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1
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:15,876
- Good morning!
- Jesus Christ!
2
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,595
What are you doing sitting on the toilet
in the dark?
3
00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:22,600
Well, it starts with "A"
and ends with "poo”.
4
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:24,479
I mean,
why haven't you got the light on?
5
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,796
This might come as a surprise
to you, Brandy,
6
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,560
but even I can find
my bottom in the dark.
7
00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,832
I just don't expect someone to be
creeping round at 5:00 in the morning.
8
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:37,511
It's actually 6:20 and I can assure you,
I haven't done an awful lot of creeping.
9
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,836
Personally, I find when having a poo,
10
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:43,271
being stationary is almost certainly
the best option.
11
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:47,559
- I'm just going to brush my teeth.
- Please, don't let me stop you.
12
00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:58,560
Well, aren't you gonna ask me
where I've been?
13
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,717
Brandy, in the bar last night,
you declared
14
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:04,037
that you didn't intend to be
short of male company that evening.
15
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:09,189
You then stayed out all night
and have returned seven hours later,
16
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:13,356
looking like a scarecrow
and smelling like an alley cat.
17
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,915
But we are on this holiday together
only as friends.
18
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,031
Nothing more.
Perhaps not even that now.
19
00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:20,515
So no, I don't wanna know
where you've been,
20
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,756
because I really don't care.
21
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,278
You think you're so much better than me,
don't you?
22
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,233
Not at all.
My marriage has been a failure.
23
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,830
I'm 32, living on my own,
24
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,633
and reduced to taking a holiday
in a place
25
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:36,549
I swore I would never return to
simply because it was free.
26
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,157
But aside from all this,
I still have one remaining attribute,
27
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:43,716
which I obviously value
significantly more than you.
28
00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:45,873
Oh, yeah? What's that?
29
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,070
My dignity.
30
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,429
(FARTING)
31
00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:50,716
Excuse me.
32
00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:52,069
(GAGGING)
33
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:08,717
I don't know how many times
I can say I'm sorry.
34
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:12,352
We had the conversation
about you being gay.
35
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,520
And you said you were ready to come out.
36
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,793
I'm sure that's how it happened.
37
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:23,080
But I obviously got it wrong,
and I'm so sorry.
38
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:27,830
You haven't said a word to me
all morning, son.
39
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:32,514
We can't carry on
the rest of our holiday like this.
40
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:38,755
Geoff!
41
00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:44,870
Can you please tell us
what this is all about?
42
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:48,391
- Are we going on a boat, Mel?
- All will be revealed.
43
00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:52,871
We're going on a boat!
I bet we're going on a boat.
44
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,435
I get seasick if Mel fills
the bath too full.
45
00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:58,678
That's all we need, old queasy-chops
throwing up all over the place.
46
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:02,430
She's not joking. Remember that time you
booked to go to Ireland on the ferry?
47
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:04,039
She was sick four times.
48
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,754
And that was just in the travel agent's,
thinking about it.
49
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,554
Look, there's some fishermen over there.
50
00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,593
We'll go on a boat, and you can
stay here and play with their flies.
51
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,634
Ooh, I should have never had that liver
with me bacon this morning.
52
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:17,909
Onward.
53
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,709
Come on, love, we're going on a boat.
54
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,951
(MADGE EXCLAIMS IN FEAR)
55
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,549
Steady, steady. Here we go. Come on.
56
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,316
Look, your mum's gonna spew.
57
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,278
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
58
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:43,669
Thank you.
59
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:44,915
- Hello.
- Hello.
60
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,839
- Is it free? Is it free?
- Stop doing that.
61
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,238
- Good morning!
- Hola!
62
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,715
- Oh, hello!
- Great night, last night.
63
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:57,229
- Really enjoyed it.
- Oh, yes.
64
00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:01,678
We wondered if either of you wanted
to come up to the old town with us.
65
00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:06,034
We're all right here, thank you.
66
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:08,720
Well, we were more thinking of Geoff.
67
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,755
There's a great gay scene
in the old town.
68
00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:16,431
No! You see I made a bit of
a mistake last night and I...
69
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:20,155
There's a fabulous chubby chaser night
70
00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,669
at The Man Hole fun pub.
71
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:27,633
Oh, we know you've lost some weight,
but they are very accommodating.
72
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:39,632
For your information,
I am off into the old town tonight.
73
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:42,639
And the reason I'm going is,
I've got a date.
74
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:46,355
But before you ask, it's not with a man.
It's with a woman.
75
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,278
Because for the last time,
76
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,677
I am not gay!
77
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,199
Oh, dear.
78
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,190
Well, I'm no Clement Freud,
79
00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:06,793
but it sounds to me as though
he's still a little bit in denial.
80
00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:13,352
Morning, Geoff.
81
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:17,878
- Here she is, the belle of the ball.
- You disappeared quick last night.
82
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,229
- Don't tell us.
83
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:23,718
You were in a hot, sweaty gay club
till the early hours, top off,
84
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:27,470
punching the air to Kelly Marie
with your new-found gay brethren.
85
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:30,877
Then one last rousing chorus
of I Am What I Am,
86
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:35,517
tottering home along the Levante beach
reeking of Babycham and poppers.
87
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,359
- Look...
- No, he's more subtle than that.
88
00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,040
I think he went back to his apartment,
89
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,039
threw on a little black
off-the-shoulder number
90
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,913
and spent the night miming to
Martine McCutcheon's This is My Moment
91
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,713
into a hair brush, in the mirror.
