All language subtitles for jay and silent bob reboot (2019).en.sdh

[vehicle approaching]

[gun cocks]

Oh, shit. Hey. Hey.
What's... What's this all about?

Hey. Whoa.
This is about Randall, isn't it?

Randall Graves?
I could take you to him.

Seriously, I can.

Listen, guys, I'm not even
supposed to be here today.

[man over radio] One out
of twelve. One out of twelve.

- Gun.
- [man over radio] Stand-by,

suspects operating
illegal marijuana dispensary

inside baked chicken
sandwich store.

[chuckles]
I love this shit.

I finally get to arrest
these motherfuckers.

- [smoke grenade fires]
- [glass shatters]

[smoke hissing]

All right, you motherfuckers.

I know you're in there.
Come out right now.

- Yeah.
- Woo.

[screams]

This is
the Leonardo Police Department.

You're under arrest

for suspicion
of drug trafficking.

Drop your plants now.

I said
drop the motherfucking plants!

I'm the boss.
He did what the fuck I said.

What the...
I said plants, not pants.

- There's nothing there, man.
- That is a white dude.

- What the fuck do you expect?
- There's nothing there!

What the fuck, Sarge?

This son of a bitch
doesn't have a dick.

He's got a fucking dick.
He just got it tucked in.

All right, Buffalo Bill.

Where's your buddy?
Mr. Silence of the Lambs.

["Goodbye Horses"
by Q Lazzarus playing]

Identify yourselves,
motherfuckers!

I'm Jay and this is
my hetero lifemate, Silent Bob.

♪ Good-bye horses ♪

♪ I'm flying, flying,
Flying over you ♪

Home sweet home, right?

Everyone say,
"Yay, it's Jay and Silent Bob."

- Well, just look at you two.
- Who the fuck are you?

I'm your lawyer.
That's who the fuck I am.

Did anybody ever tell you
how a courtroom works?

Okay.
In the criminal justice system,

the people are represented
by two separate

yet equally important groups.

Dude, we've seen
all the Law & Orders.

Oh, me too.
Dick Wolf is a genius.

I just love all of his shows
so much.

In fact, my Grindr name is
Dick Wolfer. Remember that.

Oh, I almost forgot.
Before I represent you,

I'm gonna need you to sign
these legal documents.

What? Read it first?

I mean, come on.
Who cares what that shit says?

Just sign it.

Yeah.

I can't believe that worked.
Well, perfection.

I hope you're both prepared
to go home today,

because I am the best lawyer
in showbiz.

Seriously,
I'm like the Dick Wolf

of getting guys off
with my mouth.

But that's why you hired me,
am I right? Or am I wrong?

But we didn't hire you.

- Small formality.
- [bailiff] All rise.

Thank you. Be seated.

Docket number 37,
People v. Jay and Silent Bob.

Jay and Silent Bob are back?

[groans]

[bailiff]
Charges are drug trafficking

and running an illegal
drug dispensary

disguised as a
chicken sandwich shop called...

[bailiff chuckles,
clears throat]

- ...Cock Smoker.
- [Judge Jerry chuckles]

[laughs]

Hello, boys.

If you two are here,
it must be a weekday,

but this isn't a court
appointed attorney.

I spy one of those lawyers
you have to pay.

How do your clients plead,
Counselor?

[lawyer clears throat]

Not guilty, Your Honor.

I guess the weed grew itself.

People on bail?

Hey, Jerry.

- How you doing?
- So we the people would hope

that Your Highness
would remand custody.

Cool?

And I imagine you see it
all differently, Counselor?

The Cock Smoker was neither

eatery nor dispensary,
Your Honor.

It was merely
a promotional pop-up shop.

This affidavit is
from a Hollywood

motion picture company
and this proves that my clients

were nothing more
than paid performers

for a real world
promotional stunt

in support
of a forthcoming movie.

- We are?
- Yes.

We are.

So I ask that all charges
be dropped since my clients

- are so obviously innocent.
- [Judge Jerry] Easy.

They may be obvious
but one thing I would not call

these two is innocent.

But for today, at least,
they are not guilty.

Jay and Silent Bob,
you're free to go.

- Case dismissed.
- [bangs gavel]

Holy shit.
What the fuck just happened?

I set you free, butterflies,
as promised.

Remember Dick Wolfer on Grindr.

[bailiff] Docket number 38,

Hollywood motion picture company
v. Jay and Silent Bob.

Who's here representing
Hollywood?

I am, Your Honor.

What are you doing?

[lawyer] This is only
my second case of the day

and to tell you the truth,
the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth...
[scoffs]

...I already need
a fucking drink. Jesus.

Can we get this going,
Counselor?

As you can see,
I have a ton of cases

that we need
to get through today.

[lawyer] Absolutely, Your Honor.
[clears throat]

Your Honor, my client,
Saban Films,

is seeking an injunction
against the defendants

for copyright infringement

of the trademarked intellectual
property Jay and Silent Bob.

Yo, this guy's lying,
Your Honor.

Me and Silent Bob
don't own any property.

We've never been intellectual
about anything.

Have your mouth take a knee.

Saban Films.

Didn't they make the
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers?

Oh, man. You ever see the one
where the red ranger

turns into the gold ranger?

- Dope.
- That was years ago, Your Honor.

Now they're more
of a multimedia company.

Oh. Does the multimedia combine
into a giant Megazord?

Oh, shit.

- [singing] ♪ Go, Power Rangers ♪
- Deep cuts, Your Honor.

Anyhoo, last year, Saban Films
acquired worldwide rights

to the campy old
Bluntman and Chronic movie

- for about $3,700 on Craigslist.
- They overpaid.

So, now, all the underlying
rights belong to my client,

including,
not only the titular characters,

but their supporting
secret identities as well,

the registered trademarks
of Jay and Silent Bob.

Ergo, Your Honor,
Saban Films owns their names.

What?

I said Saban Films owns
your names.

Is there any paperwork to back
up a claim this wild, Counselor?

Oh, yes, Your Honor.

I present contracts signed
by the defendants

giving Saban Films
total discretionary control

over the names
Jay and Silent Bob.

That's the paper we just signed?

Will the defendants please rise?

Oh, shit. We're the defendants?

This document confirms that
Saban Films does indeed own

the 2001 movie
Bluntman and Chronic.

What? That old ass star-studded
piece of shit?

That movie sucked balls.

Not just balls.
It sucked asshole too.

Your Honor, I object.

I'll allow it. That movie did
suck balls and asshole.

Jay and Silent Bob, you are
hereby legally prohibited

from calling yourselves
Jay and Silent Bob ever again.

[bangs gavel]

You're out of order!
You're out of order!

This whole fucking court's
out of order!

Somebody wants an Oscar.

["Social" by Squirtgun playing]

Why'd you move your store
to the mall?

[Brodie] Because apparently,
I wanted to be alone...

Snoogans.

Nah, rent's just cheaper here,

on account of
the mall is slowly dying.

The old girl's
on her last legs, boys.

So much so that you got to
watch out for all the mall rats.

I... I didn't see any kids here.

No, I mean the actual rats
we got running around

this abandoned shithole
of a mall.

Hit the deck, boys.

[rat squeaks]

Let me get this straight...

you guys got busted for running
an illegal pot shop

inside a fake
chicken sandwich store

and the Hollywood lawyer
you didn't hire got you off,

but then he somehow stole
your names?

And then the cops stole the weed
we were working out for years.

And all we got left
from the best bud in the world

are these three joints
right here

made from the flower of one
of the three strains of gold.

Huh. I knew you guys
were weed dealers,

but I never knew you were
weed growers.

Oh, we learned to grow

from watching our favorite movie
of all time,

How High with Method and Redman.

They're like the black Jay
and Silent Bob.

Holy shit.
You guys still rent DVDs?

Never heard
of Netflix and chill?

One time we Hulu and humped,
right?

But most nights,
we Redbox and jerk off.

So, how are you feeling
about being busted?

♪ The car to drive
What to drink ♪

♪ Ignorant bliss
No need to think ♪

♪ As Barb cakes fetus
On her face ♪

♪ Ken sucks blood
At his workplace... ♪

[phone dings and vibrates]

♪ They take from me... ♪

LOL.

[Jay] And on top of that,
the judge told us

we weren't even legally allowed

to be Jay
and Silent Bob no more,

because our names were bought by
some assholes from Sbarro films.

- You mean Sbarro's?
- Yeah, those pizza-making fucks!

All because of some stupid movie
that was made 20 years ago.

It's like,
"Come on already, move on.

The dishes are done, man."

Don't Tell Mom
The Babysitter's Dead.

- A Keith Coogan classic.
- Snoogans.

Well, you know, fellas,
I think your legal woes

have less to do
with the stupid old movie

that came out 20 years ago,

and more to do with the stupid
new movie that's coming soon

to a theater near you.

[Brodie] Oh, come on.

Don't tell me you guys
have no idea

there's a new comic book movie
being made

of the old comic book movie
you two are the basis for.

What, again?

And look, they took away my dick
and made me a girl.

I cannot believe they're gonna
remake this Bluntman bullshit.

Uh, it's not a remake,
it's a reboot.

What the fuck is a reboot?

Well, a reboot, boys,

is when Hollywood wants to make
a lot of money

without the hassle of creating
a new movie,

so they take an old movie
and change just enough

to make you pay for
the same shit all over again.

- Those greedy fucking animals.
- Oh, it's insidious.

They take a flick you loved
as a kid

and add youth
and diversity to it.

For example, name the movie
where a robot has secret plans

that could help the good guys
beat the bad guys

and their leader in a black mask

by blowing up a giant ray gun
in space.

- Star Wars.
- No. The Force Awakens.

See, now, that's what you call
a reboot. Nang.

I thought that was a sequel.

Hollywood doesn't make
sequels anymore.

Shit, they don't even make
squeakquels, yo.

Studios have given up
on new ideas entirely

in favor of building
multi-movie universes

that breed brand-loyal customers
from cradle to grave.

So if you like Harry Potter,
cashinigus,

you're getting ten fucking more.

You like The Fast and Furious
flicks,

we're gonna drive the franchise
into the ground, bitch.

