All language subtitles for One.Night.Out.with.Alan.Cumming.2026.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-Kitsune_track3_[eng].1

Please welcome
your host, Alan Cumming!

Good evening, Montreal!

Bonsoir, Montréal!

Comment ça va?

Thank you, please.

A long evening ahead of us.

Uh, hello, everybody.

First of all, I hope you
appreciate the lighting tonight.

Woo!

It's called bisexual lighting.

Woo!

Um, there will be no overhead
lighting this evening.

This is a hate crime-free zone!

Welcome to One Night Out,
my name is Tilda Swinton!

- Woo!
- Yes!

No I'm not,
I-I-I am Alan Cumming,

and I will be your host for this
evening of queer hilarity!

And it's going to be
a doozy of an evening,

I can feel it!

We're all agog,
the smell of poppers is pungent.

But, the Grindr notifications
are on silent.

There's so many
lesbians with us tonight!

Woo!

Yes! I heard it's been
murder trying to get

a cat sitter in this town!

And a big welcome to our
trans brothers and sisters!

Woo!

There are uh, more septum
piercings in this room

than in all the cattle
in Calgary, apparently!

Oh, I should've said,

Sorry, if there are any
straight men in the audience,

thank you for your support.

Thank you for your visibility,
it's always nice putting a face

to the blank profiles on Grindr.

Now, I'm sure you've
all noticed, but things

are pretty catastrophic
for queer people these days.

Uh, we're having our rights
ripped away from us,

hate crimes against us
are on the rise,

and of course, our trans
brothers and sisters

are being persecuted,

and in some countries, like
the United States of America,

governments are actually
legislating that trans people

do not exist.
They are trying to erase us.

This worldwide backlash
against us,

it-it can feel daunting,
it can feel overwhelming,

it can feel like there's
nothing we can do about it.

But you know what,
there is something we can do.

And that is, we can come out to
places like this, we can gather,

we can show our support
and our love for our community.

We can find our tribe,
and we can access and express

something that none of those
bigots who want to destroy us

will ever be able
to understand or experience.

Joy! Unadulterated, queer, joy!

So...

Now...

I think it's time
to talk about my outfit!

Woo!

This is not leather, by the way,
I'm a hardcore vegan, babies,

so tonight I'm going for
a sort of, pleather daddy look,

do you like it?

Woo!

Yes, I turned 60 this year,
I know it's hard to believe,

I know, I know!
No, I don't want your pity.

Um...

Getting older as a queer man
is no picnic,

we are not a community,
gay men that is,

that values the aging
process very much,

I'm sure you've noticed.
You go from being a twink

to an otter or a bear,
or a cub or a chub,

and then there's a period
of about 25 years

when nobody wants to fuck you.

So, you'd better either be in
a long-term relationship,

or be prepared
to furiously masturbate

for quite a long time!

And then, in the blink of
an eye, you become a silver fox

or a daddy, and
the floodgates open,

let me tell you!

Oof! The moisture!

So, as Oprah Winfrey advises,

I am leaning in to
my daddyness tonight.

Wooo!

And my zaddyness!

Yes. One of the things about
getting older is that you start

to forget things, uh, but I um,
don't care, because!

I've been forgetting things
since I was 20, I really have,

but when, um, you forget that
you've had sex with people.

They don't like it!

And this has happened to me
quite a few times in my life,

and one of the most recent
was particularly awful.

I was at this party and I,
erm, met this person and went,

"Hello, I'm Alan." And he went,
"Oh, we've met before."

And there was something
about his tone.

And so I said, "Oh, we have?
Where did we meet?" And he went,

"We met in Los Angeles,
25 years ago." I was like,

"Well, cut me some
fucking slack, bitch!"

And I went, "Oh, really?
We d-we did?"

He went, "Yes, you were
there making a film called

The Anniversary Party."

I went, "Yes, I did make a film
called The Anniversary Party,

25 years ago
in Los Angeles, yes.

Glad you remember!"

And he said, "And yes,
and you had that lovely house

you were renting
in the Hollywood Hills."

I thought, "Uh-oh!"

I went, "Oh, that's right.
Did you, did you ever

go to that house?"

He said, "Yes I did,"

and I said, "Oh, did you ever
spend the night in that house?"

And he went, "Yes I did."
And honestly, crickets, nothing,

zero recollection
of this person!

And uh, and I went,

"I'm so sorry,
help me out here."

And he went, "You remember,
we met in a bar!"

I went, "You'll have to narrow
that one down, darling!"

"We met in a bar, and then we
went back to your house

in the Hollywood Hills,
and we did the business,

and then I stayed the night,
and the next morning, I left."

I was like, "Uh-huh."
And then he went--

"But I left my watch behind."

And all of a sudden, it was like
the mists cleared, I was like,

"Wait, wait a minute, a watch."
"Yes, yes!" And I said,

"That's right,
you left your watch,

and I sent it back to you."

And he went, "Yes! But you sent
my someone else's watch."

I was a young man with needs,
having a slutty summer,

let's not be judgy!

And I said to him,
"So, was the watch I sent

nicer than the one
you left behind?"

And he said, "Yes." I went,
"Shut the fuck up, then!"

