All language subtitles for Mixed Nuts(1994).EN

* [ group singing doo-wop ]

* [ doo-wop continues ]

# i'm dreaming #

# of a white christmas #

# just like the ones
i used to know #

* [ doo-wop continues ]

# where those treetops
glisten #

# and children listen #

# to hear #

# sleigh bells in the snow #

# the snow #

# but then i-i-i am dreaming #

# of a white christmas #

# with every
christmas card i write #

* [ doo-wop continues ]
* [ playing ]

# may your days, may your days
may your days #

# be merry and bright #

# and may all
your christmases be white #

* [ doo-wop continues ]

# i-i-i-i'm dreaming #

# of a white christmas #

# just like the ones
i used to know #

* [ doo-wop continues ]

# where the treetops glisten #

# and the children listen #

# to hear #

# sleigh bells in the snow #

* [ bass singing
descending notes ]

# i-i-i-i'm dreaming #

# of a white christmas #

# with every #

# christmas card i write #

* [ doo-wop continues ]

# may those days
may your days #

# may your days
be merry and bright #

?
# ooh-ooh-ooh ?

# and may all #

# your christmases be white #?
?

* [ doo-wop continues ]

* [ doo-wop fades ]

[ woman ]
felix, come back here !

you don't deserve
to be the father of my child !

come back here
with that santa claus suit !

- [ groaning ]
- [ sighs ]

you jerk !
you ruined our tree !

that tree was
absolutely symmetrical !

it took us two hours
to find it !
it was perfect !

nothing's perfect,
you cretins !

stop yelling. you're
gonna send her into labor.

she's going into labor now !
she is not ! she's only
seven months pregnant !

[ rollerbladers yelling ]
all right, stop it !
it's christmas !

it was an accident.
show a little christmas spirit.
[ man ] you owe us 40 bucks !

touch me and i'll sue you
for a million dollars !
[ indistinct yelling ]

i'm sure santa will repay you.
it was 50 bucks,
okay ?

we can't even afford
to have our baby.
now look what you did !

mind your own business,
mister !
you drove him away !

this is my business.
my business is helping people.
well, you know what ?

merry christmas !

[ sighs ]

[ woman's voice ]
you have reached the office
of lifesavers.

all lines are busy.

if you are truly on the verge
of suicide and calling from
a touch-tone phone, press one.

if you are merely depressed,
stay on the line. a friendly
voice will be with you shortly.

what am i supposed to do ?
i don't have a touch-tone phone.

suppose iwason the verge
of suicide ? [ sighs ]

[ phone rings ]

[ woman ]
merry christmas. lifesavers.
how may we help you ?

i haven't slept for days.
i'm terrified of
the seaside strangler.

i know he's going to get me.
do you fit the physical
description of his victims ?

are you a very attractive
woman with long, dark hair ?
not really.

although, how long
do you think is "long" ?
at least to your shoulders.

[ man over static ]
i can't stop worrying
about the planet.

and what is it about janet
that is worrying you ?

not janet, the planet.

would you click your phone ?
there's some static on the line.

[ static continues ]
you know, dear, just click
the little button like this.

[ dial tone ]
hmm !

we're not permitted
to divulge the personal
details of our lives,

but i can assure you
i know what you're feeling.

do you live alone too ?

i live with my mother.
that's all i can say.

catherine, you're not supposed
to tell them about yourself.

oh, i could never live
with my mother.
that's something to remember.

no matter how bleak things are,
at least you don't live
with your mother.

thank you for calling and
don't hesitate to call again.
merry christmas.

may i click for you ?
i don't think so,
mrs. munchnik.

that person wasn't suicidal,
only depressed.

but if he or she
had not spoken with you,

he or she might have become
suicidal, mightn't they ?
[ counter clicks ]

[ chuckles ]
and where do you
suppose philip is ?

i'm sure he'll be here shortly.
playing around,
probably.

that's very unfair.
philip is completely
true to susan.

men are not true to anything.
they will have sex with a tree.

if you look out the window,
you'll see him pulling up
on his bicycle at any moment.

i could be having christmas eve
dinner right now...

with all of my dead
husband's relatives.

i am not someone
with no place to go.

i'm sure you're not.

[ phone rings ]

merry christmas. lifesavers.
how may i help you ?

philip !
just the man
i'm looking for.

merry christmas.
you're out.
you can't evict us.

lifesavers has saved
over 1,400 lives this year.
doesn't that mean anything ?

plus,
you are three months
behind in your rent.

we don't exactly
have a cash flow.

after you save
someone's life,
you can't ask for money.

doctors can.
aren't you some sort
of doctor, philip ?
no.

tell me, in all of your calls,
has anybody impaled themselves ?

- no.
- aw !

stanley, how am i gonna tell
the people who work for me
their jobs are over ?

try "you're fired."
it works for me.

does anyone
ever drink glass ?
we're broke.

the state
has cut back our funding.

no, they don't drink glass.
what's the matter with you ?

oh, they must.
they must what ?

they must drink glass.
they must.

january 2.
out !
you don't care,
stanley tanenbaum.

you're one of the people
who doesn't care.
of course not.

i'm the landlord.
[ laughs ]

oh, philip, a tree.

merry christmas.
merry christmas.
i'm so glad you could make it.

are you all right ?
i'm fine !

temper, temper.
it's just
that everything that could
go wrong, has gone wrong.

- at least
we're not being evicted.
- and why haven't we been ?

where are the call sheets ?
everyone else
in the building...

has received a yellow
eviction notice.
one hang up !

dr. gillespie
has received two
eviction notices.

one woman worried
about the strangler.

one man about to slit
his wrists...
[ bike clattering ]

because his nonprofit
business is being destroyed
by a capitalist maniac !

if we do get evicted,
i'm sure philip will
think of something.

that's right.
i'll think of something.
when he was in the peace corps,

he built an entire
peruvian village.

[ both ]
and solved all of their
soil erosion problems.

you could see
the bright side
of a plague.

i'm on my way.

not without your present !

merry christmas,
mrs. munchnik.

a fruitcake ?

yes.

remarkably like the one
i gave you last year.

thank you so much, philip.
[ catherine ]
oh, let me help you.

# i'll be home #

- merry christmas !
-# for christmas #

# you can count on me #

say hello to your dead
husband's sister for me.
thank you, i will.

merry christmas.
merry christmas.

# please have snow #

# and mistletoe #

# and presents on the tree *

[ pressing button ]

[ sighs ]

help !

help ! philip !
catherine !

it's mrs. munchnik !

hello !

what are you doing
with that ?

it's my protection
against the seaside strangler.

oh, give me that, honey.
we don't know anything
about guns.

oh, felix, i could have
sold that santa claus suit
and bought our baby a car seat.

we don't even have a car.
what was i supposed to wear ?
you cut up all my clothes.

i was mad !
honey, you were mad
the day we met.

a man on the boardwalk comes up
to me and says, "smile."
a total stranger.

and you screamed at him,
"shut up !" remember ?

i did, didn't i ?
[ laughs ]
you were right to.

it was a total invasion
of your privacy.

[ laughing ]
it was.

hey ! look what
i got for you.

this means
we can have the baby
in the hospital for free !

all we have to do is swear
we're completely broke...

and have absolutely no way
of supporting ourselves
and never will.

oh, god !
felix, i don't want
to hurt your feelings, but--

you are the only person
in my whole life who's
never hurt my feelings.

you're a loser.
i can't have a loser dropping
in and out of my baby's life.

i'm not a loser !
i'm an artist !

why can't you paint
on canvas or paper
like anyone else ?

because
i'm a wall artist !
but you don't have a wall !

but someday
i will have a wall.

someday
i'm gonna do my masterpiece
on a great big wall...

right out there
on the boardwalk.

and you're gonna be in it
and the baby's
gonna be in it...

and the sand
and the sea and the stars
are gonna be shining !

mmm, i want a businessman.

what are you
talking about ?

i'm talking
about breaking up, felix.
that's what i'm talking about.

oh, come on, honey.
i'm leaving.

where you going ?
i'm going for a walk.

gracie, honey, come on.
you're just stressed.

and don't try
to follow me either !
[ door slams ]

susan !
it's philip.

uh, uh, let me just
go somewhere private
where we can talk.

[ door shuts ]

tanenbaum's evicting us.
the bastard !
i'm sorry, philip.

you're gonna have
to get another job.
susan...

i've never asked you
for money before,
but you're a loan officer.

and a small loan--
say $5,000-- could save us.

i don't know what else to do.
i don't know how
to tell catherine.

she's sitting out there
knitting something--
a potholder.

