All language subtitles for Kroll.Show.S02E11.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- Hey, man,
what's up?

- Not too much.
- Cool.

My name's bee-czar.
You like carnivals?

- They're okay.

- You should try blisteritos.

They'll blow your mi-I-ind!

Eating a blisterito
is like having

A thousand bees sting
the inside of your body.

Yo, I'm a straight-up bee.

It's real.

[monitor beeps]

- Hi.

So what's the problem?

- He ate a blisteritos,

And now he has ended up
stuck like this.

- There is
a class action lawsuit

Being brought
against blisteritos.

And you and your son
are eligible to participate,

But your son would have to never
eat blisteritos ever again.

- Uh-uh.
No.

- Blisteritos--
they'll blow your mi-I-ind.

- Next.

[dubstep music]

♪

- I'm liz.

- And I'm liz.

This year I'm gonna discover
who I am.

- I love to have fun, but now
I'm having fun for two.

Our p.R. Firm is called
publizity.

[both slurping]

- It plays off our name.

We have a meeting
with the ceo of blisteritos,

A company under fire.

Blisteritos is in need
of a makeover.

- I'm sure you've heard
we're in the middle

Of a class-action lawsuit.

- I know.
Congratulations.

- No, it's bad.
- Oh.

- It's really bad.

Due to blisteritos
causing facial

And head damage
to everyone

Who eats it,
volcano head.

- I think you're looking
on, like,

A negative side of things,
and, like,

Let's look at the positive
aspect of your product.

- Okay.
- This is, like,

A healthy product,
and it's, like, delicious.

- Mm-hmm.
- It is not healthy.

I can't say if it's delicious.
I've never eaten it.

- Yeah, but, like, any press
is good press.

- No, this is
unanimously terrible press.

- Really?
- Oh, it's bad.

- So the heads got,
like, ruined?

- 400 fatalities.
- Wow.

- That's it?

How about we just, like,

Dig into some ideas?

- Love it.
- How does that sound?

Like, 'cause, like, we put
together a binder

With the name
of our company on it.

It's, like, not a big deal.

Okay, here's the idea.

It's called the blisteritos bus,

And we send it
to the inner city.

Like, that's where, like,
the black kids are

Whose faces have all been
[bleep] up by blisteritos.

- I don't think we want show
a lot of the kids

With the volcano heads.

We tried that in a campaign.

People hated seeing them.

- Fyi, like, in college
my nickname was,

Like, volcano head.

Because, like,
I would suck guys off,

And their--well,
they would just erupt.

- Great.
We should go out sometime.

- Oh, my god.

- Am I, like, stroking out
right now?

When I first met trav,
I was, like, repulsed by him,

But, like, as he became
more interested in liz,

I was like, "this guy's
actually gorgeous."

- We really need
to just seem fun.

Blisteritos are fun.

They don't kill children.

- Right. Ooh, we could do, like,
an app that counts,

Like, the deaths.

- Oh, my god.
Okay, okay, how about this?

Okay...

- That's good.
We already sponsor their show.

So that's--
that's perfect actually.

- Oh, my god.
- Wait, is this, like,

Graduation, like,
actually gonna happen?

Like, do you know if, like,
c-czar will be there?

- Oh, c-czar will be there.

- Really?
- Yeah, and you guys

Will be there.
- Really?

- And I want to know
whatever that,

Like, trash ride is
that got him pregnant

By that toilet baby.

- I know. Who would sleep
with a toilet baby?

- Honestly, though, like,
if you actually look at it,

Like, it could be, like,
a businesswoman

Who, like, loves to have fun.

- As a sponsor,
I know for a fact

They're revealing the mother.

- [screams]

- Yo, what's up, tv,
I'm c-czar.

Blah, blah, blah.

I'm about to become
a teenage dad.

And now if I want
to be in my baby's life,

I need to learn
a whole new set of skills.

Welcome...
- To dad academy graduation.

I'm walter, but you know me
better as the wallet.

- Why are you talking
to me like this?

- It's your graduation.

- Yo, it's graduation day.

I'm excited
I'm gonna see my baby mama,

But first I gotta get
through this ceremony.

- You know, the headmaster's
done such a great job,

It's hard to remember
he's a baby.

- I want to go home.

- Kevin, those weird-ass bangs
make you look

Like a weirdo gay marine now.

