All language subtitles for Kroll.Show.S02E10.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- He just seems really distant,
and he's always on the phone

With someone or making plans.

He changed his email password,
which seems really suspicious.

I called bobby,
and I asked him to help me out.

- I'm robert bruscha,
aka bobby bottleservice,

Aka bobby bottleservice.

I will make sure
that you are protected,

Whatever happens here, okay?

I treat women with respect,
because, no disrespect,

There's nothing more beautiful
than a woman in need.

Because my mother
raised me right.

And when my father cheated--

When my father cheat--

I replayed it in my head
over and over.

[muttering angrily]

- Thank you.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- God, you smell amazing.

- Thanks, bobby.

- Did you eat an orange
before this?

- I just to find out
what's going on.

I mean, I've been getting sick
over it because I--

- Okay, shut up.
I just got a text message.

It's from peter paparazzo.
The deal's going down.

What's up, business associate?
- Yo, bro, check it.

Cheater, cheater, cheater,
all over the place.

- It's time to bust
some skulls, 'kay.

- Let's kill it.

- Yeah, bro.
Okay, what's going on here now?

Are you cheatin'?
- No, it's a business colleague.

- Word up, dude. Nice.
- Good stuff, bro.

- I'm lost.
- You're on the show cheatin'.

- You're cheating.
- Yeah.

- Nice job.
- So it's a good thing?

- Yeah, bro.
- Everybody does this, man.

Jfk, newt gingrich, shaggy.

- Everybody.
- That's smart.

- Maybe we'll do some shots
to bring home.

Prom pictures.
- Yeah.

- All right,
how about some pictures?

- Say "lance armstrong."

- Lance armstrong.
- Yeah.

- Say hi to your wife.
- Hi, honey.

- Does anyone have an extra
jacket or anything?

It's kind of cold out here.

- I got to break it down, bro.
How do you do it?

What's the secret?

- I appreciate you asking
because most people don't

Respect it quite as much
as you do.

The leg work is exhausting.
- Yeah.

- I have two names...Legally.
- Really?

What do you go by?
Steve and tim.

- Steve and tim. I alternate.
- Okay.

Do you buy her nice stuff,

Or are you just, like,
"flip over, weirdo?"

- I've never said, "flip over,
weirdo," to anyone.

- Sure.
Now, do you have children

That would make this
more terrible?

- Not that I acknowledge.

- Ooh.
- Wow. Oh.

- Who is this bitch, huh?

Is this the bitch that you're
cheating on me with?

- No, this is my girlfriend
who I'm with.

Right, sweetie?
- What?

What are you talking about?
- No, let me explain.

- You don't speak.
- Let me explain.

- You don't speak.
- Let me explain.

- Stop talking.
You don't speak either.

You...Speak.

- She's very much identified
the weak link here.

- I'm gay.

- Let's sit down.
Let's talk about this, okay?

- They're together.

- No.
- Are you vicky, huh?

- Let me explain
what's occurred here.

This guy didn't do anything
wrong, okay?

I'm dating vicky,
very much seriously.

But I also have
another lady, okay?

I'm the cheater.
Tim here, aka steve--

- I go by both.

- This guy's a goddamn
chivalrous friend of mine

Who stepped up to the plate when
I needed him most so that I can

Have unprotected sex
with this foreign person.

Let's go outside and do oral,

And I'll feel very much guilty
about it.

- Yes, baby, let's go.
- Okay.

- Come on.
Let's go.

- That explains that.

[dubstep music]

- You live on a boat
in san francisco--is that true?

- No, I like to sit
on the boat. I--

- Do you go--do you take
the boat out,

Or you just, like,
sit on it at the dock?

- I used to take it out.
- Uh-huh.

- And then my lack of boating
knowledge overtook me.

- Okay.
[laughs]

- [laughs] and I--
- do you ever get lost at sea?

- I didn't get lost,

But I've crashed the boat
more than once...

- Really?
- And it's discouraging to--

- How do you crash a boat?

- I'm not a good--
I'm not a captain.

I'm not a good captain
of a ship.

- In the pit of my
tar-black guts.

- Little look into the broken
mind of inuit andy again.

Feel like my cat just died.

Okay, tunes, you ready
to read aloud?

- Tunes, don't freak.
You're fantastic at the arts.

- Thanks, mikey.

[wheelchair hums]

This poem is about
our national park, banff,

And fire safety.
[clears throat]

"banff is on fire.
Conditions are dire.

"heavy, black smoke,
too much for fire fighters.

"you ever heard of alberta?

"well, the fire is mur-dah
to the national park,

"and its flora and fauna.

"I'm a banff mother hoser,
born and raised.

