All language subtitles for Clarksons.Farm.2026.S05E08.Reaping.2160p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD.5.1.HDR.H.265_Full_track4_[eng]

- I'm gonna get a bed of straw.
- I've hooked up the trailer to the Range.

- Yeah.
- So we can go down in that.

Having prepped the barn
for the harvest,

we were now hurriedly converting it

into a TB-isolation unit

for the cow that hadn't passed the test.

Come on, you.

I'm afraid it's not good news for you.

She's been separated from her
calf down there, she's really distressed.

2She's pregnant with twins.

Shouldn't we get
the calf in here as well?

No, because remember
what Dilwyn said?

If the calf comes in,
the calf will have to go as well.

Is that calf gonna be
crying tonight? Or will she be crying?

- Yeah, one of them will be.
- Yeah.

Well, just,
isn't it a terrible disease?

It's just sad that a cow
should never be on its own.

- I know.
- A cow is a herd animal.

I'm so sorry.

Cow.

And there she is.

We'd got so relaxed about it hadn't we?
'Cause we'd been fine for so many years.

I know,
ten tests we've done now.

And now... I can't bear it. Such a shock.

Oh, man...

Aw...

We then went to fetch Endgame,

because given how important he was,

we felt it best to isolate him
from the rest of the herd as well.

- Farming's shit, innit?
- Yeah.

It's a sh...
I don't like it today.

I mean, that's devastating
with that poor cow there,

cow number one, but Endgame, Jesus.

I could not put him on a lorry,
I just couldn't do it.

Hello!

Endgame having a...

Oh no, Endgame's got his head
between the car and the trailer.

Endgame, you are not helping here.

Endgame, move!

Go on.

Load up. Good lad, go on then.

Go on. Go on then, lad.

Hear that noise?
That's calf shouting for mummy.

Yeah.

Come on, Endgame.

Back in solitary confinement I'm afraid.

He looks magnificent.

Poor old Endgame.

Mate!

Some levity at the end of the day.

He's so beautiful.

He is a beautiful animal.

- He'll be fine, he has to be.
- He betta be, he betta be.

They're talking to each other, look.

I know.
At least, they have each other.

Our medical work wasn't done,

because the next day,

it became clear that the calf
with pneumonia was getting worse.

Can you try and stand up for me?

Come on now, try and stand up for me.

Aw, baby.

Aw, well done.

Back at the yard,
we made a pneumonia isolation pen

for the little calf and her mum.

Oh, so heavy.

There we go.

She's breathing like she's got
fluid on her lungs I think.

- The best thing is...
- So is that pneumonia?

Yeah, that's the pneumonia.

Yeah,
I just hope it's not too late.

Aw...

I would say that is not a well calf.

We've got to keep feeding her
for the next couple of days.

And hopefully she'll get her strength
back as the antibiotics kick in.

And then, as she gets her strength back,

she will start feeding off her mum again.

Ogh, Christ Almighty.

Hoping that would be
the last time we needed to build a pen,

we tidied away the rest of the fencing.

That's all we've done
for two days is build cattle pens.

I just want to get our harvest in.

Whoa. Move out a bit.

- Oh!
- Stop!

I'm going to the fucking pub.

That is the last straw.

After all the trauma
we'd been through,

I finally got some good news.

We could start harvesting
before I went off to hospital...

and we'd begin with the oats.

It's slightly weird
doing it without Simon,

but exciting to be doing it with Kaleb.

And especially exciting
because Kaleb had bought himself...

a combine harvester.

Here we go!

The mighty Lamborghini
pressed into service once again.

No beeping or the nonsense
we got from the green one.

Look at that for one snazzy trailer.

You don't realise how big they are
until you sit in one

and you drive one down a road and you go,

oh yeah, I actually am bigger
than the road nearly.

Shit!

That'll be tight.

Oh, God...

Sorry!

Maybe I should have gone
the other way.

At the oats field, I got
my first sight of Kaleb's leviathan.

Holy cow, look at that.

That is a whopping combine.

How much wider
is that header than Simon's?

- Eight foot wider.
- Eight foot?

His was a 22 and that's a 30.

So you should have this done
in two hours?

Yeah.

- And it was only 35 grand?
- Yeah.

'Cause a new combine is what?

- Like half a million up.
- Half a million, yeah.

I can't believe
how cheap that was.

But then when he started it up,
all became clear.

It's quite wobbly.

Yeah,
it has some vibration on it.

Here we go, Kaleb Cooper
is harvesting Diddly Squat Farm

for the first time.

I'm gonna have to... Up...

It comes up.

I think I'm gonna have
to chuck that out a little bit.

Finally.

Is it actually doing any harvesting?

No.

You're definitely just
bending the oats over

and then
they're just coming back up again.

I think it's so short
I'm really struggling to get it.

- It's like combining a lawn.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna have to try
to adjust the header lower.

Yeah, that's better.
That's now cutting it.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

Hey, your first field at Diddly Squat
and we've given you a difficult one.

It is a hard one!

What was that? That's a stone.
Did you hear that?

Yeah.

'Cause I'm having to go so low,

I think we're gonna have
to just risk it this year

and potentially take the odd stone in.

Because if I go any higher,
I'm gonna miss all of the grain.

Yeah, you're harvesting rocks now.

Fortunately, some oats
were being harvested as well.

And eventually, it was time
to fire up the Lambo

and start grain carting.

Ooh, hello, he's doing it. I betta be...

Sorry, I didn't know
he was actually gonna do that.

Oh, for God's sake, Kaleb!
You're... What are you doing?

