All language subtitles for Black Adder - 1x05 - Witchsmeller Pursuivant.ReEdit.en

What about this plague, then? Rumours from
the North say it's worse there than ever.

No, no... Now that we've found out about
the rats, we'll never have plague again.

You know what they're saying: "A
rat a day keeps the plague away!"

Believe me, madam, there'll be
no more plague in our lifetime.

Well, I hope you're right.

Ah, Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you.
- Doing what?

I'm afraid Father's feeling
a bit under the weather.

Oh, dear. Any idea what?

Not sure. I think it's
probably Black Death,

Nevertheless, I am sure that he'd
appreciate a little visit from you.

Well, I'm sure I can pop
my head around the door.

Sort of nowish.

Mother, would you like to...?

No, dear. He won't let me near him.

Oh.

Slaaay!

How is he?

Well, he's up.

My Lords of the Council, we face today
the gravest crisis this country has known

since the Roman invasion!
Therefore, I propose...

The King has stirred and calls for you.

Ah. Very well...

Gentlemen! I must leave you.

Prince Edmund is in charge!

Shame!

Ah, yes. Ah, right.

Er, gentlemen, right.
Well, as you know...

"Today we face the gravest
crisis this country has known

"since the Roman invasion."
- Rubbish!

What about the Viking invasion?

...and the Norman invasion?
- ...and the Swiss invasion?

Well, the greatest crisis for some time.

- And we all know why!
- Why?

- Because the King is possessed!
- What?

True. The land is full
of omens of bewitchment!

Only last week in Cornwall, a man with
four heads was seen taking tea on the beach!

And two women in Windsor claim
to have been raped by a fish!

I, too, have heard such tales.

- In Harrogate it rained phlegm.
- Eugh!

And they do say that, in
Edinburgh, the graves did open

and the ghosts of our ancestors rose up

and competed in athletic sports.

A friend of mine had this awful
pimple on the inside of his nose!

- Percy, shut up.
- Witchcraft!

And a farmer in Rye heard a
cow reciting Geoffrey Chaucer,

and a young woman in Shropshire
saw Geoffrey Chaucer in a field,

mooing and suckling a young heifer!

Gentlemen, gentlemen! Surely, we aren't the
sort of people who believe in this sort of thing.

I mean, next you'll be telling me

that washing your hair in bats'
droppings stops you going bald!

But it's true! I couldn't find
enough bats and look what happened.

I move that we do the
only thing we can do

to remove this curse from the kingdom.

Ah, that sounds like
the answer, doesn't it!

Send for the Witchsmeller Pursuivant.

Aye!

Now, wait! Wait! Wait!

- Percy! Percy!
- What?

What the devil do you
think you're doing?

Look, look, I just can't take the
pressure of all these omens any more!

Percy...

No, no, really, I'm serious.
Only this morning in the

courtyard, I saw a horse
with two heads and two bodies!

Two horses standing next to each other?

Yes, I suppose it could have been.

Honestly, Percy, I bet
you're just the sort of person

who thinks that sticking your
finger up a sheep's bottom

on Good Friday makes you fertile!
- Rubbish!

Quite, really.
- It's Easter Monday.

Yes... Remind me not to shake your hand

during the religious festival.

I don't believe it. I mean, who is
this Witchsmeller Pursuivant, anyway?

I don't know, My Lord,
but Mistress Scott would.

The old crone with the cat!

Oh yes, the cat! Lovely. Oh,
but she lives in the village!

So?
- Everyone's dying of the plague!

Oh, yes, that's what they
claim, those peasants!

Any excuse to get off
a decent day's work...

I mean, obviously, there
are some genuine cases.

Good mornin', Prince Edmund.
- Morning, peasant.

Good morning, Prince Edmund.
- Morning, peasant.

Morning, Prince Edmund.
- Morning, peasant.

My Lord, shouldn't you disguise yourself?
- Hmm?