Ooh, you want another
Marvel movie, here we go.

Hey, man, those Marvel movies
are a triumph of cinema.

I live on those Marvel movies.
I live for those Marvel movies.

I watch those Marvel movies
more than I watch Pornhub,

and I cum twice as hard
doing it.

- Dishes are done, man.
- Look, all I'm saying is,

if Hollywood doesn't start
making some original flicks now,

there's not gonna be anything
to be reboot in ten years,

then they'll just be rebooting
the reboots.

It's like we're reaching
point break for pop culture,

and it ain't gonna be
the good Point Break

with Swayz-dog and Keanu.
It's gonna be the remake.

Wait. What's the difference
between a reboot and a remake?

Well, I'm glad you asked, Jay,

because a remake is like
a reboot where the studio

doesn't care how the audience
feels about the original movie,

so, they just keep the title,
fuck up everything else,

and ruin both flicks
in the process, see?

Which is probably what
Bluntman v Chronic is gonna be,

because the director of this
impending abortion of cinema

is none other than
Kevin fucking Smith.

- Who?
- You know, the guy who directed

that Bruce Willis winner,
Cop Out.

That queef.

They still let him make movies
after that walrus shit?

What can I tell you,
in Hollywood,

people fail upwards.

I fucking hate
stupid Kevin Smith,

first, he took away our names,
then he took away my dick.

Well, we gotta stop
stupid Kevin Smith

from making another shitty movie

about Jay
and Silent Bob ever again.

Well, then, youse guys better
get your asses to Chronic-Con.

- And what the fuck is this shit?
- [Brodie] Chronic-Con,

when it started out, it was
a homegrown fanfest for people

who love that campy old
Bluntman and Chronic movie

with Jason Biggs
and James Van Der Beek.

Those guys, I saw them bitches
get beat up by a monkey.

But now, Chronic-Con's morphed

into an annual
pop culture convention.

I don't know how you guys would
even get in at this point.

Tickets are already sold-out.

Sold-out? After all these years,
what kind of broken fucks

still wanna watch this Jay
and Silent Bob bullshit anyway?

Well, enough to run
an Omaze auction

for a cameo in the reboot.

Hey, man, it's me, Kevin Smith.

You know, the filmmaker...

Look at this ugly motherfucker,
probably got a tiny dick too.

Now, I got some big news
for you, man,

we are shooting a key sequence
to Bluntman v Chronic

at this year's Chronic-Con, man.

This scene is so important.

We cannot finish this movie
without it.

So enter right now
and maybe I'll see you

this Friday in Hollywood.

Would you fucking stop?

Dick.

Hollywood,
where we struck back, yo.

Oh, you will never find
a more wretched hive

of scum and villainy.

But that “director” just said
they couldn't finish the movie

without the scene they're
shooting at this Chronic-Con.

So all we got to do is get
to Hollywood,

stop him from shooting
that scene and biggity bam,

Kevin James can't finish
the movie.

Ke... Never mind.

We got three days to get
to Chronic-Con,

take our names back, rescue
my dick from Kevin James

and stop this reboot
from ever happening.

Come on, Silent Bob,
we're going back to Hollywood.

And on that note,
we cue the music.

[imitating music]

[woman] Have a great flight.

Hi, there.
Welcome to Southbest Airlines.

How can I help y'all?

“Y'all”? What kind
of Jersey accent is that?

I'm from South Jersey.

Now, what can I do for y'all?

Two tickets to Hollywood.

In coach, I'm assuming.

That'll be 337 a piece, boys.

Oh.

How about we start
with y'all's names?

I am Don Juan Dela Nooch.

[chuckles]

And this is
Senor Roberto Silencio.

Those names sound
kind of made-up.

Listen, lady, our real names
are Jay and Silent Bob,

- but this morning...
- Yeah.

...Kevin James,
The King of fucking Queens,

stole those names.

I can't book y'all under your
fake names,

so why don't I try
Jay and Silent Bob,

which also sound
like fake names, I might add.

- [screen buzzes]
- [woman] Ooh, sorry, boys,

but it says here that you got
a wait problem.

[coins clatter]

- Weight problem?
- Mm-hmm.

Are you saying
he's still too fat to fly?

Are you fucking blind
as Anne Frank?

Silent Bob lost a bunch
of weight, lady.

He went all vegan and shit,
eating that v-gina.

- That's not right.
- I used to call him lunch box,

but now I have to call him
snack pack.

I used to say,
"Fly, fat ass. Fly."

Now I have to say,
"Fly, low-fat ass. Fly."

Let me make something
straight here,

I said, "Wait problem."

And the... problem is
that y'all can't fly,

because ya are
on the No-Fly List.

There is something here about
a terrorist organization

- called The Clit.
- The Clit's not real.

Says every guy I ever dated.

I'm sorry, but y'all can't fly,

because y'all are
on the No-Fly List,

but you know what you could do,

maybe you could
Ride Me Now instead.

Ride you now?

Ride Me Now is a ride-share app.

So you just do one click

and Ride Me Now
will send you a car

and that car will take y'all
wherever y'all wanna go.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well then, fuck your planes,
Joline.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Go fuck yourself.

[phone buzzes]

The app needs a credit card?
Dude, what are we gonna do?

You know what you do,
you go fuck yourself,

that's what you do.

No. You listen to me,
you call center Khalifa,

the dummy at the counter
couldn't find my reservation,

that's why you're gonna find
my reservation

or I'm gonna have
the both of you fired.

Someone should teach
that motherfucker a lesson.

All right. I'm gonna give you
the credit card number again.

I'm gonna read it so slowly

and out loud in public so that
you will understand.

All right. The name
is Ted Underhill.

Not Ed, Ted.

T... T... T... T.

And the number is nine...

five...

eight...

four...

Ted Underhill?

Yo,
I'm Ted motherfucking Underhill.

[car horns honking]

Wait. You wanna smoke
one of those unicorns now?

Dude, we only got
three left, man.

And after we smoke them,
they're gone forever.

Let's save them
for a special occasion.

I say we smoke
this little bitch.

Ooh.

Oh, come on, man.
I roll a perfect Silent Bob

and you're pissed about it?

This motherfucker belongs
in a museum, son.

Light it up.

I'm almost glad you guys
are smoking back there.

I was driving someone
about a week ago

and he took a, uh, big shit
in the back seat.

I had no idea until the next
passenger found it.

It was everywhere.

You have no idea how hard it is

to get the smell of shit
out of pleather.

I mean, it just stays there,
really, it's like a ghost.

You guys are my first two
passengers since that big shit.

I'm your driver by the way,
Todd Merkinsky.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, Merkinsky.
I will call you Merkin.

[chuckling]

Todd would be better.

Why does your car smell like
French fries, Merkin?

Because in my car, guess what
I have instead of gum,

I have tater tots.
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.

You got tater tots up
in this bitch,

where you'd get them?

Well, I'm a businessman,
an entrepreneur,

and, uh, I had a business idea,
teen girls love tater tots.

So I came up with Hater Totz.

Got a little, uh, quiz on there,

you know, is your BFF
really the bezt

and it's kind of like a,
I don't know,

TigerBeat
on a box of tater tots.

And those tween girls,

they still love that TigerBeat,
right?

[chuckles]
Right?

I'm wrong. I was very wrong.

Hater Totz means different
things to different people.

What do I mean by that?

Well, Hater Totz started
attracting a customer base

I never wanted or asked for...

white nationalists.

Can you believe it?
How did they even hear about it?

So, I shut down. I just declared
bankruptcy and now, well...

I serve these leftover
tater tots to all my riders,

F-O-C, free of charge.

Take as many tater tots
as you want,

eat all the tater tots you take.

By the way, I don't know
if my app is wrong,

but, uh, it says here you're
supposed to go to Hollywood?

All right. That's very,
very far. I'll make you a deal.

I'll drive you all the way
to Hollywood, California.

You give me a big tip
and some amazing feedback.

Deal-io Emilio.
Now, drive, Miss Daisy. Drive.

All right. Here we go.
Hollywood.

Hi. Remember me?

I'm Loki, the Angel of Death
from Dogma.

Now, if your kids are looking
at you right now like,

"That's not Tom Hiddleston,"

just tell them I was Loki
in the '90s, before it was cool.

And I did it
without the fake British accent.

Anyway, for 20 years now
people ask,

"What happened to Loki
at the end of Dogma?

Did he go to hell?”

Heavens no.

Pun intended. But I did almost
unmake existence,

so as punishment, God, who looks
exactly like Alanis Morissette,

banished me to life on earth
again,

but not Wisconsin this time.
Thank, Christ. No.

God dropped me
in the Mediterranean Sea

where I was rescued
by Italian fisherman.

I didn't even know
who I was anymore.

I had total amnesia.

So, after the events of Dogma,

I guess you could say
I was born again.

And what you're looking
at now is...

wait for it, my reborn identity.

Oh, shit. Pun game on point.

You just got touched
by an angel, son.

["Redemption Vibe"
by Clive Darien & more plays]

Anyway,
after driving for half a day,

Jay and Silent Bob
stopped in Chicago,

where their lives
would change forever.

♪ You better be ready
Without that trumpet sound ♪

♪ I know I'm the type
To sneak around n play around ♪

♪ Be ready ♪

♪ Because we're moving on
That town no more ♪

♪ Into Babylon we roam
You better be ready... ♪

Oh, yeah. Cha-cha-cha-cha.
Nice driving, Merkin.

Oh, thanks, Misters Underhill.

To be honest,
I'm glad you wanted to stop.

No offense, but, uh, your
cigarettes are kind of strong.

We ain't smoking cigarettes,
we smoking that weed.

You're smoking marijuana?

Ah, wow.

You guys are so brave.

I'm always scared to be busted
by the cops,

so I've never tried weed
my entire life.

♪ Let's get together
Make the locals stronger... ♪

What? Wait a second. Wait... No.
You wanna give him one of those?

You just heard the man,
he's never smoked in his life

and you wanna bust
his green cherry

with one of our last strains
of gold we have left?

Dude, what are you thinking,
bro?

Oh, Jersey Local 404.

Jersey makes,
the whole world bakes.

We feed every need for weed,
son.

