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1
00:00:05,701 --> 00:00:07,529
Hello?
2
00:00:07,703 --> 00:00:09,705
Sharon: Rise and shine,
Clementine.
3
00:00:09,879 --> 00:00:11,446
It's the beginning of
your birthday week!
4
00:00:11,620 --> 00:00:13,578
Yeah, I know. Who cares?
5
00:00:13,752 --> 00:00:15,493
It's just another week.
6
00:00:15,667 --> 00:00:17,800
This is the first year
since 9th grade
7
00:00:17,974 --> 00:00:20,324
that you and I haven't spent
my birthday together.
8
00:00:20,498 --> 00:00:22,326
That means
no birthday breakfast,
9
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,024
no birthday second breakfast,
10
00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:25,721
no birthday "Humpty Dance."
11
00:00:25,895 --> 00:00:26,896
Think again.
12
00:00:27,070 --> 00:00:29,246
Oh, my God! Aah!
13
00:00:29,420 --> 00:00:31,248
Sharon, what are you doing here?
14
00:00:31,422 --> 00:00:33,294
Did you come here
all by yourself?
15
00:00:33,468 --> 00:00:35,905
Well, I was partly involved.
Happy to do it.
16
00:00:36,079 --> 00:00:37,254
You know, someone had to
get her from the airport.
17
00:00:37,428 --> 00:00:38,429
Morning rush hour on a Thursday,
18
00:00:38,603 --> 00:00:39,778
which a lot of people
don't realize
19
00:00:39,952 --> 00:00:42,085
is actually busier
than a Monday.
20
00:00:42,259 --> 00:00:44,087
I can't believe
you're in on this.
21
00:00:44,261 --> 00:00:45,610
Well, your kids wanted to help,
but they were busy, so...
22
00:00:45,784 --> 00:00:47,047
Oh, well.
23
00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:51,268
- Sharon!
- My babies! Oh! Mwah!
24
00:00:51,442 --> 00:00:53,009
What happened to being busy?
25
00:00:53,183 --> 00:00:54,445
Oh, actually,
we lied about that.
26
00:00:54,619 --> 00:00:56,534
We just don't do airport runs.
27
00:00:56,708 --> 00:00:58,058
I mean, come on, Danny.
I don't have a man or a job.
28
00:00:58,232 --> 00:00:59,276
What was I doing?
29
00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:02,758
This is the best gift ever! Aww.
30
00:01:02,932 --> 00:01:05,804
Danny, I don't know if you know
this about my Jean yet,
31
00:01:05,978 --> 00:01:08,503
but she loves her birthday.
32
00:01:08,677 --> 00:01:11,332
Yeah. But you don't have to
get me anything.
33
00:01:11,506 --> 00:01:13,203
We're still in
the pre-dating phase.
34
00:01:13,377 --> 00:01:14,509
Unless you want to
lower my rent.
35
00:01:14,683 --> 00:01:16,163
You actually haven't paid rent
this month.
36
00:01:16,337 --> 00:01:17,468
I'm going to get that to you.
37
00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:19,209
Okay.
38
00:01:19,383 --> 00:01:22,082
Come on.
Let me show you the place.Okay.
39
00:01:22,256 --> 00:01:23,561
By the way, don't fall for that
40
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:24,867
"You don't have to
get me anything."
41
00:01:25,041 --> 00:01:26,129
She says that to everyone.
42
00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:27,348
You totally have to
get her something.
43
00:01:27,522 --> 00:01:28,566
Totally have to
get her something.
44
00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:31,352
Okay. Maybe I'll get her a card
and write inside,
45
00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:33,093
"Remember when your kids
tricked me into
46
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:34,833
picking up your best friend
from the airport
47
00:01:35,007 --> 00:01:36,531
during rush hour on a Thursday,
48
00:01:36,705 --> 00:01:38,533
which is actually busier
than a Monday?"
49
00:01:38,707 --> 00:01:41,536
You know I had to go inside?
It cost me $32 to park.
50
00:01:41,710 --> 00:01:43,103
I mean, that feels like
a gift to me.
51
00:01:43,277 --> 00:01:45,061
And they say romance
is dead in Australia.
52
00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:46,323
They do? They will.
53
00:01:46,497 --> 00:01:51,676
♪♪♪
54
00:01:51,850 --> 00:02:01,164
♪♪♪
55
00:02:04,559 --> 00:02:08,084
I'm just so happy
to be together in person.
56
00:02:08,258 --> 00:02:09,781
I've missed your lower half.
57
00:02:09,955 --> 00:02:12,088
Huh. Well,
you're not missing much.
58
00:02:12,262 --> 00:02:14,612
It's usually covered
in salsa and cat hair.
59
00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,788
I don't live
a very glamorous life.
60
00:02:16,962 --> 00:02:19,574
Then let's do
something glamorous.
61
00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:21,532
There's this spa
I've been meaning to try.
62
00:02:21,706 --> 00:02:23,360
I've had a buy-one-get-one,
63
00:02:23,534 --> 00:02:24,709
but I haven't had anyone
to get one.
64
00:02:24,883 --> 00:02:27,408
They've got this special wrap
65
00:02:27,582 --> 00:02:29,192
that pulls all the toxins
out of you.