Anyway um, it's so great
to be back in Montreal,

I really love it here,

and the thing I love most
about Montreal is that

in the strip clubs, you can
actually have uh, hard-ons.

And you know, and the performers
can too, of course. And...

I love that. And then later on
in the evening,

more creamy loads, poutine!

I'm sorry!

Did I hear someone say "pute?"

Hello, hello, I don't think
we've met. Hello.

No, we haven't.

I am the most
famous woman in Québec!

Are you Celine Dion?

I could be!

Cause Celine, if you, I mean,
I'm really happy for you,

'cause you know, you've put
on a bit of weight,

and you look great
and everything, I'm really.

Oh, tea!

And you know what?
- What?

You look a little
hungry, Alan.

- Oh.
- I'm sure

you could use a little
snack right now!

Thank you very much,

- Yes...
- Thank you!

Oh, with the warning on
the filter, that's good.

- Yeah.
- Great! Wow.

I really love this outfit,
it's very, trashy.

I'm sorry, I look trashy?

No, baby!

This is tra-chic, alright?

Because, I am actually
not Céline!

I am Sami Landri!

Ah!

And I wanna welcome you
to Montréal.

Merci beaucoup, maybe,
actually, you could um,

help me with my French,

I'd love to sort of learn
some more French phrases.

I'd love to say in French
something like, you know,

"I think you're beautiful,
and I want to make love to you."

Alright! Okay, I got you,

I got you, okay.
- Uh-huh.

Holy cripe!

Try that one.
- Okay, I'll try it.

Holy cripe!

You know what?
It's not bad, it's not bad.

Okay, now I really want you
to roll your Rs with it.

- Oh, like a Scottish person!
- Exactly!

Holy cripe!

I felt that one!

- Did you?
- I did, I did!

Gir, I think you're all ready
to go, you're all set.

Thank you.

- Hold on.
- What?

Let me give you something for
breakfast tomorrow, honestly?

Just keep the whole pack!

Thank you very much!

Please give it up
for Sami Landri!

Salut! À tout à l'heure!

Uh, okay, we have an iconic
evening ahead of us,

are you ready to get
the show started?

Well, we couldn't have a comedy
show without a lesbian legend,

who is totally hilarious,
has her own TV show

and is universally adored.

But Jann Arden wasn't available.

Instead, we have the hilarious
Sabrina Jalees!

Wow!

I... was... available!

Yeah. I'm so happy to be here,
I just had a baby.

True fact, I just had a baby,

I look pretty good for
just having a baby! Right?

Thank you. My wife carried
the baby, but I!

I do look pretty fucking good,

and that's how I wanna
start things.

My wife carried my embryo,

which is a lesbian
grand slam, you know?

My wife carried my egg, when you
successfully get your egg

inside your wife,

Rosie O'Donnell crashes through
your front window on a jetski.

She goes, "Yeaahh!"

Opens up that seat,
Chappell Roan pops out,

she goes,
"You did it, girlie!"

My wife carried my baby,
my wife got a C-section.

Seven layers of skin,
just sliced open.

Bro, that could've been me!

You know?

Seven layers of skin, do you
know how hard that recovery is?

I had to help distract her from
the recovery, so I uh,

I invited my parents to come
live with us for two months.

You know, so she could be like,
"C-section? What C-section?"

"There's a Pakistani man
peeing with the door open."

"C-section? I don't remember
a C-section,

there's a Swiss lady
asking if paid taxes."

I have, I have two sons.

I've got a seven-year-old
and a one-year-old,

cause you can do whatever you
want in your life,

you could be a gold-star
lesbian but God will find a way

to wedge dicks into your life!

First baby, our seven year old,
so easy to make,

I toss jizz in my wife,
baby comes out, perfect.

What a great recipe!

Second baby, augh!
That was just

up and down fertility mountain,

throwing IVF embryos
into my wife,

at one point I'm like, "Maybe
it's internalized homophobia,

maybe I should get pregnant."

I toss jizz in me, which,
my womb looks like...

the dyke rainbow.

Imagine what was going
on that day,

gold-star lesbian,
jizz enters the womb,

it must have been just
like a thousand

Tim the Tool Man Taylors
being like,

"Holy shit, we've got
the ingredients, boys!

I got pregnant, I tell everyone,
cause why not.

My mom's friend immediately
is like,

"Isn't it a little early
to be telling people?"

I'm like, "No, bitch, cause
I just told you!"

Then I did miscarry.

I miscarried, I tell my mom's
friend I miscarried, she goes,

"Now do you wish you didn't
say anything?"

I wanted to push her
down the stairs!

Be like, "Bitch,

now do YOU wish
you hadn't said anything?"

It's so fucked up that women are
supposed to be quiet about this;

miscarriages suck, I'm gonna
talk about it. The name sucks!

Miscarriage makes it sound like
the woman did a mistake,

did a little boo-boo, you know?

When miscarriages, 90% of them
are chromosomal abnormalities,

but miscarriage makes it
sound like

I Amelia Bedelia'd the baby.

Like I was like,
"Carry the baby? Oh no!"

"Oh no, Amelia!
I left it in the Uber!"

Perfect Amelia Bedelia
impression!