[ susan sighs ]
i hate to talk about money
at a time like this.

a time like what ?
oh, god,
i don't know how to say this.

this is really hard for me.
my psychiatrist thinks
we should break up.

what ?
i didn't know you were
going to a psychiatrist.

i'm not actually going to one.
i've been dating one
for four months.

this is so sudden.

i didn't want to tell you this
over the phone.

i really wanted to fax you.
but you don't even have a fax.

[ dial tone ]
susan ?

susan ?

it's so quiet suddenly.

you'd expect
everyone to be thinking
of jumping out of windows...

or slitting their wrists
on christmas eve,
wouldn't you ?

[ phone rings ]

merry christmas.
lifesavers.
how may we help you ?

hello ? hello ? hello ?

[ static crackling ]
hello ?
static again.

hello ? hello ?
hello ?

i can't hear you.
try clicking the little button.
i'm having a problem hearing.

look, i'm at the end of my rope,
and i want to die.

click it.
click it, please.

go ahead.
[ gunshot ]

[ groans ]

hmm.
we were disconnected.

if a person's really upset,
they always call back.

[ dial tone ]
it's working.

# oh, what fun it is to ride
in one-horse open sleigh #

[ blows raspberry ]
# jingle bells, jingle bells
jingle all the way #

# oh, so much fun it is to ride
in open-horse open #
help !

help ! hey !
* [ indistinct singing ]

# i like eating cheese
it tastes very nice #
help ! help !

i'm stuck up here !
# everyone loves cheese
especially white mice #

can't you hear me ?
hey, mr. capshaw !
# jingle, jangle, jing #

i'm stuck up here !
* [ indistinct singing,
rude noises ]

can't you hear me ?

# jingle, jangle, jang
i like to eat stew
it tastes very good #

* [ nonsensical singing ]

- * [ continues singing ]
- [ munchnik ] wait !

wait !
i'm up here !

are you deaf ?

* [ chipmunks singing
"christmas, christmas" ]

* [ chipmunks continue ]

* [ high-pitched note ]

* [ toy trumpet continues ]

*

* [ trumpet continues ]
we could have
a charity ball.

[ sighs ]
who would i take ?

we could have
a garage sale.

susan has
all my old records.

[ groans ]
oh, geez !

[ ringing ]
a call !
i'll get it !

[ ringing continues ]

line one.

[ clears throat ]

hello,
this is lifesavers.
merry christmas.

am i disturbing you ?
no, no, no,
not at all.

i'm very lonely tonight.

is there any chance
i could stop by and talk ?

well, it's not in the rules,
but if you are willing to make
a donation-- say, five grand--

[ gasps ]
i'm kidding !

everyone makes fun of me.
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry.

please, can't i come by ?
i don't want to be alone.

no. no, no, no.
we have rules,
but we're listening.

everyone
at lifesavers
is with you.

talk to us.

[ caller sobbing ]
i'm so alone.
"so alone."

is there anyone
in your family
you can call ?

no, they hate me.
hate you.
what about church ?

please, can't i stop by ?

[ caller sniffling ]
i'll only stay a minute.
i need to see someone.

[ sobbing ]
please, just give me
the address.

[ continues sobbing ]

i cannot
give out the address.

[ sobbing ]
it's christmas.

[ sobbing ]

[ sobbing continues ]

it's
17 pier street !
thank you.

i'll be right over.
[ hangs up receiver ]

[ sniffs, sighs ]

# on the first day of christmas
my true love gave to me #

# a partridge in a pear tree #

# on the second day
of christmas #

# my true love
gave to me #
hey, arnold schwarzenegger !

come on,
hang some tinsel.

dad, i hate it
when you call me that.

[ family chanting ]
arnold ! arnold ! arnold !

arnold ! arnold ! arnold !
arnold ! arnold ! arnold !

# on the third day of christmas
my true love gave to me *

[ voice amplified ]
testing. testing.
one, two, three, four.

help !
yoo-hoo !

* [ electronic cymbals ]

hey !

hey !
hey-hey !

* [ drum cadence ]
hey--
he-hey !

yoo-hoo !

* [ cadence speeds up ]
hey !

hey !
* [ cymbals,
cadence continues ]

[ rapping ]
# i'm stuck
in the elevator #

* [ cymbals clanging ]
hey !

* [ cadence continues ]
# i'm stuck in the elevator
get me please #

?
# come to get me
on christmas eve ?

?
# mrs. munchnik
sittin' here
with nothin' ?

# hey, come to get me-- #?
? [ sobbing ]

* [ cymbals, new cadence ]
oh ! god.
whoa ! hey !

# come--
now come to get me
stuck in this place #

# get me soon
or hit me in my face *

[ whimpers,
indistinct muttering ]

i can't believe i did it !

i broke the rule.
i gave out our address.
i hate it when they cry.

especially when the cries have
those little hiccups at the end.

this is the worse day
of my life.

it's the santa anas.
everyone's behaving
strangely.

what if he's a serial killer ?
what if i gave our address
to the seaside strangler ?

i don't think the seaside
strangler phones first,

although it could be one
of those details they leave
out of the newspapers.

[ phone rings ]

i'll handle this.

[ ringing continues ]

hello, this is lifesavers.
merry christmas.
how may i help you ?

[ man ] hello.
i'm calling you because
this is my last christmas.

"your last christmas."
continue.

i have leukemia.
i have only two months
to live.

hello ?

leukemia.
i'm so sorry, sir.

may i speak
to a woman ?

may i wish a woman
merry christmas ?

absolutely.
and may i say that
i admire your courage.

all of us here do.
here is my colleague.

hello. merry christmas,
if it's all right to say that.

[ caller ]
what's your name ?
catherine.

i want to do it to you.
i want to stick it
in you right now !

did he say, "stick it in" ?
oh, i'm reaming
and ramming !

[ caller panting ]
oh, you love it !
stop it, right this minute !

we can't have
that sort of thing !
[ humming, making noise ]

put the slut
back on !
[ doorbell buzzing ]

[ man's voice ]
dog haters, that awful woman
is stuck in the elevator.

stuck. i hope forever.
[ munchnik shouting ]
i'm stuck !

[ gasps ]
we're coming,
mrs. munchnik !

[ man ]
i hope it takes them years
to get you out.

it'll serve you right
for reporting daisy
to the landlord.

she practically gave me rabies !
you don't "practically"
get rabies.

you either get rabies
or you don't get rabies.
there's no in between.

[ phone ringing ]
i'll get that !

[ philip ]
what seems to be the problem ?
i'm sure i don't know.

i am a trained mechanic,
and i would happily
fix any elevator...

that didn't have
a dog hater stuck in it !

i'll check
the circuit breaker box.

well, who was that ?
another basket case ?

that was your dead
husband's sister.

they're starting
dinner without you.
lucky them !

[ catherine ]
i'm calling the landlord.
don't think i don't know...

what's really going on
between you and those dogs !

stanley, if you could
just come over, please.
i can't.

please, stanley ?
she can't spend christmas
in an elevator.
i can't !

in a couple
of hours.
thank you.

[ rings ]
hello.
lifesavers.

catherine.
oh, hi, gracie.

finally, you're off the phone.
don't you ever stop yakking ?

we're supposed
to talk on the phone.
that's why we're here.

yes.
right.
is something wrong ?

you've got to let me spend
the night at your place.

felix is acting
totally irrational.

he ran off in my santa suit,
which i could have sold today.
what ?

it's not the fuse box.
of course it's not
the fuse box !

it is a short inside.

i saw an electrician fix it
last week.

all you need is a screwdriver,
and i will tell you what to do.

i think there's one
in the earthquake kit.

catherine !

hold on a second, gracie !
what is it, philip ?

would you get the screwdriver
out of the earthquake kit ?
oh.

wait, wait, wait !
do you really think
we ought to use it ?

suppose we take it out
and forget to put it back
and then the big one comes ?

there's a law that all
businesses, even nonprofit,

have to have complete
earthquake kits.
get it !

i'll get it !

come here first, and i'll take
you over to mother's. she'll be
terrified if you ring the bell.

why ? is she gonna think
i'm the seaside strangler ?

she is a little nervous.
does she fit the descriptions
of the victims ?

uh, not really.
for me ?
then why is she
carrying on ?

there he is. i'm never speaking
to him again, even if he begs.
gracie ?

gracie ? gracie ?
[ felix ]
gracie ! yoo-hoo !

gracie !

honey, come on !
come home.
come back to me.

i'll get a regular job.
you had a regular job making
pizza and you messed it up.

the manager hated me.
you never showed up
on time !

i'm a wall artist !
you're
a wall artist with no wall,
which makes you a nothing !

yeah,
you tell him, lady.
he ruined our tree.

shut up ! you're both
materialistic idiots !

yeah !
hey !
[ grunting ]

hold on.

it's pajamas.
ah.

i knitted them.

thank you.
everyone's always giving the
bride things to wear to bed,

but no one ever gives
the groom anything.

the thing is,
i'm never getting married.

of course you are.
you're getting married
in four months.

be patient.
everything comes
to him who waits.

i don't really
believe that.

i've been saying things
like that for so long,
they just pop out.

but the truth is nothing
comes to him who waits.

