All language subtitles for Keeping Up Appearances series 3 and 4! ¦ Keeping Up Appearances ¦ BBC Comedy Greats (İngilizce_ASR)

Don't let them persuade you to stay on.

Be firm, Richard. DON'T BE PUSHED

AROUND.

RICHARD!

Aren't we forgetting something?

That's better, dear.

And as it's your special day,

you can kiss me on the other cheek this

morning.

Goodbye then, dear.

Off you go.

Richard!

RICHARD!

RICHARD JUST WALKED BACK INTO THE HOUSE.

It is his house, Liz. No, no, no. He was

supposed to be heading for work.

I don't think he knows which way he's

going.

He's been acting strangely ever since

they gave him early retirement.

>> I should think he has, poor devil.

Imagine, all day at home with Hyacinth,

every day.

I'd call Amnesty International.

He just kissed Hyacinth twice and walked

back into the house. Anyone who kisses

Hyacinth twice is entitled to walk back

into the house.

Well, be more careful in future,

Richard, locking me out like that.

>> I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. I will not

have you not thinking in front of the

neighbors, Richard.

I'm just a little confused this morning.

>> Well, it seems so, dear. But I'm all

right now. Are you sure?

>> Absolutely fine.

>> Charles.

Hello dear. What kind of a day did you

have?

Richard.

I think you ought to walk to work today.

Oh yes, I I will.

I walked this morning.

Richard.

Olive.

You can't leave her here.

I'll be back. Where are you going?

There's a little dog who lives at the

end of the road. She always plays with

him in the park. She moves when she sees

him.

How long will you be? I'll be back as

soon as I can. In the meantime,

don't feed her.

I have no intention of feeding her.

GO.

YOU CAN'T STAY HERE.

GO.

Hello since. I'm glad you've called.

Now, you wanted me to be smart. Well,

does this meet with your approval? Yes,

it's very nice, dear. Will you give me a

hand?

Some fool's left half a camel or

something on my driveway.

I will not have it on my driveway when

Mrs. Henderson arrives. You want me to

help you move it dressed like this? I

don't think it'll care how YOU'RE

DRESSED, DEAR.

YOU SEE? HALF A CAMEL.

AND IT'S THE major half.

If we could just get it into the street.

Can we just park it in the street? Well,

I have no money for a meter.

How are we going to manage this?

Well, I think the best thing is if you

push and I'll steer.

Now, just let me get a good grip.

Now, pay attention, dog.

Off we go, then.

Are you watching, dear? I'm trying,

Hyacinth. It seems to be an awful LOT OF

DOG.

I THINK WE'RE WINNING, DEAR.

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT, MRS.

HENDERSON.

OH, MRS. H, DON'T WORRY, MRS. HENDERSON.

I'm sure SHE'LL BE BACK QUITE

SOON.

CAN YOU SEE ANYTHING NOW?

I CAN'T LOOK.

Come on, love. Richard. Use your eyes. I

daren't even open THEM. I DON'T LIKE

HEIGHTS.

It's at times like these I miss my

Sheridan.

When did he ever climb a tree?

He would for his mummy, dear.

Richard.

You're not all that high, dear. That's

not the impression you GET FROM UP HERE.

WELL, scan the countryside.

Look particularly

for evidence of mounds and depressions.

The only depression is mine. I feel

extremely unsafe.

Oh, really, Richard? Here we are in the

pursuit of history, and all you can

think about is your safety.

How could that hiker have the

impertinence to think I was talking to a

tree?

They didn't believe you were up there at

all. Why didn't you answer? I must have

been totally engrossed in looking for

Iron Age remains. Well, you should have

answered.

Well, look for lumps and depressions,

you said. I I must have been so wrapped

up in looking for lumps and depressions.

It was very humiliating for me.

Mind the pothole in the road. Minding

the pothole.

Leave it. LEAVE IT. OH.

>> GOOD DOG. GOOD DOG.

YOU GO ON IN, RICHARD, and turn on

Slocum to the wall. How am I supposed to

do that?

Richard, you are retired now. You have

time to work these things out for

yourself.

Rose!

Don't be silly. You can't turn Buddhist.

I will not have you chanting mantras.

It'll wake Daddy.

Has she got a mantra? Has she got a

mantra? Has she got a mantra? She's got

the bottle opener. That's what she has.

Rose, do stop being silly. Let me in and

let's talk this over. Send Richard in.

I'll talk to Richard. Why Richard?

Because I want to give him my farewell

letter to Edgar.

Well, push it under the door. I can't.

It's 30 pages.

I'll I'll volunteer. I don't mind going

in.

>> You stay where you are.

NOW, ROSE, STOP being silly and come out

here and we'll discuss things calmly

over a nice cup of tea.

It'll have to be a mug.

On second thoughts, Rose, I don't mean a

cup of tea at all. I mean probably a

small sherry. Sherry? I can't believe

things ARE THAT BAD.

HAVEN'T WE GOT ANY VODKA? ROSE, I am

your elder sister and I insist you stop

this nonsense immediately.

I'll expect you downstairs in 5 minutes.

And wear something warm. COME ON.

5 MINUTES.

TWO WHOLE DAYS Hyacinth free. Not quite.

There's something you haven't told me.

Yes.

Well, go on. Tell me.

Hyacinth wants us to visit them this

evening.

What did you say?

