All language subtitles for Harley Quinn s01e07_English

Aw. And that's one chipmunk
we'll never forget.

In other news,
evil sorceress,
Queen of Fables,

won a huge ruling today when
a judge found her imprisonment
in a US Tax Code

to be cruel
and unusual punishment.

[Queen of Fables]
They always use
that same damn picture.

Better than the picture
they use of me.

Hey, at least they're
letting you out soon.

Are we still gonna get
our weekly coffees?

If I'm not too busy
getting my fuck on.

[both laugh]

So, what's the update
with the Legion of Doom?

Nada. Same as last week.

Who do I gotta blow up
to get an invite?

Easy. Find the thing
the Legion wants most,

and then you get it
for yourself.

All right, I've got
a two o'clock with
an independent contractor

who keeps his receipts
in a fuckin' ALF lunch box.

Bane, Sinestro, Grodd,

I mean, even Joker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We know what they look like.

-What's your point?
-That they've all
tried and failed

to steal Kord Industries'
game-changing
weather machine.

Which is why
we are gonna do it.

If none of them
could steal it,

that seems like a pretty
good indicator that
we should not try.

But if we succeed, it will
make the Legion so furious,

they'll have to notice us.

I sent Clayface
to do some recon.

My character
was a sassy divorcee...

Can we please not do
the unnecessary
backstory thing?

-...named Brenda...
-Okay.

...who is back
in the dating game
for the first time in a while,

and she's decided to get
adult braces.

-Of course she did.
-I know what you're thinking.

It's a little expensive
on a secretary's salary,

but no! You can't put
a price on a smile.

So she threw caution
to the wind--

Clayface! Intel!

The machine is being
protected by 1,000-ish lasers,

according to head scientist
Jerome Stansfield,

who may or may not be
heartbroken when Brenda

does not show up
to work tomorrow.

How will we ever get past
1,000-ish lasers?

Already thought of that.
Psycho?

S.T.A.R. Labs created
a personal force field device

that deflects energy.

Problem is, the only
way to get into the room

is through an air duct
about four inches wide.

I don't know how the hell
we're gonna do that.

Yeah. I thought
that might be an issue.

-And?
-And I was right.

It's a definite issue.

[Frank] Oh, shit, Harley.

The news is talking
about that book you love.

Oh, Clive Cussler's
Sahara?

Clive Cuss-- No.

Queen of Fables.

Oh, that's right.
She's gettin' out today.

We are bringing you live
to the courtroom

where Queen of Fables
is being released

from her tax book prison
of 30 years.

Oh, yeah.

Damn! Feels good to
get out of those pages.

Thanks, Zatanna.
Thanks, Judge. See ya.

Whoa! What the...

Watch the robe.

You said you were
gonna release me!

I did. From the tax code.

But you're hereby sentenced
to serve the remainder of
your time in Arkham Asylum.

[Harley] What?
That's bullshit!

Somebody's gotta do something.

She's been stuck in
that book for 30 years!

[laughs] Yeah, 'cause
she almost destroyed Gotham.

Yeah, I think it was more of
a lack of affordable housing
that destroyed Gotham

but, look, Fables has
been a mentor to me.

She just gets a bad rap.

Look. Obviously,
I'm not pro-Arkham,

but if there was any person
who definitely belongs there,

it would be the Queen of--
Oh, my God. And you're gone.

Yeah. She didn't hear
any of that shit.

[laughs]

[inhales and yells]

How about a light, handsome?

Yeah, yeah, sure thing.

Aw. Butterfingers.

[tires screech]

[crashing]

Well, I'll be damned.

Aw, I couldn't
leave you behind.

-[beeping]
-Why, thank you, Harley.

[grunts]

Let's ride.

[theme music playing]

All right, everyone.

I would like to introduce
Queen of Fables.

She's agreed to help us
break into S.T.A.R. Labs.

So, yeah. I'm gonna
need you to pull something

around four inches tall
out of your storybook.

Sure, but I'm not sure how
Prince Charming's dick
is gonna help ya.

[all laughing]

Kinda low hanging fruit.
Not even tryin'.

I'm just playin' around.

