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1
00:00:19,802 --> 00:00:21,891
T-minus awesome, Richard.
2
00:00:21,891 --> 00:00:23,284
Almost ready
to cut the ribbon.
3
00:00:23,284 --> 00:00:25,938
Here's a little
opening night present.
4
00:00:25,938 --> 00:00:27,505
This is a
demolition order!
5
00:00:27,505 --> 00:00:29,681
You're not gonna tear down
my place for some fuckin' mouse!
6
00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:31,596
I think it's a bird.
7
00:00:31,596 --> 00:00:35,078
The endangered titmouse
is protected by federal law...
8
00:00:35,078 --> 00:00:37,994
and I...
I killed it.
9
00:00:37,994 --> 00:00:40,475
Resent me?
Why would you resent me?
10
00:00:44,261 --> 00:00:45,523
Me and my buddies
11
00:00:45,523 --> 00:00:47,830
are the species that
need to be protected!
12
00:00:47,830 --> 00:00:50,050
And that's why I'm running
for city council!
13
00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:53,183
No you don't,
Richard Fitzpatrick!
14
00:00:53,183 --> 00:00:55,098
That is my seat in council!
15
00:00:55,098 --> 00:00:58,058
- Mine!
- Chester, no, calm down!
16
00:01:01,974 --> 00:01:05,413
Not the bar!
Not the bar!
17
00:01:05,413 --> 00:01:08,546
Fuck!
18
00:01:12,942 --> 00:01:14,770
This sap has spent
his whole life
19
00:01:14,770 --> 00:01:16,902
doing what he's told.
20
00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:19,427
And what has he
got to show for it?
21
00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:20,863
A ponytail.
22
00:01:20,863 --> 00:01:23,257
A polyester blend shirt.
23
00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:24,606
And Dockers.
24
00:01:24,606 --> 00:01:27,087
Dockers!
25
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,871
Someone's got to
teach this chump
26
00:01:28,871 --> 00:01:31,134
that life is for living.
27
00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:33,354
That fortune favours
the bold.
28
00:01:33,354 --> 00:01:36,139
And that rules are
made to be broken.
29
00:01:36,139 --> 00:01:39,621
I've done my research.
This is the car for me.
30
00:01:39,621 --> 00:01:41,492
It sure is.
31
00:01:41,492 --> 00:01:44,669
A nice, mild, dependable car
32
00:01:44,669 --> 00:01:48,934
that assures everyone
that you are not a threat.
33
00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:51,676
Not like that monster.
34
00:01:51,676 --> 00:01:54,375
That car
needs a real man.
35
00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:57,291
Someone willing
to slide inside her
36
00:01:57,291 --> 00:01:59,293
and take control.
37
00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:02,818
A man who knows when
to ride her hard,
38
00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,863
and when to be gentle.
39
00:02:06,082 --> 00:02:08,084
So let me ask you...
40
00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:09,564
...are you that man?
41
00:02:17,528 --> 00:02:18,573
Nice work.
42
00:02:18,573 --> 00:02:20,357
What about my tip?
43
00:02:20,357 --> 00:02:21,880
Oh, don't worry, baby.
44
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,404
Fitzy would never
leave you hanging...
45
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,103
Hey!
46
00:02:27,103 --> 00:02:28,974
You may have a thirty
percent stake here
47
00:02:28,974 --> 00:02:30,672
but we're still
your bosses.
48
00:02:30,672 --> 00:02:32,891
So I only have to listen to you
thirty percent of the time.
49
00:02:32,891 --> 00:02:34,719
You have to listen to us
seventy percent of the time.
50
00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:36,591
- All of the time.
- All of the time!
51
00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:38,723
Which means you
play by our rules.
52
00:02:38,723 --> 00:02:41,465
High card fucks
the camel first?
53
00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:43,815
The used car lot
code of ethics.
54
00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:45,382
Rule number one...
55
00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:46,688
Here's your cut
of the commission.
56
00:02:46,688 --> 00:02:49,169
Perhaps rules is too harsh.
57
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,214
Consider these guidelines. Suggestions.
58
00:02:51,214 --> 00:02:52,346
- Cousin.
- Cousin.
59
00:02:52,346 --> 00:02:54,304
Hey, wonder twins.
Take it outside.
60
00:02:54,304 --> 00:02:56,524
- Cousin! Cousin!
- Cousin! Cousin!
61
00:02:56,524 --> 00:02:58,265
Break all the rules.
62
00:02:58,265 --> 00:03:00,223
That's the only
rule that matters.
63
00:03:00,223 --> 00:03:03,357
And I follow it religiously.
64
00:03:03,357 --> 00:03:04,314
COUSIN!
65
00:03:50,752 --> 00:03:51,796
All right, shitbirds.
66
00:03:51,796 --> 00:03:52,971
We've got a long day
ahead of us
67
00:03:52,971 --> 00:03:54,321
and a lot of ground to cover.
