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1
00:00:10,672 --> 00:00:15,685
[Buzzing]
2
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Hi.
3
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Hi.
4
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I'm Jack.
5
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Whatever.
6
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[Groaning]
7
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[Faucet running]
8
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Well that was -
9
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What are you doing?
10
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Huh?
11
00:01:04,121 --> 00:01:06,084
Why do you have two phones?
12
00:01:06,084 --> 00:01:08,972
Oh, this one is just for my sluts.
13
00:01:08,972 --> 00:01:10,987
What's your last name?
14
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,888
Uh... Widdows.
15
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Great.
16
00:01:18,355 --> 00:01:19,871
Well -
17
00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:21,703
And your first name?
18
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Mitchell. Mitch. It's 212 -
19
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-940. Mitchell, not Mitch.
20
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Apartment 2B - as in 'to be or not to be.'
21
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The front door is never locked, he can just come up.
22
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OK. So.
23
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So.
24
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I'm getting a lot of woody notes here.
25
00:01:53,805 --> 00:01:56,307
Notes of wood?
26
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Sure.
27
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In the wine. Oak, maybe?
28
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Is that a thing that happens with wine?
29
00:02:01,890 --> 00:02:03,355
I don't know.
30
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Why are you getting a job at a wine shop if you don't like wine?
31
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Because it's across the street from my apartment.
32
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And I can work on my book when it's empty!
33
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How's the book coming?
34
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I lost three pages this week.
35
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That's not so bad!
36
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Now there are seven pages.
37
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That is not... great.
38
00:02:21,288 --> 00:02:22,853
It's not great.
39
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Well, good luck. I'm not drinking any more of this because I am going on a date tonight.
40
00:02:26,971 --> 00:02:30,289
Oh, is that why you're home from work early. Tell me you didn't...?
41
00:02:30,289 --> 00:02:33,582
Take a half day from work so I could come home, clean everything...
42
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try on every cardigan I own, and then clean everything again because now there are cardigans everywhere?
43
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Yes, that is exactly what I did, Oona. OK?
44
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I'm not judging! Last week I slept with a guy from Trader Joe's because I liked the way he handled my produce.
45
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Yikes. Ian?
46
00:02:48,204 --> 00:02:50,088
No! Not Ian!
47
00:02:50,088 --> 00:02:53,284
I know Ian's name. This guy is in my phone as 'Trader Joe.'
48
00:02:53,284 --> 00:02:55,605
Wow. Stay classy!
49
00:02:55,605 --> 00:02:57,722
Is this the guy you met on the dating site?
50
00:02:57,722 --> 00:02:59,206
Yes, it is!
51
00:02:59,205 --> 00:03:03,704
And we have a Personality Vector Match score that's, like, basically through the roof.
52
00:03:03,705 --> 00:03:08,918
According to the website. So that is... something.
53
00:03:08,918 --> 00:03:12,074
Yeah, a good PVM, that's huge.
54
00:03:12,074 --> 00:03:16,241
I think you're required by law to be a little bit more supportive of me, OK?
55
00:03:16,241 --> 00:03:17,905
Is that part of ObamaCare?
56
00:03:17,905 --> 00:03:19,823
I need a new best friend, don't I.
57
00:03:19,823 --> 00:03:21,888
Oh, tell me I'm not your best friend.
58
00:03:21,888 --> 00:03:23,605
I don't even know when your birthday is.
59
00:03:23,605 --> 00:03:24,439
Great!
60
00:03:24,439 --> 00:03:26,521
Like, I have no idea when your birthday is.
61
00:03:26,521 --> 00:03:29,454
Oh, shit. Is it today? Is today your birthday?
62
00:03:29,455 --> 00:03:31,872
Go now. Go far away.
63
00:03:31,872 --> 00:03:33,916
What ever happened to Ian, anyway?
64
00:03:33,915 --> 00:03:38,090
Ian did that hot thing that hot guys do where they lift up their shirts a little bit...
65
00:03:38,090 --> 00:03:40,789
and they don't even realize how hot it is.
66
00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:44,239
I know! But I found out he's vegan, so.
67
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:46,789
Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I never should have asked.
68
00:03:46,788 --> 00:03:48,920
How could you have known?
69
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:51,596
Vegan? A vegan?
70
00:03:55,088 --> 00:03:56,364
Are you Mitchell?
71
00:03:56,364 --> 00:03:57,906
Yeah! Already, wow.
