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1
00:00:02,023 --> 00:00:03,656
I hate supermarkets.
2
00:00:03,976 --> 00:00:06,356
The lighting's awful,
the music's rubbish,
3
00:00:06,562 --> 00:00:08,509
the chicks have all got kids.
4
00:00:08,629 --> 00:00:10,360
It's just not a cool place.
5
00:00:11,492 --> 00:00:12,542
Oh, my God!
6
00:00:12,870 --> 00:00:14,920
It's Dave Fentiman,
my old friend from school.
7
00:00:16,449 --> 00:00:18,392
Aren't you going to go
and say hello?
8
00:00:18,963 --> 00:00:21,145
I haven't seen him in years.
What if it's awkward?
9
00:00:21,265 --> 00:00:24,283
Just say howdy.
What's the worst that could happen?
10
00:00:30,444 --> 00:00:31,946
It's Don, Don Danbury.
11
00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:33,050
Oh, my God.
12
00:00:33,170 --> 00:00:34,274
Not you!
13
00:00:39,541 --> 00:00:41,173
It's Don, Don Danbury.
14
00:00:41,598 --> 00:00:42,849
How's it going?
15
00:00:42,969 --> 00:00:43,969
Terrible.
16
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:45,684
I lost my job.
17
00:00:45,804 --> 00:00:47,441
My girlfriend killed herself.
18
00:00:47,561 --> 00:00:49,775
I've been diagnosed
with face cancer.
19
00:00:50,686 --> 00:00:52,686
But at least I've got you now.
20
00:00:57,956 --> 00:00:59,605
It's Don, Don Danbury.
21
00:01:02,683 --> 00:01:05,535
- What if he doesn't remember me?
- Of course he'll remember you.
22
00:01:05,655 --> 00:01:07,363
You said
you used to be best friends.
23
00:01:07,483 --> 00:01:08,402
Go on.
24
00:01:08,522 --> 00:01:09,522
Go on.
25
00:01:15,668 --> 00:01:16,918
Eddie, stop it!
26
00:01:23,141 --> 00:01:24,136
It's Don.
27
00:01:26,534 --> 00:01:28,720
Sorry, mate.
You must have the wrong bloke.
28
00:01:31,286 --> 00:01:33,320
Don, you silly slut!
29
00:01:33,647 --> 00:01:36,120
You douche bag.
I thought you didn't remember me.
30
00:01:36,439 --> 00:01:39,280
Of course I remember you,
you stupid ***!
31
00:01:43,086 --> 00:01:44,740
.:: La Fabrique ::.
32
00:01:44,860 --> 00:01:46,560
Dickheads Team
33
00:01:46,726 --> 00:01:48,734
Synchro: mpm & Arrow
34
00:01:55,981 --> 00:01:57,920
Episode 206
Don and the Wedding
35
00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:00,093
I'm totally honoured, Dave.
36
00:02:00,213 --> 00:02:01,713
Of course not, Dave.
37
00:02:04,012 --> 00:02:05,350
I can't wait, Dave.
38
00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:07,796
That's excellent, Dave.
39
00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,320
See you later, Dave.
40
00:02:10,996 --> 00:02:12,440
- Who was that?
- Dave.
41
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:15,280
My old friend who we bumped into
at the supermarket?
42
00:02:15,603 --> 00:02:18,605
He's getting married next week
and he wants me to be his best man.
43
00:02:18,947 --> 00:02:21,701
- Can you believe that?
- Maybe he doesn't have friends.
44
00:02:22,166 --> 00:02:23,679
Yes, he has other friends.
45
00:02:24,096 --> 00:02:26,457
He was the most popular kid
at our school.
46
00:02:26,577 --> 00:02:27,747
Great...
47
00:02:27,867 --> 00:02:30,028
Postcard... from dream girl.
48
00:02:31,874 --> 00:02:34,013
Does she say when she's coming back?
49
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:37,001
She doesn't care about us any more.
50
00:02:37,121 --> 00:02:39,263
Too busy swanning around the world.
51
00:02:40,356 --> 00:02:42,156
- Tea and biscuit?
- Yes.
52
00:02:44,792 --> 00:02:47,320
Here you go.
I made you a cup of tea?
53
00:02:48,903 --> 00:02:51,400
- Why?
- There is no "y" in friends.
54
00:02:51,723 --> 00:02:54,323
OK. Well, at least
your spelling's getting better.
55
00:02:54,443 --> 00:02:56,040
I did it cos we're mates,
56
00:02:56,206 --> 00:02:59,237
chums, buddies,
who do things for each other,
57
00:02:59,357 --> 00:03:00,507
like make tea
58
00:03:00,627 --> 00:03:03,691
or go to Scotland to attend a wedding
whilst pretending to be married.
59
00:03:03,811 --> 00:03:05,360
- Biscuit?
- What did you just say?
60
00:03:05,526 --> 00:03:07,720
- Biscuit?
- No, the bit about Scotland?
61
00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:12,083
For some strange reason,
I told Dave I'm married.
62
00:03:12,203 --> 00:03:14,560
- Why?
- I wanted to impress him.
63
00:03:14,726 --> 00:03:17,480
I didn't want him to think
I've achieved nothing with my life.
