All language subtitles for Kroll.Show.S01E01_English

- Do you have your charger?
- Yeah.

Oh, I hate
saying good-bye.

- Well, let's not
say good-bye.

Let's just say
"I'll see you soon."

- I love you, baby.

- And...You don't have
to listen to it,

But I made you a mixtape.
- Oh, my god.

- Nicholas james kroll,
you are the sweetest.

- Call me
when you get there.

- I'm gonna call you
in two seconds.

- College won't
split us apart.

[soft, wistful music]

♪

[mashed up beeps and whirring]

- Strap in your
[bleep] seatbelt

For the nick kroll mixtape.
[air horn blows]

- Nick kroll mixtape!
[gunfire]

Don't put on
too much weight!

Freshman 15!

- Dj--dj--
dj nick kroll.

- Get yourself a van gogh poster
for your wall at college,

But also don't
get anorexic and crazy.

[air horn blows]
san diego diet--

- I love you so much.

[dubstep music]

♪

- I feel like men won.

Like, we kind of won.

Like, if you look
at footwear, for example,

Like, men got together
and they're, like,

"what do you guys think?
Should we just wear sneakers?

"walk around like we're
on marshmallows all the time?

"is that good?
What else?

"bury our emotions
in football statistics?

Uh-huh, and gay jokes?
Great, gay jokes?"

And women were, like,
"you guys,

"for shoes, how 'bout we just,
like, jam our feet

"into tiny little canoes
with chopsticks on the end?

"and we're gonna say

"that they're, like,
super comfortable

"and say that
they're for us.

"and then we'll just, like,
find, like, cobblestone streets

To walk down."

Look, I'm just trying
to tell it like it is.

Unless women do not like it,
in which case I will stop,

'cause I love the ladies.

- I'm liz.

I'm an amazing person
with an amazing life.

- And I'm liz.

I'm a college graduate
and I expect the best.

I'm the driven one.
- And I'm trying to have a life.

Our pr firm
is called publizity.

- It's based off
our names.

It's really amazing.

Well, it's, like, funny because,
like, we're very different.

- Right.

- It's, like, I live to work.
- Exactly.

And I just want
to have an amazing life.

Like, that's just me.
I'm myself.

- Okay, that's great.
Well, you know, it's--

My point is it's not just people
that get cancer,

Dogs get it too--
- oh, my god.

I love dogs.
- I love dogs.

- And I want
to raise awareness for that.

That's what my charity is for.
I hear you two are the best.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

So, like, what we're gonna do
is, like, a big party.

Like, a big splash.

Oh, my god!
I have an amazing idea.

- All right.

- Pirate girl rum presents
a rocking beach bash

To benefit cupcakes
for canine cancer.

- That's cute.
- It's super cute.

I'm gonna work hard
on locking down

Some custom cupcakes.
- [gasps]

And my new rescue dog brad
can totally walk the red carpet.

I found him in the trash.
- He's gross.

- Yes, he is.
He's disgusting.

- I just want it
to be tasteful.

- Oh, my god,
that's so cool.

- That's sweet.
- That's really cute.

- That's sweet.
- That's sweet.

Coming up next
on publizity...

I like to work hard.

- Obviously, I know how
to do my life.

Like, I'm 20-blah years old
and I know what to do,

So thank you,
you know what I mean?

It's, like,
just go to bed.

- Where the [bleep]
is liz?

[whining]

- Do it.
Let's do it.

Are we ten,
or are we eight?

What are we, nine?
Is it nine?

- I think we're nine people.
- Eight.

- I think it's eight.
- It's between eight and ten.

- You guys are cool
with separate checks?

- We are--already
we're out of line.

- Just keep in mind, this isn't
the amount of space we need.

- I don't want to sit--
I'm not gonna sit--

- Excuse me,
my chair is, like...

- Yeah.
- What's the...

- Guys,
let's get some 'chos.

Let's get some 'chos,
right?

Both: ♪ sex in the city
for dudes ♪

- Yo, dude, rescue.
You got to get a rescue.

- No, I want to buy a dog.
- What?

- Rescue.
- It's a living thing.