Merkin, this is gonna change
your life.

Change it.

♪ I reach to find
Though have no return ♪

- ♪ The liberation of my people ♪
- There you go, boss.

♪ Is my main concern ♪

♪ Only if we come together... ♪

- [cow moos]
- [song plays]

- Yeah.
- ♪ M-o-o-b-y-s ♪

♪ M-o-o-b-y-s ♪

Fuck me up the vegan ass.
I'm gonna get my cow tipper on.

♪ Mooby's is the best
Yes ♪

♪ Mom and Dad
Let's go to Mooby's ♪

♪ Right now! ♪

♪ I want Mooby Mooby in my mouth
Go, go, go ♪

♪ I have Mooby Mooby
In my mouth ♪

♪ He fills me up with meat... ♪

Mr. Underhill.

- Mr. Underhill. Mr. Underhill.
- [banging on glass]

♪ ...down South ♪

♪ So, Master Mooby
You're the boss... ♪

Welcome to Moo-by's.

What are you
in the moo-d for today?

[song continues in background]

Let me get one of those
Moo-ilk shakes

and a cow tipper with fries.

And, oh, let me get one of those
fur burgers Brazilian style

for our chauffer outside.

Cool.

What?
You want me to order for you?

I don't want your v-gina
touching my burgers.

Come on, dude. That's why
you don't get laid, sir,

because women love meat
in their mouth,

and you ain't nothing
but a broccoli bitch.

So, if you wanna order
your healthy veggies,

open your mouth, do it yourself.
I'm gonna go drop a deuce.

You in the moo-d
for anything else?

[phone dings]

Uh-uh.

You did not just offer me
your old man dick.

Okay. Fine. Whip it out.
Come on. Just whip it out.

- Ms. McKenzie!
- What the fuck is going on here?

This old fool
just egg-planted me.

Uh, I'm 47 and I have no idea
what that means.

Now this dirty
old assfuck's in here

trying to show us his dirty
old-ass dick, Ms. McKenzie,

so bust his ass.

Okay, sir. You're gonna have
to come with me.

This way.

[man, on TV] Congratulations,
Flappy. You deserve it.

And now with the forecast,
here's News 10's meteorologist,

Justice Falcon.

What's the weather
going to be tomorrow?

We are gonna get so much rain,

I'm getting wet
just thinking about it.

["Keep on Loving You"
by REO Speedwagon plays]

Justice?

♪ You should have seen
By the look in my eyes, baby ♪

♪ There was something missing ♪

♪ And I meant
Every word I said ♪

♪ When I said that I loved you ♪

♪ I meant that I'd love you
Forever ♪

♪ And I'm gonna keep on
Loving you ♪

♪ 'Cause it's the only thing
I wanna do ♪

♪ I don't wanna sleep ♪

♪ I just wanna
Keep on loving you ♪

[guitar breakdown]

Holy shit, Silent Bob. Look,
it's my long-lost ex-girlfriend,

Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.

Oh, shit. Is he having a stroke?

Yo, Mary, I used to knock boots

with the weather lady,
all right?

So I'm gonna go find her

and I'm gonna give her
a warm front

with a possible low of 69.
Snoogans.

You want a burger for lunch?

Uh, no thanks.
I just ate some vegan.

[cow moos]

Yummy, yummy, yummy.

Holy shit, Merkin's gone.

That entrepreneurial fuck.

Ooh, and your dumbass gave him

one of the last three
strains of gold we had left.

Let's write him a nasty review.

Type this shit,

"Oh, motherfucker,
you're gonna pay.

You are the one
who is the Hater Tot.

Fuck your frozen food dreams.

Do you even know
what a merkin is?

It is a pube toupee.

So why don't you live up
to your name

and go sit on some bald dick.

[laughing]

Lady, lady, lady,

Jay and Silent Bob
are at your hizouse.

Holy shit.

Dude, she's so excited
to see me, she fainted.

Look at that shit, man.
When she wakes up, I'll be like,

"Come, son of Jor-El,
kneel before Zod."

["Like a Monster" by Sway plays]

♪ Like a monster
Now they can see me coming ♪

♪ And I only came to crush 'em ♪

[girl] Sleep, big boy, sleep.

♪ Get ready
For the main destruction ♪

Holy fuck!
[screams]

♪ Like a monster ♪

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck are you
even doing here, Jay?

I missed you,
Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.

Aw, you remembered.

- I missed you too.
- Yeah?

Old friend.

Old friend? No, bro.

I'm like a super friend,
all right?

A super friend
who wants to get back

inside the hall of Justice,
yeah.

Uh, okay. Sit down.

Okay.

I'm married, Jay.

Ew, you're fucking married?

- Yeah.
- What about us?

Us?

I haven't heard from you
in 18 years, Jay.

I mean, you never even came
to see me when I was in jail.

Oh, that's because they
wouldn't let us fuck.

Is that why you never visited?

[chuckles]
Oh, my gosh. And all this time,

I just thought
you were mad at me.

Why would I be mad at you,
Boo Boo Kitty Fuck?

Because I never told you
I had a baby.

Ew, you're
someone's fucking mom now?

Yes, you big goof.

And, uh, I thought you'd be
upset if you ever found out

who the father is.

Wait, why? Who's the father?
Is it Silent Bob?

[scoffs]

No, Jay.

It's you.

[phone dings]

I have a fucking kid?

We have a kid. A daughter.

I have a girl daughter?

Why the fuck didn't you tell me,
man?

We could've been a family
this whole time.

A family?

Jay, you're a great guy

and you have
a million-dollar heart.

A nickel head,
but a million-dollar heart.

All you ever needed in life
was Silent Bob and...

[chuckles]
...a good bag of weed.

But a baby needs a home
and stability.

I'm stable as a table.

Yeah. Right. What... What are you
doing in Chicago anyway?

Me and Silent Bob are going
to Hollywood

to stop these fuckers
from making a movie about us.

Sounds familiar.

Jay, you're a nice guy
and you're a lot of fun.

But if I'm being honest here...

uh, I really don't think
you're dad material.

But you're here now,
so maybe you should meet

the little girl who knocked
you out and tied you up.

I've always said her dad
took off before she was born,

so she'll have no idea
you two are related.

And I want it to stay that way,

so you can never tell her
who you really are, okay?

You gotta promise me
you won't say anything.

What are you telling me for?
He's the one with the big mouth.

Brace yourself. You're about
to meet our love child.

Uh, I think I'm gonna need
to see a blood test.

[Milly] Hello.

Mom, I told you
to leave these meth heads

tied up until the cops got here.

Okay.

I didn't call the cops

and these guys
are not meth heads, okay?

They only look like meth heads
because they're from New Jersey.

Boys, this is my daughter,
Millennium Falcon.

Dude, like Star Wars.

Milly, these are friends of mine
from a long time ago,

a long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away.

I almost killed the older one.

- Older one?
- [Silent Bob chuckles]

["I Saw a Ghost" by
the tenth playing over radio]

So you guys got names or what?

I'm Jay and... I mean...
[clears throat]

...I'm Ted Underhill and this
is my hetero-lifemate,

Mr. Taint.

Hetero-lifemate,
I got one of those.

This is my best friend,
Soapy Pia.

Ooh. Como estas, Soapy Penis?

Holy shit. It's Soapy Pia.

Say hi to my mom's

culturally insensitive, horrible

- friends.
- Millennium.

♪ Bring me back to you ♪

[chuckles]

Dude, this is like watching
your favorite movie,

The Quiet Place.

♪ Bring me back to you ♪

♪ You made your way into my life
Then you tried to hide ♪

Sorry, it's like watching
your second favorite movie,

The Shape of Water. My bad.

♪ Now I kicked you
Out of my life ♪

How could you let people
this stupid into our house,

let alone my room?

Uh, can they leave now?

[Justice] Ted and Mr. Taint
just wanted to meet you, Milly.

They're just passing
through town

on their way to California.

Wait. California?

Uh, yo, meth heads.

Where are you going
in California?

Oh, we're going to this
stupid convention in Hollywood.

Holy fuck. Are you talking
about Chronic-Con?

- Yeah.
- Language.

[car horn horns]

[Justice]
Oh, my God, Reggie's here.

- Who the fuck is Reggie?
- My better half.

Okay. I love you.

We'll call you soon as we land
in Machu Picchu, okay?

And I left you $200
in the fridge.

Now, say goodbye
to Mr. Underhill.

Goodbye forever, Methy Marvin.

It was so cool to meet you.

["Loser" by Moby Rich plays]

Okay. Um, I gotta go.

Let's go. I... I got to go.

- I love you.
- Love you.

It's fucked up enough
I had to meet my kid,

now I got to meet your husband?

Um, you're not meeting
my husband.

Jessie.

- Let's go.
- [Justice] Hey.

- You know I hate O'Hare.
- Mm.

But first, I...

Who the fuck are these guys?

Boys, this is Reggie Faulken...

my wife.

Wife? Holy shit,
you married a lady?

Ooh, a lady. I like him.
He's proper.

Reggie, this is Jay
of Jay and Silent Bob fame.

♪ I'll be okay ♪

- Oh, my God. This is him?
- [Justice] Yes.

This is
Mr. Cum Quick Thumb Dick?

- Shh.
- Oh, my God.

[Silent Bob chuckles]

I never ever thought I'd get
the chance to meet you.

You're like a living legend.

- For what?
- All the wrong reasons, bro.

♪ I'm a loser. Hallelujah ♪

♪ But I think I'm gonna be ♪

- Um...
- ♪ Okay ♪

...stop by on your way home
from Hollywood.

Maybe you and Milly can spend
some time together

before you head back to Jersey.

[car engine starts]

Fuck, man.
Last time we were in Chicago,

we couldn't find
Sherman, Illinois.

This time, I didn't get laid

because my fucking ex-girlfriend
has a wife.

This Windy City can blow me.
Let's go.

- ♪ I'm a loser. Hallelujah ♪
- Hello.

I know we only just met,

but I really feel
like I know you...

at least enough
to ask you a favor.

- You wanna ask me a favor?
- Mm-hmm.

Hold on a sec.

Holy fuck, man.