After what you did for me,

you can have whatever
you need, honey.

So you can pull any character
out of your storybook?

Sure can.
Who's your favorite?

Oh, I'm partial
to Humpty Dumpty.

Hi, everybody.

-Aw.
-Oh, my God. It's him!

Oh, he's so-- [screams]

He makes the best eggs.

-Y'all got
a kitchen here, right?
-[crying]

Uh, Harley. A moment?

What are you thinking?

Uh, that the only way to get
the Legion of Doom's attention

is that weather machine,
and she's gonna help me
steal it?

No, no, no, no.

Seriously, you do not
want to get involved
with this bitch.

She's like a real,
legit bad guy.

Dude, we're all bad guys.

Uh, first of all, I care
about the environment, okay?

I don't know what about that
makes me a bad guy.

Yeah. Says the girl who
dissolved the head of
ACE Chemicals

in a bath
of his own herbicide.

Best Earth Day ever.
Holla. [chuckles]

Fables has been teaching me
the ropes of super villainy.

You were the one saying
I should listen
to other people.

No. I said
listen to me, okay?

You're a bad guy
but you're a good person.

Uh, I don't know, Ive.
Bad is bad.

Ugh! All right,
let me try this again.

You're like broadcast bad.

She's cable bad.

[screaming]

Trust me.
You're gonna regret this.

I can't listen to you
when you're dressed
like a '40s housewife

who's fucking
her husband's boss.

I mean,
what is with that outfit?

What? Oh, I'm just...
I'm going out to...

-To do environment.
-"To do environment"?

Ho!

Oh, God.
Is that a bouquet of roses?

You realize that's like
handing me a bunch of
baby heads, right?

Uh, baby heads.
With baby bodies.

Guess who's one step
ahead of you?

[softly] Kite Man.

This is actually
very sweet of you,
what you've done here.

-Yeah, you look bangin'.
-Oh, God.
You make this so hard.

Okay. Are you ready?

Uh, did you check out
my apartment number?

[laughs] It was a 66.
I did a little flip-a-roo

on that second numero seis
to make it real nice.

This was a mistake.
We should've just met
at the motel again.

-I feel like that's
more of our jam.
-No.

No, I was just jokin'.

I'm gonna put it back.
I'm putting it back.
I'll put it back, babe.

So, you sure you don't
wanna go out for dinner?

-Instead of a movie?
-What? In a public place?

Yeah, I mean,
Kite Man likes to peacock.

With his peahen.

-That's a female peacock.
-I understood.

Uh, let's do a movie.

Okay? Like, definitely,
a movie is my choice.

Gotcha.
Restaurant next time.

Nice.

Okay, Queen. You're up.

Aw. He is precious.

But are you sure
Cinderella's mouse
is up for the job?

Ow.

That answer your question?

It does, but it actually
brings up a lot of
other questions.

All right. We got a personal
force field to steal.

The hell?

Oh, shit.

[announcer on PA]
Welcome to the Praxis
family reunion.

[people chattering
indistinctly]

Damn it, that guy
ratted us out.

-I'm calling off the mission.
-Relax.

You do your thing.
I'll keep them busy.

Who likes fairy tales?

[children clamoring]

Mmm-hmm.

-[alarm blaring]
-[sirens wailing]

[Clayface] We did it!

Fables, let's go!
We pulled off the caper
without a--

[all scream]

-[Harley] Oh, shit!
-[King Shark]
This is horrifying!

I won't be needing
these anymore.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything.

All credit goes
to the Big Bad Wolf here.

[growls]

But why?

You were there.
That guy ratted us out.

So I killed that guy.

Then everyone saw me
kill that guy,

so I killed everyone.

You gotta end
the bloodline and prevent
any revenge killing.

I mean, that's just Evil 101.

Uh, I taught that class
at Boston College,

and we never covered
anything this fucked up.

All right, guys. Come on.
Take a look around.

Make sure I got everyone.

Make sure they're all dead.

Uh, yup. Yup.

You killed the shit
out of everyone. Let's go.

All right. Let me grab
the Three Little Pigs
to clean this mess up.

Oh, they are cu--Oh, Jesus.

