All language subtitles for Call Me Fitz (2010) S01E12 (1080p AMZN WEB-DL H265 SDR DDP 5.1 English - HONE)_track3_[eng]

There are many things
that make a man a winner.

But the only one
that I give a shit about

is the almighty Fibby,

international symbol
of pre-owned excellence,

named after the maestro
himself, Nicky Fibronski,

who, on June 9th, 1969,

sold 68 junkers in one day.

Winning a Fibby in this town
says you're the best.

I've got eight,

and tomorrow night,
I'll be nine for nine.

Only one way to spell "winner"
in my book

and that's F-I-T-fucking-Z.

I've been waiting
for this day my whole life:

beating my old man's record.

Beautiful day.

Who's dead?

You are. Fibbys numbers are in.

Say hello to 5th place,
ass clown.

You don't even qualify
this year.

Fuck.

♪ Without you

♪ I'd find my smile

♪ Without you

♪ I'd have won
by a mile ♪

♪ Without you

♪ Oh, life would be
so grand ♪

♪ Without you

♪ I'm half a man

♪ Without you

♪ Without you

I'd usually take a hottie
like you for a lay-down,

but you're more of a cherry,

a woman with
a sweet-ass trade-in

who wouldn't refuse
a little backseat driving,

if she's agrees
to purchase right now.

Ah, come on, honey,
lesbians usually love me.

Ooh!

Oh, God.

This came for you.

Ooh, my How to Survive
on One Kidneyhandbook.

Hey, have I shown you
my scar lately?

It actually adds quite a bit
of zing to my midriff.

Oh, no, it's a photo.
It wasn't addressed

to anyone in particular
so I opened it, and look.

Nice hair, hot stuff.

But who's Mark and Dave?

Go ahead, tell me
it's my own fucking fault.

Using my obvious sexual gifts
is no way to sell cars.

Yeah, I know that look too.

"Your father's not in
competition with you, Richard.

It's just his deep-seated fear
of parental love."

To which I respond,
"Shut up, Larry."

And you say something like,

"Oh, Richard, are you ever
going to be redeemable?"

There's only one way Fitzy's
ever going to be redeemed

and that's shaken, not stirred.

"But Richard, it's the middle
of the workday

and you really shouldn't
get hammered before lunch."

Yeah, well, fuck you, Larry.

If that even if my real name.

When the Germans find a bunker,

they either blow it up
or set it on fire.

Mom! Mom!

Yes, sweetie?

You and your friend still
watching that holocaust movie

you don't want me to see?

Umm--

They're not all dead yet,
so just, umm...

Oh, this is awful.

He'll be okay. His thirst
should not be quenched

by sugary drinks anyways.

I'm certain his knowledge
of genocide: limited.

Not that. We can't keep
getting stopped like this.

My labia are not used to this
much swelling and deflating.

There can be
only one explanation

for these interruptions
that plague us.

Universe, the universe
is standing in our way

because we are hiding
our passion from our families.

Tell them? Are you kidding?

That would be like the double
cock block of the century.

There is no other choice.

This is the perfect timing,
dearest, before the Fibbys.

Then, when cousin and I
beat those Fitzpatricks

to a bloody pulp [figuratively
speaking, of course],

it'll all be in the family.
This is the only way.

We must clear
this karmic roadblock

so I can plough
your carrot field.

What?

Because of your orange hair.

Oh. Well, don't be shocked

if the carpet don't match
the drapes, babe.

Ah. I'm completely lost
in a sea of metaphor.

And I'm totally turned on.

Ah.

Soon.

So, you don't win a Fibby
this year.

You can still get arrested
at the after party.

Oh, it's not about a trophy.

It's about beating
my old man's record

and publicly humiliating
that incontinent piss tit.

You can kiss me now
or you can kiss me later

but you better kiss me now

because what I'm about
to tell you,

you're going to want to bone me
and Josh don't play that game.

I told you to leave me alone.

Come on, man.
I said I was sorry.

I didn't know that Cara wanted
to kill you with the--

I thought she was just
going to lock you up

and throw away the key.

Now that I say that,
that sounds really bad.

I'm getting off topic.

Hargrove and Peterson,
'82 to '84,

swept the Fibbys
three years in a row as a team.

You don't sell cars, nimrod.
Or did you forget that too?

Yeah, but Larry does,

and his numbers with
your numbers means you win.

No, it means I win with Larry.
There's a big difference.

Yeah, but 8 still beats 8.

Yeah.

If you'll excuse me,

I have to go see a circus freak
about an award.

Hey, I need those.