Miscarried the baby, then I had
to get an abortion,

which is sometimes that's
so controversial now.

An abortion, so sad, I'm like
holding my wife's hand,

and the baby's being pulled out
of my body, um,

thank you, good night!

No, I'm laying there, the baby's
being pulled out, it's so sad,

such an emotional moment.

I'm in a diaper, and I'm
hobbling to the elevator,

and we're, you know,
just trying to get through

the moment, and the nurse that
was in the room runs towards me,

she's like, "Miss Jalees!
Miss Jalees!"

The only reason to have that
energy in that moment

is if she was like,
"Miss Jalees, the baby!

It's alive!"

"It's dancing on the counter,
Miss Jalees!"

"It wants to meet you.

Miss Jalees, have you seen
Ally McBeal?"

Woo!

But this bitch runs after me
to be like, "Miss Jalees!

Your copay. You have to pay
your copay."

And then it was cash only,

like some farm to table
restaurant in San Francisco.

So, I'm not saying all abortion
clinics should be shut down,

but that one can fucking go.

That one can get gone!

My kids call me Baba, I grew up
thinking it was Urdu for Dad,

'cause all of my cousins,
my Pakistani cousins,

call their dads Baba.

And I'm explaining this to my
white friend when my dad

is visiting, this year, okay?

And my dad cuts me off when
I say, "Baba is Urdu for Dad,"

and he goes, "No, it's not."

I'm like, "What, Dad?" He goes,

"Baba is Urdu for any old man."

I'm like, "You're telling me
this now, bitch?"

Fuck you, Baba!

Anyway, I've been Any Old Man,

have a great night,
you guys are terrific!

Thank you, Sabrina Jalees!

Fun fact, everybody, fun fact.

Our next comic went to high
school with Nelly Furtado!

Wooo!

And he's new to the wonderful
world of bisexuality!

Wooo!

Now, as a seasoned pro,

I can tell you, you can't teach
an old bi new tricks,

but I am very happy to show
a new bi some old dick!

I'll be here all night, please
give it up for Dan Duvall!

Hello, Montreal!

It's good to be here,
I am a newly-out

bisexual man!

Thank you, it is exhausting!

It's like being a golden
retriever, you know,

you gotta say hi to everybody.

But I-I-I-I travel all across
the country

doing up stand-up comedy,

and it's interesting talking
about this in different parts

of the country.
You understand?

Like it's, it's easy
here in Montreal,

everybody parties till
five o'clock in the morning,

everybody talks
with their hands,

this place is gay as hell.

You know, but I gotta do this
in Alberta!

They have straight
Pride parades there.

They had a huge one,
went all the way to Ottawa!

Yeah.

Honk!

Yeah man, the convoy.

I was in, I was just
in Calgary for Pride,

I don't know if you know this,
did you know that Calgary

has the biggest Pride event
in Canada, did you know that?

Yeah, it's called
the Calgary Stampede.

Yeah, a bunch of city boys,

dressed up like cowboys!

Playing with horses,
brushing them.

Pretty gay!

You tell me what's gayer than
five ripped, shirtless dudes

in cowboy hats pretending they
don't wanna kiss each other!

Yeah, so this is all, this is
all pretty new for me,

I'm figuring out where on
the spectrum I kind of sit,

and at first, I thought I was
like 80/20 percent, you know,

like just the tip, and then--

As time has gone on and my
Pornhub searches have expanded.

I've learned that it's more
like 50/50, you know?

It's, it's good, but I-I like,
I'm, I'm 44 years old,

so I came out in my forties,
I'm 44, which is crazy,

because I'm hot as hell,
you know?

But I grew up in the 90s
and I grew up desperately

trying to act like I was not
hooking up with my friends,

you know, it was, it was a very
crazy time in my life,

and so, you know,

that's what it was like,
and now I'm trying,

I'm living my life out loud
as a person, the person

that I was always meant to be,
you know, it's great.

Thank you!

It's amazing, right?

But it's different now, and now
I can, it's better, like,

I'm doing stuff that I could not
do as a straight person, right?

Like, I'm using sunscreen!

I'm washing my legs in the
shower, it's a whole thing!

It's crazy, I was in High Park
in Toronto,

and a chipmunk
crawled into my hand!

Right? Back when I was straight,
I would've crushed it!

So I, I started telling people,

I felt comfortable enough
where I started telling people,

and um, and most people
had no idea,

most people were totally shocked

when I started talking
about this.

But there were some people
who knew, there were some people

who knew the whole time.

Like, my best friend Craig,

who I used to hook up with while
his dad was at work?

He knew, you know?

He cracked the case,
cracked it wide open!

You know what I'm saying?

But I told my sisters first.
I have two older sisters,

so for my dad it went girl,
girl, and then a boy,

and he was like, "Yes!"

And then I was like,
"Not so fast!"

"Okay? I'm pretty too, Don!"

And then, So, I told them first,

and they were like,
"Yeah, we know.

We've been calling you
a homo your whole life!"

"Did you think we were joking?"

So I told them and it went good,
so then I was like,

I'm gonna tell my mom, right?

