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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: {359}{418}Ripped with SubRip 1.10 and Verified by CdinT|(Cristi_Polacsek@SoftHome.net) {417}{426}I deliver perfection...|and don't brag about it! :D {426}{508}Ready, march! {795}{900}Eyes... right! {1018}{1097}Eyes right! {1821}{1845}Baldrick, {1850}{1891}what are you doing out there? {1895}{1945}I'm carving something on this bullet, sir. {1948}{1984}What are you carving? {1989}{2058}I'm carving "Baldrick", sir. {2061}{2080}Why? {2085}{2122}It's a cunning plan, actually. {2126}{2157}Of course it is. {2161}{2192}You see, you know they say {2197}{2281}that somewhere there's a bullet|with your name on it? {2283}{2325}Yes? {2329}{2415}Well, I thought if I owned the bullet|with my name on it, {2417}{2523}I'd never get hit by it,|'cos I won't ever shoot myself. {2525}{2557}Oh, shame. {2561}{2638}And the chances|of there being two bullets {2641}{2713}with my name on them|are very small indeed. {2716}{2819}That's not the only thing around here|that's "very small indeed". {2820}{2902}Your brain, for example,|Is so minute, Baldrick, {2905}{2962}that if a hungry cannibal|cracked your head open, {2965}{3090}there wouldn't be enough inside|to cover a small water biscuit. {3097}{3168}Tally-ho, pip-pip,|and Bernard's your uncle. {3171}{3209}In English we say, "good morning". {3213}{3285}- Look what I got for you, sir.|- What? {3288}{3337}It's the latest issue of "King & Country". {3341}{3382}Oh, damn inspiring stuff! {3386}{3460}The magazine that tells the tommies|the truth about the war. {3463}{3510}Or alternatively,|the greatest work of fiction {3514}{3622}since vows of fidelity were included|In the French marriage service. {3623}{3651}Come, come, sir. {3656}{3692}Now, you can't deny that this fine newspaper {3696}{3726}is good for the morale of the men. {3730}{3750}Certainly not, {3755}{3855}I just think that more could be achieved|by giving them some real toilet paper. {3857}{3883}I'm not with you at all, sir, {3888}{3966}what could any patriotic chap|have against this magnificent mag? {3968}{4031}Apart from his bottom? {4034}{4067}Well, look at it. {4072}{4174}I mean the stuff's about as convincing|as Dr. Crippen's defence lawyer. {4175}{4222}The British tommies are all portrayed {4226}{4301}as six-foot six with biceps|the size of Bournemouth. {4304}{4340}Thoroughly inspiring stuff. {4344}{4455}And look, sir, this also|just arrived for you this morning. {4487}{4534}Hmm, do you know what this is, Lieutenant? {4538}{4605}- It's a good old service revolver.|- Wrong. {4608}{4646}It's a brand new service revolver, {4650}{4731}which I've suspiciously been sent|without asking for it. {4734}{4778}I smell something fishy, {4782}{4901}and I'm not talking about the contents|of Baldrick's apple crumble. {4920}{4965}That's funny, sir, because we didn't order {4969}{5016}those new trench-climbing ladders either. {5019}{5063}- New ladders?|- Yeah, came yesterday. {5067}{5131}I issued them to the men,|and they were absolutely thrilled. {5135}{5155}Isn't that right men? {5159}{5184}Yes, sir, {5189}{5251}First solid fuel we've had|since we burned the cats. {5254}{5312}Something's going on, {5316}{5382}and I think I can make|an educated guess what it is. {5385}{5438}Something which you, George,|would find hard to do. {5441}{5476}Ah, true, true. {5481}{5540}Where I was at school,|education could go hang {5543}{5613}as long as a boy could hit a six,|sing the school song very loud, {5616}{5675}and take a hot crumpet|from behind without blubbing. {5678}{5709}I, on the other hand, {5714}{5756}am a fully-rounded human being {5760}{5813}with a degree from the University of Life, {5816}{5864}a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, {5868}{5964}and three gold stars from the Kindergarten|of Getting the Shit Kicked Out of Me. {5966}{6035}And my instincts lead me to deduce {6038}{6115}that we are at last about to go over the top. {6118}{6159}Great Scott, sir, you