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FITZ, NARRATING:
The way you live says a lot
2
00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:32,162
about the way
you're going to die.
3
00:00:32,162 --> 00:00:34,208
Come on! Give me my fucking
soda, you asshole!
4
00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:36,036
Bottom line
is this, kids.
5
00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:42,346
Some people just get
what they deserve.
6
00:00:42,346 --> 00:00:46,350
Give me my fucking soda,
you stupid asshole machine!
7
00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:48,048
Then there
are the schmucks
8
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,614
who never should have existed
in the first place.
9
00:00:49,614 --> 00:00:52,008
Richard, thank God
I found you.
10
00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:54,010
I have identified
your shadowy assassin.
11
00:00:54,010 --> 00:00:55,664
Be gone.
12
00:00:55,664 --> 00:00:59,233
Other people die exactly
as you'd expect them to.
13
00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:09,112
Then there's
the cockroaches,
14
00:01:09,112 --> 00:01:12,159
the stubborn fucks who
just keep on ticking...
15
00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:15,075
No matter what.
16
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:19,340
But the best death of all,
17
00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:21,124
the bonus kill,
18
00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:25,302
the one that comes with
a cash fucking reward.
19
00:01:25,302 --> 00:01:27,261
I'm sorry.
20
00:01:27,261 --> 00:01:29,132
There wasn't a thing we
could do for your father.
21
00:01:31,308 --> 00:01:32,353
Yeah!
22
00:01:35,182 --> 00:01:36,270
Good news.
23
00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:38,446
Your father's
going to be fine.
24
00:01:39,751 --> 00:01:40,752
Fuck.
25
00:01:46,671 --> 00:01:48,543
♪ Without you
26
00:01:48,543 --> 00:01:52,895
♪ I'd find my smile
27
00:01:52,895 --> 00:01:55,419
♪ Without you
28
00:01:55,419 --> 00:01:58,161
♪ I'd have won by a mile
29
00:01:58,161 --> 00:02:00,381
♪ Without you
30
00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:04,124
♪ Oh, life would be
so grand ♪
31
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,038
♪ Without you
32
00:02:06,038 --> 00:02:08,215
♪ I'm half a man
33
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:12,132
♪ Without you
34
00:02:15,222 --> 00:02:19,139
♪ Without you...
35
00:02:20,749 --> 00:02:23,795
♪ Without you
36
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,632
You forgot to put
an emergency contact
37
00:02:34,632 --> 00:02:36,982
on Ken Fitzpatrick's
admission form.
38
00:02:36,982 --> 00:02:38,288
Are you family?
39
00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:39,550
And who wants to know?
40
00:02:39,550 --> 00:02:42,205
I'm his daughter,
Meghan Fitzpatrick.
41
00:02:42,205 --> 00:02:43,337
Are you're willing
to act as liaison
42
00:02:43,337 --> 00:02:45,556
with the hospital
on his behalf?
43
00:02:45,556 --> 00:02:47,210
Oh, how much does that pay?
44
00:02:47,210 --> 00:02:49,343
It's not a job offer.
45
00:02:49,343 --> 00:02:51,040
Well, it sounds like
a lot of work to me.
46
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,563
And you want me
to do it for free,
47
00:02:52,563 --> 00:02:54,261
after what this family's
put me through?
48
00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:55,784
Forget it.
49
00:02:55,784 --> 00:02:58,178
Let my degenerate brother
take responsibility for once.
50
00:02:59,744 --> 00:03:01,137
Yeah, I'd love
to help you out, honey,
51
00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:03,487
but I just called a cab.
52
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:05,228
And if you ever want a ride,
53
00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:07,056
you call Uncle Fitzy.
54
00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:08,971
Ring, a-ding, ding.
55
00:03:08,971 --> 00:03:11,147
Ma'am, I would be
more than happy
56
00:03:11,147 --> 00:03:14,368
to be put down as
Mr. Fitzpatrick's next of kin.
57
00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:15,499
You're related?
58
00:03:15,499 --> 00:03:18,241
Well, technically, yes,
59
00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:22,027
as I am the living embodiment
of Richard's conscience.
60
00:03:22,027 --> 00:03:24,160
There--Psych Ward is on five.
61
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,031
Really, Larry?
62
00:03:26,031 --> 00:03:27,990
Does that shit ever fly?
63
00:03:27,990 --> 00:03:29,121
One day it might.
64
00:03:29,121 --> 00:03:30,732
Fuck, it smells
like death in here.
65
00:03:30,732 --> 00:03:33,822
Well, it's the proximity
of the shadowy figure.
66
00:03:33,822 --> 00:03:36,999
And by my estimation, Richard,
she is wearing support hose.
67
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,570
That's right. I found
that fortune teller.