What are you doing?

We can't afford spillages like that
this year.

Shitting hell.

This is really hard.

I'm struggling to cut this.
It's so fucking short.

I know it is.

It's making a horrible noise,
I don't know what it is.

Could you come and see
if you can hear this noise?

Ah, it's these.

I know what it is.

Practical, genuinely, it's these things.

That one's not affected,
then you can see where it's rubbing here.

Oh, fuck me, yeah.

I think what's happened is,

- you know you've been running really low?
- Yeah.

I reckon you hit the earth
with it and you've broken it.

Ow! Shitting hell!
Fucking hell, that's hot.

Don't. Whatever you do, don't touch that

because they're gonna melt.

- I need some tools.
- All right.

Well, I think it's going very smoothly.

We've got half a trailer load
and it's five past twelve.

It was an hour before
Kaleb's budget combine got going again.

I thought we'd start this field
at 8, 8:30, this morning,

and have it done by 11.

Oh, well.

It's not like we're fighting moisture.

Hold on a minute.

Maybe we are.

That can't be rain.

It is.

Shit! I cannot believe it.

Look at...
That's rain, innit? It's gonna rain.

For the first time
since fucking February,

the day we start harvesting.

What the fuck?

It honestly beggars belief.

I'd say that was already...

I shall look on the CCTV of the pub.

Is it raining at the pub?

Which is nine miles in that direction.

Oh, look at that. Holy shit!

See that?

That's what's coming here.

We've had it, mate.

We need to get what we've got
in the trailer into the dry.

Shall we just load up
with what you've got?

Yeah, I think so.

Fuck it, we're not gonna pay
drying charges this year.

That would be ridiculous.

Do not want heavy downpour on it.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Tell me when you're empty.

All yours, mate. Go for it.

Here comes the rain.

Yeah, I can't even see the other side
of the valley now.

Bloody hell.

Shit!

It's really coming down now.
Come on, come on.

Oh, no!

That's never gonna work.

Fucking hell.

Not now, not now, not now.

No! No! No!

I'm in such a panic
I can't do it any more.

Finally.

Mercifully,
the rain eventually stopped.

And after three hours
of warm sunshine...

13.6!

Let's go, go, go!

We got going again.

And soon,

we were in a perfect
golden hour harvesting groove.

I've got a deer in front of me.
Come on, little one, move.

Now I'm back with a smile on my face.

Sun's out,

combine's working properly now.

Now,
we're farming.

Whoa. Slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly.

Ooh, that's right at the back.

Not bad.

See you concentrating.

You're spilling some!
You're spilling it!

You're spilling it!

I was too busy calling him a wanker.

Beautifully done, Jeremy.
Beautifully done, I think.

Are you watching that, Piastri?

Just saying.

I was just thinking, though,

now we're alone,

that if I hadn't have got myself
checked out,

and they hadn't caught the problem early,

this could well have been
my last harvest.

It's only because they did catch it early
there's every hope

I'll be harvesting this farm
for many, many years to come.

Mate, I wanna thank you.
This is like a dream.

Ever since I was a boy,
this is a dream come true.

Especially when I started here,
10 years ago, believe it or not,

and this is my first year being sat
in the combine doing the work.

It is... It's an honour, but absolute...

I'm buzzing.

I love that.

I mean, I'm buzzing 'cause it's my farm.

He's buzzing 'cause he's
in his own combine for the first time.

Everybody's buzzing at Diddly tonight.

As the sun began to set,
there was some welcome news from Kaleb.

Well, that's the oats done.

Finished.

And finished well.

I'll see you tomorrow, mate.

Yeah, catch you tomorrow.
Thank you.

No, thank you. Enjoyable day.

Well, a fraught day,
but we did get it done.

Thanks to the drought,

the oats yield was visibly smaller
than in previous years.

But it could have been worse.

It could have been the next crop
we harvested,

the mustard seed.

This is it.

Jesus wept.

I mean... Just so that the ladies
and gentlemen understand.

We should have, you know, filled
this section, you know, with a good...

How many acres is that field?

Five? Six?

Er, we only... It was 2.4 hectares.

- So 5 acres.
- Yeah.

But we only combined half of it.

Which did you get,
the brown or the yellow?

- The far side.
- The far side, the brown.

- The yellow failed.
- Failed, yeah.

The next morning, I was told

that my cancer operation
would happen in six days.

Come on.

And I desperately wanted
to get both the winter wheat

and the spring barley
harvested before then.

But, sod's law,

it immediately started raining again.

Erm, we gotta get timings worked out
in all seriousness because...

Yeah, the pressure's on.

Today's likely to be a write-off
'cause of the weather.

Yeah.

- Which leaves us with Wednesday...
- Potentially tomorrow.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

Sunday, I have to go down to London

'cause I'm in in the hospital
at 6:30 on Monday morning.

And I really want to try
and get it done by then.

And then you've got...
Your third child is due...?

Er, potentially the end of next week.

But she's always like seven days early.

Christ Almighty. So we've...

That's all right. I mean,
as long as I'm there for the birth.

Incredibly,

after one of the driest summers on record

and far too late to help the crops,

it then rained solidly
for the next three days.

This meant it was Saturday

before Kaleb could bring
his combine back to Diddly Squat,

and this time,
to hasten his passage through the town,

I provided an escort.

All those years he's given me stick

because my tractor is "too big"

and then he goes and buys a combine

bigger than a Nimitz-class
aircraft carrier.

You're clear
to come through.

I'm way.