66
00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:32,369
Oh, I brought a double
cheeseburger on the airplane
67
00:02:32,543 --> 00:02:33,762
and washed it down with
four cans of wine
68
00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:35,938
to calm my flying nerves.
69
00:02:36,112 --> 00:02:38,158
Girl, I could use something
to pull the toxins out.
70
00:02:41,117 --> 00:02:43,032
Okay, everybody, listen up,
because this is important.
71
00:02:43,206 --> 00:02:44,381
It is my first time
hosting the family
72
00:02:44,555 --> 00:02:45,948
as an official fiancée
of Freddie's.
73
00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:48,211
A bad dinner party
can end an engagement,
74
00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:49,778
and I'm not letting that
happen again.
75
00:02:49,952 --> 00:02:52,215
Again?
76
00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:54,696
I mean, who knows how many
birthdays Jean has left?
77
00:02:54,870 --> 00:02:56,524
What?
78
00:02:56,698 --> 00:02:59,179
So, we will have
a selection of appetizers,
79
00:02:59,353 --> 00:03:00,528
and for the main course,
80
00:03:00,702 --> 00:03:02,878
I'll be cooking my Abuela's
Mojo Chicken.
81
00:03:03,052 --> 00:03:04,880
We always have it for special
occasions in my family.
82
00:03:05,054 --> 00:03:06,838
Mm. Sounds like a lot of effort.
83
00:03:07,012 --> 00:03:09,058
Speaking of
not making an effort,
84
00:03:09,232 --> 00:03:10,755
let's talk about your outfit
for the evening, Jackie.
85
00:03:10,929 --> 00:03:13,105
Me?
86
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:16,239
Oh, do you want me to pretend
like I'm talking to everyone?
87
00:03:16,413 --> 00:03:17,849
It's nothing personal, Jackie.
88
00:03:18,023 --> 00:03:19,634
We just haven't developed
outfit trust,
89
00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:22,245
and this evening
has to be perfect.
90
00:03:22,419 --> 00:03:24,204
Don't worry about it being
perfect, Cel,
91
00:03:24,378 --> 00:03:25,857
'cause once my mom sees
the gift that I got her,
92
00:03:26,031 --> 00:03:27,946
heads will roll.
93
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,123
I don't think that expression
means what you think it means.
94
00:03:31,298 --> 00:03:33,387
Okay, so what are we getting Mom
this year?
95
00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:34,388
Weare getting her nothing,
96
00:03:34,562 --> 00:03:36,477
'cause weare getting her
97
00:03:36,651 --> 00:03:39,741
a 75-inch
quantum color flat screen TV
98
00:03:39,915 --> 00:03:42,091
with 8 million pixels
and a built-in soundbar.
99
00:03:42,265 --> 00:03:45,268
Cool. So I'll just go in
on that with you.
100
00:03:45,442 --> 00:03:48,271
No, you won't. It's from us.
101
00:03:48,445 --> 00:03:50,882
Fine. Whatever.
I don't need you.
102
00:03:51,056 --> 00:03:53,320
Lane and I will get her
something together.
103
00:03:53,494 --> 00:03:55,452
Well, I already have my gift
for Mother Raines.
104
00:03:55,626 --> 00:03:57,367
It's an original ballad
I'm composing for her.
105
00:03:57,541 --> 00:03:59,108
You can sing backup if you want.
106
00:03:59,282 --> 00:04:00,631
I'll figure something out.
107
00:04:00,805 --> 00:04:03,417
Come on!
The gift of song is priceless!
108
00:04:03,591 --> 00:04:05,462
And by "priceless," I mean free.
109
00:04:05,636 --> 00:04:07,029
Just get up and try it.
110
00:04:07,203 --> 00:04:09,640
Okay. You ready?
111
00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:12,948
♪ Meet me here ♪
112
00:04:13,122 --> 00:04:16,908
♪ I'm heeeeeeere ♪
113
00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:22,697
♪ I don't know where you are,
but you're not here ♪
114
00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:27,310
♪ Maybe you could meet me
over here ♪
115
00:04:27,484 --> 00:04:31,053
♪ Maybe not singing
is the gift ♪
116
00:04:31,227 --> 00:04:33,055
♪ I hate you all ♪
117
00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:36,014
♪♪♪
118
00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:37,799
Oh, Jean.
119
00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:40,584
That locker room is great.
120
00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:42,717
It's got all kinds of free combs
and lotions and stuff.
121
00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:44,936
Look, I loaded up my purse.
122
00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:46,677
Oh, hey.
123
00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:48,418
You're out of combs
and lotions and stuff.
124
00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:52,161
Alright, well, relax.
125
00:04:52,335 --> 00:04:53,510
Enjoy the amenities.
126
00:04:53,684 --> 00:04:55,556
I'll be back shortly
to escort you
127
00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:57,471
to the healing lounge for
your signature treatments.
128
00:04:57,645 --> 00:04:59,777
Oh, hey. Um, excuse me, Melissa.
129
00:04:59,951 --> 00:05:01,779
Are there any famous people
here today?