68
00:03:54,321 --> 00:03:56,323
"Operation Elect Fitz"
is twenty-four hours old,
69
00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:57,846
and I'm not even
on the ballot.
70
00:03:57,846 --> 00:03:59,630
You need to tell Larry that
I'm your campaign manager.
71
00:03:59,630 --> 00:04:00,849
I think we can all agree
72
00:04:00,849 --> 00:04:02,894
that I'm the most
qualified for the job.
73
00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:04,287
On what grounds?
74
00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:05,767
I brought snacks.
75
00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:07,377
Snacks?
That's your contribution?
76
00:04:07,377 --> 00:04:09,118
Fitz would never pick you.
77
00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:11,642
To win, he needs
someone ruthless.
78
00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:13,514
Cutthroat.
79
00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:15,994
Someone who isn't afraid
to break a few rules -
80
00:04:15,994 --> 00:04:17,953
or spines -
81
00:04:17,953 --> 00:04:20,172
To get the job done.
82
00:04:20,172 --> 00:04:22,305
If I am chosen to be
the campaign manager,
83
00:04:22,305 --> 00:04:25,787
I promise to do my best,
to do my duty...
84
00:04:25,787 --> 00:04:27,702
to God and My Country...
85
00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:28,920
Hey, Fitz...
86
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,357
Wanna get high?
87
00:04:30,357 --> 00:04:33,142
Josh McTaggart takes the lead.
88
00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:39,191
Anytime, Josh.
Thank you.
89
00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:54,685
Nice cover.
90
00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:56,513
Nope.
Sinatra.
91
00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:58,036
Original 45s.
92
00:04:58,036 --> 00:05:00,735
No, cover for the
high stakes game.
93
00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:02,258
Vinnie here?
94
00:05:02,258 --> 00:05:04,782
No Vinnie here.
And no poker, either.
95
00:05:04,782 --> 00:05:06,306
I'm not vice, Fuckjuggler.
96
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,960
Tell Vinnie Ken
Fitzpatrick's here
97
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,571
and he wants a real game.
98
00:05:10,571 --> 00:05:13,138
With real men.
99
00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:15,489
Can't believe all
the gay shit going on.
100
00:05:15,489 --> 00:05:16,925
Tore out the track.
101
00:05:16,925 --> 00:05:19,362
They turned the bar
into a yoga studio.
102
00:05:19,362 --> 00:05:22,060
It's faggot fucking Friday
every goddamn day.
103
00:05:25,150 --> 00:05:28,023
Mr. DiNovi died a year ago
104
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:30,591
and I got this
dump on the cheap.
105
00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:32,941
I sanded the wooden floors
106
00:05:32,941 --> 00:05:35,117
and redid the bad
seventies stucco
107
00:05:35,117 --> 00:05:37,032
with these two Homo hands.
108
00:05:38,512 --> 00:05:43,255
And that Wurlitzer
is original from Vegas.
109
00:05:43,255 --> 00:05:45,997
My asshole son would
blow a load for this.
110
00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:47,695
Explains your homophobia.
111
00:05:47,695 --> 00:05:48,913
Your son is
probably gay.
112
00:05:48,913 --> 00:05:50,915
No one calls my
son gay except me.
113
00:05:50,915 --> 00:05:52,395
You not buying, get out.
114
00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:54,658
- You're asking me to leave?
- I'm telling you to.
115
00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:56,660
This is my turf,
you colon cowboy.
116
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:58,488
You know how much it
cost me to get here?
117
00:05:58,488 --> 00:05:59,794
And now how am I
supposed to survive?
118
00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:01,839
No track, no bookie...
119
00:06:01,839 --> 00:06:03,754
It's about time this
dumpy strip of beach
120
00:06:03,754 --> 00:06:05,495
was brought up to code.
121
00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:06,931
Gay code.
122
00:06:06,931 --> 00:06:09,543
Real men don't want fucking
nail bars and antiques!
123
00:06:09,543 --> 00:06:11,066
Real men?
124
00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:13,808
You think Frank and Dean
never got lonely on the road?
125
00:06:13,808 --> 00:06:14,852
Shut your fucking mouth...
126
00:06:14,852 --> 00:06:16,376
And don't get me started
127
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,552
about the pants parties
JFK used to throw.
128
00:06:18,552 --> 00:06:20,728
You lying sack of ass.
129
00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:25,036
Ugh!
130
00:06:33,044 --> 00:06:34,829
I'm alive!
131
00:06:34,829 --> 00:06:37,919
Ken Fitzpatrick is alive!
132
00:06:37,919 --> 00:06:39,790
Stupid Fitzpatrick!
133
00:06:39,790 --> 00:06:41,270
Kills my titmouse!
134
00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:42,706
Crashes my convention!
135
00:06:42,706 --> 00:06:46,275
Thinks. He. Can.
Run. For. Office!
136
00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:53,108
Chester, honey,
what's wrong?
137
00:06:54,544 --> 00:06:56,198
Nothing's wrong, Ali.
138
00:06:56,198 --> 00:06:58,200
What gives you that idea?