I'm gonna tell my
76-year-old mom,

so I called my mom up
on the phone, and I said,

"Mom, I want you to know,
I also like dudes."

Okay? And then my mom said,
and I quote,

"Ewww, gross!"

And, and then right away,

she's like, "I'm sorry I said
that," she's like, "I'm sorry!"

She's like, "It's just, I'm in
the grocery store,

I'm grocery shopping right now."

She's like, "I'm in the meat
department, this is a lot!"

Yeah, so, I told her and that
went well, and then I was like,

I-I'm like, I'm gonna tell
my dad.

Right? And that's
a different thing,

'cause my dad is not
like me at all, okay?

My dad is from a town in
Saskatchewan called Cut Knife.

That is a town named after how
you died and the murder weapon!

He's a dad, do you understand?
Like, he's a dad,

like he just wakes up
and says the price of gas.

His pronouns are
Kirkland Signature,

he's a dad!

So, I did, I told him. I told my
dad, I finally told him,

I told my dad,
I did it. Yeah.

Yeah.

So, so my mom got a phone
call, my dad? Got a text.

I shot him a text,

I shot my dad a text, I said,

"Dad, I just want you to know
I also like dudes."

Okay? And then I said a bunch
of heartwarming ass stuff

in the middle, and then at the
end, I tried to keep it light,

I tried to make a joke,
and I was like,

"I hope we can still play
golf together."

And this is true, my dad wrote
back one sentence,

just one text, that's it,
and he just said,

"You're not playing
from the ladies tees."

That's a win! That is a win
for my boomer dad.

Besides, I'm playing from both
tees, hasn't beaten me since.

Thanks a lot, you guys!

Thank you, Dan Duvall!

Our next performer coming
to the stage identifies

as a skateboarding lesbian,

which means
she can do a kickflip

and has at least three exes
in the audience tonight.

Please welcome Irene Tu!

What's up, everybody? Um,
I'm having a pretty good year,

I'm trying to be
a better person this year,

and a lot of my friends
are activists, you know,

they're queer, uh, and I would
like to do that, you know,

I want to be more
of an activist.

I just don't know if I have
the personality of an activist,

because activists are

fucking annoying!

That's just a fact, okay?

And I don't mean that
in a bad way,

'cause that's the whole job.

It's to be
professionally annoying!

Think about it, you're not gonna
change a law being nice.

Woo!

Yeah, you have to be so
fucking annoying

that somebody's like...

"Okay, we'll give you
gay marriage!

Can you leave us alone?"

"I'm trying to eat!"

That's how social change works.

That's why I'm so glad that
gay marriage is legal now.

'Cause that means,

I didn't have to fight for it!

You know? And I just got to reap
the rewards.

I was born in the right decade.

Like, if I was born any earlier,

and I had to be a part
of the gay rights movement,

I probably would've just like...

been straight, you know?

I'd be like, "That's too much
work, honestly.

I don't know if we're gonna
get it in my lifetime.

I'll just get a beard instead,
that seems easier."

But you know, I'm trying to do
more, okay? Baby steps, right?

Like, I can't step in front
of a tank immediately, so...

I was like, what's a way that
I can help out that involves

little to no effort on my part?

And a couple of years ago,

we had this big writer's strike
in LA, and I was like,

"Okay, great.
I'm gonna support the strike."

So I started posting about it
on Instagram.

That's it, that's all I did!

I'm a hero!

I just don't like that every
protest involves

physical activity.

Have you noticed that?

Like, why are we always
marching to places?

Activists, we're a frail people.

We should be catering
to our strengths.

Like, did you know in the 60s,
they did all these sit-ins?

Let's bring those back!

Yeah, you guys are all sitting
right now,

this could of been a protest!

Right? Like, we were fighting
Netflix, okay.

Let's go into
Netflix and chill!

That would've been a perfect
protest, okay?

But no, I have to
run a 3K for my rights!

I didn't train for this!

And I never know
what to put on my sign.

Like, you have to show up to
a protest with a good ass sign,

'cause that's the only way
that you get photographed.

And that's the most
important part.

'Cause if you weren't
photographed at the protest,

were you even there?

Yeah, how are you gonna
show people later,

you're a good person?

'Cause, I want to be able
to flex on my kids one day.

You know, we get into
a argument, right?

Me and my asshole son.

He's straight, he sucks.

He's yelling at me. He's like,
"Mom! You're a bad person!"

And I'm like, "Oh! Okay!

Fine, you think I'm a baaad
person, alright.

See that US history book?"

"Yeah, turn to page 354."

And he's like, "Okay."

I point to a photo,

I'm like that's a picture of me!

Protesting!"

Yeah! That's the back
of my head.

And he's like, "Okay, cool.
Uh, what was the protest for?"

And I'm like, "...

I don't know!"

"I just did it for the photo,
you're grounded!"

And he's like,
"Does that say January 6th?"

"Don't look at that! Okay?

I thought it was
a costume party."

But no, I did think back on it,

and I realized that I didn't go
to any of the protests in 2020,

there were a lot of them,

you know, the Black Lives Matter
protests.

And it's not because I didn't
support it, okay?

I was actually living with
my grandparents at the time,

and this was early on in
the pandemic,

we didn't know
how Covid worked.