130
00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:04,042
I saw a naked lady,
looks like Drew Barrymore.
131
00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:06,523
It's not her. I asked.
132
00:05:06,697 --> 00:05:07,307
Namaste.
133
00:05:09,439 --> 00:05:10,875
What's with her?
134
00:05:11,049 --> 00:05:12,747
We don't really do that here.
135
00:05:12,921 --> 00:05:14,792
We like to treat celebrities
like regular people.
136
00:05:14,966 --> 00:05:16,751
Oh, "we" do?
137
00:05:16,925 --> 00:05:18,013
Okay, fancy.
138
00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:20,320
Oh, stop.
139
00:05:20,494 --> 00:05:22,496
But if you want to talk about
fancy, try this water.
140
00:05:26,108 --> 00:05:26,804
Oh, God.
141
00:05:28,284 --> 00:05:30,112
Ugh.
142
00:05:30,286 --> 00:05:32,332
I think they forgot to wash
the soap out of this.
143
00:05:32,506 --> 00:05:34,682
No, Sharon, it's infused.
144
00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:36,118
With nasty?
145
00:05:36,292 --> 00:05:37,902
Come on.
146
00:05:38,076 --> 00:05:40,818
We wanted to try something
glamorous for my birthday.
147
00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:42,603
Can you get into the spirit?
148
00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:45,170
Ooh.
149
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:48,522
♪ Come on, unh,
and do the Humpty Hump ♪
150
00:05:48,696 --> 00:05:50,393
♪ Sexy baby ♪
151
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:51,568
♪ Do the Humpty Hump ♪
152
00:05:51,742 --> 00:05:53,788
Oh. I changed it
for your birthday.
153
00:05:53,962 --> 00:05:55,572
Sharon, this is the Quiet Room.
154
00:05:55,746 --> 00:05:58,445
Oh, it's Ted Jr.
He's cat-sitting for me.
155
00:05:58,619 --> 00:05:59,881
Tuna Fey has been backed up
all week.
156
00:06:00,055 --> 00:06:02,797
Hey, Ted Jr.
157
00:06:02,971 --> 00:06:04,799
Did she go in
the litter box yet?
158
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:06,453
What do you mean,
you think it was a poop?
159
00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:08,280
You got to break it up.
160
00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:09,804
With your hand, Ted!
161
00:06:09,978 --> 00:06:10,587
Oh, my God.
162
00:06:13,198 --> 00:06:15,679
Oh, hey. Is -- Is Jackie here?
I need her advice.
163
00:06:15,853 --> 00:06:16,767
What do you need help with?
Losing a man or losing a job?
164
00:06:16,941 --> 00:06:18,378
Wow.
165
00:06:18,552 --> 00:06:19,901
Sorry. She's not here.
I can get real.
166
00:06:20,075 --> 00:06:21,598
It's exhausting
being the supportive friend
167
00:06:21,772 --> 00:06:23,644
to such a train wreck. Yeah, okay.
168
00:06:23,818 --> 00:06:25,472
Well, maybe you can help me,
uh, with Jean's gift.
169
00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:26,908
Just let me know
if you think it's okay.
170
00:06:27,082 --> 00:06:28,823
Uh, so, listen, in my practice,
171
00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:30,738
I see a lot of, uh,
rocky relationships, okay?
172
00:06:30,912 --> 00:06:32,304
And the number-one complaint
that women have
173
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:33,523
is that men don't listen.
174
00:06:33,697 --> 00:06:35,873
So I wanted to give Jean a gift
175
00:06:36,047 --> 00:06:37,179
that shows her I'm listening.
176
00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:42,576
Have you lost your mind?
177
00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:44,229
But the gals at
the brassiere shop --
178
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,623
Stop. I can't.
179
00:06:46,797 --> 00:06:47,232
Give me that.
I can't even look at it.
180
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,713
I can't even look at you!
181
00:06:49,887 --> 00:06:53,064
Danny, husbands who have been
with their wives for 50 years
182
00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:57,939
don't get them
full-coverage beige bras.
183
00:06:58,113 --> 00:07:00,724
But did I mention the gals
at the brassiere shop said
184
00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:03,466
it's so sturdy, it's the last
bra you'll ever need.
185
00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:07,122
Okay, I'll try again.
186
00:07:07,296 --> 00:07:08,950
♪♪♪
187
00:07:12,301 --> 00:07:12,997
Aren't you hot?
188
00:07:15,304 --> 00:07:16,000
I'm hot.
189
00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:20,918
But I think
the detox is working,
190
00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:22,920
'cause I can smell the hamburger
coming out of my pores.
191
00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:28,709
And chicken nuggets.
192
00:07:28,883 --> 00:07:30,145
Which is weird, 'cause
I didn't have any nuggets.
193
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,932
Sharon, you have to
stop talking.
194
00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:37,021
We can all smell it.
195
00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:39,981
♪♪♪
196
00:07:41,591 --> 00:07:43,288
Sharon, turn off your phone!
197
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,725
♪ Come on, unh... ♪
198
00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:47,118
Maybe your phone wouldn't be
so hard to find
199
00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:50,295
if you didn't steal so many
combs and lotions and stuff.