mean... {6163}{6209}You mean the moment's|finally arrived for us {6213}{6277}to give Harry Hun a darned good|British-style thrashing, {6280}{6311}six of the best, trousers down? {6315}{6403}If you mean are we all|going to get killed, yes. {6405}{6469}Clearly, Field Marshal Haig is about to make {6473}{6498}yet another gargantuan effort {6502}{6578}to move his drinks cabinet|six inches closer to Berlin. {6581}{6607}Right! {6612}{6638}Bravo-issimo! {6642}{6688}Well let's make a start, eh? {6692}{6748}Up and over to glory,|last one in Berlin's a rotten egg. {6752}{6835}Give me your helmet, Lieutenant. {7048}{7186}Yes, some sort of clever hat camouflage|might be in order. {7188}{7213}Permission to speak, sir. {7218}{7305}Granted, with a due sense|of exhaustion and dread. {7307}{7386}I have a cunning plan|to get us out of getting killed, sir. {7389}{7433}- Ah, yes, what is it?|- Cooking. {7436}{7466}I see. {7471}{7582}You know staff HQ|is always on the lookout for good cooks? {7583}{7642}Well, we go over there,|we cook 'em something, {7646}{7694}And we get out of the trenches that way. {7697}{7760}- Baldrick, it's a brilliant plan.|- Is it? {7764}{7785}Yes, it's superb. {7789}{7844}Permission to write home|immediately, sir! {7848}{7915}This is the first brilliant plan|a Baldrick's ever had! {7918}{7956}For centuries we've tried, {7960}{8046}and they've always turned out|to be total pig swill. {8048}{8110}My mother will be as pleased as punch. {8114}{8209}Hmm, if only she were|as good-looking as punch, Baldrick. {8210}{8266}There is, however,|one slight flaw in the plan. {8270}{8290}Oh? {8295}{8390}- You're the worst cook in the entire world.|- Oh, yeah, that's right. {8392}{8497}There are amoeba on Saturn|who could boil a better egg than you. {8498}{8637}Your filet mignons in sauce b�arnaise|look like dog turds in glue. {8637}{8682}That's because they are. {8686}{8727}Your plum duff tastes like {8731}{8800}it's a molehill decorated|with rabbit droppings. {8803}{8834}I thought you wouldn't notice. {8839}{8937}And your cream custard has|the texture of cat's vomit. {8938}{8978}Again, it's... {8983}{9062}If you were to serve|one of your meals in staff HQ, {9064}{9110}you'd be arrested for|the greatest mass poisoning {9114}{9206}since Lucretia Borgia invited|500 of her close friends around {9208}{9258}for a wine and anthrax party. {9262}{9338}No, we'll have to think|of a better plan than that. {9340}{9424}Right, how about a nice meal,|while you chew it over? {9427}{9461}What's on the menu? {9465}{9503}Rat. {9507}{9547}Saut� or fricassee? {9551}{9649}Oh, the agony of choice. {9651}{9677}Saut�ed involves... ? {9682}{9735}Well, you take the freshly shaved rat, {9738}{9807}and you marinade it|in a puddle for a while. {9810}{9854}Mm-hmm, for how long? {9858}{9902}Till it's drowned. {9906}{9971}Then you stretch it out|under a hot light bulb, {9974}{10031}then you get within dashing distance|of the latrine, {10035}{10083}and you scoff it right down. {10087}{10151}So that's saut�ing. And fricasseeing? {10154}{10181}Exactly the same, {10185}{10243}just a slightly bigger rat. {10247}{10311}Well, call me old Mr. Unadventurous, {10314}{10370}but I think I'll give it a miss this once. {10373}{10394}Fair enough, sir. {10399}{10458}- More for the rest of us. Eh, sir?|- Absolutely, Private. {10462}{10505}Tally-ho, barf barf! {10558}{10634}Hello, the Savoy Grill. {10650}{10680}Oh, it's you... . {10684}{10707}Yes... . {10712}{10754}Yes, I'll be over in 40 minutes. {10758}{10786}Who was it then, sir? {10791}{10817}Strangely enough, Baldrick, {10821}{10886}it was Pope Gregory IX, {10889}{10978}inviting me for drinks|aboard his steam yacht "The Saucy Sue", {10980}{11025}currently wintering in Montego Bay {11029}{11062}with the England cricket team {11067}{11113}and the Balinese Goddess of Plenty. {11117}{11199}- Really?