68
00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:43,571
And you now what she said?
69
00:03:43,571 --> 00:03:47,139
Closer than you think.
70
00:03:47,139 --> 00:03:48,793
Paging Dr. Ass-tard.
71
00:03:48,793 --> 00:03:51,231
Your mouth is on line one and it
wants you to shut the fuck up!
72
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:55,147
Okay, you can see him now.
73
00:04:12,077 --> 00:04:15,124
Fuck. I'm dead.
74
00:04:15,124 --> 00:04:17,126
No!
75
00:04:18,214 --> 00:04:21,043
Oh, thank Christ.
76
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:23,088
Hey, keep it
down over there!
77
00:04:28,137 --> 00:04:29,269
What is this?
78
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,836
Some kind
of back-alley peepshow?
79
00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:34,622
You waited a long time to have
your cancerous testicle removed.
80
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:36,145
Now with your
high blood pressure
81
00:04:36,145 --> 00:04:37,189
and today's
cardial infraction--
82
00:04:37,189 --> 00:04:38,669
Will you fucking
speak English?
83
00:04:40,062 --> 00:04:41,672
Surgery or bust, sunshine.
84
00:04:41,672 --> 00:04:43,152
Emergency surgery?
85
00:04:43,152 --> 00:04:44,980
Isn't that dangerous
for an old man?
86
00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:47,287
Maybe even fatal?
87
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,680
Yeah, there's always
a risk of complications,
88
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,943
but tomorrow,
double those odds.
89
00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:53,902
Okay.
90
00:04:53,902 --> 00:04:57,253
The money the old man's got
socked away, plus the pension,
91
00:04:57,253 --> 00:04:59,342
minus the debt,
property value...
92
00:04:59,342 --> 00:05:01,866
Hah.
93
00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:02,998
Your bank account's
the only thing
94
00:05:02,998 --> 00:05:04,608
about you that's
healthy, old man.
95
00:05:04,608 --> 00:05:06,697
If I die, why should
you get a hot nickel?
96
00:05:06,697 --> 00:05:07,698
Because I've been putting up--Yeah, what about me?
97
00:05:07,698 --> 00:05:08,699
What do I get?
98
00:05:08,699 --> 00:05:11,572
Both of you need
to get in line.
99
00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:14,705
Technically, we are
still married.
100
00:05:14,705 --> 00:05:16,359
Huh?
What?
101
00:05:16,359 --> 00:05:19,319
Maybe Mama forgot
to file the papers.
102
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:22,147
And enough of this
death talk, baby.
103
00:05:22,147 --> 00:05:23,671
You're not going anywhere.
104
00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:25,368
You're as strong
as an ox.
105
00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:27,370
- Especially those balls.
Fuck.
106
00:05:27,370 --> 00:05:28,589
Get your fucking hands
off his balls,
107
00:05:28,589 --> 00:05:30,068
- you fucking old dragon.
- Excuse me, Daddy,
108
00:05:30,068 --> 00:05:31,331
I did everything
you said! I want my--
109
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,549
Excuse me, Daddy, I did
everything you said.
110
00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:34,856
All right, everybody!
Shut the fuck up!
111
00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:36,336
Tearing up
the old will.
112
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,641
Writing a new one.
113
00:05:38,947 --> 00:05:41,036
And if--
When!
114
00:05:41,036 --> 00:05:43,038
If I die--
115
00:05:43,038 --> 00:05:44,648
Don't worry about me, sir--
116
00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:48,086
You, especially,
will get squat and like it.
117
00:05:48,086 --> 00:05:52,134
If I die, everything goes
to the disappointment
118
00:05:52,134 --> 00:05:56,094
who disappointed
me the least.
119
00:05:56,094 --> 00:05:58,096
That's right.
120
00:05:58,096 --> 00:06:02,100
Fill in that
fucking blank.
121
00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:10,195
I deserve that inheritance,
122
00:06:10,195 --> 00:06:11,762
not Elaine,
not Meghan.
123
00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:14,025
Richard, call me crazy, but
it's a fairly minor procedure.
124
00:06:14,025 --> 00:06:15,940
In all likelihood,
Ken won't even die.
125
00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:17,420
Stop being so negative.
126
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:19,335
You need to concentrate on
the real problem at hand here:
127
00:06:19,335 --> 00:06:21,903
- your mother!
- Yes, get rid of her.
128
00:06:21,903 --> 00:06:23,121
Wait! Me?
129
00:06:23,121 --> 00:06:24,645
Yes, you.
130
00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:26,342
You're the one who keeps
saying she's out to get me.
131
00:06:26,342 --> 00:06:28,039
Keep an eye on her while
I get back to work.
132
00:06:28,039 --> 00:06:30,041
Only way I'm going
to impress the old man
133
00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:31,565
is to sell some cars.