200
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:53,211
Sorry! She's from Iowa!
201
00:07:53,385 --> 00:07:54,822
Excuse me?
202
00:07:54,996 --> 00:07:55,866
You don't have to
apologize for me.
203
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:57,607
Well, I think I do.
204
00:07:57,781 --> 00:07:59,261
I'm sorry, Sharon,
but you're acting like
205
00:07:59,435 --> 00:08:00,697
you've never been out
in public before.
206
00:08:00,871 --> 00:08:03,439
Be careful.
I'm not that tightly wrapped.
207
00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:04,919
What's going on with you?
208
00:08:05,093 --> 00:08:07,138
Me? What's going on with you?
209
00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:08,792
You used to be fun.
210
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:11,142
Now you go to snooty spas
and care more
211
00:08:11,316 --> 00:08:13,188
about what other people think
than your friend.
212
00:08:13,362 --> 00:08:13,971
I think L.A. has changed you.
213
00:08:14,145 --> 00:08:16,191
So what?
214
00:08:16,365 --> 00:08:18,193
I'm trying new things.
215
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:19,455
There's nothing wrong with
being a little more --
216
00:08:19,629 --> 00:08:20,935
What? Sophisticated.
217
00:08:21,109 --> 00:08:23,590
Are you calling me a hick?
218
00:08:23,764 --> 00:08:25,809
I'm too sophisticated
to call people names,
219
00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:27,681
but I'm not the one
sweating nuggets.
220
00:08:27,855 --> 00:08:29,900
No, you're the one
paying people good money
221
00:08:30,074 --> 00:08:31,685
to wrap you like a dirt burrito.
222
00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:34,470
Oh! This place is stupid.
223
00:08:34,644 --> 00:08:37,212
I get it, Sharon.
You hate it here.
224
00:08:37,386 --> 00:08:39,519
I get it. You love it here.
225
00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:41,303
Why did you even come?
226
00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:42,870
I was wondering the same thing.
227
00:08:43,044 --> 00:08:44,959
Well, go home if you want to.
228
00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:47,178
I would, but I don't want to
do that to the kids.
229
00:08:47,352 --> 00:08:49,964
They've worked really hard
on your party,
230
00:08:50,138 --> 00:08:51,008
and Celia's already
approved my outfit.
231
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:54,621
Okay.
232
00:08:54,795 --> 00:08:56,144
Well, I can certainly fake nice
for one evening.
233
00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:57,624
One evening?
234
00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:59,713
You've been faking nice
for 65 years.
235
00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:01,323
That's it!
236
00:09:01,497 --> 00:09:02,890
I'll see you in the car!
237
00:09:03,064 --> 00:09:04,021
Oh.
238
00:09:14,249 --> 00:09:15,119
Oh, I hate L.A.!
239
00:09:25,086 --> 00:09:26,783
Hey, Cel?
240
00:09:26,957 --> 00:09:28,219
Can you help me in here?
241
00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:29,438
This present is so big.
242
00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:30,787
It's like trying
to wrap a whale.
243
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:33,224
A very expensive whale
244
00:09:33,398 --> 00:09:35,096
that'll make my mom love me
more than my sister.
245
00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:36,967
Freddie, we are four hours
from go time,
246
00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:38,229
and I know that's not
what you're wearing,
247
00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:39,883
because your clothes
are laid out on the bed.
248
00:09:40,057 --> 00:09:42,146
I'm gonna have to wear a belt,
aren't I?
249
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,323
I -- I'm sorry.
250
00:09:45,497 --> 00:09:48,239
Do you have any idea how hard
I've been working on this party?
251
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:50,807
¿Y tu te estás quejando?
252
00:09:50,981 --> 00:09:52,069
Después que yo me mato
en la cocina,
253
00:09:52,243 --> 00:09:52,461
recogiendo tu reguero
en esta casa.
254
00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:55,029
Hey, guys.
255
00:09:55,203 --> 00:09:56,291
Oh, did you want to
finish yelling at him?
256
00:09:56,465 --> 00:09:57,901
I can totally wait.
257
00:09:58,075 --> 00:09:59,381
Ni te levantas
un dedo pa ayudarme.
258
00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:01,296
Niño malcriado.
259
00:10:01,470 --> 00:10:02,558
Hey, Jackie.
260
00:10:02,732 --> 00:10:05,039
Hey.
261
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:08,564
Okay, guys, check out
what I made for Mom.
262
00:10:10,566 --> 00:10:12,394
It is a garden stone,
263
00:10:12,568 --> 00:10:14,875
like the one Freddie and I had
at the house back in Waterloo
264
00:10:15,049 --> 00:10:16,703
with impressions of our feet
when we were little.
265
00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:19,401
Holy cow.
What size are your feet?
266
00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:22,622
9 1/2 and a 10.
267
00:10:24,754 --> 00:10:27,278
Wow, that's a lot of cement.
268
00:10:27,452 --> 00:10:29,803
What's going on
with that one toe?
269
00:10:29,977 --> 00:10:31,065
Oh, I inherited Mom's
Morton Toe.
270
00:10:31,239 --> 00:10:31,631
It's our bond.