FOR A BARBECUE.

YOU DIDN'T SAY YES. I didn't say

anything. When does one ever say

anything? We're just expected.

Oh, DON'T CRY, EMMET.

I HATE IT WHEN YOU CRY.

THERE YOU ARE. I TOLD YOU. THEY'RE GOING

AWAY.

I said put it somewhere safe. I thought

you could hold it. Hm.

That was quite a send-off.

We must never move, dear. We'd be

greatly missed.

It's rather humbling to realize how many

friends we have.

I thought Mr. Ridley looked rather

shabby.

He was just gardening.

I expect he's lost heart, poor man.

His wife can't be an easy person to be

married to.

I've never heard her speak to him unless

to give an order.

I'm familiar.

Take the next right, dear.

As we all know, the secret of marriage

is give and take.

Kindness, UNDERSTANDING, TOLERANCE.

RICHARD, YOU SHOULD HAVE TURNED RIGHT

THERE, DEAR.

OH!

That must be my Richard and your Dorian.

Oh.

Oh, damn legs. Always the first thing TO

GO.

HELP BUNTY, WILL YOU, RICHARD?

>> YES, RICHARD, help Bunty. I'll entertain

this fascinating creature here.

GOD, OH, DORIAN'S BACK ON FORM.

HELLO, ALAN, MY MRS. THING.

You know, I could feel her staring at me

in Polish all the way.

I hope we're well enough dressed.

She said casual.

Hello, Haslam.

Oh, God, this early retirement, Dicky.

I can't even make kittens.

And now my eyes have gone.

All I can see is her legs.

I think I need to have a drink.

Come on.

GIVE ME A HAND, old thing. Yeah, I'll

join you in a minute. Now, COME ON,

OLGA.

HEY!

I THINK I'LL GO AND LOOK FOR THE dog

again.

Where's Dickie going with Mrs. Thing?

Zoe.

Zoe.

Zoe.

How did he know Mrs. Thing was called

Zoe?

But I thought we agreed on no holiday

this year.

I didn't think much of any of these

offers in the window. Let's invest my

retirement money in a little cottage, we

said. 14 nights for 209 pounds. When I

say we said, what I really mean, of

course, is you said.

I hope these people don't cater

exclusively for the spaghetti and chips

brigade.

You're looking for something expensive.

>> I'm looking for something very

expensive.

We can't go in while nobody's browsing.

There's absolutely no point in asking

for something very expensive if nobody's

listening.

We'll come back later when the place is

full. What?

I wish you wouldn't start polishing all

the cutlery.

Very last year, the Caribbean, anyway.

Two coffees.

Are you having a meal?

I don't think so, thank you.

Need a fork for your coffee, do you?

This is the last time I come here.

Probably the last time they let us in.

Now, what are you looking for? You

frequently find traces of lipstick in

places like this.

Where do we think you're going that's so

expensive? We're not going anywhere.

Then why are we going to the travel

agency?

Because we need brochures. There's

absolutely no harm in asking for a few

brochures. Very exotic brochures, of

course.

I'll teach Delia Wheelwright a thing or

two.

Where to leave them lying casually.

OH!

HOW DO THEY LOOK?

MHM?

How do they look?

Well, they look like brochures lying on

a table.

Yes, but dear, would you notice them the

moment you came into the room? Oh, it's

no good asking me. I mean, you know me.

I

I didn't even notice when your father

was on fire.

Oh, Daddy, I do wish you'd give up

smoking.

But you see,

I want Elizabeth to spot the brochures

immediately when I fetch her in for

coffee. I don't want to have to

introduce the subject myself. It's very

vulgar to go boasting about one's

holiday plans.

Leave the room, Richard.

What have I done now?

Nothing, dear. I just WANT YOU TO WALK

BACK into the room and see if you notice

them straight away. Go on.

Go on.

>> RICHARD! YES?

WHY DON'T YOU COME IN, DEAR?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

WELL, I I WAS waiting for a signal.

BUT DID YOU NOTICE the brush drawer was?

I uh forgot all ABOUT THE BRUSH

RICHARD! I'll go out again. I'll go out

again.

Richard!

What are you doing, dear? Waiting for

something to grow out of place. Soon as

it moves, I'll have it.

Well, I hope you won't be going through

this kind of performance when Mrs.

Councillor Nugent comes.

Can't you find something more

active? I've been thinking about that.

Now I've got all this time, I thought I

might sail around the world

single-handed.

>> Oh, Richard. Who'd do all your washing?

Do my own. Then who'd be steering the

boat, dear?

They have automatic steering things.

We have an automatic washer. That's much

easier.

What you need is a sensible hobby.

Follow me.

Follow me.

Hobby, it's a full-time occupation.

Now.

Stand there

till I return.

But where are you going? I'll be back in

a moment. Just stand there. Until when?

Until I come back and present you with

your hobby.

I haven't got a hobby. You have now.

I probably could I I probably could sail

around the world single-handed. All

alone in the middle of a vast ocean.

Must be heaven.

She's right about the SHIRTS THOUGH.

DON'T MOVE, RICHARD. Stay where you are,

dear. I haven't forgotten you.

WHAT I COULD BY BICYCLE. Go from Land's

End to John O'Groats by bicycle.

Same old problem.

Who does your washing?

Close your eyes.

Oh, is that it? Closing my eyes? Is that

going to be my hobby?