134
00:06:31,565 --> 00:06:33,828
Richard, we're
in a hospital.
135
00:06:33,828 --> 00:06:36,570
That's right, full of sickos
who sure as hell
136
00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:38,006
won't be driving
themselves home.
137
00:06:38,006 --> 00:06:40,095
It's the oldest scam
in the book, Larry.
138
00:06:40,095 --> 00:06:43,272
Find a geezer,
low-ball him with a cash offer,
139
00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:44,447
get him to sign
on the dotted line
140
00:06:44,447 --> 00:06:46,449
and ring, a-ding, ding.
141
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:48,059
Game on, Mom.
142
00:06:50,105 --> 00:06:52,237
WOMAN, OVER PA:
Dr. Flores, dial 182,
143
00:06:52,237 --> 00:06:55,240
Oh, excuse me.
144
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:58,330
I've asked about a private
room six times now, okay?
145
00:06:58,330 --> 00:07:01,333
I don't want my father waking
up next to some sick immigrant.
146
00:07:01,333 --> 00:07:05,381
No offence.
147
00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:06,904
Poor Daddy.
148
00:07:06,904 --> 00:07:08,863
He must be so scared.
149
00:07:08,863 --> 00:07:10,734
Scared about
losing his money.
150
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:13,302
He always was
a greedy bastard.
151
00:07:13,302 --> 00:07:14,695
Except in the sack.
152
00:07:16,174 --> 00:07:18,263
Hey, if you guys
got back together,
153
00:07:18,263 --> 00:07:21,092
then you would
just get the money,
154
00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:23,965
like as a wife
and a mother,
155
00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:26,184
a mother who cares about her
recently divorced daughter's
156
00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:28,056
need for inner-thigh
liposuction.
157
00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:30,624
And outer thigh too.
158
00:07:30,624 --> 00:07:33,453
Basically
the entire thigh area.
159
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,019
Have I taught
you nothing?
160
00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:36,760
Actually, no.
161
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:40,851
Plastic surgery,
expensive trips to Hawaii,
162
00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:43,898
meaningless sex, that's what
rich boyfriends are for.
163
00:07:43,898 --> 00:07:46,988
Rupee doesn't believe
in plastic surgery,
164
00:07:46,988 --> 00:07:48,859
or meaningless sex,
165
00:07:48,859 --> 00:07:50,731
or being rich.
Fuck him!
166
00:07:50,731 --> 00:07:52,428
You see, now you're
using your head.
167
00:07:52,428 --> 00:07:54,169
Nothing would make
your father happier
168
00:07:54,169 --> 00:07:56,867
than getting rid of that
flaming pile of camel shit.
169
00:07:56,867 --> 00:07:59,043
Okay, well, if there's
one thing I'm not doing,
170
00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:01,306
it's taking relationship
advice from you.
171
00:08:01,306 --> 00:08:03,221
You have horrible
taste in men.
172
00:08:03,221 --> 00:08:05,049
I mean, Daddy? Ugh.
173
00:08:05,049 --> 00:08:06,398
Oh, excuse me.
174
00:08:06,398 --> 00:08:08,749
Okay, I have asked--
Excuse me!
175
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:12,927
WOMAN, OVER PA:
Dr. Davis, telephone, please.
176
00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:14,711
Hey, you got
the papers?
177
00:08:14,711 --> 00:08:16,452
Yeah.
178
00:08:16,452 --> 00:08:17,932
Not those
papers, idiot!
179
00:08:17,932 --> 00:08:20,891
The sales contracts so
I can sign some new business.
180
00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:21,892
Yeah, they're in the car.
181
00:08:21,892 --> 00:08:23,285
Well, go fucking
get them.
182
00:08:23,285 --> 00:08:24,765
And whatever you do,
do not tell Dot where we are.
183
00:08:24,765 --> 00:08:25,940
The last thing I need
is another piranha in panties
184
00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:28,769
trying to oust me
out of the will.
185
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:30,248
You owe me
for parking.
186
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:31,946
Oh, hello.
187
00:08:31,946 --> 00:08:35,558
Hello.
188
00:08:35,558 --> 00:08:39,562
Tick, tock!
189
00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:41,738
I got a sweet minivan
with your name all over it!
190
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:43,261
Come on! Let's do this!
191
00:08:43,261 --> 00:08:46,961
My final offer. You're raping
me on this, you asshole.
192
00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:51,487
All right, went you turn 16, you
remember, "Fitzpatrick Motors."
193
00:08:51,487 --> 00:08:53,358
Uh...
194
00:08:53,358 --> 00:08:57,449
Ooh.
195
00:08:58,450 --> 00:09:00,452
Hm, opiates.