271
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,025
It's not for you.
272
00:10:38,507 --> 00:10:43,381
So anyways, now that we both
have these great gifts,
273
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:45,819
I was thinking maybe you could
put my name on the TV,
274
00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:47,516
I'll put your name
on the garden stone,
275
00:10:47,690 --> 00:10:48,909
and we can give Mom
both of them together.
276
00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:50,606
Win-win. No, no.
277
00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,129
Come on, Freddie!
278
00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:54,175
Ah, I'm sorry, sister. Nope.
279
00:10:54,349 --> 00:10:56,438
This TV is from Celia and I.
Done and done.
280
00:10:56,612 --> 00:10:59,659
You're just gonna have to stand
on your own two massive feet.
281
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:02,400
Oh, like how you stood on
your own two feet
282
00:11:02,574 --> 00:11:04,664
when you were still
breastfeeding?
283
00:11:04,838 --> 00:11:06,317
The pediatrician said
284
00:11:06,491 --> 00:11:07,667
children wean themselves
when they're ready.
285
00:11:07,841 --> 00:11:09,233
Well, let me know when you are.
286
00:11:09,407 --> 00:11:11,888
Bye, Celia.
287
00:11:17,024 --> 00:11:18,286
Why don't you just
put her name on the TV
288
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:19,983
and say it's from all of us?
289
00:11:20,157 --> 00:11:22,594
Because every gift that Jackie
has ever gotten my mom
290
00:11:22,769 --> 00:11:24,118
has been the best gift ever.
291
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:25,641
Last year, it was
a smart picture frame
292
00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:27,338
loaded with our baby pictures
293
00:11:27,512 --> 00:11:29,210
that played on a loop to
the complete Bee Gees anthology,
294
00:11:29,384 --> 00:11:30,385
and Mom still brings it up
out of nowhere.
295
00:11:32,256 --> 00:11:34,781
This year, it's my turn
to win the Birthday War.
296
00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:36,260
War? Really?
297
00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:38,088
This is a war to you? Oh, yeah.
298
00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:40,134
Everything with Jackie
is a competition.
299
00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:41,875
I just decided
to win it this year.
300
00:11:42,049 --> 00:11:45,269
♪♪♪
301
00:11:45,443 --> 00:11:46,096
I have no gift.
302
00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:47,750
Okay, no knock?
303
00:11:47,924 --> 00:11:49,056
We do not have
that kind of relationship.
304
00:11:49,230 --> 00:11:50,884
I have been all over the city.
305
00:11:51,058 --> 00:11:52,755
I-I don't know what to get her.
306
00:11:52,929 --> 00:11:55,366
Honestly, I cannot think of
anything better than the bra.
307
00:11:55,540 --> 00:11:56,890
What if I got her something
with the bra?
308
00:11:57,064 --> 00:11:59,022
Like panties.
309
00:11:59,196 --> 00:12:00,415
Did you just say "panties"
in my apartment?
310
00:12:00,589 --> 00:12:02,852
Danny, I'm trying to
write a song.
311
00:12:03,026 --> 00:12:04,767
I don't know Jean at all.
312
00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:06,377
I mean, the most detailed thing
I know about her
313
00:12:06,551 --> 00:12:08,379
is her water usage,
314
00:12:08,553 --> 00:12:09,946
which is surprisingly high,
by the way.
315
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,252
Actually,
is there something in that?
316
00:12:11,426 --> 00:12:13,776
Should I get her
a flow regulator?
317
00:12:13,950 --> 00:12:18,563
Yeah, just get her panties
and a flow regulator.
318
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,522
Usually when
I buy someone a gift,
319
00:12:20,696 --> 00:12:22,350
I know what I am to that person,
you know?
320
00:12:22,524 --> 00:12:24,613
But we're in this
in-between stage.
321
00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:26,528
We never got to do that phase at
the beginning of a relationship
322
00:12:26,702 --> 00:12:27,964
where you stay up all night
talking,
323
00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:29,923
learning about
what makes good gifts.
324
00:12:30,097 --> 00:12:32,099
Then get her something
to show her
325
00:12:32,273 --> 00:12:34,362
how excited you are to
get to know her. Mm-hmm.
326
00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:36,190
And you should be excited.
She's a dream.
327
00:12:36,364 --> 00:12:39,193
Dream, dream -- dream Jean.
328
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:42,239
♪ Dream Jean ♪
329
00:12:42,413 --> 00:12:44,285
♪ Too good for
a flow regulator ♪
330
00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:45,895
Okay, it's coming to me.
It's coming to me.
331
00:12:46,069 --> 00:12:47,941
I need to create,
and you need to get out.
332
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:51,683
♪♪♪
333
00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:53,207
Why do I smell burgers?
334
00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:54,686
Did you guys eat
before you came?
335
00:12:54,861 --> 00:12:56,601
I don't want to talk about it.
336
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:57,254
And nobody wants to
hear about it.
337
00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:01,128
Wait. Do I sense tension?
338
00:13:01,302 --> 00:13:03,347
There is no room at the table
for tension.
339
00:13:03,521 --> 00:13:05,306
Tension at a dinner party
can end a marriage,
340
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:06,350
and I'm not letting that
happen again.