Yeah, I didn't want to
accidentally get Covid

at a protest, bring it home
and like,

kill my grandparents.

You know, I had to decide what
was more important to me.

Not killing my grandma,

or, fighting police brutality.

And I went with
not killing my grandma.

And that still weighs on me.

Cause she's racist.

So...

I feel like I shoulda gone!

And killed two birds
with one stone.

You know?

Thank you guys so much,
I've been Irene Tu!

Thank you, Irene Tu!

I changed.

Our next performer used to teach
elementary school,

and once again, he's standing
in front of a room

full of people thinking,
"What's that smell?"

He was named one of Variety's
10 Comics To Watch,

so you're welcome Montreal,

you can watch him right now.
Please welcome Joe Dombrowski!

Montreal, how are we?

Thank you. It's, it's so good
to be back,

I love travelling
to other countries for comedy,

I was, I was recently in another
foreign country,

I was in, um...

Florida, and.

I don't know, okay, here's
the thing. I went to the bar

after every single one
of my shows,

'cause I was a teacher
for 10 years,

so now I'm an alcoholic, and...

I'm sitting at the bar
minding my business,

and this cockroach runs,
I'm, that's my biggest fear.

I don't do cockroaches,

I do do them,
without the roaches part, but!

Sitting there, cockroach runs
across the table, levitates,

flies into my face!

I rant to the bartender,
I was like, "Excuse me,

I've just been accosted
by the Florida state bird!

And he just looked at me,
and he said, "Ma'am?

That is..."

"In those loafers?

Ma'am, that's a Palmetto bug."

And, do you know this term that
they use down there,

Palmetto bug? It's what
they call cockroaches,

and I hate it, cause you can't
just take something disgusting,

slap a cute name on it, and now
it's socially acceptable.

Right? Like, you can't just
put glitter on a 19-inch dildo,

call it "comfortable!"

It's...

It'll still bring harm
to you, so...

So I'm sitting there,
drinking my Dirty Martini,

because, duh? And...

These two Florida people,
just let me tell ya,

beacons of Floridian excellence!

They just start walking
towards me,

all four teeth
collectively, and...

I-I didn't catch their names,

but for the sake of the story,
we'll call them Methany Frankel

and Fentyana Rodriguez, and...

And one of 'em starts talking
to me, and she goes,

"Joe? I just wanna let you know

that we didn't think you were
funny, because--"

"Teachers in this country
are actually teaching

kids to be gay!"

"Methany!"

"That's crazy,
I taught for 10 years,

I couldn't even teach
'em to write their name

at the top of the page!"

And that's just not true, okay?

Because if teachers were still
teaching the kids

anything to be gay,

teachers would be
still teaching cursive. Hm?"

'Cause cursive's just
gay language, girl,

let's be real.

It's just homosexual
hieroglyphs, if you ask me!

'Cause if you write the letter A
in print, you say, "Ey!"

If you write the letter A in
cursive, you say, "Eyyyyy!"

A lot has changed since last
time I've been in Montreal,

last time I was here,
I was getting married.

This time, I'm having a baby.

Thank you!

Thank you, I'm very excited.

Let me tell you this, though,

super hard to name a baby when
you used to be a teacher, okay?

Like, I'm throwing out all
these names,

my husband's shutting 'em all
down. He's like, "Megan."

"Talker." "Jenna." "Talker."
"Gillian." "Pooped herself."

So then he was like,
"Why don't you just make a list

of celebrity names, and maybe
that will jog something

within us, and I said,
"Chaka Khan!"

He hates it! I love it, 'cause
can you picture two gay dads

with a Chaka Khan, and it's not
a French bulldog?

And, I just want a Chaka Khan

so that I can pick her up
from school

and stand at parent pick-up,
and be like, "Chaka Khan!"

But, his top three names
are Mable, Eloise and Lois,

I was like, "Oh, didn't realize
we were making a small army

of suffragettes!"

Lois, I feel like I'm gonna be
at the hospital

and then you have to say
to people, "Oh, this?"

"It's Lois."

"Yeah, she's got a drinking
problem, and."

"We'd go home, but the car seat
doesn't fit

in our covered wagon, so!"

We're doing IVF and surrogacy,

just as the Lord intended it,
and um.

My husband and I are
complete opposites,

and he doesn't like when
I panic in medical situations.

Like, I had to get
a colonoscopy last year,

and at the doctor's
appointment,

the doctor looked at me,
and he said,

"Joe, this might hurt a little."

And I panicked and I said,
"I think we're fine!"

And then he put his finger
in me, and I did panic, I said,

"Look, it's like I'm your little
finger puppet, Rick!

Wer, wer, wer,
wer, wer, wer, wer!"

I hate myself, I do,

I hate myself, just take
my voice, Ursula,

I don't deserve it! Anyway.

But Morgan can do anything,
and I, when I was like,

"Morgan, you can do it all,
and I can't do anything!"

And he's so sweet, he stops me
and he goes,

"It's okay, we're a team, babe."

And I think that that is,

nauseating!

So he planned our whole
baby journey, and we met

with a fertility specialist,

and we were picking
the egg donor,

and the specialist looked
at me and said,

"What kind of women are you
into?" And then I, um,

threw up in my mouth
a little. And...

