All language subtitles for How Not To Live Your Life s02e05 Don Gets Healthy.eng

I hate having my hair cut.

No matter how much
you emphasise "not too short",

they always cut it too short.

And even if they're ruining my hair,

I never have the courage
to say something.

I said, "Not too short!"

You stupid idiot!

You're raping my hair!

How's that for you, then?

Yeah, it's great. Thanks.

I mean, would I just say,
"Great, thanks" to anything she did?

{ things Don would say
"Great, thanks" to}

How's that for you?

It's great. Thanks.

Great. Thanks.

It's great. Thanks.

Great. Thanks.

It's great. Thanks.

- What's that?
- A shit.

Great, thanks!

.:: La Fabrique ::.

Dickheads Team

Synchro : mpm & Arrow

Episode 205
Don gets healthy

Living with Sam
has had its ups and downs.

However, one of the ups is having
someone to chat to over breakfast.

You might not think it, but that
was a perfectly formed conversation.

Let me translate.

Only just got out of bed?

Yes, I have,

so what of it?

Pathetic.

I can get out of bed whenever I want,
thank you very much.

God, you think
you're so perfect, don't you?

Just because you look
really hot in your gym gear.

What?

Nothing.

See? Regular morning chit-chat.

- Can I help you with something?
- Jesus!

Where did you spring out from?

The pantry.
Searching high and low for Babybels.

He likes them with his breakfast.
Do you want one?

No, thank you. I've made up
my own special health drink.

Are you sure
you're meant to drink that?

It's good for you.

There's a saying, Don,
you may have even heard it:

"Healthy body, healthy mind".

I prefer the other saying:

"Never drink anything
that looks like poo".

- Not sure that's a saying.
- It'll catch on. Mark my words.

No, I'll just stick to what
normal people drink in the mornings.

Fetch me a Dr Pepper, will you?

And your favourite:
one full English.

Sexy pants.

- Problem?
- There will be

if you keep eating that every day.

This is what city-folk eat,
sweetheart.

If I wanted berries and greens,
I'd live in the woods.

Are you not at university today?

Not until this afternoon, no.

I wonder if ants are sexually
attracted to each other?

I wonder if there are gay ants?

Would they be camp?

So many unanswered ant theories.

As much as I would love
to stand here

and listen to you talk about the sexual
orientation of Hymenoptera...

I was talking about gay ants,
wasn't I?

I'm gonna go to the gym.
Ever been to the gym?

Don at a gym? What a wacky notion.

I get the feeling you think
I'm some kind of layabout

who just does nothing all day.

No, I've never thought
that about you, Don.

Not even when you just lay about
and do...

nothing all day.

What makes you both think
I'm so unfit?

{ reasons they might think
Don's so unfit}

Out the way!

All right!

Oh, my God!
I'm knackered.

Breathe.

You guys have got me all wrong.

I love exercise.

I frickin' love it.

I can see one of your balls.

Why don't you come with me, then?

Yeah, I mean,
that sounds awesome, really fun.

But, you know, I've got stuff to do,

need to sort out some shit.

Some shit?

If you can't handle
a bit of exercise then,

that's fine. Just say so.

Don, I think
it would be a great idea.

Imagine what Abby would think
if she came back to a hunk.

It's a gym, guys.
They don't do plastic surgery.

All right. I'll come, I'm coming.
I'll come. I'll show you what's fit.

Cool. Come on, then!

I'll meet you outside.

Thanks a bunch, Eddie.

- I hate the gym!
- But you just said you loved exercise.

I lied!

I couldn't bear her smugness.

"Look at me. I'm so healthy,
and brainy

"and semi-attractive".

I'm telling you, I think
I'm actually allergic to the gym.

I went once
and I broke out in sweats,

my muscles were aching,
my face went all red.

- I think that's normal.
- Really?

Oh, God.

What have I got myself into?

What is it about the gym
that's so annoying?

Not just the exercise bit,

but the music, the people,
the clothes you have to wear.

Right, what first?

Exercise. Fun. Can't wait!

What are you wearing?

What?

Look, this was the best
I could rustle up at such short notice.

Believe me,
I went through all the options.

We better start with some stretches.

Nice!

Come on.

Stop messing around.
Go all the way.