Richard, I am about to place in your

hands something which could change your

life.

My own key.

DON'T BE SILLY, RICHARD.

NOW, close your eyes, dear.

What is it? It's your retirement gift.

There is your hobby.

The video camera.

They gave it to you when you left and

you've never bothered with it. I suppose

I was saving it till something

interesting happened. Well, off you go

then, dear. And film something

interesting. Be artistic. I'm artistic.

Sheridan's artistic.

>> Yeah, I'm not being that artistic.

Oh, THAT'S PROBABLY SOMEBODY IMPORTANT.

THE BOUQUET RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE

HOUSE SPEAKING.

SHERIDAN.

How uncanny of you to call Mommy just as

we were talking of you, dear.

What a deep psychic bond we have. It's

almost frightening. If he wants money

again, it's terrifying.

See, it doesn't even wobble.

So, why can't I do it when HYACINTH'S

HERE? ELIZABETH.

JUST LEAVE IT AND GET OUT THERE.

GET OUT.

LOOK HERE.

LOOK HERE.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, DEAR, AND COME

AND HELP me shift this car.

I see you've found some help.

Who's that pushing the car with Rose? Is

it

It's

Councillor Mrs. NEWTONT.

OH.

COUNCILLOR MRS. NEWTONT, HOW kind of you

to volunteer. Volunteer? How dare I not?

When someone his size says, "Give us a

push." YOU GIVE HIM A PUSH.

WHO'S IN THE DRIVER? OBVIOUSLY SOME kind

of thug.

She's obviously his moll.

Damn funny people to have around your

place, Mrs. Bucket.

We are all here to help each other, I

always think.

Especially those suitable to serve on

your committee. Very odd people.

Well, of course they're not really like

this. They're in a film. A film?

A FILM.

IT'S MY UH, HUSBAND'S FILM.

YOUR HUSBAND makes films? I never knew

that.

Oh, yes.

He's out now scouting. Uh, uh, for

locations. How jolly interesting. I must

say someone's made these people up

tremendously well.

Extraordinary resemblance.

Thank you.

I SWEAR he'd look like that all his

life.

They've got your type dead right. Do you

mind? Who do you think YOU'RE

>> PUSH THE CAR, ROSE. TIME FOR ANOTHER

REHEARSAL, ROSE. Push the car.

It's rather fun, really.

WHAT PART ARE YOU PLAYING?

UH

ELIZABETH HASN'T CHANGED YET.

Her costume's inside. What about yours,

Mrs. Bucket? Oh, uh, my costume's

inside, too.

Wouldn't have a small part for a busy

councilor, would you?

Wouldn't have a place on your committee

for an enthusiastic, loyal, highly

regarded lady well versed

>> I should think something could be

arranged.

Let's go inside and discuss our roles.

Listen to this.

Gone to join the Foreign Legion. Au

revoir. Dad.

Where'd you find that? On his pillow.

Oh, poor love. I expect it's because

he's not getting anywhere romantically

with Mrs. Clayton.

Where, where do you go to join the

Legion? Is there a branch around here?

I doubt it. We've only just got Colonel

Sanders.

Oh, slow.

Oh.

Do you mind if I open me eyes up slowly.

There's no good comes from rushing YOUR

MORNING EXERCISES.

OH.

There's some mornings when the light

goes straight through you.

Also, where'd you go to join the legion?

COOPER STREET.

NOT THE BRITISH LEGION, THE French

Foreign Legion.

They'll never take you. It's just for

fathers.

Sounds like it might BE WORTH A TRY.

IT'S NOT FOR ME, you fool. It's for

father. He's going to join the French

Foreign Legion. He'll never get through

the medical.

Oh, come on, Ansel. Get up. We've got to

go and FIND FATHER. OH.

DO YOU THINK THIS IS A SUITABLE HAT for

an art exhibition, dear?

Yes, it's fine.

What about this?

Yes, I like it even better a second

time.

Richard, it's a different hat. Oh, is it

Oh, of course it is. It's fine. It's

fine.

What are you reading, dear?

Well, I'm not so much reading as

browsing through the pictures. You

wanted me to become familiar with art.

Not that familiar.

Well, they're not all like that. I

should hope not.

I was just picking up a few points here

and there.

>> that, Richard, but what I'm going to be

wearing is far more important than WHAT

THEY'RE NOT.

>> I THINK IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

Father's run off and you think it's

beautiful?

Well, it's so romantic that he should

run away at his age, all for the love of

Mrs. Clayton.

She seems to have that effect on people.

Didn't Mr. Clayton leg it away as fast

as he could go?

You've got no poetry in your soul,

Arthur Onslow.

Him, poetry?

He's not built for poetry.

YOU CAN'T BE THE BREADWINNER AROUND HERE

and poetic as well.

Anyway, not to worry, cuz I've got a

gentleman friend, Mr. Finchley, who has

the ideal vehicle for finding fathers.

Then let Mr. Finchley find father.

Well, I stay here and follow the

fillies.

Poor Daddy.

We must find him before he gets involved

in some battle. He's not going to get

involved in a battle.

Do you know which way he's gone? To

France.

Go to the roundabout and HEAD FOR

FRANCE.

WHICH WAY IS FRANCE?

What heavens, Richard. Do you have to

rely on me for everything?

You should have turned left.

Left?