She said, "Oh no, if you were of
heterosexual descent,"

"In these boots!"

"What qualities in a woman would
you be seeking?" And I said,

"Thank you for asking, she'd
have to be smart and funny,

built like a linebacker, um."

"I'd like her main adjective
to be sturdy,

and I'd like her to look like
the antagonist in 'Matilda.'"

And then they whisked us into
another meeting,

so they could collect our,
um, samples -

I'm sorry about your
face! And we're--

...we're in this room, it's
crowded, there's nowhere to sit,

so Morgan and I are all the way
in the back

when a nurse chimes in,
and she goes,

"Joe, Morgan, I only have
one room available."

"I can only take one of you
right now."

And I stood up
in front of all those men,

and I said, "It's okay,
we can go together!"

Morgan's like, "Shut up!"

I said, "What?

We're a team, babe!"

I'm Joe Dombrowski, thank you so
much! Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you, Joe Dombrowski!

Are you having
a good night, Montreal?

Passez-vous une bonne nuit?

It's French! Um...

I was just talking backstage

about the fact that this is sort
of the epicentre of queerness

in the world, tonight,
right here, this is...

This is gay Ground Zero, people!

Uh, I've done quite a lot
of big queer things in my time,

but no names!
I'll never kiss and tell.

No, what I mean is I've done
a lot of big queer things on TV,

I've been, for example,
fucked up the ass by a lesbian

with a strap-on
on The "L" Word.

Wooo!

Oh yes, I was way ahead of the
pegging curve.

Eat me, Prince William! And...

What, too soon? Sorry!

I was also in one of the gayest
films ever made,

uh no, not SpiceWorld,
though I was in that, too.

No, I'm talking about when
I played Nightcrawler

in one of the X-Men films.

Yes, the gayest film ever made!

I mean, people having
to hide their true identity

and wearing a lot of leather,
I mean, come on!

I've also been in a lot of,
sort of, gay classics,

like Josie and the Pussycats.

Shot here in Canada.

Uh, and I've won many accolades,
and um, many awards in my time,

but I am still smarting
from losing

the 1997 MTV Movie Award

for Best Dance Sequence,

for my work with Lisa Kudrow
and Mira Sorvino

in Romy and Michelle's
High School Reunion!

I've also been in some very
queer-coded films.

I was um, Mr. Floop
in the Spy Kids trilogy.

Yes, he's a queer one.

But, just a word of warning,

if you are thinking of ever
coming up to me to express

how much Mr. Floop and Spy Kids
meant to you as a child,

please do not do it in the
manner of a young man

who came up to me
in Albuquerque,

a couple of years ago.

Because he came up,
almost crying, and said,

"Alan, you touched me a lot when
I was a little boy!"

No! No!

No, we will not,
Albuquerque!

And of course, more recently,
you may know me

as the host of The Traitors,
which is...

Which is the campest thing
I have ever been in,

and that's me saying that!

The Traitors is such fun
to shoot, it really is,

in such a sort of incredible,
sociological experiment.

I'm constantly amazed
by the stupid decisions.

That the players make on it,

how they get all swept up with
this sort of pack mentality,

you know? I actually say
that the Traitors is like

Lord of the Flies with Botox.

Ooh, they're harder to open
than you think!

"Dear Allan,"

"By order of the Traitors,
you have been murdered."

I've been murdered?

Who are you, bitch?

Oh my goodness!

Ha!

It's Karine Vanasse, host of
The Traitors Canada!

Karine!

Mm-hmm!

What are you doing here?

And why were you wearing
my bathrobe?

Non! Oh, Allan,

I was told the host of
The Traitors Canada

was hosting
this gala tonight.

- Oh!
- Mm-hmm!

Oh no, it's the host
of The Traitors

was hosting this gala
IN Canada.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Oh, don't--

Don't be sorry,
it's totally fine!

I mean, now that you're here.
- Mm-hmm!

Shall we, uh, why don't we do
some Traitors voice exercises?

Oh yes, why not?

- Ready? Okay, here we go.
- Yes!

Murrrderrrr!

Murrrrrdeeuuuurrr!

Pretty good, yes, pretty good!

Here's another one.

Yes.

A quarter of a million
dollars!

Haha!

One hundred--

Canadian dollars!

Very good!

Shall we do the next
introduction together?

- Yes, just a second.
- Oh yes.

- Oh yeah!
- Got my bathrobe.

Yes.

Uh, okay. Please welcome
to the stage.

The one, the only,
the ever Faithful.

Tranna Wintour!

Um, little known fact,

Karine and Alan
are my mom and dad!

Woo!

But before I get started,
I do just have

a little personal announcement
that I need to make,

you probably won't care,

but I just want us all
to be on the same page.

I actually no longer
identify as trans.

I identify as a
two-time reality TV loser.

My pronouns are runner, up.

I made it to the top four of
Quebec's Celebrity Big Brother.

And all the way to the final
two of The Traitors Canada!

For anyone who doesn't know,
the concept of the Traitors

is quite simple. It's kind of
like a murder mystery,

and where 20 contestants
in a mysterious manor.