"I'm a banff mother hoser.
Stop the blaze.

Fire prevention!"
[applause]

- Whoa, well, all right.

Who knew we had a young drake
on our hands.

Okay, that was great,

With a positive message
about our forests.

- Mackerel, tunes.
That poem was blazing hip hop.

You could be a real rapper.

- Thanks, mikey.
Word.

[school bell rings]
- [whistling]

- Hey, legs, let's chat.

- Yeah, we need you
for our grade-13 prank.

- A prank? But it's not
mean-spirited, is it?

- Nothing too radical.

- We're going to fill up

Coach teacher's office
with pasta.

[laughter]

- Pardon, I don't think
I follow.

- We just need to fill up
your auto with pasta,

Then put it
in coach teacher's office.

- [laughs]
hmm, I have to think about it.

- Don't be such a hen,
eh, wheels?

- Okay, fair enough.

[school bell rings]

- Hey, tunes, I know you're
a first-rate rapper now,

But where are we going?

- Right there.

- It seems like a bit
of a dangerous neighborhood, no?

- I'll be fine.
I'm a real rapper now.

- Yeah, I just feel like there's
some rotten pears maybe.

- If you're going to be
such a hen about it,

You don't have to come in.

- I'm not being hen about it.

I just care about your safety.

- Don't worry about it.
I'll be fine.

- Fine, then.
Why don't you just get out?

- I need my chair, mikey.

- Oh, sorry.
I forgot about your disability.

[door-ajar alert beeper beeping]

Please don't rob us.

[school bell rings]
- okay, 10:00 poems.

We got victoria.

All right.
Please say "hither."

We got garrett.
Guys, please say "hither"

When I call your name.
Tunes?

Tunes?

Tunes?

Mikey, any idea where tunes
might be.

- She's never missed poems
class.

I'm freaking out.

Maybe she's with your baby?

- Don't talk about that.
Okay, everybody,

Robert frost is a sham.

- Coming up later tonight,
the stars of wheels, ontario,

Help choose the winners
on the season finale

Of show us your songs,
toronto.

- [singing indistinctly]

- You remind me of my dead son.

- Ooh.

- Not much of a gag reflex
on her.

- I guess my only note would be
for next time

Is for my security detail
to hold me down while you,

You know, punch me in the face

And maybe shove a roll
of loonies into my exit.

- We'll see you at the end of
the show, we'll figure it out.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
my mother.

- Hi.
- Appropriate that you're here

For bobby bottleservice day,

Since he loves his mother
so much.

- I like bob--I grew up
with a bunch of bobbys.

- Uh-huh.
- So it makes me feel like

I'm connecting with a part
of my life.

- Did you grow up with bobbys?
- Yeah.

- Is dad going to be mad?
- No.

- When I talk to dad about the
show, dad will go like,

"so is everybody just flipping
for dr. Armond?"

[laughter]

- I was charged with murder...

- Where were you when you first
discovered your wife's body?

- But got off on a technicality.

- She wearing evidence?
- No.

- I gained my freedom,
but I lost everything else,

Except, of course,
my family name.

Now, I'm serving the worst
sentence of all...

- [screaming]

- Moving back in with my father.

This is house of armond.

[insane laughter]

- Papa, have you seen my
e-reader?

- I have not, my piglet.

- You're so old.

All you do is work
with dead animals.

It's creepy.

My father's a taxidermist, and
I'm an animal plastic surgeon.

Could we be any more different?

- See, look, look--
look at this guy.

See?

I brought him back to life.

- Are those eyes permanent?
[maniacal laughter]

- No, no, I just--

I just stuck those on there

So I'd have something
to refer to.

- Ugh, this is so unfair.

I can't believe I'm back
in this house of horrors.

[eerie music]

- I love you even if you are
a murderer.

- Well, I'm not a murderer,
papa!

Why does everyone have to keep
bringing up my wife's murder?

Let's just let
sleeping dogs lie.

- How's the man of the moment?

- I'm grumpy, papa.
I want to be left alone.

- Well, in that case,
why don't we have a party?

- Nobody wants to see me.
They all think I'm a murderer.

- Invite your good friend
kelsey grammer over.

I could make some bagel bites.

- Can you just leave my room,
please.

- Don't be such a baby.

- Detective smart?
What are you doing here?

- You and me have to talk.

[dramatic music]

- [scream]

[school bell rings]
- where is he?

- Hey, garrett,
can I bum a clove?

- [laughs]

- Who's a hen now, cam?

- Wheels, you made it.

- Yeah, question is,
how are we going to get

All this pasta into
coach teacher's office?

- [speaks inaudibly]
pardon?

- The prank's on you.
[laughs]

- Wait.