64
00:03:17,646 --> 00:03:20,320
If he's such a good friend,
then why can't you be honest with him?
65
00:03:20,486 --> 00:03:22,995
Honest?
Are you mental in the face?
66
00:03:23,202 --> 00:03:24,960
Imagine how that would look.
67
00:03:27,923 --> 00:03:30,336
So, what kind of work
do you do, Don?
68
00:03:31,001 --> 00:03:32,633
- I don't.
- Right.
69
00:03:33,310 --> 00:03:34,525
- Kids?
- Nope.
70
00:03:34,645 --> 00:03:35,603
Married?
71
00:03:35,941 --> 00:03:37,123
Girlfriend?
72
00:03:37,557 --> 00:03:38,436
Dog?
73
00:03:39,432 --> 00:03:40,306
Gay.
74
00:03:40,764 --> 00:03:42,764
Tried that.
Wasn't really me.
75
00:03:47,047 --> 00:03:50,600
I have absolutely nothing
to show for my life.
76
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:52,080
I'll do it.
77
00:03:52,314 --> 00:03:53,560
No, thanks, Gollum.
78
00:03:53,726 --> 00:03:55,743
I was hoping
to make Dave a tad jealous,
79
00:03:55,863 --> 00:03:57,520
not a tad nauseous.
80
00:03:57,969 --> 00:04:00,000
You think
that I would make him jealous?
81
00:04:00,545 --> 00:04:02,123
Well, a tad.
82
00:04:03,086 --> 00:04:05,430
- But, if you don't want, that's fine...
- OK.
83
00:04:05,926 --> 00:04:07,519
What, you'll do it?
84
00:04:08,264 --> 00:04:09,480
On one condition.
85
00:04:09,646 --> 00:04:10,560
Sure. What?
86
00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:12,080
You ask me properly.
87
00:04:12,648 --> 00:04:15,913
- What do you mean?
- You ask me properly.
88
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:28,120
Will you do me the honour
of pretending to be my wife?
89
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:30,960
I will.
90
00:04:35,117 --> 00:04:38,803
Eight hours' drive
with Mrs Treacher in the car.
91
00:04:39,148 --> 00:04:40,548
That woman smells.
92
00:04:40,879 --> 00:04:42,789
It was like driving in a shoe.
93
00:04:47,552 --> 00:04:49,102
Grab the bags, Eddie.
94
00:04:53,189 --> 00:04:54,040
What?
95
00:04:54,206 --> 00:04:55,680
I'll just be a minute.
96
00:04:58,497 --> 00:05:00,040
Mr and Mrs Danbury, checking in.
97
00:05:00,206 --> 00:05:02,066
Certainly, Mr Danbury.
98
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,440
What time do you knock off?
99
00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:07,680
Excuse me?
100
00:05:07,967 --> 00:05:09,400
What are you doing later?
101
00:05:12,865 --> 00:05:13,760
It's OK.
102
00:05:14,343 --> 00:05:17,043
- I'm only with him for the money.
- Right.
103
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,520
Here's your key. Room 301.
104
00:05:19,734 --> 00:05:20,734
Thank you.
105
00:05:21,197 --> 00:05:22,160
Come on.
106
00:05:23,966 --> 00:05:26,501
- What did you do that for?
- Stay in character, dickhead.
107
00:05:26,621 --> 00:05:29,180
What if my character
is that of a natural flirt?
108
00:05:29,300 --> 00:05:30,839
Then my character is that of a woman
109
00:05:30,959 --> 00:05:33,068
who can't keep a secret
about her sham marriage.
110
00:05:33,188 --> 00:05:34,467
Right, fair point.
111
00:05:34,587 --> 00:05:37,560
Don, you tranny. You made it!
112
00:05:37,726 --> 00:05:38,760
Dave! Come here.
113
00:05:38,950 --> 00:05:40,400
What are you doing?
114
00:05:40,939 --> 00:05:43,240
Just messing around.
115
00:05:44,228 --> 00:05:46,497
Who's this little cracker, then?
116
00:05:46,674 --> 00:05:49,160
Don't tell me
you're Don's ball and chain?
117
00:05:49,357 --> 00:05:51,760
Ball and chain?
Are you from the '70s?
118
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:52,960
What?
119
00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:55,701
You obviously don't know who I am.
120
00:05:55,821 --> 00:05:58,376
Yes, I do. You're Dave,
Don's old friend from school.
121
00:05:58,886 --> 00:06:00,086
Correctamundo.
122
00:06:00,274 --> 00:06:02,520
I take it he rabbits on about me
all the time, right?
123
00:06:05,606 --> 00:06:07,203
She's a bit lippy ain't she?
124
00:06:07,323 --> 00:06:10,096
You were right, though.
She's, er, good to look at.
125
00:06:10,726 --> 00:06:11,776
To look at?
126
00:06:12,137 --> 00:06:16,137
Actually, I think, Dave,
I said that she was beautiful, remember?
127
00:06:16,446 --> 00:06:18,206
Yeah. Something gay like that.
128
00:06:18,326 --> 00:06:20,163
You said that I was beautiful?
129
00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:23,065
- You don't mind?
- Boring!
130
00:06:23,286 --> 00:06:26,640
Now, are we going to get ***** tonight,
or what?