139
00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,157
Uh...
140
00:07:04,902 --> 00:07:06,948
You can't really
be mad at Fitz.
141
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,863
His bar closed
because of you.
142
00:07:08,863 --> 00:07:11,343
For the good of the
speckled titmouse, Ali.
143
00:07:11,343 --> 00:07:13,302
An innocent victim
of human encroachment
144
00:07:13,302 --> 00:07:15,826
that needs our protection
from selfish predators
145
00:07:15,826 --> 00:07:17,872
like Richard Fitzpatrick.
146
00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:18,960
Chester,
I told you...
147
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,265
what happened between
me and Fitz
148
00:07:20,265 --> 00:07:22,267
was pre-wedding jitters.
149
00:07:22,267 --> 00:07:24,269
He just happened
to be in the car.
150
00:07:24,269 --> 00:07:26,576
We didn't do anything,
I swear to -
151
00:07:26,576 --> 00:07:29,274
I swear to God.
152
00:07:29,274 --> 00:07:32,321
He's so sleazy,
but everyone loves him.
153
00:07:32,321 --> 00:07:36,064
You have nothing
to worry about.
154
00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:37,457
Though I do admit...
155
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:40,068
it would make life easier
if he didn't exist.
156
00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:48,380
Richard...
this is an historic moment.
157
00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:49,556
And it should be documented.
158
00:07:49,556 --> 00:07:51,122
Document this.
159
00:07:51,122 --> 00:07:52,602
Actually, don't.
160
00:07:52,602 --> 00:07:54,343
Last thing I need
161
00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:55,910
is you taking photos of me
bribing the election officials.
162
00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:57,433
Richard, no.
163
00:07:57,433 --> 00:08:00,131
Unlike one Dot Foxley
who shall remain nameless,
164
00:08:00,131 --> 00:08:02,482
you can play by the rules
and still get the job done.
165
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,832
You don't have to cut corners
to be a person of action.
166
00:08:04,832 --> 00:08:06,486
What the hell's gotten
into you, lady-parts?
167
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,400
You're even more
irritating than usual.
168
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,185
You said you wanted
to run for office.
169
00:08:10,185 --> 00:08:12,448
That is not a statement
to make lightly.
170
00:08:12,448 --> 00:08:14,058
You're asking
people to sacrifice
171
00:08:14,058 --> 00:08:16,757
their time, their money,
their values for your cause!
172
00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:19,194
- So?
- Just promise me you'll
do this by the book.
173
00:08:21,370 --> 00:08:23,154
I promise, Larry.
174
00:08:23,154 --> 00:08:24,765
No money will trade hands.
175
00:08:33,556 --> 00:08:36,994
Now I'll add your name
to the nomination list,
176
00:08:36,994 --> 00:08:39,519
and we're... we're...
we're...
177
00:08:47,439 --> 00:08:49,006
That's strange.
178
00:08:49,006 --> 00:08:50,355
You're not in the computer.
179
00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:53,837
According to this,
you don't even exist.
180
00:08:57,885 --> 00:09:00,191
Okay, I talked to
the election committee,
181
00:09:00,191 --> 00:09:02,150
and even though you've
been erroneously deleted
182
00:09:02,150 --> 00:09:03,543
from the city's
computer system,
183
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,501
they are willing to
put you on the ballot.
184
00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:07,111
What's the catch?
185
00:09:07,111 --> 00:09:09,984
It's not that bad... actually.
186
00:09:09,984 --> 00:09:12,508
Twenty people need to sign
this nomination support form.
187
00:09:12,508 --> 00:09:14,815
But I already signed,
so you only need nineteen more.
188
00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:16,468
Fuck.
189
00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:18,470
Oh, and they need your
driver's license.
190
00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:21,169
And passport...
and birth certificate.
191
00:09:21,169 --> 00:09:22,910
Original long form...
192
00:09:22,910 --> 00:09:24,781
...by 5pm on Friday.
193
00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:26,435
FUCK!
194
00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:33,094
But...
195
00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:41,450
How many times do I have to
tell you tenacious cum bubbles,
196
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:43,931
I don't want to save on
my long distance plan!
197
00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:45,149
Nice.
198
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:46,760
You kiss your mother
with that mouth?
199
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,631
Who the fuck is this?
200
00:09:48,631 --> 00:09:50,024
Listen, jelly bean.
201
00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:51,634
You stole that Wurlitzer
from my shop.
202
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:53,027
I want it back.
203
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,506
Don't know what
you're talking about.
204
00:09:54,506 --> 00:09:56,204
You've got twenty-four hours.
205
00:09:56,204 --> 00:09:58,249
After that,
I'll take it by force.
206
00:09:58,249 --> 00:09:59,424
Bullshit.
207
00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:01,165
If you guys
had any real claim
208
00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:02,993
to some jukebox
you think I have,
209
00:10:02,993 --> 00:10:04,212
you'd have already
called the cops.
210
00:10:04,212 --> 00:10:05,735
Who needs the cops.