92
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,513
Look, I am not gay.
93
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,157
- We know you're not.
- Then why me mother thought...
94
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,476
- You what?
- Of course we know you're not gay.
95
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:58,432
It was a laugh, though, wasn't it?
96
00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:00,836
Me mother telling the whole of Neptune's
I was gay
97
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,917
and then singing Y.M.C.A. to me,
98
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:05,759
while you lot dance around her
dressed as the Village People.
99
00:07:05,880 --> 00:07:08,030
Funny bloody sense of humour.
100
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:11,719
Stupid breeder.
101
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,397
I can't believe he didn't know
we were pulling his leg.
102
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:15,919
Pull it? I don't think I could lift it.
103
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,156
Oh, she's on top form today.
104
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:19,550
I, uh...
105
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:23,469
Have you got that extra key I gave you
for your apartment last night?
106
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,432
- Yes.
- Can I have it back?
107
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:26,550
Can't I keep it?
108
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,957
Why, planning on locking yourself out
again tonight?
109
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:32,589
(SIGHING)
110
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,793
Can I help you?
111
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:38,630
Is it not working out
with your new girlfriend?
112
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:41,400
I'm sorry, but I fall to see
what business that is of yours.
113
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:44,353
All right, don't get your knickers
in a twist.
114
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,393
I can see somebody
didn't get any last night.
115
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:51,869
Martin.
116
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:54,831
I think we need to talk.
117
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,718
No, it's no good, Mel.
118
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,751
You're gonna have to tell them
to turn back.
119
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:15,872
Tell them to turn back?
We're nearly there. Look.
120
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,149
Peacock Island.
121
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,396
Mam, Coolio's gone green.
122
00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:21,318
We've all gone green.
123
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:25,070
What the bloody hell are we going
to this Peacock Island for anyway? Eh?
124
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,237
What have they got there
that we haven't got at the apartments?
125
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,431
- They haven't got anything there.
- You what?
126
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,836
All they got on the whole of the island
is one restaurant.
127
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,032
Well, then what the frig
are we going there for?
128
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:37,875
Mam, me nana's been sick again.
129
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:41,670
Believe me, it's the
business opportunity of a lifetime.
130
00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:45,998
Are you all right, princess?
131
00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:48,157
I told you I was no good on boats.
132
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:50,112
If I've seen that liver I had
for me breakfast once,
133
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,231
I've seen it three times now.
134
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:53,680
Oh, mother.
135
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,275
Whoa!
136
00:08:58,480 --> 00:08:59,754
(RETCHING)
137
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,393
Fourth time lucky.
138
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,400
Sorry, Mel.
139
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,794
Por favor, grabe su mensaje
después de la señal.
140
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:21,149
(BEEPING)
141
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:25,798
Uh... Hiya, Lesley. Um, it's Geoff,
142
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:29,515
from the, uh, internet chat room thing.
143
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,399
I know that we were going
to meet tonight,
144
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:34,797
but, well,
I wondered if you was free today?
145
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:37,471
We could get a bit of lunch.
146
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,592
And obviously if you're busy, you know,
147
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,917
I'll just see you tonight, but, um...
148
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:47,193
No, no, you're probably busy.
149
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:48,674
(STAMMERS) I'm busy.
150
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:53,874
Got quite a lot of,
you know, admin shit and stuff.
151
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:55,553
(BEEPING) Um...
152
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:57,950
Shit.
153
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:02,469
Shit. I can't believe it.
You sounded like a right dickhead!
154
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,238
Hi, I'm Geoff.
155
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:18,360
Hi. Geoff.
156
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,832
You must be Lesley?
157
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,798
What? Oh, this hat.
158
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:26,394
It's just something
I picked up in Capri.
159
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,318
Oh, you've never been?
160
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,871
Oh, we must go sometime.
161
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,957
- 3 euros.
- What?
162
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:34,720
Oh, right.
163
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,880
No, you're all right. Thanks.
164
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:39,634
(BEEPING)
165
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:48,755
Come on!
166
00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,078
Muchas gracias, señor.
167
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,555
Ugh...
168
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:21,199
Janice, Papa is talking to you,
wants to know where we're going.
169
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:22,754
I don't know where we're going, do I?
170
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,190
What's the idea of going to the top?
171
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,630
(COOLIO CRYING)
172
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,912
It's like that Alfred Hitchcock film,
isn't it?
173
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:36,750
(YELLS)
174
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,790
Can't believe we've come
all the way here for this.
175
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,911
Planet of the bloody apes.
176
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,680
Believe me, this is the opportunity
of a lifetime.
177
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,234
Ooh, I need a drink.
178
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,715
All I can taste is liver
and hot chocolate.
179
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,878
- Oh, nice.
- Come on, mam, let's get some dinner.
180
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,196
Telle, come on, get Michael, hurry up.
181
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,277
Your nana needs a drink.
182
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,553
What can you see?
183
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,830
Um, not a lot.
184
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,029
Exactly.
185
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:35,638
This is the only undeveloped part
of Benidorm.
186
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,518
What, you want to build a shop here?
187
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:38,994
Not a shop.
188
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,469
An empire.
189
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:45,431
Restaurants, cafés, an aqua park,
maybe a hotel.
190
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,511
Sod Mel's Mobility Shop.
191
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:51,357
What about Mel's Island?
192
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:53,633
Oh, thank God for that.
193
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,114
For a minute there,
I thought you were going to say
194
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,311
something completely ridiculous.
