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1
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,113
Oh, it's busy this morning.
2
00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:37,232
Yes, they must be giving out
free scratch cards with every breakfast.
3
00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:40,716
Good morning, boys.
Don't forget, coach trip today.
4
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:41,796
Oh, yeah!
5
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,878
Bring your trunks.
We're just off to get ours.
6
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:47,075
Oh. Do you fancy that?
7
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:51,194
Hmm. Seeing Donald and Jacqueline
cavorting in their Speedos.
8
00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:52,799
What's the alternative?
9
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,480
Being shot between the eyes
with a rusty air rifle.
10
00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:58,160
Oh! No contest. Pull the trigger.
11
00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:14,311
Are you sure you don't want anything
more than that, son?
12
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,477
No. That was lovely.
13
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,229
I mean, don't get me wrong,
14
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,874
I think you've done brilliant
with your dieting.
15
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,752
But let's be honest,
16
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,872
if you turn sideways now,
you'd be marked absent.
17
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,038
You're joking!
I've got another two stone to go.
18
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:31,958
Another two stone!
19
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,754
You'll have to hollow out your legs,
there's nothing on you.
20
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:40,080
Your Uncle Francis said
your dad had an elastic band fitted.
21
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,999
Like that Fearne Cotton off the telly.
22
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:47,911
But I told him, "It's a will of iron
that boy's used to get his weight down
23
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:49,838
"and nothing more."
24
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:51,314
Don't you mean Fern Britton?
25
00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:55,991
Now, are you coming with me
to the waterfalls of Agadoo?
26
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,352
The waterfalls of Algar!
27
00:01:58,480 --> 00:01:59,470
That's it.
28
00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:02,911
No. I've got a bit of business
to sort out in the old town.
29
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:05,190
- Do you want me to come?
- No!
30
00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,199
I've got to see an hombre about a perro.
31
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,391
Oh! Right.
32
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:13,912
Hey, you never know.
33
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:17,635
That what's-her-name
might be coming to the waterfalls.
34
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:19,910
- Telle.
- I'm not interested.
35
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,873
You are! You had a date with her.
36
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,991
We're just friends.
37
00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:28,829
Well, its about time
you got yourself a nice girlfriend.
38
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:30,758
Mother, will you leave it?
39
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,952
What happened to that girl
with the funny lip
40
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:37,390
you met on that YTS scheme?
41
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:39,158
Was her name Cheryl?
42
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:43,035
I can't remember.
It's a good few years ago.
43
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:45,197
I haven't got time
for girls right now, all right?
44
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:49,075
Haven't got time for girls?
A good-looking lad like you?
45
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:52,636
What about that lass off the internet
you were talking to?
46
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:56,071
- Mother, can we just drop the subject?
- I told you
47
00:02:56,520 --> 00:03:00,400
I'd lend you the money to go to Brazil
but you didn't seem keen.
48
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:01,874
Look,
49
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:06,312
how many times do I have to tell you?
I'm just not interested!
50
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,476
(LAUGHING) Not interested in girls?
51
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,549
What are you interested in then?
52
00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,000
(CHUCKLING)
53
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,151
Right, mother, what's going on today?
54
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:27,476
Are you coming with us on this trip
or are you staying here?
55
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:29,477
I'm not going
anywhere I can't take me chair.
56
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,035
I'm on me holidays,
I shouldn't have to walk around.
57
00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:35,676
Come on! Look at that.
There's two waterfalls,
58
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,758
a diving area
and a natural swimming pool.
59
00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,917
You joking?
She ain't gonna come with us.
60
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:41,996
All that water?
61
00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,430
She'd be frightened if somebody throws
a bar of Imperial Leather at her
62
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:45,959
and she'll have to get a wash.
63
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,038
Well, you're not going anywhere,
you've got to work for Mel.
64
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,549
Madge, it may have escaped your notice
65
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:55,469
but Mel's Mobility Boutique tragically
burned to the ground last night,
66
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:59,355
thus rendering me sadly unemployed.
67
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,433
He'll still need you to clear things up.
