All language subtitles for Schitts Creek s06e01_English

A POP Original Series

Alexis: [Frustrated grunts]

[Struggling grunts]
Agh!

Agh!

- Are you sure you don't
want any help with that?

- I fit my high school best
friend into a suitcase

way smaller than this when
we were crossing the border

between Laos and Vietnam,

so I'm pretty sure
I can figure this out.

Ooh, I can't wait to get
to the Galapagos and like,

breathe the sea air
and get my--

- Beach curls back.

Yeah, you've mentioned that
a couple times.

- Are you still trying
to close that thing?

- Agh!
- Boys, it looks like

I won't be able to see that
wedding venue with you today,

your mother's had a bit
of a relapse.

- Take it the "Crows" movie
is still shelved.

- I'm sorry, we've started
looking at wedding venues

and no one chose to tell me?

- Touring a wedding venue is
an incredibly intimate thing

and we wanted to keep it small.

- You invited Dad.

- Okay, I don't know what that's
supposed to mean, Alexis.

Moira: John, something's
happening!

- Coming, Moira.
Don't make any sudden moves.

- Okay, you should probably
stay here.

- No, you shouldn't-
Okay.

[Rattling]

- John, remind me
to reprimand that latch,

it's been awfully moody today.

- Well, good-good morning,
Sweetheart.

Look who's come to see you.

- Finally. I'll have
the continental breakfast

with the fresh-squeezed
grapefruit juice.

- [John chuckles]
- Orange Pekoe tea.

- No, Moira, Moira,
it's-it's David and Patrick.

- Um?

- Don't we have something
we want to say?

- Yes, thank you, John.

Sadly, I won't be able
to squire you

for today's wedding venue
peregrination.

- You invited Mom?

She's literally been asleep
in a closet for a week.

- Just know that missing this

will be the heavy-hearted
part of my day.

- Okay, does nobody care
that I'm going to be gone

for six months?

- Yes, of course we care,
Honey.

Don't we, Moira?
- Take me with you.

- Okay. On that note,

I think we should get you
out of the room.

- Alexis, you are more than
welcome

to come see the place with us.
- Thank you.

That actually works out super
well for me

because you guys
can just drive me

straight to the airport after.
Hm-hm-hm.

- See what you've done there?
- Yeah.

- Mhmm. Out. Out, out, out.

♪♪♪

[Fire alarm beeping]

- John! Can you turn off your
alarm?

[Frustrated exhale]

David! I've asked you
not to over indulge

in that smoky cologne,

it's enough to give someone
a seizure!

[Coughing]

Is someone vaping?

[Doors rattle]
Oh no, not now!

Help!

[Panicked] Alexis!

No, this is not,
this is not how I go!

Somebody help!

- [Coughing] Moira!

- Oh, Stevie, thank God.

I'm being annulled by
a chancy door clasp!

- Okay, hang on.

- Ahhh!

- Okay, all right,
all right, okay.

Up, up. There we go.

Jeez, Moira,
I wait 'til at least 10:30

before I have my first beer.

- Oh, my legs are in slumber.
Carry me.

- Oh I can't--

Oh jeez, okay. Hang on.

[Effort grunt]

You know, Moira, if Johnny
locked you in that closet,

we're going to have
to call the police.

- Oh wait, wait, wait, wait.
My babies--

- No, your kids aren't here.
- My girls.

- What girls?
- My girls.

Lorna, second from the left.
- Okay.

- If she takes on smoke,
she'll never recover.

- Okay, this? This one?
- And Cindy!

Cindy, below her. Cindy,
I just gave her a blowout.

[Car rumbles]

[Engine cuts-out, doors open]

- Wow.
This place looks nice.

- Yeah, it's the only venue
for miles

that doesn't look like
a crime scene

from a missing person
docu-series.

- Uh, so no one thought
to tell me

I still have my show
makeup on?

- I thought that was a choice.

- Yeah, I left Stevie
double-fisting drinks

in a hot tub at the cabaret
wrap party last night.

- I think I saw you
triple-fisting at one point.

- Ah, welcome
to Elmbridge Manor,

and you must be the happy
couple.

- Oh no, not quite.
- God, no.

- Oh, ladies, I'm so sorry.
Congratulations.

- Champagne?
- Oh, thank you so much.

- Thank you.
- Mhmm, hi. [Laughs]

David Rose.
I'm the one getting married

and this is my partner,
Patrick.

- Hi.
- So.

- Gentlemen, please forgive me.
I looked at your friend's face

and thought someone had just
come from her make up trial.

Now, if our grooms and the...

uh, other couple
would like to follow me,

I will begin our tour.
- Wonderful.

- You look great.

[Birds chirp]

- All of our catering
is provided

by the neighbouring farm.

We have fresh cheeses,
breads, meats.