131
00:06:26,806 --> 00:06:29,040
You try and stop me, Dave-minator.
132
00:06:29,206 --> 00:06:30,157
Five me.
133
00:06:31,836 --> 00:06:33,386
Still a gullible sap.
134
00:06:35,718 --> 00:06:37,890
Funny, funny, the old punch joke.
135
00:06:38,697 --> 00:06:39,769
I'll be honest,
136
00:06:39,889 --> 00:06:42,400
a part of me was thinking
how nice this weekend would've been
137
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:45,598
if I had brought Abby with me,
but as my actual wife.
138
00:06:48,019 --> 00:06:50,960
- There's only one bed.
- We're married, remember?
139
00:06:51,468 --> 00:06:54,080
- I'm not sleeping with you.
- Am I really that bad?
140
00:06:54,541 --> 00:06:55,941
Don't answer that.
141
00:06:56,286 --> 00:06:59,640
Anyway, the sofa,
it looks really comfy.
142
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:04,993
You were the one who said
we should stay in character.
143
00:07:05,113 --> 00:07:06,203
We're married.
144
00:07:06,323 --> 00:07:08,840
Sleeping on the sofa
isn't staying in character.
145
00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:10,200
Yes, it is.
146
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:13,240
We are a couple
going through a rough patch.
147
00:07:17,326 --> 00:07:19,160
Thank you.
Just over there, please.
148
00:07:21,592 --> 00:07:22,442
And...
149
00:07:23,205 --> 00:07:24,880
a little something for you.
150
00:07:25,046 --> 00:07:27,040
- What's that for?
- For bringing the bags in.
151
00:07:27,206 --> 00:07:28,885
Don't be silly.
I don't work here.
152
00:07:29,005 --> 00:07:30,960
- But you earnt it.
- I couldn't possibly.
153
00:07:31,126 --> 00:07:32,560
- I'll be offended.
- But I...
154
00:07:32,726 --> 00:07:34,240
Just take the fucking coin!
155
00:07:34,406 --> 00:07:37,480
OK. I'll take the pound coin.
Thank you, Don.
156
00:07:37,646 --> 00:07:38,787
It was nothing.
157
00:07:38,907 --> 00:07:40,840
So you'll be back
to pick us up on Sunday?
158
00:07:41,875 --> 00:07:42,875
See ya.
159
00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:48,433
Have a good weekend, Don.
160
00:07:48,651 --> 00:07:50,960
"Dear Mr and Mrs Danbury,
161
00:07:51,824 --> 00:07:54,600
"please find an itinerary
for the weekend, starting tonight,
162
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:57,560
"with the bride and groom's
respective stag and hen dos."
163
00:07:58,046 --> 00:08:01,102
I am not sitting
through some terrible Chippendale act.
164
00:08:01,991 --> 00:08:04,200
Actually, Chippendales
might quite be fun.
165
00:08:04,366 --> 00:08:05,960
Remember, you're my wife.
166
00:08:06,126 --> 00:08:09,080
Yes, I know. Samantha Danbury.
167
00:08:10,894 --> 00:08:12,440
About that...
168
00:08:13,313 --> 00:08:16,383
Your name's not Samantha Danbury.
169
00:08:18,432 --> 00:08:19,847
What's my name, Don?
170
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:22,480
Remember,
I came up with it on the spot.
171
00:08:23,111 --> 00:08:26,080
Dave just kept asking me questions
I didn't know what to do.
172
00:08:26,246 --> 00:08:28,280
Yes... This wife of yours,
what's her name?
173
00:08:29,290 --> 00:08:30,839
I couldn't think of anything
174
00:08:30,959 --> 00:08:33,239
and then the answer
just landed in front of me.
175
00:08:33,925 --> 00:08:34,925
It's...
176
00:08:35,518 --> 00:08:36,518
Mary Lou?
177
00:08:36,935 --> 00:08:38,080
Well, that's fine.
178
00:08:38,246 --> 00:08:39,838
Why didn't I think of that?
179
00:08:39,958 --> 00:08:41,108
It's perfect.
180
00:08:45,591 --> 00:08:46,920
It's... Garden.
181
00:08:49,065 --> 00:08:49,960
Garden.
182
00:08:50,126 --> 00:08:51,360
That's ridiculous!
183
00:08:51,609 --> 00:08:54,880
That's very disrespectful
to everyone called Garden.
184
00:08:55,046 --> 00:08:57,360
No, it's not.
Because Garden isn't even a real name!
185
00:08:57,526 --> 00:08:59,160
It is. It's your name.
186
00:08:59,326 --> 00:09:00,320
Garden Danbury?
187
00:09:02,738 --> 00:09:04,480
I sound like air freshener.
188
00:09:11,849 --> 00:09:13,920
This is amazing! You're up.
189
00:09:14,086 --> 00:09:15,080
It's over.
190
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:16,240
Come again?
191
00:09:16,406 --> 00:09:18,601
Time to let go of my grief for Bill.
192
00:09:18,721 --> 00:09:19,871
That's great.
193
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:23,458
However, we do have to leave now
because we were just dropping them off.
194
00:09:23,578 --> 00:09:25,240
Oh, no. We're not leaving.
