All language subtitles for Catastrophe.2015.S02E01.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track4_[eng]

I've never had casual sex
with a sober person before.

- I'm pregnant.
- Did you just say pregnant?

We're getting married.

I wouldn't have ordered this
if it were on the menu,

but there was no menu.

You gullible American prick.

You fucking ingrate shrew!

- I'm so sorry.
- My water just broke.

My water's broken.
It's too early.

What?

[crowd cheering on TV]

I knew they were going
to vote him out.

Well, congratulations.
You're a psychic of garbage.

Why are we watching this?

Because Mad Men's finished,

and Game of Thrones
isn't back on yet,

and there's nothing else.

So let's watch that,
then.

Let's
watch nothing else.

Or let's have sex.

Will I have to put
my mug down?

No.

My old lady bra
turns you on?

Fuck, yeah.
It's like being in bed

with one of my aunt's
friends.

- Feels dirty and wrong.
- Uhh.

Hmm.

Can I--
I just need to watch,

like, the first two minutes
of this next episode

because I want to see
what the hardest challenge is.

Can you move your feet?
That's really uncomfortable.

No.

Then can you make
your legs less heavy?

Are you going
to make me do it?

Why did you move
my legs like that?

I'm sorry.
I have a cramp.

You didn't say that.
You hurt me.

I said it was uncomfortable. I didn't know
I had to give you a diagnosis.

I asked you to move them,
and you didn't move them.

That was just really
aggressive.

- It wasn't aggressive.
- You're so aggressive.

- I'm aggressive?
- "Aggressive."

"Aggressive."
It was even aggressive

the way you said that,
Mark Wahlberg.

I'm not aggressive.

When have I ever
been aggressive to you?

Uh, just now, the way
you moved my feet.

I have a fucking cramp.

[scoff]
Don't loom over me.

Don't threaten me.

What? Do you know
what threaten means?

Yeah,
and I felt threatened.

[scoff] You felt threatened?

What are you, a blogger?

I felt threatened. Post.

Fucking Syrians
are threatened.

"I felt threatened."
You live on a cream puff.

Do you want to take a walk
and just, like, calm down?

Okay.

- Where are you going?
- Out.

Out. What are you,
a teenager?

Going for a drive.

Bullshit. You're going
to McDonald's.

Fine. Take your purse
and get out of my house.

Uh, this is my house.
I bought this house.

Fine.
Well, then get off my rug

that I bought in Amsterdam
where I had sex with a guy

whose last name
I didn't even learn.

Oh, like I haven't done that.

With women.

[raspberry]

Where's the fucking car?

Woman: ...after 4.

He didn't actually begin
communicating effectively

until he was about--

[TV off]

Yeah.
Nice try, Jason Bourne.

Where's the car?

- Sharon?
- Maynold Street.

You couldn't find
anything closer?

No, there was
lots of spots closer,

but I had 11 shopping bags,
and I'm nine months pregnant,

so I fancied the fucking walk.

Well, I don't,
so I'm going to sleep.

Don't touch me.

If you come
anywhere near me,

I'm going to scream.

Put your finger
in my asshole.

How?

- [baby chatter]
- Oh!

Ow! Fuck!

Hey! Are you okay,
darling?

Come here, honey.

I think I cut my f--
effing eyebrow bone!

- [barking]
- Get down, Mabel!

- Get down, Mabel!
- [whimpering]

[giggling]

He's trying to bite
the baby's toes again.

She's not biting them.

She's licking them,
and he likes it.

Just because he likes it doesn't mean
we should allow it.

That's
how fetishes start.

Do you want him
to have to pay hookers

to lick his feet?

Let's not set him
on that path.

Have a great day, honey.

- You okay?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah. Think so.

No baby today.

- You sure?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm going to go.

Oh, what are we
going to do about my mom?

We'll just tell her no
because we've got a baby on the way.

She claims to want
to help with the baby.

Well,
we know that's not true.

She's going to make me
take her places.

She's going to make me
take her to the M&M Store

in fucking
Leicester Square.

Like they don't have
M&Ms in America.

Well, you tell me where
you don't want to take her,

and I'll tell her
it burned down.

Our house. Tell her
our house burned down.

Okay.

Bring me back a surprise.

And as the fungus grows,

it takes over the ant's
central nervous system,

manipulating its behavior.

It then kills the ant,

and a stalk emerges
from the skull,

which explodes, spreading
the fungus much further,

creating armies of,
for want of a better term,

zombie ants.

And this, is a sense, is
what Brayban's seeking to do

- with our takeover of Nyromax.
- [phone jingles]

Can you see what I'm
getting at here?

Shit. I'm sorry.

I'm just-- I'm going
to take this. Just--

Did anyone else see
the documentary?