No way. I am not losing me
license again for you, Fitz.

I can give you a lift.

Fuck it.

Yes, tracking number 67832.

No, just the return address,
no name.

Oh, okay.
Well, thank you for your help,

which was really not very
helpful at all.

Larry, get changed.

Why? Is my scab bleeding again?

Tux, gayest one I could find.
We're going to win me a Fibby.

Richard, your sales
were terrible this quarter.

We're not even
in the running this year.

Yeah, and whose fault is that?

Oh, well, somehow I think
you found a way to make it mine.

But you're in luck. I know
how you can make it up to me:

loophole in
the conventions rules.

Us together and it's extra
olives with a side of Screw Ken.

You and me?

Yeah.

Usually, that type of news
would make me very happy,

but not today.

Larry, let me paint
a picture for you.

Free grub, all the complimentary
booze you can drink,

more tail than
a freaking beaver dam,

one heavenly afternoon of
automotive-sanctioned depravity.

Plus, the trophies
make great sex toys.

I'm not in the mood for a party, Richard.

Come on, you owe me.

For what? Stealing my kidney?

I called you five times
to pick me up last night.

Richard, I'm not your
designated driver, okay?

And in fact, I may not even
be your conscience.

Well, that's what
I've been saying all along.

As such, I have a personal issue
I need to look into right now.

There is nothing more personal

than topping my old man
at the Fibbys.

Except this.

Some stupid picture of
an idiot that looks like you

and some other guy retarded
enough to be his friend?

So what?

I don't remember this photo
being taken, Richard,

or that hair. And while this
appears to be me in the photo,

I don't know anyone
named Mark or Dave.

This is a very emotional,
difficult time for me, Richard.

One man, three names,
and unknown past,

an uncertain,
one-kidneyed future.

There can be no joy in Larryland
until I find out the truth.

Fuck. Three hours
till show time.

All right, if I help you
figure this out,

you shut the fuck up
and come to the Fibbys with me?

I'll get changed.

In the car.

That--

That was a very brave share.

And I'm so glad you were able
to come in to this

after that awful
kidnapping situation.

It was really horrible.

Hello there, welcome.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.

What did you just say?

Sorry?

No. The apologies stop here.

Your days of apologizing
are over

because you have nothing
to feel sorry about.

Welcome--

Allie.

Allie. Please, share.

Oh, you know what? That's okay.

I just thought I'd come
and, you know, sit,

check it out, just see if
it's a good fit for me.

Let me ask you something, Allie.

Have you ever considered
moving in with a man

after a third date?

Uhh--

Ever had to lie about
a cigarette burn?

Have you ever hated a man
with every fibre of your being

and wanted to screw him
just as much?

Actually...

Guess what, sister.

This is the right fit for you.

Everyone, join me
in welcoming Allie

with our vow of equanimity.

Grant me courage
to recognize my own power,

the foresight to know when
a man will screw me over

and the wisdom to never
grant joint access

to my chequing account.

Most honourable Ken,

it is with great ardour
that I am here today.

I am humbled by
my respect for you.

If I wanted my cock sucked,
I'd called 1-800-suck-my-cock.

Get to the point.

I am here to declare
my intentions

with regards to your daughter.

I desire your blessing to date,
and subsequently bed, Meghan.

I suppose that makes sense.
You people love your cows.

Uhh, I'm not a Hindu.

Yeah, blah-blah-blah.

Have a drink.

With all due respect,
my religion forbids it.

Then your religion forbids you

to put your pork in my princess.

Well...

All right.

Now, let's talk dowries.

While monetary compensation
is a custom of my people,

I ask for nothing more than your
daughter's hand in lovemaking.

I'm not talking about you.
What do I get?

A fixer upper? Maybe I was
a real estate agent.

Or it's an old storage place and
someone is fucking with you.

Can we go now?

Fuck.

Hello?

Mark?

Come on, Larry!

Hey, Dave?

You guys?

Hey, are we done here?

It's fucking freezing out there, man.

This is very unusual. Why in the
world would somebody send me

a picture in order to lure me
into an abandoned warehouse?

I don't know. Maybe you had
some stuff stored here

and they mailed it to you
when they closed up shop.

Or maybe it's a trap.

Fuck.

We can do this. We can do this.

God, Richard.

Don't hug me!

Sorry.

And to this day, I can't stop
thinking about him.

Ugh, I should just shave my head
and move to India.

Except you'd only find
the same bad men there.

You know what I mean, don't you?

Sounds just like a guy I know.

But I see now, I was just
allowing myself to be used.