195
00:09:25,406 --> 00:09:29,390
There's something I need to do.
You see, I haven't had sex in...
196
00:09:38,757 --> 00:09:40,960
Can't remember.
Anyway, that's gotta change,
197
00:09:41,126 --> 00:09:43,261
this weekend, we're checking in,
198
00:09:43,381 --> 00:09:45,344
then were going shopping
for a dress.
199
00:09:45,464 --> 00:09:46,464
Come on.
200
00:09:55,002 --> 00:09:56,727
Right, I'd better get going.
201
00:09:56,847 --> 00:09:59,639
He'll bite my balls off
if I keep him... waiting.
202
00:10:01,886 --> 00:10:03,200
You look amazing.
203
00:10:03,951 --> 00:10:04,880
Really?
204
00:10:05,046 --> 00:10:06,800
No, you're an ugly moose pig.
205
00:10:06,966 --> 00:10:07,966
Of course.
206
00:10:08,385 --> 00:10:11,280
Right, I'd better get going.
Good luck.
207
00:10:13,566 --> 00:10:15,116
Did you just kiss me?
208
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,280
But I'm in character.
209
00:10:18,603 --> 00:10:19,543
Right...
210
00:10:19,726 --> 00:10:21,526
- See ya.
- Bye.
211
00:10:23,643 --> 00:10:25,822
I was really excited
about the stag do,
212
00:10:25,942 --> 00:10:28,989
but I was praying it wasn't going to be
a sausage party.
213
00:10:29,109 --> 00:10:33,109
Tons of men getting their dicks out
while chanting sport-related songs.
214
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:41,560
There he is.
215
00:10:41,726 --> 00:10:43,360
The twat in the hat.
216
00:10:45,333 --> 00:10:46,600
Down it!
217
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:50,240
So, when's everyone else
getting here?
218
00:10:50,431 --> 00:10:52,600
What are you talking about?
This is it.
219
00:10:52,766 --> 00:10:55,370
- What, it's just you and me?
- Well, we've got George as well.
220
00:10:55,490 --> 00:10:58,040
My soon-to-be father-in-law.
You all right, George?
221
00:10:58,206 --> 00:10:59,756
Where's the stripper?
222
00:11:00,566 --> 00:11:01,800
Rapey old toad.
223
00:11:02,540 --> 00:11:03,920
Christ...
224
00:11:04,086 --> 00:11:05,360
Let's dance!
225
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,320
Hi, is this the hen do?
226
00:11:20,486 --> 00:11:21,840
You must be Garden?
227
00:11:23,119 --> 00:11:24,370
That's my name.
228
00:11:24,490 --> 00:11:25,680
Garden Danbury.
229
00:11:26,434 --> 00:11:30,080
I'm Dave's fiancee, Alice,
otherwise known as Carrie.
230
00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:33,422
I'm Jane,
231
00:11:33,542 --> 00:11:35,760
otherwise known as... Charlotte.
232
00:11:38,260 --> 00:11:40,732
Sorry, I don't really get the game.
233
00:11:41,002 --> 00:11:43,080
We're playing "who would be who"
in Sex And The City.
234
00:11:43,246 --> 00:11:46,120
Right, well,
I've never really watched it.
235
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,880
Sorry. Did I just say
that I had not seen Sex And The City?
236
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:57,446
Right. Because you're all looking at me
as if I said I killed a child.
237
00:12:03,380 --> 00:12:05,160
Shall we order for starter?
238
00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:07,080
This is going to be fun.
239
00:12:07,531 --> 00:12:10,680
I wonder how the boys are getting on?
Bet they're loving catching up.
240
00:12:24,669 --> 00:12:26,520
There's no way I'm drinking that.
241
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,214
I don't think I like this game!
242
00:12:29,334 --> 00:12:30,584
Harder! Harder!
243
00:12:32,310 --> 00:12:34,270
Drink it! Drink it!
244
00:12:38,646 --> 00:12:40,440
So, what do you do, Garden?
245
00:12:40,606 --> 00:12:41,806
I'm a student.
246
00:12:42,572 --> 00:12:43,672
How ghastly.
247
00:12:44,176 --> 00:12:47,040
Don told Dave that you were a model.
248
00:12:47,206 --> 00:12:48,606
Yes, I used to be.
249
00:12:49,366 --> 00:12:50,640
More booze, please!
250
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,520
What kind of modelling did you do?
251
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:55,360
Porn, mainly.
252
00:12:56,505 --> 00:12:59,705
And I don't mean the girlie,
glamorous topless stuff.
253
00:13:00,093 --> 00:13:01,840
I mean the proper hardcore stuff.
254
00:13:02,947 --> 00:13:05,200
You know?
Double penetration,
255
00:13:06,166 --> 00:13:07,240
come on my face,
256
00:13:07,685 --> 00:13:09,775
sometimes even scatological stuff.
257
00:13:10,366 --> 00:13:12,016
God, I miss those days.
258
00:13:15,486 --> 00:13:17,865
So, we'll just relax tonight
259
00:13:18,126 --> 00:13:20,102
and then tomorrow, hit the bar
260
00:13:20,222 --> 00:13:22,072
and find me a sex opponent.
261
00:13:23,235 --> 00:13:25,180
Maybe Don's ready to go it alone.