- Yeah, firemen
don't go "hey,

I bought a kid
out of a fire."

- Right.
- Do they?

Is it just me?
- Never, unless they're crazy.

- No, if I'm wrong,
tell me.

All: ♪ sex in the city
for dudes ♪

- Jay-z.
- Jay-z, yeah, exactly.

- He's amazing--
- with kanye

As the vice president.
- Yeah.

- He's amazing.
- Yeah, kanye's vice president.

Secretary of state?

Drake.
- Yup.

- ♪ sex
[r&b music playing]

- Owen, are you listening
to music right now?

- Owen's got a thing where
christina doesn't trust him,

So she has to be on the phone
for everything he does.

- I haven't had more
than three beers.

All: ♪ [slurred singing]

- Let's do that again.
We can do that better.

[r&b music playing]

- Do you think that "my wife"
thing, like, saying that,

Do you think that's played out?
- No, no.

Not at all, dude.
That's funny.

- My wife!
- [laughing]

All: Sex in the city
for dudes

Was filmed in front of
a live studio audience.

- $20 on this one--
- whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, wait, we're doing
separate checks, right?

- I can send you
cash tomorrow.

- I have an olive garden
credit card.

- ♪ splitting up the check
with eight credit cards ♪

- [scatting]

- ♪ sex in the city
for dudes ♪

- One, two, three, four...

- Welcome back.
You know, from time to time,

We wire guys on the court
just to hear

What's going on
behind the scenes.

So check it out.

- Are we doing introductions?
- All right.

- Jeff. Nice to see you.

Jeff. All right?

I like that.
Here we go.

Get back on defense.

[blowing whistle]
that's a charge.

You seen
big momma's house?

I thought that movie
was funny.

What are you guys getting up to
after the game tonight?

You know, you going
to red robin?

What are you guys
gonna do?

Is there a list, or is this,
uh, anybody can walk up?

Is it one of those list--
list things?

I'm behind you,
I'm behind you,

I'm behind you,
I'm behind you.

One, two, three,
drinks on the coach.

[laughing]

You guys got plans tonight?
I'm, uh...

Probably hanging out
with the players.

It's a list-only thing club
so you...

You pieces of [bleep]
can't come. Let's go!

44.

That's a foul
on 44.

Look, if you guys
want to hang out later,

We can't argue like this,
all right?

I haven't locked in plans yet,
all right?

- These guys are not
your friends.

We're not going out
for drinks.

- Forget about you.

You got plans tonight?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

No, yeah, those guys
want to take me out,

But I haven't locked
anything in yet, so...

Let me know.

All right.

I didn't have a dad.

That's what I got in common
with you black kids.

What are you guys up to tonight?
You got any plans?

- [grunting]

- [blowing whistle]
that's a foul.

Little help.

I want one of the players
to do it.

[groaning]

[sobs]

Stop crying,
you little bitch.

That's why dad walked out.
That's why everybody leaves.

[clearing throat]

- You know, sometimes
what you hear on the court

Will make you
straight-up sad.

We'll be back.

- ♪ I'll treat you right

- So we have this, like,
super-demanding client.

He wants the best,
and he wants it now.

And liz disappears
with her dog.

- Like, we're here for you.
You have the red carpet event.

Like, you need to focus
on what you want.

This is about you.
Like, what do you want?

- I mean, what are you
looking for exactly?

- Like, I just feel
like he looks

Like his face is very frowny.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, we'll--
we'll take care of that.

He'll be very happy
when we're done with him.

- Dr. Armond is an amazing
plastic surgeon for dogs.

- Now what we're gonna do
is we're gonna make the face

A lot more symmetrical.
- 'cause I hate

How he looks now.
- Mm-hmm.

- You speak to him
and he listens to you,

And then he does
the operation.

- We'll snip out the...

- Oh, yeah.

It's like I don't want
something in my home

That's, like,
ugly because--

- You wouldn't buy an ugly sofa.
- No.

And, like, you wouldn't
talk to an ugly person.