- Don't call me a gay marine.

My mother was in the marines.

She was stationed
on the u.S.S. Malibu.

Have some respect.

- You don't have to prove

Anything to me, c-czar.

- I don't even
remember getting

Any lessons from you.

- I love you no matter what.
- Awesome!

- You can play video games
all day.

- Cool.
- You can get hooked

On methamphetamines.
- Good.

- I still care about you.

I'm unconditional love.

- He's my favorite.
He's my favorite.

- Well, hear me out.

Unconditional love
is just one member

Of your team here.

Were you to follow his advice
exclusively,

It could lead you
down some dangerous roads.

- Okay.
Graduations are boring.

I'm out.
[bleep] you, c-czar.

- What do you want, c-czar?

- Let's go destroy stuff.

- I won't love you any less

If you do.
- Oh, snap.

Now pretty liz
and c-czar

Are having a baby.

People don't know that
on this show.

- No one knows.
- Nobody knows.

Was that hard
to keep that a secret?

[laughter]

For pretty liz.
- It was, like, probably

The hardest thing that liz
has ever had to do in her life.

- Do you think pretty liz
likes liz?

- I think that beefy liz has--
[laughter]

- Her name is just liz.
Her name is liz.

She's got feelings.
- Has way more of a heart

Than pretty liz,
but I don't think

Pretty liz is a bad person.

I think she's just a dumbass.
- Yeah.

- A deep, deep, deep dumbass.

- Tell me--listen
so I don't make any mistakes.

Tell me, what am I allowed
to say, and what can I not say

If I write a blog post
about being out in l.A.?

- Uh-huh.
- I don't ever want

To say the wrong thing.

Can I say I did the red carpet,

There was a lot of big stars?

- Yeah, I wouldn't mention
the product.

I would keep the details
a little vague.

- Yeah, okay.

[dance music]

♪

- The blisteritos
presents dad academy

Congraduritos red carpet
viewing party

Is off to a blistering start.

There were so many amazing
guests at the red carpet--

A guy from pawnsylvania came.

- What's up, weirdo?
Yeah!

- Keith shawn was there.

- So I became a fashion designer
this week,

And I made
these really cool bags.

- These are amazing.

- Yeah, they're really great.
They're not reversible,

And they light
on fire very quickly.

- Oh, my god.
That's perfect for blisteritos.

Oh, my god, it's katy perry.
Oh, my god.

Nice to see you again.
Liz from publizity.

Sorry my hands are so cold.
- That's okay.

- It's like, oh, my god,
katy perry showing up?

Yeah, okay,
not a big deal.

Huge deal.
- I've been hearing a lot

Of things about blisteritos,

That they really, like,
are painful

When people put them
in their mouths.

- Those are, like, rumors, and
they've been, like, debunked.

Like, completely,
like, debunked.

So there's nothing to, like,
really worry about.

So what we're gonna have you do
is just, like,

Walk the red carpet--
- you know what, I really can't.

I didn't want to
make a big deal out of it,

But I actually have my own
flamin' hot pop chip coming out.

- Congraduritos.

- I'm sorry.

- Blisteritos are really good.
You should try one.

They're, like, actually, like--

They're actually really good.

- Are you okay?
- Mm-hmm.

It's really nice.

- So there's no other way out,
right?

- Did you get one of these?
- Excuse me.

- Did you get one
of these to hold?

- No, sorry, I can't.

I can't.
This is a conflict of interest.

- Liz is pregnant,
and she's being, like,

A real bitch right now,
and I met this guy,

And he's, like, the guy
from blisteritos,

And, like, he's really nice,

But it's like...
[babbling incoherently]

If you don't walk
the red carpet--

- I'm sorry. Ruth!
Both: Ruth!

Ruth!
- Ruth.

- Who's ruth?
- Excuse me, I have to go.

I can't answer any more
of your questions.

- Oh, my god, please, katy,
please.

Katy, no, katy.
- No, no, no, no.

- Katy, come here.
Katy.

- Katy perry!
I'm c-czar's mom.

Hi.
- Hi.

Jeffrey gurian
from comedy matters tv.

- Hey.
- Hey, how are you?

- C-czar's mom.
- Wow.

- Yeah.
- You must be so proud.

- So proud and a star
on dad academy.

You saw me on dad academy.
- Incredible.