-[pigs squealing]
-There we go.
Go get 'em, boys.

Come on. The bones, too.

-Come on. The bones.
-[bones crunching]

You know, no one ever
talks about it

but it's almost impossible
to get brain out of a cape.

Did she do the pig thing or...

That's a yes. So...

You think I was right
to be worried?

Yes. Oh, my God.
Ivy, you were way right.

She is... a lot.

And so now you're gonna
tell her that it's...

Over. Yes. I'll tell her.

We'll just go back to
being friends that
do not work together.

Boy, that was some fun shit,
Harley, huh?

Come on. Up top.
And guess what?

I decided to stick around
a little while longer.

Help you get
that weather machine.

[chuckles nervously]
Oh, that's too generous.

I don't wanna put you out.

Nonsense. This is fun.

I feel like I'm gettin'
my groove back.

Oh, and if you liked the pigs,

wait till you see
the three blind mice
eat a body.

The mice eat bodies, too?

Oh, my God.

Those little bastards can just
gnaw the shit out of a head.

It takes longer 'cause they
got those little, you know,
mice teeth, the best!

Wow. Now, that's fun,
Harley, right?

That's the kinda stuff
you've got ahead of ya.

[sighs and clears throat]

Hey, uh, Fables?
We need to talk.

Hey, everybody.
Check your shoes.

Someone stepped in eye.
What's up?

You know, I appreciate
how much of a badass
you are,

I mean, listen, I consider you
a friend and a mentor,

-and just a real--
-You know what'd be great?

If you said
what you actually mean.

I just... I think maybe
you should sit out the
weather machine heist.

Your style, it's just
a little... intense.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I thought the point was
to get the job done.

Yeah, but not by murdering
innocent people,

I mean, it's just a line
I won't cross.

Oh, you got a line, huh?

Hey, guys. She has a line.

Superheroes have a line.

Teen Titans have a line.

We don't give a fuck.

Yeah, you know. I think
maybe I just give, like,
a microscopic fuck.

Well, the Legion of Doom
gives zero fucks.

And if you wanna get in there,

you better start
pole vaulting

over those lines
you don't wanna cross.

Is that from Mamma Mia?

Thank you for your counsel.

But I believe this is where
we must part ways.

I hope we can remain friends.

Am I the only one whose
asshole's puckering.

I think I clayed myself.

Okay. I'll be on
my merry way.

But you're makin'
a big mistake.

Rapunzel, Rumpelstiltskin.

Let's go tear some shit up.

[birds chirping]

Deuces.

Bon soir, bro.
Rezzy for two.

Under "Kite Man."

Oh, [clicks tongue]
I'm so sorry,
Monsieur Kite Man,

but we are a little backed up.
It will be about 40 minutes.

Uh, excuse me, well then,
what's the point of making
a rezzy here, bro?

I mean, I took
my lady out tonight

so we can see and be seen!

No, its fine. Can we just...
Can we just do the movie?

-Let's do the movie.
-But hon, we're here...

I wanted to take you out
for din din.

Excuse me. Sir, maybe
I'm listed under "Man, Kite."

Or "The Kite Man,"
sometimes that.

Oh. Okay. Wait. Hang on.

I know what happened here.

You don't recognize me
without the kite.

[grunts]

-I'm sorry there.
-I think put the kite
away maybe?

Well, that's actually
easier said than done.

Um, somebody got
an Allen key?

[grunts]

[grunts]

Hey, what's he doing here?

I thought he was
loyal to Fable.

He's a mercenary,
loyal to the almighty dollar.

An adorable little soldier
of fortune, isn't he?

Huh. I thought you said
this thing was protected
by a bunch of lasers?

That's what
the blueprints said.

[beeping]

[squeaks]

Oh, there they are.

Look. If it wasn't lasers,
it was gonna be lung cancer.

I have never seen
a mouse smoke unfiltered,

human-sized cigarettes
to that degree.

Okay, guys, y'know,
if my body gets
diced up by lasers,

I don't know, you do
something fun with it,

like mail my ear
to a random family

and say,
"We have your daughter."

You know,
something like that.

[guns whirring]

Hello, Legion of Doom.