- No, I don't.
I-I only hire

Very attractive people,
and my third wife

Is one of the most
beautiful women that I know.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- No, just do it.
- Hey, liz.

- I'll call you back,
just do it. What?

- There's a problem
with the cupcakes.

- Cassie, the cupcakes
are crucial.

- I know, believe me--
- then act like you know.

Okay?
- Yes.

- Where is liz?
I can't put on

This pirate girl rum
presents a rocking beach bash

To benefit cupcakes
for canine cancer all on my own.

- I invented
this magic marker.

- Good for you.
- Yeah.

It's the only one that you
can use to write on dogs.

- That's amazing.
- I call it the shar-pei.

- Does it come off?

- I cut it off,
and then I bleach it.

- Amazing.

- I have so much
pressure right now.

It's, like, a very
competitive industry.

Inside, I'm freaking out
about the cupcakes.

- The cupcakes
don't even look that good.

- What did you just say?
- I'm s...

- What did you
just say?

Forget it,
just forget it.

- I'm so sorry.

- Thank you.

I'm on the san diego diet,

So I'm, like,
super emotional right now.

- Would you believe
that when I was a kid,

I suffered from:

- It was ridiculous.
Everything had cheese on it

Or it was fried.

- I used to eat french fries,
hush puppies,

Fried catfish.

I couldn't even
wake up.

- You don't want to shave,
you don't want to bathe,

You don't want
to do nothing.

- I tried everything.

Diet pills,
scented lotions,

Knee braces,
and even smaller shirts.

But when
I looked around,

I realized that the answer
was in san diego.

[cheers and applause]

Today I'm introducing
the san diego diet.

[cheers and applause]

- ♪ san diego diet,
why don't you try it? ♪

♪ san diego diet,
why don't you try it? ♪

- Anyone who wants to go
and eat churros

For the rest
of their lives,

The exit
is back there.

For those of you who stayed,
here's a little secret:

You can eat churros
in moderation!

[cheers and applause]

You guys ready to see
some before and after shots?

All: Yes!

Well, then,
go to jenny craig!

That's not what
we're about here!

- There is no--no--no pain,
no--no restrictions.

- My body feels
like it's rocking.

- You're on earth. Live!

- I feel awesome.

- You feel like butter,
and you just want to melt.

- Do you want to know
the secret to this body?

It's the san diego diet.

- I've never even been
to san diego,

But I'll take you
to san diego...

In here!

[triumphant music]

♪

Choose to eat life,
and see what miracles unfold.

- Get a hot pocket!
Make ramen noodles!

- Nick kroll made this tape
special for you, girl.

- If you cheat on me,
I'll straight-up kill myself.

- Dj nick kroll
in the mother[bleep] house.

- We'll skype all the time.
[train horn blows]

Show me your tits
over skype.

- Oh, oh, I didn't
tell you guys.

I found the best parking spot
the other day.

It was right in front
of the bakery.

Uh, it wasn't a meter.

It was, uh, Tuesday,
so it wasn't a two-hour limit.

So I--so I-I, like,

I could've been
in and out of there,

But I, like, hung out there
for, like, 40 minutes

Just walking around
'cause I could've.

[low]
♪ sex in the city for dudes ♪

What was the text
that you sent?

[r&b music playing]

- Ah, don't be scared, mikey,
it's just a new school.

Just that grade 9
is different from grade 8.

Tuck in your blouse, eh?

- We're not in saskatoon
anymore, mum.

People in toronto
don't tuck in their blouses.

They want to dress well here,
and I want to fit in, you know?

- Well, don't try
too hard.

I got pregnant with you
when I was in grade 13.

Peer pressure, eh?
- Mum...

Our national health plan
pays for abortions,

But first I got to get
a girlfriend anyway, you know?

- Here, take this loonie,
buy yourself a bag of milk.

- All right, love you, mum.
Got to bounce.

- Love you, mikey.

- Here we go.

[uplifting music]

♪

[school bell ringing]

- Remember, kids,
today is victoria day,

So be sure to drop a loonie
in the queen's jar

For good luck.

- [laughing]
- [speaking french]

- Hey, what the...

- Hey, legs,
thanks for the loonie.