[ phone ringing ]

merry christmas.
lifesavers.

hello.
i'm so upset.
i'm listening.

i was in the supermarket
and everyone was buying
big turkeys,

and i was standing in
the ten-items-and-under line
with a chicken breast.

i know.

i suddenly realized i was going
to be in the ten-items-and-under
line the rest of my life.

[ sighs ]

i know.

[ sobbing ]
are you all right ?

[ sobbing ]
catherine, what's wrong ?

- [ continues crying ]
- let me handle this.

[ sobbing ]

may i help you ?
is she all right ?

she'll be all right.
she's just so sympathetic.

may i put you on hold
while i run to my desk ?

you're not calling from a bridge
or holding a weapon ?

no.
good.

[ sobbing ]

# have yourself
a merry little christmas #

catherine o'shaughnessy,
get a grip on yourself.

okay, so the only present
you got is from your mother.

so ? you have nothing
to do on new year's eve
for the tenth consecutive year.

you're a very lucky person.
you have a wonderful job and--

you have a wonderful job.
so there. so there !

# have yourself
a merry little christmas #

# now *

[ philip ]
well, just remember that
in every pothole there is hope.

well, you see, pothole
is spelled p-o-t-h-o-l-e.

so if you take
the "p" and add it to the "h,"
the "o" and the "e"...

and rearrange the letters,
or contrariwise,

remove the "o," "t" and "l,"
you get "hope."

so, just remember,

"in every pothole
there is hope."

now, thank you for calling
and call again any time.

are you feeling better ?

in every pothole
there is hope.

my father used
to say that to me.
i remember.

he said it to me only a day
or two before he walked out
the door and was run over....

by a truck
full of mixed nuts.
truck full of mixed nuts.

oh, i have something for you.

merry christmas,
catherine.
oh, philip !

- thank you !
- [ gasps ]

fruit of the month club.
for three months.

first you get apples,
then you get oranges,
then you get pears.

i'll take that wrapping.
it's okay.
i save the wrapping.

i save it too.
i make ornaments.

i paid for it !
give it to me !
give it to me.

give it to me.

philip, what's this ?
this is an eviction notice.

this says we have
to be out of the building
by the end of the year.

oh, my gosh !
oh, my gosh !

oh, my gosh !
it's christmas !
i didn't want to upset you !

we have to move !
we have to find someplace !

we don't have any money.
philip, you can solve this.
i know you can.

when the city of los angeles
was going to chop down
healthy elm trees...

just in case they got
dutch elm disease, you
handcuffed yourself to a tree--

and called the newspaper !
i'll call the newspaper !

two weeks from now
i'll be home, unemployed,
with my royal riviera pears.

may i have the number
of the los angelestimes ?
i'm gonna pray for a miracle.

thank you.

[ munchnik ]
hey, dickheads !
i'm coming, mrs. munchnik !

don't tell her anything !
get me out
of this elevator !

[ woman's voice ]
you have reached
the los angelestimes.

if you would like
to order a subscription,
please press one.

if your newspaper did not
arrive this morning, press two.

if you would like to place
a classified ad, press three.

if you would like to speak
to the editorial desk,
city desk, national desk,

international desk,
sports desk, metro, view
or calendar sections,

press the first three letters
of the desk you desire...

followed by the star key
in the case of the first three,

or the pound key in the case
of the latter five.
[ munchnik ] help !

i'm coming !
i'm coming !

here you go. i'll just
pull you through the roof.
i got ya, i got ya.

- [ gasping ]
- i called the landlord.
he'll be here in two hours.

i can't wait two hours !
i have to go to the bathroom !

just hang on.
we'll have you out in a minute.
i can't hold it ! hurry up !

oh, my god !
oh, my god !
[ screaming ]

[ screaming ]

[ screaming ]

- [ catherine ]
philip, are you all right ?
- do i look like i'm all right ?

i'm slipping !
i'm going to crash !
hold onto my wrist !

you're hurting my wrist.
bring the elevator back !
bring it back !

[ philip ]
you have two innocent people
up here dangling !

[ munchnik ]
who's down there ?
whoever you are, stop on four !

no, three ! three !
stop on three, not four !

gracie, come on !
where you goin' ?

[ munchnik screaming ]
it's coming back !
we're gonna be crushed !

do you have anything to say
to susan ? any last words ?

she broke up with me !

[ gasping, tapping feet ]

[ munchnik shouting ]
push stop !
push the red button !

what red button ?
is someone talkin' to me ?
i'm talkin' to you !

h-help. help !
push the red button !
don't you hear me ?

[ philip shouting ]
god, help ! we're gonna die !
we're gonna die !

we're dead !
i knew it !
[ hysterical crying ]

please save us !
oh, my god !
oh, my god !

[ screaming ]
no ! no ! no !

ah, gracie, come on !
come on, honey !

i promise i'll be a good guy.
i'll even give you
the santa suit back.

- i have to pee ! help !
- here it is.

i'm taking off
the goofy boot things.
let me in !

are you okay ?
[ gasps ]
oh, please !

put your clothes on,
felix.
open this door now !

[ philip ] we have an employee
who desperately needs to get in.
[ all grunting ]

let me in right now !
oh ! i'm in agony !

what is wrong with you ?

[ hysterical screaming,
sobbing ]

young lady, this restroom
is property of lifesavers !

- you let me-- [ screaming ]
- calm down. my god.

you don't have to get
so excited.
please come home.

i'm never coming back !
felix, would you
please get dressed ?

do you know
these people ?
yes. gracie, this is philip.

felix, philip.
hi.
yeah, we met.

we have ?
yeah, when you
crashed into the tree.

youcrashed
into the tree.
yeah, so we met.

and this is
mrs. munchnik.
[ urinating ]

oh, hello.
[ continues urinating ]

[ urinating continues ]
well...

you two had better make up
before that baby comes.

well, i have two months
to think about it, okay ?
don't be ridiculous.

- you're going to drop any day.
- it does look large.

of course. it's mine.
i just got out of prison
seven months ago.

and you're the only person
who could be the father ?
what ?

excuse me ?
is it true ?

is what true ?
what she said.
is it true ?

i'm a slut now,
felix ?
who's the father ?

hey, hey, hey, hey, no !
this is what
i'm talking about !

wait a minute ! this is
a nonprofit organization !
[ gracie, felix yelling ]

there are laws
against this !
felix, you're a maniac !

oh, gracie,
look what you did.

he's bleeding !

[ chuckles ]
hello, evelyn ?
yes, i'm finally out.

felix will need stitches.
we'll have to take him
to the hospital.

who's gonna pay for it ?
we can't even afford to have
our baby in a hospital.

i know.
we'll take him to the vet.
dr. kinsky will help us.

[ munchnik ]
yes, i'll be there
in just a few minutes.

[ clears throats ]
just a minute.

what is it ?
you'll have to stay and cover
the phones while we're out.

i'm going to have to stay
and cover the phone--
they want me to stay longer.

is that incredible ?
mrs. munchnik, you have
driven this man into a frenzy.

it was like lighting
dry leaves with a match !

you have
a responsibility.
they're making me feel guilty.

i will be at your house
sometime before next christmas !
but that's all i have to say.

thank you.
are you coming, gracie ?
you're okay.

no way.
[ philip ]
just relax, felix.
you'll like dr. kinsky.

he's not just a friend,
he put my dog to sleep.

[ philip groaning ]
[ liquid bubbling ]

[ blowing bubbles ]

[ bubbling continues ]

if you go into labor
or anything along those lines,

just don't expect
any help from me.

i am not a midwife.

i never expect help.