- I'm trying.
- Stop it.

Come on. Take it seriously.

I am.

- This is as far as I can go.
- Are you made of wood?

Oh, my God. You're so stiff.

- What?
- No. Your legs, Don.

- You can't even touch your shins.
- Yes, I can, look.

See, that's why our knees bend.

Anyway, it's not natural for people
to be able to reach all the...

There.

Easy.

You ever thought
of joining the circus?

Bloody freak.

Do we have to run?

Can't we do sitting down exercises?

You know, like rowing, or weights,

or sitting?

- I thought you loved exercising?
- I do.

I love it.

- There's some pretty fit people here.
- Yeah, obviously, Don. It's a gym.

No. I mean fit,

as in I'd like to have sexy intercourse
with them.

Come on.

I'm miles ahead of you.

All right.

I suppose one little quick run
to break me in.

Can't hear you.

I'm halfway down the street.

See you at the corner shop.

Exercise!

Jesus Christ.

- You look awful, are you OK?
- I'm fine.

- Sure?
- Yeah.

- Everything all right?
- Oh, God.

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry!

See? I told Eddie
I was allergic to the gym.

I was actually sick.

And now this,

getting changed in a public place,
I hate it.

Look.

That's not right.

A stranger's batty
four inches from my face.

And another one.

Did I miss the meeting where we agreed
we're cool with this?

{ thing you shouldn't say
to a naked man}

Do you mind if I just...?

You must be really chuffed
with that?

It's massive!

- It's in there somewhere.
- Are you sure?

I can't see anything.

- How did it go?
- Yeah, it was a great little work out.

Little being the operative word.

First rule of gym: don't overdo it.

First rule of gym: do some exercise.

- Drinklettes?
- Yes.

You all right, Mrs Treacher?

My husband's dead,

remember?

I know.

You've told us.

Many, many times.

How exactly did he pass on?

We were on holiday in Ibiza.

My Bill wanted to know
what all the fuss was about.

- Why all the youngsters go there.
- Can you believe that?

He decided it was his last chance
to live it up a little.

He was 86 and wanted
to have it large in San Antonio.

We did pills, MDMA,

speed, Ketamine,

- we went to all those foam parties.
- You didn't mind all the loud music?

No, Bill just switched
his hearing aid off and got spangled.

It's mad, innit?

Like Cocoon 3, the Balearic years.

Right...

I'm all right.

So, did her husband OD on drugs?

They hired mopeds one day.
He crashed his into a bin.

Because he was so out of his head?

Cos he was 86.

Wakey-wakey, Donald.

Stop touching my balls, Louis Walsh!

What?

- What's going on?
- It's Thursday,

and we are going to the gym.

What?

Look, it's dark outside.

It means it's still Wednesday.

It's 7am, Thursday morning.

It's 7am, Wednesday night.
Go back to bed.

You're so rubbish.

I did some exercise last night, OK,
while you were out.

Yes, but you don't just want your
right arm to be muscly, do you?

Very funny.

Actually, I use both hands.

That way I imagine
I'm in a threesome.

Fine, if you are giving in then...

that's absolutely fine.

I'm not giving in.

All right, I'm coming.

Good!
OK, five minutes.

Look at these people,
they're all mental.

I mean, they get out of bed
much earlier than they need to,

just to come here and get knackered.

Weirdos.

Don, you remember Grant, right?
He's the guy you threw up on?

- Sorry about that.
- It's fine.

When you're that unfit
it can be tough.

Anyway, good to meet you.
Grant Bibbib.

- Don. Beep-beep.
- What?

I dunno? You started it.

That's my name. Grant Bibbib.

B-I-B-B-I-B.

- And how are you getting on?
- Yeah, I'm OK, thank you.

I can see.

And how are you?

I don't quite know
why I made that noise.

It just came out.

Don's not really a gym person.
Are you, Don?

She's insane in the mind.
I love the gym.

Of course you do.

So, Miss World...

You wanna spot me
on the bench press?

Yeah. Sure.

Yeah, I'd love
to push some weights with ya.

You sure about that?

Haven't lifted iron
since I was a boy.

98,

99,

100.

- That was fun.
- Was it?

Let's double the weight.

That's a lot more.

I'll be fine as you long
you both spot me.