- Pardon, I think
you took my milk money.

And my name is mikey.
I'm new in school,

And I--
- shush up.

If I call you legs,
your name is legs, legs.

- [speaking french]

[both laughing]

- Pardon me,
but you're being very rude.

Ouch! My calf muscle,
you bashed it!

I hate ontario.

I wish I was back
in saskatoon.

- Pardon, do you
need a pull?

- Thanks.

- Those guys are hosers.

Not everyone in ontario's
a big, dumb jerk.

- [chuckling]
- my name's francesca,

But, uh, everyone
calls me tunes.

- Oh, cool,
'cause of your boom box?

- Ay.
- My name's mikey.

- Oh.
- Yeah, you like music?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, cool.

- Yeah.
[both chuckling]

I learned that you can't
let the bullies get to you,

You got to beat them
at their own game.

- Oh.

Whurling, okay.

Cool.

Whurling.
[school bell ringing]

- Crap, I'm late
for marriage equality class.

Peace out.
- Peace out, tunes.

Whurling, eh?

Hmm, sounds cool.

- And that concludes
our lesson on the founder

Of canadian electricity,
sir brian.

Oh! Oh! Look who decided
to come in tardy.

You know,
don't think it's okay

To just roll in here
at 100 kilometers per hour

Like you're joel otto
of the calgary flames, okay?

[all chuckling]

Now I'm sure
you're all obsessing

About who you're gonna take
to the poutine dance,

But I want your focus

And I want your concentration
up here now,

'cause we have
a special guest, okay?

His name
is inuit andy.

He goes to a school
just like this,

Except it's
in a snow igloo.

He's had a very hard life,
so please give him your focus.

- My name
is inuit andy.

I come from the harsh lands
of yellowknife,

Where my people still live
in ancient ways--

- Connor, connor!

Who do you think you are,
prime minister stephen harper?

You're a fisherman?

- Yes.
- Talk--talk about that.

- We still fish
using spears and harpoons.

We take giant sticks
that we find in the forest

To bash seals
for food.

- I think you're bumming
everyone out.

[school bell ringing]
- whoa.

Sweet whurling broom, eh?

- Nice legs.
- Hey.

Who are you?
- I'm baguiati.

- Oh, I'm mikey,
nice to meet--

[somber music]

♪

- Raise your hand
if you're on the paleo diet.

Doing the caveman thing?
Yeah, cool.

- I'm gonna be honest
with you guys,

This san diego diet thing

Is doing [bleep] great,
my friends.

- You look great.
- Thanks, guys.

- Check this out,
check this out.

My wife!
[all laughing]

- ♪ the best
is yet to come ♪

- ♪ I'll treat you right

- Liz is not cut out
for this business.

I am, like,
being chill,

And liz is being,
like, not cool.

- Hey, tootsies.

Oh, my goo-goo.

My dog is gonna look amazing
for the event.

- Well, I am not
feeling amazing right now.

- Like, talk to me.
Like, I left you here,

And now you're, like,
spinning out of control.

- I'm not spinning
out of control.

You're freaking me out
because you're not responsible.

- Liz, get out of my face.
Like, I want this to be fun.

Like, I want
to have a good time.

Like, you're riding me
so hard right now.

- P.S., by the way,

It's, like, ridiculous
that you'd ever want to

Say something like that
to me right now.

- Don't call me ridiculous.
You know that's my pet peeve.

Like, my dad always
called me ridiculous,

And I always--
- you look ridiculous right now.

- Stop it, liz.
You know that I, like...

[high-pitched wailing]

- Why are you even doing this?
Because, like, I--

- [high-pitched wailing]
and it's not fair.

- It's just, like--it's, like,
I don't even know

If we're gonna make it
out of this.

Later on publizity...

[gasping]

- Whoa, what was
that about?

- I like to kiss
before my cannabis cigarette.

- But I'm only age 15.

I don't have
my smoker's permit yet.

I got to go.

Pardon.

Pardon.

It was a pleasure to meet you.
- [scoffs]

[school bell ringing]

- All right, ding-dongs,
welcome to whurling tryouts.