[ philip ]
dr. kinsky's an expert
on potbelly pigs.

you ought to get one, catherine.
you can house train them,
and they can find fungi.

if they get in bed with you,
they stick their nose
under the covers and root.

i hate pigs.
how can you hate pigs ?

they have those cute
little, curly tails.
i hate their cute tails.

# hello, catherine *

hello, louie.
i was just coming
upstairs to see you.

i got a present for you.
something...

*
# personal *

i'll be right back.
we're just taking
this man to the vet.

is he rabid ?
[ philip ]
hardly.

he's simply a poor,
unemployed person
in a bad relationship.

that's what they said
about old yeller.
[ giggles ]

i'll see you later,
louie.

# i'll be waiting *

* [ humming "we wish you
a merry christmas" ]

[ sighs ]

* [ continues humming ]

can i use your scissors
instead of these ones ?
oh, yes.

* [ continues humming ]

do you mind if i cut up
your eviction notice ?
that would be just fine.

[ sighs ]
do you have any tape ?

i think there's some
in that drawer.
* [ continues humming ]

wait a minute.
wait a minute !
oh, my g--

oh, that philip !
[ gasps ]

how dare he not tell anyone !
he is going to pay for this !

he is going to pay for this
or my name is not...

blanche munchnik !

* [ continues humming ]

* [ cats mewing,
dogs barking "we wish you
a merry christmas" ]

here, lie down.

[ rings bell ]
dr. kinsky ?
[ dog barking ]

hello ?

[ dogs barking ]

i'll be right back.

is anyone here ?
marshall ?

dr. kinsky ?
merry christmas.
what ? oh !

hi, philip.
i can't talk.
i'm in a rush.

we got a problem.
you gotta help.
i can't.
i gotta go.

felix is bleeding like crazy.
he was hit in the head
with a fruitcake.

how'd that happen ?
lovers' quarrel.

philip, please, don't go
anthropomorphic on me.

i'm up to my eyeballs
in people that think
that animals have feelings.

- i don't think you understand.
- come on, i'll help you.
i'll take care of it.

just do me a favor.
spare me the melodrama.

take felix
out of his box,
put him in here.

i'll be right back.
take felix
out of his box.

hi, pepper, ginger,
vinny, duke, scotty, billy.
[ all bark ]

hi.
hi, hi.
i'm running late.

what is it now ?
a cat
with a concussion.

that's the way it's
always going to be, isn't it ?
the animals always come first !

well, merry christmas !
not that you even celebrate it !

w-w-wait ! wait !
no, wait ! hey ! oh !

[ dog barking ]

a person named felix.

before there were cats
named felix, there were
people named felix.

you'll find,
if you look that up,
the opposite is true.

hi, pancho.
hi, little pancho.

you don't have to worry.
you don't have a dream.

all you want
is food and love.
it's all i want.

i want to be a wall artist.

you can make people happy
by chasing a stick.

i have to raise $5,000
or i'm going to hurt
two people i care about.

i care about gracie.
i care
about vanessa.

i care about catherine
and mrs. munchnik.
what about susan ?

susan's gone.
gracie's gone.

vanessa's gone.
give up women,
pancho.

- tomorrow he will.
- ooh, that's gotta hurt.

oh, no. once he takes
a couple of these,
he won't know what hit him.

we never know what hits us,
then one day we're talking
in falsetto.

stay. let me
ask you something.

how many pillows does
susan have on her bed ?
about 12.

see ? what is it
with women and pillows ?
how many do you need ?

how many do you need ? two !
one for you and one for her !

yeah.
vanessa has all these pillows !

she's got round ones.
she's got heart-shaped ones.

she's got-- she's got
those pillows with the...
stuff around the edges.

- ruffles ?
- yeah.

so you want to go to bed, you
gotta take all the pillows off !

then in the morning,
you gotta put them all back on !

what is the point ?
marshall !

lifesavers is about to go under.
i don't care about pillows !

[ clattering ]

what's wrong with him ?
oh, my god !

come on. come on !
get up ! get up !
felix ! felix ! felix !

what happened ?
he took an overdose
of dog tranquilizers !

oh, my gosh, felix !

get him up !
get outta the way !
walk him around.

keep him moving ! keep moving !
how can you be friends
with these people ?

i beg your pardon,
philip.
where did you
find them ?

i met gracie
at an adult children
of alcoholics meeting.

was your mother
an alcoholic ?
no.

was your father ?
no.

i went because someone told me
it was a good place to meet men.

of course, i didn't meet a man.
i met gracie, though,
and she breaks my heart.

and because i care about her,
i care about felix.

i'm not like you, philip.
i'm not one of those people
who's only good on the phone.

that's not true.
i'm good in person.
in person, you blame everyone.

you did something wrong.
you gave out our address.
did i blame you ?

no. i blamed the santa anas.

[ whimpering ]
i don't even know
what the santa anas are.

- they're dry winds from
the desert that blow--
- oh, shut up. [ gasps ]

[ water sloshing ]

don't just stand there.
call an ambulance.

that's something
you'll be good at.
[ felix gasping ]

i'm glad that
we're not working together.
i'm glad this is our last week !

felix, if gracie
had any idea what you've done,
she would be devastated.

[ phone ringing ]
oh, that's probably felix.

well, i can assure you,
if you think your husband
is having an affair, he is !

[ ringing continues ]
he says, "i'm in my office,
honey, eating chinese food."

i don't care if he's dying.
i'm not gonna answer it.
[ ringing continues ]

read his mail.
read it !

that's the delightful way
i found out that
i'm about to be jobless.

you're kidding.
that's right.

[ ringing continues ]
[ sighs ]
fine.

hello ?

[ obscene caller ]
how can i do it to you, baby,
if you hang up on me ?

what ? who's this ?

is this catherine ?
no, this isn't
catherine.

merry christmas
to you too.
oh, you're new !

who are you ?
my name is gracie.

gracie, i want to write
your name in cheese.

[ panting ]
i want to bark like a dog !

you are a disgusting,
sleazy, perverted pig !
excuse me !

um, i'm sorry.
may i help you ?

the person you were
just speaking with
has not taken...

the lifesavers
training program.
shut up, grandma !

oh.
i'm not busting your cherry !

oh, i'm... simply crushed.

here i've waited
my whole life for you...

and now you don't
even want me.

do go on.

i believe you were
discussing my cherry.

[ dial tone ]

i am so good at this,
and soon i will be
left high and dry...

with no outlet
for my talent.

i have to pee.

have you ever been pregnant ?
no, i have not.

listen, young lady,
when you come out...

do not answer the phone
under any circumstances.

do not answer the door
under any circumstances...

because it could be
the seaside strangler,

and he'll take fishing twine
and wrap it around your neck
and your face will turn blue.

then your eyes will bulge out,
and then he'll knock you down...

and hike up
your skirt
and bang you !

very funny !
very funny, young lady !

no one comes here.
this is an unlisted address.
[ doorbell buzzes ]

hello ?
hello, who is there ?

[ gasps ]
it's the seaside
strangler.

whoever you are, you are
not supposed to be here.
[ doorbell buzzes ]

oh, who is it ?
answer me !

do you have something to hide ?
did you do that ?
[ electrical sparking ]

did you turn out the lights
or is it just this
stupid building ?

are you
the seaside strangler ?

listen, mr. seaside strangler,
i am calling the police,
i am getting the reward...

and you will go
to a maximum security prison
where a very large, hairy man...

is going to make you
his girlfriend.

i am not your type.
i am short.

and my hair is short.
i am attractive.

i suppose i fit that part
of the description.

but i am not young !
i have never been young !

although i do look--
would you
knock it off ?

what would the seaside strangler
want with you ?
just--
shh ! no !

you're having a fantasy.
oh, no, no !
don't ! don't !

[ laughs ]
what a sad and horrible
christmas eve.

i had to take the bus.

i stubbed my toe
on the boardwalk.
[ laughs, clears throat ]

- may i come in ?
- sure.

is she all right ?
she's fine.

oh, what beautiful beads.
thanks.

could you do me a favor ?
i'm gonna leave.

could you put her
somewhere out of the way ?
i'd be happy to.

# santa, baby #

# just slip a sable
under the tree #

# for me #

# been an awful good girl #

# santa, baby #

# so hurry down
the chimney tonight #
[ phone rings ]

[ ringing continues,
electrical sparking ]

# santa, baby, i forgot
to mention one little thing #
[ crashing, yelling ]

[ ringing continues ]
# a ring #

# i don't mean on the phone
santa, baby #
[ ringing continues ]

# so hurry down
the chimney tonight #
[ ringing continues ]

hello. lifesavers.
may i help you ?