Oh, now I do apologize
if the peonies back there

were a little overwhelming,

it rained last night
and they just bloomed.

[Water splashes lightly]

- It's perfect.

- David, I know you've made me
relinquish most,

if not all of the wedding
planning to you at this point,

but for what it's worth,

this place is beautiful.

- I think this is it.
-Mhmm.

- I think this is it, guys!

- See, David?

Imagine if I wasn't here
for this moment.

- Mhmm, okay.
Glad you're here.

- So, do we have a winner?

- If you're happy, I'm happy.

- We have a winner, Clive!

- Yes!
- [All laugh]

- It's a hell of a story,
Johnny.

So I'm next door,
I'm cleaning the bathroom

and I want a snack.

So I grab some of those jail
time toaster pops

and I put them in the toaster,

and suddenly there's a fire.
- Oh, Roland.

- Why do they call them toaster
pops

if it says on the box,
"Do not toast"?

- How mercurial is life?

We all imagine being
carried from the ashes

by the Goddess Artemis

and here I get a balatron
from Barnum and Bailey.

[Small laugh]
- Okay.

I, I have no idea
what that means,

but it doesn't sound good.

Okay, I'm gonna go to lunch.

Gotta get this burnt toaster
pop taste out of my mouth.

Excuse me.

- Moira. I'm just glad
you're okay.

- Hm.

- And first thing
in the morning,

I'm going in and I'm fixing
these latches.

- No need, John.

I have been gifted
a smoke signal

and you will never again find
me back in the closet.

- Well, why don't we take
this one step at a time?

- This may come as a shock
to you, dear, but...

I don't believe my career
has been that kind to me.

- What?
- I all but perished

in the name of an unrequited
love

for an industry that has burned
me over and over again.

- It's been difficult watching
you go through this, Moira.

- I know you'll want to fight
me tooth and nail, John.

It's time my career
took its final bow.

- Now, if, if...

if that's what you want,
Moira,

just know that I'm here
if you need me for anything.

- Oh, I have never needed less.

Shall we take lunch outside
today?

- What a great idea.
- Lay a blanket somewhere!

- If you're feeling up for it,

I mean I, I, I know you're
still a bit shaken.

- That's just it, John,
I have never felt more lucid.

- I'll fix a basket.

- And I am including that
Peruvian ayahuasca retreat

we embarked upon
with Al and Tipper.

- Okay.

- [Satisfied exhale]

[Classical music plays]
[Camera clicks]

- Okay, smiles over here please.

Ted wants to know
what we're doing.

Okay, like, a little less eager
and maybe one without Stevie.

No offense.
- All right. Alexis,

could you put the phone down?

You're gonn be spending six
months with Ted,

I think the two of you can
chill for a minute.

- Okay, this is our pricing
guide.

Starting with our gold,
silver, and bronze packages.

But, as you'll see,

we can really accommodate
almost any request.

- Are these in dollars?
- Hm.

- Okay, um...

is there a package lower
than the bronze package?

Perhaps a copper package?
- [Laughs] No,

we can't accommodate that.

- Did you not ask to see
the prices in advance?

- They don't provide--

- We don't provide pricing
in advance.

- Well, now we know why.

- This might be the worst day
of my life.

- Okay, look.

You're clearly very desperate

and I'm feeling terribly
for you.

- I don't love the way
you phrase that.

- Now, we did just have
a cancellation earlier

in the week for a Sunday
afternoon.

- Sundays are good.
- We can work with that.

- Now, the first Sunday
of every month

is discounted already

and we're unlikely
to find someone else

this late in the game.

So, I would be happy to offer
you an additional 30% off.

- Oh my God!

- Yes, but the only problem is:
it's a month from today.

- This is basically free!

- David, that's not enough time.

We need to give people notice.

- Uh, I planned my ex
girlfriend's intervention

in less than an hour.

Plus, it'll weed out all
the dead weight.

- Um... I will not be here
in one month,

so I guess that makes me
the dead weight?

- I'm feeling a little tension.

- We're gonna find another
venue, okay?

We can't get married
without Alexis.

- Why? She's the one that can't
wait to get out of here.

I once dated someone who left
me for a stuffed animal.

I'm not having my big day--
- Our--

- Our big day compromised

because Alexis wanted to chill
in a tankini for six months.

- [Shocked scoff]
- [Hard exhale]

- Honestly, David,

if this is the kind of bride
you're going to be,

I'm glad that I'm leaving.
- Wha-?

- And I would never
wear a tankini!

- Uh, just so you're aware,

that is house made bacon
from the farm up the road.

- Oh, give me this.
- Can... is that for everyone?

- Oh, Please, please.
- Oh my God.

[Door opens]
- Okay! God.

- Well, I guess congratulations
are in order.

- We didn't end up
taking the venue.

- Really? What stopped you?