341
00:13:06,524 --> 00:13:08,222
Again?
342
00:13:08,396 --> 00:13:09,049
Wait, I did not approve
that scarf.
343
00:13:09,223 --> 00:13:10,050
Take it off. Oh.
344
00:13:10,224 --> 00:13:11,921
Happy birthday!
345
00:13:12,095 --> 00:13:14,228
Oh.
346
00:13:14,402 --> 00:13:16,186
Everything looks beautiful,
Celia.
347
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:17,231
I know.
348
00:13:18,928 --> 00:13:19,494
Freddie, get that.
349
00:13:19,668 --> 00:13:21,017
Okay.
350
00:13:23,585 --> 00:13:25,848
Okay. I give up.
My garden stone was scary.
351
00:13:26,022 --> 00:13:27,241
I'm giving her a card. You win.
352
00:13:27,415 --> 00:13:29,809
Oh, it's not a contest.
353
00:13:29,983 --> 00:13:31,027
Happy birthday, Mom! Oh.
354
00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:32,159
Happy birthday, Mom.
355
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:34,509
Oh!
356
00:13:34,683 --> 00:13:35,902
I have to go
check on the chicken.
357
00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:38,078
Why doesn't somebody get
a party game started?
358
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:39,688
Ooh, I love party games.
I'll go first.
359
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:41,385
Kiss-Marry-Kill.
360
00:13:41,559 --> 00:13:43,910
I kill Jean.
361
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:45,781
You have to wait till
I give you your options fist.
362
00:13:45,955 --> 00:13:47,739
Nothing you say is going to
change my mind.
363
00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:50,655
♪♪♪
364
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:53,180
Okay, so if I'm marrying
"Clueless" Paul Rudd,
365
00:13:53,354 --> 00:13:55,051
I guess I've got to kill
"Ant-Man" Paul Rudd,
366
00:13:55,225 --> 00:13:56,270
which is not gonna be easy,
367
00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:59,055
but I'll be free to kiss
real Paul Rudd.
368
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:00,927
No! Oh, I forgot
"This is 40" Paul Rudd.
369
00:14:01,101 --> 00:14:02,711
Can I go again? No.
370
00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:03,886
We get it. You like Paul Rudd.
371
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:06,106
Yeah.
372
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,977
So, tell me about
high school Jean.
373
00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:08,935
How was she? Was she popular?
374
00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:10,893
I'll bet she was popular.
375
00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,982
No, she was a big, ol' nerd.
376
00:14:13,156 --> 00:14:14,766
But I let her hang out with me.
377
00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:16,333
But the turning point
came for her
378
00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:18,901
when I managed her 9th grade
student council campaign
379
00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:20,685
for vice president,
380
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,339
and I came up with
the winning slogan --
381
00:14:22,513 --> 00:14:25,342
"Jean Will Get the Job Done." Mm.
382
00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:27,083
And then some kid wrote "hand"
in front of "job."
383
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:30,086
Not some kid.
384
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:31,653
That was you?
385
00:14:31,827 --> 00:14:33,611
Yep. You won in a landslide.
386
00:14:33,785 --> 00:14:35,526
I made you.
387
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:36,963
The boys from the Chess Club
388
00:14:37,137 --> 00:14:38,312
followed me around
like it was a conga line.
389
00:14:40,183 --> 00:14:41,881
I kill Sharon.
390
00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:43,360
Excuse me, everybody.
391
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:45,145
Sorry for the delay.
392
00:14:45,319 --> 00:14:46,711
My Abuela told me
that God would tell her
393
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,278
when the chicken was ready,
394
00:14:48,452 --> 00:14:50,585
and God seems to be
taking her sweet time,
395
00:14:50,759 --> 00:14:53,153
so why don't we just start with
gifts while we wait?
396
00:14:53,327 --> 00:14:55,851
Okay, I'll go first.
I'll get this out of the way.
397
00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:58,462
So, now, it wasn't easy
to come up with something
398
00:14:58,636 --> 00:15:01,552
that struck a balance between
friendship and intimacy.
399
00:15:04,512 --> 00:15:06,340
Wow.
400
00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:09,082
It's a flowerpot
filled with dirt.
401
00:15:09,256 --> 00:15:11,084
I love it.
402
00:15:11,258 --> 00:15:12,737
What did you do?
403
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,609
You also have a bra coming.
404
00:15:14,783 --> 00:15:15,958
Oh, great.
405
00:15:16,132 --> 00:15:17,438
Because, boy, could I use a bra.
406
00:15:17,612 --> 00:15:19,179
Uh, no, no.
407
00:15:19,353 --> 00:15:21,094
There's actually a bulb
planted in there,
408
00:15:21,268 --> 00:15:22,573
and it's gonna bloom
in about two months,
409
00:15:22,747 --> 00:15:24,140
and I thought because were gonna
take our relationship
410
00:15:24,314 --> 00:15:26,273
to the next level
in about that same time,
411
00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:29,276
our relationship and the flower
will bloom
412
00:15:29,450 --> 00:15:30,581
at the same time. At the same time!
413
00:15:30,755 --> 00:15:32,192
Aww! It's perfect!