Well, are you sure? I was rather

thinking it MUST BE RIGHT.

NO, MY INSTINCT TELLS ME LEFT.

Right you are.

Left it is.

>> Good morning, Rose.

Check the pulse. If he's going to fight

in the desert, he's bound to be thirsty.

I don't think he'll need any of that

anymore.

Biscuits as well.

All that sand.

He never liked clean forks.

Alone at last on Zoom.

What are you really worried about your

father?

Not half as worried as you are about

your wife.

We can't stand here chatting.

There's racing on the telly.

There was a time when you used to chase

me all over the house.

That was before we got color, wasn't it?

Hello.

Is that the Meteorological Office?

Good morning to you.

My name is Bouquet, B U C K E T.

I'd like your shipping forecast

department, please.

Do we really need the shipping forecast?

Richard, we're going yachting this

weekend and we need the shipping

forecast. Yes, but it's not I will not

embark on an expedition of this

magnitude without taking elementary

precautions.

THE BOAT won't actually be moving. We're

spending the weekend tied up alongside.

OH, HELLO. YES.

AND good morning to you.

Now, my husband and I are going yachting

this weekend and we'd like your shipping

forecast.

Which area? Which area?

Well, tell them. Tell them where the

boat is moored.

I don't have an exact compass bearing to

hand, but we'll be on the RIVER NEAR

OXFORD.

WELL, WHY AM I NOT ENTITLED TO A

shipping forecast?

Look, I may not be going as far as

Fisher German Bight, but are such things

as Cromarty, Dogger, and Heligoland

strictly reserved for special sailors?

Look, I warn you. If we get lost in a

hurricane, I'll report you to your

superiors.

Slowly past number 32. You're going too

fast.

>> I'm hardly moving. I want them to see

that we're going yachting.

Why?

She puts her nose in the air when she's

going golfing.

I want her to get a good view of this

yachting cap.

She'll probably think you're selling ice

CREAM OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T like that tone, Richard.

Though it's true, she might mistake the

occasion unless she gets a better view.

Stop the car.

NO, NOT

HERE, DEAR.

OUTSIDE NUMBER 32.

NOW, we'll both get out and wave goodbye

to Elizabeth.

>> Elizabeth has gone indoors. I can see

that, Richard, but she can't see that at

number 32.

Is she watching? I I as though

EVERYBODY'S WATCHING.

GOODBYE.

BYE.

OH, DEAR. GOODBYE.

NOW, say something nautical.

Like what? Oh, good gracious, Richard.

Do I have to think of everything?

Say goodbye with a nautical flavor.

I only know ship ahoy. That's me

finished.

Well, that's no good, dear.

Now, come on. Heave-to and weigh anchor.

What?

Get in the car.

See you on board, dear. COCKTAILS ON THE

QUARTERDECK.

YOU'RE LETTING THE side down, Richard.

She didn't see you at number 32 because

you look most unseamanlike.

I am unseamanlike. I think it only fair

to warn you, Hyacinth, that I shall

always be unseamanlike.

Nonsense. British people have the sea in

their blood.

All I've got is the undiluted red stuff,

and it's quite sufficient, thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Can I help you, madam? What have you got

FOR A YACHT?

MY HUSBAND needs to be kitted out for

our yacht.

I'm not sure we have anything suitable

in stock. Oh, well, that's it, then.

Let's be off. We could order you

something.

There's no time. We set sail this

afternoon.

Now, come here, Richard. Don't give up

so quickly. Let's see what we can find.

Well, you look much better, Richard.

Much more seaman-like. Quite the

nautical figure.

Richard?

Come along, Richard. We'll miss the

tide.

Richard, what's the matter?

I can't sleep.

>> Huh? I

I feel boxed in.

This place is too small.

>> Richard,

I would ask you, please, to remember

that our apartment in this Grade II

listed mansion is not small.

It's old world bijou.

Well, I'm going to make some old world

bijou tea. Oh, why not, dear?

An impromptu midnight snack.

That's the beauty of having a place in

the country.

One can break WITH ONE'S ROUTINE.

OH, WHERE DID YOU PUT THE TEA? OH, it's

in the cupboard there, dear.

I'll get the milk.

Excuse me.

Could you make yourself a little

smaller, Richard?

Look, I do believe that you're expanding

deliberately.

Well, there's not even room in here for

a decent-sized microwave.

>> Richard, I will not have you speak

disparagingly of my compact kitchenette.

These are all high-quality laminated

units.

The The tea is not in this cupboard.

The tea?

Oh, no, dear. The tea is in this

cupboard. You really must remember where

the tea is, Richard.

But you told me it was in this cupboard.

Richard,

I hope you're not going to be

consistently argumentative in the

country.

I want this place to be a haven of

relaxation.

Are you finding this relaxing?

ARE YOU GOING TO LET GO, RICHARD?

I DON'T KNOW,

I DON'T seem to be able to move at all.

I don't like this level OF INTIMACY,

DEAR.

I DON'T THINK IT'S NATURAL at our age.

Would you please remove yourself from my

person?

Now, when I I give the word

>> What word? When I give the word Yes. you

go to your left, I go to my left, and we

should come unstuck, all right?

One, TWO, THREE, GO.

RICHARD!

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT you knew the

C. P. Benedict?

>> He's just a man with a garden center

who's been on television. He's not the

Aga Khan.