196
00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:17,948
Just go. Just go.
197
00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:22,387
Richard,
we need to talk.
198
00:09:22,387 --> 00:09:24,999
Making an effort to impress
Ken is commendable but--
199
00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:27,349
Just doing what
I'm best at, pal.
200
00:09:27,349 --> 00:09:29,960
Well, ha, ha,
second best at.
201
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,788
Look, the situation
with your mother,
202
00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:32,920
it's worse than I thought.
203
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,835
- Always is.
- Elaine is many things.
204
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:37,664
She's slim, foul-mouth,
dynamite in red,
205
00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:39,970
but arrested for petty theft
and cheap seduction?
206
00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:42,016
So she's old
and losing her touch.
207
00:09:42,016 --> 00:09:44,061
Or she's experiencing emotion
for the first time.
208
00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:45,497
And not only is she going
to kill you on the Beaver Moon,
209
00:09:45,497 --> 00:09:46,847
she may actually enjoy it.
210
00:09:46,847 --> 00:09:48,326
Will you shut up about
that fucking moon already?
211
00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:49,719
You need to make
amends with her.
212
00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:51,199
That means not competing
for Ken's money.
213
00:09:51,199 --> 00:09:54,942
Competing? I've already
won, motherfucker.
214
00:09:56,247 --> 00:09:59,686
Best thing about the burn ward,
other than the hickory aroma,
215
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:01,992
a lot of schmucks looking
to unload their rides.
216
00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:03,037
Don't look so smug.
217
00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:04,386
This is my face.
218
00:10:04,386 --> 00:10:05,996
It is.
219
00:10:05,996 --> 00:10:07,737
I'm this close to getting
Daddy a private room.
220
00:10:07,737 --> 00:10:08,738
I'm this close to...
221
00:10:10,087 --> 00:10:10,958
- Okay, you know what?
- Oh, grow up, the two of you.
222
00:10:10,958 --> 00:10:12,916
Stop it.
223
00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:14,918
Here.
224
00:10:14,918 --> 00:10:16,050
Go get Mommy
some ice.
225
00:10:16,050 --> 00:10:19,140
No, I will not!
226
00:10:19,140 --> 00:10:21,098
That was a first.
227
00:10:21,098 --> 00:10:22,447
What?
What?
228
00:10:22,447 --> 00:10:24,449
There were some complications.
229
00:10:24,449 --> 00:10:26,669
Testicular mis-assignment.
230
00:10:26,669 --> 00:10:28,018
Huh?
231
00:10:28,018 --> 00:10:30,107
Well, in golfer's terms,
we sunk the wrong ball.
232
00:10:30,107 --> 00:10:32,153
Oh, you cross-eyed hack!
233
00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:33,154
Oh, good news.
234
00:10:33,154 --> 00:10:34,155
We managed
to reattach it.
235
00:10:34,155 --> 00:10:35,635
The bad news is,
236
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,550
well, we didn't exactly
get to the cancer nut.
237
00:10:38,550 --> 00:10:41,684
We rescheduled
your dad for 6:00.
238
00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:43,947
Excuse me. I need a drink.
239
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:48,996
Oh, I need a drink.
240
00:10:59,397 --> 00:11:00,921
So this is hell?
241
00:11:00,921 --> 00:11:02,662
Hey, you better make
a decision, old man,
242
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:03,880
before you go under
the knife again.
243
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:05,534
Who's it going to be?
244
00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:08,232
Ten, five and 10 says I took
this will action and then some.
245
00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:10,060
Two puddings.
Still working on the room.
246
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:11,888
I look hot in this skirt.
247
00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:14,238
No other woman on this earth
would put up with you.
248
00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:15,718
Cut the crap, lady.
249
00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:17,677
You're here for the cash.
250
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,417
How do you think these
two blood-sucking
251
00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:20,767
vultures learned to fly?
252
00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:22,856
Well, you need me,
you worthless sack of shit.
253
00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:25,380
I'm on the verge
of fucking death.
254
00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:29,427
The only thing I need
is a fresh start, a new kid.
255
00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:30,994
You haven't got the nuts.
256
00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:34,476
I stored some junk before
the scalpel jockey had her fun.
257
00:11:34,476 --> 00:11:35,695
Oh, no way
I'm ruining these tits.
258
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:36,870
They're brand new.
259
00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:38,175
This is real life, Elaine,
260
00:11:38,175 --> 00:11:40,395
not a fucking
horror movie.
261
00:11:40,395 --> 00:11:44,791
I called someone else to have
the kid, someone who cares.
262
00:11:46,053 --> 00:11:47,619
Phone must not
be working.
263
00:11:47,619 --> 00:11:49,230
Oh, you're out
of surgery.
264
00:11:49,230 --> 00:11:51,493
Darling, aw.