Oh, what a night for c-czar.
- Such a night.

My baby's here. Has he told you
about mom academy?

- No, he hasn't said a word.

- He's probably not come down
the red carpet yet.

- It's incredible for a toilet
baby to come this far.

- There's really nothing wrong
with this stuff.

- You know, he's brave,
he's powerful.

- [groans]
where's liz?

- ♪ I'll treat you right ♪

- So I was, like,
walking by the pool,

But, as I was walking,
I fell asleep,

And, when I fell into the pool,
I hit the water super hard,

But I still didn't even wake up,

And, like,
I could have died away.

- And that's why you didn't go
to the viewing party?

- What?
No, oh, I thought

We were talking about why
I'm afraid for summer.

I'm not going
to the viewing party

Because blisteritos dust
causes miscarriages.

And, like, also I, like,
can't see the mystery dad.

- Oh.
Who's the mystery dad?

- This has to stay
just between us.

- Okay, I promise.

- The father of my child is...

[slurps]

C-czar.

- [squeals]

First of all,
like, what the [bleep]

Is going on here?

- You got new lips
without me?

- No, these are
blisterito lips,

Which you would have known
if you had been

At the red carpet,
but you weren't,

Because you were here telling
cassandra

That your baby daddy
is c-czar?

- I'm being here held hostages
by cassandra,

Who basically snuck up to me
like a poisonous snake

And, like, grappled her arms
around me

And just, like, twisted
the truth out of me.

Like, she tried to, like,
murder me!

- Like, she might be, like,
a murderer,

But, like, I thought we were,
like, best friends.

- Liz, it was hard
for me to share it,

Because, like, he's,
like, disgusting.

And, like, believe it or not,

I love to have fun.

- Well, it looks like
you've been having all the fun

By not telling me
the truth about things.

- Like, I'm having a baby.

- I know you're having a baby!
- [screams]

- I know you're having a baby.

Everybody knows
you're having a baby.

Like, we agreed upon it
with everybody,

Including the producers,
that this was gonna be my year.

And now you've
just [bleep] me over, okay?

I went to this red carpet event
all by myself,

And it was a disaster.

Trav wasn't even there.

Nothing good happens
for me ever,

And all of a sudden
you're pregnant

By, like, a hot toilet baby?

I was supposed
to be happy for you--

- Liz, honestly,
I am not gonna stand here

And get beasted into
if you don't simmer down.

- No, no, no, I don't accept it!
I don't accept it anymore!

- [gasps]
you lost my niece denise!

My niece denise is coming
to visit me in los angeles.

I'm aunt elizabeth's,
um, niece denise.

- You know what,
I just have to take this call.

You guys sit down
and figure it out.

- Wait, um, liz?
- No, I gotta take this call.

- Liz?
- I'll see you guys in a minute.

- You're my niece now.

[muffled chatter]

[people chattering]

- What the--
hey, that's perverted.

Quit--what are you--quit--

Quit it!

Holy smokes.

Get--

- Oh, denise.
- Denise.

- What's going on?

- Hey, aspen, hey, wendall.

I'm just wondering if you've got
my aunt elizabeth at this point.

- Oh.

- What's the situation again?
- Yeah.

- Okay, I came to california

To visit my aunt elizabeth.

By some sort of mix-up
I wound up with a photographer

Who left me here and then I went
into the doghouse to rest.

- You're our rescue girl.
- Right, you're the doghouse--

- But not because
I'm in trouble.

- I just want you to know
that you're our rescue girl

Because the [bleep] aspca won't
let us take pitbulls anymore.

- Yeah, they think
we're fighting them.

All we're doing
is just drowning them.

[glass dinging]
- everybody in. 'suela?

- Wendy and I would
like to say a few words.

- Okay.

Now, you're probably
all wondering

Why you're dressed
as movies, right?

So this is a celebration
of aspy and I's

Exit from the film industry.

- You see,
we started as fans.

And then we became
very active filmmakers.

But we've decided
to return to our roots

As fans.

And we want to
do it with you,

Our closest current
drug-using friends.

Let's have fun tonight.

Guys, this isn't a funeral,
this is a rebirth.

- A phoenix.

[applause]
- do drugs and be merry.

- Have a great time.
Boogie nights.

Whoa, you wigging out?

- I'm just gonna
go to the chill room

And smoke opium
legend of the fall style.