68
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,517
He can't be expected to do that
on his own.
69
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,199
You think I'm spending the day
shovelling shit
70
00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,311
in a burnt-out shop
when its 80 degrees out here,
71
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,272
you can kiss my arse!
72
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:10,915
MADGE: Same to you!
73
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:13,998
There's no wonder the kids of today
are sticking knives in each other,
74
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,556
high as a kite on drugs when their
parents are using language like that.
75
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:20,149
If we kiss your arse, it won't be
just the kids high as a kite.
76
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,430
Can we have a bit less talk of arses
77
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,358
when I'm trying to eat
me sausage, please?
78
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:27,199
Anyway, Mel's got that Spanish lad
working for him. What's his name?
79
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:28,310
Paco.
80
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:30,750
Enough said.
Let Paco earn his three euros an hour.
81
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:34,635
I am going swimming
with my beautiful wife.
82
00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:36,398
Oh, aye. What are you after?
83
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:39,592
You know what he's after.
He's always been the same.
84
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:43,156
Oh, dear, do I detect
a tinge of jealousy? Hmm?
85
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,554
After a full year of marriage,
86
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,194
have you and Mel not yet
done the deed of darkness?
87
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:50,153
The deed of what?
What's he talking about?
88
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:52,556
- The beast with two backs.
- Oh, shut up!
89
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,035
"Beast with two backs"?
What's that when it's at home?
90
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:58,391
Has he stormed the trenches? Eh?
Hidden the hot dog?
91
00:04:58,520 --> 00:04:59,635
(LAUGHING)
92
00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:02,832
Have you both turned the lights out
and done the hokey-cokey?
93
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,634
Oh right, I see what you mean.
94
00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:09,469
No, not yet.
I don't think he's interested.
95
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:13,639
I must admit, your father
was very talented in that department.
96
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,709
I remember when he first took me
up the pleasure beach
97
00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:18,638
and showed me his American Smooth.
98
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,115
Oh, she thinks you're
talking about dancing.
99
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:22,958
Oh. What are you talking about?
100
00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:26,835
Right. I'm going up the road
to see how they're getting on.
101
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,030
How Mel's getting on.
102
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,719
You've not finished your breakfast.
103
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:32,434
- It's black pudding.
- Pass it over.
104
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,312
See you later.
Keep an eye on Coolio, will you?
105
00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:36,590
- Yeah.
- Back here by 11:00.
106
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,199
What's she going over there for?
107
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,711
I think she's after
a different type of black pudding.
108
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:08,312
You know I'm holding you responsible
for all this, don't you?
109
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,239
Señor Harvey, I tell you
the lights are too much.
110
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:13,397
It had nothing to do with the lights.
It was the bloody wiring!
111
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:14,999
It was like Spaghetti Junction in there.
112
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,679
No wonder we went up in flames.
113
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,599
Señor Harvey,
I need to talk to you about money.
114
00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,519
Oh, don't worry about me,
everything was insured.
115
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,119
When you've been in business
as long as I have,
116
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,117
you always keep one step ahead.
117
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:28,516
No. I mean money for me.
118
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,478
Two weeks I have now been working
for you, and nothing.
119
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:33,749
Money for you?
120
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,998
You burn my business to the ground
and you ask me for money?
121
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,350
I told you when you started,
you're on a month's trial.
122
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:43,439
Going by this lot, you're lucky
not to have been arrested for arson.
123
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:45,870
Hiya.
124
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,399
Well, hello, darling. You all right?
125
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:48,590
Yeah.
126
00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,996
- Hola.
- Hola.
127
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,910
Are you coming on this trip
to the waterfalls?
128
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,519
Well, there's not much more
we can do here.
129
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,029
May as well make the most of the sun.
130
00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:01,118
I don't suppose Paco could come,
could he?
131
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,234
Who's Paco?
132
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,557
Oh, him? That his name?
133
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,437
Oh, not really, darling.
He's got work here to do.
134
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,634
Oh. Okay.
135
00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:17,273
Oh, right! I see what you mean.
136
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:19,874
Oi, Face-Ache.