[ obscene caller ]
may i speak to a woman ?

may i please wish a woman
merry christmas ?
you are speaking to a woman.

[ dial tone ]
[ sighs ]

[ electrical sparking ]

# santa, cutie
and fill my stocking #

# with a duplex and checks #

# sign your "x" on the line
santa, cutie #

# so hurry down
the chimney tonight #

mrs. munchnik ?
[ transvestite ]
no.

# hurry *
[ philip ]
who are you ?

i called earlier.
you gave me the address.
i remember.

i came right over.

have you seen a woman
in a bad mood ?

she's resting
behind the couch.

you were very good
on the phone.

on the phone.
i was good on the phone.

won't you sit down ?

my voice puts you off,
doesn't it ?

not at all.
it doesn't suit me.

in that sense, i am
exactly like kissinger.

henry kissinger ?

haven't you noticed ?
he has this odd, nasal voice
and a pompous, fat body.

must upset
the russians.
[ chuckles ]
[ chuckles ]

i met him once.
how fascinating.

[ electrical sparking ]

not that he would
remember me.

no one does.

i'm sure that's not true.

thank you.
you're very kind.

excuse me,
i'm just going to...

light these candles
in case the, uh--
[ clears throat ]

it was at one
of those dance clubs.
you know the kind.

here today, gone tomorrow.
when you look, it's gone.
[ both chuckle ]

[ sighs ]
who was i with ?

[ laughs ]
i have no idea.

when you're confused,
your past is a blur.

he wasn't dancing.

who ?

henry kissinger.
ah.

i'm boring you,
aren't i ?
not in the least.

i bore everyone.
i'm sure
that's not true.

i personally find you very
entertaining and informative.

for example,
i had no idea henry kissinger
went to dance clubs.

perhaps you could
come back some other time,

say, after the new year,

and we could
continue our chat.
i wasn't dancing either.

[ sighs, chuckles ]
i have two left feet,
i believe is the expression.

ah. well, let me offer you
one last piece of advice
before you have to leave.

- did you bring a coat ?
- just my cape.

ah.

have you ever heard
of the greater orange county
mambo contest of 1968 ?

well, i was scared
to enter it, and yet i did.

and i won first prize,
dancing with my sister.

from that moment on,
i have never worried
for one second...

about anyone's opinion,
and neither should you.

you mean...

you wouldn't hesitate
to dance, even with me ?

absolutely not.

do you have music ?

[ gracie ]
come on, catherine.
let's go to my place.

[ catherine ]
now ?
i have something for you.

[ gracie ]
there were 14 kids
in our family,

so for christmas
we each got...

one pair of socks.
really ?

plus, we never saw our mother.
divide 14 into 24
and what do you get ?

two.
we each saw our mother
two minutes a day.

you mean
two hours a day.
no, i mean two minutes.

[ door bells ring ]
[ sighs ]

my mother's
always there.
always.

sometimes i wish
she were dead.

oh, i shouldn't
say that.

i hope you don't think
i'm a terrible person.
no.

suppose she dies now
and it's all my fault ?

close your eyes.

open 'em.

[ sighs ]

i-is that me ?

oh, my goodness.

oh, gracie.

you're so talented.

[ sighs ]

i have spent my whole life
trying to make something
out of nothing.

don't take that
personally, catherine.

but just once i'd like to
have something to begin with.

christmas is such
a powerful time,
isn't it ?

gracie,
let's make a wish.

hold my hand and we'll
make a christmas wish.

really.
i mean it.

i'll go first so you
won't be embarrassed.
okay.

it's hard to do this because
if you say your wish out loud...

and it doesn't come true,
it's so much worse.

but here we go.

i wish...

there were someone i cared for
who cared for me.

there. i said it. your turn.

i wish for my baby
to have a better life.

love.
money.

[ sighs ]

i should probably
get back to the office.
wait a second.

let's get
some chinese food
on the way, okay ?
okay.

*

[ "what are you doing
new year's eve" playing ]

# my, my, my, my #

# maybe it's much
too early in the game #

# oh, but i thought
i'd ask you just the same #

# what are you doing
new year's #

i don't think--

# new year's eve #

# whoa #

# i wonder whose arms #

# will hold you
good and tight #

# when it's exactly
12:00 at night #

# welcoming in
the new year #

# new year's eve #

is it making you nervous
to dance with me ?
i'm not nervous at all.

# maybe i'm crazy #

# to suppose #

# i'd ever be #

# the one you chose #

# out of a thousand #

# invitations #

# you've received #
dancing with you...

makes me feel
all fluffy,

like i was dancing
on a cloud.

* [ continues ]

in my work, i deal
with all kinds of people.

none of them are what
you might call conventional,
and neither am i.

*

# what are you doing
new year's #

# new year's eve #

# shoo-bop, shoo-bop
ooh #

*
you're a marvelous dancer.

thank you.

*

*

philip ?
[ gasps ]

[ gasps, turns off music ]

this is shocking.
completely shocking.
i am suing you.

do you hear ?
for what ?

withholding information,
psychic stress, stupidity...

[ inhales deeply ]
and obviously improper
office behavior.

mrs. munchnik--
i am calling
the los angelestimes.

i am calling
the los angelestimes !
they'll do a hatchet job.

they're going to do
a puff piece on us !

i may be temporarily jobless
thanks to you.

but you will be jobless forever.
i will see to that !

i was only trying
to be kind. i thought
i could figure out a way.

we only need $5,000
to tide us over.

that is practically
your annual salary.
you are a failure.

i will see to it that
you stay that way !
mrs. munchnik, please.

i suppose catherine
knew about this.

i suppose
she was in cahoots.

that catherine.
she is the most devious
woman i have ever met.

catherine is the kindest,
most gentle creature
on the face of the earth.

catherine wants to rip
your clothes off, philip.

she does ?

under that mousy exterior
lies smoldering lust.

really ?

catherine isn't speaking
to me right now.
i'm not surprised.

before she wasn't speaking
to me, she said she would
pray for a miracle.

that is pathetic.

do not walk me to my car.
stay right there.

merry christmas.

merry christmas.

and say hello to your dead
sister's husband for me.

my dead husband's sister,
if you don't mind.

[ sighs ]

[ engine chugs, stops ]

[ engine chugs slowly, stops ]

[ chugging slower, stops ]

# new year's eve #

# new year's #

# eve #
[ screams ]

are you crazy ?
are you insane ?

* [ continues ]
all i do all day is deal
with nuts like you !

*

oh, my god !
catherine was right.
in person, i'm a disaster !

i am so sorry.
i really didn't mean it.

please.
no apology is necessary.

i understand completely.

[ sighs ]

good-bye.

[ sighs ]

when is the automobile
club coming ?
in a half hour.

oh. i used to be
in the automobile club,

but they found out
i didn't have a car,
so they kicked me out.

they're a little uptight
over there.
catherine.

catherine, my goodness,
what have you done
to yourself ?

you've lost
your identity.
i have not.

i'm hungry.
i'm gonna die.
are you about to eat ?

yes.
allow me to contribute
a fruitcake.

be sure you serve it to that
male colleague you so admire...

who is upstairs
at this moment dancing
with a strumpet...

while lifesavers
goes up in smoke.
[ gracie ] catherine,

our food's
getting cold.
is it susan ?

is susan with him ?
[ laughs ]
hardly.

catherine,
you look cool.
thank you, louie.

i was wondering if i could
sing my song for you now ?
i'd like nothing more.

[ door opens ]
[ sighs ]

catherine, is that... you ?

[ gracie ]
oh, i'm gonna do you too,
philip,

because you and catherine
do not go together anymore.

[ catherine ]
philip and i have never
gone together.

you weren't together,
but you definitely matched.

come on, philip,
get up.

what about me ?
i want to match too.
listen, i'll get to you...

in a second, okay ?
what's he doing here ?

# hello *

i invited him.
don't you have someone
here yourself ?

- i most certainly do not !
- [ scoffs ]
someone left her cape.

- someone lefthiscape.
- really, philip.

[ departing footsteps ]

[ sighs ]

where is felix ?
oh, right.
he's at the hospital.

# felix is in the hospital *

[ p.a. system ]
dr. blair. dr. blair.

dr. jay hamilton.
dr. jay hamilton.

60 by pal.
ten dopamine drip.

okay, as soon
as we get
into the unit.

okay. i'll get
a 12-lead.
let's go !

does he have any family ?