And among the contestants,

a select few are chosen
to be Traitors,

and the rest of us
are Faithfuls.

And it is the mission
of the Faithfuls to uncover

the identities of the Traitors
before the end of the game,

because if there's even
one Traitor left standing

at the end, they win it all.

Now, as Faithfuls,
we're at a major disadvantage,

we don't really have
a lot to go on besides vibes!

Which is my specialty,
I'm a Pisces,

I can read people really well!

Well...

According to Reddit,

I'm one of the worst players
of all time, internationally!

At the end of every day, we have
a Round Table where we share

who we think the Traitors are,
and then we vote them out.

There was one night
where I very confidently

named four people as Traitors.

There were only three.

Someone also on Reddit made a
calculation that statistically,

the chance of me naming
four people

and not landing
on a Traitor...

...was a 2.3% chance!

That does make me
one of the greats!

Not everybody has that.

I don't want to bring the mood
down, because I am having such

a blast, you are amazing!

But I do want to acknowledge

that this is an extremely hard
time for the LGBTQ community.

I never imagined that being
a trans person in 2025

would be harder than it was
10 years ago.

And I'm ashamed to admit,

but something that I do
that calms me sometimes,

is that I like to think
about people

who have it a lot worse
than I do.

Like Jennifer Lopez.

Let me explain.

Let me take you back to 2003,

she was with Ben Affleck,
a love for the ages!

At that time, she was
so inspired by this love

that she wrote an a--
well, "wrote!"

An album called
This Is Me, Then.

And there was even a song
on the album called

Dear Ben.

Beautiful.

As you all know, they broke up
a few days before the wedding,

but 20 years later,
they reunited.

And again, the love between them
was just so powerful,

that she was moved
to write a new album!

This time called
This Is Me, Now.

A real clever woman!

There's even a song on this
album called Dear Ben, Part Two.

But the album wasn't enough
to communicate the importance

of this love for Ben Affleck,

so she made a movie.

Called This Is Me Now,
A Love Story.

A CGI nightmare
that she produced

with 20 million dollars
of her own money!

I dare you to watch it!

But that still wasn't enough

to convey the magnitude
of this love!

So she made a documentary

about the making of the album
and the movie!

And she called it,

The Greatest Love Story
Never Told.

And they broke up
two months later.

Now, I believe that there
is a chance

that I can survive transphobia,

I could never survive
that kind of humiliation!

And that is why I will take
being a trans person in 2025

over being Jennifer Lopez!

Thank you guys so much,
I love you!

And I love J-Lo!

Tranna Wintour!

Our next performer is not only
a comedian,

he is a bisexual dancer,
a writer, a personal trainer,

and the author
of an X-Men comic,

and after learning all of that,

he is also my
future ex-boyfriend!

It's my pleasure
to introduce Jay Jurden!

Give it up for
Alan Cumming, everyone!

Oh my God! Earlier
in the show, Alan said

that gay people weren't going
anywhere, well, after this show,

I am going to the bathhouse!

Now. I'm so happy to be here,

I want y'all to know something,

I'm not guy but my husband,
super gay, right?

No, I love him so much,

he's smart, he's funny,
he has a good job,

I'm supposed to say that,
but the most important thing,

big ol' dick on that boy!

My God! Yeah, have you ever seen
a penis so long,

it's like the line at the DMV?

You go, "Wow, I knew this was
gonna be long,

I didn't know I was gonna
have to take off work!"

"Also, why are three of my
friends here?"

Um, but.

I want y'all to know that
I'm so happy to be with him,

I always shout him out,
he is a bit younger,

he's 23 centimetres, and...

That's the only conversion
therapy I'm gonna do.

Right? 23! That's pretty funny,

it doesn't work
if I say he's nine!

There we go, good, good, good!

No, I am getting a bit older,
I know I'm getting older,

because now I have a pair
of Transition lenses

and a pair of
cisgender lenses, and...

Yeah, old gays, I like being
a old gay, old gays, we're mean,

baby gays, they're meaner,

people who don't know they're
gay yet, they're the meanest!

They're always saying
stuff like,

"Please don't tell my wife!"
And I'm like,

"Shut up, senator!" Um, the...

That works, because also,
hockey players! Uh.

No, I try my best to be very
respectful for our community,

I have a rule, I do not make fun
of other people within the queer

umbrella, so right?
I don't make fun of lesbians,

because last year, I found out
that lesbians can fight!

Oh! My God!

Have you ever been kicked
by a pair of Doc Martens?

You make that mistake once!

It is quite a heavy shoe.

I don't know if y'all know
y'alls queer history,

but lesbians have actually
created a platform

for so many queer performers
over the years,

and by that I mean they
probably built this stage!

Now that's what we call
a well-constructed joke.

That is A union-approved joke.

I don't make fun of lesbians,

I don't make fun
of non-binary people,

because I don't like it when
baristas spit in my coffee, hey!

I can't make fun
of non-binary people,

y'all! What if I want
my bike fixed?

What if I wanna buy a record
on vinyl,

what if I need an ugly tattoo?
What I'm saying is...

...they have a lot of jobs,
and listen!

Gender is fluid,
but their assets are liquid.

I don't make 'em.