At least, we're not the only ones
that block the roads up

Do you want bread and lager?

- Yep!
- You need a combine.

100 percent!

Thanks to my "professional escort services",

we were soon at the farm

and gearing up to go.

holding.

working well.

Let's get some wheat in this trailer.

I now had just a day and a half
to harvest the wheat and the barley

before going off to hospital.

But the hugeness of Kaleb's combine

meant it could harvest extremely quickly.

That's a staggeringly full trailer.

Normally, with two combine loads,
albeit with a smaller combine,

it's sort of three-quarters full.

That's properly full.

See you in a bit.

Go!

You're gonna have to be really speedy

because I don't think
I'm gonna make it around again

without you being here.

Okay.

So there can be no shilly-shallying here,

no making a mistake.

Bloody hell.

That's knocked
the bloody door mirror back in.

In.

Here it is.

Let's get this bloody mirror
back out again. Shit.

Oh...

I'm trapped in my own cab.

Can someone
on the film crew come and pull this?

Just pull it back.

Oh, that's not brilliant.

Well, that's it,
this is where I live now.

I live in the cab.

Where are you?

I'm ready. I'm full. Come on.

Chris is going to have a go.

Shit.

Yeah, that's probably overdone it.

Come on now,
let's not make a mess of this.

Quick, quick, quick.
What's he doing?

How in the corner is that!

And back we go!

Go!

♪ All night long,
you've been looking at me ♪

For hours we powered on...

And the going was smooth.

♪ You've got your hips
swinging out of bounds ♪

♪ And I like the way you do... ♪

Nicely done.

Totally professional.

♪ That's right, that's right,
that's right, that's right ♪

♪ I really love your tiger light ♪

♪ That's neat, that's neat,
that's neat, that's neat ♪

♪ I really love your tiger feet ♪

Quarter to three, Saturday.

This time tomorrow, I set off for London.

Come the evening,

we were only two cartloads away
from finishing the wheat,

which meant that tomorrow morning,
with an early start and some luck,

we'd get the barley done as well.

But then...

"Clutch pedal short circuit.

The clutch pedal sensor,
engine power..."

There's a short.

Kaleb,
we've got a serious problem in here.

"Clutch pedal
sensor grounding short circuit."

What, you've got no clutch at all?

No.

It's paralysed.

In desperation, I called Ben,
the local Lambo mechanic.

Good evening, sir.

Ben quickly discovered
it wouldn't be a simple fix.

- It's definitely the sensor's gone.
- Well, we... Yeah.

But when he heard
about the urgency,

he did what farming people do:

cancelled his plans
for the evening to help out.

I'm gonna rob, pillage and raid
another tractor in someone's yard

to get you up and running.

I can't thank you enough.

We will get you up and running
in one way, shape or form.

Overnight,
he dragged the tractor back to the yard

and tried everything
to get it going again.

So, I'm having
to go through and check every plug,

every wire, every control unit

from basically here all the way down

via the gearbox
back up to everything up in this corner.

- Oh shit, really?
- Yeah, yeah.

So I know this is an impossible question
to answer but I'm gonna ask it anyway.

When do you think it will be mended?

If you got it back today,
it would be some form of a miracle,

'cause I've gotta
take half the cab apart, yes.

Okay.

In the end, though,
it didn't matter anyway.

- That is... Yeah, that's...
- Amazing.

That is...

- It's wet rain as well.
- Yeah.

I'll go pack my bag.

- No point hanging around, is there?
- No.

- Not gonna get any harvesting done.
- Get over there and get comfortable.

So...

- Barley.
- Yeah.

And, er, I'll see you on the flip side.

Don't worry about anything here,
all right?

- Look after yourself.
- Will.

Lisa, look after him.

No, she's back. She's gotta grain cart.

- I know, but driving him up there.
- I...

I'll be back tomorrow.

- Yeah.
- You need anything, let me know.

Well no, I'll be in
at 6 in the morning, I'm in.

Yeah,
we can do Facetime if you want.

I'll put you on the front of the tractor.

- Okay.
- Yeah? All right, look after yourself.

- See you.
- See you later.

- See y'all.
- Thanks, K.

See you everyone.

- All right. Off the clutch.
- Yeah.

Always at a moving speed
where it's just creeping at 2 K.

- Little turns like this.
- Yeah.

'Cause the second that you don't
do it quickly you jackknife.

The trailer's got a mind of its own.

What I'm gonna do
is I'm gonna counter what he wants to do.

Yeah, okay.

- All right?
- Okay.

You've got this.

So, I want to go in there.

Here we go, I'm...

And we go back...

That way.

I've knife-jacked.

Okay, wheels are going that way.

That's it. That's it!

Straighten your wheel up now.
Straighten your wheel up.

Too much.

Come on, we can do this. Er...

That's it. Now straighten your wheel up.
Straighten your wheel up, Lisa.

What?

Come on.

Get your fuckin' act together, Hogan.

I can see that she's got it.

As she starts now, look for example,
she's nailed this bent.

It's the last little bit.
As soon as she gets near this barn,

she goes into panic mode
and go, "I don't wanna hit the barn."

Holy fuck.

That's it!

That's it!

Yes!

She smashed it!

- Great view from up here, isn't it?
- Yeah.

There is Kaleb...

in his combine harvester.

And then, I am going
to get all the grain in there

and I'm gonna bring it back to the barn.

Oh, the light's on!

Are you ready, Lisa?

I'll be with you in two secs.

Shit. Okay, the brakes are on.

If you can try and line up
under the straw row, Lisa.