211
00:10:05,735 --> 00:10:07,432
I've got the gay mafia.
212
00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:10,871
That's a myth.
Like Santa Claus or dolphins.
213
00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:12,655
Open your eyes.
We're everywhere.
214
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:13,961
And there's
nothing we won't do
215
00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:15,223
for a sixer of coolers
216
00:10:15,223 --> 00:10:17,617
and some amyl nitrate.
217
00:10:28,453 --> 00:10:30,107
Holy shit.
218
00:10:30,107 --> 00:10:32,327
You've got no idea, sunshine.
219
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:34,895
We make up ten percent
of the planet's population.
220
00:10:34,895 --> 00:10:37,593
That's six-hundred
million of us.
221
00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:38,855
I knew that!
222
00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:40,204
No, you didn't.
223
00:10:41,466 --> 00:10:42,554
Fuck.
224
00:10:45,557 --> 00:10:47,211
You seen my
birth certificate?
225
00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:49,474
You have got to be
fucking kidding.
226
00:10:49,474 --> 00:10:51,955
Six months I've been stuck
in this mental hospital
227
00:10:51,955 --> 00:10:53,914
with no contact from
the outside world.
228
00:10:53,914 --> 00:10:55,089
What the fuck are
you bitching about?
229
00:10:55,089 --> 00:10:56,699
You got three hots and a cot.
230
00:10:56,699 --> 00:10:58,440
It's so depressing here.
231
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,398
There's no cable.
232
00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:02,139
No dice for the board-games.
233
00:11:02,139 --> 00:11:05,708
And all everyone does is whine
about their lousy childhoods.
234
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:07,492
Molested.
Molested.
235
00:11:07,492 --> 00:11:09,538
Molester...
236
00:11:09,538 --> 00:11:10,974
Hey.
237
00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:12,628
Do you know where it is
or don't you?
238
00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:14,630
You're so selfish.
239
00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:15,849
What do I get?
240
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:18,634
Ooh!
241
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:19,722
I've got gum.
242
00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:21,419
Ooh!
Give it to me.
243
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:25,119
Mmm.
Yummy.
244
00:11:29,558 --> 00:11:33,257
After SOMEONE burned
my house down,
245
00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:35,564
I gave my important
papers to Daddy.
246
00:11:35,564 --> 00:11:37,784
Fuck.
You know where he kept them?
247
00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:41,048
My gosh.
This gum is so delicious.
248
00:11:41,048 --> 00:11:43,137
I'd sure love to
have some for late-
249
00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:47,707
He kept all his important
stuff in his safe.
250
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:48,969
And he's got that in Miami.
251
00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:50,144
Hooo!
252
00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:53,190
Fuck!
253
00:11:53,190 --> 00:11:55,279
Oh yeah!
I got some gum.
254
00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:10,512
I just don't feel right
255
00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:12,296
arriving without a
housewarming gift.
256
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:13,994
It's the first rule
of proper etiquette.
257
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:16,083
Listen, fabric softener -
this is a surgical strike.
258
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:17,693
We get in,
get my birth certificate,
259
00:12:17,693 --> 00:12:19,173
and get back home.
260
00:12:19,173 --> 00:12:20,652
It's getting down
to the wire.
261
00:12:20,652 --> 00:12:22,437
It wouldn't be if we hadn't
driven around all night
262
00:12:22,437 --> 00:12:23,873
looking for Carlita's.
263
00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,266
I can't believe she moved
264
00:12:25,266 --> 00:12:27,616
and didn't send a
forwarding address.
265
00:12:27,616 --> 00:12:28,791
Open up, ass-leak.
266
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:31,054
Just a minute, please!
267
00:12:31,054 --> 00:12:32,055
Ken sure sounds happy.
268
00:12:34,797 --> 00:12:36,538
Hold your fire!
It's your son!
269
00:12:38,061 --> 00:12:39,280
And Larry!
270
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,154
What do you mean
Carlita's is gone?
271
00:12:44,154 --> 00:12:45,982
Fucking gay mafia
paved paradise
272
00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:47,636
and put up a parking lot.
273
00:12:47,636 --> 00:12:49,333
It's actually
a Bed, Bath and Beyond.
274
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:50,987
They've ruined the whole
fucking neighbourhood.
275
00:12:50,987 --> 00:12:52,423
The gay mafia?
276
00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:54,599
Christ, they move in the
shadows, like ninjas...
277
00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:55,949
who love cock.
278
00:12:55,949 --> 00:12:57,951
Why would the gay mafia
give a shit about you?
279
00:12:57,951 --> 00:12:59,953
I'm a fresh piece of meat.
280
00:12:59,953 --> 00:13:01,824
What the fuck are you
doing here, anyway?
281
00:13:01,824 --> 00:13:03,957
I need my birth certificate.
And not the fake one.
282
00:13:03,957 --> 00:13:05,828
Figures you'd need something.
283
00:13:05,828 --> 00:13:08,439
Well, this time,
no more freebies.