What's up, chill room?
Aspy brucks in the hizzle.

- Hey.
- How's it going, man?

- Oh, my god,
no, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Dude.
Jon heder is "jon here-r."

- Yeah.

- Dude, check it out.

"vote for pedro."

- Yeah, no, it never gets old.
It's awesome.

- Is everybody, like, glomming
onto you and being crazy?

- No, not really.
- 'cause if they are you sh--

Feel free to leave.

- Oh, no, I mean it's cool.

I mean, people
are being really great.

- Oh, you should
just get outta here, then.

- Yeah, um...

- You know, I'm dressed
as your character,

And I feel like
you're kind of, maybe, like,

Biting a little of my style.

- I'll get out of your hair.
I mean, I don't wanna--

- Oh, cheers.
Thank you so much.

Cheers, cheers.

- Yeah, I don't want
to hurt the party.

- No, cheers, then.
- Yeah, I'll get out.

Are you--okay.

- Thank you so much for coming.

- I don't think there's
an un-awkward way of doing that.

- No. Cheers.

- But yeah, man.
- Yeah, man, totally.

- I just--
I wanted to thank you--

- Do you wanna smoke opium
out of my dick?

Welcome
to dad academy after dark:

C-czar's fall from grace.

- Now, c-czar needs
to blow off some steam.

So I'm taking him
to some rich guy's party

In the hollywood hills.

- Ron funches,
tiny professor--

Those are two mother[bleep]
I can trust.

- Sometimes
you gotta be tested

To find out
what type of man you are.

I'll take you right back.

- I'm not going back
to no graduation, man.

I'm running away from that.

I don't need
that kind of [bleep].

Oh, snap! It's charlie
from the chocolate factory!

Jabba the slut!
Oh, no, it's kung fu panda!

Get the [bleep]
outta my way, man!

Oh, snap.
What's going on, ladies?

How you feeling?
- O.M.G.!

- Ladies and gentlemen,

It's james franco
from spring brockers!

Bro, check it.
Gosling from drive.

How are you?

- I don't know what
you're talking about, man.

- Oh--[laughs] you're the best,
dude. You're hilarious. Hi.

Oh, my god, ron funches,
my favorite tv lawyer.

Dude, you totally rule.

- Well, you're very scary to me.

- You're like a big couch.
I love you.

Here's costumes

From the original motion picture
dick tracy.

So just put those on. We kinda
got a film thing going on.

But film's dead to us,
so just keep that in mind, okay?

- I'm rejecting my tv show.

- Cool.
Do you want some crank?

You're the vip of this party

And I want you
to do cocaine right now.

This is terrible.

- I don't know, man,
I'm about to become a father.

And now I got this tv show.

And I'm supposed
to graduate dad academy.

But I also want to reject
all those responsibilities!

- Here's what I'm hearing.

"I'm angry, I'm good-looking,
I'm famous, let's party."

- Yeah, let's party.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- I don't care
what the wallet says.

- Cool. Yes!
[laughs]

That was a lot.

[glass shatters]
- [groans]

- Amazing.

Yeah, good.
Good, good, good.

[laughs]
- [screams]

Yeah! Yeah!

- Letting c-czar snort crank
was a mistake.

- There might be a lot
of movie villains in here,

But I'm the only real-life
villain in this party!

Blap-blap-blap-blap-
blap-blap-blap!

- At this point
I'm not so sure

If c-czar's gonna
come back to the graduation.

- Oh, snap, a doghouse.

Yo, lemme get in that doghouse.
- No, sorry, it's taken.

- Come on.

- No, I don't want--

I'm in this doghouse right now.
Please leave.

- I'm c-czar.

- My name is--I'm denise.
I'm just--I'm denise.

- Can I tell you a secret?
- Sure.

- I was crate trained.

- Well, that's cool.

- Yo, that's a cool
katniss costume.

- Yeah, I'm katniss
from the movie kat--

- Yeah, from hunger games.
- That's what I meant.

I miss my real clothes,
though.

Believe it or not I'm not
normally dressed like katniss.

- Then why don't you go home?

- I don't even know how to get
here, I'm not even from here.

I flew on an airplane to come
meet my aunt elizabeth.

But she didn't even come
meet me at the airport.

Now I'm living in a doghouse.

- Right? It's like
you can't trust adults.

- You can't crush the dolt?