- Hey.
- It was disgusting.

I think the baby's coming.

Yeah, I think it's coming.

Whoo.

Rob:
You can't keep doing that.

Twice. I've done it twice,

and this time I genuinely
felt really lonely and bored.

Did you check in
on Frankie?

His little bum
still up in the air?

Way up there. I gave it
a little polish.

God, his little bum
is too much.

Even his penis is cute.

Ah. His little penis.

I love his little penis.

[chuckle]
You don't think

it's little little,
though, do you?

No. It's huge
for a baby penis.

Is it? I'd hate
if he had a small penis.

- Is that bad?
- No.

All moms want their sons
to have big penises.

You want your son's penis
to inspire respect

and a tiny bit of fear.

No. I just want it
to be big enough

so he doesn't have to worry. I don't want
him to be a folk legend

or have to put out ads
for women with big pussies.

Yeah. I don't want him
to have to roam

from city to city,
using rural highways

in search of women
who can handle his freakish penis.

[whistling]

Oh. He asked me
to itch his bum earlier.

- Yeah?
- But he meant inside it,

like he parted
his butt cheeks,

and he asked me
to itch him in it.

- What did you say?
- I said no.

But I felt bad.

It's okay to say no

when people ask you
to do stuff

to their private parts

that you don't
want to do.

Unless it's me.

I got to go back to work.

Aw.

If we were
to get Radiohead,

it would be the first time

they've allowed one of
their tracks to be used

in a pharmaceutical ad
targeted at children.

- What about Coldplay?
- [phone buzzes]

Well, obviously
I've tried Coldplay,

but, uh, you know,
people can't buy the drug

if they fall asleep
during the commercial.

Why would people fall asleep
listening to Coldplay?

We can try Maroon 5.

Automated voice on phone:
You have one new message.

Sharon: Oh, God,
where the fuck are you?

The baby's coming!
Fucking hell! Where are you?

No, no, no, no.
This is my lift.

- Oh! Oh!
- I'm so sorry.

I thought you just wanted me to keep you
company again.

They'll have to
cut it out of me, Rob.

Caesarian me, please!
It's not too late!

It's too late.
You're crowning.

Push it back in
and cut it out!

I'm sorry, nurse. Is it
definitely too late?

Yes, it is.

I told you it all started

with the dinner together!

I don't like this!

Nurse, she doesn't like this.

Is it out yet? Oh, God.

Oh, no. Am I
shitting myself now?

Barely.

♪ If you've seen a change ♪

♪ Yes, it's true ♪

♪ I'm a useful man ♪

♪ In these shoes ♪

Oh, fuck you, Grand Master 69!

Whenever
it's Hummel figurines,

this piece of shit
always outbids me.

[laughing]

Do you eBay?

Uh...Karen.

Are you going to cap it
at two of these?

Cap it? No, I'm going
to cut it off.

- I'm going to get snipped.
- Don't do that.

What if it doesn't
work out with Sharon

and you meet a younger
woman and she wants kids?

That's exactly why
I'm going to do it:

to remove
the possibility

of that nightmare
ever happening.

I'm going to be a husband
and a dad once.

I'm going to do a good job,
and then I'm going to die.

Give it time.
What about you?

I'm going to keep going
till I have a boy.

I'd be a great father
to a son.

How do you guys
not get pregnant?

Same way I don't get
the postman pregnant.

Fran and I haven't fucked
in just over two years.

Why, man? You're not--
[whistles]

Not yet, but it doesn't
get quite big or hard enough

to bridge the fucking gulf
that has opened up between us.

It would take at least ten
very hard, very long penises.

I could walk across them
like a tightrope, maybe,

and, uh, I don't know, throw
a handful of jism at her.

Isn't that
what Elton John does?

Where is Fran today?

We're not
currently attending

any public engagements
together.

Barometrically, we combine
to create an atmosphere

that is somewhat shitty.

We flipped a coin
for this party,

and I lost.

No offense.

Aw. It seems like
only ten minutes ago

we were sharing
one bedroom and a dildo

above a Chicken Cottage.

We never shared a dildo.

That's what you think.

Oh, my God.

I've gone and I've
wet myself.

It's okay.
I'm wearing a nappy.

Ohh.

You've got it all now.

Yeah. I've got two kids
and a dog now.

It's what I always wanted,
apparently.

Rob, he's looking
a little tired.

You might want to give him
a teeny break from Frankie.

You know, I just realized
who she reminds me of:

- Rob's father.
- Aw.

To give you the context,

you know the actor
Gene Wilder?

My baby doesn't look
like Gene Wilder.

[hums "I don't know"]

You know, I still have
trouble with the name.

How do you say it? Moron?

Muireann.

M-Moray?

"Mweren."

I get it. In America
we say Myron.