>> He's a celebrity, dear, and I'm sure

he's a much better social catch than

boring

old Douglas Chater, who's merely in

building supplies.

Watch out for the lorry, dear.

It's stationary. It's not moving.

I always think they're more worrying

when they're not moving.

>> He's only a casual acquaintance, really.

But that's quite sufficient to issue the

man a friendly invitation.

>> He's just somebody I sometimes meet

WALKING HIS DOG. OH, YOU'VE MET THE DOG

AS WELL.

YES, DEAR.

I DON'T SEE how we can just waltz up to

the man and invite him to a barbecue.

No, dear, you may rest assured that your

friend seeker

>> He's not my friend.

>> will be invited to something far more

elegant than a common or garden

barbecue.

For my summer entertaining, I intend to

bring the outdoors

indoors.

What a pity he wasn't here.

You must find him, dear.

I dare say you'll catch him at one of

his regular haunts. Such as where?

>> Melly's your friend, Richard. You should

know where he goes.

>> I've told you he's just an acquaintance.

Mandatory, dear.

It's two outside and a three inside.

Richard, do stop sounding petulant.

I don't know why you're sounding so

petulant. This is a great day for me. I

have invented the outdoors indoors

luxury barbecue.

I just wish that there wasn't so much

outdoors indoors in here.

Look, dear.

When I invite the garden center king to

my outdoors indoors luxury barbecue, I

want him to feel at home.

He is a plant lover.

Mind the hole in the road, dear.

What road? What makes you think that I

can see the road?

Hyacinth, why don't we postpone looking

at properties until tomorrow? Richard,

you know how much I'm looking forward to

finding our second home in the country.

>> Yes, I do know.

It's just that I don't like you looking

at properties on your own.

>> But, you can't possibly go, dear. You

have to collect Daddy at the police

station.

>> But, we could get Onslow to pick him up.

No, I will not have Onslow picking Daddy

up in broad daylight.

One look at Onslow and they'll keep them

both in for questioning.

You'll have to go, dear.

Well, I won't.

You'll buy something enormous. I know

you will.

Who's going to drive you? Oh, Elizabeth

will drive me. Aha. Well, maybe she'll

be too busy.

>> Leave it. Leave it. LEAVE IT. LEAVE IT.

WELL,

I SUPPOSE I CAN, HYACINTH.

YES, of course.

Right then.

15 minutes?

Why didn't you say no?

You've got to learn to show more

resistance to that woman, Liz.

She jerks your string and off you go.

I am not invited for coffee.

She wants me to drive her into the

country. She's looking at properties.

She's still looking.

Oh, thank heavens you didn't say no. I

thought you wanted me to say no.

>> Not when it's in such a good cause. Now,

listen to me, Elizabeth. Pay attention.

This is your opportunity. For what? To

make sure Hyacinth buys a property.

Don't let her come back here without a

property.

She's not looking for something to move

into permanently. I know that, Liz, but

I'd settle for her being away just a

couple of days a week.

Find her a property.

Now, Richard,

I am entrusting you with a very special

mission.

I want you to collect Daddy with the

utmost secrecy. Nobody must ever know

that Daddy was in prison.

He's not in prison. He's at a police

station.

>> Now, I want you to wear these, a pair

for Daddy,

and a pair for you.

Why?

Because no one must recognize you as you

leave the police station.

This is a very special mission, Richard.

Onslow, what are YOU ALL DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE HAD TO BRING FATHER. YOU DON'T HAVE

to bring the dog. He likes a run.

What's Daddy doing? He thinks he's back

in the war again. He's been on guard

outside the house all morning.

What a sense of duty Daddy has.

He's shot 15 people with me air brush.

Well, I doubt if you were planning to

use it.

He's having imaginary chats with Colonel

Dawlish. Colonel?

He finished up a Brigadier General, you

know.

We thought that if we brought him here

to see the Vicar, he could exorcise him.

Exorcise Daddy?

Well, Colonel Pickering, see if you can

get rid of him.

Did you have to bring him here this

morning when I'm waiting for the

Drummonds?

Oh,

that could be them.

Or should it be the other way?

Look now, Daddy, it's too late for the

ballet.

Oh, Mrs. Drummond. I'm Hyacinth Bouquet.

I see you found the parking space I had

specially reserved for you.

They rely on me, bless them, to organize

these things. Excellent. Well, you can

take the dogs for a walk, will you?

Dogs?

Oh.

Oh.

Why, don't you like dogs? I have no time

for anyone who doesn't like dogs. I keep

telling my postman, just because they

nip him occasionally, where's his sense

of fun?

Well, I don't know. I I love dogs.

Yes, I'm never happier than when I'm

frolicking with dogs. Take care.

Do you need to run in the back?

Just tell them they're going to tinkle

in the bushes.

Now, dogs, let's have no unpleasantness.

REMEMBER WHERE YOU ARE.

ONSLOW, YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH DOGS.

WHERE ARE THEY?

PERHAPS THEY'RE IN THE CHURCH.

Onslow in the church without a shirt.

Oh, Lord, don't let them see his big

tattoo.

RICHARD, I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF THIS

suspicious-looking person. Please get

rid of him.

Suicide mission.

Man has a fool's nerve.

Very rare quality these days.

Such stupidity.

Well done, that man.

Please play through.