262
00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:26,800
What are you talking about?
263
00:13:29,087 --> 00:13:30,589
He doesn't seem to need me.
264
00:13:30,709 --> 00:13:33,430
What are you worrying
about that dickhead for?
265
00:13:33,926 --> 00:13:35,600
Maybe my work with him is done?
266
00:13:36,090 --> 00:13:37,295
Time to move on.
267
00:13:37,415 --> 00:13:39,960
Find myself a new dickhead
to look after.
268
00:13:43,294 --> 00:13:44,600
Careful of me warts.
269
00:13:47,951 --> 00:13:51,294
At the end of the stag do,
Dave treated us all to a stripper.
270
00:13:51,486 --> 00:13:53,046
Stripper! Stripper!
271
00:13:53,406 --> 00:13:55,080
I was hoping for someone
a more erotic.
272
00:13:57,166 --> 00:13:58,920
And yes, that was the same song
273
00:13:59,086 --> 00:14:01,441
Dave played over and over
274
00:14:01,886 --> 00:14:03,170
and over again.
275
00:14:13,749 --> 00:14:16,099
Toothpaste
goes really well with gin.
276
00:14:17,061 --> 00:14:18,461
Ever noticed that?
277
00:14:19,809 --> 00:14:21,160
How was your night?
278
00:14:21,326 --> 00:14:22,600
Mine was wonderful.
279
00:14:22,766 --> 00:14:25,442
We played "who would be who"
in Sex And The City.
280
00:14:25,886 --> 00:14:28,256
If they actually found out
that my real name's Samantha,
281
00:14:28,376 --> 00:14:30,520
their little minds
would've just exploded.
282
00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:32,717
You know?
283
00:14:32,837 --> 00:14:35,520
Cos there's actually
a Samantha in Sex And The City!
284
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,253
I think Dave...
285
00:14:40,689 --> 00:14:41,920
is a dickhead.
286
00:14:43,431 --> 00:14:45,083
Have you only just worked that out?
287
00:14:45,858 --> 00:14:48,640
I don't get it. He was my hero.
I loved him.
288
00:14:49,539 --> 00:14:50,925
Not in a sexual way.
289
00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:53,388
In a sort
of Gonch and Ziggy kinda way.
290
00:14:53,508 --> 00:14:56,886
What could you possibly love about him?
He is arrogant and he's obnoxious,
291
00:14:57,006 --> 00:14:58,787
he's self-obsessed. Oh, wait!
292
00:14:59,258 --> 00:15:01,840
What am I talking about?
You're perfect for each other.
293
00:15:02,846 --> 00:15:04,694
I didn't mean that, I'm sorry.
294
00:15:06,321 --> 00:15:07,927
I mean, have I changed?
295
00:15:08,047 --> 00:15:09,280
Has he changed?
296
00:15:09,446 --> 00:15:11,320
- Did we both change?
- I don't know.
297
00:15:12,390 --> 00:15:14,805
But I've changed.
I'm going to bed...
298
00:15:18,244 --> 00:15:19,066
Go!
299
00:15:34,985 --> 00:15:36,835
God, it's so uncomfortable.
300
00:15:46,023 --> 00:15:47,240
You can sleep in here.
301
00:15:48,052 --> 00:15:51,731
But if you try anything, then I will
roundhouse you in the prick, OK?
302
00:15:53,246 --> 00:15:55,246
I promise I won't try a thing.
303
00:16:00,610 --> 00:16:02,247
Will you switch off the light, Don?
304
00:16:02,367 --> 00:16:03,867
Certainly, Samantha.
305
00:16:07,253 --> 00:16:08,503
Who's Samantha?
306
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,076
Are you seeing someone
behind my back?
307
00:16:11,196 --> 00:16:12,196
Sorry.
308
00:16:12,994 --> 00:16:14,244
I meant Garden.
309
00:16:14,934 --> 00:16:16,134
That's better.
310
00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:18,920
Night, Donald.
311
00:16:19,123 --> 00:16:20,573
Good night, Garden.
312
00:16:28,747 --> 00:16:29,747
Morning!
313
00:16:30,058 --> 00:16:32,400
What a night, Bestie?
314
00:16:33,406 --> 00:16:35,394
I tell you what, that stripper...
315
00:16:35,817 --> 00:16:38,693
- Kept me up most of the night.
- You slept with that stripper?
316
00:16:38,813 --> 00:16:40,663
Yeah. It was a right laugh.
317
00:16:41,926 --> 00:16:42,926
However
318
00:16:43,092 --> 00:16:45,120
I seem to have woken up
with a bit of an itch.
319
00:16:45,286 --> 00:16:46,786
Not sure what it is.
320
00:16:47,086 --> 00:16:48,040
Have a look.
321
00:16:48,470 --> 00:16:50,760
What? What are you doing?
We're in the hall.
322
00:16:51,599 --> 00:16:52,649
Here, look.
323
00:16:52,833 --> 00:16:53,840
Is this normal?
324
00:16:54,006 --> 00:16:56,772
If there's one penis and two balls,
everything's normal.
325
00:16:56,892 --> 00:16:58,480
Don, don't be a sap.
326
00:16:58,646 --> 00:16:59,920
Look at my prick.