414
00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:34,716
Danny, you did it.
415
00:15:34,890 --> 00:15:35,673
I love it. Ohh.
416
00:15:35,847 --> 00:15:38,850
She loves it!
417
00:15:39,025 --> 00:15:40,113
Yeah, she says she loves it,
418
00:15:40,287 --> 00:15:41,941
but wait until it takes a call
419
00:15:42,115 --> 00:15:44,160
about a constipated cat
in the Quiet Room.
420
00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:45,857
I thought I killed you.
421
00:15:46,032 --> 00:15:48,251
Okay. Here's a little nibble.
422
00:15:48,425 --> 00:15:50,036
Just to tide you over. Okay.
423
00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:54,344
Okay, who's next?
How about Jackie goes?
424
00:15:54,518 --> 00:15:56,477
Okay.
425
00:15:56,651 --> 00:15:58,914
Mom, um,
I didn't get you a gift,
426
00:15:59,088 --> 00:16:01,090
but I wrote you a card.
427
00:16:01,264 --> 00:16:03,484
This is gonna be so bad.
428
00:16:03,658 --> 00:16:07,575
"Mom, as you know,
it's been a tough year for me,
429
00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:09,620
so I didn't have a lot to spend
on your birthday gift.
430
00:16:09,794 --> 00:16:11,405
Two relationships have ended,
431
00:16:11,579 --> 00:16:13,494
I quit my job,
so I have no money."
432
00:16:13,668 --> 00:16:14,712
At least she's not singing it.
433
00:16:14,886 --> 00:16:18,064
Okay, it's a small room.
I can hear you.
434
00:16:18,238 --> 00:16:19,935
"You moved halfway across
the country to make sure
435
00:16:20,109 --> 00:16:22,982
Freddie and I were safe
and healthy and happy,
436
00:16:23,156 --> 00:16:25,419
and at first, I wasn't sure
how I felt about that.
437
00:16:25,593 --> 00:16:28,248
But in this time when I could
have felt really alone,
438
00:16:28,422 --> 00:16:31,425
I haven't,
because you've been with me.
439
00:16:31,599 --> 00:16:32,774
I may not be able
to get you a gift,
440
00:16:32,948 --> 00:16:35,124
but our time together
has been a gift to me.
441
00:16:35,298 --> 00:16:36,647
Please don't ever leave.
442
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:38,301
Happy birthday. I love you."
443
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:42,001
That worked?
I got to get my gift!
444
00:16:42,175 --> 00:16:44,133
It's just beautiful, sweetie.
445
00:16:44,307 --> 00:16:45,569
The perfect gift.
446
00:16:48,833 --> 00:16:51,401
Jean: Are you crying?
447
00:16:51,575 --> 00:16:54,361
Excuse me.
448
00:16:54,535 --> 00:16:56,058
Hey, Mom.
449
00:16:56,232 --> 00:16:58,147
Look. I got you a 75-inch TV.
450
00:16:58,321 --> 00:16:59,453
It's got 8 million pixels.
451
00:16:59,627 --> 00:17:01,237
Oh, a TV. Thanks, honey.
452
00:17:01,411 --> 00:17:02,804
Yeah. I'll be right back.
453
00:17:02,978 --> 00:17:04,414
Mom, no!
It's got 8 million pixels!
454
00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:06,590
Mom!
455
00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:11,160
Any chance that card
came from both of us?
456
00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:14,033
Oh, no.
457
00:17:15,773 --> 00:17:18,254
Are you okay?
458
00:17:18,428 --> 00:17:20,691
I'm fine.
Get back to your party.
459
00:17:20,865 --> 00:17:22,476
Oh, come on. You never cry.
460
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:24,521
Like, never.
461
00:17:24,695 --> 00:17:26,828
I mean, it's weird to go
to funerals with you.
462
00:17:27,002 --> 00:17:28,047
What's happening?
463
00:17:28,221 --> 00:17:31,093
Nothing's happening. I'm fine.
464
00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:33,617
You haven't been fine
since you got here.
465
00:17:33,791 --> 00:17:35,619
It's like you've been trying
to ruin things.
466
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:38,187
Why?
467
00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:40,189
Because I'm mad at you.
468
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:41,538
Why are you mad at me?
469
00:17:44,019 --> 00:17:47,109
Because you're never
coming back.
470
00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:48,763
I've been holding out hope
471
00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:51,200
that your kids were going to
get sick of you,
472
00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:55,074
because you can be a lot.
473
00:17:55,248 --> 00:18:00,296
But when Jackie read
that stupid, beautiful card,
474
00:18:00,470 --> 00:18:01,471
I realized I've really lost you.
475
00:18:01,645 --> 00:18:03,038
Oh.
476
00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:04,561
Don't be dumb, Sharon.
477
00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:07,260
You haven't lost me.
478
00:18:07,434 --> 00:18:11,481
Jean, your kids want you here
all the time.
479
00:18:11,655 --> 00:18:13,657
Forever.
480
00:18:13,831 --> 00:18:17,313
You're building a life here.
481
00:18:17,487 --> 00:18:20,360
You got a pre-boyfriend
and a pre-daughter-in-law.