We'll be doing it on the move.

Are you sure?

- On the move?
- Yeah.

Yes.

Okay, I can do this.

Keep that trailer fully underneath
that spout, I'll do the rest, all right?

Just stay there like that. That's it.

Well done, Lisa!

Yeah, look at that! Look at you!

I did it!

Are you turning?
Yes, you're turning!

That is barley in the barn!

I'm so happy!

So, last load.

An honest day's work is done.

Yeah, catch you tomorrow. Thank you.

Oh, my God!

I'm full, Lisa.

Where are you?

What's your problem?

Yeah, fucking broken down, yeah,
in a Lambo, of course I have, yeah.

Come by, yeah.

Kaleb, we are truckin'. Second works.

Last strip, Lisa.

Yay!
That's it for the spring barley!

Well done, you've done great.

Lisa's doing amazing,
don't get me wrong.

But I'm missing Jeremy's voice
over the radio.

It's gonna sound really soppy
and everything.

I don't miss his skill.

I miss him as a friend being here,
doing this together.

This is our thing.

Go! Go on then.

Come here, come on kids.
Away you go.

♪ I pulled in to Nazareth,
was feeling 'bout half past dead ♪

No, no, wait, wait!

♪ Someplace where I can lay my head ♪

♪ "Hey, mister, can you tell me
where a man might find a bed?" ♪

Goats, goats, goats. Yes!

Come on, boys.

Let's go, let's go.

♪ Take a load off, Fanny ♪

♪ Take a load for free ♪

The first of Diddly Squat Farm's
new apple trees.

♪ And you put the load right on me ♪

So this is the first field
that we used the Agbot on,

and where we put fewer seeds in.

Because they weren't competing
with each other,

they actually have ended up
the highest yielding part of the field.

Like if you have a hundred puppies
from one dog,

they're all gonna get less milk.

Whereas if you only have ten puppies,

they're gonna get better milk.

What the fuck's going on?
Why are we talking puppies?

♪ I picked up my bag,
I went looking for a place to hide ♪

♪ When I saw Carmen and the Devil
walking side-by-side ♪

All this has gotta go.

So we can then put
the durum wheat in here,

'cause we've had to isolate the cows
that have got suspected TB

where we'd normally put the durum wheat.

♪ "I gotta go,
but my friend can stick around" ♪

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Oh, my God!

♪ Take a load off, Fanny ♪

Richard. Richard Ham.

Good man, James Boar.

Oh, now you messed up.

Can you ride a donkey?

Course you can,
that's what they're made for.

I thought they were made
for putting stuff on.

Have you never seen
Mary and Jesus?

Mary was on the donkey.

Yeah, well, she's lazy.

♪ Take a load off, Fanny
Take a load for free ♪

The sheep are like,
"What are those?"

The donkeys are like, "What are those?"

Er, sheep, stop it!

No!

♪ You put the load right on me ♪

Kaleb?

Jeremy?

I have returned!

You're back!

I can see you!

I have returned.

Ooh. I am back. That was bloody painful.

Look at you bounce along!

Ooh...

My anus...

I'm back.

- How are you feeling?
- Good.

- Yeah?
- Strong, yeah, no, strong.

How'd it all go, all right?

I won't know
whether it's worked or not for...

till November probably.

Oh, okay. What, have you just gotta do
like general blood tests?

Yeah, they do blood tests and things.

Um, you know, the prostate,

10% of it is dead.

- Oh, okay.
- The 10% with the cancer in it.

- What does that mean then?
- They use, like, it's ultrasound, so...

Have you ever got a magnifying glass
on a piece of paper on a sunny day?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you can make that little spot.

Or do it like someone sunbathing,
do it there, just for fun.

Yeah, well I wouldn't do that,
but I'm not a young farmer.

Anyway, they do that,
but with sound waves.

So they get sound waves
and then direct them onto the cancer

and blitz it.

The only problem I've got,

- you know where the prostate is?
- Yeah, yeah.

I'm fine standing up like this.

And I'm fine sitting in like an armchair.

But if you're in a chair
that's doing this.

Is it a little bit touchy?

When you have a wee, in my condition,

it's accompanied by a high pitched,
keening squeal.

- Does it hurt?
- Ooof, yes. Yeah.

Yeah.
Have you ever had a catheter?

Weirdly not.

- Don't do it, it's not nice.
- I got circumcised.

Yes, that's not the same thing.

Oh...

As I was back
for the durum wheat harvest,

there was no need for Lisa
to grain cart any more,

but she loved it so much
she'd nicked one of Kaleb's tractors

and turned up for work as usual.

Never done this
before. Both of us grain carting.

We are the A Team.

Jeremy coming back, we're now the B Team.

I've missed all this.

This is well and truly shit.

I mean, I can see
with my own eyes that it's shit.

What's the combine saying?

0.2 tonne a hectare.

- A fifth of a tonne a hectare?
- Yeah.

Six or seven
is the average and we're getting 0.2.

Jesus Christ.

It's gonna take him about
a year and a half to fill the combine up.

After an eternity,
Kaleb was finally ready to offload.

Lisa, where are
you? I'm about to be full in a minute.

Amazing. Yeah, on my way.

Erm...

Lisa, on the way
back down after this run here, yeah?

Roger that.

Kaleb, erm...

I mean, I don't mind,
I'm just wondering why you selected Lisa

for this job and not me?

'Cause she's better at it
than you to be honest.

Is she?

Lisa, let's go to channel 6
or something, and Jeremy can stay on 5.

Well done, Lisa. Perfect again.