Now I'm just a pre-owned
piece of trash

with a really low resale value.

Sonya, that is not true.

You are a top-of-the-line model.

You just need to believe that,
in here.

Remember, ladies,
that's why we're all here,

because we're stronger than
the men that tried to ruin us,

the men that don't deserve us.

There's one in particular:

the same stories,

the same lies,

same residue of shame.

Show of hands: how many of us

are talking about
Richard Fitzpatrick?

Holy shit.

We should just rename this group
"Fucked Over by Fitz."

That little prick.

Well, it wasn't that little.

Good job, crotch stain.

40 minutes till the Fibbys
and I'm stuck here with you.

Plus, you were stupid enough
to fall for some scam

to get us trapped here.
It's probably my old man.

Well, it's an old building.
Perhaps I overreacted.

Perhaps that handle breaking

was nothing but
an unfortunate accident.

Ah! Thank you very much.

How is not having
a cell signal my fault?

I don't know.
Every disaster that's happened

in my life lately
has been because of you.

I have done everything
in my power to assist you

in becoming
a decent human being.

Yeah? How's that working out
for you?

No matter how many ditches
I pick you up from,

comatose women I help you marry,

pornographic films I cameo in,

mentally challenged women
I inadvertently help you bed,

bodies I assist you in stealing,
sniper bullets that I dodge,

kidneys that I lose for you,
you will never

take responsibility for
your own problems, will you?

How is getting locked in
a David Fincher movie

with your identity crisis
my problem, huh?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Kevin?

Kevin.

Ah!

Oh.

My precious fig bird,
why are you here?

I know, I know, it looks like
I'm stalking you. Old habits.

I should have called you
after I left your father.

I'm sorry.

And? What did he say?

He gave us his blessing.

Oh! How?

I paid him.

I'm sorry. What?

Well, paid is more of
an offering, really.

What are you talking about?
My father pimped me out?

Oh, no, no, no.
Well, yes, I suppose.

Based on cultural
interpretation--

How much?

Seven deluxe aluminum rims,

14 superior anti-corroding
brake pads--

My father sold me
for auto parts?

Custom auto parts.
$15,000 worth.

$15,000? My God,
I'm totally expensive,

like what Congressman buy.
So, can we do it now?

Uhh, the familial circle
of truth is not yet complete.

As soon as I tell my cousin,
we are good to blow--

Go.

Okay.

Soon, my love, soon.

I haven't seen Kevin
since I was six years old.

We went on vacation and when
we came back, he was gone.

My father said he hopped away
because I cried like a girl.

What's he doing here?

Where did you find him?

What kind of psycho voodoo
bullshit are you pulling on me?

Oh, Richard.

Hey, you were there,
at the accident.

It was you,

after I hit my head.

Yes. Yes, I was there
to help you.

No, you made me
run off the road.

Richard, I would never do
anything to hurt you.

No, it's your fault:
the accident, Babs Devin,

her daughter, jail, screwing my
sales, syphilis, it's all you!

Or Mark, or Dave. I mean--

No, no, I can never
do anything like that.

Prove it.

I can't!

Because I don't remember.

I don't remember anything
before the accident.

All I know is that I saw you run
off the road and you were hurt

and you needed my help.

Next time,
be an innocent bystander.

You're right.

You're right. It doesn't matter
who I am, this is all my fault.

I should have let you get rid of
me a long time ago, Richard.

And now we're trapped here
and you can't get to the Fibbys

and we're both going to die.

Oh, for fuck's sake.
Will you get down from there?

The last thing I need is
another dead body on my hands.

No, this is the only way.

Who knows how long you're going
to be here before they find you.

You remember that South American
soccer team?

No.

When I'm dead, you need to
eat my body to stay alive.

The best meat
is found in the rump.

We've been here 20 minutes.

And how long until the pangs
of hunger drive you mad?

Another 20? You're not
a breakfast person, Richard.

I know you. You haven't eaten
anything all day.

Whatever happened to:

"You got to look on
the bright side, Richard.

We got to move forward,
Richard."

Killing yourself
isn't going to solve anything

and it sure as shit isn't
going to win me my trophy.

No? Then we both have
nothing to live for.

No matter who I am, Richard,

I will always hold you dear.

Nothing to live for, Larry?

You ever dipped a broad to
The Count Basie years?

I don't think so.

You ever tasted
a vodka martini so cold

it made your balls sting?

Alcohol's not really my thing.

You ever wanted
to kiss a woman so bad,

that when you finally
tasted her lips,

you didn't give a fuck
what planet you were on?