195
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,189
(SIGHING)
196
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,790
Julio. Julio. Julio.
King of the Latin lovers.
197
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,874
What have you got that I haven't got?
198
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,230
How do you do it? I mean...
199
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,352
I know you got the looks,
the money, the fame.
200
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,150
Oh, yeah, that's how you do it.
201
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:26,070
All I need is an ounce
of what you've got, that's all.
202
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,953
I just need a little bit
of you inside me.
203
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,273
(CLEARING THROAT)
204
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:41,755
Hiya.
205
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,510
That sounded bad, didn't it?
206
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,478
Is that all you're giving me?
207
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,069
- You want me to give you more?
- Yeah.
208
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,791
I asked for a large one.
209
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,072
A very large one.
210
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,836
You're sure you can take it?
211
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,229
Try me.
212
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,279
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
213
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,589
Anytime.
214
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,993
(CLICKING TONGUE)
215
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:39,318
Madre mía!
216
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,196
The problem is, Brandy,
I'm finding our time together
217
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,038
on this holiday very confusing.
218
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,754
You're constantly blowing hot and cold.
219
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:56,995
Who are they?
220
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,270
No, I mean I'm getting mixed messages
from you.
221
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,198
We arrive here as friends,
222
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,836
and you're coming on to me very strong,
then you're staying out all night.
223
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:08,510
Martin, have you any Idea
the last time I had sex?
224
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,233
I don't know. What time is it now?
225
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,670
I last had sex in 2006.
226
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:16,840
Well, good for you. I'm glad to hear
that somebody's getting...
227
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:18,920
I beg your pardon?
228
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,269
This is all a front.
229
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,677
I've been doing and saying
stupid things because...
230
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,679
Well, I like you.
231
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,440
And I'm scared. Scared of getting hurt.
232
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,599
So, where did you stay last night?
233
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:33,155
I slept on a sofa, in reception.
234
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,556
- Really?
- Yeah.
235
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,555
Didn't want to come back after all
the hurtful things you said to me.
236
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:41,956
Well, I was a little bit drunk.
237
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:44,636
A bit drunk? You were arseholed.
238
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:50,714
Anyway, I just think, if we can
start being honest with each other,
239
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,229
that this could be the start
of something big.
240
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,636
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
241
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,315
Well, I'll drink to that.
242
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:58,714
(GIGGLING)
243
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:03,030
(SPITTING)
244
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,231
Jesus Christ! What'd you put in there?
245
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:07,317
Sorry. That must be mine.
246
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:09,554
(GIGGLING)
247
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,831
Can't work them two out.
248
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:18,953
What's to work out?
249
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,673
She's a filthy, freeloading slapper
250
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:23,997
taking advantage of a wet,
spineless mother's boy.
251
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:26,515
I mean, I know his wife seemed
a bit of a misery, but...
252
00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:28,790
I can't see what he sees in her.
253
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,275
I believe they're called breasts.
254
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:33,195
Yeah.
255
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:55,270
Why have we come all the way here
for our dinner?
256
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,198
Don't be ungrateful.
It's a nice day out.
257
00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:00,995
Nice day out? I thought me guts were
going to turn inside out on that boat.
258
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,270
Yeah? Funny, you seemed to recover
just as you were offered
259
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,869
a plate of steak and kidney pudding.
260
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,278
Dad, where's Mel?
261
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,796
Mel? Oh, you mean Donald Trump.
262
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,871
He's over there,
looking for the sale of the century.
263
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,954
- Hola.
- Hola.
264
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:20,229
Smoke?
265
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:23,034
Oh, gracias señor.
266
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:32,155
Excuse me, señor, I was wondering
if I could pick your brains.
267
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:33,270
Brains?
268
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,277
Do you know who the island belongs to?
269
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:36,356
Sí.
270
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:37,436
Who?
271
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,039
Is, island.
272
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,955
No, I need to know
who the island belongs to.
273
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,754
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
274
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,435
Slowly.
275
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:50,356
Me, build shops,
276
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,677
mall, restaurants, maybe hotel, here.
277
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:55,235
Build?
278
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:56,350
Aqui?
279
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,118
- Here?
- Yes, here.
280
00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:00,153
Is no posible.
281
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,474
But why is no posible?
282
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,796
Who does the island belong to?
283
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:09,749
The island, it belong to the Dovez.
284
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:10,996
The Dovez?
285
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,633
Sí.
286
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,398
Who is the Dovez?
287
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:19,993
You want permiso... Permission to build?
288
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:21,076
Yes.
289
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,474
Is no posible.
290
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:26,958
Yes, I understand, but who is the Dovez,
the boss, the owner?
291
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,357
Peacock Island belong to the Dovez.
292
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:32,794
Right, I see.
293
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,273
It's not what you know,
it's who you know.
294
00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,593
Sí.
295
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,519
Oh, uh, could I have one of
my cigarettes?
296
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:46,916
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
297
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,150
Yeah, I thought you'd say that.
298
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,033
Not bad, that, as it goes.
299
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,639
Pass us the menu.
Are there any puddings?
300
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:05,071
Right, have you lot finished?
The next boat goes back in five minutes.
301
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:08,556
- Mel, me dad said you did a trump.
- You what?
302
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,593
I said he was Donald Trump,
you silly bugger.
303
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:12,995
Very funny.
304
00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:16,033
Right, come on, let's be having you.
I've got to get back to Benidorm.
305
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,436
Need to see a man about an island.