Did they like,
run out of sandwiches or...?

- Uh, yes. But that's not why.

We don't want to get married
without you here, okay?

- And?
- And, David?

- And I didn't mean to make
you feel

excluded from the day.

Then again,
when all you talk about

is how excited you are
to get out of here,

I don't really feel like
including you in stuff.

- David, just say you're sorry

so we can get your sister
to the airport, okay?

- Nevertheless...
- Mhmm.

- I might have overreacted

and for that, I am apologetic.
- Wow.

- So, you're sorry.

- I knew there was a reason
I came on this trip.

- [Engine choking]
- My God.

I am remorseful over an action
I participated in.

- Dammit!
- What is going on?

- Car won't start.
- What?!

Well, I can't be late
for my flight!

- Okay, well why don't you
go inside

and ask Clive for help then?

- Because my feet
are killing me, David.

- Oh my God!
- Why don't we go inside

and see if there's anything
Clive can do, okay?

- Why do I feel like Clive
doesn't handle stress well?

- Come on.

- This might be a stupid
question,

but why are you wearing high
heels on an airplane?

- Oh, I'm not wearing them on
the plane,

they hand out slippers
with the mimosas.

- When was the last time
you flew economy?

- Hmm?

[Birds chirp]

- Hard to believe this is our
first trip down to the creek.

You know, Moira,
after the week we've had,

this is the perfect way
to end it.

- To think I nearly made you
a widower.

Oh, John, I can just see you

aimlessly wandering
through life.

Stoic but stymied,

not a friend in the world
and so very lost.

- Well, you're here now, Moira,

and so am I.

And, with your career
behind you,

we'll be able to take advantage
of more days like this.

Does this not remind you
of that wellness retreat

we went to in Evian,

right after Alexis ended
things with Sean Penn?

- Yes. You and I wandered down
to the lake,

ne'ery a person to be found.

Bid adieu to our clothing

and let the cool sting
of the mineral water

remind us that we were,
in fact,

alive and well.

- I lost my Patek Philippe
in that lake,

but I wouldn't have had it
any other way.

- We seem to have found
ourselves alone again,

Mr. Rose.

- Moira, that was 15 years ago!
- Mmhm?

- What if someone sees us?

- Who knows what will befall us
tomorrow, John?

You could be hit
by a Mack truck,

or bopped on the head by
a tiny piece of space debris!

- I don't know, it feels risky.

- Let me just attend
to one thing first.

- Moira, whatever it is can
wait.

- No, no. Before we re-baptize
ourselves

I'm going to call my agent
and make it official!

Moira Rose is tech un-avail,

she has a life to live.

- I'm proud of you, Sweetheart.

- You just remove those
vetements, Mr. Rose,

I'll be back in the shake
of a lamb's rump.

As soon as I find a signal.

- Ugh! Ugh! Like...

[Pacing footsteps thud]

[Stressed exhale]

- What's going on over there?
- I'm trying to check in!

If we're going to be late,

I'm going to at least do
everything I can

to not miss my flight,

because I have never needed
a vacation more.

- Yeah, this?

I think this is what might be
bothering your brother.

- Okay, I get it, my life
is an inconvenience.

- That. Um,

or the fact that you've been
talking nonstop

about how desperate
you are to get out of here?

- I think it might be hurting
his feelings.

- Okay. I'm moving to a place
that doesn't have a Sephora

for literally 2700 miles,

so I'm sorry if I'm trying
to convince myself

that I'm doing the right thing.

- I might still be
a bit boozy,

- Yes, I can confirm that.
- but...

I've actually been jealous
of your trip.

Like, you're getting out there,

seeing the world.

And now that Cabaret's over,

I feel like I might need
to be doing more of that.

I just wish I had your...

what's going on?

Because I think I might be
in the middle of giving you

a compliment for the first
time, so.

- Yes, and I am super touched,
it's just that

I'm having trouble getting
my boarding pass.

Like, do they not let people
in economy check in

for the flight?

- Can I see your phone?

Okay. Um, think I've found
the problem;

your flight's not leaving
for another month.

- What?! Give me that!

No, it says right here,
0-7-0-8.

- Yeah, but it's day before
month,

so you're not leaving
on July 8th,

you're leaving on August 7th.
- What?

Ugh, and my stupid ticket
doesn't allow for any changes.

Ugh! What am I supposed to do?

- Well, maybe you could start
by telling David

that you messed up and he can
book the venue after all!

- Okay, I would literally
rather sleep at the airport

for a month.
- Yeah.

- Can you hear me now?

No, I'm not blocking
the microphone

with my finger anymore!

Okay, no I was.

Now... yes?

Oh, well, what would the back
end look like

on a deal like that?

Oh, I see, what an emphatically
Kismetic

turn of events.
Oh, John's here now.