Oh, my God.

You are kidding. Is that it?

That was all of it. It's mad.

Hey, hold on,
are we finished this field?

Yeah, this field's done, mate.

So I was completely redundant?

Thank you for showing up,
though, it means a lot.

Okay...

As we moved into
the next field...

A man arrived who I could now
share medical war stories with.

- Ah, Gerald.
- Jeremy!

How are you? You all right now?

Yeah, I had the, um... The op.

Yeah, grand.

And they're just fingers crossed
it's worked. You don't know yet.

I tell you what though. Catheter.

Oh, my God.

I'll tell you what.

Going on four to five years,

so I went to put
me hand down to pull it up.

I just... It keeps on
"bing, bing, bing", didn't it?

Took all the skin right back.

Oh, my God.

Honestly, no, that was the worst.

70% full now, Lisa.

Roger that.

Do you got injections
to have in your bum,

and some there as well?

- Huh?
- They'll tell ya.

Have I?

Hot cross buns, I call them.

Yeah.

Lisa, are you ready?

Yeah, coming to get you.

Funny enough...

Hang on.

Oh, bloody hell!
She's done it again.

The Kaleb-and-Lisa stitch-up
carried on all day

despite my best efforts to break it.

I'm gonna drive alongside
Kaleb all the time

and then he's forced

to unload his seed into my trailer.

What are you gonna do about that, Lisa?

Oh, hang on.

Sorry.

Jeremy wants a load!

Lisa's gonna block him off!

Lisa, come on.

Come on, guys!

The following morning,
I was desperate to do some grain carting

but first of all, I had
to check on the animal hospital.

Aw, you're back
lying down again.

Mind you, your head's up, that's good.

Come on,
you can fight off a bit of pneumonia.

I did.

Ooh, up you get.

That's good, that's good.

Aw, Endgame.

Oh, look. How are you today?

Good bull. Good bull.

You're lucky being able to do that.

I can't do that. Not without squealing.

I'll see you in a bit.

Visit over,
I went to join Kaleb and Lisa

as they were harvesting
the very last field of 2025.

I'm arriving at the field now.
Where would you like me?

Yeah, no,
I'm gonna want you on the east side.

Yeah, look, Lisa has queue-jumped again.

- Hello.
- Hello. Are you all right?

So you're definitely in labour now?

- Yeah.
- All right.

How close are they then?

Every five minutes.

How-- how close do you need 'em?

Yeah, all right. Bye, bye-bye.

Taya's in labour.

You're kidding.

No.

Shit, you gotta go.

No, not yet.
I'll finish this field quickly.

You did hear that.

Jesus, mate, congratulations.

Can you believe it, he's gonna carry on
harvesting even though Taya's in labour.

Can you tell
it's the third child, not the first?

Can you tell he's a farmer
and not working for the council?

Is she packed?
How's she getting to the hospital?

Well, they're only every five minutes
at the moment, the contractions,

so she's got a bit of time, so...

Who's with her?

Er, no one.

He does sometimes get muddled up

between his partner and, like, cows.

"Oh, cows can manage."

Yeah, 'cause they don't have much
emotional intelligence

and they don't remember things like this.

Girls do, in my experience.

I'm calculating
half an hour to finish this off, mate.

Yeah, I think so roughly yeah.

Do you know what you're having?

Yeah, a little boy.

Got a name?

Yeah.

What is it, Jeremy?

Definitely fucking not.

Just under 30 minutes later,

the father-to-be was completing
his very last strip.

There it is.

Wooh!

Harvest 2025 complete!

And let us never, ever repeat it.

Very best of luck. Best of luck.

- Thank you very much.
- Hit it.

You better get back.

We'll try and edit this bit out
where you ignored

the fact
that your girlfriend was in labour.

- I'll send you a picture.
- Give her my love. Yeah, do.

And a name.

Well, hopefully we can end
on a happy note with a new baby.

Haven't had very many happy moments
these last few weeks.

That might be one of them.

Although the harvest was complete,

we obviously couldn't relax,

because there'd be
the results to go through...

and the whole farm was still on lockdown

while we waited for a second test
on the cow with suspected TB.

However, there was a moment
I'd been looking forward to.

Because Hannah had spent
the last few weeks doing a survey

on Diddly Squat's bird population

and was now ready to share her findings.

It's a bit American.

- This is all a bit American.
- It is a bit American, isn't it?

I thought we were gonna be
sitting on the ground.

- Cheers.
- No, I'm too old for that shit.

So, you've done your bird survey.

I have. Do you wanna know?

Yes! I'm genuinely longing to know.

Okay, right. So these little circles
are all the singing species.

So you walk along all these hedges
and listen?

And every time I heard
a species that's singing,

I make a little note
and then carry on walking.

- Great tit, Chaffinch.
- Yeah.

Blackbird.

- BT? Blue Tit? Robin.
- Yeah.

- Yellowhammer.
- Yellowhammer.

Wood Pigeon, Skylark.

Anyway, the point is:

an average farm with average birds
would have between 20 and 35 species.

And you have... Dadada!

- Forty-five?
- Yeah.

- We've got 45 different birds?
- Yeah.

Bloody hell.

But that's not even the best bit.

- God, it gets better.
- Turn over the page.

Dadada!

This is the territory mapping of
the whole Corn Bunting population

on your farm, because I got...

And you've never heard
a Corn Bunting before you got here?

No. I mean,
I've been crying about these birds.

These guys have lost between
83 and 86% of their whole population.

They're completely extinct in Ireland.