- You'll spot me, Don?
- Sure thing, Grant Bibbib.

Right, ready.

Guys!

Grant Bibbib, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's fine.
I shouldn't have given someone as weak

that kind of responsibility.

It was an accident.

I didn't feel bad.
Something about Grant annoyed me.

The way he talked down to me
like I don't belong in a gym.

Yeah, OK, he's right,
I don't belong in a gym.

It can't be that bad.

I just lifted a ton of weights.

You lifted two and half pounds,
Donald.

- Your Beano comics are heavier.
- Excuse me. I don't read Beano comics.

Sorry. Dandy comics.

That's better.

If you don't want to come to the gym
with me any more, I'll understand.

- It's all right, I'm loving it.
- You don't actually need to bulk up.

You like what you see, do ya?

No. You have a teenager's body.

I like real men.

But you do need to be more healthy.

You need to start thinking about
what you're putting in your body.

You had a sausage and egg sandwich
at midnight last night.

That's not so bad?

You put a Curly Wurly in it,
and then you deep fried it.

And then you washed it down
with a litre of cider.

Cider's got apples in it.

Healthy, yeah?

How do you like them apples?

You need to detox.

- You should go for a colonic.
- Say what now?

Colonic irrigation. They're really good
for you, and you'd lose weight.

They stick a tube up your
batty sleeve

and suck out all the bum rubbish,
right?

Yes. I think
that's the technical term.

Colonic?

It's a bit embarrassing, isn't it?

Apparently
you feel amazing afterwards.

- Still wanna go out tonight?
- I'm sorry, Grant, I can't, I'm busy.

Yeah, of course. I can't wait.

Great.
Can I get you a coffee?

I've got one, thank you.

So, you and Grant Bibbib, eh?

What exactly don't you like
about him?

He's just so full of himself.

And don't you mind going out
with a man with bigger boobs than you?

So I decided to go for a colonic.

What the hell!

If it means losing a bit of weight
and feeling good without doing exercise,

then who cares
about the tube up the bum bit?

I'm Jackie.
I'll be performing your treatment today.

You wanna come through?

I couldn't believe it,
it was the girl from the gym!

Right, yeah.

This was awful.

I was expecting it to be some freaky
hippy mamma with large hands,

not a sexy lady I'd flirted with.

I'm just going
to lubricate the anus.

Cold?

Not cold. Just new.
Very new.

This really wasn't
what I was expecting.

I mean, bad enough
I'm having a colonic,

but even worse
that I fancy the woman doing it.

You seem nervous, Don.

I don't normally let a woman see
my bum hole until at least the 3rd date.

Is this a date, then?

I'm about to put the tip
of the tube in.

You might feel some discomfort at first,
but don't worry, you'll get used to it.

- Jesus!
- There.

See?

It's amazing how quickly
the sphincter relaxes.

- Yeah, amazing.
- Now you know what gay men go through.

Are these jokes really necessary?

Right...

lie on your back.

And you should feel
the water beginning to enter you.

What made you decide
to have this done?

A friend of mine
said it would do me good.

Is that their way of telling you
you're full of shit?

Enough with the wise cracks,
already.

Here it comes.

- Have you eaten a lot of eggs recently?
- What, you can tell?

Yeah, you're quite bunged up.
Eggs are very binding.

This was really freaking me out.

I was afraid
of what she might say next.

Look, a slice of bacon.

Is that a condom full of heroin?

A Micro Machine toy.

I've been looking for that
for years!

- God, there goes your lung!
- What?

Is that Alphabetti Spaghetti?

Sexy... pants?

- Are we finished?
- Nearly.

Listen. I don't normally do this...

What, this is your first time?
Are you insane?

I hadn't finished.

I was wondering
if you'd like to go out

on a date sometime?

I can honestly say that I have
never been in this position before.

I mean a woman asking me out.

But yes, I've also never been
in this physical position, either.

I've just got to play it cool.

Yeah, sure.

That would be nice.

Great!

There we go.

Another postcard from Abby?

She's in...

Auckland.

- New Zealand?
- No, Auckland.

Did you go for a drink
with Grant Bibbib last night?

I might've done, Donald.

She's seeing
this guy from the gym, right.

His name's Grant Bibbib.

What a funny name!