Well, I mean, we don't
want someone with a grudge

coming up and infecting you on purpose.

Ah, yes, you're right.

Morning, stranger.
- Morning, friend.

Morning, stranger.
- Morning, friends!

Who is that dark stranger?

Oh, that'll be Prince Edmund.

This way, My Lord.

Yes.

Bring out your deeeeaaad!

You! Where's Mistress Scott?
- You've just passed her.

What?

Oh, my God!

And what's that?

The, er, cat, My Lord.

Does anyone know what happened?

No! I don't!

Me neither. I was on the other
side of town when we burned her.

Ssh!

You burned her? Why?

I don't know. - Well, it was
because she was a witch, wasn't it?

You burned Mistress Scott
for being a witch? Why?

I can't say. It's a secret.

A secret? Do you know who I am?
- A stranger.

Oh, yes. That's right.

Well, tell me anyway.
- No, no, we can't.

And I'll tell you why. Because if
you'd been part of a secret committee

to invite the Witchsmeller
Pursuivant into town,

and he'd already burnt four of your best
friends, would you go telling everyone?

No, I suppose I wouldn't.

So... So is it the Witchsmeller
Pursuivant who burnt her?

He's guessed.
- He's clever.

They don't call him Clever
Jake for nothing, you know.

Well, they don't call me Clever Jake.

Oh, I see.

So, what does this
witchsmeller man look like?

No one knows, My Lord. No one.

He is a master of disguise, and
he mostly appears only at night.

That's right. Innit?
- I believe so.

Ah, right.

So he won't be around now.
Well, let me tell you something.

If this so-called witchsmeller
burnt Mistress Scott...

And her pussy cat.
- And her pu... Be quiet, Percy.

..then something's wrong with
his nose, and I should know.

They don't call me
Clever Pete for nothing.

- Jake, My Lord.
- What about him?

- Clever Jake.
- Where?

- You are Clever Jake.
- Oh, yes.

They don't call me Clever Pete at all.

They call me Clever Jake,

and if I were you and I'd asked
the witchsmeller into town,

I'd kick the big-nosed
bully straight out again!

What do you say?

I think it's worth
serious consideration.

Exactly.

Take Clever Tom's advice

and send him back to the
madhouse he came from...

Come on, boys. Put them down, Percy.

Come on. Mistress Scott is obviously
in no state to help us today.

I have two functions,
to protect the good...

and to crush the evil.

Watch!

Fascinating!

Absolutely fascinating!

Um...actually you have
crushed both eggs, you know?

Some that seem good
sometimes proveth to be evil.

My Lords, the Duke of Edinburgh.

Ah, Edmund! Come on in!
The witchsmeller's arrived!

Oh! Old Big Nose is back, is he?

Oh...hello.

I'm delighted to meet you. I'm
one of your greatest admirers.

"Old Big Nose is back"?

Yes, old Big Nose is back.
He's in an terrible state.

I was talking to him just now.

He's a great admirer of yours as well.

- Who's this?
- Old Big Nose.

In fact, I've been hearing
about your work in Taunton.

Imagine that!

Every single person in the village
having an affair with the same duck.

The Duck of Taunton was
a tragic circumstance.

And I hear you very kindly burnt
our Mistress S-Scott for us.

Oh, yes...and her pussy cat.

Ah, b-but have you found
the chief witch yet?

I fear I may be very close.

Oh! Get the kindling ready. Make
sure that stake is well done!

Witchsmeller, my dear,

if you do happen to come across
someone who's a bit, you know, witchy,

how do you prove him guilty?

By trial or by ordeal.
- Ah, ordeal by water?

- By axe.
- Oh?

The suspected witch has
his head placed upon a block

and an axe aimed at his neck.

If the man is guilty, the axe will
bounce off his neck, so we burn him.

If he is not guilty, the axe
will simply slice his head off!

What a very fair test that is.

Would you like to take a less
violent test yourself, Your Highness,

by way of demon-stration?