|- No, not really. {11201}{11236}I've been ordered to HQ. {11240}{11293}No doubt that idiot General Melchett {11297}{11366}is about to offer me some|attractive new opportunities {11369}{11475}to have my brains blown out for Britain. {11615}{11694}What do you want, Darling? {11730}{11791}It's "Captain Darling" to you. {11794}{11821}General Melchett wants to see you {11825}{11865}about a highly important secret mission. {11870}{11946}- What's going on, Darling?|- Captain Blackadder to see you, sir. {11948}{11988}Ah, excellent. {11992}{12059}Just a short back and sides today,|I think, please. {12062}{12120}Er, that's Corporal Black, sir. {12124}{12170}Captain Blackadder is here|about the other matter, sir, {12174}{12200}the secret matter. {12204}{12290}Ah, yes, the special mission.|At ease, Blackadder. {12293}{12420}Now, what I'm about to tell you|is absolutely tip-top-secret. {12420}{12473}- Is that clear?|- It is, sir. {12477}{12541}Now, I've compiled a list of|those with security clearance. {12544}{12599}- Have you got it Darling?|- Yes, sir. {12602}{12622}Read it, please. {12627}{12659}It's top security, sir, {12664}{12700}I think that's all the captain needs to know. {12704}{12753}Nonsense! Let's hear the list in full! {12757}{12798}Very well, sir. {12802}{12865}{y:i}List of personnel cleared|{y:i}for Mission Gainsborough, {12868}{12940}{y:i}as dictated by General C.H. Melchett. {12943}{13009}{y:i}You and me, Darling, obviously. {13012}{13044}{y:i}Field Marshal Haig, {13048}{13074}{y:i}Field Marshal Haig's wife, {13079}{13131}{y:i}all Field Marshal Haig's wife's friends, {13135}{13188}{y:i}their families, their families' servants, {13191}{13242}{y:i}their families' servants' tennis partners, {13246}{13280}{y:i}and some chap I bumped into {13284}{13331}{y:i}in the mess the other day|called Bernard. {13335}{13430}So, it's maximum security, is that clear? {13432}{13464}Quite clear, sir. {13468}{13541}Only myself and the rest of the English-|speaking world is to know. {13544}{13566}Good man. {13571}{13619}Now, Field Marshal Haig {13623}{13695}has formulated|a brilliant new tactical plan {13698}{13776}to ensure final victory in the field. {13778}{13840}Ah. Would this brilliant plan involve us {13843}{13878}climbing out of our trenches {13883}{13946}and walking very slowly|towards the enemy, sir? {13949}{13987}How could you possibly|know that, Blackadder? {13991}{14023}It's classified information. {14028}{14093}It's the same plan that we used last time, {14096}{14158}and the seventeen times before that. {14161}{14219}E-e-exactly! {14222}{14285}And that is what is so brilliant about it! {14288}{14363}It will catch the watchful Hun|totally off-guard! {14366}{14410}Doing precisely what we have done {14414}{14432}eighteen times before {14437}{14508}is exactly the last thing|they'll expect us to do this time! {14511}{14593}There is, however, one small problem. {14595}{14675}That everyone always gets slaughtered|in the first ten seconds. {14678}{14695}That's right! {14700}{14741}And Field Marshal Haig is worried {14745}{14800}that this may be|depressing the men a tadge. {14804}{14882}So he's looking to find|a way to cheer them up. {14884}{14976}Well, his resignation and suicide|would seem the obvious solution. {14978}{15032}Interesting thought.|Make a note of it, Darling. {15036}{15074}Take a look at this... {15078}{15155}I'm sure you know it ..."King & Country". {15157}{15237}Ah, yes, without question|my favourite magazine... {15240}{15319}soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent. {15321}{15363}Top-hole, Blackadder, {15367}{15465}I thought it would be right up your alley. {15509}{15572}Field Marshal Haig's plan is this: {15576}{15679}To commission a man to do|an especially stirring painting {15680}{15719}for the cover of the next issue, {15723}{15790}so as to really inspire|the men for the final push. {15793}{15880}What I want you to do, Blackadder,|is to labour night and day {15883}{15960}to find a first-rate artist|from amongst your men. {15962}{15982}Impossible, sir. {15987}{16012}I know from long experience {16017}{16065}that my men have all the artistic talent {16069}{16150}of a cluster of colour-blind hedgehogs... {16152}{16226}in a bag. {16224}{16270}Hmm, well that's a bit of a blow. {16274}{16329}We needed a man to leave|the trenches immediately. {16332}{16379}- Leave the trenches?