You know, people probably
try to say it your way,

but when they got
to Ellis Island

they just changed it
to Myron.

So I think it's Myron.

Ohh.

How long has your
mother-in-law been here?

Oh, just, uh,
just three weeks.

Yeah, she was supposed
to leave on Tuesday,

but she mislaid her passport.

It's fine, though, because she's been
doing a lot of babysitting,

and I'm kidding.
She's fucking useless.

You okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm terrific.

Where's your mom?

She's in the toilet.

She's scared of your mom,

so she's
hiding in our toilet.

[dog barking]

Why did we do this?

Because it knocks out
all our visitors

- in one terrible afternoon.
- Okay.

[fussing]

Do you want me
to take...Muireann?

Why do you do that?

Why do you pause before
you say her name?

I don't. Do I?

I mean, well, I don't know.

[barking]

I want to get rid
of that dog.

I'm so glad you said that.

Why did we get her?

Because that bitch from the shelter told
us they were going to have her put down

after we'd already
tickled her belly,

which is basically
entrapment.

[tapping]

Dad, you don't need to--

Just a-- a little toast

to the newest member
of the family.

And fair play to Sharon.

She never gave up hope.

She watched each and every
one of her peers

up and leave the disco
to settle down.

Even her baby brother
beat her to the punch.

For a long time
we thought, That's it.

She's missed her chance,

but she'll always
have her career

which she would explain
to us was her baby.

You hear a woman say that,

and then you watch
their features harden

and the rump widen,

and you think,
That's it now.

She's out to pasture.

But then Rob came along--

uh, broken in his own way.

And when Sharon and Rob
began their journey,

we all thought it had about
as much chance of lasting

as a fart in a storm.

No, not one single person
thought it would last,

least of all your mother.

- [laughter]
- But they've proved us all wrong.

And here we are amongst
a growing family,

and it's wonderful.

Just wonderful.

To Bridget and Rob.

Who the fuck is Bridget?

Bridget and Rob.

So you guys are in Dublin?

No, West Meath.
It's a lovely--

How far is that from Dublin?

Well, about 40 miles
down the moor--

River dance.
Is that West Meath?

No, I don't think so.

Well, he is Irish, right?

- Right.
- You know what?

I saw him dance. I wept.

In my panties.

You know, I would love

to visit you in Dublin.

Should I? I mean, I have
an open-ended ticket, so--

Well, I should clear away.

Mum,

you don't need
to worry about that.

Ah, well,
somebody has to.

Sharon.

Is the baby okay?

There's blood
in this nappy.

- Huh?
- [baby crying]

Oh, that's fine.
It's one of mine.

Can you keep an eye
on Frankie for a minute?

I'm going to go
check on Muireann.

- Okay.
- [crying continues]

Because she's crying.

Okay.

Rob.

Do you think it's a bad time
for me to pop to IKEA?

Rob's mum seems really nice.

Yeah, she's one of humanity's
brightest lights.

I'm really glad she's here,
and I hope she never leaves.

So what's going on
with Dad?

Have you changed your name to Bridget and
I don't know about it?

I don't know
what's wrong with him.

He's had five cans
of Stag, maybe.

I mean,
is he losing it?

I would have put money
on Mum to go first.

Fergal, maybe I don't--
I can't--

My tits are leaking.

Three people in this
house wear nappies.

I'm one of them. I have
to keep babies alive,

so I'm going to be able
to think about other people

in about six months or so.
Can you deal with it?

Yeah, yeah.
I'll fix his dementia.

Thank you.

Where's Frankie?

- Where's Frankie?
- What do you mean?

What do I mean?
Where's your son?

The front door was open
Honey, wake up.

- I asked you to watch him--
- Yeah, and I was--

- What?
- I don't know.

- Where's Frankie?
- What?

- Where's the baby?
- Frankie.

- Sharon: Frankie!
- Rob: Frankie!

Sharon: Frankie!

Somebody's had an accident.

He's there.

He's crapped himself.

Jesus Christ, you nearly
gave me a heart attack.

Why, can't a grandmother spend time
with her grandson?

Mia, you've been here
three weeks.

You've barely
registered his existence.

Oh, please. This is the first
day since I got here

that you haven't
slept till 11.

- What?
- You treat Rob like a hired hand.

Knock it off, Mom.

I think you might be
more comfortable

in a hotel.

Well, probably.
At least there

I'd get clean sheets
now and then.

Don't be an asshole, Mom.

Oh, she's not
an asshole.

She's an hemorrhoid
on an asshole.

You are a malevolent
hemorrhoid of a woman.

You can take it down a few
notches, too, all right?

Your parents have been here 25 times
in the last three months,

and any complaints I've had--

which, by the way, Carol,
have been barely any--

I've delivered to you
in private.