How much less violent?

I place before the suspect
a dagger and a crucifix.

How interesting!
- The suspect is blindfolded.

And if he picks up the dagger from
the table, he is Satan's bedfellow.

Yes, Edmund, I think
you should do it, eh?

At least take yourself
out of the running, wot!

I haven't seen your broomstick
recently, Your Highness!

I'm not so sure about all this.
- Oh.

You will all notice how it has
suddenly become much darker.

- Choose!
- There we are!

How the devil did that happen?

My Lord, as I thought, this is
the source of evil in your kingdom.

This is your witch! Lucifer's brother!

Hebleebablub! Burn the witch!

Yes, er, I'm not sure
I caught the first part of that...

Try him.
- If that's what you recommend.

But, Harry, you can't let him do this!

He is very highly thought of, you know.
- But he's a quack!

What did you say?
- Quack, quack, quack!

You see, My Lord, how the Duck
of Taunton lives within him?

Yes, I'm afraid so! Let
him be tried tomorrow.

B-But th-this...!

Lords and ladies of England,
this court is summoned to adjudge

the most heinous of all
crimes, that of witchcraft.

All the more heinous as
the accused is a prince.

Step forward, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.

Look at his hair!
- His hair proves it.

Who will defend the accused...

and thus condemn himself to
certain burning at the stake

as a partner in Satan if
the accused is found guilty?

Lord Percy will defend
His Royal Highness.

Oh, yes, yes, me, sorry, yes... Hello...

Witch!

- Witch! Witch!
- What?

His hair proves it!

My Lord, will you force
us to listen to the

pleadings of a man who
may be a witch himself?

You know, you're absolutely right.

Yes, well, that concludes the case
for the defence. Thank you, Lord Percy.

Let the prosecutor begin.

Prince Edmund, are you a Christian?

Yes, of course I am.

Can you say the Lord's Prayer?

Well, yes, I can say it
backwards if you like!

Confession!

Now, Edmund, I believe
you have a pussy cat.

Yes.

Oh! It's name is Bubbles?
- Right.

Yes, or to give it its
full name, Beelzebubbles!

Do you deny that you were seen

on the feast of Saint Jacob the Turgid

speaking to this little cat Bubbles?

Well, of course
I deny it! - A-Ah!

Ah, but the chambermaid, Mary,
heard you say, and I quote,

"Hello, little Bubbles,
would you like some milk?"

- Well, I might have said that.
- Ah!

- Ah!
- And what did you mean by it?

Well, I meant, would
the cat like some milk.

Milk? What did you mean by "milk"?
- I meant milk, bloody milk!

Bloody milk! It was a
mixture of milk and blood!

- No, no, just milk.
- The blood was to come later!

There wasn't any blood!

So you had to make do with milk!

My Lord, you have a
horse called Black Satin?

Yes.

Yes, and do you confess that
on the 13th day of Norristide

you did say to this horse
Black Satin, and I quote,

"Satin, would you like some carrots?"

I might have done. He likes carrots.

Carrots?

Ye-es, carrots.

Ladies and gentlemen, we all know

that carrots are the
devil's favourite food!

No, no, we don't. No, we don't.

If the devil likes carrots, why
isn't it mentioned in the Bible, then?

Why doesn't it say,

"A-And he took the Lord up
to the top of an high mountain

"and offered him a carrot"?

Why isn't "Thou shalt not eat
carrots" in the Ten Commandments?

It is! In the appendix
to the Apocrypha,

"And the Lord said unto the children,

"Neither shalt thou
eat the fruit of the tree

"that is known as the carrot tree."

Carrots don't grow on trees.

Oh, really? How did you get
to know so much about carrots?

- Witch!
- Oh!

My Lord, I call my first witness!

Now, Satin, just relax,
you're amongst friends. Good.

Now, tell me in your own
words, did you, Satin,

on certain nights last Garethstide,

indulge, albeit I
accept, in all innocence,

- in frenzied...
- Oh!