|- Mm-hm. {16383}{16429}Yes, I wonder if you've enjoyed, {16433}{16487}as I have sir, that marvellous painting {16491}{16570}in the national portrait gallery,|{y:i}Bag Interior, {16572}{16645}by the colour-blind|hedgehog workshop of Sienna. {16648}{16729}I'm sorry, are you saying|you can find this man? {16731}{16776}I think I can. {16780}{16835}And might I suggest, sir,|that, having left the trenches, {16839}{16930}it might be a good idea|to post our man to Paris {16932}{16982}in order to soak up a little|of the artistic atmosphere... {16986}{17036}perhaps even Tahiti... {17039}{17110}so as to produce a real masterpiece. {17113}{17157}Yes, yes, but can you find the man?! {17161}{17216}Now, I know I can, sir. {17220}{17258}Before you can say "Sunflowers," {17262}{17354}I'll have Vincent Van Gogh|standing before you. {17460}{17484}No, don't stop, sir. {17489}{17525}It's coming, it's definitely coming. {17529}{17601}I, hmm, yeah, er, hm. {17624}{17697}I just wonder whether two socks|and a hand grenade {17700}{17731}is really the sort of thing {17736}{17783}that covers of "King & Country" are made of. {17786}{17860}They will be when I've painted them|being shoved up the Kaiser's backside. {17863}{17961}- Ah, now, now, this is interesting.|- What is? {17963}{18032}Well, Private Baldrick is obviously|a bit of an impressionist. {18035}{18132}The only decent impression he can do|is of a man with no talent. {18134}{18165}What's it called, Baldrick? {18169}{18229}"The Vomiting Cavalier"? {18232}{18295}No, sir, that's not supposed to be vomit. {18299}{18382}- It's dabs of light.|- No, it's vomit. {18384}{18478}- Yes, so, why did you choose that?|- You told me to, sir. {18480}{18506}Did I? {18511}{18565}Yeah, you told me to paint|whatever comes from within, {18568}{18631}so I did my breakfast. {18634}{18703}Look, there's a little tomato. {18706}{18727}Hopeless. {18732}{18783}If only I'd paid attention|in nursery art class {18787}{18823}instead of spending my entire time {18827}{18936}manufacturing papier mach� Willies|to frighten Sarah Wallis. {18937}{18956}You know, it's funny, {18961}{19018}but painting was the only thing|I was ever any good at. {19022}{19062}Well, it's a pity you didn't keep it up. {19066}{19117}Well, as a matter of fact, I did, actually. {19121}{19155}I mean... I mean normally {19159}{19188}I wouldn't show them to anyone, {19192}{19233}'cos they're just embarrassing daubs really, {19238}{19301}but you know, ah,|they give me pleasure. {19304}{19354}I'm embarrassed to show them|to you now as it happens, {19357}{19412}but there you go, for what they're worth. {19416}{19499}To be honest, I should have|my hands cut off, I mean... {19501}{19521}George! These are brilliant! {19526}{19580}Why didn't you tell us|about these before? {19584}{19605}Well, you know, {19610}{19662}one doesn't want to blow|one's own trumpet. {19665}{19722}You might at least have told us|you had a trumpet. {19726}{19821}These paintings could spell my way out|of the trenches. {19823}{19850}Yours? {19854}{19930}That's right, ours. {19933}{19976}All we have to do|is paint something heroic {19980}{20035}to appeal to the simple-minded tommy. {20038}{20077}Over to you, Baldrick. {20082}{20182}Um, how about a noble tommy, standing, {20183}{20228}with a look of horror and disgust, {20232}{20286}over the body of a murdered nun, {20290}{20328}what's been brutally done over {20332}{20381}by a nasty old German. {20385}{20404}Excellent. {20409}{20485}I-I can see it now:|{y:i}the Nun and the Hun. {20487}{20513}Brilliant! {20518}{20543}No time to lose. {20548}{20616}George, set up your easel,|Baldrick and I will pose. {20619}{20665}This is going to be art's greatest moment {20669}{20732}since Mona Lisa sat down|and told Leonardo da Vinci {20735}{20800}she was in a slightly odd mood. {20803}{20849}Baldrick, you lie down|in the