I haven't nailed them
to the church door.

Where's Muireann?
Where-- Where's Muireann?

She's upstairs.
But even if she wasn't,

I couldn't call out her name
because I can't pronounce it.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Please, anyone,
help me out here.

Can anyone pronounce
my baby's name?

- Muireann.
- Not you people. The other people.

- Morty.
- Marian.

Myron.

[Sharon scoffs]

Well, that is--

That's--

Just keep the fucking
front door shut.

Sorry.

- You okay?
- No.

Will you ask
everyone to leave?

No.

If they're still here
in an hour, will you?

Yes. I'm sorry
I freaked out.

Can you really not
pronounce her name?

It's not like some
African tribal language

with clicks in it.
It's just Irish.

It's just easy.

I'll get it.
I will get there.

Muireann
is a beautiful name.

I'm sorry I called
your mother a hemorrhoid.

That's okay. I mean,
best case scenario,

she's so upset
she leaves.

Worst case scenario,
she kills herself.

then I can finally
be free.

For God's sake.

- Rob Norris.
- Christ. Hey, Dave.

Is this yours?

Yeah.
Yeah, I think that's--

Right. Okay. Because, uh,

I found it next to that.

- Oh, Christ.
- Oh, shit, man.

Your wee doggie's
been hurt.

Fuck.

Excuse me.

Hey, Des,

what are you doing
out here?

Oh.

Just...
looking at the house.

It's a lovely house when you look at it
from this angle.

Yeah. Do you want
to come back inside?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You go in, man. I'll find
somewhere to stash it.

Thanks.

What's happened
to your dog?

To everything
there is a season.

Okay. 3, 2, 1. Ta-da!

Sharon: What the hell?

Where'd you get that photo?

Rob texted it to me
right after she was born.

That's my aureole.
You can see my veins.

What? It's perfectly natural.

I don't know
if it is on a cake.

♪ Whale noses big
as babies' faces ♪

Everybody.

You're looking after
this big fella, then?

- Oh, I'm fine.
- He's fine.

I'm going to give you
a piece of advice.

After your brother
was born

and your father and I had
a bit of a rough patch,

we decided that we had to put
our love for each other

above everything else

because we were man and wife

before we were
mother and father.

Right. So you chose
to love Dad more than us.

Oh, no.
Just to love him first.

It's the same
with me and Milandra.

Where's the dog?

[clicking tongue]

Mabel. [clicking tongue]
Mabel!

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm not crying
about the dog.

Why are you crying?

Everyone's still here.

Why won't they leave?

- Well--
- And in case you haven't noticed,

my dad's losing
his fucking marbles.[toilet flushes]

He left the door open.
The dog's dead.

It could have been Frankie.

I'm sorry
I left the door open.

No, no, no, no.

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Please don't worry. We were going to
have her put down anyway.

I'm just glad you're here.

Tried to find a bit of the cake
without your nipple in it.

Harder than it sounds.

I think it may have been irresponsible
for us to procreate.

Okay.

You're an alcoholic.

Your mother's
a card-carrying sadist.

My dad can't remember my name.

Fergal-- Well,
nothing's been diagnosed,

but, you know, there's
obviously a few things wrong there.

It's not looking good.

Thank God you're so normal.

[chuckle] What did you think
about what my mother was saying

about loving each other
more than the kids?

I think there's something
wrong with her.

Okay, good. I was
worried it was just me.

I just think if you don't
love the kids more than me,

then you're not fit
to be a mother.

Of course I love them
more than you.

I'm not a sociopath.

I haven't even bonded with my baby, and I
still love her more than you.

You haven't bonded
with the baby?

- No.
- Do you think

you might have a little
post-natal depression?

I don't know. No.

I don't know. I--

This is going to sound
awful, but...

I just worry that I
don't love Muireann

the way I love Frankie.

Is that why you gave her
a crazy name?

I-- Just the minute
she came out,

she scared me.

She looked like an alien.

Frankie was beautiful.
Even the day he was born,

he was just this tiny
beautiful little bean.

He weighed 4 pounds.
He was almost dark red.

And he had a hairy back.

He was a monster.

I don't remember that.

You don't think she seems--

What?

Manipulative.

Like she's plotting
something.

I don't get that sense, no.

You don't think you'll
do anything, do you?

No.

Okay.

Well, what you're going
through isn't rare,

- so-- Oh, shit.
- What?

I forgot
to bag up the dog.

Oh, shit. Are we
going to bury him?

I think I'll just
throw her away.

I mean,
she's small enough.

She was a good dog.

She was the best.

[baby crying]

♪ [Woman vocalizing] ♪

[vocalizing stops]

Everything okay, Rob?

Oh, yeah. uh, great.

H-How are you?