306
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:20,153
What, no pudding?
307
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,478
Pudding were included.
308
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:32,638
Oh, Mick, look!
309
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:33,795
No!
310
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:36,513
- Hey, look.
- Oh, yeah.
311
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:39,075
Oh, lovely, look. Hey, I like that.
312
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,350
I look as sick as a parrot.
313
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,718
Hiya, Lesley, it's Geoff.
314
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:49,311
Um, I'm not sure what happened to you
at the auditorium.
315
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,636
I waited a couple of hours,
316
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:56,038
but you may have been held up in traffic
or something else came up.
317
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:59,154
Um, I've sort of wandered
into the old town,
318
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,113
where we were originally
going to meet tonight.
319
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:04,880
Um, so I might just stay here.
320
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:09,069
You know, we were meeting at 8:00
321
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:12,238
and it's already 2:30 now,
322
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:17,594
so let me know if you get here early,
for tonight, I mean.
323
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,034
It's Geoff, by the way. I don't know
if I said that at the start of the...
324
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:22,195
(BEEPING)
325
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:23,469
Geoff?
326
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,236
Geoff, great to see you!
327
00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:27,475
Hola!
328
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,479
Hiya. You all right?
329
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,796
I thought you weren't meant to be here
until tonight.
330
00:21:31,920 --> 00:21:36,756
Yeah, I thought, you know, I'd stretch
me legs for five or six hours first.
331
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,279
Oh, smashing.
332
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:40,552
You could come with us.
333
00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:42,591
We're off to the Rich Bitch.
334
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,917
It's a fabulous drag bar
just round the corner.
335
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:47,356
Drag bar?
336
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,518
Yeah, you know, men dressed as women.
337
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:53,359
Yes, we've never been into
the tranny scene much,
338
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,711
but a friend of ours, Big Donna
from our swinger's association,
339
00:21:56,840 --> 00:21:58,558
she put us in touch.
340
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,591
It is invitation-only this afternoon,
341
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,838
but I'm sure they could
squeeze you in somewhere.
342
00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:05,394
(GRUNTING)
343
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:08,076
Aw!
344
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:09,998
Maybe catch you later!
345
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:11,995
Hmm.
346
00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:19,438
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
347
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:27,473
Grande beer por favor.
348
00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,595
That's 2 euros, please, darling.
349
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:51,719
Hola, guapa.
350
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:54,400
Mine's a large one, if you're buying.
351
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:10,479
What are they talking about?
352
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,796
- Who?
- Me dad and Mel.
353
00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,355
I don't know.
Something to do with Mel's business.
354
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:18,836
Will you keep your nose out? We don't
want you meddling in Mel's affairs.
355
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,598
Oh? Mel having an affair?
356
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,280
Business affairs. You know what I mean.
357
00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,916
Well, he does have a history
of shagging around.
358
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,510
What about that woman
he had a fling with last year?
359
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:30,869
The one in the wheelchair?
360
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,038
Don't be disgusting.
You know that was a misunderstanding.
361
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,197
Mel only fancy
women in wheelchairs?
362
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:39,950
Apparently, once you get your
metal wings, there's no turning back.
363
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:41,434
What is she talking about?
364
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:42,789
I have no idea.
365
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:44,513
Well, then tell her to shut up.
366
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:46,153
Telle, shut up.
367
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,438
You're too forward, you are.
368
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,073
Better then being backward, like you.
369
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:52,679
There's no wonder you're not married.
370
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:53,949
I don't wanna get married.
371
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:55,878
Just as well. Nobody'd have you.
372
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,719
Mother, can we leave it, please?
373
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:01,474
Thank you.
374
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,554
You've got no role models.
That's your problem.
375
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:12,275
We had people like Vera Lynn
and Doris Day to look up to.
376
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:14,909
Who've they got these days?
Amy Whitehouse?
377
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:19,318
And celebrities on TV reality shows
fiddling with pigs.
378
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,396
Mother, what have I just said?
379
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,039
For God's sake!
380
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:25,230
Yeah, shut up.
381
00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:26,919
Oh, you shut up!
382
00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:34,515
Janice, tell her.
She's putting her finger up at me.
383
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:35,630
No, I'm not.
384
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:38,400
Right, that's it I've had enough.
385
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:47,390
What's wrong with her?
386
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:48,919
I don't know.
387
00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:50,918
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)
388
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:57,357
And it's not just me mam
that doesn't understand me.
389
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:01,514
I know you won't believe this,
but I haven't got many friends.
390
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:06,194
Well, I have got one mate who
I drink with, he's called Eric.
391
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:08,917
Think he must be in his 80s.
392
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,476
He's a war hero,
but he doesn't like talking about it.
393
00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:16,116
He's every night at the pub,
394
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,158
we have a few pints,
I tell him all me troubles.
395
00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:23,155
He doesn't often say
much back to me, but...
396
00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:26,079
You know, he's from
a different generation.
397
00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:32,277
I sometimes think if he hadn't lost
his legs at Dunkirk,
398
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:35,233
that he'd just get up
and walk away from me.
399
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,229
But I don't suppose I'll ever know.
400
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:39,716
Another beer?
401
00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:43,310
No, no, I'd best go, clear me head.
402
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:47,515
I... I've got a blind date tonight,
well, not completely blind.
403
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,359
I mean, we've texted each other.
404
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,640
Any rate, you take care.
405
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:59,236
And don't forget, never give up hope.
406
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:03,990
Who knows? The right girl might just
come along for you.