137
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,834
Get that shop locked up and be over
at the Solana in 10 minutes.
138
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:24,234
You're coming on a trip.
139
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,874
- Señor Harvey, I have to...
- Pronto!
140
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:29,920
(WHISPERING) Thanks, Mel.
141
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:37,954
(SNORING)
142
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,912
Oh, morning.
Think we've missed breakfast.
143
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,395
(SCOFFS) I don't think
I could keep nothing down.
144
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,272
Me guts are doing somersaults.
145
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:56,356
(GROANS)
146
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,950
- You all right?
- Mmm.
147
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:00,991
Not the most comfortable bed
in the world.
148
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,794
You could always sleep with me
in the double bed.
149
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:04,910
I do trust you, Martin.
150
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,749
- Well, I wouldn't want to...
- Mind you, I wouldn't recommend it.
151
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:10,791
I don't know if it's the food,
but I've had shocking wind
152
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:12,319
ever since I got here!
153
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:18,918
I suppose we could share the bed.
I mean, we're both responsible adults...
154
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,235
(BRANDY FARTING)
155
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,954
Sorry, Martin, what did you say?
156
00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:25,071
Nothing. It's all right.
157
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,592
Just because he's not found
the right girl doesn't mean he's gay.
158
00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,518
That's what they said about Liberace.
159
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,631
Excuse me, I need to clear these tables.
160
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,956
- Yes, we've nearly finished.
- Oh, go away!
161
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:46,199
But he's never had a proper girlfriend.
Not one.
162
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,072
He might be just a late starter.
163
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:52,114
Now that's true,
or he might be just a big fat homo.
164
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:56,359
I mean, everybody thought
that barman was normal
165
00:08:56,480 --> 00:09:01,998
but I heard he was once caught rolling
around behind that bar with a fella.
166
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:07,193
- So, you never can tell.
- I think it's time to find a sunbed.
167
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:15,435
- Oh, dear, I didn't mean to say normal.
- He's all right.
168
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:19,398
The other bloke
they caught the barman with...
169
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,040
It was me.
170
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,513
See you later.
171
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,640
You dirty beggar!
172
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,990
They're a happily married couple!
173
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,237
Okay, ladies and gentlemen.
174
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,955
Here are your tickets
for the waterfalls of Algar,
175
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:14,675
which entitles you
to full access to all areas,
176
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:19,351
your Solana's picnic and a complimentary
glass of Nispero liqueur.
177
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:20,800
What is Nispero?
178
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,389
It's a fruit
grown locally in this region.
179
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:28,515
- Hey! Let's get piss-pero on Nispero.
- She said one glass.
180
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,072
Don't know why
we had to come here anyway?
181
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:36,952
Got everything we need
back at the apartments.
182
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,549
Food, drink, pool for the kiddies.
183
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,433
Oh, come on, mam.
It's nice to see different places.
184
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,278
I never wanted to come.
185
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,756
There's too many steps, it's too steep
and there's too many people.
186
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:49,871
And my shoes are hurting me.
187
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,753
Oh, you're determined to have good time,
aren't you?
188
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:55,633
Here you are,
get some of this down your neck.
189
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,153
Oh, Jesus. It's good stuff, that.
190
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:04,999
Hmm. Very acceptable, that.
191
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,191
Do nicely as a nightcap or a digestive.
192
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:08,879
No, you wouldn't want
a digestive with that.
193
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,469
Be too dry. Maybe a Chocolate Hobnob.
194
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:16,553
A digestive is an alcoholic drink taken
after dinner to compliment the meal
195
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,318
and aid digestion.
196
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:19,953
Although, I wouldn't expect you
to know that.
197
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,957
All right, Fanny Craddock, calm down.
198
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,993
He doesn't need to calm down.
He was actually telling you something.
199
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:28,238
If you tried listening to people instead
of making snide remarks all the time,
200
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,112
you might actually learn something.
201
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,038
Excuse me, could we get through?
202
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,629
We've not actually
had our free drink yet.
203
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:35,989
Learn something? From him?