284
00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:12,052
I'm tired of being
Mr. Nice Guy.
285
00:13:12,052 --> 00:13:13,967
I want out of Miami
with my Wurlitzer.
286
00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:15,620
No fucking way.
287
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:18,362
It's a gift
for your shithole lounge.
288
00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:19,668
Aw, really?
289
00:13:19,668 --> 00:13:21,409
Of course not, Polly-anal.
290
00:13:23,106 --> 00:13:24,760
What's so important
about this piece of shit?
291
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,371
Did you get even more retarded
in the last three minutes?
292
00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:28,895
I told you.
293
00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:32,202
Those intestine inspectors
took away my ability to earn,
294
00:13:32,202 --> 00:13:35,205
so I'm taking this
Wurlitzer from them.
295
00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:39,340
It's my new nest egg
worth forty large.
296
00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:41,777
And it comes with me.
Or you get shit.
297
00:13:43,997 --> 00:13:45,781
Fuck. Fine.
298
00:13:45,781 --> 00:13:47,696
But we're taking your wheels.
299
00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:49,045
And the blow.
300
00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:50,655
You can't travel
with the cocaines.
301
00:13:50,655 --> 00:13:52,222
What if we get caught?
302
00:14:06,149 --> 00:14:08,195
- Fuckin' hurry up, Larry.
- Got it.
303
00:14:15,245 --> 00:14:16,899
Wait!
I forgot something.
304
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:18,553
- The fruit!
- WHERE?
305
00:14:20,555 --> 00:14:22,513
It's okay!
I found it.
306
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:43,491
The fuck is this?
307
00:14:43,491 --> 00:14:45,710
It's not a border crossing.
It's not even on the map.
308
00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:56,069
How you
doin' this afternoon, officer?
309
00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:00,769
Pineapple, huh?
310
00:15:00,769 --> 00:15:02,510
I love pineapple.
311
00:15:02,510 --> 00:15:04,207
It's nature's pharmacy.
312
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:05,861
Full of nutrients,
cures irregularity,
313
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:07,471
keeps the old kidneys clean.
314
00:15:07,471 --> 00:15:10,866
Even prevents the
formation of plaque.
315
00:15:10,866 --> 00:15:13,869
Well, if good
nutrition is illegal,
316
00:15:13,869 --> 00:15:15,566
then I guess
I'm guilty as charged.
317
00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:18,091
You're also guilty of
transporting quarantined fruit
318
00:15:18,091 --> 00:15:19,788
out of a restricted zone.
319
00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:20,832
Huh?
320
00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:22,834
Out of the fucking car!
321
00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:27,013
Please don't find the gun...
322
00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:28,014
Please don't find the drugs...
323
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:29,145
Please don't find the gun...
324
00:15:29,145 --> 00:15:31,321
Please don't find the drugs...
325
00:15:31,321 --> 00:15:33,671
Richard, this is your first
test as a public official.
326
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:35,847
So whatever your instinct
is telling you to do -
327
00:15:35,847 --> 00:15:37,762
do the exact opposite.
328
00:15:37,762 --> 00:15:39,503
Just be honest, answer all
her questions truthfully,
329
00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:40,852
and we will get
out of this mess...
330
00:15:40,852 --> 00:15:42,332
Or you'll get killed
in the crossfire.
331
00:15:42,332 --> 00:15:44,030
- What?
- Please kill him
in the crossfire.
332
00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:45,466
Please let Richard
get killed...
333
00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:47,120
Well well well...
334
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,470
I hope someone can explain...
335
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:51,211
...this.
336
00:15:53,169 --> 00:15:55,215
Why does the FBI give
a shit about fruit?
337
00:15:55,215 --> 00:15:57,347
That's all the
FBI cares about.
338
00:15:57,347 --> 00:16:00,611
Federal Botany Investigator.
339
00:16:00,611 --> 00:16:02,004
What did you think
it stood for?
340
00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:04,485
That other Government agency?
341
00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:05,834
Yes.
342
00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:07,749
You're a fruit cop?
343
00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:10,056
Figures those bitches would
have their own police force.
344
00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:12,536
I'm an agricultural agent.
345
00:16:12,536 --> 00:16:15,017
And you've broken several
federal vegetation laws
346
00:16:15,017 --> 00:16:16,888
with this one bag
of fruit alone.
347
00:16:16,888 --> 00:16:18,673
You could each be
looking at 50...
348
00:16:18,673 --> 00:16:20,936
maybe 75...
349
00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:24,331
...dollar fines.
350
00:16:24,331 --> 00:16:25,375
Fork it over -
351
00:16:25,375 --> 00:16:26,594
before she calls
the real cops!
352
00:16:26,594 --> 00:16:27,899
What?
353
00:16:27,899 --> 00:16:30,554
This badge doesn't
make me a real cop?
354
00:16:31,947 --> 00:16:33,775
What about this gun?
355
00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:35,733
You think it's fake?
Do you?