482
00:18:20,534 --> 00:18:22,884
And we have 40 years
of Humpty dances
483
00:18:23,058 --> 00:18:25,756
and double dates
and can't-get-dates
484
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:28,411
and you pretending to be my wife
485
00:18:28,585 --> 00:18:30,370
so you could be in the delivery
room when I had Jackie.
486
00:18:32,502 --> 00:18:34,025
But what if we drift apart?
487
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,724
That can't happen.
488
00:18:36,898 --> 00:18:39,727
You were by my side
when I met, married,
489
00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:42,121
then buried my husband.
490
00:18:42,295 --> 00:18:43,731
It was a hell of a night.
491
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:48,214
I'm sorry, I had to.
492
00:18:48,388 --> 00:18:50,825
Otherwise I was gonna
start crying again.
493
00:18:50,999 --> 00:18:52,914
You're my best friend.
494
00:18:53,088 --> 00:18:54,524
I'm nothing without you.
495
00:18:54,698 --> 00:18:57,223
You made me.
496
00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:59,225
I did.
497
00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:03,925
Mother Raines? Yeah.
498
00:19:04,099 --> 00:19:04,839
Are you ready for
my birthday present?
499
00:19:05,013 --> 00:19:05,970
Mm.
500
00:19:09,757 --> 00:19:10,845
I'm glad you're here.
501
00:19:11,019 --> 00:19:12,847
Me too.
502
00:19:13,021 --> 00:19:15,284
♪♪♪
503
00:19:15,458 --> 00:19:17,373
Mother Raines,
for your birthday,
504
00:19:17,547 --> 00:19:19,158
I wanted to do
something special.
505
00:19:19,332 --> 00:19:22,465
I wrote you a song to try to
capture how much you mean to me.
506
00:19:22,639 --> 00:19:25,773
It's a song about family,
love, friendship,
507
00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:26,904
peace on Earth for a little bit,
508
00:19:27,078 --> 00:19:29,211
but then I took that part out.
509
00:19:29,385 --> 00:19:31,170
It's off my new album,
"Life in the Lane Lane."
510
00:19:34,129 --> 00:19:39,003
♪ You know what they say
about love in groups ♪
511
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:44,444
♪ It's the family you have
and the one you choose ♪
512
00:19:44,618 --> 00:19:48,839
♪ Got a daughter and a son,
but I'm yours, too ♪
513
00:19:49,013 --> 00:19:52,713
♪ Oh, so many people
behind you ♪
514
00:19:52,887 --> 00:19:55,803
♪ That you've been
giving your time to ♪
515
00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:58,545
♪ Let me do something for you ♪
516
00:19:58,719 --> 00:20:00,808
♪ For once ♪
517
00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:04,115
♪ Let me do something for you ♪
518
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:06,030
♪ Yeah ♪
519
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:09,773
♪ Not just words,
there's so much you deserve ♪
520
00:20:09,947 --> 00:20:11,949
♪ Just sit there ♪
521
00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:14,430
♪ Let me do something for you ♪
522
00:20:14,604 --> 00:20:16,867
♪ It's your day ♪
523
00:20:17,955 --> 00:20:21,307
Yes!
524
00:20:21,481 --> 00:20:25,093
That's the best birthday present
I've ever gotten.
525
00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:26,268
I know.
526
00:20:28,792 --> 00:20:31,273
The bastard smoked us.
527
00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:33,710
At least I didn't spend
any money.
528
00:20:33,884 --> 00:20:36,452
The side dishes are served.
529
00:20:36,626 --> 00:20:39,368
♪♪♪
530
00:20:43,981 --> 00:20:46,332
Customer service.
531
00:20:46,506 --> 00:20:48,638
Customer service.
532
00:20:48,812 --> 00:20:50,684
Representative.
533
00:20:50,858 --> 00:20:52,686
Representative!
534
00:20:52,860 --> 00:20:55,079
Help! Help!
535
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,516
What are you doing?
536
00:20:56,690 --> 00:20:58,996
Changing my flight.
537
00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:00,694
You're not the only one
with a birthday, you know.
538
00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:02,696
I thought I'd stick around
till mine.
539
00:21:02,870 --> 00:21:05,525
Let you take me to
"The Price is Right."
540
00:21:05,699 --> 00:21:06,656
But your birthday's
not for a month.
541
00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:09,180
Oh, okay,
if you don't want me...
542
00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:11,531
Really? A whole month?
543
00:21:11,705 --> 00:21:12,532
I want you!
544
00:21:12,706 --> 00:21:15,274
Ohh!
545
00:21:15,448 --> 00:21:17,363
Okay, only one month,
546
00:21:17,537 --> 00:21:19,452
then I got to get back
to Tuna Fey.
547
00:21:19,626 --> 00:21:21,280
But I think my birthday month
starts now.
548
00:21:23,369 --> 00:21:24,848
♪ My name is Humpty ♪
549
00:21:25,022 --> 00:21:27,024
♪ Pronounced with a "umpty" ♪
550
00:21:27,198 --> 00:21:28,287
♪ Yo, ladies, oh, how I like
to funk thee... ♪
39163
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