[Harley] That's right, Mayor.

We'll raise the temperature
of Gotham by one degree

every minute till ya give us
a billion dollars!

[Clayface whispering]

And you produce Clayface's
Fuller House reboot...

Fullest House.

I have an inexpensive way in...

Not more people.
A smaller house.

You know what you
and your crew are, Ms. Quinn?

A scourge.

Hey, look at that,
the Mayor upgraded us

from nuisance to "scourge"!

Ooh, we skipped over "menace"?

That's a big jump.

That's what happens
when ya steal the unstealable.

[Queen of Fables]
Thanks for doing that,
by the way.

I'll be taking that
weather machine now.

Hey, Mayor,
I'll call ya back.

You fucked up, Harley.

Y'know, I do a lot of that,
so you're gonna have to be
more specific.

You pissed me off

and then let me
walk away in one piece?

Rookie mistake,
right, Big Bad?

[growls]

I can't believe
you're doing this.

I broke you out of Arkham!

I even helped ya sign up
for Tinder so ya can get
your fuck on.

I mean, we're friends!

Sometimes doing
whatever it takes means
fucking over your friends.

Hand over that weather machine.

Over my dead body.

All right. How you wanna go?

Little Bo Peep could beat
the shit outta ya with
her shepherd's stick.

Just tell me if you want
casket open or closed.

[all grunt]

[electricity crackling]

What the hell kinda
fairy tale is he from?

Well, from the looks of him,

one of those Danish ones
that's super racist.

He's not with me.

Um, anyone have
another magical storybook?

Shit, I mean, is there
a B. Dalton or a Waldenbooks
in this motherfucker?

[all yelling]

Who the hell are you?

-I am Jason Praxis.
-Who?

Last surviving member
of the 25th Annual Praxis
Family Reunion and Jamboree.

-Who?
-You murdered
all of my family!

[all] Oh, shit.

-Yeah, I did that.
-[yells]

Uh, hey, yeah,
I'm just checkin' to see
if my buzzer is broken

'cause you said it'd be
45 minutes and
it's been 40...

Oh. It's been 47.

I've got a riddle for you.

Who's hungry, but doesn't
have a reservation?

Monsieur Riddler,
looking well.
Right this way.

[Riddler laughs]

Y'know what, it's cool.
Let's just... Let's go.
Let's get out of here.

Uh, maybe you could
just drop your name.

-I mean, is it weird
for me to...
-Yeah, a little bit.

-I'd rather just not do that...
-Totally get it.

-Yeah. I mean,
you're a very humble person.
-No! Don't... Do not...

-Do not do that.
-Whoa. Babe, did you used to
work here or something?

Did you fuck the manager?

No judgement if ya did.
Kite Man is very secure.

-Great.
-Wait.

The sunglasses, the hat...

Are you embarrassed
to be seen with me?

-Can we talk about this
somewhere else?
-Oh, my God.

-No.
-You are embarrassed.

Is there even lingerie
under that trench coat?

-Kite Man, look.
-No, you Kite Man look.

You think I'm some
D-list piece of shit

that went to REI
and bought a hang-glider.

I don't think that...

But I mean, that is
what happened, right?

Oh, I'm sorry
I can't make plants

do all sorts of shit
with my mind.

We can't all be Poison Ivy!

Look! The table's ready.
Let's just... Let's go eat.

I believe I've lost
my appetite.

Kite Man, please don't do this.

You're the one doing
the "this."

Ah! I thought you ended
the bloodline?

I didn't leave anyone alive.
Did you see anyone alive?

-Eh...
-"Eh"? What is "Eh"?

I may have seen
one person left alive.

What? How long
have you been sittin'

on this little nugget
of information?

It was nothin'.
It was just a little girl...

With like a blonde...
ponytail.

Oh, shit.

And that's why
you always end the what?

[all] The bloodline.

The motherfucking
bloodline. Yes!

My family was close.

Not Appalachian
hillbilly close,

but we leaned
on each other.

We made each other laugh.

That all changed
when you showed up.

-[all gasping]
-[growls]

-[people screaming]
-[splattering]

My brothers gone.
Aunts, uncles, gone.