356
00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:37,431
No one doubts your
credentials, ma'am.
357
00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:38,867
But Jimmy Buffet here
358
00:16:38,867 --> 00:16:40,782
is worried about
the "real cops."
359
00:16:40,782 --> 00:16:43,089
Agricultural crime
is serious business.
360
00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:45,265
And I'm the last
line of defence.
361
00:16:45,265 --> 00:16:47,484
Four years, three months,
two days, six hours
362
00:16:47,484 --> 00:16:49,573
I've manned this
station alone.
363
00:16:49,573 --> 00:16:51,445
Protecting temperate
farming regions
364
00:16:51,445 --> 00:16:55,405
from invasive subtropical
species, smuggling and fraud.
365
00:16:55,405 --> 00:16:57,364
Fruit fraud.
366
00:16:57,364 --> 00:16:59,409
You think that's funny.
367
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:02,325
Want to hear
something else funny?
368
00:17:06,503 --> 00:17:08,070
I think the stress of her job
369
00:17:08,070 --> 00:17:09,985
is making Agent
Nelson a little...
370
00:17:09,985 --> 00:17:11,421
sensitive.
371
00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:13,945
Our best bet is
to remain calm.
372
00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:16,818
Everyone
just stay calm.
373
00:17:16,818 --> 00:17:18,428
Do you know who I am?
374
00:17:18,428 --> 00:17:20,691
I'm Ken Fucking Fitzpatrick!
375
00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:22,389
And I want out!
I want out!
376
00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:23,999
Well, boys -
377
00:17:23,999 --> 00:17:25,566
looks like your day
just went from bad
378
00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:27,133
to shit-storm.
379
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:29,265
Your credit card isn't valid,
380
00:17:29,265 --> 00:17:30,527
which isn't surprising,
381
00:17:30,527 --> 00:17:32,442
since according
to my computer,
382
00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:34,488
you don't even exist.
383
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:35,837
Fuck...
384
00:17:35,837 --> 00:17:37,926
Oh, I can explain that.
385
00:17:37,926 --> 00:17:40,494
How about I explain it to you?
386
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:44,063
Mr. X here heads up a
fruit smuggling syndicate
387
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:48,110
that I've been trying to prove
exists for about a decade.
388
00:17:48,110 --> 00:17:49,503
No, actually.
389
00:17:49,503 --> 00:17:51,113
His name is Mr. Fitzpatrick
390
00:17:51,113 --> 00:17:53,637
and we can prove his identity
with his birth certificate.
391
00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:57,032
And a birth certificate
couldn't possibly be forged.
392
00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:58,903
You smuggle fruit.
393
00:17:58,903 --> 00:18:00,601
There's nothing
you wouldn't do.
394
00:18:00,601 --> 00:18:02,603
I'll get the truth out of you.
395
00:18:02,603 --> 00:18:04,518
Out of all of you.
396
00:18:07,347 --> 00:18:11,568
Eenie meenie miney...
397
00:18:11,568 --> 00:18:13,222
Moe!
398
00:18:13,222 --> 00:18:15,137
Nominations close
at five o'clock-
399
00:18:15,137 --> 00:18:20,838
And it looks like Daddy
will be running unopposed.
400
00:18:20,838 --> 00:18:23,145
See, I told you.
401
00:18:23,145 --> 00:18:25,147
Hmm?
Didn't I tell you?
402
00:18:25,147 --> 00:18:28,019
A little insurance
never hurts.
403
00:18:28,019 --> 00:18:29,630
Chester...
404
00:18:29,630 --> 00:18:31,806
I merely suggested to some
people I know at City Hall
405
00:18:31,806 --> 00:18:33,895
that if Fitz was
somehow accidentally
406
00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:34,983
deleted from the system...
407
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:36,680
maybe they'd get
a little raise.
408
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,856
You bribed a city official
409
00:18:38,856 --> 00:18:40,858
to help you steal
the election?
410
00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:44,035
That's so underhanded...
411
00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:45,689
so sleazy...
412
00:18:45,689 --> 00:18:48,736
so Fitz...
413
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,392
Ali, we agreed...
414
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:55,090
I don't want the baby
to see my weewee.
415
00:19:09,757 --> 00:19:11,628
Your computer is wrong.
416
00:19:11,628 --> 00:19:14,414
His name is Richard Fitzpatrick...
417
00:19:14,414 --> 00:19:16,894
it's a funny story, actually.
418
00:19:16,894 --> 00:19:18,331
Richard is running
for public office
419
00:19:18,331 --> 00:19:20,376
and his competition deleted
him from the system
420
00:19:20,376 --> 00:19:21,682
to keep him
off the ballot.
421
00:19:23,858 --> 00:19:25,251
Computers never lie.
422
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:26,991
Or make fun of your job.
423
00:19:26,991 --> 00:19:28,254
Or sleep with your supervisor
424
00:19:28,254 --> 00:19:29,951
to get you transferred
to the middle of nowhere
425
00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:32,258
instead of just
breaking up with you.