72
00:03:57,906 --> 00:03:59,438
We're across the street.
73
00:03:59,438 --> 00:04:01,204
I know, it's super convenient.
74
00:04:01,205 --> 00:04:03,523
Yeah, you must be, like, the laziest person alive.
75
00:04:03,522 --> 00:04:05,223
Thank you.
76
00:04:12,824 --> 00:04:14,388
[Re: music] Is this Beauty Feast?
77
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I love them.
78
00:04:16,137 --> 00:04:20,122
Yeah! I like them too, yes it is.
79
00:04:20,122 --> 00:04:22,406
So, do you want change, or...?
80
00:04:22,406 --> 00:04:25,473
No, I'm good. You can just keep the change.
81
00:04:25,473 --> 00:04:28,032
Hey, did you like their first album better?
82
00:04:28,031 --> 00:04:30,836
Or did you like the EP? Because I liked the...
83
00:04:30,836 --> 00:04:33,022
The first one. Obviously.
84
00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:35,490
Obviously. Because it's better.
85
00:04:35,490 --> 00:04:38,156
Take it - good one!
86
00:04:38,156 --> 00:04:41,112
Ugh. Take it good one.
87
00:04:41,112 --> 00:04:42,403
"Take it good one?"
88
00:04:42,403 --> 00:04:43,588
I know!
89
00:04:43,588 --> 00:04:45,089
What does that even mean?
90
00:04:45,089 --> 00:04:46,854
I think what happened was I was trying to say "Take it easy,"
91
00:04:46,855 --> 00:04:48,823
AND "Have a good one," at the same time?
92
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:51,104
But then I got lost mid-stream.
93
00:04:51,105 --> 00:04:54,039
Oh no! Don't cross the streams!
94
00:04:54,038 --> 00:04:55,503
I know!
95
00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:57,289
It was really embarrassing.
96
00:04:57,288 --> 00:05:01,721
Maybe he thought it was a compliment, like you were calling him 'good one?' Maybe?
97
00:05:01,721 --> 00:05:02,704
I'm sure!
98
00:05:04,228 --> 00:05:07,288
No, totally embarrassing for you.
99
00:05:07,288 --> 00:05:10,920
Does that story at least make me seem charmingly flawed and unattainable...
100
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:16,906
or was I charmingly flawed and unattainable before, and now I'm just sad?
101
00:05:16,906 --> 00:05:19,156
It was all downhill from when you started talking about...
102
00:05:19,156 --> 00:05:27,105
how Mr. Bucket is a mechanized barfing toy emblematic of an early-90's obsession with body dysmorphia.
103
00:05:27,105 --> 00:05:29,242
I didn't actually say that, did I?
104
00:05:29,242 --> 00:05:30,394
Uh huh.
105
00:05:30,870 --> 00:05:37,287
Wow. I'm sorry! I get really deeply un-charming around cute boys -
106
00:05:38,072 --> 00:05:40,375
ah, men.
107
00:05:41,206 --> 00:05:45,105
Cute people. You are really cute.
108
00:05:45,105 --> 00:05:49,579
And I'm going to the bathroom now, so I'll be right back.
109
00:06:00,992 --> 00:06:02,146
[Text message tone]
110
00:06:17,458 --> 00:06:18,433
[Text message tone]
111
00:06:23,771 --> 00:06:26,283
[Erik Satie's 'Trois Gymnopedies II']
112
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:55,925
[Cell phone buzzing]
113
00:06:57,771 --> 00:07:00,163
I'll be right there.
114
00:07:20,288 --> 00:07:23,721
Hey! I'm Owen.
115
00:07:23,721 --> 00:07:26,500
Happy Thursday?
116
00:07:28,471 --> 00:07:32,322
I love this neighborhood. Have you been to that -
117
00:07:32,322 --> 00:07:35,907
Shh. Shut up.
118
00:07:41,740 --> 00:07:46,406
Hey! Slow down, dude. We have all night.
119
00:07:46,406 --> 00:07:49,323
I'm sorry to do this, but...
120
00:07:49,324 --> 00:07:52,706
My roommate just texted me, and he's locked out.
121
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:55,004
Oh! Shit.
122
00:07:55,004 --> 00:08:00,870
So... I have to let him in. At home.
123
00:08:00,870 --> 00:08:05,072
Oh. Well... I can walk you to the train?
124
00:08:05,072 --> 00:08:06,562
[Text message tone]
125
00:08:10,055 --> 00:08:17,706
Umm... OK. First of all, I am choosing to believe you about this roommate scenario, OK?