[ muttering ]

* [ ukulele strumming ]

# to catherine #

# i wonder whether your name #

# starts with a "c" or a "k" #

# i wonder
whether you prefer #

# almond joy to milky way #

# i wonder
whether you sleep #

# to the left
or to the right #

# i wonder
who you think would win #

?
# if me and philip
got into a fight ?

# oh, so many things
for me to wonder #

# so very pretty #

# i wonder when elliot
said good-bye to e.t. #

# did you break down
and cry #

# i wonder if i gave you
pudding, eggs and flour #

# could you
make a boston cream pie #

?
# i wonder if your eyes close ?

?
# when you come in for a kiss ?

# i wonder if we had a baby #

# would you object
to having abris #

# oh, so many things
for me to wonder #

# oh, i love grape jelly #
# [ gasps ]

that's it ?

it's a work in progress.
it may never be finished.

oh, louie.

[ catherine continues clapping,
sighs ]

that was so sweet
of you, louie.

if it's not too much to ask,
would you mind passing
the chow mein ?

no one ever wrote a song
for me before.

i can't believe it.
who ate all
the water chestnuts ?

i wrote it longhand.
where are
the water chestnuts ?

it took me eight months.
i had to quit my job.

presents that you
make yourself are always
the most special.

don't you think ?
where did this fruitcake
come from ?

that weird lady gave it to us.

what ingratitude !
i give her a gift from
the bottom of my heart...

and she abandons it
as if it meant nothing !

[ glass shattering ]

[ whimpering ]

oh ! oh !

oh.
[ gasping ]

[ whimpering ]

[ crying ]

[ sobbing ]

look, there's
the dog hater.

mrs. munchnik ?
what ?

[ sniffs, sobs ]

mrs. munchnik,
what can i do you for ?
[ sobbing ]

[ sniffling ]
what is it ? tell me.
what can i do you for ?

[ sighs, inhales ]

that's just
what my dead husband
always used to say.

- what ?
- "what can i do ya for ?"

[ sniffling continues ]

well, um--
[ clears throat ]

i'll, uh--
[ sighs ]

[ inhales ]

i'll tell you what you
can "do me for," mr. lobel.

[ inhales ]

]
* [ men screaming, chattering

* [ screaming continues ]

# jingle bells, jingle bells #

# jingle all the way #

# jingle bells, jingle bells #
on the beach !
on the beach !

# jingle all the way #

# we want to wish you #
[ munchnik laughing ]

# a merry christmas #

# we want to wish you #
[ laughter continues ]
oh, god !

# a merry christmas #

# we want to wish you #

# a merry christmas #

# we want to wish you #
[ barking ]

# a merry christmas *

i don't care
what she did to you.

- it's dangerous to throw things
out of windows.
- i completely agree.

do you work here ?
i mean, excuse me, but we are
discussing office behavior.

since you don't work here
and we do, at least for
six more days,
[ gasps ]

you cannot participate.
[ phone ringing ]

somebody's not
in the holiday mood, i guess.
[ laughs, strums ]

hello. lifesavers.
i'm listening.
is this kentucky fried chicken ?

[ door slams shut ]

the crazy person is back.

what do you want ?
do you have
any breasts ?

i forgot my cape.

that's who you were
dancing with ?
she insults me too.

my god, if you don't have
tits like dolly parton,
no one wants you.

thanks
for the memories !

[ bangs into door ]

merry christmas to all,
hello. hello ?
[ dial tone ]

and to all a good night.

oh, my god ! felix, what now ?

[ barking ]

gracie, come back to me,
honey, please.

i can't live without you.
i love you.
[ gracie ] you know what ?

we're in the middle
of dinner right now, okay ?

put that toy down
instantly !
[ felix ] toy ?

you think this is a toy, huh ?
[ gunshot ]

[ women screaming ]

felix !
what are you doing ?
this is not funny !

you'll make him nervous.
all right,
who wants to be first, huh ?

who wants to be the hero ?
felix isn't such a bad guy.
he just gets upset.

oh, right !
because you're insane,
that's why !

wait 'til i get home with you !
have you considered
marriage counseling ?

think about the baby !
i love you !
[ gunshot ]

[ screams ]
[ philip ] gracie,
make an effort ! compromise !

[ catherine ]
he loves you.
[ felix ] where're you going ?

catherine, you're supposed
to be protecting me !
don't run away from me.

this person will
protect me, won't you ?

so you're going to shoot
a pregnant woman ?
no. i'm gonna shoot you.

hmm.
mr. santa, listen to me.

i'm sure this young woman
has plenty of reason
to hate you. we all do.

but that's no reason
to shoot someone now,
is it ?

so, please...

put the little pistol down.
no.

[ groans ]

hey ! hey !
stop ! stop !
[ screaming ]

[ screaming continues ]

ow ! ow ! ow !

he shot my foot !
ow ! ow ! ow !
felix, you are a maniac !

everybody blames me
for everything.

i can't look.
am i bleeding ?

oh, my god, i'm going
to bleed to death.

* [ strumming ]
someone call my mother.
don't touch me !

i forbid you to touch me !
just call a doctor.

stop pointing that
gun at me ! stop !

felix, we have to stop
playing with guns now.

don't just take it.
you have to empty it.

[ gunshots ]

gracie, for god sakes,
what are you doing ?
give me that !

[ gracie ]
i am emptying it !
[ philip ] let go !

i can't believe
you would do that !
i am sick of him !

he is a nut case !
[ yelling ]
[ yelling ]

i am protecting us
from him !

[ doorbell buzzing
continuously ]

[ buzzing continues ]

[ buzzing continues ]

[ buzzing continues ]

yes ?

[ doorbell stops buzzing ]

it's stanley.
who's stanley ?

[ catherine ]
stanley tanenbaum,
the landlord.

i called him
to fix the elevator.
i completely forgot.

- oh, the elevator's fixed.
-[ transvestite ]
what's going on ?

is everyone dead ?
not everyone.

[ neighbor ]
hey, what's going on up there ?
just a teeny, tiny accident.

just a weenie, woonie one.
[ neighbor ]
well, keep it down.

this isn't the fourth of july.
i know. i'm sorry.
uh, it won't happen again.

[ panting ]
we have to call the police.

uh, dial 9-1-1.
that's their number.

[ dialing ]

[ line ringing ]
they can't do anything.
he's dead !

[ ringing continues ]
[ gracie ]
philip, i didn't mean to do it.

you're not going
to turn me in, are you ?
[ ringing continues ]

you have reached
the los angeles police.

please hold on. your call
is very important to us.

* [ christmas ]
oh, philip,
is this the miracle ?

the eviction will probably
go through regardless.
this is not the miracle.

[ shivering ]
[ transvestite ]
what about me ?

- doesn't anyone care about me ?
- i'll take care of her.

i'm coming.
[ gasping ]
catherine, are you okay ?

i-i-i can't breathe.
i'm having trouble breathing.

i'm so cold.
[ shivering ]

[ shivering continues ]
catherine ? catherine.

catherine.
come on, come on.
i am so cold !

it's all right. calm down.
here, here, put your arms
around me.

come on. hold on tight.
everything's gonna be okay.

just calm down. up, easy.
over the dead body.

that's good.
yeah, i've got you.
i've got you.

just relax.
i've got you. come on.

come on. i've got you.
i've got you.

[ groaning ]

oh, my god !
[ groans ]

boy, that's just a little
scratch. it's nothing at all.
oh, my god !

my foot is completely numb !
i can tell it's going to be
very painful soon !

hmm. all right,
i'll get you some aspirin.
thank you.

or better yet,
i'll get you some tylenol
with the codeine.

uh-uh, no.
no, no, no, no.

nuprin.
that's the good stuff.

i got it.
luden's cough drops.

that'll be for me though.
i got a scratchy throat.
hmm.

just lean here, all right ?
no, just lock your knees.

[ sighs ]
now i'm gonna
run you a bath.

only this time, i'm gonna
put in some water and it'll
make you feel better.

[ catherine ]
okay.
[ water running ]

[ transvestite ]
hello ? hello ?
is anyone there ?

[ whimpering ]
i'm going to get gangrene.

would someone
please bring me a bandage ?

[ water running ]
i'm not asking
for the moon.

i'm just asking
for a bandage.
[ water running ]

all right. now,
just sit here, okay ? okay ?
are you all right ? okay.

[ transvestite ]
hello ? where are you ?

no, no, please, i'll, uh,
i'll just get it myself.