There are pockets of this country
that they're just gone from.

So this location
is quite a special little place.

And more than 10 Corn Buntings

is kind of trophy-winning area.

And we've got one, two, three...
We've got five.

- No, you've got 19.
- We've got 19?

You've got 19. Whoop!

So this is...

What you're saying is
this farm is top few percent for birds?

Yes, this is what's so exciting.

So what are we missing?

I want to see a murmuration
of Starlings before I croak.

Okay look, I'll just go hi, Starlings.

Well, you know what I mean.
Whatever we can do...

How long have we got before you croak?

I don't know.

Well, let me know,
because that's a long-term plan.

- Is it?
- On your death bed, finale of the show.

Oh...

Erm...

Oh, can I show you the end thing?

I thought I would do one thing
where I linked a bird

to you, Kaleb, Charlie and Lisa,
for reasons, I've got reasons.

Go on then.

- Have you drawn all this?
- I know, I'm really lame.

I'll do you last. Charlie looks
quite like a Grey Partridge.

He's got that kind of English gent thing
going on.

He does.
He stands like a colonel.

- Yeah!
- When he's still, he looks like one.

And he's got a perfectly symmetrical
circular face

- like the Partridge.
- Yeah.

Kaleb,
it's the hairstyle and he's blonde.

He's a bit of a king of the castle
of the farm.

Do you think Kaleb's a Yellowhammer?
Can't we just say a Gingerhammer?

Yeah, absolutely, you can change it.
Gingerhammer.

Lisa... Kestrel.

Beautifully elegant,
doesn't take any shit.

She is like a Kestrel.

- And then this one.
- Skylark.

National treasure and gobshite.

I can hear them everywhere
across the farm. They're so gobby.

Yeah. I quite like being a Skylark.

Not sure about
the "national treasure" bit.

Erm...

- Oh, well.
- Anyway, thank you for that, Hannah.

That has genuinely made my heart sing.

Thanks for having me on your farm.

Right on cue.
They've just started singing.

- What? Who? What has?
- The Skylarks.

They're calling.

They're saying, "Thank you, Jeremy!"

Sadly, the elation I felt about
the birds of Diddly Squat was short-lived

because soon,
it was time for our pregnant cow

to have her second TB test...

which would be carried out
by one of Dilwyn's associates,

Sam.

- Hi, Jeremy.
- Sam.

Erm, Dilwyn's still away, is he?

Dilwyn's away.

Sam kicked off by reminding us
about our current TB stranglehold.

If she goes today,

the rest of the herd will have
to be tested again in a month's time

and then probably again 60 days later.

So your farm
is under restrictions until that point.

Erm, I believe the test
is a bit haphazard.

For what reason?

- Have you got those tweezers on you?
- Yeah.

So you get a lump,

this is what you do.

There's a lump on the cow's neck.

And you walk up to it
and you squeeze it, yeah?

And then it tells you
how big the lump is,

'cause there's a measuring bit here, yeah?

But if you pull it down hard or not hard,

you get a different reading.

And the cow's doing this
while you're trying to do it.

And then you just go, "Well, there's a-"

And there's only need be
a millimetre in it.

We have to lose a cow,
shut the whole farm down,

and that is how it's measured.

Takes a lot of practice.

Well, I still think it's a bit haphazard.

Nevertheless, this is the test
we were going to have to do.

She's a very, very pretty cow.

And pregnant with twins.

How far pregnant is she?

- When is she due?
- Erm, five months.

- When will we know?
- In about one minute.

Ooh, God streuth.

Good girl. Good girl.

I need to look at the chart.

So I've remeasured both lumps today,
on both, er, top and bottom.

Is this last time?

Yeah, the last time here is
7 mm, and 9 mm.

This time, it's 11 mm and 14 mm.

So I look at my chart...

She is...

She's IR again.

What?

What's that mean?

- Inconclusive again.
- Sorry, inconclusive again.

- She stays in the barn?
- No.

No. That-- that...

That means, er,
that she's gonna have to go,

'cause she's effectively
inconclusive twice.

- Yeah.
- Is that absolute?

Yeah, she's inconclusive twice
so she's treated...

So she has to be slaughtered
even though she's inconclusive?

Yeah, she's treated
as a reactor today.

- The problem you've got...
- That is like...

I don't understand any of these rules.

That seems to me like a hung jury.

You know, it's six and six

and then the judge goes,

"That's inconclusive,
so we're gonna execute you."

That is...

That's exactly
what's happening here.

Erm, can I ask you a question?

Can we keep her in here
until she has her calves

and will the calves have TB?

That's a good question.

Yeah, part of the reason I asked
how pregnant she was...

If she was in the last month,

I think they give the option
of keeping her in calving down here,

but because
she's only five months pregnant,

they will take her,
er, for slaughter, yeah.

Oh, f...

- You'd hope...
- What a year. What a year! Seriously.

Jesus Christ!

Why do people farm?

Why?

All right. Thanks, Sam.

The next morning I braced myself
for another moment I'd been dreading,

because Charlie now had the numbers in
for our drought-stricken harvest.

So,

that is what we were expecting.

- £37,000.
- So that was the forecast.

But, erm, this doesn't factor in the cost
of leasing the AgBot or the RoboDroid

or installing this system, does it?

- Er, yes.
- Oh, it does?

That was how much
we thought we'd make from farming.

£37,800,
you thought would be our...

Yeah.

Which would have been
quite a good year.

If you turn it over.

Yeah.

So the cost of farming
this year has been £5,152.

That's one way of saying it.

