397
— I'm so sorry.
— It's OK.
285
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:34,760
Ah—h!
286
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:45,636
— My son!
— Father!
287
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:50,232
— Father!
— My son!
288
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,720
Who's that?
289
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:59,277
Looks like the kind of pair
who would kill the Archbishop.
290
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:00,833
Typical!
291
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,190
(The King)
You Turkish deg!
292
00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:09,031
— You Turkish pig!
— Father, it's me! Pax!
293
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,469
Oh, yes. Sorry, Harry.
You're improving.
294
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:12,715
Yes.
295
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:16,640
Well, thank you, Father.
Good night, Mother.
296
00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:21,117
He's gaining on me!
He's gaining on me!
297
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,356
And how was Edmund?
298
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:28,156
Oh, very well.
Chiswick! Fresh horse!
299
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:32,319
And how are his dear little sheep?
300
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:34,715
— Whose sheep?
— Edmund's sheep.
301
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:37,149
What sheep?
302
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,476
Well, the ones at Canterbury.
303
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,638
His flock
that he was talking about.
304
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,274
Oh, my God!
305
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:53,756
I can't understand it.
Edmund doesn't even like religion.
306
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:57,395
That's impossible.
He's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
307
00:19:57,440 --> 00:20:01,115
Yes, and the Archbishop
is also a naughty boy,
308
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,197
whose bottom I smacked
309
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,675
for relieving himself in the pond.
310
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:07,950
That was a long time ago.
311
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,037
It was last Thursday.
312
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:20,116
Hell, the boy's turned out well.
313
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:23,391
A long and healthy life to him!
314
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,800
Ha!
315
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:36,232
I thank God that
never again shall I have to say,
316
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,398
"Who will rid me
of this turbulent priest?"
317
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:44,796
— What is that?
— Something Henry Il said
318
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:48,515
when he was having trouble
with Thomas a Becket.
319
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:52,190
He was sitting with
two drunken knights and yelled,
320
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:55,517
"Who will rid me
of this turbulent priest?"
321
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,792
What?
322
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:01,309
Oh, God save us!
323
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:06,355
I said, "Who will rid me
of this turbulent priest?"
324
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,152
Meaning who?
325
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,716
The Archbishop
of Canterbury, of course!
326
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:17,159
They went off
and killed him, of course!
327
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:24,956
Right, let's get down to business.
328
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:26,070
Business?
329
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:28,191
Baldrick's been looking at ways
330
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:31,198
of making a bit of money
on this job.
331
00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:35,518
Basically, there appear to be
four major profit areas.
332
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:40,475
Curses, pardons, relics and selling
the sexual favours of the nuns.
333
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:44,434
Selling?
Some people actually pay for them?
334
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,710
Foreign business men,
other nuns, yes.
335
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,831
Let's start with pardons.
336
00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:53,750
Well, this is a fair selection.
You seem to get what you pay for.
337
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:57,953
They run from a pardon
for talking with your mouth full
338
00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,877
signed by an apprentice curate.
339
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:01,433
How much is that?
340
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,757
Two pebbles.
All the way up to this one,
341
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,996
which is a pardon for anything:
342
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:11,193
murder, adultery, dismemberment
of a friend or relative.
343
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:14,278
— Who is that signed by?
— Both Popes.
344
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,913
That's a good one.
345
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:20,796
Curses are much the same.
I got this for half an egg.
346
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:23,400
Curse. "Dear Enemy,
347
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:27,399
I curse you and hope that something
unpleasant happens to you,
348
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,080
like an onion falling on your head."
349
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:32,316
That's the bottom end
of the market.
350
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:35,159
They run to this one
for four ducats.
351
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:38,670
"Dear Enemy, May the Lord hate you
and all your kind."
352
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:40,757
"May you be turned orange
353
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:44,430
and may your head fall off
at an awkward moment."
354
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,471
— Does this work?
— Yes.
355
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,033
~ Really?
Yes!
356
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:50,151
— Really?
— No!
357
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:56,558
Moving on to relics,
we've got shrouds from Turin,
358
00:22:56,600 --> 00:23:03,040
wine from the wedding at Cana,
splinters from the Cross...