[ screams, groans, grunting ]

[ grunting continues ]

[ groaning ]
your bandage.
[ gracie ] philip !

oh, my god !
you broke my nose !

[ gracie ] philip !
what is it ?

if you call the police,
my baby's going to be born
in a jail !

your baby won't be born in jail.
my nose is my best feature !

i'm sorry ! i'm sorry !
do you promise
it won't be born in a jail ?

[ raspy voice ]
i promise !

[ transvestite ]
my face is ruined !

[ catherine ]
philip ?

here's your bandage !
[ groans ]

hey, how's it going ?
[ catherine ]
philip, help me !

do you want gracie
to help you get undressed ?

[ water running ]
do you want me
to help you get undressed ?

[ sighs ]

something's happening.

my heart is racing
and i'm feeling
all nervous and sick.

that's the way i've felt
since the day i met you.

your sweater was buttoned
funny that day.

one side stuck up higher
than the other and poked up
into your chin.

you remember that ?
i'll never forget it.

[ groaning, whimpering ]

what does it look like ?
no, don't tell me.
i don't want to know.

it's just a little
larger than usual.
hmm.

don't worry.
the swelling will go down.

it must be nice
to have your best
feature be so prominent.

my best feature's
my hands.

that's why i play ukulele.
it gets your hands
right out there, you know ?

are you a professional
ukulele player ?
oh, no. i'm a writer.

what do you write ?
t-shirts.

really ?
i wrote,
"save the dolphins."

excuse me.
what do you mean you wrote it ?

i wasn't the first person
to say it. i was the first
person to put it on a t-shirt.

oh.

did you do,
"life is a beach" ?
oh, i wish !

i met the guy who wrote that
at a party. he kind
of snubbed me, you know ?

we haven't been
properly introduced.

my name's louie.
chris.

chris.
[ chuckles ]

# ooh, chris #

# i wonder whether your name
starts with a "c" or a "k" #

# i wonder if you have
a skinny uncle harry
or a fat aunt fay #

# i wonder if you know how good
you look in those panty hose ?
?
[ giggling ]

# i wonder if you're happy that
i didn't mention anything #

# about the things
coming out of your nose #
[ snickering ]

?
[ laughing ]
# oh, so many thing
s for me to wonder ?

* [ nonsensical singing ]

* [ continues]

* [ continues ]

[ sighs ]
we could cut him up
into pieces...

and wrap him up
as christmas presents.
who would we give them to ?

* [ continues ]

[ gracie sighs ]

[ doorbell buzzes ]

[ whispers ]
check the peephole !
there is no peephole.

- [ buzzing continues ]
- oh, how convenient.

philip, it's susan.

what is it ?

i need to see philip. i think
i've made a terrible mistake.

he's taking a bath
with catherine.
would you like to wait ?

no.
good, 'cause there's enough
going on here as it is.

if only we could
disguise him as something.

# oh, christmas tree #

# oh, christmas tree #

#?
# how lovely are thy branches ?

catherine was, uh,
very distressed, so naturally,
i had to comfort her. ah.

[ catherine, philip
clear throats ]

[ gasps ]
where's stanley ?

where is he ?
what did you do with it ?

he's in the tree.

in the tree ?

he is the tree.
[ sighs ]

i wrapped him up
in those potato sacks.

[ gracie sighs ]
oh, my god.

they're burlap, which is really
itchy unless you're dead.

me and felix took branches
off the old tree and we just
stuck 'em on.

[ catherine ]
how ?
[ felix ]
super glue.

[ gracie ]
it's the most amazing invention.
pull on one of those branches.

i'm telling you,
you could chin yourself
on this tree.

[ felix ]
fortunately,

the guy had a good posture.
i admire a man
with good posture.

felix has
lovely posture.
thank you, honey.

it's just as well
we're going out of business !

i am totally incompetent !
i'm like job !
philip, really !

well, then, all right,
i'm not like job !

but look at me,
pretending to save lives.

there's nothing
in the refrigerator !

i couldn't save a life
if my life depended on it !
[ sighs ]

we have been here
for six years, and what
do we have to show for it ?

a dead body.

a dead body disguised
as a christmas tree.
[ philip ] thank you.

thank you for reminding me.

i got a plan.

felix always has a plan.
i am so proud of you, honey.

we take it downstairs.
we leave it
on the boardwalk.

- that's it ?
- yeah.

[ philip ] that is not
really a plan, felix.
what's wrong with it ?

a plan is supposed
to have more than one part.

it's supposed to go like,
"first we do this, and then we
do this, and then we do this."

i don't appreciate
you talking to felix
this way.

we're just trying
to help you out here,
philip.
yeah.

[ sighs ]
you want a plan ?
first we take it downstairs.

then we leave it
on the boardwalk.
then we go home.

we just leave it standing
like the city put it there.
nobody will notice.

- and when the city
takes it down ?
- we're outta there !

what's
going on ?

[ chris ]
something wrong ?
[ philip ] nothing at all.

felix and gracie have turned the
landlord into a christmas tree.

now we're going
to take it down and
leave it on the boardwalk !

now that's a good plan.
we'll help you.

be careful now.
don't let the branches fall off.

what about
stanley's bag ?

[ felix ]
we'll leave it under the tree
and let somebody swipe it.

only some of us should go.
we don't want to attract
attention.

i'm with you.
i'm going !
okay, the two of us.

we want to go too.
yeah,
we made it.

okay, four.
i'd like to go.

i promise not to attract
any attention.
six, but that's it.

we should try
to act jolly.
i'll sing.

?
# deck the halls
with boughs of holly ?

[ all ]
# fa-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la #

?
# 'tis the season to be jolly ?

# fa-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la #

# don we now
our gay apparel #

# fa-la-la-la-la-la
la-la-la #

# troll the ancient
yuletide carol #

# fa-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la #

# hey #

[ louie softly ]
# if you get all weird
this christmas #

# scooby-dooby-doo
pop-pop-fizz-fizz #

# we could really
use your business #

# scooby-dooby-doo
let's eat cheeze whiz #
[ munchnik ] i'll be there.

# sit in a garage
and turn on the ignition *
[ laughing ]

[ munchnik ]
philip ! catherine !

merry christmas.
are you dismantling
the office already ?

where are you going
with our tree ?

- it's not our tree.
really, it's not.
- it is, too, our tree.

i recognize the red
cellophane thingy.
[ whimpering, barking ]

the dogs.
keep those
mutts away.
shoo !

may i ?
by all means,
blanche.

here, doggies.
here, doggies.

there's a good girl.
come to mommy.
yeah, what a good girl.

they definitely
did it.
[ gasps ]

# deck the halls
with boughs of holly #

# fa-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la #

?
# deck the halls
with balls of holly #
# 'tis the season to be jolly ?

# fa-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la #
# don we now our gay apparel #

?
# 'tis the season
to be jolly #
# fa-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la ?

?
# fa-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la #
# fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ?

# don we now our gay apparel #
# see the blazing yule
before us #

# fa-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la #
[ dogs howling ]

# la-la-la, oh, the ancient #
# fa-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la #

# follow me in merry measure #

# fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
while i tell of yuletide
treasure #

# fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ?
#?
oh, my god !
it's the rollerbladers !

- it's them !
oh, no, they're back !
- it's the tree haters !

-[ felix ] let's get them !
- your tree is history !
payback time !

- watch out !
- other way, other way, other
way !

- you ruined our christmas !
- no ! don't !

-[ munchnik ] look out !
- merry christmas from doug
and carol ferguson !

[ yells ]

[ thud ]

# oh, tannenbaum #

# oh, tannenbaum, oh #

# how lovely are #

# are thy branches *

[ siren fades ]

[ indistinct
radio transmission ]

we've got one dead body
at 517 ocean park walk.

request for the coroner
and homicide unit
to respond.

[ indistinct
radio dispatcher ]
okay, what happened ?

[ dispatcher continues ]
who is this ?

[ crowd chattering ]
[ officer ] come on.
who knows what happened ?

i do.

our landlord,
stanley tanenbaum,

has committed suicide
out of guilt over
his condominium conversion.

and these two people,
these two incompetent people,

but never mind, were so
tormented that they could
not prevent a suicide,

that they tried
to hide it from the world.

actually, uh,
that's not what happened.
obviously.

what happened was...

it was christmas eve,
and felix...

just happened to drop by...

with his gun.
[ officer ]
who is felix ?

all right,
i'm felix.

i did it.

okay, felix, spread your legs,
put your hands behind your back.
let's go.

just because he's an ex-con,
you blame it on felix.

well, officer,
here's your big murder weapon.
don't, gracie !

no, no, gracie,
you can't !
i did it !

felix !
stop !
[ crowd clamoring ]

santa !
mommy, it's santa !

felix, what are you doing ?
[ felix ] i can't live
without you, gracie !