426
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:33,607
We had to go to Miami
427
00:19:33,607 --> 00:19:34,999
to get Fitz's
birth certificate.
428
00:19:34,999 --> 00:19:36,392
And now we're
heading to City Hall
429
00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:38,264
to register him in time
for the election and...
430
00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:41,876
No.
Dear God.
431
00:19:41,876 --> 00:19:43,965
No. No! No!
432
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:47,534
Hang in there, Larry!
433
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:49,797
Don't give that fuck
the satisfaction!
434
00:19:49,797 --> 00:19:51,407
It stings!
A lot!
435
00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:54,236
Now Larry?
I'd vote for him.
436
00:19:54,236 --> 00:19:55,933
You'd vote for that
cum-sock over me?
437
00:19:55,933 --> 00:19:57,544
I'd never vote for you.
438
00:19:57,544 --> 00:19:58,893
I'll remember that
when I've won.
439
00:19:58,893 --> 00:20:00,329
And you'll never win.
440
00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:02,549
Because no one could
give two shits about you.
441
00:20:04,072 --> 00:20:05,639
I deserve this.
442
00:20:05,639 --> 00:20:07,815
It's justice. Karma.
443
00:20:07,815 --> 00:20:09,817
I'm sorry I killed you,
little titmouse.
444
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:11,514
It was an accident.
445
00:20:11,514 --> 00:20:15,257
Let me guess.
It was endangered too.
446
00:20:15,257 --> 00:20:17,216
You sadistic freak.
447
00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:25,354
Oh yeah.
448
00:20:25,354 --> 00:20:28,009
It's a fruit.
449
00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:32,796
The only hope you'd
have of winning
450
00:20:32,796 --> 00:20:34,755
is to change everything
about yourself,
451
00:20:34,755 --> 00:20:37,018
you unlikable puke.
452
00:20:37,018 --> 00:20:38,715
You're right-I know I'm right.
453
00:20:38,715 --> 00:20:41,065
Not you, you piss rag.
454
00:20:41,065 --> 00:20:42,763
Play along,
or shut the fuck up.
455
00:20:42,763 --> 00:20:44,634
Agent Nelson!
456
00:20:49,639 --> 00:20:51,293
You're right.
457
00:20:51,293 --> 00:20:52,555
Richard Fitzpatrick
doesn't exist.
458
00:20:52,555 --> 00:20:53,687
It's a cover identity.
459
00:20:53,687 --> 00:20:55,210
My real name...
460
00:20:55,210 --> 00:20:57,125
is Chester Vince.
461
00:21:00,650 --> 00:21:03,218
I've been under deep
cover for months now.
462
00:21:03,218 --> 00:21:06,482
International
tomato smugglers.
463
00:21:06,482 --> 00:21:07,918
Your diligence has revealed
464
00:21:07,918 --> 00:21:10,007
a critical flaw in my cover;
465
00:21:10,007 --> 00:21:12,793
one that could get me killed.
466
00:21:12,793 --> 00:21:14,664
I owe you my life, agent.
467
00:21:14,664 --> 00:21:16,579
Sure you do.
468
00:21:16,579 --> 00:21:18,146
You don't believe me?
469
00:21:18,146 --> 00:21:19,539
Let me call my handler,
470
00:21:19,539 --> 00:21:22,193
He'll bring my
real ID down here.
471
00:21:22,193 --> 00:21:24,457
I get a phone call anyway.
Don't I?
472
00:21:41,865 --> 00:21:43,650
One call.
473
00:21:43,650 --> 00:21:45,652
It's all I need.
474
00:21:45,652 --> 00:21:47,436
What the fuck?
475
00:21:47,436 --> 00:21:49,308
I'm who matters here!
476
00:22:09,415 --> 00:22:12,156
Richard, we'll never make
it back to town by 5pm!
477
00:22:12,156 --> 00:22:13,723
We're going to make it.
478
00:22:13,723 --> 00:22:16,204
Hey, syphilis breath,
wait for me.
479
00:22:16,204 --> 00:22:18,032
Eat the corn from my shit,
old man!
480
00:22:18,032 --> 00:22:19,729
Ew!
He's your father.
481
00:22:19,729 --> 00:22:20,817
The only one you'll ever have.
482
00:22:20,817 --> 00:22:22,036
We can't leave him here.
483
00:22:22,036 --> 00:22:24,517
Fine.
Birth certificate, now!
484
00:22:24,517 --> 00:22:26,127
We had a deal!
485
00:22:26,127 --> 00:22:28,347
Birth certificate, or I
leave you with the fruit cop.
486
00:22:32,438 --> 00:22:35,179
Here.
487
00:22:35,179 --> 00:22:37,094
Take it, Larry.
488
00:22:37,094 --> 00:22:38,226
Ugh...
489
00:22:45,625 --> 00:22:47,670
Brotherfuckers!
490
00:22:48,889 --> 00:22:50,630
Chester, I know you have...