359
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:06,198
and there's all the stuff
made by Jesus
360
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:09,358
in his days in the carpentry shop.
361
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:13,871
Pipe racks, coffee tables,
cake stands, book ends...
362
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:15,991
crucifixes...
363
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:22,116
a nice cheeseboard, fruit bowls,
waterproof sandals...
364
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:26,512
— I haven't finished this one yet.
— Disgraceful!
365
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:29,552
— They're obviously fake!
— Ha! Yes.
366
00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:33,912
But how will people tell
which are the real relics?
367
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,236
They won't. That's the point.
368
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:40,433
Well, you won't be able
to fool everyone. Look!
369
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:45,749
I have here a true relic.
370
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:47,473
What is it?
371
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:51,673
It is a bone
from the finger of Our Lord.
372
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:55,031
It cost me 31 pieces of silver.
373
00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:57,594
Good Lord! Is it real?
374
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:01,679
It is, My Lord.
Baldrick, you stand amazed.
375
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:05,554
I am. I thought
they only came in boxes of ten.
376
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,035
I could've given you one of mine.
377
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:10,754
Yeah, fingers
are really big now.
378
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:14,634
But for a quick sale,
you can't beat a nose.
379
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:18,674
This is the Sacred Appendage
Compendium Party Pack.
380
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:22,600
Jesus's nose...
St Peter's nose...
381
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:26,395
St Francis's nose...
382
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,114
Oh, no. They're Joan of Arc's.
383
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:31,800
Bastard verger! I'll show him!
384
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,035
I'll show him!
385
00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:39,878
Oh!
386
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:42,594
— Hello.
— Good evening.
387
00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:45,075
And what can I do for you?
388
00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:50,354
Well, we're here to murder
the Archbishop of Canterbury...
389
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,391
.."'s various enemies.
390
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:56,832
— We fear he may be in danger.
— Really? How?
391
00:24:56,880 --> 00:25:00,396
Let me see.
Perhaps good King Richard,
392
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,956
— angry with the Archbishop...
— Don't know why.
393
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:08,471
..might well send two drunken
knights fresh from the Crusades
394
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:12,434
on a mission
to wreak vengeance on him.
395
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,472
Good point. It has happened before.
396
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:19,036
Sorry, I didn't
quite catch your names.
397
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:23,119
— George de Boef.
— How do you do?
398
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:24,673
Justin de Boinod.
399
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:28,793
Two drunken knights
fresh from the Crusades
400
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:32,754
and here on a mission
for King Richard, bless him!
401
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:34,552
And your mission?
402
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,910
We're here to kill...
403
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:41,750
..a bit of time...
before our next Crusade.
404
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:43,871
Oh, right, yes.
405
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:46,958
Well, I'll just go and get him.
406
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:52,718
Ah, Baldrick, a couple of knights
to see the Archbishop.
407
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:54,034
Oh, my God!
408
00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:58,951
Monks!
409
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,879
My Lord,
I've something to tell you.
410
00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:07,835
If it's about the nuns at Uppingham
and the candelabra, I've heard it.
411
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:11,510
No, there's two men outside
who've come to kill you.
412
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:12,630
What?
413
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:20,153
I=1"'m terribly sorry about this.
I'll just see what the delay is.
414
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:21,429
Feel free.
415
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:24,393
Look, what's going on?
416
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:27,592
Those two men have come to kill us!
417
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:32,350
Oh, just because they've a bit of
class, you assume they're killers!
418
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,870
Oh, my God, there's no way out!
419
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:40,676
Help! Help! Oh, my God, help us!
420
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,999
They've dropped off!
421
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:02,392
— Ya—ah—h!
— Ya—a—ah!
422
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:11,035
Damn! They must have gone down
the secret passage to the nunnery.
423
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,476
Ya—a—ah—h!
424
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:25,919
Sisters, three men came in.
Which way did they go?
425
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:30,511
(Falsetto)
Oh, I think they went that way.
426
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:32,995
God bless you!
427
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:38,558
Wait! They'll be watching out
for us dressed like this.