This is my first chance to act
like a real dad, Silent Bob.

Okay. What's the favor?

Can you take us
to Hollywood with you?

Fuck, no, man!

I can't be bringing private
school girls to Hollyweird.

It's a tough-ass neighborhood.

He said no.

Okay. Let's do this
the hard way, butt plug.

Either you take us to Hollywood
or I stab you both to death

on my own front fucking lawn!

And when the cops come,

I'll tell them it was an act
of self-defense

after you tried
to break into my house.

The home of Chicago's beloved
lesbian weather lady.

I'll get off like a porn star,

and you two will be dead
as dodos.

So I suggest you take out
your phone,

open your little fucking app,

and order us a car to Hollywood
right now!

Oh, you can't just go around
threatening people.

Don't tell me what to do.
You're not my father.

["Come My Way"
by Nappy Roots plays]

♪ Why don't you come my way?
My way ♪

♪ The doors are unlocked
To my place ♪

♪ It's like we all family
Anyway... ♪

I don't get it.

Why does the deaf kid
get to DJ instead of me?

Because Soapy has great taste
in music

and you're a fucking dildo.

What? She doesn't even know
what a dildo is probably.

Uh, I have two dildos
and a strap-on, so, yeah,

- I do.
- What are you, nuts?

You can't say strap-on
in public.

Man, you're just a kid.

Are you gonna be
this fucking annoying

the entire trip?
Because if so...

- smoke some of this shit.
- Holy shit, that's weed.

- That's right.
- Where'd you get it?

- From her.
- Where'd she get it?

Soapy lives on a commune
in Oregon where deaf people

grow the best weed in the West.

Deaf people know
how to grow weed?

I'm sorry, how old are you?

- Fuck you. How old are you?
- I'm 18.

You can't be smoking no weed
at 18.

I can. Watch me.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Don't... You're gonna break it.

- Fuck off my flower.
- Ow.

You know what? This is my ride
and I'm paying for it, girlie.

So if you don't put that weed
away,

I'm gonna kick your narrow ass
to the curb.

- Fine.
- [Jay] See? That's better.

All right? You're just a kid.

Why don't you eat
some candy or something?

Okay.

- Happy?
- Chocolate. That's better.

Way better than weed
for a little girl.

- Yeah. You want some?
- Shit, yeah. I love sugar.

Hmm.

You guys aren't gonna eat
any chocolate?

Oh, no. Um, I smoke my weed,
I don't eat it.

Punch Bar?

There's weed in that chocolate?

We... Holy shit. She poisoned us.

It isn't poison,
but it is potent.

And you ate, uh, 50 times
the recommended dosage.

[chuckles]
These old fuckers are gonna die.

Uh, you... You know what? No, no,
no. Calm down. Calm down.

You think we can't handle
edibles?

You think we can't handle
these silly-ass chocolate bars?

You're mistaken.

Can you believe these two?
Edibles ain't shit, right?

[Method Man] You got a blunt?
[exhales]

- [Redman] You got weed, brother?
- [laughing]

[Method Man] Back out
of the club, nigga.

Holy shit, Silent Bob,
look, it's Method & Red.

We got visitors.

I'm Jay and this is
my hetero-lifemate, Silent Bob.

Silent Bob, huh?

That's kind of hot. [chuckles]
That's your rap name?

We came here seeking advice.

Well, look no further.

Me and Red,
we got life experience.

Like they say on Reddit.
Ask me anything.

Okay, great masters
of the green.

I just found out I have a kid

and then that kid roofied us
with chocolates.

My advice, if you got a kid
that'll get you stoned...

Mm-hmm.

...have another kid
just like that one.

- Facts. Facts
- Just like that.

The thing is I don't know
how to be a father.

I didn't even know my own dad

and I don't know what dads
are supposed to do.

Philosophically
in a manner of speaking,

being a father does
not necessarily make one a dad,

- am I right, Doc?
- Guys,

anybody and I mean, anti-body...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...with cum...

Gi-gi-gi-gi-gi!

...can be a father.

But only love can make you
a dad, you understand me?

[Method Man] Okay. Wait
a minute. How you gonna talk

about love and you flinging cum
all over the place?

- That shit's unseemly, brah.
- Unseemly? God damn it, listen,

- you wanna be a good dad?
- Mm-hmm.

Then just think of all
the fucked-up shit

your dad did wrong,

'cause... look at you,
and do the opposite.

- Feel me?
- But I never met my own dad.

But you met your kid.

There you go. See?

You already a better dad
than your dad ever was, bruh.

Now, get the fuck out
and hit the road.

- Hit the road.
- The road.

- The road.
- The road.

- The road.
- The road.

- [Redman] The road.
- [Method Man] The road.

[Redman] The road.

Whoa, dude.

This isn't Hulu and hump day,
dude. Man, what if someone saw?

[Jihad] I saw you.

And I'm putting you
on my Instagram,

#whenoldpeoplefuck.

Holy shit, it's a terrorist.

Where? Where?
Where's the terrorist?

She's not a terrorist, you fuck.

[girl muttering]

But ironically
her name is Jihad,

so do with that what you will.

As-salamu alaykum.

That sounds like baby talk.

No, that's just talk, baby.

And by baby,
I mean oldest man I've ever met.

How old are these fuckers?

I'm pretty sure they were alive
during the '90s.

No way. That's before they even
built the internet.

Jihad, that was, like,
before they built the pyramids.

Jihad? Why does that name
sound familiar.

If you fuck with any of us,

I live up to my name and I put
you underground, Underhill.

Does every girl carry
a knife nowadays?

Well, in a world full of dicks,

knives really help a girl
make a point.

And if you had a daughter,
wouldn't you want her

- to carry a knife?
- Shit yes.

Shit, no, I have a daughter
and she scared me

when she pulled a knife on me.

[speaking Chinese]

What's this creepy Ring shit?

[speaking Chinese]

This is my not creepy friend,
Shan Yu, she's from China.

We picked her up in Missouri.

Missouri?
Where the fuck are we now?

Just outside New Orleans.

- We're in Connecticut?
- It's Louisiana, man, Jesus.

Louisiana?
How long was I asleep for?

- Eighteen hours straight.
- What?

I told you those edibles
were strong.

Dude, why didn't you wake me up?

We'll never make it
to Hollywood now.

[speaking Chinese]

- What the fuck?
- Shan Yu records

every interaction she hears
for her podcast,

which she uses to contextualize
life in America

for her audience in China.

The podcast is called

The American Entitled
and Their First World Problems.

Shan Yu understands English,
Mr. Underhill.

She just can't speak it.

Kind of like you actually.

Wait a minute,
where the fucks the car at?

Now that there are six of us,

we need a bigger whip
than Ride Me Now has,

so we're gonna get a van.

What are you, fucking dumb
or something?

How are you gonna get a van
in the middle of nowhere?

Thanks
to Operation Predator Editor.

[vehicle approaching]

Okay, places, everybody, places.

What the fuck is
Operation Predator Editor?

This is
Operation Predator Editor.

Phase one, Millennium
takes naked selfies.

- No, she didn't.
- She did.

For phase two, Millennium posts
selfies on pedophile website.

- What the fuck? Why?
- For phase three,

Millennium tells interested
pedophile with van

to meet her
here for a free ride.

Free ride?

Oh, nice outfit, man.

Oh, thanks, you like it?
Yeah, did you ever see

- Cannonball Run?
- No.

- The great Dom DeLuise?
- No.

That really fell apart
right there. [grunts]

You're pretty flamboyant
for a pedophile.

[screams]

You pedophile piece of shit.

[Jay grunts]

What the fuck were you thinking

getting in that van
with this guy?

I was thinking phase four.

Ted Underhill beats up
the pedophile

and we take the van.

["I'd Die Without You"
by P.M. Dawn plays]

♪ Is it my turn to push you... ♪

[speaking Chinese]

All right. What if I didn't get
to the van in time?

You saw what I can do
with a hockey stick.

I know how to handle myself.

Yeah. You grew up in a big house
in a rich kid neighborhood

and went to private school.

You have no idea how dangerous
people can be.

So true.

In Syria, a boy touched
my left nipple

and told everybody
I know about that shit.

I said dangerous, man.
Not bitch ass boys

who got to second base.

When my brother found out,
he tried to smother me

in my sleep with a pillow
for shaming my family.

So my mom sent me to America.

You know what, fuck
your brother, all right?

If the motherfucker tried
to smother me.

I'd kick his ass to Asgard
where Thor lives.

- No, Thor lives in my dreams.
- Mine too.

Every night after I fall asleep,
I fuck Chris Hemsworth.

Holy fuckhole, where did you get
such a damn dirty mouth from?

I'd put my damn dirty mouth
all over Hemsworth.

Yeah, and I'd be like,

"Give me that Hammer,
Odin's son."

Put it in my hands to see
if I'm worthy.

- You guys better stop.
- Oh, I'd never stop.

I'd fuck Chris Hemsworth
until I was Thor.

- [Milly and Jihad chuckle]
- What?

[man] Hi. Welcome to Mooby's
by the moonlight.

- Six cow tippers, please.
- We're vegan, bro.

I mean one cow tipper,
five milks.

We're vegan, bro.

Jesus, man,
just give me something

with no meat, please, fuck!

[speaking Chinese]

Can you stop being
so fucking creepy?

Hey, Underhill,

how about a little respect
for our guest of honor?

Shan Yu is the reason we're
doing all this, Mr. Underhill.

What? Operation Predator Editor?

No, jackass,
that mission's over.

We're onto the next mission.

Oh, let me see.

- Uh, no.
- You know what,

you're pretty ungrateful
for someone who needed my help.

[scoffs]

Needed your help?

[Milly sighs] I'm sorry,
did you seriously think

we were just hoping
for two old men to drop in

and ferry us to Hollywood?

No, we were gonna take my mom's
car the second she left.

We've been planning this mission
for months, bro.

[Jay] Holy shit,

you girls are international
diamond thieves, aren't youse?

I'm sorry, uh, diamond thieves?

Yeah. When I met your mom,

she told me her and her friends
were animal rights activists

and then they wound up being
international diamond thieves

who wore cat suits
under their clothes.