204
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:38,396
You've got no manners
'cause you've had no education.
205
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:40,511
MARTIN: Can we get by?
We're not having a free drink.
206
00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:42,119
Hang on a minute.
It's just getting good, this.
207
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,119
No education? And who do you think
you are? Brain of Britain?
208
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:46,469
You're as thick as two short planks.
209
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:50,833
Mind you, his mother was just the same.
The apple never falls far from the tree.
210
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,758
Can we just go in, please?
We're holding people up.
211
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,599
Whoa! Whoa! Hang on a minute.
What's that supposed to mean?
212
00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:57,791
- Just forget it. Come on.
- I wasn't talking to you.
213
00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,196
- I beg your pardon.
- You know what it means.
214
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,550
I begged my Janice not to marry you.
215
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,399
You're all the same, you Garveys.
Heathens.
216
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,033
And where's all this suddenly come from?
217
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,037
"Suddenly"?
There's nothing sudden about it.
218
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,276
Can we just get
to the free drinks, please?
219
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,550
Oh, calm down, fatty.
They're not gonna evaporate.
220
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:14,670
(GASPS)
221
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,154
What did you just call my husband?
222
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,591
There you go. Typical
That's what the Garveys always were.
223
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,631
Rude, vile pigs!
224
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,513
- Come on, mam. Let's go.
- Hang on a minute.
225
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,109
- Who's side are you on?
- Not yours.
226
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,399
Unbelievable!
227
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,353
Hey, son!
228
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:41,359
- Do you wanna try some of this?
- No, thanks.
229
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,159
So, where did you say
you were from again?
230
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:50,636
- Benidorm.
-(CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah. You said.
231
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,994
Do you honestly think
she reckons her son's gay?
232
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:03,394
Can't see it myself.
233
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:07,115
He's oafish, boring,
completely without style,
234
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,117
totally lacking in manners.
235
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:12,790
And not withstanding that, he simply
doesn't have the intelligence to be gay.
236
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:14,797
So you reckon you need
all them things to be gay?
237
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:17,275
- Absolutely.
- Oh, right.
238
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,872
I just thought you needed
to like a bit of cock.
239
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,149
(SIGHS)
240
00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:25,999
The despair!
241
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:29,792
Ooh. Is that nice?
242
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,480
You are a good boy.
243
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,431
Thank you. Oh.
244
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,033
- Could I have a quick word with you?
-I have work to do.
245
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:43,597
Hang on a minute.
Look, I'm sorry about that earlier.
246
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:49,239
My sister has recently stopped smoking
and I'm constantly on edge.
247
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,113
We're identical twins, you see,
248
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:56,837
and we often feel
whatever the other one is experiencing.
249
00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:00,200
She once had a tetanus at the doctor's
250
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:04,359
and although it were
only a tiny prick in her bottom,
251
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,791
I flew off me seat on the bus
252
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:11,433
and head-butted
the woman in front of me.
253
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:15,678
- I have to get back to work.
- Would you mind
254
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:19,839
if I came over a bit later on
and had a word with you?
255
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,277
Depends what your sister is doing today.
256
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:28,634
Lovely. I'll come over
as soon as I've got him settled.
257
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,239
I cannot wait.
258
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,318
Oh! Cheers.
259
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,639
Café con leche?
260
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,395
No.
261
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:32,476
Café con leche?
262
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,193
No, I didn't order anything.
263
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:35,594
Uno café con leche.
264
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,755
All right, I'll have it.
Just leave it there.
265
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,039
- What do you want now?
- Two euros, please.
266
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,719
For God's sake.
267
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,114
Gracias.
268
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,151
Eh! Good luck!
269
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,192
So you're absolutely certain
you're okay?
270
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,311
I did give you quite a belt.
271
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,193
It's okay. I see you have
problems in your mind.
272
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,038
I beg your pardon?
273
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:18,596
Not like crazy person,
like you have trouble.
274
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:22,429
I have the gift.
My mother had the gift and so do I.
275
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,598
What gift is that?
276
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:28,918
I can see everything.