Okay, talk soon. Kisses!

Johnathan, have we found
ourselves a new friend?

- Hmm.

- Hello ma'am,
I'm Officer Cornwall.

I was off duty when I came
across this man

in a state of undress,
down by the creek.

He claims to be your husband?

- Last I checked,

a decades-long successful
marriage

is not a criminal offence.

- No, no it is not.

However, indecent exposure
certainly is.

I found your husband sunning
himself in the creek,

like he was in some
Grecian bath.

- No, I don't think we need
to editorialize.

- John, I'm so sorry,

I was engrossed in a very
stirring phone call.

Officer, perhaps we could
arrange a plea bargain?

- Well, since I wasn't supposed
to be fly fishing

at this end of the creek...

I think we can leave it
at a warning.

- Oh, thank you, Officer,

for your almost militant
commitment

to the protection
of our community.

I promise to keep my husband
habilimented from now on.

John, you won't believe
what's happened!

- What happened was,
you left me alone,

struggling to get out
of a creek!

The algae was so slippery,

the cop had to throw me
his fishing line.

- Well, button back up your
birthday tux, John,

because I've just found out
the "Crows" movie

is back in business!

- What?

- Yes! Apparently it's been
picked up by Interflex,

a brand new streaming service.

Can you believe that?

- Moira, you were just saying
what a relief

it was to have the ups
and downs of your career

behind you, and--
- I know, right?

How serendipitous is this?

At the precise moment I choose
to walk away,

the industry comes crawling
back to me on all fours.

- I just worry about the next
time it's not great news.

- A new day has dawned.

It took my accepting that
I could quit at any time

to realize I musn't, John.
Ever.

- If this is what you
really want, then I'm...

I'm happy for you.
- Thank you, John.

It appears officer fly fish has
taken his leave,

how about that dip?

- Oh, I think the moment
has passed.

[Door opens]
- Okay, roadside assistance

isn't gonna be here
for the next hour,

so we're going to call you
a cab.

- And Clive didn't have jumper
cables because he doesn't drive

because he's scared
of car horns.

- Okay, um, David?

I also have something that
I would like to say to you

as well.

- Okay?

- I am sorry also,

for rubbing my trip
in your face.

The truth is,

is that I'm really
gonna miss you.

- Thank you.

I'm going to miss you, as well.

And I just feel so bad
about standing in the way

of your dream wedding.
- Oh...

- But maybe I should just, like,

push my trip back by a month.
- Wow.

- Okay.

I am not having you push your
trip back.

- No, I insist.

- What's going on?

- Nothing, David,
just accept your wedding gift.

- Patrick, call a cab, please.
- 'Kay.

- Okay, no, don't call a cab!
Ugh.

My flight got delayed.
- Delayed by a month?

- This is like watching
a car crash.

- Ugh.

- You mixed up the day and the
month on your ticket again,

didn't you?
- No! I... no.

- Like that time you showed up
to Kate Winslet's wedding

a month late.

- The calligraphy
was hard to read

and Billy Zane also did
the same thing, David.

- Unbelievable.
- Okay, well the upside

is that you guys can now
take the place,

so actually, you're welcome.

- She's right, David.

We could go back
and talk to Clive.

- Do we go back
and talk to Clive?!

[Loud blood-curdling squealing]
- Ew.

- Oh my God.
- What is that?

It's like a thousand
babies teething.

- Didn't he say there was
a farm up the road?

- Uh, that is correct.

They process their pork on the
first Sunday of every month,

hence our discounted rates.

Did I hear that the wedding
was back on?

- Hey. This is not a winner,
Clive.

- Okay. I can't stop
hearing it!

- It sounded like a thousand
guinea pigs

were being shoved into
a wood chipper.

- Pork chops?
- Oh, no thank you.

- I'll have my later, thanks.

- Well, it sounds to me
like you two

dodged a bacon-wrapped bullet.
I'll say it again:

life is but a strand
of happy accidents.

- You've never said that before.

- It's such great news
about the film, Mrs. Rose.

Interflex is huge.

- Oh, wait 'til our movie drops.

- So, I just talked to Ted.

He's devastated, obviously,

but he did say that it's
probably for the best

because he still hasn't
lizard-proofed his place

and I have absolutely no desire
to be there until that happens.

- You see? Further proof
that life is but a--

- Okay. We get it.
- strand.

- Well, I, for one,
am happy to have you

for another month, Alexis.
- Thank you.

- Hey, what if we got married
here?

- What if we got married
under a highway overpass?

- I'm serious.

This place means something
to you guys.

Put a tent in the back,
string up some lights.

You could make it beautiful.

- I'll think about it.
- Okay.

- Oh, in other news:

your father was arrested
for indecent exposure.

- Ew, I'm eating!
- Moira.

Okay. There's no backing out
now! [Chuckles]