Any one of you girls wearing
cat suits under your clothes?

Um, okay. I don't know
anything about that,

but I do know that I'm
nothing like my mother.

Holy shit, yes, you are.
You're like a rebooted Justice.

I believe
he means to say remake.

No, I mean to say reboot,
all right?

Someone took all the things
I like about your mom,

changed them just enough to make
me pay for them all over again,

and added youth
and diversity to it.

So this van is not moving
until you tell me

why you wanna go to Hollywood
so bad.

Fine.

Shan Yu only has a week left
on her visa

before her mom takes her back
to China forever.

- So?
- So, you genital cuff...

her favorite thing in the world

is that old Bluntman and Chronic
movie.

Bluntman.

[Milly] And for years now,

she's been wanting to go
to Chronic-Con.

So that's why this mission
is so important.

Important enough
for a straight A student

to get in a shitload of trouble
and blow up her future?

God, you sound like my mother.

Maybe that's because I'm...

Maybe that's because I think
your mom's right, okay?

I've done a bunch of stupid shit
when I was younger,

but I did it with Si...
Mr. Taint here.

Not with a bunch of people
I don't know.

- Oh, I know these girls.
- [Jay] How?

How did you meet a deaf girl,

a Muslim who's brother
tried to kill her,

and a Chinese girl that I don't
even know where she's from,

but she's suspect.

And you're the only normal one
of the bunch.

Fuck you, you don't know me.

Uh, I've seen your life, kid,

you got two moms who love you
and you grew up in a big house,

you're not fucked up
like these girls.

I only know these girls because
I'm fucked up just like them.

How? How are you fucked up?

We met
in an online support group.

For what?

[crying] For girls who have
never met their fathers.

We don't know who our dads are.

They all left
before we were born.

You know... You know what, well,
fuck that, all right?

You don't need a father,
I didn't grow up with a dad

- and look, I turned out okay.
- No, you didn't.

And if you never really had
a dad then you would know

that there is no such thing
as okay...

ever...

because you will always
be haunted by a question

that you can't answer.

Why didn't you love me enough
to stick around?

Well, I knew your dad
a little bit

and, you know what,
you're better off without him.

Guy's a piece of shit.

[thud]

Holy shit,
someone's on the roof.

Merkin, what the fuck
are you doing?

Hater Totz filled with hate!

Hate!

Hate!

You got me arrested
with your grass, man.

And you gave me zero tip,

leave me these horrible reviews.
What is this?

"Fuck your frozen food dreams."
That is personal and mean.

To me! "Do you even know
what a merkin is?"

Very funny, yes, I do.
It's a pube toupee.

"Sit on some bald dick."
Who wrote that?

Who's the fucker who wrote that?

Do you think that's funny?
I am done losing at life.

Fuck you guys, the two of you.
No one is gonna make

Todd Merkinsky look like
an asshole ever again!

Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep,
sleep, sleep, sleep...

[tire screeching]

Hey!

We got a runner,
we got a runner!

Phase four, ditch old gay guys.
What the fuck?

We should still steal
Merkin's car.

We've been driving around
for hours, Silent Bob.

Where the fuck did they go?

Bro, are you serious?
You can't take a shit now.

We have to find the girls.

We need a fucking light.

Oh, man, it's the fucking Klan!

Dude, they ruin everything.
You distract these racist fucks,

while I hotbox them
with some berserker.

[Klan members cheering,
clamoring]

Peekaboo!

[Klan members laughing]

We always have
a good time with that, don't we?

Speaking of good times,

if you stick around
till the end,

we're gonna be
serving Hater Totz!

- [Klan members] Yeah!
- [Klan leader] Yeah!

Hater Totz! Who doesn't love
Hater Totz? All right. Okay.

Look what we found trespassing
in our backyard.

And you know what happens
to trespassers, right?

Can you dig it?

[Klan member] Oh, yeah.

- Can you dig it?
- [Klan members] Yeah.

[as Cyrus from The Warriors ]
Can you dig it?

[Klan members] Yeah!

[Klan member] I'm digging it.

[laughing]

Let me have your attention
for a moment.

You're talking about what?

You're talking about...
You're bitching about what?

- Are they all here?
- [Klan member] Hey!

- Who the fuck are you?
- I'm going anyway.

Let's talk about
something important.

Put that pitchfork down.

Pitchforks are
for Klansmen only.

[Klan member] Where the fuck
did you come from?

I come from downtown.

I'm here for Mitch and Murray.

And I'm here
on a mission of mercy.

- Your name's Legree?
- [Legree] Yeah.

You call yourself a Klansman,
you son of a bitch?

We don't got to listen
to this shit.

You certainly don't, pal.

Because the good news is,
you're fired.

The bad news is you've got,
all you got, just one week

to regain your jobs.
Starting with tonight.

Starting with tonight's shit.

[Legree]
Mister, what's your name?

Fuck you, that's my name.

A, B, D. A: Always, B: Be,
D: Ducking.

Always Be Ducking.
Always Be ducking.

All right, fuck face. I'll bite.
Ducking what?

- Kill these racist fucks!
- Hold on!

[screaming]

[Klan members groaning]

Now who's stupid,
you dirty sheepfucker?

Who in the fuck
are Mitch and Murray?

[knocks]

Holy shit. We made it.

[Jay] No, we made it.

You slept.

[Milly] You know, I got to
thank you, Mr. Underhill.

Not for just saving our asses
last night, but...

for helping us get here.

Technically,
you forced me to help.

Yeah, but for a good cause.

Well, if your dreams came true
it was all worth it.

[chuckles]

Uh, going to Chronic-Con
is Shan Yu's dream.

My dream is a little tougher
to make happen.

It's stupid, especially
because you said

the guy's a piece of shit.
But, um...

I've always dreamed
of meeting my dad.

Just hanging out.

Nothing monumental.

Just drinking coffee together
or something, like...

talk to me like he was my dad...

teaching me dad stuff.

That's really embarrassing.
It probably sounds like

the dumbest thing anyone
has ever said out loud.

Oh, I got something
that nobody knows.

God looks exactly
like Alanis Morissette.

I stand corrected.

["Good Morning"
by Pistol Beauty plays]

♪ Such pretty face ♪

♪ Nice to wake up
Next to you and know ♪

♪ It's a clear, clear case ♪

♪ Of love and I'm falling hard ♪

♪ Oh, don't you know
You got to stay ♪

♪ Stay with me
'Til the morning, honey ♪

♪ 'Cause good night, would ♪

♪ Never make me feel
As good as "good morning" ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

♪ Tell me good morning ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

Why are you dressed like
all these people?

All these people are dressed
like us.

♪ So, I wanna make it last ♪

♪ I wanna see the sunrise
With you, hold your hand ♪

♪ Get lost in your eyes ♪

♪ And kiss your sweet
Sweet smile ♪

♪ Lights up your face
Like an angel ♪

Happy Chronic-Con! Oh!
[blows raspberry]

Love the fucking cosplay,
you guys. Yes!

Silent Jay, I dig it.

Hello, everyone,
my name is Kuish.

You little kids looking
to mainline some of that...

That sweet ass, that bomb ass
dank Bluntman and Chronic merch?

Because we got Bluntman
and Chronic Funko Pops.

We got Bluntman and Chronic
action figures.

Did your mommy or daddy
just die?

We got a Bluntman
and Chronic urn.

Smoke 'em up, put them in.

Or check this out, go ahead
and show your pride

with our exclusive and inclusive

B and C LGBTQ...

tee. Check it out.

♪ I'll make you feel better than
Any other guy in the world ♪

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

♪ Oh, tell me good morning ♪

Good day. Chris Hemsworth
and, uh, I've been paid to...

To welcome you to the tenth
Annual Hollywood Chronic-Con.

Yay. Welcome.
Uh, now, full disclosure.

I'm not the real
Chris Hemsworth.

I'm only a hologram,
as you can see.

So, uh,
feel free to take selfies

with my holographic image.
Um, but, please,

and I can't even believe I have
to fucking say this,

but please do not
hump the hologram.

All right? Or you'll burn
your dick off or whatever it is

that you're thrusting
into the hologram.

So don't do it. Do not fellate
the hologram either, you know?

You might burn your mouth off.

And... And please don't record
yourself having conversations

with the holographic version of
me as if you're talking to me

saying things like,
"Oh, I'm gonna...

I'm gonna hump you
until you're Thor." You know?

Only my wife is allowed to
objectify me like that.

And I have no choice in that.
But I have a choice in this.

So don't do it.

Now, if you're looking for

all the big celebrity
guest panels, go left.

Uh, if you wanna be an extra

in the new Bluntman movie,
go right.

But whichever way you go,
uh, hope you have fun

at this year's Chronic-Con.
Because you're Hems-worth it.

Trademark, Chris Hemsworth.

Oh. We came a long way.

Let's do this.

Yo!

Where the fuck are you going?

Uh, we came to Hollywood
so Shan Yu could be an extra

in that stupid Bluntman reboot.
And that is this way.

And we came to Hollywood

to stop this stupid reboot
from happening.

And all the famous people
are this way.

Stop the reboot? Why?

It's a long story,
but it ends with us

kicking the shit
out of Kevin James.

Fuck Kevin James.
Kevin can wait.

What we're doing
is really important.

Uh, us stopping the movie
is the most important thing

we're ever gonna do... again.

Look, I have risked everything
to come here...

but it will be all be worth it

if Shan Yu can be
in that reboot.

So I guess...

I guess this is goodbye.

No. Wait a... Wait a minute.

This, um...

This is my legacy right here,
it's the last one

in the whole world...

and I want you to have it
to remember me by.

But when you smoke it

you're not gonna
remember shit, so...

save it for a special occasion.

Um...

I don't know a lot of stuff,
okay? But...

I do know this...

you're a great fucking kid
and some asshole

really missed out
on being your dad.

[crying]
Thanks.

[whistling]

[security guard]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are your badges?

Nobody gets in, as the French
say... sans badge.

Come on, you security dick,
what's the big deal anyway?

Security dick?

The big deal is we got America's
most precious resources

behind these doors.

Actors, actresses, directors,
podcasters,

they make us laugh,
they make us cry,

they show us ourselves.