265
00:11:53,538 --> 00:11:55,889
Mm.
Oh.
266
00:11:55,889 --> 00:11:57,020
Fuck me.
267
00:11:57,020 --> 00:12:01,633
Baby.
268
00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:05,768
What kind of voodoo
mind shit
269
00:12:05,768 --> 00:12:07,074
are you playing
there, Dot Foxley?
270
00:12:07,074 --> 00:12:08,945
The voodoo has been a little
touch and go lately.
271
00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:12,209
I think Ken
actually loves me.
272
00:12:12,209 --> 00:12:13,558
Ironic, huh?
273
00:12:13,558 --> 00:12:15,343
You know how Ken
Fitzpatrick spells "love"?
274
00:12:15,343 --> 00:12:17,867
Fake jugs and a G-string
full of singles.
275
00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:20,043
Sorry, AA,
you don't qualify.
276
00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:22,785
Look who's a grumpy
little stepson.
277
00:12:22,785 --> 00:12:25,962
This is all a part of your
plan to fuck with me, isn't it?
278
00:12:25,962 --> 00:12:28,312
Ever since you arrived,
a lot of people I care about
279
00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:31,315
have turned up dead of missing:
Dexter Laine, Sonja.
280
00:12:31,315 --> 00:12:32,664
I don't know what
you're talking about.
281
00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:34,797
I'm all about
the gift of life.
282
00:12:34,797 --> 00:12:36,799
Here's that turkey
baster you asked for.
283
00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:39,019
Oh, fuck, Josh,
whose side are you on?
284
00:12:39,019 --> 00:12:40,194
What did I do?
285
00:12:40,194 --> 00:12:41,586
Excuse me.
286
00:12:41,586 --> 00:12:45,852
I have to make a withdrawal
from the sperm bank.
287
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:47,549
Ah, it's you.
288
00:12:47,549 --> 00:12:48,898
I see what you did
there with the whole--
289
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:52,815
WOMAN, OVER PA:
Dr. Gomez to Emergency.
Dr. Gomez to Emergency.
290
00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:53,990
I'll make it up
to you, okay?
291
00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:57,602
I'll get you cars,
trucks, motorbikes,
292
00:12:57,602 --> 00:13:01,171
b-boats and just
a whole lot of--
293
00:13:01,171 --> 00:13:02,520
I'll be right with you.
294
00:13:04,131 --> 00:13:06,829
Look, I know the situation
seems insurmountable.
295
00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:08,222
No, the situation
is mounting
296
00:13:08,222 --> 00:13:10,790
a rubber kitchen
utensil as we speak.
297
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,618
Richard, you're feeling
the pang of parental rejection.
298
00:13:13,618 --> 00:13:15,011
And it's perfectly
natural when a new child
299
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:16,796
is introduced
to the family.
300
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,623
Listen, Larry, a load
of my old man's spunk
301
00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:20,408
isn't a new child, okay?
302
00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:22,366
Spunk is not your
problem, mister.
303
00:13:22,366 --> 00:13:23,672
Your problem is much
bigger than that,
304
00:13:23,672 --> 00:13:26,153
far more serious,
far more evil and foul and--
305
00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:27,197
Doh!
306
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:32,507
You stay away from Richard,
because I know your game, lady.
307
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,858
And I am rolling
snake eyes.
308
00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:38,861
That means
you lost, idiot.
309
00:13:38,861 --> 00:13:40,471
- Does it?
- What do you want?
310
00:13:40,471 --> 00:13:42,865
Another shot before you
fuck off with my money?
311
00:13:42,865 --> 00:13:44,693
I bailed you out to get
rid of that psycho,
312
00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:47,130
and now I'm stuck
with her forever.
313
00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:49,089
It's just like you
to blame me for everything.
314
00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:50,568
It's little league
all over again.
315
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:51,743
Little league?
316
00:13:51,743 --> 00:13:53,876
Richard never went
to little league, Mom,
317
00:13:53,876 --> 00:13:56,836
because his games conflicted
with your poker night, remember?
318
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:57,837
No.
319
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,229
Bar is closed.
320
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:00,970
Scram.
321
00:14:00,970 --> 00:14:02,537
I know how to get rid
of the skirt for real.
322
00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:04,495
Just what I need,
another missing woman.
323
00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:05,757
I'm thinking more
along the lines
324
00:14:05,757 --> 00:14:07,759
of no bun without
the baby batter.
325
00:14:07,759 --> 00:14:10,284
Hah! What? So now
you take up baking?
326
00:14:10,284 --> 00:14:12,199
Little late
for that, Mom.
327
00:14:12,199 --> 00:14:15,332
No, you moron.
328
00:14:15,332 --> 00:14:17,813
We have to get rid
of Ken's sperm sample.