126
00:08:17,737 --> 00:08:19,439
That's very kind of you.
127
00:08:19,439 --> 00:08:22,605
Second of all, though, I have no idea who these are from!
128
00:08:22,605 --> 00:08:24,376
How many human dildos do you have?
129
00:08:24,375 --> 00:08:27,327
I don't have a human dildo!
130
00:08:30,790 --> 00:08:33,240
That's not what I'm talking about.
131
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:37,129
It's OK, Mitchell. I think we're just looking for two different things.
132
00:08:37,129 --> 00:08:37,706
We're not - !
133
00:08:37,706 --> 00:08:44,951
I'm looking for a boyfriend, and you're looking for someone really, really gullible.
134
00:08:44,951 --> 00:08:46,990
Shit.
135
00:08:46,990 --> 00:08:49,538
Look, I'll text you sometime, OK?
136
00:08:49,538 --> 00:08:51,261
Nah.
137
00:08:52,708 --> 00:08:56,387
I'm not gonna text him sometime!
138
00:08:57,572 --> 00:09:00,274
Don't worry about it.
139
00:09:03,827 --> 00:09:09,405
[Dial tone]
140
00:09:09,405 --> 00:09:13,689
I'm jacking my dick right now.
141
00:09:13,690 --> 00:09:15,372
Who the fuck is this?
142
00:09:15,371 --> 00:09:17,269
Like you don't remember.
143
00:09:17,269 --> 00:09:20,750
Get over here, Mr. Widdows.
144
00:09:20,750 --> 00:09:27,644
[Phone buzzing]
145
00:09:29,922 --> 00:09:31,588
Hi, you've reached Jack Widdows.
146
00:09:31,587 --> 00:09:33,990
I can't take your call. Leave a message.
147
00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:45,826
Pick up your fucking phone.
148
00:09:46,272 --> 00:09:47,954
It's fucking freezing out here.
149
00:09:47,953 --> 00:09:50,053
Sorry.
150
00:09:52,038 --> 00:09:56,639
Can we do this quickly? I'm on my lunch break.
151
00:09:56,639 --> 00:09:59,706
Wow! This place is a mess.
152
00:09:59,706 --> 00:10:01,922
Squalid is the new clean.
153
00:10:01,922 --> 00:10:04,413
It's disgusting.
154
00:10:11,613 --> 00:10:14,236
Can I get in here?
155
00:10:18,806 --> 00:10:20,907
You really do need to clean up.
156
00:10:20,907 --> 00:10:24,022
Also you look like shit.
157
00:10:24,022 --> 00:10:25,322
OK.
158
00:10:25,322 --> 00:10:27,009
"OK."
159
00:10:28,441 --> 00:10:30,556
So. What's up? With you?
160
00:10:30,556 --> 00:10:34,120
Can you not right now? Please?
161
00:10:35,304 --> 00:10:37,304
Work really must be stressing you out.
162
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,661
It is. And how is sitting at your desk,
163
00:10:39,662 --> 00:10:44,673
smoking weed all day and listening to Erik Satie treating you?
164
00:10:44,673 --> 00:10:47,750
Freelancing is going very well, thank you.
165
00:10:47,750 --> 00:10:48,855
That one is mine.
166
00:10:48,855 --> 00:10:50,139
This is not yours, I bought this.
167
00:10:50,139 --> 00:10:51,601
For me. On New Year's.
168
00:10:51,601 --> 00:10:53,838
You look terrible in blue, blue makes you look desperate.
169
00:10:53,839 --> 00:10:57,470
Well, thanks for stopping by! You can go now.
170
00:10:57,471 --> 00:11:01,436
Did you give my number to some idiot who you fucked? Yesterday?
171
00:11:02,405 --> 00:11:06,372
Oh, did he get in touch with you?
172
00:11:06,373 --> 00:11:08,254
Unbelievable.
173
00:11:08,254 --> 00:11:12,904
Look, Jack. I know everything got kind of fucked,
174
00:11:12,904 --> 00:11:15,302
and I said a lot of incredibly mean things to try to hurt you.
175
00:11:15,302 --> 00:11:20,865
And I just want to make sure that you know that I meant all of them.
176
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:26,480
You're poison.
177
00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:15,442
I can't believe that you're involving me in this charade.
178
00:12:15,856 --> 00:12:17,480
Don't say 'charade.'
12798
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