And it's my job
not only to keep them safe

from their greasiest
nut bar fans

with the hammers of justice,

but also to meet every one

of their
borderline infantile needs.

Hey, security dick.

[security guard] Oh.

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's
Dead's Keith Coogan.

It's just Keith.

Thanks,
that's really hard to say.

The candy buffet ran out
of Swedish Fish.

[gasps]

So I guess... [clears throat]

...wait for it.

The fishes are done, man.

[laughing]

- Right?
- [security guard] Yeah.

Hilarious.

I have a question for the real
Jay and Silent Bob.

All right,
this reboot is bullshit.

Bullshit, what do you guys
think about this reboot?

I got... I got this one.
[clears throat]

Yeah, um, it sucks.

There, I said it.
Are you happy now, TMZ?

Dude, TMZ's not even here.

And who's directing this shit
anyway, Kevin fucking Smith?

[laughs]

Are you fucking kidding me?
This movie is doomed.

It is... I was in Jersey Girl,
okay,

- destroyed my career.
- Yup.

Bluntman and Chronic
was a cult classic, okay,

it doesn't need
a Kevin Smith remake.

Reboot.

How are you not pissed off, huh?

Kevin Smith
is literally shitting

in the mouth
of the original movie.

I think the movie
is gonna be great.

Why are you sucking
the reboot's dick?

They're not gonna put you in it,
all right.

They're never gonna call you,
Diplo.

- Listen, buttfucker.
- [Jason] Van Der Bitch.

Ooh, he called him
Van Der Bitch.

Interlopers.

Shit!

Of all said words, with tongue
or pen, the saddest of these,

they canceled Comic Book Men.

[screaming]

[Holden] Look at these
morose motherfuckers right here.

[Silent Bob gasps]

Smells like somebody shit
in their cereal. Bong.

[Jay] Holy fuck,

they got you mixed
up in this reboot shit, too?

You sound like my agent.

What are you two dirt merchants
doing in this neck of Hollywood?

Oh, I'll tell you what our necks
are doing in Holly's wood.

We're here to stop that
fuckin' reboot from happening,

so take us to Kevin James.

First of all, hi.

Nice to see you.

Been years, oh.

Nice to see you.

Good to see that one of you
at least is taking his age

and his health seriously.

Hey, what's with all the wires?

Are you trying
to destroy the stage?

Oh, just finished recording
a live episode of my podcast.

Holy fuck,
you got a podcast, too?

Is it to contextualize life
in America

- for your audience in China?
- What?

No, I interview people
in the funny book biz.

Since this is my first
Chronic-Con as guest of honor,

it's time I got someone else
to interview me.

Who? Banky fucking Edwards?

[Alyssa]
Not Banky fucking Edwards.

Alyssa fucking Jones.

It's fucking Finger-Cuffs.

- Oh, my God.
- [laughing]

Wait, what's so funny?

Remember Chasing Amy,
the classy book I did

after Bluntman and Chronic that
won me all the awards?

Anyway, Alyssa's turning that
book into a series for Netflix.

It was always a story that
should have been told

from a queer perspective
or a woman's perspective

or any perspective other than
a cis white man's.

Anyway we're laughing
because Netflix wants

an edgier title
than Chasing Amy,

one of their suggestions
was Finger-Cuffs.

You should text them a picture

of these two juggle heads,
and say they love your title.

Who are they? Harold and Kumar?

What? No. This is the actual
Jay and Silent Bob.

- What?
- Yeah.

Me and Banky used to buy weed
off these guys at Quik Stop.

That's where I got the idea
for Bluntman and Chronic.

Then the quiet one gave me
the title idea for Chasing Amy.

Come to think of it,
you motherfuckers

pay off like slot machines.

Save some new shit for me
to steal.

- [chuckling]
- [woman] There you are.

- Hey, hon.
- Hey.

- Hey, Holden. Great panel.
- Hey.

Um, she's looking for you,
again.

- Already?
- Yes.

- I'm off to release the Kraken.
- Sorry.

"Release the Kraken,"
what is that,

a sex thing
between married people?

Are you even remotely familiar
with the story of Chasing Amy?

You're in it. I know it's a lot
of words, but fuck.

No, she's gay, bro.

Okay, obviously
Alyssa and I aren't married,

married people don't like
each other. We're co-parents.

- Wait a second, you have a kid?
- Yeah.

Alyssa and her partner wanted
to have a baby

and since we've known each other
and, more importantly,

liked each other for 20 years,
they asked me to be the father.

Yes, you got to hit
that shit again, son?

I can see you've matured well.

No, I got to hit
the doctor's office

where I filled a cup.

We went in-vitro. Science, bro.

You know, a year later I met
a girl who loves me.

Who loves me.

She wants to know
who Daddy's talking to.

[Holden]
Hi, little pink sugar heart.

Say hi to Daddy's friends.

Daddy's known these boys
since he was little.

Boys, this is our daughter, Amy.

Dude, just like that story
you tell.

Say hello to Jay and Silent Bob.

Hi, Jay and Silent Bob.

Hi.

Whoop. [grunts]

[Alyssa] So you got her?
We're gonna go grab a smoke

and check out the cosplay.

Okay. Have fun,
thanks for the interview.

["Stay With Me"
by Mary Born plays]

So what do you think, kiddo?

Do you like
these stinky old fools?

[Amy] Mm-hmm.

Dude, how did something
so amazing

come from your funny book
making balls?

Well, it's a mystery to me,
too, G.

I'm a huge fan of the kid.

Bluntman's getting a reboot,
Netflix is making Amy.

People hate the present so much,

it's like they wanna
retreat into the past.

All of a sudden
all my old bullshit is back.

And some of that old bullshit
meant the world to me

when I was starting out.

But now that all my
childhood dreams

are starting to come true,

I mean, it's nice,
don't get me wrong...

that kid is just
way more interesting to me.

I used to think life
was all about me,

I was the hero of my own story.

A Bruce Wayne
of one life-long issue

of Detective Comics,
so to speak.

And then that kid came along
and suddenly you realize...

you're not Bruce Wayne anymore.

You're Thomas Wayne

or Bruce Wayne's mom,
whose name escapes me.

♪ Stay, and don't you ever
Run away... ♪

Anyway, I'm just here to set
the real story in motion.

Because once you become
a parent,

you're not the star anymore.
You're the stage.

I'm just here to prop up
my kid so she can put on

the show of her life,
like my parents did for me,

like theirs did before them.

And if you're lucky enough
to have a kid,

the tradeoff is you don't really
get a third act to your story,

because the story changes.

All of a sudden
it's not about you anymore...

for the first time
in your self-involved life...

that's okay.

Kids are like our reboots,

another chance to tell
a brand-new version

of the same old story.

I know I'm supposed to be
teaching Amy stuff,

but it's like I'm learning
from her every day.

So, spend my days chasing Amy...

so to speak.

♪ Stay with me ♪

Look. I know I dragged us all
the way to Hollywood

to stop this fucking reboot
from happening,

but I haven't been there
for Milly

her whole fucking life,
Silent Bob.

Sorry. Who's Milly?

And we came
to get our names back,

but I have a new fucking name,
Silent Bob,

and it's fucking Dad, okay?

And that will be the only name
I ever need again.

Yo, Bluntboy, you think you can
get us in the reboot shoot

in the ballroom?

- I'm guest of honor, bro.
- [gasps]

Thanks, bro.

- They're gone, girl.
- Where?

They're on the town.
It's just us.

We're the Just Us League.

What are you looking at me
like that for?

You're like,
"Oh, go fuck yourself."

Okay, Shan Yu. This is it.

Your dream
is about to come true.

VIP, out of the way,
out of the way.

[man] Watch your beard, man.

Okay, everybody.
Everybody, listen up.

We can't take any more extras.

Get out of here.

Uh, no. We're... We're next.

You... No, you're not. Okay?
Sign in is done.

Well, I'm not done,
motherfucker.

Did you not hear that?
Get out of here.

I'm done today
and you're done today.

[babbling]

Yo.

If we can't stop this reboot,

we might as well
watch this reboot.

Get your VIP badges right here.

One, two, three, four...

I've never been on a movie set
before.

Oh, we have. And movie people
are dicks, especially directors.

[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,

the director of
Bluntman v Chronic, Kevin Smith.

♪ Everybody spot a spliff
for the legend Kevin Smith ♪

- [music plays]
- Hey!

[cheering]

Oh, my God, man. Thank you
for fucking being here.

Number one, happy Chronic-Con,
everybody.

I don't know
if anybody knows this,

but last year,
I had a heart attack.

So, what I did
was cast the movie

with a bunch of people
who were sad that I almost died.

- I guilted the cast...
- [audience laughs]

...into joining the movie. So,
you know, SAG should give us

award for the guiltiest fucking
cast, man.

- [audience laughs]
- I hate this guy.

He forces his kid
to be in everything he makes.

Right now it's just an idea
in your heads,

"Ooh, what can this movie be?"

Fuck ideas. I'm from Hollywood.
That's what we say and shit.

So, what I'm gonna do,

we're gonna show you
an actual clip from the movie,

Bluntman v Chronic
right now, man.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Ladies and gentlemen,
Bluntman v Chronic.

Check this shit out.

[cheering]

Woo!

[dramatic music playing]

Bluntman!

[phone dings]

Holy fuck.

Oh, you're mad at me?

Lemme be blunt, man.

I liked you better when you were
silent, Bob.

[phone dings]

If you really wanna V,
I'm ready to blast your ass

- and kick you in the hater tots.
- [gasping]

[gasps] Merkin was right, dude.
"Hater Totz" does mean

different things
to different people.

[cocks grenade launcher]

- [grenade launcher fires]
- [grunts]

[coughs]

Oh, indica. You son of a bitch.

Smells like this reboot
went up in smoke.

- Alfred.
- Hi, man.

Sorry to How High, dude,

but this is now
the greatest movie ever made.

["Redemption Vibe"
playing in background]

When you said you wanted to V,
you meant vaping?

I thought the V was for versus.

- Stoners don't fight, man.
- No.

'Cause when you're baked,

you finally see all
the important details, you know?

You know what
I never noticed before?