- You can't trust adults.

- Oh, you--
well, yeah, you can.

You just have to
trust the right ones.

- Are you scared?

- I need, like,
a parent or a guardian

To get me out of here.

- I wanna be wild and
run away from responsibility,

But at the same time I'm like,
"this girl needs my help."

- I think you know what to do.

- Denise, this is my friend
ron funches.

- Are you from the original
motion picture dick tracy

Starring warren beatty and his
girlfriend at the time madonna?

- You're good at movies.
- Thank you.

- Ron funches, what should I do?
This poor girl needs help.

- Answer's on your arm, man.

Why do you think
we tattooed you?

- "making good choices,
setting limits."

I'm gonna get you
outta here, denise.

You trust me?

- Yes, c-czar.

- All right, denise.
- Okay.

- I can feel my parental
instincts kicking in.

[triumphant synthesizer music]

And I see
a little girl in need

And I wanna straight-up
help you.

Because I'm a villain.

But I'm a good villain.

- Do you like c-czar?
- I love c-czar.

And he breaks my heart
into a million pieces.

- Mm-hmm.

- And he chokes me up.

He's so innocent.

And he just
really needs love.

- But he d--he does
have a garbage brain.

- I don't care.

- ♪ I'll treat you right ♪

- [scoffs]

Just cleaning up here
in the kitchen.

'cause someone
doesn't like to work.

Or tell her friends ideas
about who the father is.

[doorbell rings]

Can you get the door,
please?

- Liz, I'm pregnant!

- Fine, I'll get the door.

- Hey.

- Oh, my god.
It's your niece denise.

- Oh, my god.
My niece denise.

Hi, aunt elizabeth.

- Are you okay? Oh, my god.
We were so worried about you.

- What happened to your lips?

- I ate blisteritos.

- You're not
supposed to eat those.

Eight kids at our school
died of volcano head.

- No, they're fine.
Everything's fine.

- They're not fine,
they died.

I had--
we had a group funeral.

- Are you okay?
Did anybody, like, touch you?

Like, where were you?
- I'm fine.

I was at wendy
and aspen's house.

I was at a costume party.

That's why I'm dressed up
like katniss

From the hunger games.

- No, I know what it is.
Like, I'm very cool.

I know about--yeah, I get it.

Oh, my god.

You have a hand-written letter
around your neck.

I think letters are,
like, so charming.

"I found your girl
and brought her back

"'cause that's
what a daddy do.

"stay wild.

Blap, blap, blap, blap."

[gasps]

It's from c-czar.

- Oh, my god.

C-czar.

- C-czar brought her back.

Why didn't he come in?

- I think he probably
had an appointment.

- Go to him, liz.

Saying I'm sorry
is really difficult for me

'cause it's, like,
my main pet peeve.

I know I've been gone
for a number of hours,

But my life has
really changed in that time.

I love you all, and I hope I can
be a good man like you all are.

- C-czar.

- Liz.

- Oh, my god,
I love your golden hat.

Mm.

But listen, like, hats aside,
I heard the note

That you tied
to my niece denise.

You proved to, like,
the entire world

And the television audience
that, like,

You're more than a dad.

- I love you.

- Well, I basically have,
like, deep feelings for you.

And, like, I want you
to know that, like,

At this point--
[farts]

[clears throat]

- What?
- Like, at this point--

[farts, squeals]

Like, at this point--[farts]
oh, my god.

I think I'm going into labor
at this point.

That wasn't how
the sentence was gonna end,

But like, I do think I'm going
into labor at this point.

'scuse me for one moment.
- Oh, snap. No, I'll come with.

- I need to push it out
like a doodie.

[toilet flushing, baby crying]
oh, my god, thank you.

- Well? What is it?

- It's a toilet baby.

- So I know it's mine!

- Born into the toilet.

- Let's smoke blunts!

[piano music]

- ♪ hoo...

[doorbell rings]

- Hey, gorgeous.

- Hi.

- ♪ thank you
for being my daddy ♪

♪ thank you
for being my father ♪

♪ I thank you

♪

- Haha--

- [chomps]

- [buzzing]

Hey, stupid,
your bun's too boring.

Now blow up your bun
with some blisteritos!

- Blisterito bun?

- Also try the cool ranch
blisterito sauce!

It'll cool your mouth.

- Ooh, that's cool!