- ..naked and
obscene... - O-Oh!

..satanic orgies with your master,

known to you as the Great Grumbledook?

- What?
- Silence, Grumbledook!

Satin, you're not
replying. He's not replying.

Are we to assume this
horse has something to hide?

Either that or he can't talk.

A likely story.

Black Satin, known in
the hierarchy of evil

as Black Satin the Loquacious!

Are you or are you not
the servant of Satan?

I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch
that. Was that a yea or a nay?

It was a "nay", My Lord, but I don't
believe a word of it. I call for a recess.

He may think he can fool us, but
we have ways of making him talk!

Well, I suppose this is
what comes of being a witch.

I'm not a witch!

Edmund, you always
were a bit of a fibber.

Mother, I beg of you, use
whatever power you have to help me.

I haven't had any power
for years, you know.

No, b-but Father's sick! You
must do something, otherwise...

- Otherwise what?
- Well, otherwise I'll be burnt!

- Oh, yes. This would be a pity.
- Oh, thanks!

I'll see if I can sort out something.

My Lord, I had an idea
how to get out of this.

Yes?

Send for all the greatest lawyers
in the land, and they could save you!

Brilliant! Contact them at once.

I've already done it, My Lord!

Oh, Percy, thank you!
A-Are those the letters?

Um...yes!

- Well, read them.
- Um...er...very well.

This is from Robert Wyatt in Somerset.

"What you ask is
against reason and God."

"I spit on you and your master

"and look forward to passing water

"over both your graves as you lay dead."

- What does that one say?
- It's from John Watts.

Stinker Watts!

Dear Percy, of course I remember being
at school with Prince Edmund and yourself,

and so was very interested
by your letter...

Yes?

May you both die horribly.
Yours, John Watts.

Oh, no! I'm doomed!

Wait a moment, My Lord! I have
a cunning plan that cannot fail.

- What is it?
- Well...

My wife was wondering whether you'd
like to come round for dinner tonight.

- No, thanks.
- Why not?

Well, the food tastes like manure

and, frankly, I find
you both very boring.

Oh, fair enough. How
about next Thursday, then?

Um...yeah, that's lovely, yeah.
About half eight? - Yeah, be there.

Brilliant! Well done,
Baldrick. Very cunning.

You may capture the eagle,
but you cannot clip its wings.

Anyway, how's that eagle of yours?

Oh, fine. Mind you, I had a
bit of trouble to start with,

but now I've clipped
its wings, no problem.

Tomorrow I shall not be so meek.

My Lord, unhappily the horse,
Blessed Satin the Confessor,

that was to have been a witness today...

- Yes?
- ..cannot be with us.

- Oh, dear.
- However, before he died...

You bastard!

..he did make this signed confession.

I'll read it. "I, Black Satin, confess

"that my former master, Edmund,
is the servant of Satan..."

O-O-Oh.

"..and I spoke to him on
the matter frequently..."

Oo-ooh!

"..over a gallon...a gallon...
a gallon of stable boy's blood"!

Dear Lord...this tragic, horrid, nasty

and most evil case draws to an end.

I call my last witness!

Oh, yes, and what is it? A cow?

A talkative badger?

An easily bribed ant?

- I call...Jane Firkettle!
- Hooray!

Can you see that man
standing over there?

- Which?
- That's him.

'Course I recognise him!

She's seen me on a coin.

Have you or have you not committed
sins of the flesh with him?

- I have.
- You must be joking!

- To my deepest shame.
- And mine! Look at her.

Can you describe these foul deeds?

After we had just kissed once,
he transformed into a wild animal.

- Perhaps I do remember you.
- Anything else?

Yes, My Lord. Three months
later, I was great with child.

For God's sake.

- You bore him a son?
- I did. My little Johnny.

Can you see this son of
Satan anywhere in this court?

Yes, that's him!