This place is, like...
It's huge.

But, like, size is, like,
relative, man, you know.

You know, it's like little dogs.

They don't know they're little.

That's why they always start
shit with big dogs.

They don't get size, man.

Yeah. You know what else
they don't get? Money.

Try explaining money to a dog.

I have. It just looked
at me like, "Oh?"

I gave a dog a 20-dollar bill
once, man. It didn't work out.

- [laughing]
- [phone dings]

Hey, is this one of those
comic book movies, man?

[chuckling]

Oh, am I in Black Panther?

[grunts]

Oh, fuck.

- [cheering and applause]
- [man] Genius!

[woman] Wow fucking wow.

[man] Give that man an Oscar.

And that's just a taste,
ladies and gentlemen.

That's a soupçon.

Okay, the scene that
we're gonna shoot here today,

right now, is the invasion
of Chronic-Con, man.

So, give it up
for the contemptible

Cock Knocker Cockmandos,
ladies and gentlemen.

Look at that shit.
We spent so much money

on those costumes
it's fucking crazy.

So, the cast is fucking huge.

I'm still thinking about
putting my friend,

Jason Mewes, in it and shit.

And the jury is out
on whether I put my kid in it.

She's an actress now.

But I don't believe in nepotism
so I might leave her out of it.

Man, she can earn her own
fucking keep in Hollywood.

- Just so I can...
- What the fuck are you doing?

He kind of looks like
the director.

[Kevin Smith] ...is gonna be
in the actual picture.

My bad,
I forgot to say spoilers.

No way, man.
That guy wears jorts.

This guy would never wear jorts.

- What the fuck are jorts?
- Jean shorts.

[Kevin Smith]
That was our goal...

You stay here.
Wait for my signal.

[Kevin Smith] That's possible.

You, come with me.

[Kevin Smith]
...with the walrus movie,

but look at that.
Before we get started,

I have to go backstage

and take care
of some very important

director-type things.

But as soon as I get back, man,

we're gonna make some
movie magic together,

ladies and gentlemen.
Yes, movie magic!

[cheering and applause]

Where is my smoking jacket?

Did you see that crowd
out there, Mike?

Fuck, man. We're back, bitch.
Fuck Cop Out.

Thank you, my friend.

Mm, life is good.

Life is good and I'm now alone
and finally...

Mm.

Hey!

- Sleep, sleep, sleep.
- [choking]

Where's this signal at?

[man] I need to talk to him.

- He is occupied.
- [man] Who are you?

[Milly] He told me to tell you...

[man] He told you what?

- Those girls and that old man.
- He told you?

So...

the director stopped
speaking to me. Yeah.

I'm the first AD.

Right, so this whole thing
has gone off the rails.

This is a shitshow, worse
than House Party 4.

Trust me when I say that.

But he told some little girl
who I've never met before

to tell me to tell you that he
would like all of you diverse

and interesting young children
to get on stage with him today

and do this scene.

Hello, everybody.

I'm here because Kevin Smith
lost his voice.

[coughs]

Oh. But he asked me to tell you
to welcome to the stage

all the way from China,
Bluntman superfan, Shan Yu.

[cheering and applause]

Woo!

Come on. Come on.

[gun cocks]

[gasping]

Oh, holy shit. That girl just
pulled a gun on Kevin Smith.

'Cause she probably paid to see
Yoga Hosers.

That's not Kevin Smith.

Fist him.

Oh, shit.

The guy that's not Kevin Smith
just got fisted.

And he didn't even use
lubricant.

Throw that trash
into the garbage.

Commence collusion.

- [gunshot]
- [gasping]

So the fake Cock Knockers
are the real bad guys.

Fuck, this movie's hard
to keep straight.

What are you doing, Shan Yu?

Is it not as clear as vodka?

I'm not teenager from China.

[gasping]

I am secret agent from Russia.

One of them was wearing
a cat suit, I fucking knew it.

[Russian agent]
He smells American too.

Russia's infiltrated
American banks,

we have infiltrated
American elections,

and now, thanks to you...

we infiltrate American
pop culture conventions.

Why?

Take out your mobile devices

and broadcast
this historic moment

to the rest of the world.

What if
you only have a flip phone?

People of America...

I come in peace,
but director of Jersey Girl...

[Kevin Smith] Holy fuck!

Ow.

He will soon go to pieces when
I execute him live on internet.

[gasping]

Is this because
I'm a proud jorts wearer?

This because
you're standard issue,

overrated American pop culture
celebrity

who repeats himself
artistically,

if what you do
can even be called art,

and clings desperately
to past glory of 1990s.

You've been talking to my wife.

I'm not gonna let you do this,
Shan Yu.

But you helped me do this,
Millennium.

I catfish you and your friends

so I can harness
the liberal sympathies

of broken young women

who hoped to fill the deep
emotional void left by...

a sibling who tries
to kill you...

or the solitude of silence...

or worsen your privileged life
crying about the father

who left you
before you were even born.

Ooh, sick fucking burn, man.
I'll shut up.

[Jay]
Maybe her dad didn't leave her.

[Russian agent] What he say?

Maybe her dad didn't even know

he had a kid
until the other day.

What are you saying?

Jesus,
for a private school girl,

you're pretty fucking stupid.
I'm your father.

Oh, God. Wait.

- No way. No... No fucking way.
- Yes fucking way.

But I only found out the day
we came to Chicago

and I wanted to tell you
the whole trip,

but I promised your mom
I wouldn't.

But I'm telling you now,
because, sometimes,

breaking a promise is the right
fucking thing to do, all right?

Because if I kept every promise
I ever made,

you wouldn't be here,

because this one time,

I made a promise to your mom
that I wouldn't cum in her.

- What the fuck, man!
- Look, I'm sorry, all right?

I was only stalling
so I could get closer

to the guy with the big-ass gun,
now!

Yes!

- Here comes... ♪♪♪
- [grenade launcher clicks]

This fucker's fake, dude.

Why would it be real?

No!

Don't any of you
cosplaying cocks have some

- real fucking guns? What the...
- [Russian agent] I sees him...

- Let him go!
- Nyet.

Before we execute Kevin Smith...

Fuck.

...first, we execute
this old degenerate.

- No!
- Old? Man, fuck you!

I give big daddy a moment
to offer his newfound daughter

any last heartfelt words
before we stop his heart.

Kid, I'm okay with dying
right now,

because I know a small piece
of me is gonna live on in you.

Not if they fucking kill me too,
you idiot.

Holy shit, you're right.
Somebody save me!

[thud]

What was that?

Ooh, you made him mad,
he's mad now!

[thud]

[agents speaking in Russian]

- What is that, Ted Underhill?
- I am not Ted Underhill.

Oh, fuck.
He's got a secret identity.

- Allow me to introduce myself.
- [thud]

- I'm Jay...
- [thud]

...and this is
my hetero-lifemate...

Iron Bob!

[Russian agent]
It's Robert Downey, Jr.

- What?
- Oh, Marvel gonna sue somebody.

[Russian agent]
Shoot the tin man.

Shoot! keep shooting!

[groans]
Dasvidaniya!

Yeah, Iron Bob!

[Russian agent]
For Mother Russia! Ow!

We know that guy.

Holy fuck! I can't wait until
they make him a Funko Pop.

[speaking High Valyrian]

Oh, my God, he just spoke
fucking Valyrian!

I'll fuck anything that moves!

Eject!

Holy shit, this shit's
fucking bananas!

Go! Hadouken!

Man, I smell some
fucking good weed,

that's some of that
dank-ass shit,

knock a motherfucker out
just like that. Like I said...

[sniffing]

[Russian agent] Oh, shit.
I've been drugged. [groans]

That's strong shit.

Hey, little girl.
Can I buy some weed from you?

I'm busy.

- [screeching]
- [all groaning]

My precious podcasting ears!

- Fuck!
- It hurts, Yes?

That's because this is
not a podcast recording device.

It is KGB sonic disrupter.

- You suck!
- [laughs]

[speaks Russian]

Fuck, yeah!

Let's get aggressive, girls.

[yelling]

Fuck.

[grunting]

That joint you gave me
really came in handy.

Whatever you do, don't tell
your mom I gave you weed.

Oh, my God, I fucking love
this reboot. Oh, shit.

All right.

So right about now, man,
we finished up

all three acts of the story,
all the main characters

are where they need to be...

all that's left is the emotional
denouement.

In order to get there,

maybe I'll start
a slow dissolve right about now.

So now what do we do?

I wanted to talk to you
about that.

Um...

I've never had a kid before.

It's okay, I never had
a dad before.

Yeah, but the thing is...

Is I don't know if I'm ready
to be somebody's dad.

Save it, old man. I...
I get it.

Like I was saying,

I don't know if I'm ready
to be somebody's dad,

so I wanna practice.

And so I figured, why not start
off with a dream I always had

of drinking coffee with my kid

and teaching her stuff
that she doesn't already know.

Like dad stuff.

Okay?

["Daughter"
by Pearl Jam playing]

Okay. I've hung out
in front of this store

almost my whole life.
My advice, don't do that.

Not for a while.

First, find a best friend

you can have
a whole lot of adventures with.

But pick a good listener,

someone that always
has your back

even when he's standing
right next to you.

♪ Young girl ♪

♪ Violins ♪

♪ Center of her own attention ♪

♪ The mother reads aloud
Child tries to understand it ♪

- ♪ Tries to make her proud ♪
- [phone dings]

♪ The shades go... ♪

But don't worry about fucking up
in life, okay?

Silent Bob always says,
"Failure is success training."

How come you aren't the most
successful man in the world?

I am today.

♪ Don't call me daughter
Not fit to, not fit too... ♪

All right, enough of that
mushy stuff.

Um, we have a whole lot
of catching up to do, kiddo.

- Alright. You ready?
- Let's do it, Dad.

Okay. So, one time me
and Silent Bob went

to this mall, right? And then,
a couple of years later,

we fought these renegade angels
and met God herself.

And even though me
and Silent Bob saved the world,

all these Catholics got
pissed off at us anyway.

Fuck them if they can't take
a joke.

Snoogans.

Oh, my God, you're learning,
snooge.