I can see inside people.
277
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:33,238
Like them X-ray specs
we used to get when we were kids?
278
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:38,198
No. I can see inside your soul.
279
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,836
- I can see you have many questions.
- Yes, I have.
280
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,553
Questions about your future.
281
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,069
- Not my future, me son's.
- Wait.
282
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,556
- The questions are not about you.
- No, they're not.
283
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,274
- They are about someone else.
- Yes, they are.
284
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,596
They are about someone
who is close to you.
285
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:55,755
Yes, he is.
286
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,030
- They are not about your mother.
- No.
287
00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:01,198
- They are not about your brother.
- I haven't got one.
288
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:03,834
Your questions are about...
289
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,156
your son!
290
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:08,270
(GASPS)
291
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,877
How did you know that?
292
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:16,034
It is a gift. So, what are
your questions about your son?
293
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:19,240
Well, he's never had a girlfriend
294
00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:23,558
and I've never stuck my nose
into his private life.
295
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,790
But, well, today,
296
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,070
he did actually say
297
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:31,555
he's not interested in girls.
298
00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:36,157
Yes. This is because your son
is a mufalata.
299
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:37,759
What's a mufalata?
300
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:42,317
He's a homo, bender, knob jockey,
pillow biter, bum boy,
301
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:47,389
fudge packer, friend of Dorothy, fairy,
faggot, gaylord, homosexual.
302
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:49,830
Your son is a homosexual gay.
303
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,110
Oh, well, I suppose you'd know.
304
00:17:52,111 --> 00:17:53,095
What!
305
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:54,394
-I mean,
306
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,909
with you being a psychic and everything.
307
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,236
Oh. Okay.
308
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:01,670
Yes.
309
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:04,233
Another eggnog?
310
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,152
Yes, I think I'd better.
311
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,954
Oh, son, why didn't you tell me?
312
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:09,800
Get in!
313
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:18,239
Lesley, you're about to
run out of credit, love.
314
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,317
Do you want me to put
another hour on for you?
315
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,876
No thanks, pet.
That's me done for today.
316
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,152
- Maybe see you later in the week.
- All right, darling. Take care.
317
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:29,590
Aye. I'll see you.
318
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,274
Very impressive.
319
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,755
Yes, just makes you want to dive in.
320
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,235
Well, they do say
if you stand under a waterfall
321
00:19:56,360 --> 00:20:00,149
it's the most invigorating
natural massage you can get.
322
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,477
- Sounds good to me.
- Such a shame I didn't bring my bathers.
323
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:06,240
Or, if you don't fancy that,
324
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:10,240
I once took a course on erotic massage.
325
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:14,957
I could oil you up
and give you a rub-down. No bother.
326
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:19,631
- She's very good with her hands.
- Well, I did bring me cossie.
327
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:23,515
(CHUCKLING) So, if I don't see you
in there, I'll know where you are.
328
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:24,835
Brandy.
329
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:31,669
So, forgive me for prying,
but are you two an item?
330
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:37,796
No, not really. Well, kind of. I mean...
We're sort of very good friends.
331
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:41,914
Right. You have an arrangement.
332
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,714
No, no, no. We met in
a self-help therapy group.
333
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:49,311
Uh-huh. And Katie's fine
with this therapy group?
334
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,038
- Katie?
- Your wife.
335
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:53,958
Oh, Kate! No, um...
336
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:59,599
- Kate and I have separated.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
337
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:05,752
Still, you've got your therapy group
to keep you occupied, haven't you?
338
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,996
Look, we'll get straight to the point.
339
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:11,192
I think we're all singing
from the same hymn sheet.
340
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:16,838
Jacqueline 's had a lot of fantasies
about you since we first met.
341
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,114
- Has she?
- Oh, yes.
342
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:23,789
Okay.
343
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:29,074
And I can be very passive
with the right, sensitive kind of man.
344
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,196
Oh my God!
345
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:35,312
What say we have a few drinks
at Neptune's tonight,
346
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:40,674
loosen up and all go back
to our apartment for a bit of therapy?