My cousin twice removed,
completely removed!

[growls]

I was so distraught.

I threw myself against
the electrified fence
at S.T.A.R. Labs,

but instead
of killing me, it...

-Gave him powers.
-It gave me powers!

Every goddamn time.
And now he wants to--

I seek revenge!

-That.
-Is there anythin' we can do
to make this right?

Not unless you can bring
my family back from the dead.

Hang on. Lemme check.
Anyone?

Yeah, no, we can't do that.
Your second choice?

Kill all of you!

Ooh, I didn't even know
he could do that.

I should tell you
I woke up this morning
with a post-nasal thing,

drank a lot of cough syrup
and I can't hold this
much longer.

Is there a third choice,
Mr. Praxis?

Hand over Queen of Fables
and the rest of you can live.

All right. Let's come up
with a plan here.

-Already got one.
-Hey, what the--

I'm comin' out
with the Queen.

She's all yours.

[siren blaring]

Hey.

Look, I got you a real nine.
[chuckles nervously]

So you don't have to, like,
turn your six upside down
to make the, you know, 69.

-[groans]
-[sighs]

Kite Man,
I'm here to apologize.

-Apology accepted.
-That wasn't the apology part.

Oh, right. Then by
all means, continue.

Okay.

I am genuinely sorry for how
I acted at the restaurant.

I mean, I pretend like
I'm this like badass

who doesn't care
what people think, but...

But you do.

Right, which is why
I said "I pretend."

No, no, no, I get it.

When you have a superpower
like being able to control
all plant life,

or having a kite,
there's just so much
you gotta live up to.

I love that you think that
that's a power.

Y'know, it's great.

I wish I had that kind of
insane level of confidence.

It's like, you genuinely
do not care what other
people think.

I care about what you think.

Aw, that's really
sweet of you to say.

And... I care about dat ass.

Okay. Look, you're not
traditionally the kind
of dude I date.

Y'know, you're just not.

But against all logic
and reason, I do like you.

Like, like-like?

-I mean, we've had sex.
-Nice.

-[door opens]
-Oh, hey.
This is my roommate Bill,

AKA the Bill-doe.

Hey. I'm Ivy.

I'm... I'm his girlfriend.

Hell, yeah.

I'm gonna send your ass
to the happily never after,
Fables!

-[laughs]
-Seriously? You liked that?

Indeed. Terse. Lucid.

Organically wove the theme
of his target into the barb!

A triumph!

I'm gonna get
some more cough syrup.

C'mon, Harley,

you don't have it
in you to do this.

You have a "line," remember?

Yeah. That's what
I used to think, too.

For House... Praxis!

[grunts]

'Ey, guess what?

You're not dead.

Force field, baby!
I slipped it on your wrist.

Damn. You set me up.

You tricky bitch.

I would never send
a friend to her death,

even one that
tried to screw me over.

So, you're just gonna
let me go?

Yeah. I got
the weather machine.

I won and I did it my way.

I'm a bad guy,
not a bad person.

You're a dumb person.

You're gonna regret
letting me walk out
of here alive, Quinn.

Don't forget your little book.

[groans]

Oh, no. He's waking up
and I cannot deal with
awkward situations.

D-Did I vanquish her?

Please, tell me
I avenged my family?

Uh, yeah?

Thank God.

[sniffles]
I can finally start...

-[screams]
-Fables!

-Why?
-[laughs]

Oh, my goodness.

Can you believe,
with all that
ending-the-bloodline talk,

I almost forgot
this guy? Jeez.

All right, now I'm going.

So what did I miss?

Oh, my God!
A lot, I guess.

[machine beeping]

[Clayface]
Try "NeilPatrickHarris1."

Clayface, is that
your personal password?

-No.
-Okay.

-[beeping]
-Well, it doesn't
work anyway.

So, lemme just
get this straight.

You went through two heists,
sacrificed a family

and that weird electric guy
just to steal an unstealable
weather machine,

but didn't realize that
you needed a password?

Ooh, unstealable! Try that.

[beeping]

[computer]
Too many failed
log in attempts.

Initiating self-destruct.

Oh, shit.

[theme music playing]