- We never intended to prank
coach teacher.

Just an excuse to fill up
your auto with pasta,

And you're such a flapjack,
you did it for us.

- I knew it.
This prank was mean-spirited.

You three aren't my pals at all.

- We'll help you remove
all the pasta from your auto.

Promise, but first, may I take
a photo for the annual?

- Hush up. No.
- Hold on.

- No way.
- Say pasta.

- Stop it.
- Please.

- Put that mobile down.
No more photos.

- Hold up.
- Fine. One photo.

Ah, no way.
- Yeah. Got it!

- Tunes, you would never
do this to me.

Where in the queen's name
are you?

- Got it.
[laughter]

- Oh, there he goes.
[laughter]

[rap music in background]

♪

- Fantastic, I've messed
the street with pasta!

Pardon, I was wondering
if you'd seen my friend--

- What'd you say?
- A gun!

I feel like I've crossed the
river into detroit's 8 mile.

- Keep it down, you hosers.

- Tunes.

- Yo, tunes, you know this
cadbury cream cup?

- I don't know.
I think so.

- What have you done with her?
Have you been giving her drugs?

- [laughing]

- Tunes, it's me, mikey.
Don't you remember?

- Oh, okay, yeah, mikey,
take a hit.

- ♪ and I was your
best friend ♪

♪

♪ and you were mine

- [grunts]

- Pardon, officer...
[horse neighs]

But my friend tunes had
a bad drug trip

And needs to go
to the hospital.

[groans]
and so do I.

[horse snorts]

- All physicians, please report
to the infirmatory.

- Oh, god, mikey, I got here
as fast as I could.

- It's just a gun wound, mom.

- Oh, "just a gun wound."
oh, okay.

Why don't you take that to
the "just for laughs" festival

In montreal.
- [laughs]

- What a gorgeous room.
- It's true. And to think,

It didn't even cost us a loonie.
[laughs]

- My beautiful boy.
[cries]

Who did this to you?

Who did this to my boy?

- It was tunes.

- Tunes?
From school?

Oh, that's it.
We're going back to saskatoon.

That school is a gal-dern
carburetor.

- I'll be strong for you, mom.
[groans]

- Don't strain yourself.
- Okay.

- [sighs] here.

Brought you some lacrosse tapes.

- Ooh, my lacrosse tapes!

And some buttered tarts?

Thank goodness.
I'm totally nangered.

I haven't eaten a thing,

Although, I'm sure the food here
is de-lee-cious.

- Oh, absolutely.

[school bell rings]

Oh, mikey, I know
it's a new school,

But you're a brave guy.

- So you don't think I'm a hen?

- A hen?
Are you joshing me?

Mikey, you're the coolest canuck
since pam anderson.

- At least my mom thinks
I'm cool.

- [laughs]
you're better than cool.

- Thanks, mom.

Hey. Hey.

- Oh, hey, nice wheels.

- Here we go.
Whoa!

- ♪ relieve this experience

[funky music]

♪

- You know him as mikey from
wheels, ontario.

It's bryan la croix.
- Pardon.

- French-canadian contortionist,
julie francois.

- Bonjour.

- And from two generations
of wheels, ontario,

It's gene creemers.
- Show us your songs, toronto.

Well, here we are, and you know
the rules to the show.

Everyone wins.

- So I understand america is
building a bit of a fence there

Up against mexico.

Strikes me they should also be
building a fence against us

As it would equally serve
as our fence against them.

[laughter]

The canadian national anthem is
o canada.

The american national anthem is
"oh, I forgot,

Because I burnt my brain
with drugs."

- Yes, he did!

- Thank you for your time.

You've been fair.
- Really funny.

I really love how edgy
your stuff is.

- Whoa, [laughs]
what was the one about the--

What was the one about the...
The fence?

Building a fence
on the canada border because--

[laughs]

- I do apologize.

- You're the best comedian
in canada.

I can't wait to see you win
this competition, god damn it.

- Thank you.

- My song is the song
of our people.

We were once young,

And then hudson's bay company
came and took all the furs.

And so it's the pain
of the canadian people.

One, two, three, four.

[generic electronic beat
with simple effects]

Yeah, turn that bad boy up
a little bit more.

Louder, faster, yeah.
Ooh, that's better.

[beat stops]

Uh--
[triangle dings]

- Pardon, sorry,
but was that the song?

- One, two, three, four.
[beat resumes]

Little fast.
This is murray, my sober coach.

- Pardon, but is the song
of canada

Just a drum beat
on a casio keyboard?

- Okay, well, you're a bitch,
just like my ex-wife,

So let's
[bleep] do it then.