347
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:44,398
- Martin! What are you doing?
- I'm coming!
348
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:46,430
(SIGHS)
349
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,996
Something tells me we won't be
hearing him say that again tonight.
350
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,316
- Oh well!
351
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:54,636
- Picnic?
- Oh, yes.
352
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,879
Is this it?
Sandwich and a bag of crisps?
353
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:20,914
What'd you expect in a packed lunch,
a Christmas dinner?
354
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:22,314
Well, it's not very exciting, is it?
355
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:25,558
If you want excitement,
go look at the waterfall again.
356
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,320
Never satisfied,
that's always been your trouble.
357
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,954
- You what?
- Yeah, give it a rest.
358
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:32,639
You taking the piss?
359
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:34,876
She's never stopped whinging
since we got off the plane.
360
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,037
Can we just have our dinner in peace?
361
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,913
- She started it.
- MICK: Oh, grow up.
362
00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,270
Your 11-year-old boy there
making less fuss than you.
363
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:46,871
"Less fuss"? What fuss am I making?
I just said they were rubbish dinners.
364
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:53,639
Well, this is a barrel of laughs,
isn't it?
365
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:57,151
Mam, do you want my penguin?
I'm not eating sweet stuff.
366
00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:58,918
Aye, pass it over.
367
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,839
- Lovely spot!
- Yeah.
368
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:09,440
So, what's gonna happen
with the shop then, Mel?
369
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,631
Oh, you had to bring that up,
didn't you?
370
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,876
- What?
- We're trying to have a nice day out,
371
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,150
forget all our problems,
and you go and mention the shop.
372
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,238
- What did you say that for?
- I was making polite conversation!
373
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:22,557
"Polite conversation"? I stand and watch
my livelihood burn to ashes
374
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:24,557
and you want to make
polite conversation about it?
375
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,877
Your livelihood? You've got to
be kidding. You're shitting money.
376
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:29,593
Not that we ever get to see any of it.
377
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:33,315
Oh, here we go.
At last the truth comes out.
378
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:36,319
He's no father-in-law to you,
he's just some meal ticket.
379
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,080
"A meal ticket"? You can't get
a fucking drink out of him!
380
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:41,714
Right. That's enough!
Mick, go for a walk!
381
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:43,274
"Go for a walk"?
What's that supposed to mean?
382
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,550
You're just upsetting everybody.
Go for a walk!
383
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:48,149
Where am I supposed to walk to?
We're in the middle of bloody nowhere.
384
00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:49,236
(GROANS)
385
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:50,589
Just go!
386
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:59,598
- Mam, can I go for a swim?
- Of course you can. Be careful.
387
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:03,554
- Do you want me to go in with you, son?
- No, you're all right.
388
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,079
Oh! It's a bit cold.
389
00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:27,318
- Are your mates not coming in?
- No, no, I don't think so.
390
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:28,999
Oh, they seemed dead nice.
391
00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:31,634
Yeah, well,
they're certainly very enthusiastic.
392
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:36,674
So you found some trunks then?
393
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:38,279
Oh, no, these are my pants.
394
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,677
I'm afraid I'll have to go commando
on the journey back.
395
00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:42,835
Where's that?
396
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:46,237
No, go commando.
It means to not wear any underwear.
397
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:48,360
Oh, right.
398
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,552
- Why don't you go commando now?
- What, here?
399
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:54,877
No, no, I don't think
that's appropriate.
400
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:58,630
Come on.
Promise I won't look under the water.
401
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,433
It'll really turn me on.
402
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:03,154
No, I think what with the kiddies
in the pool and...
403
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:05,237
- I beg your pardon.
- Come on, Martin.
404
00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:08,671
We came here as friends, but there's
no denying there's a spark between us.
405
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:13,033
There is? I mean... I mean, there is.
I mean, I thought there might be.
406
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:14,878
- Martin.
- Yes?
407
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:18,755
Get down in the water
and slowly pull down your pants.
408
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:26,598
People are looking.
409
00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:30,353
No, they're not.
410
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,031
Right. Now give them to me.