All right. Anyways,
after all that angel stuff,

me and Silent Bob went
to Hollywood.

That was the first time we went
to Hollywood

where we met your mom
and a monkey named Suzanne.

Yeah. She still sends us
Christmas cards every year.

My mom?

No, the monkey. Oh, and then
the Quik Stop burned down,

which is right around the time
me and Silent Bob went to rehab.

Why'd you guys go to rehab?

We got caught driving around
with deployed airbags.

♪ Not fit to ♪

♪ The picture kept
Will remind me ♪

♪ Don't call me daughter
Not fit to be ♪

♪ The picture kept
Will remind me ♪

♪ Don't call me ♪

[record scratching]

["Drinking Blunts"
by MC Chris plays]

♪ Drinkin' blunts, smoking 40's
Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪

♪ That's what this kid
Does for fun ♪

♪ Pour some smoke
Into that cup ♪

♪ Drinkin' blunts, smokin' 40's
Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪

♪ That's what this kid
Does for fun ♪

♪ Pour some smoke
Into that cup ♪

♪ Like this beat
And how it bounces ♪

♪ Don't smoke trees
We smoke tree houses ♪

♪ Break them bushes
Shred them shrubs ♪

♪ Can't match the passion
Well, I match these nubs ♪

♪ Wreck them trees
Like Iron Giant ♪

♪ Taco Bell is where
My time went ♪

♪ Would you like
A fiesta bowl? ♪

♪ Christopher wants
A siesta bowl ♪

♪ Low rider liked it
'Cause it bounces up ♪

♪ Now roll that window
Like a basket bruh ♪

♪ Hey snickerin' clown
Put your licorice down ♪

♪ It's just like a joint
But it's bigger and brown ♪

♪ It's a blunt, but yo
We don't smoke them ♪

♪ We soak them
With our 40's open ♪

♪ Actin' loopy in our hooptie ♪

♪ Sippin' on our
doobie smoothie ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ That's right, y'all ♪

♪ Smoothies with weed in them ♪

♪ Drinkin' blunts, smoking 40's
Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪

♪ That's what this kid
Does for fun ♪

♪ Pour some smoke
Into that cup ♪

♪ Drinkin' blunts, smokin' 40's
Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪

♪ That's what this kid
Does for fun ♪

♪ Pour some smoke
Into that cup ♪

♪ 40 shorty suck a titty
It ain't pretty in Cloud City ♪

♪ Billy D and 45, pour that shit
And watch it rise ♪

♪ Christopher B is sayin'
What's in this? ♪

♪ Christopher Lee is drinkin'
Old English ♪

♪ Budweiser, St. Ives, MGD
And a Billy Valentines ♪

♪ Turn it counterclockwise bring
The weed if you're holdin' ♪

♪ Ain't heard me girl
You put a shit in a cold... ♪

Holy shit, dude. She uses Jaws

as a unit of measurement,
just like us.

Stars are similar to Jay
and Silent Bob,

- aren't they?
- [laughing]

Um, I love watching the...
The work, you go,

"Oh, fuck, I stranded myself.
How do I not say 'us, '

anything but 'us, ' if I say 'us'
they'll kill me."

[Kevin Smith] It's called
Jay and Silent Bob Reboot,

and you're a huge character...

- Wonderful.
- ...in the whole thing.

- Oh, great, I can't wait.
- So, we're...

I'm... I'm put... Doing it here,

- so, you have to...
- Right.

- ...agree to do the movie.
- [applause]

Can't we do a little of it now
and stop wasting time?

- Go to that place.
- All right. Here we go.

- Action.
- Action.

Hey, fella...

[laughing]

You already broke character,
Lee.

What the hell?
We're burning film, man.

Hey, fella.

[laughing]

How do I get to...
[chuckles]

How do I get to Comic-Con?

This is why I only cast you
in one movie,

you can't get through a line
without laughing at me.

[laughing]

No, but we got to be serious...
This is a serious thing.

Here we go. And take two.
And action.

Hey, fella.
How do I get to Comic-Con?

- Well, then respond.
- Silent Bob.

Oh, you don't talk?

[crew laughs in background]

- That's the smart thing.
- Get the hell out of my scene

and get me Jay.

How High is our Bible, man.
Me and Silent Bob modeled

our whole fucking lives
after Silas and Jamal.

I'm a smooth pimp who loves
the pussy, and lean n mean here

is my botanical BFF. What?
Ooh, popcorn playa.

This affidavit is
from a Hollywood

- motion picture company.
- Hollywood, Florida?

Hollywood, California.

Oh, that one?

Two tickets to Hollywood.

- Hollywood, Florida?
- No, Hollywood, California.

Oh.

Says here you're supposed to go
to Hollywood?

You mean Hollywood, Florida?

No. Hollywood, California.

[groans]

Jay and Silent Bob, uh, spent
so much time on themselves

that they should pay us rent.

- [Judge Jerry chuckles]
- I knew I'd get you.

Why are you prosecuting?
You should be a stand-up.

I have a show this weekend.

- I'll definitely come out.
- Okay, great. I'm gonna...

- I'll text you later.
- Can I object?

Ooh, my daughter, Banner,
she's fighting with Renee

and keeps sending
the most delicious texts.

Listen. "Dear Sega Boy."
Snoogans.

"How am I supposed to grow
as a woman when Mom is always

standing on my fucking dick?"

- Wait, your daughter has a dick?
- No.

But she sure can be one
to her mom and I love it.

You see, kids, teenagers
are like The Incredible Hulk.

Normal one minute,
a rage of emotions the next.

You'll see one day when one
of you guys has a kid.

Probably the quiet one.

Shit. No female swipes right
on Groot here.

And I was always so worried that
I would get a female pregnant.

When I did have sex,
I'd pull out,

run to the other side
of the room,

and I bust a nut
in my jacket pocket,

just to be safe.

How High is the greatest
movie ever made.

Me and Silent Bob modeled our
whole fucking lives after it.

Okay, wait a minute. Are we...

Are we talking about the same
How High here? The movie?

The one we're in?

Yeah, the one we was in,
goddammit.

See? I told your black ass

that How High would age
like a fine Chablis.

Uh-huh, I'm not a pedophile.
I'm here on the behalf

of a man you might know,
Mr. J-E-S-E-S, Jesus.

I'm a Christian vigilante,
they call me the Holy Roller.

- [laughs]
- Super cool.

This guy's a fucking idiot.

Who's been our ally
this entire trip.

[Milly sighs]

Especially when he saved
our lives.

This conversation really
does not pass

the Bechdel Test right now.

Holy shit, dude, it's them.
They're here.

Jersey represent.

Wait, you don't recognize us?

You almost beat me up
when I was a kid,

because I said an unkind word
about Morris Day.

That's you guys?

What, do you guys work here
or something?

Dude, we're the Kush Boys.

Dude, like, you own
all this stuff.

Yeah, we took a page
out of your book.

We stopped buying weed,

started selling that shit
instead.

Hey, thanks to you guys,
we are financially thriving

- in the cannabis space.
- We're weed millionaires.

So that means we get
some free weed?

- Fuck, no.
- No, that will be 200 bucks.

Dude, I've always
wanted to do this.

"Two hundred bucks, little man."

"Put that shit in our hands."

Fair enough.

Dude, there is more lens flare

than a J.J. Abrams movie
in here.

I hate all of these fuckers.

Hi.

Um, can my friends and I
cut the line?

- Fuck no.
- Yeah, what she said.

Happy Chronic-Con.

How's The Walking Dead
gonna end?

Oh, um,
Carol actually eats Daryl?

Fuck. No...
Carol turns into a walker?

Uh, no. She just eats Daryl.

Oh, fuck. Uh, spoilers,

I'm really sorry about that one.

[screams] Fuck!
What the fuck was that for?

That's for killing
Glenn and Carl!

Oh, fuck. Fair enough.

This reboot is doomed, man.

Maybe it would've had a chance

if they got Kevin Smith
from the '90s,

back when he had the juice
to get Affleck in his movies.

Ew, wait. Didn't he make
that Jersey Girl movie?

Yeah, I wasn't a fan,

but Affleck was the bomb
as Batman, yo.

Word, bitch! Bat-fleck
like a motherfucker!

Ah ha! What's up now?

- [beeps]
- [whirring]

Oh, hello again. Still just
a hologram, same rules apply.

Don't fucking touch me.
Now, if you're looking

for the Bluntman v Chronic
shoot, go left.

But if you're looking for, uh,
I don't know, some version

of completing your character
arc and becoming the superdad

that your daughter never really
knew she had, go right.

If I was in this movie, um,
I know which way I'd go.

Straight out the door.
[chuckles]

Let's be honest,
I wouldn't be in this movie,

I'd never be in
this fucking movie.

I got, like, 37 franchises

and honestly, I don't really
need another one.

Anyway, dishes are done, man.
Here we go, bye-bye. Peace.

Where do you think you're going?

Yo, we got badges now.

"We have badges." Stop
butchering the English language.

And I don't care.
You're getting the bum's rush.

Wait. Are you a chocolate fan?

Not that it'll change
your fortunes one iota,

but since I'm not a Nazi robot,
yes, I like chocolate.

Well, this is the best chocolate
in the whole wide world.

Bullshit.

Give me that.

Punch, edible's...

[Kevin Smith] Holy fucking shit.

Where did these people
come from?

Hey, kids! What the fuck
is going on here?

They're the contest winners.

Their prize is a walk-on
in the movie.

- This movie?
- Yeah.

They should have held out
for a way better movie,

- am I right?
- I totally agree.

Man, fuck you.

Hey, kids! Man, I'm gonna find
a way to get you all

into an uncuttable cameo
in the movie, man.

All right. Emily, fuck off!
We're trying to take a picture.

All right, kids. All smiles,
big, wide eyes. Here we go.

Excuse me. Hey, kid!

You ruined
my fucking movie career,

- you know that?
- Um, I've seen

your flicks, Smitticles.

You killed
your own movie career.

Oh, my God, you little monster.
Who raised you?

[cheering]

I'm so done with Kevin Smith.

[man] Fuck.

Oh, you see that guy over there?

For 25 years, we've been coming
here every night

and putting gum in the locks.