mud and be the nun. {20853}{20895}I'm not lying down there, it's all wet. {20899}{20925}Well, let's put it this way: {20929}{20956}Either you lie down and get wet, {20961}{21029}or you're knocked down|and get a broken nose. {21032}{21071}Actually it's not that wet, is it? {21075}{21093}No. {21167}{21201}Who are you going to be then, sir? {21206}{21232}The noble tommy? {21236}{21294}Precisely, standing over|the body of the ravaged nun. {21298}{21325}I want a wimple. {21329}{21379}You should have gone|before we started the picture. {21383}{21427}You know, the funny thing is, {21431}{21513}my father was a nun. {21517}{21542}No, he wasn't. {21547}{21582}He was so, sir. {21586}{21640}I know, 'cos whenever he was up in court, {21644}{21692}and the judge used to say, "Occupation?" {21696}{21789}He'd say, "None." {21828}{21848}Right. You're ready? {21853}{21881}Just about sir, yes. {21886}{21998}Um, if you just like to pop|your clothes on the stool. {21999}{22032}I'm sorry? {22036}{22083}Just pop your clothes|on the stool over there. {22087}{22224}You mean, you want me..."tackle out"? {22227}{22268}Well, I would prefer so, sir, yes. {22272}{22339}If I can remind you|of the realities of battle, George, {22342}{22385}one of the first things|that everyone notices {22389}{22457}Is that all the protagonists|have got their clothes on. {22460}{22490}Neither we nor the Hun {22495}{22544}favour fighting our battles au naturel. {22548}{22618}Sir, it's artistic license. {22620}{22683}It's willing suspension of disbelief. {22687}{22731}Well, I'm not having|anyone staring in disbelief {22735}{22786}at my Willie suspension! {22789}{22910}Now, get on and paint|the bloody thing... sharpish! {22970}{23040}Brilliant, George, it's a masterpiece. {23042}{23082}The wimple suits you, Baldrick. {23087}{23134}But it completely covers my face. {23137}{23169}Exactly. {23174}{23243}Now, then, General Melchett|will be here at any moment. {23246}{23293}When he arrives,|leave the talking to me, all right? {23297}{23340}I like to keep an informal trench, {23344}{23367}as you know, {23371}{23408}but today you must only speak {23413}{23506}with my express permission, Is that clear? {23508}{23563}Is that clear? {23566}{23611}Permission to speak. {23615}{23650}Yes, sir, absolutely. {23654}{23722}Attention! {23724}{23820}Dugout, attention! {23839}{23885}Excellent, at ease. {23889}{23909}Now, then, Blackadder, {23914}{23940}where would you like me to sit? {23945}{23990}I thought just a simple trim|of the moustache today, {23994}{24018}nothing drastic. {24023}{24074}We're here about the painting, sir. {24077}{24110}Oh, yes, of course. {24115}{24169}Good Lord, George! Ha ha ha! {24172}{24271}How are you, my boy? {24285}{24325}I said how are you? {24330}{24361}Permission to speak. {24365}{24399}Absolutely top-hole sir, {24403}{24457}with a ying and a yang and a yippetty-doo. {24461}{24489}Splendid! {24494}{24540}And your Uncle Bertie sends his regards. {24543}{24588}I told him you could|have a week off in April. {24592}{24638}Don't want you missing|the boat race, do we? {24642}{24672}Permission to speak. {24677}{24711}Certainly not. {24715}{24755}Permission to sing boisterously, sir? {24759}{24790}If you must. {24795}{24835}# Row, row, row your punt # {24839}{24880}# Gently down the stream # {24884}{25020}# Belts off, trousers down,|isn't life a scream? # {25072}{25102}Fabulous. {25106}{25166}University education, you can't beat it. {25170}{25267}Bravo! Now, what have we here? {25269}{25286}Name? {25291}{25320}Permission to speak. {25324}{25343}Baldrick, sir. {25348}{25392}Ah, tally-ho, yippety-dip, {25396}{25435}and zing zang spillip. {25439}{25557}Looking forward to bullying off|for the final chukka? {25558}{25625}Permission to speak. {25656}{25687}Answer the general, Baldrick. {25692}{25724}I can't answer him, sir, {25728}{25776}I don't know what he's talking about. {25780}{25885}Aah, are you looking forward|to the big push? {25886}{25964}No, sir, I'm absolutely terrified. {25967}{26066}Ah, the healthy humour of the honest tommy. {26068}{26152}Ha ha ha, don't worry my boy,|If you should falter, {26154}{26228}remember that Captain Darling|and I are behind you. {26231}{26321}About thirty-five miles behind you. {26323}{26376}Right, well, stand by your beds. {26379}{26439}Let's have a look|at this artist of yours, Blackadder. {26443}{26491}- Next to me, Darling.