Thank you, madam. And congratulations to

your husband.

He's a dynamo to his fingertips, bless

him. I've known him throb away quietly,

EVEN IN REPOSE.

YOU'VE done it, dear. They were

impressed.

Can we go home now?

>> Of course, darling dear. We'll finish

the round, and then we get chatting to

Mr. Milburn in the club.

Oi!

STRIKES ME, MATE, YOU NEED A BIGGER HOLE

OR A SMALLER BALL.

COME ON, MATE. HURRY UP. COME ON, WE

HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY.

OOH, HE'S COMING YOUR WAY. WHO? Don't

look now, Richard, but I do believe he

Yes, he is. Mr. Milburn's coming. He's

going to invite us to join him. I told

you you'd made an impression. I say,

would you mind? Do you think your

husband could do his stuff again? We've

got a couple of offensive types up

there. Need to be taught a lesson.

Richard, how wonderful. He's leaning on

you already, dear.

Off you go then, dear.

Go on.

Come on. Hurry up. Let's see you get the

little ball DOWN THE HOLE. I SHOULD

WATCH YOUR STUFF.

This chap's dynamite. I've seen him deal

with bigger lads than you. Oh, yeah?

RICHARD!

ONE OF THESE DAYS you'll find me lying

in a pool of blood. LISTEN TO THIS.

WANTED, MANAGING DIRECTOR, frozen foods.

Only persons of proven ability should

apply for this senior position.

Why are you telling me this? Because

it's you, Richard. It's absolutely you.

Frozen food?

>> Oh, not that bit, dear, BUT PERSONALLY.

AND THE FIRM IS FROSTICLES.

The factory is only a few miles down the

road. You could be home FOR LUNCH EVERY

DAY. WAIT A MINUTE, HAZEL. YOU COULD

HAVE the firm's car, probably a

chauffeur. Hang on. Are you suggesting

that I should apply?

>> Well, not through the normal channels,

dear.

I I what's the point of knowing people

if one has to apply through the normal

channels? Who do we know, people?

>> Oh, not just people.

We know Frosticles himself.

Or at least Mrs. Frosticles.

The Milburns.

That thrusting creature on the ladies'

luncheon committee.

She was a Hackett from Wilton Street

before she laid herself shamelessly in

the path of Frosticles.

We must make sure that he knows you're

available.

SIT THERE AND PRACTICE being firm.

All you have to do is say no. Have you

ever tried saying no to Hyacinth?

Liz,

she's just a human being.

Just.

Look, you're a free spirit. If you don't

want to go around there for coffee when

she asks you, say no. It doesn't make

any difference. She never listens

anyway.

All right, we'll rehearse it.

You sit there practicing steely

determination,

and I shall pretend to be Hyacinth.

Greater love hath no man for his sister

than to be Hyacinth.

Right, here we go.

Phone ringing.

Will answer it.

Hello.

COFFEE AT 11:00, ELIZABETH?

THANK YOU, HYACINTH.

OH, NO. I'm sorry, but you were so

lifelike.

Going riding, Hyacinth? What?

Yes.

Lovely morning polite, isn't it?

Tell you what.

Why don't we all go together?

Emmett, you are wicked.

Yes, I know. Isn't it delicious?

Why not just tell them that we can't

ride?

I don't know that I can't ride. I've

never tried.

There's every possibility that I might

ride beautifully.

The clothes fit.

Off you go, Emmas. We'll catch you up

later. No, no, no. I'll wait.

We'll go together, Harrison. That's what

friends are for.

Right then. I'll go around the corner

and mount. Why around the corner? I

always think modesty requires a lady to

mount alone.

Except in the presence of her husband.

Emmett, stop it.

Now, listen, horse. I'm not a person to

be trifled with.

Peter,

come and help me up here.

Now,

I need your support, dear. Alice. ALICE.

ALICE. ALICE.

ALICE. ALICE.

>> I'LL JUST TAKE YOU THROUGH THERE.

HOW MUCH LONGER ARE THEY GOING TO BE?

SO FAR, so good.

How does one start it?

I think you click your tongue or

something.

>> Mhm?

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Why did you tell the vicar's wife that I

was good at electrics?

>> Because you are, dear. You always know

where the fuse box is.

In my own house, but after that, I'm

I'm electrically derelict.

Nonsense, Richard. I'm sure if you put

your mind to it. Mind the cyclist. I

never mind the cyclist. I'll probably go

to electrocute the vicar.

>> Richard, do have a little confidence in

yourself, dear.

As befits someone with both a cash and

credit card.

I'm not even dressed for doing

electrics.

>> Nonsense, dear. You're perfectly

dressed.

Do you think I'd allow you to appear in

public if you weren't reasonably

dressed?

>> Being reasonably dressed isn't really

the point. Electrical people normally

wear overalls.

>> Richard, do keep your voice down, dear.

I will not have you spreading that I

might be married to somebody who wears

overalls.

When people do electrics, they sometimes

climb about in roofs and things. I

imagine it's a very dusty job. Not if

you do it executively.

Take a managerial stance to it.

Make it quite clear to the vicar that

you only do electrics executively.

The Bucket Woman's coming to have a look

at the church all electrics. Not her,

him. Oh. Oh, I can stand him.

One feels a massive Christian sympathy

for him.

Is he any good at electrics?

She said so.

>> Well, I suppose she should know.