327
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:06,960
- Jeez! That's not right.
- I thought so.
328
00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:08,654
It's gone massive at the end.
329
00:17:08,774 --> 00:17:10,841
Yeah, on my wedding day,
and everything.
330
00:17:10,961 --> 00:17:12,193
It was heartbreaking.
331
00:17:12,313 --> 00:17:14,407
Finding out my hero's a total cock.
332
00:17:14,527 --> 00:17:17,167
Fact is, I didn't wanna be
Dave's best man any more.
333
00:17:18,082 --> 00:17:19,232
Look, Dave...
334
00:17:19,790 --> 00:17:22,080
I don't know how to say this but...
I don't think I...
335
00:17:22,246 --> 00:17:24,861
What, Bestie?
You don't think you what?
336
00:17:25,713 --> 00:17:27,262
Have the rings.
337
00:17:28,492 --> 00:17:30,083
I left the rings in the room.
338
00:17:30,203 --> 00:17:31,840
You piss wit. Hurry up, then!
339
00:17:32,340 --> 00:17:33,340
Sorry.
340
00:17:35,046 --> 00:17:37,666
And if you see any prick cream
on your way...
341
00:17:38,606 --> 00:17:40,076
God this is killing me!
342
00:17:40,646 --> 00:17:43,723
You're going to find someone new
to look after instead of Don?
343
00:17:43,843 --> 00:17:45,726
I have to, Dot. It's in my blood.
344
00:17:45,846 --> 00:17:47,746
Without caring, I'm nothing.
345
00:17:48,112 --> 00:17:50,876
But who's my next project?
That's the question.
346
00:17:50,996 --> 00:17:52,966
Please! Someone help!
347
00:17:55,701 --> 00:17:57,051
Help me! Help me!
348
00:18:00,062 --> 00:18:03,570
And so we all sat and watched
as Dave and his fiancee got hitched.
349
00:18:03,690 --> 00:18:05,080
If anyone here
350
00:18:05,246 --> 00:18:08,028
has reason
why these two should not be married,
351
00:18:08,630 --> 00:18:11,598
- speak now...
- Nobody say a fucking word!
352
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,788
... or for ever hold your peace.
353
00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:28,231
Ladies and men.
354
00:18:29,323 --> 00:18:31,359
Now, I hate giving speeches
355
00:18:31,479 --> 00:18:33,879
so I'll keep this one
short and snappy,
356
00:18:34,199 --> 00:18:35,849
like my beautiful wife.
357
00:18:39,046 --> 00:18:40,396
I first met Alice
358
00:18:40,803 --> 00:18:42,040
three weeks ago.
359
00:18:42,577 --> 00:18:46,027
Some people don't think dating agencies
are worth the cash,
360
00:18:47,086 --> 00:18:49,640
but I think today
has proved them all wrong.
361
00:18:49,806 --> 00:18:50,906
I'm chuffed.
362
00:18:56,767 --> 00:18:59,402
Now my new papa's
gonna say something.
363
00:19:00,242 --> 00:19:03,085
Now I only met David last night,
364
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:07,024
but I must say he knows
how to have a good time.
365
00:19:07,144 --> 00:19:09,231
You should've seen that stripper...
366
00:19:09,351 --> 00:19:11,464
I couldn't believe it
when he put that dildo right...
367
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,040
What a touching speech!
368
00:19:13,483 --> 00:19:15,010
Beautiful, beautiful.
369
00:19:16,208 --> 00:19:17,558
All right. Now...
370
00:19:18,128 --> 00:19:20,387
the speech
you've all been waiting for.
371
00:19:20,771 --> 00:19:22,760
Ladies and gentlemen, Alice,
372
00:19:23,291 --> 00:19:25,080
may I introduce you
373
00:19:25,509 --> 00:19:27,640
to Sir Donald of Danbury.
374
00:19:29,166 --> 00:19:31,280
This was the moment I was dreading.
375
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,340
This better be amazing!
376
00:19:34,650 --> 00:19:38,250
I mean, I just had nothing nice
or amusing to say about Dave.
377
00:19:39,460 --> 00:19:42,480
It was horrible.
I just wanted something to save me.
378
00:19:42,912 --> 00:19:43,912
Anything!
379
00:19:52,054 --> 00:19:53,354
Where did he go?
380
00:19:54,572 --> 00:19:55,572
Ladies...
381
00:19:59,081 --> 00:20:00,081
Dad!
382
00:20:01,609 --> 00:20:02,659
Dave, help!
383
00:20:03,032 --> 00:20:04,661
And... sleep.
384
00:20:05,407 --> 00:20:08,540
When you awake,
you'll think I gave an amazing speech.
385
00:20:08,660 --> 00:20:09,660
Wake.
386
00:20:15,473 --> 00:20:17,417
Come on, Bestie. Say something.
387
00:20:24,034 --> 00:20:26,320
We live in a cynical world.
388
00:20:26,974 --> 00:20:28,274
A cynical world.
389
00:20:28,846 --> 00:20:30,746
So what, if Dave only met...
390
00:20:33,126 --> 00:20:34,016
Alice...
391
00:20:34,391 --> 00:20:35,680
three weeks ago.