407
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:05,395
Thanks.
408
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:09,040
No problem.
409
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,357
Oh, hello.
Just come down from your parachute?
410
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:24,118
De nada.
411
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:26,195
Hiya.
412
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:27,716
MmMmm.
413
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:28,830
Hola.
414
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,156
I wondered if you can do me a favour.
415
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:32,509
Anything.
416
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:34,194
I've got a friend staying here,
417
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:37,073
and I want to leave her something
in her room as a surprise.
418
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:39,794
Is there any way I can get into her room
without asking for her key?
419
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:42,673
If you give the present to me,
I can deliver for you.
420
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,757
I have a pass key
that fits all the rooms.
421
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:47,076
Yeah, thought you might have.
422
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:50,915
What if you give me that pass key,
and I can do it meself?
423
00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:52,799
Is not possible.
424
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:56,835
What about if I meet you later on,
and we do it together?
425
00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,355
You want to do it... with me?
426
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:03,675
Oh, yeah. I want to do it with you.
427
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:08,915
What about your boyfriend?
428
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:16,834
Him? I don't think he'd be all for it.
He's a bit straight like that.
429
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,191
No. I mean, what if he finds out we...
430
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,239
did it together?
431
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,870
Well, we'll just have to make sure
he doesn't, won't we?
432
00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:34,034
(SLURPING)
433
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,360
So what you're saying is, if you find
this fellow who owns the island...
434
00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:44,470
Dovez.
435
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,637
...you think you can convince him
to let you build on it.
436
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:47,875
Exactly.
437
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,150
Only problem is, where to start looking?
438
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:54,239
I made a few enquiries, but
the place is full of bloody tourists.
439
00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:55,839
Yeah, funny that, isn't it?
440
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:57,917
- Excuse me.
- Yes, love?
441
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:00,793
That barman who serves behind here,
do you know where he's from?
442
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:02,593
Eh, I think he's Spanish.
443
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:03,676
(EXHALING)
444
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,838
You know what? The tan, the dark hair,
the Spanish accent,
445
00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:08,519
I think she might be
on to something there.
446
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:10,597
I meant, where in Spain.
447
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:12,594
Haven't got a clue.
448
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:15,599
Why don't you ask him yourself? Mateo!
449
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:19,795
Right, I think I see my gorgeous wife
over there having a beer on her own,
450
00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:22,878
so I'll leave you three
to your Mensa meeting.
451
00:28:23,280 --> 00:28:24,509
Can I help you, boss?
452
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:26,392
I need to find a man.
453
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:28,230
A man?
454
00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:30,431
Yeah. A local man.
455
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:37,874
There are a few gay bars
in the old town.
456
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:39,320
I could take you
maybe later in the week?
457
00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:41,909
Not that sort of man. I'm looking...
458
00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:49,359
I'm looking for a local businessman,
goes by the name of the Dovez.
459
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:51,600
The Dovez?
460
00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:53,995
No.
461
00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:55,914
Never heard of this man.
462
00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:57,474
Are you sure?
463
00:28:57,920 --> 00:28:59,558
You don't know anyone connected
with land or property
464
00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:01,910
in Benidorm goes by that name?
465
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:04,634
- Sorry, boss.
- Aye, all right.
466
00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:06,877
Well, ask around for me.
467
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:12,233
A few euros in it for you,
if you find him.
468
00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:14,518
Sure thing, boss.
469
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:17,155
(WHISPERING) Dovez.
470
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:19,237
Boss!
471
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:24,190
Boss!
472
00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:27,715
I think I know who you mean,
Antonio Dovez.
473
00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:30,434
He's a powerful man,
much property and land in Benidorm.
474
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:34,076
Oh, now we're getting somewhere.
So, where will I find him?
475
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,760
You say there would be
a few euros for me?
476
00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:39,474
Yeah, well, I'll stand you
a couple of drinks.
477
00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:42,752
You're offering to buy me a couple
of drinks in an all-inclusive resort.
478
00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:46,589
All right, 20 euros.
Where can I find Antonio Dovez?
479
00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:51,073
20 euros? Hmm, my memory's not so good.
480
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:52,998
- 50 euros.
- 100 euros.
481
00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:54,713
- Piss off.
482
00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:57,555
Hang on, hang on. Come back here.
483
00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:02,519
All right, 100 euros. For that price,
I want you to take me directly to him.
484
00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:06,759
For 100 euros, I will bring him to you.
Tonight, 9:00 in Neptune's.
485
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:08,359
9:00, Neptune's.
486
00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:10,676
Hey, hey, hey. The 100 euros.
487
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:13,953
When I see the Dovez,
you see the 100 euros.
488
00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:15,430
Done!
489
00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:17,233
Yeah, I have been.
490
00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:29,237
Hey! Hey!
491
00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:31,194
- What?
- Hey!
492
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:33,433
Uh, sorry.
493
00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:37,479
I must have fallen asleep.
494
00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:39,154
(BEEPING)
495
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:48,595
Shit!
496
00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:52,357
Excusez-mol s'il vous plait,
Plaza del Castell?
497
00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:54,871
Plaza del Castell, a la derecha.
498
00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:56,595
Cheers.
499
00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:21,632
Good evening, sir. May I help you?
500
00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:25,800
Hiya. I'm sorry.
I'm supposed to meet someone here.
501
00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:27,556
Name?
502
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:29,717
The Oracle. I mean, Geoff.
503
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:32,674
I mean... I mean, Lesley.