Funny really, to look at him, you

wouldn't think he's any good at

electrics.

Ah, I'll go.

Ah, good morning, vicar.

Ah, Mrs. Bucket.

>> Ah.

Uh, Bouquet.

What a pity I can't stop. I have this

emergency funeral.

What funeral?

Isn't there a funeral? No, not today.

Why is there never anyone to bury when I

need them?

Sorry, I was getting mixed up. I'm just

going over to the hall to see how the

setting up of the bring and buy is

going.

See you later, dear.

Richard's gone round. He's probably

solved the electrical problem already.

He's quite a live wire when it comes to

electrics.

Jolly good. I'll be over myself in a

jiffy.

Oh, I can't wait to get inside and have

a look round. The agent said she'd be

here at 11:30. Perhaps you won't like

the inside. I shall love it.

Oh, I shall be very happy

You've made your decision, then? Oh, I

think so, Elizabeth. It's very suitable

for entertaining, you see.

I shall be a beacon for the best in

hospitality for miles around.

Perhaps this is the agent now. Come on.

Mrs. Bucket.

It's Bouquet.

Oh.

I'm sorry I'm late. Some fools left a

car blocking the bridge.

Are you authorized to gain entrance?

Yes.

Everything is in here. Good. After you,

then.

I'll just go and move the car. It might

be best, dear. It was a silly place to

leave it.

Sorry to rush off. I've got to meet

Hyacinth in the country.

Bye.

He's called "Works Dog".

And this is known as the lake room. Oh.

Oh,

what a lovely view. Is that a RIVER OUT

THERE?

IT'S a lake. Real lake?

The man in the wheelchair is Sir Edward.

You'll be neighbors. Sir Edward?

Neighbors?

Sir Edward, we're to be neighbors. I'm

Hyacinth Bouquet.

>> MIND THE FOOT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "MIND

THE FOOT"?

SIR Edward has very painful gout. Gout?

Oh.

One of the favorite ailments of the

upper classes. MIND THE FOOT.

YOU MUST be one of the first at my

evening soiree, Sir Edward.

What kind of place is this the Dahases

buying? I have no idea, but I hope it's

small. I wouldn't bet on it. Our Hassans

not very big on small.

Don't just sit there grinning like that,

Father.

Tell Richard what you did to his car so

it wouldn't start.

I We took out the rotor arm. He always

takes out the rotor arm.

It's what they used to do to disable

cars in the war.

What have you done with Richard's rotor

arm? He throws them away.

So nothing falls into the hands of the

enemy.

Well, it's very kind of you to give me a

lift. No problem.

Now,

it's absolutely essential that

everything should go smoothly.

We're very fortunate to have today's

speaker.

>> Oh, yes. The Commodore is an

internationally famous round-the-world

yachtsman.

>> Oh, no.

They say he drinks.

They say who drinks? The Commodore.

Where did you hear this? At the time of

all that scandal that led to his

divorce. Oh, yes. Apparently, he does

like the ladies. Well, you know what

sailors are. Not personally, no.

But I'm afraid it's probably a bit late

to begin remedying that.

Should be all right as long as we keep

him away from the brandy and our

members.

Anyway, I expect it's all been grossly

exaggerated. You know what the papers

are.

Now, we need a volunteer TO PLAY

>> HELLO.

THE WOMAN.

GOODNESS ME, NOT EVEN A QUORUM.

How very fortunate I DROPPED IN.

AND THAT'S SHERIDAN IN HIS SCOUT

UNIFORM.

He made his mommy a lovely fire in the

garden.

Single-handedly and with one match, he

completely destroyed the potting shed.

Now, well, of course, I'd love to stay

here all day, but I do have to find a

volunteer to collect today's speaker

from the station.

Look no further, Miss Wilkinson.

I shall attend to the Commodore

personally. Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, I'm

sure we needn't bother you, Mrs. Bucket.

Okay. Leave it to me.

I shall take the Commodore under my

wing.

My husband and I go boating

occasionally.

It'll be very comforting for the

Commodore to meet with his own kind.

And God bless all who sail in her.

Good morning, ELIZABETH.

MORNING, HYACINTH. SHALL YOU be with us

at the ladies' luncheon today? Oh, yes.

I'm looking forward to the speaker. I've

just come from there now. I wanted to

make quite sure that all the

arrangements were proceeding

satisfactorily.

I thought the committee did that.

Good heavens, no. One can't leave that

sort of thing to committees.

No, they need my influential input.

Would you like thatch? Well, I usually

have corn flakes.

Richard, pay attention, dear. I'm

speaking of our cottage.

Should it be thatched, do you think? Uh

you mean as well as heavily mortgaged?

Oh, you're you're serious, then? Oh, I

like the look of thatch, but is it

practical?

I mean, when we're entertaining and I've

laid one of my elegant executive tables,

the last thing I want is bits of straw

falling into people's vichyssoise.

Executive entertaining, that's more like

you, Hyacinth. We're not really country

material.

>> Oh, nonsense, dear.

I shall develop a country version of my

candlelight suppers.

A sort of PLUM AND SWEATY.

TO BE A FARMER'S BOY.

To be a farmer's boy.

Richard.

MORE, RICHARD.

BEAUTIFUL DAY.

LITTLE LORD, little lord, little lord.

Her voice ripped straight through me.

She could remove people's socks with a

voice like that.