428
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:40,273
Quick! In here!
429
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:54,349
(They titter nervously)
430
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:59,634
Pray, Sister, have you seen
two burly knights pass this way?
431
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:05,198
(Cracked falsetto)
Er, no, Sister. More's the pity!
432
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:08,551
Why don't you try that way?
433
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:13,117
— (Normal voices) Thanks.
— You're welcome.
434
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:19,477
And yet, Mother Superior,
435
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:23,075
does not St. Paul say
in The Ephesians,
436
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,031
"A woman is like a bat —
437
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:29,514
"often heard but never seen."?
438
00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:33,478
No, I don't think so, Sara.
439
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:35,830
Shall we check the dormitory?
440
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,633
Oh, yes, Mother Superior.
Good idea!
441
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:45,592
Girls!
442
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,711
Girls! Girls!
443
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:49,637
I've told you a thousand times,
444
00:28:49,680 --> 00:28:53,435
fighting in the dormitories
is forbidden!
445
00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:55,949
Who is the ringleader?
446
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,958
You! Yes, you, the plain girl!
447
00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:06,920
Oh, my God!
It's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
448
00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:09,998
And a man! Ooh—h!
449
00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:15,160
Er, I think I can explain.
(Giggles weakly)
450
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:19,035
And that, sweet lady,
is the whole story.
451
00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:21,833
Let's go over the facts again.
452
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:23,314
Once appointed Archbishop,
453
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:27,593
you found all your interests lay
in beautiful vestments.
454
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:29,472
Ah, the fine embroidery!
455
00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:33,150
Unable to resist
the slide into depravity,
456
00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:35,350
you began to
dress up like a nun.
457
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:39,314
The irresistible texture
of the hessian underthings!
458
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:40,953
I can understand that.
459
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:43,640
Then you forced
the Bishop of Ramsgate
460
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:46,718
and Brother Baldrick to do so also.
461
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:50,276
Oh, may I be cursed for it!
462
00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:53,312
Finally,
you got two knights drunk
463
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:56,876
and invited them to wrestle
with you inside the nunnery
464
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:59,958
— in a heathen orgy.
— That's it, yes.
465
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:04,710
It bears the ring of truth
and I must therefore tell you
466
00:30:04,760 --> 00:30:09,914
that I have written to all Popes
recommending your excommunication.
467
00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:13,430
Never more may you be
Archbishop of Canterbury!
468
00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:14,879
Oh, dear!
469
00:30:14,920 --> 00:30:19,118
Enough, Sister Sara.
I think he's learnt his lesson.
470
00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:20,639
Sorry?
471
00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:23,916
Oh. Ow! Ow!
472
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:26,998
Go, sirrah, and meet thy doom!
473
00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:30,510
(Ominous organ chords)
474
00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:00,989
Quick! The nunnery's on fire!
475
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:06,709
# The sound of hoofbeats
cross the glade
476
00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:10,754
# Good folk,
lock up your son and daughter
477
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:14,759
# Beware the deadly flashing blade
478
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:18,236
# Unless you want to end up shorter
479
00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:22,353
# Black Adder, Black Adder
480
00:31:22,400 --> 00:31:26,394
# He rides a pitch—black steed
481
00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:30,479
# Black Adder, Black Adder
482
00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:34,753
# He's very bad indeed
483
00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:38,953
# Black his gloves of finest mole
484
00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:42,675
# Black his codpiece made of metal
485
00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:46,873
# His horse is blacker than a vole
486
00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:50,754
# His pot is blacker
than his kettle
487
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:54,555
# Black Adder, Black Adder
488
00:31:54,600 --> 00:31:58,434
# With many a cunning plan
489
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:02,713
# Black Adder, Black Adder,
490
00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:05,513
# You horrid little man! #
491
00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:10,152
Alas! The corruption of the world!
492
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,350
Yes, alas!
493
00:32:12,400 --> 00:32:14,994
I'm tired and weary.
You may leave.
494
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:17,873
— Very well.
— Alas.
495
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:21,792
Presumably you won't be
needing the unicorn tonight?
496
00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:25,629
No. No, not tonight, Sara.
37064
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