392
00:20:35,976 --> 00:20:38,106
So what, if he barely knows...
393
00:20:41,246 --> 00:20:42,396
When you know...
394
00:20:42,516 --> 00:20:43,640
you just know.
395
00:20:44,884 --> 00:20:47,915
I think about when I first met
my beautiful wife, Garden.
396
00:20:50,098 --> 00:20:51,948
It's a great name, bite me!
397
00:20:53,415 --> 00:20:55,240
I think about when I first saw her.
398
00:20:56,067 --> 00:20:57,520
She took my breath away.
399
00:20:58,922 --> 00:21:00,074
I remember thinking,
400
00:21:00,194 --> 00:21:01,908
"Yeah, I'd nail her".
401
00:21:03,407 --> 00:21:06,560
No, I mean, you know,
because she was so utterly beautiful.
402
00:21:07,137 --> 00:21:08,987
So gorgeous and charming...
403
00:21:09,379 --> 00:21:11,120
and she was also very funny...
404
00:21:12,130 --> 00:21:13,120
and clever.
405
00:21:14,846 --> 00:21:16,493
What I'm trying to say is,
406
00:21:16,861 --> 00:21:20,600
if Dave feels even half
of what I feel for my wife...
407
00:21:24,646 --> 00:21:26,455
well, he's a very lucky man.
408
00:21:29,671 --> 00:21:31,920
I don't know
where that all came from,
409
00:21:32,086 --> 00:21:33,480
but it worked a treat.
410
00:21:35,117 --> 00:21:36,284
What was that?
411
00:21:36,404 --> 00:21:37,604
That was shit.
412
00:21:38,526 --> 00:21:39,758
That was my speech.
413
00:21:40,745 --> 00:21:43,480
I want embarrassing stories
told about me.
414
00:21:43,646 --> 00:21:46,060
- I don't really have any.
- Yeah, you do.
415
00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:49,124
What about that time we lost
our virginity to the dinner lady?
416
00:21:49,244 --> 00:21:50,725
That was you, not me.
417
00:21:50,845 --> 00:21:51,680
And...?
418
00:21:52,245 --> 00:21:55,501
Well, you were 13,
she was 42 and recently out of prison.
419
00:21:55,621 --> 00:21:57,404
Technically, she raped you.
420
00:21:57,700 --> 00:21:59,544
Is that the sort of thing you want?
421
00:22:00,951 --> 00:22:02,680
Yeah, that's it.
422
00:22:04,452 --> 00:22:05,439
Classic.
423
00:22:05,559 --> 00:22:07,125
Come on. More like that!
424
00:22:14,276 --> 00:22:16,592
Excuse me.
May I just borrow my husband?
425
00:22:21,642 --> 00:22:22,642
Come on!
426
00:22:28,595 --> 00:22:29,646
There he is.
427
00:22:30,026 --> 00:22:32,526
Nobody will notice
if we just slink in.
428
00:22:36,940 --> 00:22:40,160
- You are quite the actor, Don.
- What do you mean?
429
00:22:40,644 --> 00:22:43,120
All that stuff
about when you first saw me.
430
00:22:46,587 --> 00:22:47,587
Sorry.
431
00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:49,080
I hope you don't mind.
432
00:22:51,093 --> 00:22:53,160
You were just in character,
though, right?
433
00:22:56,839 --> 00:22:58,339
Some of it was true.
434
00:23:00,016 --> 00:23:01,016
Which bit?
435
00:23:02,679 --> 00:23:04,960
I did think you were pretty hot
when I first saw you.
436
00:23:10,769 --> 00:23:12,080
Where did you learn that?
437
00:23:19,839 --> 00:23:21,640
You're full of surprises
this weekend.
438
00:23:26,341 --> 00:23:28,520
Wait.
Are you sure you wanna do that?
439
00:23:29,822 --> 00:23:33,033
God! You must still be in character
if you're being sensible.
440
00:23:33,206 --> 00:23:34,812
It's just... you know...
441
00:23:41,659 --> 00:23:43,920
Can I... have this dance?
442
00:23:44,086 --> 00:23:45,136
It depends.
443
00:23:45,601 --> 00:23:47,230
Are you still fertile?
444
00:23:47,646 --> 00:23:49,600
I could make triplets
with this son of a bitch.
445
00:24:00,046 --> 00:24:01,046
Look...
446
00:24:03,430 --> 00:24:05,992
- I know we haven't always...
- Don't ruin it.
447
00:24:11,285 --> 00:24:12,435
I don't know.
448
00:24:13,730 --> 00:24:16,237
Look,
maybe it's because we're at a wedding
449
00:24:16,357 --> 00:24:18,891
or I've been drunk
for the last 26 hours,
450
00:24:19,011 --> 00:24:20,444
but this feels nice.
451
00:24:21,682 --> 00:24:22,682
Bizarrely.
452
00:24:32,405 --> 00:24:34,243
Allow me to introduce myself.
453
00:24:34,922 --> 00:24:38,040
The caring gene has been
in the Singh family for generations.
454
00:24:38,893 --> 00:24:42,200
- Right, I'm going to go to bed.
- But it's still so early.
455
00:24:42,425 --> 00:24:44,936
I never said
that I was going to go to sleep.