329
00:14:17,813 --> 00:14:19,684
He said he stored it right
before he went into surgery.
330
00:14:19,684 --> 00:14:22,383
Because there's no way
he could get it up for real.
331
00:14:22,383 --> 00:14:24,689
We destroy the sample
before Miss Mary Fuck-Off
332
00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:25,690
puts her paws on it.
333
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:27,910
Bye-bye, new baby.
334
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,564
Bye-bye, Dot.
335
00:14:29,564 --> 00:14:31,522
No, don't you fall
for this, Richard.
336
00:14:31,522 --> 00:14:33,089
It's another one
of her mind games.
337
00:14:33,089 --> 00:14:35,004
This is vengeful
and spiteful and--
338
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:38,834
Haven't you caused enough
harm in this family, lady?
339
00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,096
Yes, she has.
340
00:14:40,096 --> 00:14:42,925
Now it's time to fuck up
the next generation.
341
00:15:25,098 --> 00:15:27,491
Oh, that's
Fitz's favourite car.
342
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:28,928
Is someone there?
343
00:15:30,146 --> 00:15:31,931
Is that you, God?
344
00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:37,545
Yes, my son.
345
00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:39,155
Is it my time?
346
00:15:42,811 --> 00:15:46,119
Look into the light.
347
00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:55,737
Daddy, please!
348
00:15:55,737 --> 00:16:00,002
I don't want a sister or another
brother or a Dot,
349
00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:01,612
meanie office manager
who will take what's mine
350
00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:03,266
and piss all over it.
351
00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:04,441
It's not fair!
352
00:16:04,441 --> 00:16:05,573
Fair?
353
00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:06,617
What's fair about
you shacking up
354
00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:07,792
with the chinks
across the street
355
00:16:07,792 --> 00:16:09,055
and stealing my business?
356
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:11,796
Is that why you won't
put me in your will?
357
00:16:11,796 --> 00:16:13,842
I need someone
who's here for me.
358
00:16:13,842 --> 00:16:16,192
See? Magic.
359
00:16:16,192 --> 00:16:17,977
How's my little
patient feeling?
360
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,195
Like shit. Oh.
361
00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:20,631
Thanks for asking.
362
00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:23,025
Dot's going to give me
something I never had before,
363
00:16:23,025 --> 00:16:25,332
a grateful
little douchebag
364
00:16:25,332 --> 00:16:28,161
who thinks the sun
shines out of my ass.
365
00:16:28,161 --> 00:16:30,511
Are you still
standing here?
366
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:31,860
Yes, I am.
367
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:33,644
And you know why?
368
00:16:33,644 --> 00:16:35,646
Because that's what I do.
369
00:16:35,646 --> 00:16:37,518
When we went
to Tampa in '86,
370
00:16:37,518 --> 00:16:38,649
and you all forgot me
at the gas station,
371
00:16:38,649 --> 00:16:40,216
I stood there!
372
00:16:40,216 --> 00:16:43,263
When I waited at the church
for you and Dick and Elaine
373
00:16:43,263 --> 00:16:45,526
to come off you individual
benders on my wedding day,
374
00:16:45,526 --> 00:16:46,788
I stood there.
375
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:48,268
Why?
376
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:51,619
Because I'm a Fitzpatrick,
and I'm loyal to the end!
377
00:16:51,619 --> 00:16:53,838
I'll take it in the ass
for Team Fitzpatrick
378
00:16:53,838 --> 00:16:54,970
and I'll take it hard.
379
00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:57,016
I'll take it
so fucking hard
380
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,409
without lube and without
stretching because--
381
00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:04,588
Oh, my heavens, Mom!
382
00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:07,635
And I got you
your private room!
383
00:17:18,385 --> 00:17:23,259
I lived a long life,
but not a good one.
384
00:17:23,259 --> 00:17:28,090
I honestly didn't expect
a private audience.
385
00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:32,399
Equal-oppertunity
God, dude.
386
00:17:32,399 --> 00:17:33,922
Oh, Lord,
387
00:17:33,922 --> 00:17:38,883
I'm sorry for being
a miserable prick all my life.
388
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:41,712
Ah, you weren't
that bad.
389
00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:44,541
I was.
390
00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:46,630
I only cared
about my car.
391
00:17:46,630 --> 00:17:50,112
That's why I'm
here all alone.
392
00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:53,855
My Sunday school
teacher was right.
393
00:17:53,855 --> 00:17:56,510
You can't take
it with you.
394
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:02,733
Well, actually, you can.
395
00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:06,737
And we have valet.
396
00:18:06,737 --> 00:18:11,090
Park it in
the shade, Lord.
397
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:26,888
Hello, this is Ruptal,
the handsome one.