504
00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:35,118
Is this a group booking?
505
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:38,949
Lesley, it'll be under the name Lesley.
Two people.
506
00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:42,278
This way, please, sir.
507
00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:54,676
A drink while you wait, sir?
508
00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:56,958
Pint of lager, please.
509
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:58,793
But of course, sir.
510
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:04,918
(SNIFFING)
511
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:10,954
Come on, Geoff, don't mess this one up.
512
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:14,799
You never know. She could be the one.
513
00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:17,789
(CLICKING FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
514
00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:22,116
Hello. You must be Geoff.
515
00:32:28,840 --> 00:32:30,194
I'm Lesley.
516
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:42,309
Yeah, I'm sorry about earlier on,
but, uh, I had a flat tyre.
517
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:46,519
I'd done me own servicing and I'd
forgotten to grease me wheel nuts.
518
00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:50,278
So I've been on me hands and knees
all afternoon.
519
00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:56,079
- Nice here, mind, isn't it?
- Lovely.
520
00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:57,679
Yeah, when I first came to Benidorm,
521
00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:00,110
I thought it was all English breakfasts
and karaoke,
522
00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:02,151
but you'd be surprised.
523
00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:03,959
I have been.
524
00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:07,638
Now then, before we go any further,
525
00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:09,558
there's something I want
to tell you, Geoff.
526
00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:10,670
Okay.
527
00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:14,031
We chatted on-line a lot
yesterday, and, well,
528
00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,879
there was one thing
I wasn't completely truthful about.
529
00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:18,434
- Really?
- Yeah.
530
00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:19,835
I want to get it out of the way now.
531
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:22,839
I mean, we don't want
an elephant in the room, so to speak.
532
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:24,837
No, wouldn't want that.
533
00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:29,034
No. But I've got a sneaking suspicion
you know what I'm going to say.
534
00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:30,798
Might have crossed me mind.
535
00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:32,115
Geoff...
536
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:36,554
I'm not 35.
537
00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:38,874
- Really?
538
00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:41,389
I wasn't 100% honest with you
on that score.
539
00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:42,476
Right.
540
00:33:42,600 --> 00:33:44,273
I mean, I've been nervous
about telling you that
541
00:33:44,400 --> 00:33:47,119
but, well, you haven't
done a runner yet.
542
00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:48,196
I can't move.
543
00:33:48,320 --> 00:33:51,551
Well, I must say,
that's a weight off me shoulders.
544
00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:55,594
Mind you, in saying that, I might be
in me 40s but I'm not dead yet.
545
00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:58,712
As me old grandma said as
they were trying to zip up the bodybag.
546
00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:00,114
(LAUGHING)
547
00:34:02,320 --> 00:34:04,709
Uh, do you know what?
I don't know what it is,
548
00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:08,276
but I feel very relaxed with you, Geoff.
549
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:11,793
Some men give me the creeps.
You know what I mean?
550
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:12,910
Absolutely.
551
00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:17,511
But with you, well,
I just feel I can let me hair down.
552
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:22,910
- Eh, you any good at massage?
- No.
553
00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:25,316
Oh, I done a course
just a couple of years back.
554
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:27,875
Uh, are you familiar with Shiatsu?
555
00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:29,995
Aye, I've just done one.
556
00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:33,158
Well, it's a finger-pressure
massage technique.
557
00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:35,710
It releases toxins from the body.
558
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:38,958
I know that sounds a bit technical,
but at the end of the day,
559
00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:42,357
all it involves is one person lying
face down on the bed
560
00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:45,233
while the other one
gives him a good poke.
561
00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:48,710
You think you'll be up for that?
562
00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:50,675
Sir?
563
00:34:53,640 --> 00:34:55,039
Madamoiselle?
564
00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:56,709
Champion!
565
00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:01,680
Now, I usually have two starters here
'cause they're only small.
566
00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:06,276
# Sex bomb, sex bomb
567
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,277
# You're my sex bomb
568
00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:10,869
# And, baby, you can turn me on
569
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:15,593
# You can give me more and more
counting up the score
570
00:35:15,720 --> 00:35:16,676
# Yeah
571
00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:19,713
# You turn me upside down
and inside out
572
00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:23,160
# Make me feel the real deal
573
00:35:23,280 --> 00:35:24,236
# Uh-huh
574
00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:28,194
# And I can give it to you anytime
because you're mine #
575
00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:30,714
You not hungry, mam?
576
00:35:30,840 --> 00:35:32,478
I can't believe it.
577
00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:33,635
What?
578
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:35,080
Tom Jones!
579
00:35:36,240 --> 00:35:37,992
Oh, aye, he's good, isn't he?
580
00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:40,236
# Sex bomb, sex bomb
581
00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:42,317
# You're my sex bomb #
582
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:44,477
Doesn't seem to have aged.
583
00:35:45,160 --> 00:35:47,197
She has got to be joking.
584
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:51,112
Mam, you do know that's not Tom Jones,
don't you?
585
00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:53,835
What do you mean, it's not Tom Jones?
586
00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:56,952
Well, what she means is,
it's not Tom Jones!
587
00:35:57,080 --> 00:35:58,673
No need to shout!
588
00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:02,120
Mam, that's the fella
that was on last night.
589
00:36:02,240 --> 00:36:05,835
Do you remember when Mick
asked him to sing a song for me?
590
00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:08,276
You wouldn't believe
they could afford Tom Jones
591
00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:10,676
in a place like this, would you?
592
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:12,757
I think she's on crack.