I hate to [bleep] swear.
I'm not going to swear,

But this crap--is that better?
Is no [bleep] good.

[beat resumes]
is that--

Is that [bleep]
tastier for you?

- Thanks so much.
You move on to the next round.

- My songs are going to be
magic.

- I've loved magic
since I was a boy.

- And I will need a volunteer
to pick a card.

- Uh-oh, looks like
we got one here.

- Yeah.
So please--

This is a deck of cards,

And you can see that
all the cards are different.

Take any card out of the deck.
- Any one?

- Any one you'd like.

- Maybe do a little bit
of contortion.

- Well, I just need you
to pick a card.

[applause]
okay...

It's kind of mesh on your--

- It's difficult because--

- Yeah, it might be easier
to just take with your hands.

Okay, don't show me.

- Okay, I didn't show
you what I have.

- Oh.
- Can you show us?

- Okay, you see what
the card is?

- You got that card, toronto?

- Okay, here we go.
Tell me when to stop shuffling.

- Stop.
- Right here?

What was your card?

- It was the king of diamonds.

- That's it.
Crackers!

Oh, good god.

- No way!
- Oh, god.

- How did you do that?
You're amazing.

- Thank you.
- All right.

- Next time,
if I use you again,

You don't have to do that,
'cause that kind of upstages me.

You can take a card
with your hands next time.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

- Okay, toronto, we've come
to the end of the show.

It's time for you to vote, eh?

For jon lajoie, text one-one.

For the unfinished canadian song
of doug gary, text one-one.

For the hilarious comedy of
graham the comedian,

You're gonna text one-one.

For the crazy things
of amy amnesia,

You text one-one,.

And then for the magic
of "magic" nathan,

You gotta text one-one.

- Everybody on show us your
songs, toronto, is a winner.

And the votes will prove that
shortly.

- Oops, here we go.
Here we go.

Okay, all right, here we go.

We got a winner here.

And...Everyone's a winner.

- You ever murdered anybody?

- I have not murdered anyone.
Sorry.

I guess I should--
you should never apologize

For not killing someone.

But do you have a follow-up

On your "have I ever
murdered someone" question?

- Would you murder someone,
given the right circumstances?

- Yes, definitely given
the right circumstances.

- What would be
the right circumstances

For something like that?

- I guess if someone, like,
came at me with a knife,

And I would probably, like,
quickly move out of the way,

Then, like,
twist their neck.

And then if they died
from that--

- You would--your move would be
a neck twist?

- Yeah, I mean, that's the--

That's the only one
I've practiced.

- So did you want to talk,
detective,

Or are you
just gonna rock?

- I came here to make you
an offer.

- I'm all ears.

[ears boing]

- Listen, I know you didn't
kill shannon, okay?

- How do you know that,
detective?

[thunder]
- freeze.

- Oh, my.
She has no pulse.

- Because you got the same look
in your eye

That I have in my heart.

I know how you feel about her.
I know.

- Is that a piece
of shannon's nightgown?

- Stealing evidence?
Yeah, yeah, I don't think so.

That would be highly,
highly unprofessional.

- Is this her?
Wow.

She's beautiful.

- May I?

[sniffs]
mm.

- Listen, the second I saw
that video...

I just heard that voice
of an angel...

I fell in love with her,
all right?

- What do you want me
to do about it?

- The person who did this is
still out there.

We can go find him.

- Why don't you ask
one of your cop partners?

[gunshot]

- Because they're all down
the station making fun of me.

I did everything right on this
case, other than arresting you.

You killed that angel.
- No, I didn't.

- All right, come on,
what do you say?

We can go find him.
- But what can I do to help?

- My 15 years on the force,

And your 20 years
in the animal kingdom.

Me out on the street,
bringing in the perps.

You in there shaking the fleas
off those varmints.

My fire, your ice, huh?

My mustard, your relish.
- I prefer sauerkraut.

- We'll take them by storm,
you and me.

A couple of condiments out there
on the street solving crime.

What do you say?
Come on, what do you say?

- [sniffs]

[rock music]

- ♪ yeah

♪ ha

♪

- Oh, too much love ♪

♪

♪ too much, too much

♪ too much,
too much love ♪

[siren chirps]

- What took you so long?

- This is good coffee.

- You know what?
Not as great as shannon.

- I miss her so [bleep] much.

What do we do now?

- You want to go get a hooker?

- She has to look like shannon.

- They all do.

- Ha-ha, good at bizness.

- Oh, sure, come on up here,
bub.

- Doug--doug, are you--

I see a ring on your finger.
Are you married?

- I do it to keep away trash--

Female trash, male trash.

They're always hitting
on a guy like me.

No, I--my marriage exploded
beautifully.