398
00:18:26,888 --> 00:18:30,283
Please leave
a message at the tone.
399
00:18:30,283 --> 00:18:33,808
Rupee, I'm sorry.
400
00:18:33,808 --> 00:18:35,201
It's over.
401
00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:40,119
My Daddy needs me
and I need my daddy-- 's money.
402
00:18:44,949 --> 00:18:45,907
Oh, fuck.
403
00:18:45,907 --> 00:18:47,952
Dr. Rodriguez...
404
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:53,306
Richard, a spermicidal
killing frenzy
405
00:18:53,306 --> 00:18:55,482
with one's mother does not
constitute making amends.
406
00:18:55,482 --> 00:18:56,918
I'm not killing anything.
407
00:18:56,918 --> 00:18:59,877
Sperm without an egg is
a like a car without wheels.
408
00:18:59,877 --> 00:19:01,705
It's here.
Shh, shh, shh.
409
00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:03,229
Her fangs could
emerge at any moment.
410
00:19:03,229 --> 00:19:08,059
Back off, ass douche!
411
00:19:08,059 --> 00:19:10,410
I got this.
412
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:12,542
Oh, fuck!
413
00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:13,543
Subtle.
414
00:19:13,543 --> 00:19:14,849
Ugh!
415
00:19:14,849 --> 00:19:15,806
The pros kick doors in.
416
00:19:15,806 --> 00:19:17,765
Pussies pick logs.
417
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:19,767
Advice from
a master criminal.
418
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:21,769
Jesus, you're the one who
just got caught shoplifting.
419
00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:23,684
- I know what I'm doing.
- Do you really?
420
00:19:23,684 --> 00:19:24,859
Yes, I do.
Really?
421
00:19:24,859 --> 00:19:29,603
Okay, would you both
please stop fighting?
422
00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:33,737
Oh, that's not good.
423
00:19:35,739 --> 00:19:37,741
Richard!
424
00:19:43,051 --> 00:19:45,271
Mrs. Curzon?
425
00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:47,055
MAN, OVER PA:
Dr. Cohn to Emergency.
426
00:19:47,055 --> 00:19:49,797
Dr. Cohn to Emergency.
427
00:19:53,757 --> 00:19:55,281
What are you
doing here?
428
00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:58,849
I received your message,
not my cousin.
429
00:19:58,849 --> 00:20:00,373
He didn't hear me
break up with him?
430
00:20:00,373 --> 00:20:01,504
I hate that machine.
431
00:20:01,504 --> 00:20:03,419
You know I accidentally
pressed "erase"
432
00:20:03,419 --> 00:20:04,464
while I was singing
to the heavens:
433
00:20:04,464 --> 00:20:07,467
"At last
the she-beast is dead!"
434
00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:08,772
Thank you.
435
00:20:08,772 --> 00:20:11,819
Hey, I'm not here
to console you.
436
00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:27,835
Mom!
437
00:20:31,012 --> 00:20:32,883
No names!
438
00:20:32,883 --> 00:20:36,409
How are we supposed to know
which ones to flush?
439
00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:38,933
All of them?
440
00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:41,152
No child left behind.
441
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:46,245
Mama's not taking
any chances.
442
00:20:59,345 --> 00:21:00,389
Shit.
443
00:21:04,611 --> 00:21:06,308
Liquid nitrogen.
444
00:21:06,308 --> 00:21:07,918
Oh, free huff.
445
00:21:07,918 --> 00:21:10,356
Or the sperm bank just
turned into a gas chamber.
446
00:21:10,356 --> 00:21:11,792
Are you kidding me?
447
00:21:11,792 --> 00:21:14,447
No.
448
00:21:20,409 --> 00:21:22,498
Hello?
449
00:21:22,498 --> 00:21:23,804
Hello?
450
00:21:23,804 --> 00:21:25,327
Fuck!
451
00:21:25,327 --> 00:21:27,460
Where is that stretched out
homo when you need him?
452
00:21:28,896 --> 00:21:31,202
Maybe Larry was right
about you after all.
453
00:21:31,202 --> 00:21:33,640
What are you
talking about?
454
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,859
You tricked me
into helping you,
455
00:21:35,859 --> 00:21:37,774
and now you're
trying to gas me.
456
00:21:37,774 --> 00:21:40,821
You were the one that wanted
me to get rid of Dot.
457
00:21:40,821 --> 00:21:44,128
Yeah, but I didn't ask
you to stick around.
458
00:21:47,654 --> 00:21:52,311
Well, maybe I still
love the bastard.
459
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:54,748
Who the fuck else has
the balls to deal with me.
460
00:21:54,748 --> 00:21:57,794
Oh come on, Mom.
We got about five minutes left.