"Jeremy, you've lost 5,152."

Yeah.

- And this is weather-related.
- Yeah.

So we got 30% less wheat than you were
expecting because of the drought.

We got nearly 40% less barley,

45% less durum than we budgeted.

So yields were down.

I mean, this is bloody dispiriting,
Charlie.

- Er... Yeah.
- It is dispiriting.

I mean, it was pretty depressing
in year 1,

when we made a profit of £144,

but here we are in year 6
and we're losing £5,000.

Yeah.

And we did it so bloody well this year.

Yeah, I mean, that's
the really galling thing. You know...

I know. All of this,
all of the technology that we employed.

Exactly.
The crops went in really well.

With the precision drilling,
the precision muck spreading,

knowing where our good soil is,
where our bad soil is.

Nutrition just right.

I mean, everything was bob on.

- Yeah.
- So even when you do everything...

- Yeah.
- Right,

and you employ
all the best, latest technology,

- you lose £5,000.
- Yeah.

Yeah, just simply because
it doesn't rain for 15 weeks.

I mean,

I'm now going to have to give you
70,000 of my own pounds

to pay for the seed
and the fertiliser for next year...

Yeah.

And the weather might come
and ruin it all anyway.

I'm betting £70,000
that the weather's nice next year.

I actually need 75, 'cause we lost 5.

All right, Charlie,
thank you for dropping round

with your usual cheerful news.

Hmm...

I actually thought we'd break even.
I didn't think we'd lose.

Well...

Look on the bright side:

we don't have
to give Rachel Reeves any of our money.

Normally,
a poor harvest result draws a line

under the bad news for the year...

but not this time,

because we still had to watch
our pregnant TB cow

go off to slaughter.

- That's when she was just born!
- Yeah, that was when she was just born.

That was our first-- she is our first
ever cow and I remember taking a picture.

- God, she's bonny, isn't she?
- Yeah.

She's just gloriously...

Diddly Squat's first ever calf.

- And I think we called her Poppy.
- We did.

Good girl. Steady. Now steady.

I can't get my head round it.

I think the system is wrong.

With Covid,
they developed a vaccine in, what,

12 months after it was first identified?

Bovine TB's been around for centuries
and they haven't invented anything yet.

I don't believe it.

You know, if you're a beef
or a dairy farmer, you're 65 years old,

you've grown up with bovine TB,

you get it and then it goes
and it comes and it goes

and you kind of get used to it.

But I'm new to this.
I'm new to it, you know.

- It's a shit feeling.
- No, it's not that it's a shit feeling.

I'm actually pissed off,
'cause I don't accept this.

I don't accept
that the testing is sensible

and I don't believe
that this slaughtering is the answer.

And I don't believe
that science cannot work out

how to vaccinate cows.

- I don't believe any of that.
- Surely as well...

- 'Cause I'm new...
- Yeah, yeah.

You know, everybody, you,
even you at your age, and you,

and every beef
and dairy farmer I've talked to goes,

"Well, you know, it's just one
of those facts of farming life."

And I'm standing here
as a new boy going, "how can it be?"

How can it be?

The woes
of the isolation pen still weren't over,

because despite all the medication,

our sickly calf
wasn't getting any better.

And this meant we had
to call out yet another vet,

Charlotte.

She's not doing
very well today.

You can already see,
her ears are down and her breathing's up

and she's been coughing and...

Do you think
she was born with something then?

Because we've tried everything
and we've done everything that we can.

It sounds like it's been
a bit of a failure-of-passage transfer,

which basically means that...

So humans get all their protein,

the antibodies which develops
the immune system, from the uterus,

whereas in cows they get it only from
the colostrum which is the first milk.

So I think
she's had a bit of a tough start.

So the other calves
took all her colostrum?

- Yeah.
- By the time she learned

or was strong enough to get up there,

- there wasn't any.
- She completely missed it.

- Shit.
- So that means

that any bug that she's exposed to,

she won't develop
any form of immunity to.

Despite throwing everything
at her with antibiotics and pain killers,

she won't fight it.

So what do we do next?

Honestly, I think we need to be kind

and put her out of her misery
and elect to euthanase.

I'm really sorry.

How does one go about,
as you say, euthanasing?

So effectively,
it's an overdose of a sedative,

so it slows her breathing and slows
her heart rate and eventually it stops.

But how's she going to react, the mother?

It depends.

Some think it's good for them
to see them go so they know it's final.

Come on, sweetheart.

Hello, my love.

Good girl.

Good girl. That's it.

It's okay. It's all right. You're okay.

Poor little thing.

Come on, my love.
I know. That's it.

- Good girl.
- How do I hold her head?

That's perfect.
I'm gonna pop her ear out of the way.

Are you ready?

Well, yeah...

- Aw...
- Oh, dear.

All right. Such a good girl.

I'm gonna flip her to the other side
so we can go in that other vein.

Good girl.

She's gone.

- She's gone?
- Yeah.

Well done, mum.

Well done, guys.
That's never easy.

- Thanks, Charlotte.
- You're welcome.

- Thanks.
- Take care.

Despite it feeling
like there was nothing to celebrate,

the Diddly Squat gang met up
in a field called the Big Quiet

for our traditional end-of-year picnic

This time lunching on all-British pizzas
we were now making at the pub.

Here we go,
have some pizza, Gerald.

Who'd like some more meatball?

And after we'd finished eating,

we got to talking
about our 'annus horribilis'.

So we started the year
and I had coronary heart disease.

Ended it with me with cancer.

And then, in between,
we had Rachel Reeves.