456
00:24:45,685 --> 00:24:47,600
Maybe we should just...
457
00:24:47,766 --> 00:24:50,320
stay in character...
for the rest of the night?
458
00:24:50,907 --> 00:24:52,960
Are we still that couple
going through a rough patch?
459
00:24:56,326 --> 00:24:58,240
But I think we're about to make up.
460
00:24:59,966 --> 00:25:01,627
Just give me five minutes.
461
00:25:09,765 --> 00:25:11,694
Don was just like you
when I first met him.
462
00:25:11,814 --> 00:25:12,751
Hostile.
463
00:25:12,871 --> 00:25:14,160
Deluded. Obnoxious.
464
00:25:14,665 --> 00:25:15,915
Are you a homo?
465
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:18,400
Sapien or sexual?
466
00:25:18,566 --> 00:25:19,440
Right!
467
00:25:19,606 --> 00:25:21,800
I want you out of here,
you creepy oddball.
468
00:25:25,213 --> 00:25:26,665
What are you doing here?
469
00:25:27,647 --> 00:25:30,629
I hope you don't mind, but I've decided
to look after Dave from now on.
470
00:25:30,749 --> 00:25:33,160
Remove your hand now,
you freaky twat.
471
00:25:33,326 --> 00:25:35,880
- All right, Dave.
- If you don't leave in under a minute,
472
00:25:36,046 --> 00:25:38,120
I'll rip your head off
and shit down your neck.
473
00:25:38,727 --> 00:25:40,400
You're gonna be a tough project.
474
00:25:41,189 --> 00:25:44,006
I'll take care of this. Come here,
Eddie, what are you doing?
475
00:25:46,846 --> 00:25:49,320
He's the freakoid you were with
at the supermarket.
476
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:51,632
What's the deal with you two?
Are you bum chums?
477
00:25:51,752 --> 00:25:53,877
Just because I've wiped his bum...
478
00:25:54,846 --> 00:25:58,295
Does your missus not mind
you having this little bit on the side?
479
00:25:59,046 --> 00:26:02,757
I'd be careful if I were you,
bringing up wives and bits on the side.
480
00:26:03,406 --> 00:26:05,000
Don't be a massive dickhead.
481
00:26:05,166 --> 00:26:07,900
Speaking of which,
how's your massive dick-head?
482
00:26:08,206 --> 00:26:10,640
Why are you doing this?
Why are you siding with that freak?
483
00:26:10,806 --> 00:26:12,356
Eddie is not a freak.
484
00:26:13,759 --> 00:26:14,840
He's my friend!
485
00:26:16,606 --> 00:26:19,640
And you know why?
Because there's mutual respect.
486
00:26:19,806 --> 00:26:21,880
Not like with you.
You just abuse me,
487
00:26:22,046 --> 00:26:23,946
call me names, tell me to do things,
488
00:26:24,066 --> 00:26:26,130
expect me
to just jump at your orders.
489
00:26:26,250 --> 00:26:28,544
That's not what we're about.
Eh, Eddie?
490
00:26:29,185 --> 00:26:32,021
- That is kind of how you treat me.
- Now shush your mouth.
491
00:26:32,566 --> 00:26:34,720
If you don't mind,
I'm gonna go to my room
492
00:26:34,886 --> 00:26:37,198
and have beautiful, sexy intercourse
493
00:26:37,318 --> 00:26:39,768
with my wonderfully-named wife,
Garden.
494
00:26:41,388 --> 00:26:42,538
Come on, you.
495
00:26:45,589 --> 00:26:48,080
What did he mean
by that "bit on the side" comment?
496
00:26:51,488 --> 00:26:52,888
Did you mean that?
497
00:26:53,492 --> 00:26:54,480
We're friends?
498
00:26:54,820 --> 00:26:55,820
Of course.
499
00:26:57,158 --> 00:26:59,188
I thought
you didn't want me around any more.
500
00:27:01,026 --> 00:27:02,943
I'd be a total mess without you.
501
00:27:04,006 --> 00:27:05,640
You complete me.
502
00:27:07,534 --> 00:27:09,240
Now fuck off, you're not invited.
503
00:27:09,406 --> 00:27:10,406
Gotcha.
504
00:27:13,599 --> 00:27:15,776
I couldn't believe
how excited I was.
505
00:27:15,896 --> 00:27:16,857
Me and Sam.
506
00:27:16,977 --> 00:27:19,919
I mean, who'd have thought it?
But somehow it felt right.
507
00:27:20,039 --> 00:27:21,138
It felt good.
508
00:27:21,258 --> 00:27:22,671
Maybe this was fate.
509
00:27:27,554 --> 00:27:28,554
Abby?
510
00:27:30,670 --> 00:27:33,425
"Hi, Don. Guess who?
Your old flatmate.
511
00:27:33,545 --> 00:27:37,000
"I've just got back to the UK.
I'm staying at my mum's for a few days
512
00:27:37,166 --> 00:27:40,600
"but I'll be back at home next week.
Can't wait to see you. Abby.
513
00:27:40,730 --> 00:27:42,210
"Kiss, kiss."
514
00:27:52,620 --> 00:27:53,970
It is my husband.
515
00:28:00,003 --> 00:28:01,422
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516
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