I don't make 'em, but
they/them's the rules!

Wait, hold on!

I'm doing a quick sweep
for mullets, uh.

Naw, I'm sorry, y'all
are French, moulet? Uh.

Yeah yeah, I don't wanna be hit
with a wallet chain

after the show, right?

Get over here!

Oooooh! I think Scorpion's
a beautiful name!

Finish them!

Hey, hey, hey! I can make
that joke! My husband recently

came out to me as a little
bit non-binary.

He said, "Hey baby, I'm okay
with using he, they pronouns,"

which means he usually feels
like a boy,

unless there's a bug
in the house. Now...

Full disclosure, he loves that
joke, they? Not so much!

But...

I'm learning, gender is tricky!

I have so many straight male
comedian friends,

and what happens is they
butch it up when they get out

in front of people.
They're normal backstage,

as normal as they can be,
but when they see other men,

they go "We need to bring back
real men, bring back real men!"

And I always want to tell those
straight comedians,

"Real men are not on stage!"

There's never been
a real man on stage,

real men are on...

probation, real men are on...

heart medication,
real men are on the couch

'cause Mom is mad! Real men
are on boats, not fun boats,

shipping vessels, real men
are on real boats,

so fake men like all of us
can eat real crab, okay?

Real men don't hunt drag queens,
they hunt dungeness!

But, it's always tricky
for these people,

they don't get it,

they don't understand
that gender is so expansive.

A lot of my straight friends,

all right now, they're also
doing something called

semen retention.
Y'all heard about this?

Okay, semen retention, that's
when you hold all the evil juice

inside of you, and you think
it's gonna give you

superpower, alright?

I-I want you to know something,
this entire set,

I've been doing
semen retention!

I promise for the next two
minutes, I will not c--

don't look at me, hey!

Whew, almost lost it!
No, I'm kidding,

I don't do semen retention
like that, I do it like this.

You guys, that is obviously
a lie, I have a ring!

A lot of people, they ask me,
they say,

"Jay? How are you a bi
man in a gay relationship?"

"I don't know, the same way
you're a dumb ass

in this premise!" My...

My big theory now is that
everyone is getting gayer,

right? Everyone in this room,
even if you're straight,

you are gayer than your
great-great grandparents, right?

That's how time works.

Okay, every woman in this room

is gayer than her
great-great grandmother because

y'all get to rattle off crazy
lesbian nonsense, like,

"Well, I think." And there was.

I know we're having a great
night, but we really need

to make sure we keep our eyes
on the prize and make sure

we make sure everyone is safe,
and no one feels unsafe

in their own body and sexuality.

I recently had to deal with some
homophobia, and by that,

I mean I did not get my way!

I...

No, listen! I was walking in my
neighbourhood, I'ma be honest,

I was prancing in
my neighbourhood! And,

I passed by this church,

this church had a sign, it said,

"Gentrifying sodomites are
ruining Harlem!" And I thought,

"Oh my God!
That is a crazy way to say

"Thank you for
the new Sephora!"

Alright, I've been Jay Jurden,
thank you so much!

Give it up for Alan Cumming!

Thank you, Jay Jurden!

We're closing with an
award-winning stand-up comedian,

television writer and author.

A high achiever? Absolutely!

Did they stop there?
Absolutely not!

Tonight, they'll be performing
music from their debut album

I'm A TV, please give it up
for Mae Martin!

What's up, Montreal!

Please, give it up again for
Alan Cumming!

To me, this song, I think it's
a very positive song?

When you hear it, you might be
like, "This sounds sad,"

but I think for me, it's about
how um, it doesn't matter,

like things are so dark
right now in the world,

but these things come in cycles,

and we've been through dark
things before,

and whatever they
throw at us, we can face it.

As long as we keep doing
things like this,

and staying together
and not hiding away,

playing video games.

Okay. This song's
called, Try Me.

♪ I knew a garden

♪ Corners overgrown with weeds

♪ Birds of ash
on thistle perches ♪

♪ Grown from shadow seeds

♪ Try me just try me

♪ I've been there
too many times ♪

♪ Try me just try me

♪ I saw a face there

♪ Making shapes
and bones all askew ♪

♪ Oh what a monster
everybody turns into ♪

♪ Saying words
like don't believe me ♪

♪ It was a question that I
didn't know the answer to ♪

♪ It was a face I knew

♪ It's looked me right
in the face so many times ♪

♪ Just try me

♪ I've been there
too many times ♪

♪ Try me just try me

♪ If I can help it
if I can help it ♪

♪ If nothing big goes wrong

♪ If I can help it
I'll try ♪

♪ Just try me

♪ I've been there
too many times ♪

♪ Try me just try me

♪ I've been there
too many times ♪

Everybody!

♪ Just try me

♪ I've been there
too many times ♪

Let's get Alan out here.

Alan!

♪ I've been there
too many times ♪

♪ Try me just try me

♪ I've been there
so many times ♪

♪ Try me just try me

♪ I've been there
so many times ♪

Mae Martin!

Thank you so much!

Alan Cumming!

Thank you all for coming!

Keep having joy,
keep protesting,

keep being queer, goodnight!

Subtitling: difuze