491
00:22:50,630 --> 00:22:51,848
strong feelings about Fitz,
492
00:22:51,848 --> 00:22:53,807
but this is no way
to win an election.
493
00:22:53,807 --> 00:22:54,982
Why not?
494
00:22:54,982 --> 00:22:58,202
I'm being ruthless. Cutthroat.
495
00:22:58,202 --> 00:22:59,900
I thought you were into that.
496
00:22:59,900 --> 00:23:01,989
Chester...
Chester, come back.
497
00:23:03,033 --> 00:23:05,166
Cutthroat men don't pout!
498
00:23:09,518 --> 00:23:12,303
Hello?
499
00:23:16,482 --> 00:23:20,050
Let me see if I have this
straight, Agent Nelson...
500
00:23:20,050 --> 00:23:22,749
My husband, Chester Vince,
501
00:23:22,749 --> 00:23:26,317
just broke out of an
agricultural station?
502
00:23:26,317 --> 00:23:28,711
Oh, a maximum security
agricultural station.
503
00:23:31,366 --> 00:23:33,847
Was my husband
wearing sunglasses
504
00:23:33,847 --> 00:23:36,371
and too much cologne?
505
00:23:36,371 --> 00:23:38,068
Really?
506
00:23:38,068 --> 00:23:40,636
And where was he headed?
507
00:23:40,636 --> 00:23:42,508
City Hall?
508
00:23:42,508 --> 00:23:43,726
Thank you.
509
00:23:45,685 --> 00:23:47,861
It can't be...
510
00:24:00,221 --> 00:24:01,570
Tell me you've got
the signatures.
511
00:24:01,570 --> 00:24:02,876
Signed, sealed and
delivered, man.
512
00:24:02,876 --> 00:24:04,138
No thanks to this
misfiring synapse.
513
00:24:04,138 --> 00:24:05,487
Whose bright idea was it
514
00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:07,576
to put Josh in charge
of the nomination form?
515
00:24:07,576 --> 00:24:08,882
Hey!
516
00:24:08,882 --> 00:24:10,274
This is the last thing
I'll ever need from you,
517
00:24:10,274 --> 00:24:12,059
you diabetic piss stain-
518
00:24:12,059 --> 00:24:13,190
There's only nineteen names.
519
00:24:13,190 --> 00:24:14,583
What are you talking about?
520
00:24:14,583 --> 00:24:16,367
Number seven is fake.
521
00:24:16,367 --> 00:24:17,630
Betty Drillzer.
522
00:24:17,630 --> 00:24:18,979
Except for your signature
523
00:24:18,979 --> 00:24:20,459
supporting my run
for city council!
524
00:24:23,287 --> 00:24:25,202
Fuck you!
Never!
525
00:24:26,682 --> 00:24:29,163
- Find someone else to sign it!
- Where?
526
00:24:29,163 --> 00:24:30,425
I'll sign it.
527
00:24:32,209 --> 00:24:33,689
You will?
528
00:24:35,735 --> 00:24:37,519
- What are you doing here?
- Who cares?
529
00:24:37,519 --> 00:24:38,955
Are you kidding me?
530
00:24:38,955 --> 00:24:41,480
Richard Fitzpatrick
makes good on a promise?
531
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:42,829
Any promise?
532
00:24:42,829 --> 00:24:45,875
I had to come and
see this for myself.
533
00:24:45,875 --> 00:24:47,529
Running for office.
534
00:24:47,529 --> 00:24:49,444
That's really something.
535
00:24:49,444 --> 00:24:50,880
Something big...
536
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,230
Don't ruin this by saying
something about your penis.
537
00:24:53,230 --> 00:24:54,493
Blah blah unrequited
blah blah.
538
00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:55,363
Sign!
539
00:25:08,419 --> 00:25:10,160
Richard,
we did it!
540
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,032
And we did it
by following the rules.
541
00:25:12,032 --> 00:25:14,948
Except for lying to
a federal officer -
542
00:25:14,948 --> 00:25:15,688
Shut the fuck up, Larry!
543
00:25:15,688 --> 00:25:17,341
Done and done, sir!
544
00:25:32,182 --> 00:25:34,054
- See ya!
- See ya!
545
00:25:39,015 --> 00:25:40,756
Well, congratulations.
546
00:25:42,584 --> 00:25:44,368
No thanks to you.
547
00:25:44,368 --> 00:25:45,239
Prove it.
548
00:25:46,588 --> 00:25:48,242
Maybe later.
549
00:25:48,242 --> 00:25:50,505
Right now, I've got
an election to win.
550
00:25:50,505 --> 00:25:52,202
Know what, Fitz?
551
00:25:52,202 --> 00:25:53,595
You might have taken
this round.
552
00:25:53,595 --> 00:25:55,945
But the battle's not over
until the fat lady...
553
00:25:55,945 --> 00:25:57,294
The war's not over
'til the battle's...
554
00:25:57,294 --> 00:25:58,600
- Chester Vince?
- WHAT?
555
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,254
FBI!
38342
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