I give you...John Grumbledook!

The hair gives him away!

Come on, he doesn't look
the slightest bit like me!

My Lord, you have three
proofs of witchcraft.

A cat that drinks blood,

a horse that talks,

and a man...who propagates poodles!

These men must burn!

Burn! Burn! Burn!

Silence for the Prince of Wales!

The verdict of this court is that the
accused are found guilty of witchcraft.

The maximum penalty the law allows
is that you be burned to death.

However, in view of your
previous good background,

I am disposed to be lenient.

Therefore, I sentence
you to be burned alive!

Do you have anything to say?

Well, yes, actually, I'd quite like to say.
- Shut up, Percy!

And you, Grumbledook?

Yes!

Now!

Brilliant, Baldrick! How you
managed that, I'll never know.

Quick, here!

You Turkish pigs!

- Percy.
- Sorry.

Look, erm, you two, you
wouldn't perhaps consider,

for a pretty hefty reward,
perhaps letting us...

Escape?

- By dressing up as...
- ..washerwomen?

- And carrying us out in...
- ..three large wicker laundry baskets?

No, obviously not.

Here comes the wife.

- Hello, Edmund.
- Hello, dear.

You look funny!

Yes, I've had all my hair cut off.

Oh, yes, that's it.

Look, there's no news
of a reprieve, is there?

Oh, no. Everyone's really looking
forward to it. Hello, boys.

Morning, Your Highness.

I have to go to my room, which
isn't fair, but, in fact...

Yes?

I think I might even get a
better view from the window!

Oh, great.

Well, I'd better be going.

Oh, yes, and your mummy
asked me to give you this.

Great! What is it?

A knife? A file? A
small bucket of water?

- No, silly, it's a dolly!
- So it is. So it is.

Great, great. It's just what we needed.

- Goodbye, Edmund.
- Goodbye, dear.

Mother?

Yes? Oh, bye-bye, dear.

I suppose, really, this must be one of the
most difficult parts of the job for you.

Yes.

And for the witch as well.
- Of course.

My Lord, I have a cunning plan.

Oh, cough off, Baldrick!

I think I might be able to stall him.

Grumbledook, your time has
come! Do you wish to confess?

- No.
- Very well.

Sorry. Sorry, yes. Yes, I do, in fact.

Confession!

I should like to confess in front of God

and this rather small crowd

that I have occasionally
done things wrong.

- Be more specific.
- Um...well...

I have erred and strayed like a lost ox.

- Sheep!
- Er...sheep.

I have coveted my father's adultery.

- Get on with it!
- I-I have not...

not honoured my neighbour's ass.

- Oh, light the fires!
- I'm a witch!

Me, too!

Burn! Burn! Burn!

Oh, damn!

I'm not even comfortable.

Argh!

How fast this heat travels!

Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it?

I feel...as if I
am...on fi-i-ire!

I know. I'm rather regretting my
choice of undergarments as well.

I'm burning! I'm burning!

I'm burning!

Yes, but I expect you're jolly
glad of that cloak in the winter.

Good Lord!

A-A-Argh!

A-Argh!

Oh! Well done, Baldrick.

Yes, that was a close shave.

Thank you, Baldrick.

Morning, my love!

Ah, morning, dear.

- Morning, Princess.
- Good morning.

What's going on out there?

Uncle Harry was going
to burn Edmund alive...

Darling? Tch, tch, tch.

Nothing, my dear, it's all sorted out now.
- Oh, good, good.

# The sound of hoofbeats cross the glade

# Good folk, lock up
your son and daughter

# Beware the deadly flashing blade

# Unless you want to end up shorter

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# He rides a pitch-black steed

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# He's very bad indeed

# Black his gloves of finest mole

# Black his codpiece made of metal

# His horse is blacker than a vole

# His pot is blacker than his kettle

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# With many a cunning plan

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# You horrid little man! #

I said he shouldn't have burnt that cat.