And then we had a drought,

dismal yields.

And now, we've got TB.

So I don't know the result
on the TB then.

So what is the result?

The one with twin calves?

- The one with twins.
- Oh no.

You... Honestly, everything,
Gerald, the whole year.

You know it's the first year
we've made an actual loss on the farm?

- Is it?
- Yeah.

But, we can dwell as much as we like

on all the bad things
that have happened on the farm,

I think it's probably better now,
at the end of another year,

to focus on things
that have happened that have been good.

Erm...

Puppies.

- Puppies were good.
- Yeah.

- She did have a lot of puppies.
- She did well.

- She did brilliantly.
- Kaleb had a baby.

Another baby.

Is that good?

Maybe!

I'm gonna throw in the EasyCare sheep.

That was a good... Yeah, no.

You have even bought some.

- You, having said...
- I got 30.

- "Oh, fucking sheep, I hate sheep."
- No, I do hate sheep,

I think they're fucking awful,
but EasyCare sheep are amazing.

- Yeah.
- EasyCare's lambs are...

- They're cracking.
- Yeah, really good.

No, no, that was good.

The underground mapping:
really, really useful, we think.

And if we get a year
with some rain and some sunshine

as opposed to one or the other,

we'll be able to make
some meaningful conclusions.

So that was good.

The AgBot was good.

- Was it?
- Yeah. I know you didn't like it.

- I'm a fan.
- Yeah.

So here we are,
we're finding lots of good things.

Is there anything else?

When will we know?

- What?
- If the treatment's worked.

I don't know,
I've got a blood test today.

There'll be a blood test
and then we'll know.

Not for another few weeks.

Come on, cheer up. Probably did work.

Don't stare at me!

I was in a bad way when you went away.

No, I just thought,
"where am I gonna send my invoice to?"

Exactly.

Hello?

No, it wouldn't even go off.
It wouldn't even go off!

How to switch it on silent, Gerald?

It won't even switch off.

Should we call it a wrap.

Technology.

Fuckin' hell.

I have to be honest,
we did wrap the programme at this point,

but the following morning,
we called all the film crews back

because Charlie said he had some news.

I've had a letter.

So post-mortem on the cow.

Yeah.

What am I looking for?

There's a little box.

There are three words. Exactly.

"Non-visible lesions."

Yeah. So...

So it didn't have TB.

I then spoke to the vet,
er, who works for the APHA,

Defra basically.

And she said, "Yeah, we've taken samples,

but nothing has conclusively said
that she's got TB."

So they've killed
my pregnant cow for no reason.

I mean,
I'd heard about this from farmers.

They all... Well, not all,
but a lot of them have said

"There are cows that are being killed,
they haven't got TB,"

and that's happened to us.

You know that expression
"your blood's boiling"? Mine is.

It's just, you know...

It does feel wasteful today, doesn't it?

- But...
- Does that mean...

Well, that means
there's no TB on the farm, so we're free.

No. We're still closed, er...

We're still in the process,
we're still in the procedure.

They've killed my cow, my pregnant cow,

they've looked in the pregnant cow,
seen that it's got no TB,

so instead of writing to us saying,
"Okay, you're free to carry on,"

they're now saying
we can't, we're still...

- We have to do...
- Locked down.

Yeah, within 60 days,
we've got another test.

- And it...
- Who is running Defra?

What is the matter with them?

Well...

Things can't get worse.

So we started season 5
with me in a hospital bed,

and here we are at the end of season 5
and I'm back in a hospital bed.

Some of the treatment's gone
a bit... awry, let's say.

So I'm gonna be here for a little while.

Are you nil by mouth?
Oh you are, I can see the sign.

I'm nil by mouth, yeah.

I don't know what's gonna happen.

But look, what I wanted to say was, um...

if this is all successful,
I'll see you in for season 6.

And if it isn't, I won't.

Take care everyone.

♪ Always look
on the bright side of life ♪

♪ Always look on the light side of life ♪

♪ If life seems jolly rotten,
there's something you've forgotten ♪

♪ And that's to laugh and smile
and dance and sing ♪

♪ When you're feeling in the dumps,
don't be silly, chumps ♪

♪ Just purse your lips and whistle,
that's the thing ♪

♪ And always look
on the bright side of life ♪

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ Always look
on the bright side of life ♪

♪ For life is quite absurd,
and death's the final word ♪

♪ You must
always face the curtain with a bow ♪

♪ Forget about your sin,
give the audience a grin ♪

♪ Enjoy it,
it's your last chance anyhow ♪

♪ So always look
on the bright side of death ♪

♪ Just before you draw
your terminal breath ♪

♪ Life's a piece of shit
when you look at it ♪

♪ Life's a laugh
and death's a joke, it's true ♪

♪ You'll see it's all a show,
keep 'em laughing as you go ♪

♪ Just remember
that the last laugh is on you ♪

♪ And always look
on the bright side of life ♪

♪ Always look on the right side of life ♪

♪ Come on guys, cheer up ♪

♪ Always look
on the bright side of life ♪

♪ Always look on the right side of life ♪

♪ Worse things happen at sea, you know? ♪

♪ Always look
on the bright side of life ♪

♪ I mean, what have you got to lose,
you know? ♪

♪ You come from nothing,
you're going back to nothing ♪

♪ What have you lost? Nothing! ♪

♪ Always look on the right side of life ♪

♪ Nothing will come from nothing,
you know what they say? ♪

♪ Cheer up, you old bugger! ♪

♪ Come on, give us a grin!
There you are! See? ♪