|- Thank you, sir. {26494}{26543}So, ah, have you found someone? {26547}{26629}Yes, sir, I think I have.|None other than young George here. {26631}{26681}Oh, bravo! {26685}{26710}Well, let's have a shufti then. {26715}{26789}It's simply called "War". {26792}{26859}Damn silly title, George. {26862}{26916}Looks more like a couple of socks {26919}{26962}and a stick of pineapple to me. {26966}{26998}Ah, permission to speak, sir?! {27003}{27071}Uh, I think not, actually. {27074}{27118}Quite right! {27122}{27154}If what happens|when you open your mouth {27158}{27200}Is anything like what happens|when you open your paintbox, {27204}{27238}we'll all be drenched in phlegm! {27242}{27331}Oh, no, this isn't what we're looking for|at all, is it, Darling? {27334}{27383}- No, sir.|- No sir! {27386}{27456}There is this, sir.|It's Private Baldrick's. {27459}{27556}He's called it|"My Family And Other Animals." {27558}{27616}Oh, good Lord, no! {27619}{27696}Well, I'm afraid that's about it, sir, {27699}{27792}apart from this little thing. {27794}{27849}Ah, now that's more like it! {27852}{27885}Who painted this, Blackadder? {27890}{27927}Well actually, it was me. {27931}{27993}Permission to speak|really quite urgently, sir! {27996}{28057}Damn and blast your goggly eyes, {28061}{28113}will you stop interrupting, George?! {28116}{28137}This is excellent! {28142}{28233}Congratulations, man.|It's totally inspiring! {28235}{28288}Makes you want to jump over the top {28292}{28358}and yell, "Yah boo, sucks to you, Fritzie!" {28361}{28398}Thank you, sir. {28402}{28439}Are you sure you did this, Blackadder? {28443}{28470}Of course I'm sure. {28475}{28613}- I'm afraid I don't believe you.|- How dare you, Darling? {28613}{28654}General, I can't let that slur pass. {28658}{28726}What possible low, suspicious,|slanderous reason {28729}{28783}could this office boy have {28787}{28835}for thinking that|I didn't paint the picture? {28838}{28874}Three reasons, as a matter of fact. {28879}{28997}- Firstly, you're in it.|- It's a self-portrait. {28998}{29037}Secondly, you told us you couldn't paint. {29041}{29110}One doesn't like to blow one's own trumpet. {29113}{29147}- Permission...|- Denied. {29151}{29185}And thirdly, {29189}{29286}it's signed "George." {29484}{29522}Well spotted. {29526}{29636}But not signed George,|dedicated to George. {29637}{29684}King George. {29688}{29723}Gentlemen, The King. {29728}{29797}The King!|- Where? {29799}{29849}Bravo, Blackadder, I have absolutely {29853}{29889}no hesitation in appointing you {29893}{29932}our official regimental artist. {29937}{29987}You're a damn fine chap, {29990}{30068}not a pen-pushing,|desk-sucking blotter-jotter {30071}{30091}like Darling here. {30096}{30115}Eh, Darling? {30120}{30141}No sir. {30146}{30162}No sir. {30167}{30221}Well, accompany us back|to HQ immediately. {30224}{30280}Ten shun! {30284}{30324}Permission to jolly well speak|right now, sir, {30328}{30380}otherwise I might just|burst like a bloody balloon! {30384}{30500}Later, George. Much later. {30501}{30572}Congratulations on your|new appointment, Blackadder. {30574}{30597}Thank you, sir. {30602}{30663}And may I say, Blackadder,|I am particularly pleased about it. {30667}{30691}Are you? {30695}{30726}Oh, yes. {30731}{30815}Now that you are|our official war artist, {30817}{30854}we can give you the full briefing. {30858}{30891}The fact is, Blackadder, {30896}{30941}that the King & Country cover story {30945}{30998}was just a cover story! {31001}{31076}We want you, as our top painting bard, {31079}{31109}to leave the trenches... {31114}{31138}Good. {31142}{31176}- Tonight|- Suits me. {31181}{31277}And go out into No-Man's Land. {31334}{31387}- No-Man's Land.