461
00:21:57,794 --> 00:22:01,232
How about you take the truth
out for a test drive for once?
462
00:22:01,232 --> 00:22:05,324
All right,
you want the truth?
463
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:06,934
Yeah.
464
00:22:06,934 --> 00:22:09,980
I got arrested on purpose,
465
00:22:09,980 --> 00:22:13,244
because I knew you'd
bail me out eventually.
466
00:22:15,159 --> 00:22:17,205
Fuck it, kid.
467
00:22:17,205 --> 00:22:19,338
I'm lonely.
468
00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:20,339
You happy?
469
00:22:21,862 --> 00:22:23,820
You happy now?
470
00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:24,952
No.
471
00:22:24,952 --> 00:22:27,389
I know what you're
trying to do.
472
00:22:27,389 --> 00:22:29,391
You're trying to lull me
into trusting you.
473
00:22:29,391 --> 00:22:30,566
Ritchie?
474
00:22:30,566 --> 00:22:32,916
No, no, I'm not falling
for it again, Mom.
475
00:22:32,916 --> 00:22:34,788
Not this time.
476
00:22:34,788 --> 00:22:36,659
You're the one
in my nightmare.
477
00:22:36,659 --> 00:22:37,921
You get out of my head.
478
00:22:37,921 --> 00:22:40,446
You leave me alone.
479
00:22:40,446 --> 00:22:41,751
Come on, kid.
480
00:22:41,751 --> 00:22:43,666
I'm the one who's rolling
snake eyes lately.
481
00:22:43,666 --> 00:22:44,928
Yeah.
482
00:22:44,928 --> 00:22:49,759
And that means
this time you lose.
483
00:23:07,473 --> 00:23:08,952
You're a dude.
484
00:23:11,607 --> 00:23:12,826
Oh, thank God.
485
00:23:12,826 --> 00:23:15,045
We need to talk before
security comes back.
486
00:23:16,917 --> 00:23:18,397
Where is she?
487
00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:21,182
Richard, there's something you
need to know about Elaine.
488
00:23:21,182 --> 00:23:22,662
Yeah, she was actually
telling the truth for once.
489
00:23:22,662 --> 00:23:24,446
Shut the fuck up
over there.
490
00:23:24,446 --> 00:23:25,665
I'm recuperating.
491
00:23:25,665 --> 00:23:27,928
Richard, please let
me finish. Wait, wait.
492
00:23:27,928 --> 00:23:29,408
You can't have
a baby with Dot Foxley.
493
00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:30,887
Why the fuck not?
494
00:23:30,887 --> 00:23:33,150
Elaine may be a shrew,
but in her own fucked up way,
495
00:23:33,150 --> 00:23:35,457
she cares more about you
than Dot Foxley ever will.
496
00:23:35,457 --> 00:23:36,937
Richard.
- It wasn't a con this time.
497
00:23:36,937 --> 00:23:38,634
She got herself
arrested on purpose
498
00:23:38,634 --> 00:23:40,506
so she could come
back to you.
499
00:23:40,506 --> 00:23:42,812
That's fucking family
loyalty, old man.
500
00:23:42,812 --> 00:23:43,944
That's a real Fitzpatrick,
501
00:23:43,944 --> 00:23:45,902
something Dot Foxley
will never be!
502
00:23:45,902 --> 00:23:47,251
Elaine left.
503
00:23:50,429 --> 00:23:51,691
What?
504
00:23:51,691 --> 00:23:53,649
She said you told
her to leave,
505
00:23:53,649 --> 00:23:55,390
and then she hijacked Josh
506
00:23:55,390 --> 00:23:58,262
out of a car that
he just got for you.
507
00:23:59,350 --> 00:24:00,308
Does it hurt
508
00:24:00,308 --> 00:24:02,266
being a fuck up
all the time?
509
00:24:02,266 --> 00:24:04,007
Don't answer that.
510
00:24:04,007 --> 00:24:06,706
Laughing makes my
balls hurt-- Ball.
511
00:24:06,706 --> 00:24:11,275
Pretty sure your soldiers
hit the beach, hon.
512
00:24:11,275 --> 00:24:14,627
No, no, no, but you destroyed
all those samples.
513
00:24:14,627 --> 00:24:17,760
Haven't you heard of the
old-fashioned way, asshole?
514
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,501
No, no, of course
you wouldn't.
515
00:24:32,122 --> 00:24:33,950
I'm so sorry, Richard.
516
00:24:33,950 --> 00:24:36,649
Fuck off, Larry.
Just fuck off.
517
00:24:36,649 --> 00:24:40,043
She waited until
she knew you were okay.
518
00:24:43,830 --> 00:24:45,788
So what did I miss?
519
00:24:57,452 --> 00:25:00,586
Start marching, soldiers.
36627
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