Is this hat suitable, dear?

Uh

for what? For looking at country

cottages.

I mean, does it look rural in a

sophisticated way?

Um

>> Or would you wear this one?

No, it wouldn't suit me.

Don't be silly, Richard. Now,

concentrate. Which hat? This

or

this?

Hyacinth, I hate decisions of this

magnitude first thing in the morning.

It's unreasonable.

You don't like my hats.

>> No, I

never said I didn't like your hats.

>> Richard,

is this the first in our marriage?

I've heard about men in midlife crisis.

Now, I'm warning you, Richard. I will

not have you being unfaithful to my

hats.

Richard, WHERE ARE YOU?

I HOPE THAT'S A LARGE ONE, LIZ. OH.

RICHARD.

I have a sherry for you, Richard.

Liz.

Found your way all right, then.

I used to be a girl guide.

We'll be with you IN A MOMENT.

OH.

DON'T APPEAR TO BE IN A HURRY. The

hallmark of the perfect hostess.

Daisy.

Minute.

Minute.

Skirts.

I'll be with you in a

We want to talk to you about Onslow.

Well, I

I'd love to talk about Onslow, but not

now, I'm afraid, Daisy dear.

I'm expecting guests at any moment. I

think he's got another woman.

>> That's nice for him, dear. We must have

a chat about it sometime. Now, you won't

listen, our Hyacinth. You will give my

love to Onslow, won't you? And to Daddy,

of course. How is Daddy? I do wish you

could stay, but it's impossible.

Unless of course you'd like to stay FOR

A WHILE.

ROSE?

I'd know those legs anywhere.

CP!

ROSE!

TOO LONG.

Is there no one anywhere who can pass me

a drink?

Tell Willie to keep off the sherry.

Vicar, you're a heaven sent. Oh my god.

Morning, Mrs.

Bouquet. A miracle. Yes, isn't it? How

you keep popping up.

I've been clamped.

Typical. Of all the choices,

Richard is the one that gets clamped.

You must drive us to Middleton. I'll

explain on the way. In you go, dear.

Middleton.

I hadn't planned on going to Middleton.

I don't think she's listening. Take the

low road.

I shall relay the convolutions of the

Commodore's confusions as we go along.

So there you have it, Vicar.

Mind the pedestrian.

Which pedestrian? Where?

On the pavement.

Isn't that where HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE?

OH, too late now. He's gone.

Lucky you missed him.

>> Bad luck being clamped. Swear if you

want to. Under your breath, of course.

Thanks, I already have.

So have I.

Excuse me.

Have you seen a Commodore? Is that a

TYPE OF BUTTERFLY?

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM? DONE WITH

WHO?

The Commodore. The one that's coming

from Rugby. I haven't seen no

Commodores.

I haven't seen any Commodores. Well,

that makes two of us that hasn't seen

him.

You've lost him.

Really how careless.

I hope they don't transfer you to their

RED STAR SERVICE.

I'M SORRY YOU'RE HAVING ALL THESE

PROBLEMS, MRS. BUCKET.

OKAY.

Where would you like me to drop you off?

Well, it would be wonderful if you could

take me to the Manor House function

rooms. That's on the other side of town.

Oh, good. You know it. Oh, that saves me

giving you directions.

And if you could drop me at the station

on the way cuz I must do something about

my car.

Yes, of course.

It'll be a pleasure.

What a brilliant cover space.

I can't say I'm finding all that much

space. You can't can't see any woodworm.

There are more problems around here than

woodworm, dear.

What's she saying? I don't know, but I

can feel every syllable.

Excuse me.

>> What did I tell you?

YOU FIND ME BIG GLASS.

WHAT?

CHECK THE LOFT area carefully for pests,

Richard. Not much light up here.

And if you should see any wood worm, try

to shoo them towards the end of the

building.

How do you shoo wood worm? Well,

INTIMIDATE THEM THERE BY BANGING ON

THEIR BEAMS.

IT'S VERY DUSTY and there's not a lot of

room to move.

>> Really?

Oh.

Well, I'M A LITTLE RESTRICTED DOWN HERE,

RICHARD. RICHARD, WOULD YOU COME DOWN,

DEAR? NOW? YES, NOW.

COMING.

RICHARD.

OH, WAIT. I'M GOING TO FIND SOME FANCY

SOCKS,

TOO.

RICHARD.

RICHARD.

RICHARD.

OH, I CAN'T GET ANY ROOM TO GO UP THERE.

SHE KEEPS MESSING ME.

>> TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME WHEN MY HUSBAND'S

INCAPACITATED.

WHAT?

OOH, THE WIFE.

RICHARD.

I'M NOT STANDING FOR IT. YOU AND YOUR

FANCY WOMAN, YOU COWARD.

I'M JUST ENJOYING MY ROOM.

YOU

GO HOME.

I'M PROBABLY GOING TO CALL THE POLICE.

HELP.

HELP.

RICHARD,

DO STOP MESSING ABOUT UP THERE AND COME

DOWN AMONGST US.

I DON'T think there's any wood worm in

this beam. It feels hard enough.

Now, listen.

I'm going to lock myself in the car.

The way that Yoko's behaving, YOU'D

THINK I WAS THE FIRST DELIRIOUS

DESIRABLE HE'S EVER SEEN. I can't allow

it.

I hear you say.