[ siren wailing ]
if you go to jail,
i might as well be dead !

no ! [ gasps ]
[ officer ]
everybody move back !

move back immediately !
we have a very dangerous
condition !

felix, it was an accident !

they're not gonna convict me.
now come down !

well, what if they do ?
i can't take a chance
on the criminal justice system !

i went to jail for nothing !
they could do it to you !
no ! no, stop !

philip, you've got to do
something ! you've got
to save him !

felix, i just want you to know,
i forgive you for shooting me
in the foot.

[ felix ]
i don't care !
okay.

- [ grunting ]
- felix, stop ! listen to me !

[ gasping ]
don't you want to spend
christmas with your baby ?

don't you want to see him
open his first present ?

what was your first present,
felix ?

- hubcaps.
- huh.

now i can't
even afford hubcaps !

felix, you know something ?

you're not upset
because you're broke.

[ felix ]
i'm not ?
no.

you're not upset
because you're an artist
who may never...

have any place to paint
as long as you live.

i'm not ?
[ philip ] no.

and you're not upset
because the woman you love...

may go to jail
for a very long time.

- i'm not ?
- no.

you're upset
because it's christmas.

christmas is a time
when you look at your life
through a magnifying glass,

and whatever you don't have
feels overwhelming.

being alone is so much
lonelier at christmas.

everything sad
is so much sadder at christmas.

you can't give in
to this, felix !

i thought today was going to be
the worst day of my life,

but, then, something wonderful
and unexpected happened !

first, something horrible
and unexpected happened.

actually, three horrible
and unexpected things happened,

but then something wonderful.

the holidays
aren't over yet, felix.

they're not over for you,
and they're not over for gracie.
who knows ?

who knows ?
there's magic at christmas.

and i'll bet, if you come down,
you'll find that out.

[ sniffling ]
i love you, felix !

i love you so much, gracie !

come on down, felix.
it's almost midnight.

[ crowd applauding, cheering ]
[ laughing ]

[ applauding,
cheering continue ]

bravo !
[ laughing ]

[ approaching footsteps ]
we'll have a van here
in a few minutes.

we'll take you all
down to the station
for questioning.

this bag belongs
to stanley.

[ indistinct radio
transmission ]

brian.
what have you got here,
rizzo ?

whoa !
fp-242, notify watch
commander, please.

where'd you get this ?
take a guess.

gracie barzini ?

yes. i'm ready.
you can take me away now.

congratulations.

you have killed
the seaside strangler.
what ?

fishing twine and kelp.
oh, my god !
you're kidding me !

- stanley's the strangler ?
- i killed
the seaside strangler !

how brilliant is that,
catherine ?

isn't there a reward ?
there's a $250,000
reward.

oh, my god !
[ all screaming, laughing ]

merry christmas !
[ grunts ]

i'm the luckiest girl
in the world !

philip, i could pay
for your moving expenses.
how much do you need ?

only $5,000 !
$5,000 ?

oh, fine !
[ screaming ]

oh, i'm so happy !
this is great !
we're back in business !

thank you ! thank you !
what can i give you ?

how can i possibly
thank you ?
i know.

fruitcake.
i'm rich !

i'm rich ! i'm rich !
[ screaming ]
rich girl !

oh, no !
oh, my goodness !
what is it ?

what's the matter,
honey ? what ?
my water just broke !

you're just going into labor.
we have plenty of time.
no, i'm having it !

[ catherine ] are you sure ?
[ gracie ]
yes, i'm sure !

- philip ?
- dr. kinsky'll help us !

- what ?
- [ all ] she's having a baby !

uh... uh, bring her
over by the tree !

ouch !
[ kinsky ] by the tree.
officer, could you please help ?

i'll take her !
here, here. wait a minute !
lift up my leg, you moron !

out of the way !
out of the way !

we're having a baby !
woman with a baby !

get out of the way !
all right, put her down
right here.

right here. here.
right here.
[ screaming ]

[ kinsky ]
okay, okay, you're doing great.
[ breathing hard ]

i'm having it !
i know, i know. just relax.
everything's gonna be fine.

it's gonna come out, right ?
no, no, no.
it's gonna come out.

you're doing great.
you're in good hands.

i've done this hundreds
and hundreds of times.
[ lamaze breathing ]

aren't you a veterinarian ?
yes, but it's
the same basic concept.

[ screaming ]
okay, relax and breathe.

i'm not relaxed !
then just be anxious
and breathe.

breathe deep !
that's it. okay.
it's starting to come !

it's starting to come !
okay, more breathing.
you're telling me !

all right, here we go !
all right, here we--
[ blowing hard ]

another contraction,
and then give me
another big push !

[ groaning ]
there we go !
look, i can see--

would you shut up ?
just trying to help.

all right,
you give me another big push.

[ gracie, felix screaming ]

the head is starting to come.
it's starting to come.
breathe a little deeper.

oh, my god !

no !

[ baby crying ]

[ crying continues ]

[ cooing ]
[ sniffles ]

yeah.
[ chuckles ]

* [ organ playing
"silent night" ]

it's christmas.

* [ continues ]

merry christmas.
[ crowd ]
merry christmas.

merry christmas.
[ giggles ]

what shall we do
for christmas ?

i don't know.
what shall we do ?

let's get married.

this is the miracle.

[ bell ringing ]

[ felix ]
merry christmas !

merry christmas !

[ ringing ]

merry christmas !

# children carry
through the streets #

# a brightly painted star #

# angels gather
'round the hearth #

# strumming on guitars #

# men of great
renown and faith #

# say prayers
on boulevards #

# it's the night
before christmas #

# but you don't have
to be an angel #

# to sing harmony #

# and you don't have
to be a child #

# to love the mystery #

# and you don't have
to be a wise man #

# on bended knee #

?
# the heart of this christmas ?

# is in you and me #

# the night #

# before christmas #
# ooh-ooh #

# the night before christmas #

# if your heart's
been longing #

# and you've been
afraid to try #

# if sorrow's
kept you company #

# and the dance
has passed you by #

# i'll lift you up
and blaze with you #

# across the moonlit sky #

# on the night
before christmas #

# because you don't have
to be an angel #

# to sing harmony #

# and you don't have
to be a child #

?
# to love the mystery #
# mystery ?

# and you don't have
to be a wise man #

# on bended knee #

?
# the heart of this christmas ?

# is in you and me #

?
# the heart of this christmas ?

# is in you #

?
# and me #
# ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ?

# ooh-ooh-ooh ?
?
# the night #

# before christmas #
# before christmas #

# the night #

# before christmas #

# the night #
# the night
before christmas #

# before christmas #
# and all through the house #

# not a creature
was stirring #
# the night #

# not even a mouse #
# before christmas *

closed-captioned by
captions, inc. los angeles

# christmas eve
i'm waitin' #

# st. nick
i ain't fadin' #

# this year
no slackin' #

# your case
i'm crackin' #

# them milk and cookies
ain't caught you yet #

# got a little something specia
by the tv set #

# good news
hey, santa #

# cashews and pecans #

# hooray, hosanna #

# santa can't resist
those mixed nuts #

# chick-peas, split peas
chestnuts, chinese #

# pine nuts, peanuts
and pistachios #

# no nog, no turkey #

# just beer nuts
and beef jerky #

# tastes good
so salty #

# with something
cold and malty #

# all the fellas at work
say i'm out of my mind #

# but if i stay awake
i'm gonna get you this time #

# good news
hey, santa #

# cashews and pecans #

# hooray, hosanna #

# santa can't resist
those mixed nuts #

# acorns, almonds
barcelona amazons #

# black carpathians
giant macadamia #

# i wake up
kind of dimly #

# see a boot
scootin' up the chimney #

# jump up
and try to pull it #

# disappears
faster than a bullet #

# six empty jars
layin' on the floor #

# next christmas eve
there'll be ten times more #

# good news
hey, santa #

# cashews and pecans #

# hooray, hosanna #

# santa can't resist
those mixed nuts #

# good news
hey, santa #

# cashews and pecans #

# hooray, hosanna #

# santa can't resist
those nuts *

---the end---