593
00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,632
# And, baby, you can turn me on #
594
00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:19,237
Oh, oh, yes!
595
00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:21,757
Yes! Yes!
596
00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:27,873
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
597
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:29,877
It's a great pleasure
to be here at Neptune's.
598
00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:32,389
Here's another classic
from the man himself,
599
00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:34,750
The Green, Green Grass of Home.
600
00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:45,832
# The old home town looks the same #
601
00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:48,793
Not Tom Jones!
602
00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:53,956
I suppose the fact that he's got a Welsh
accent is just a coincidence as well.
603
00:36:55,920 --> 00:36:57,194
(LAUGHING)
604
00:36:57,560 --> 00:36:59,392
Hell! It's Will Smith!
605
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:00,794
(LAUGHING)
606
00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:03,674
What have you got changed for?
I thought you'd gone to the bar.
607
00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:06,553
Where's Tommy Lee Jones?
He's not been eaten by an alien, has he?
608
00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:09,069
I've got a very important
business meeting.
609
00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:11,760
You haven't seen that greasy barman,
have you?
610
00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:14,076
Can you narrow it down a bit?
611
00:37:15,960 --> 00:37:17,712
You all right, Madge?
612
00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:25,958
Cheer up!
It might never happen.
613
00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:35,836
Yes!
614
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:37,917
Sorry! Oh! Oh!
615
00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:39,189
- Oh, shit.
- Not yet!
616
00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:41,038
Oh, no, no, no.
617
00:37:41,720 --> 00:37:43,472
I mean, I have to go.
618
00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:46,399
What do you think you're doing?
619
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:48,318
I'm sorry. I have an important meeting.
620
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:50,431
At this time? Well...
621
00:37:51,240 --> 00:37:52,719
What about me?
622
00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:54,519
Maybe we can finish this
another time, huh?
623
00:37:54,640 --> 00:37:56,153
Oh, fat chance.
624
00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:58,078
Hostia!
625
00:37:58,400 --> 00:37:59,356
What's wrong?
626
00:37:59,480 --> 00:38:01,517
Joder! I lost my pass key.
627
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:05,840
If you find it,
can you bring it to me tomorrow?
628
00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:07,553
Yeah, of course.
629
00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:09,030
Okay.
630
00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:12,557
Close the door on your way out.
631
00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:14,830
(WHISPERING) You're very hot.
632
00:38:41,720 --> 00:38:43,438
What's your meat like?
633
00:38:43,560 --> 00:38:46,120
- I beg your pardon?
- Your steak.
634
00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:48,194
Oh, yeah.
635
00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:50,430
It's all right.
636
00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:52,437
You did right going for well-done.
637
00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:55,359
Ask for it rare, and they pull
the horns out, wipe its arse over here.
638
00:38:55,480 --> 00:38:56,834
(CHUCKLING)
639
00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:02,792
So, how long you been married, then?
640
00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:05,514
- Married?
- A-ha! I'm just testing.
641
00:39:06,240 --> 00:39:08,709
I do attract a lot of married men
for some reason.
642
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:10,035
Really?
643
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:12,237
I mean, really?
644
00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:15,671
Oh, yeah. Don't know what it is.
They're like moths to a flame, man.
645
00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:18,758
I suppose I do have a certain
unattainable quality.
646
00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:20,632
That's good to know.
647
00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:24,269
Well, how long have you been single?
648
00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:27,957
Well, I'm on a kind of break
from somebody.
649
00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:30,993
But I think they want
to get back with me.
650
00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:32,556
Quite a lot.
651
00:39:32,680 --> 00:39:34,432
- But you're not interested.
- Well..
652
00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:37,154
- You've moved on.
- Not really.
653
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:39,510
Or else, why would you be here?
654
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:41,590
Oh, yeah.
655
00:39:41,720 --> 00:39:43,791
Yeah, I've been single for a while now.
656
00:39:43,920 --> 00:39:45,911
Been living on me own for nearly a year.
657
00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:46,996
Right.
658
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:50,078
It's funny, but when I'm single
I don't really miss the sex.
659
00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:51,349
Do you?
660
00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:53,113
Definitely not.
661
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:55,072
Not interested in it at all.
662
00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:58,158
No. There's lots
of other things in life, aren't there?
663
00:39:58,280 --> 00:39:59,429
Loads.
664
00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:02,638
Loads of other things.
665
00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:06,230
I mean, don't get me wrong. I've had
some fantastic wild sex over the years.
666
00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:09,034
But you know the one thing I'm missing?
667
00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:10,510
No?
668
00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:11,914
The craic.
669
00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:16,198
You know, bit of banter with somebody
at the end of the day.
670
00:40:16,320 --> 00:40:19,870
I've got a small chihuahua,
but it's hardly the same, is it?
671
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:21,638
DONALD: Hi, Geoff!
672
00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:24,317
Lovely night!
673
00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:27,954
(GIGGLING)
674
00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:32,392
Friends of yours?
675
00:40:32,800 --> 00:40:34,279
I need to go to the toilet.
676
00:40:34,400 --> 00:40:36,437
Yeah, you look a bit piggy.
677
00:40:36,920 --> 00:40:38,672
See you in a minute.
678
00:40:49,360 --> 00:40:51,954
# The night grows cold
679
00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:54,674
# My search for gold
680
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:57,952
# Is leading nowhere #
681
00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:01,395
Where've you been?
682
00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:03,670
Told you. Went to the toilet.