I know.

I wonder where it comes from?

So, did you go for a colonic
in the end?

I don't want
anyone knowing about it.

So you did?

Yes. But I don't want anyone
knowing about it.

How was it?

- Yeah, it was pretty good actually.
- And do you feel detoxified?

Oh, that? Well, that was weird.

Having a tube spray warm water
up my bum anus,

that was just wrong.

However, batty garbage
isn't the only thing she got out of me.

She asked me on a date.

I mean, I'm not surprised. Chicklets
ask me out on dates all the time.

You're going out
with your colonic therapist?

I don't want anyone
knowing about it.

Promise me. Please, promise me
you will not say anything?

I promise.

Is she all right?

What?

Sorry.

- I thought you might be dead.
- Chance would be a fine a thing.

So I went for dinner with Jackie.

Annoyingly, we had to sit on a table
right next to another one.

I can't bear eating
really close to strangers,

especially if I am on a date
with a colonic therapist.

I mean, I don't want people
overhearing us talk about my anus.

Drinks?

I know it's a bit extravagant,
but shall we have some champagne?

Sounds great.

Can I get a bottle
of your cheapest white wine

and a bottle of fizzy water?

Certainly.

It's a little trick I know.

Saves a lot of money.

So, how are you feeling
since the colonic?

We don't need to talk shop!

- There's no need to be embarrassed.
- I'm not embarrassed...

That didn't last long, did it?

Great.

- You all know each other?
- No, we're very good at guessing names.

Sorry.
Hi, I'm Sam.

Hi, nice to meet you.

If you don't mind, we're...

Fine.

Because we are...

as well.

Ready to order?

Yes, I'll have the pate to start.

That comes with toast, Don.
Bread's not great for the colon.

Especially not
the state yours is in.

Just forget the starter.
I'll have a steak, thanks.

Red meat?

There's a lot of that piled up
inside your bowels.

Just get me a salad!
No dressing, though.

In fact, just dry leaves. Thanks.

- Madam?
- I'll have the pate to start

followed by the steak.

Think I'll treat myself tonight.

Great.

So, how do you all know each other?

I'm Don's flatmate.

I only met these two recently.
My name's Grant.

- Hi, I'm Jackie.
- What do you do Jackie?

- I'm a...
- Therapist.

- Really?
- Not really, no.

- I'm a...
- Woman.

- Very good. Yes, actually, I'm a...
- Pisces.

What?

You're a Pisces.
I'm assuming.

Actually, I'm a Taurus.

Why are you acting so bizarrely?

I'm not, am I?

Are you embarrassed by me?

- I'm proud of you.
- Proud?

You should be proud too, because...

of where you came from and all that.

Great! Thanks a bunch.

You couldn't just keep a secret.

Yes, Grant Bibbib.
I let her put a tube up my sphincter.

So what? I'm metrosexual.

I wanna try new things.

You wouldn't go on a date with her

just because she's
a colonic infiltrator.

That's not my job title.

You are pathetic, Bibbib.

Now, if you don't mind,
I'd like to eat my leaves

with my bum, bird, date!

Forget them. They're imbeciles.

That's the single most humiliating thing
anyone's ever done to me.

Where are you going, Jackie?

- See what you've done?
- I never said anything.

- I saw you. Your whispers and jokes.
- We were having a private conversation.

If you haven't noticed,
your table is very close to ours.

What so, you didn't...

tell him that...

she gave me a colonic?

You had a colonic?

You let someone put something up
your bum? That's disgusting.

Are you some kind of nancy boy?

- Did you know he's queer?
- Right, that's it. Get lost.

What?
What did I do?

You just became
incredibly repellent.

- I only called him a nancy boy.
- Get out.

- Come off it.
- I'm being serious. Go.

Now.

This Grant is reversing.

So what did you do that for?

Because he was being crass
and homophobic.

And you were right,

he does have bigger boobs than me.

Well, looks like
it's just you and me again.

We could invite an old friend?

- Who?
- Samuel Bucca?

Can we get
four shots of Sambuca, please?

Hang on.

Aren't we supposed
to be gym-ing tomorrow?

Let's face it, Don, you are never
going back to the gym, are you?

Here.

- Champagne, madam?
- I don't mind if I do.

Nice.

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