Umm--

And what about
the sweet taste of victory,

when you finally
got to celebrate

the one thing you do better
than any other schmuck in town?

You're always trying
to convince me, Richard,

seduce me with your charm.

And this time's no different.

Come on, man. I need you, Larry.

Because that is your name.

Larry, I need you to help me
find a way out of this shithole.

Okay. Okay, maybe one last time.

Yeah.

Ooh!

Whoa!

Oh!

Oh, there's a way.

No need to count again, Cousin.

It is clear
our inventory's diminished.

You noticed.

Yes, and it is most troubling.

The universe is telling me
that now is the time to confess.

Cousin, please, open your heart,
listen to what I have to say--

I know your transgression, okay?
And I forgive.

You do?

You know, I have done
this salacious deed

many times myself.
Late at night working,

I'm often overcome by this
disgusting perversion of a sin.

Cousin, I am so relieved.

We Ruptas are not just
devilishly handsome, huh?

We're also forgetful people.

Forgetful?

Yes. You failed to turn on
the security monitor last night

and thieves had their way
with anti-corroding brake pads.

What to do, y'all? What to do?

I shouldn't be here.

I'm glad you came.

You told me you'd kill my mom
if I didn't.

I was joking. Come on, it's fun.

Yeah, I knew that.
But please don't,

the killing my mom.

We're one and the same,
you know, you and me.

We're not like everybody else,

everybody always shitting on us.

Did you get that book
I told you about?

Yeah.

It's right here.

Oh, it's not for me.
It's for you.

I have a little project that
I want to talk to you about,

something only a big, strong

ex-militia man could handle.

Who?

I'm talking about you, Joshy.

Oh.

I've got it all planned out.

Okay, umm, look, if this has
anything to do with Fitzy--

You mean that monster
that destroyed my childhood,

my family, my trust in men,
with his selfish actions.

Okay, well, he's not that bad.

He bedded my mother

and then laughed it off
when my father found out.

Okay, I guess that's pretty bad.

We are in a state of emergency

and its name
is Richard Fitzpatrick.

I'm not going to lie.

I'm thinking about
fucking him right now.

We have to be strong, Allie.

We all have to be strong because
the road we must take now

is hard and fraught
with difficult decisions.

If--

If for once in
your life you could,

in one, bold, symbolic act,
throw down

those shackles of victimhood and
say no more, wouldn't you do it?

Richard Fitzpatrick is a cancer.

And what do we do for cancer?

Regular breast exams?

Half a point. We destroy it.

Destroy Fitz?

We destroy it.

What?

I want you to get your tux on,
and tonight,

we'll bring down
those thieving devils.

Together, we'll crush
the enemy of enemies,

the family Fitzpatrick
once and for all.

I would pay 10,000 brake pads
for a chance at that.

You are a good man,
Josh McTaggart.

Know that I know
that you know what's right.

I know that you know
that I know...

Let's talk logistics, shall we?

I love you.

Get us signed in, get the vodka
flowing, I'll go park the car.

We're an impressive team,
Richard Fitzpatrick.

Now, let's go win us a Fibby!
Yeah!

That is correct,
the team of Larry with an L

and Richard Fitzpatrick.

Though generally he prefers
to be called--

Oh, look at that, you know him.

There is no way in hell
that dead, shrivelled scrotum--

can be allowed to exist
one minute longer--

without answering
for his crimes--

and paying the ultimate penalty!

You want a hit, Kev?

♪ That's life

♪ That's what
all the people say ♪

♪ You're riding high in April

♪ And shot down in May

♪ I know I'm gonna
change that tune ♪

Yes, it does feel good
to be number one.

On behalf of everyone
at Fitzpatrick motors,

I'd like to say,
"Fuck you, Dad."

♪ Some people get their kicks
stomping on a dream ♪

♪ But I won't let it
get me down ♪

♪ 'Cause this final world,
it keeps spinning 'round ♪

♪ I been a puppet, a pauper,
a pirate, a poet ♪

♪ A pawn and a king

♪ I been up, down, over, out

♪ I know one thing

♪ Each time I find myself

♪ Flat on my face

♪ I pick myself up

♪ And get back in the race

♪ That's life

♪ And I can't deny it

♪ I've thought of cutting out

♪ But my heart,
it just won't buy it ♪

♪ And if I didn't think
it was worth a try ♪

♪ I'd hop on a big bird

♪ And then I'd fly

♪ I been a puppet, a pauper,
a pirate, a poet ♪

♪ A pawn and a king

♪ I been up, down, over, out

♪ I know one thing