Last year,
we won all-province.

Oh! Oh! Look who decided
to show up tardy

Twice in one day.

- I'm here to try out.
- [laughing]

- Where's your wheels?
- Yeah.

Where are
your wheels, legs?

- Oh, I'm a sweeper.

- Oh, you're
a big sweeper, eh?

Oh, where's your broom?

[both snickering]

- Pardon. Mikey...

You left this
in the supply closet.

- Thanks, tunes,
you're a good friend.

- Yeah, friends.

- All right,
looks like we're ready to go.

- Coach teacher,
you can't be serious.

You're going to let
some able play on our team?

- Hey! There's nothing
in the rulebook

That says we can't
let ables try out.

- You're a sweeper, eh?

I'm going
to sweep your legs

Like I did
in the hallway.

- Go for it.
- Let's go!

Come on, connor!

You brush, connor,
come on!

Sweep it up!

Let's move,
let's go!

Let's go!

Shuffle!

All right, shuffle!

- Just a little further.

If I just do it
right here perfectly...

Yeah!

[cheers and applause]
yeah!

- All right, connor.
Good, good for three.

Good for three.
Let's go!

Good job, mikey.
- Thanks, coach.

- Come on,
come on, mikey.

Get that sweep going, mikey.
Good job.

What, are you making slush?
Come on!

[blowing whistle]

- Ugh!
- Yeah!

- That's good for green!

Hey, tunes,
looking good.

We still on for pasta
after tryouts?

- Oh, yeah, okay.
- Okay, good.

Great, keep sweeping.

Great work, connor.

Good for green.
- All right!

Out of sight!
Yeah!

- That's what
I'm talking about!

All right, gentlemen,
this is 2012 spring whurling.

Say hello
to your captain, mikey.

If you're not on this list,
come see me in the cafetorium,

We'll talk about it.

- This is outrageous!

- Well, well, well,
I guess I showed them.

[chuckling]

What?

"dodo bird"?

I guess things could be worse,
you know?

- Yeah.

I'm pregnant.

- [exhaling]

- Well, at least
our national health system

Covers abortion,
unlike the states, you know?

- ♪ I'll treat you right

- So tonight is our huge
charity event.

We still have a bunch
of balls up in the air,

And I am freaking out.

Stop taking pictures.
There's still work to be done.

- I'm trying to have fun.
- It's not fun

When you're being
a bitch.

- That's what you think.
Like--hi, how are you?

- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Thank you.

- Sorry my hands
are so cold.

So far, the party's been,
like, a really big success.

But underneath, I'm freaking out
about the cupcakes.

- Oh, how are you?
- God!

It's our prince charming.
- Our prince.

- Like, this client knows
what he wants, he wants it now,

He wants it when he wants it,
and we have to give it to him,

Otherwise nobody will want
anything from us ever again.

- Liz?
Both: What?

- The cupcakes are here.

- Bring them out.
- Oh, the cupcakes.

- [gasping]

The cupcakes
look amazing.

Those cupcakes
look amazing.

- They're wearing
little bikinis.

- They're ready
for the pool.

- This is not
what I envisioned.

- I'm all about work,

And the work we put
into these cupcakes

Are really paying off
in an amazing way.

- These cupcakes
are having a party.

[barking]
brad!

Brad is so confident.
He's like a completely new dog.

Like, no one would ever know.

- When push comes to shove,

I wouldn't trust
my dog's plastic surgery

With anybody
but dr. Armond.

- Brad, you look
absolutely gorgeous.

- The event cost $20,000,

And it brought in $4,000,

And I feel foolish.

- To see those cupcakes
and brad come together

In such an amazing way
makes me realize

How important
your friendship is to me,

And I love you
so much.

- I love you too, liz.

- I would say
we are bff.

- ♪ I'll treat you
[explosion]

- Ha ha.
Good at bizness.

- But you don't have much
spare time, do you?

- No.

- 'cause you're trying
to survive.

You don't have
much spare time.

- No.

We don't have a lot
of spare time

Because we need
to survive.

- Do you have a spear?
Talk about your spear.