|- Yes. {31391}{31451}- Not Paris.|- No. {31454}{31501}We want you to come back {31505}{31550}with accurate drawings|of the enemy positions. {31554}{31634}You want me to sit in No-Man's Land {31636}{31709}painting pictures of the Germans? {31712}{31755}Precisely... good man! {31759}{31808}Well, it's a very attractive proposition, {31812}{31861}but unfortunately, not practical. {31865}{31899}You see, my medium is light. {31903}{31953}It'll be pitch-dark...|I won't be able to see a thing. {31957}{31998}Ah... that is a point. {32002}{32022}I tell you what... {32027}{32069}We'll send up a couple of flares. {32073}{32134}You'll be lit up like a Christmas tree. {32137}{32234}Oh, excellent. Glad I checked. {32254}{32304}All right... total and utter quiet. {32308}{32390}So, for instance, if any of us|crawl over any barbed wire, {32392}{32438}they must on no account go... {32442}{32465}Aaahhh!!!! {32470}{32528}You just crawled over|some barbed wire, sir? {32531}{32555}No, Baldrick, {32560}{32606}I've just put my elbow|in a blob of ice cream. {32610}{32629}Well, that's all right. {32634}{32682}Now, where the hell are we? {32686}{32730}It's a bit difficult to say. {32733}{32792}We appeared to have crawled into an area|marked with mushrooms. {32796}{32849}And what do those symbols denote? {32852}{32910}That we're in a field of mushrooms? {32914}{32961}That is a military map, {32965}{33050}It is unlikely to list|interesting flora and fungi. {33052}{33106}Look at the key and you'll discover {33109}{33149}that those mushrooms aren't for picking. {33154}{33199}Good Lord, you're quite right, sir. {33202}{33238}It says "mine". {33243}{33287}So these mushrooms {33291}{33387}must belong to|the man who made the map. {33437}{33521}Either that, or we're in the middle|of a mine field. {33524}{33555}Oh, dear. {33559}{33596}So he owns the field as well? {33653}{33731}They're firing, sir, they're firing! {33734}{33792}Yes, thank you, Lieutenant. {33795}{33881}If they hit me, you'll be sure|to point it out, won't you? {33883}{33939}Get on with your drawing|and let's get out of here. {33943}{33988}Surely we ought to|wait for the flare, sir, {33992}{34029}you see, my medium is light... {34033}{34105}Just use your imagination,|for heaven's sake! {34108}{34158}Wait a minute... that's the answer. {34162}{34226}I can't believe I've been so stupid! {34229}{34255}That is unusual, {34259}{34306}'cos usually I'm the stupid one. {34310}{34336}Well, I'm not over-furnished {34341}{34384}In the brain department. {34388}{34419}Well, on this occasion, {34423}{34454}I've been stupidest of all. {34459}{34495}Oh, now, sir, {34499}{34542}I will not have that. {34546}{34590}Baldrick and I will always be {34594}{34623}more stupid than you. {34628}{34653}Isn't that right, Baldrick? {34657}{34694}Stupid, stupid, stupid! {34699}{34751}Yeah... stupidy, stupidy, stupidy! {34754}{34782}The stupidest stupids {34787}{34822}In the whole history of stupidityness! {34969}{35025}Finished? {35029}{35074}I think the obvious point is this... {35078}{35111}We'll go straight back to the dugout {35115}{35151}and do the painting from there. {35155}{35191}You do the most imaginative, {35196}{35246}most exciting possible drawing {35249}{35296}Of German defences|from your imagination. {35300}{35336}I say, now, that is a challenge. {35340}{35416}Quite. Come on, let's get out of here. {35419}{35460}Oh, sir, just one thing... {35464}{35509}If we should happen to tread on a mine, {35513}{35577}what do we do? {35587}{35631}Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, {35635}{35693}is to jump 200 feet into the air {35696}{35820}and scatter yourself over a wide area. {35841}{35911}Are you sure this is what you saw,|Blackadder? {35914}{35949}Absolutely. {35953}{35992}There may have been|a few more armament factories {35996}{36058}and not quite as many elephants, {36062}{36133}but that's generally it. {36135}{36201}Well, you know what this means. {36205}{36272}If it's true, sir, we'll have to|cancel the push. {36275}{36311}Exactly. {36315}{36377}- Damn!