683
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:05,797
That was nearly an hour ago.
684
00:41:05,920 --> 00:41:07,513
- Martin...
- What?
685
00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:09,240
I think I'm in love.
686
00:41:09,360 --> 00:41:10,759
- In love?
- Yeah.
687
00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:12,109
Who with?
688
00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:14,278
Who do you think?
689
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:34,109
Señor Harvey...
690
00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:36,193
How do you do, sir?
691
00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:41,438
(MOUTHING)
692
00:41:56,040 --> 00:41:57,678
Gracias.
693
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:02,709
So, you're the man they call the Dovez?
694
00:42:03,040 --> 00:42:04,075
No.
695
00:42:04,480 --> 00:42:05,436
You what?
696
00:42:05,560 --> 00:42:08,120
My name is Antonio Dovez.
What can I do for you?
697
00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:12,199
Right, but you have a lot of interests
in property, land and the like?
698
00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:14,550
I co-own the sister Hotel to the Solana,
699
00:42:14,680 --> 00:42:16,990
I have a number of villas
in and around Benidorm,
700
00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:19,509
and some land in Calle Fiesta.
701
00:42:19,640 --> 00:42:22,280
I was told you are
a businessman, señor Harvey.
702
00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:25,472
I do not wish to be rude,
but I'm a very busy man.
703
00:42:25,600 --> 00:42:27,079
Peacock Island.
704
00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:28,754
What about it?
705
00:42:29,400 --> 00:42:30,834
I've been there today.
706
00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:32,439
What do you want, a round of applause?
707
00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:34,836
No, I mean, I want to build
on Peacock Island.
708
00:42:34,960 --> 00:42:35,916
But you can't.
709
00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:37,997
That's right. Because you own it.
710
00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:39,758
- No.
- You what?
711
00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:42,156
No, I do not own Peacock Island.
712
00:42:42,280 --> 00:42:43,475
But I was told you did.
713
00:42:43,600 --> 00:42:45,193
Well, then you were misinformed.
714
00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:46,993
Hang on a minute. Let me get this right.
715
00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:50,317
Your name is Dovez,
and you don't own Peacock Island?
716
00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:51,919
- Correct.
- So, who does own it?
717
00:42:52,040 --> 00:42:54,680
Nobody owns it. It is a nature reserve.
718
00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:58,630
A man on the island told me
it was owned by the Dovez.
719
00:42:58,760 --> 00:43:02,390
I can assure you, señor Harvey,
he was not referring to me.
720
00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:04,393
That just doesn't make sense.
721
00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:07,911
For heaven's sake,
Peacock Island is protected.
722
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:10,509
You cannot build there
because it would disturb the wildlife.
723
00:43:10,640 --> 00:43:11,675
The wildlife?
724
00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:13,074
Yes, mainly the birds.
725
00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:14,793
Mainly the birds!
726
00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:18,839
The white birds.
727
00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:21,919
Dovez.
728
00:43:23,240 --> 00:43:24,389
Doves!
729
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:27,712
Oh, my God!
730
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:30,996
I'm sorry. I've heard enough.
731
00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:43,432
Where's my 100 euros?
732
00:43:43,680 --> 00:43:45,557
- What?
- My 100 euros, I want it back.
733
00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:47,796
Bloody dunce,
he was talking about the birds.
734
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:49,399
- Excuse me.
- Birds.
735
00:43:49,520 --> 00:43:50,954
- What birds?
- The white birds on the island.
736
00:43:51,080 --> 00:43:53,151
And they weren't even doves,
they were bloody seagulls.
737
00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:55,476
I don't know what you're talking about.
What are you talking about?
738
00:43:55,600 --> 00:43:57,318
I want my money back!
Give me my bloody money back!
739
00:43:57,440 --> 00:43:59,113
Oh, go away. You don't scare me.
740
00:43:59,240 --> 00:44:01,436
- Do you mind? I'm trying to get...
- Hey, get your hand out...
741
00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:03,517
Hey, hey! Get your hand out!
742
00:44:03,640 --> 00:44:06,234
# Something's wrong #
743
00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:07,839
Well, don't just sit there.
744
00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:13,034
# Another dawn, another boy
745
00:44:13,200 --> 00:44:16,318
# A boy from nowhere
746
00:44:18,720 --> 00:44:23,635
# There has to be a place for me
747
00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:27,392
# And I must go there #
748
00:44:28,560 --> 00:44:29,959
Get him out!
749
00:44:30,640 --> 00:44:33,075
Yeah, come on, then! Come on, then!
750
00:44:47,920 --> 00:44:50,434
I'm afraid we really must close now.
751
00:44:51,240 --> 00:44:54,278
Perhaps your friend had
some kind of emergency.
752
00:44:54,600 --> 00:44:56,637
Yeah, that was probably it.
753
00:44:59,560 --> 00:45:01,836
That really won't be necessary.
754
00:45:02,720 --> 00:45:04,518
You're a very kind man.
755
00:45:11,320 --> 00:45:12,549
I um...
756
00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:17,795
I don't suppose you fancy
coming back to my place, do you?
757
00:45:25,240 --> 00:45:26,799
Yeah, all right.
758
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:28,070
Good.
759
00:45:29,920 --> 00:45:31,194
What'll it be?
760
00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:32,799
To Madge.
761
00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:34,718
To Madge? No problem.
762
00:45:34,840 --> 00:45:38,117
I once saw you in Blackpool in 1958.
763
00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:39,954
Oh, did you?
56038
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