|- What a nuisance. {36380}{36451}Exactly what the enemy|would expect us to do, {36454}{36519}and therefore, exactly what we shan't do! {36522}{36565}Ah. Now... {36569}{36632}If we attack where the line is strongest, {36635}{36672}then Fritz will think|that our reconnaissance {36676}{36706}is a total shambles. {36711}{36781}This will lull him into a sense|of false security, {36784}{36824}and then next week we can attack {36828}{36885}where the line is actually badly defended, {36888}{36936}and win the greatest victory {36940}{36998}since the Winchester flower arranging team {37002}{37114}beat Harrow by 12 sore bottoms to one! {37115}{37216}Tell me... have you ever|visited the planet Earth, sir? {37217}{37305}So, best fighting trousers on, Blackadder! {37308}{37341}Permission to shout "Bravo" {37345}{37372}at an annoyingly loud volume, sir! {37377}{37402}Permission granted. {37406}{37428}Bravo!!!! {37433}{37488}That's the spirit! {37492}{37530}Just your kind of caper, eh, Blackadder? {37534}{37558}Oh, yes. {37563}{37643}Good luck against those elephants. {37678}{37734}Get me a chisel and some marble, {37737}{37754}will you, Baldrick? {37759}{37802}Taking up sculpture now, sir? {37806}{37869}No, I thought I'd get my headstone done. {37872}{37903}What are you gonna put on it? {37908}{37955}{y:i}Here lies Edmund Blackadder, {37959}{38032}{y:i}and he's bloody annoyed. {38033}{38074}We're going over, are we, sir? {38078}{38160}Yes, we are, unless I can think|of some brilliant plan. {38162}{38246}Would you like some rat au vin|to help you think? {38248}{38289}Rat au vin? {38294}{38337}Yeah, it's rat, and it's been... {38341}{38405}...run over by a van. {38408}{38450}No thank you, Baldrick. {38454}{38534}Although it gives me an idea. {38536}{38566}Telephone, please. {38571}{38630}I suppose Blackadder and his boys {38633}{38683}will have gone over the top by now, sir. {38687}{38729}Yes. God, I wish I was out there with them, {38733}{38789}dodging the bullets,|instead of having to sit here {38792}{38818}drinking this Chateau Lafitte {38823}{38930}and eating these fillet mignons|with sauce bernaise. {38931}{38963}My thoughts exactly, sir. {38968}{39014}{y:i}Damn this Chateau Lafitte. {39018}{39074}He's a very brave man, Blackadder, {39077}{39132}and of course that lieutenant|of his, George. {39136}{39180}Cambridge man, you know. {39184}{39299}His uncle Bertie and I|used to break wind for our college. {39300}{39381}Slightly unusual taste,|this sauce bernaise. {39383}{39483}Yes, and to be quite frank,|these mignons are... {39485}{39519}are a little... well... {39523}{39570}What? {39574}{39609}Well, dungy. {39613}{39659}What on earth's wrong with our cook? {39663}{39732}Well, it's rather strange story, sir. {39735}{39775}Oh? Tell, tell. {39779}{39852}Well, sir, I received a phone call|this afternoon {39855}{39954}from Pope Gregory IX|telling me that our cook {39956}{40008}had been selected for|the England cricket team {40011}{40071}and must set sail|for the West Indies immediately. {40075}{40104}Really? {40108}{40163}Barely a moment later,|the phone rang again. {40167}{40232}It was a trio of wandering Italian chefs {40235}{40308}who happened to be in the area|offering their services. {40311}{40363}So I had the quartermaster|take them on at once. {40366}{40450}Oh? Jumping Jupiter! {40453}{40569}Are you sure these are real raisins|In this plum duff? {40570}{40644}Oh yes, I'm sure they are, sir. {40646}{40690}Everything will be all right {40694}{40774}once the cream custard arrives. {40814}{40875}Jolly good fun, sir, but dash it all, {40878}{40924}we appear to have missed the big push! {40928}{40995}Oh, damn, so we have. {40998}{41060}One thing puzzles me, Baldrick... {41064}{41123}How did you manage|to get so much custard {41126}{41238}out of such a small cat? {42231}{42326}Captioned by Captioneering|Your Closed Captioning Resource 0 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net 32761