411
00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,116
And swim under the waterfall.
412
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:43,232
I'll put these out to dry and
I'll meet you back there in two minutes.
413
00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:44,873
Brandy, I, I.
414
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:49,076
Two minutes.
415
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:12,795
(LAUGHS)
416
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:14,909
(SHUSHES)
417
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:31,151
- You not hungry?
- No.
418
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:36,440
- You having a nice time?
- Yes.
419
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,879
I love to listen
to English people argue.
420
00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:44,391
So, what's Paco short for?
421
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:52,552
- I'm not short. I'm taller than you.
- No. I mean, is Paco your full name?
422
00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:56,958
- Why do you ask these things?
- Trying to get to know you. I like you.
423
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:03,314
My name is Paco Benitez.
I am 22 years old.
424
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:06,990
I live in Albir with my boyfriend
and our dog, Pipo.
425
00:27:07,120 --> 00:27:10,431
I like French cinema
and my favourite colour is blue.
426
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,879
You live in Albir with your boyfriend?
427
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:20,473
Oh, my God. I've made
such a fool of myself, haven't I?
428
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:21,635
No.
429
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,709
I've been trying
my hardest with you all day
430
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:26,717
and I've been getting
absolutely nothing back.
431
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:29,480
- But now it all makes sense.
- Okay.
432
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,269
(SCOFFS)
433
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:35,075
I can be such an idiot sometimes.
434
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:37,869
Crisp?
435
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:49,669
(SIGHS)
436
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:56,675
Brandy?
437
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:00,880
Excuse me.
438
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:04,198
That lady I was talking to earlier,
did you see where she went?
439
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:07,438
- Yeah, she got out.
- Right.
440
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:11,076
- Did she say where she was going?
- No, but she took your clothes.
441
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:12,474
Oh, God!
442
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:13,829
(CHUCKLES)
443
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,792
Brandy, where are you?
444
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:18,033
This isn't funny!
445
00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:19,434
(LAUGHING)
446
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:22,071
- What's your name?
- Michael.
447
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:24,760
Michael, I need your help.
448
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:33,873
Did you not fancy a dip, Mel?
449
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:36,640
Not after I've had something to eat.
Very dangerous.
450
00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:38,637
You've only had a bag of crisps.
451
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:40,675
Hiya.
452
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,393
Look what I got.
A bottle of that liqueur
453
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,160
and some marmalade
made out of the same stuff.
454
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:48,112
What've you bought that for?
455
00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:51,392
- Thought you might like it.
- There he goes wasting money again.
456
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:52,794
You keep your nose out.
457
00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:54,319
Don't you speak to me mother like that.
458
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:56,636
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Don't start again.
459
00:28:56,760 --> 00:29:00,276
What have you got marmalade for?
You know I'm not eating sweet stuff.
460
00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:03,950
You're not gonna get any fatter
from a bit of marmalade.
461
00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:06,151
What do you mean, "fatter"?
462
00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:11,553
- I don't mean "fatter." I mean...
- What?
463
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:13,114
Fatter than I already am?
464
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:15,197
(SCOFFS) You're not fat!
465
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:18,118
Everybody puts a bit of weight on
on holiday.
466
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:19,799
(GASPS) You what?
467
00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:23,193
- What have I said now?
- What have you said?
468
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:24,799
You're nothing but an animal.
469
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:27,070
Why I ever let
an insensitive pig like you
470
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,077
marry my daughter, I'll never know.
471
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:32,795
- I never asked to marry her.
- I beg your pardon.
472
00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:36,473
No. I don't mean I didn't want
to marry you. I mean...
473
00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:39,393
Come here, mam. Don't upset yourself.
474
00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:40,669
What are you getting upset for?
475
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:42,074
First you call your wife fatty,
476
00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:43,520
then you say
you wish you'd never married her
477
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:44,755
and you're asking why she's upset?
478
00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:47,269
Who said "fatty"?
You're twisting me words.
479
00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:48,834
Janice, love, come here.
480
00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:50,792
- Come here, mam.
- I'm all right.
481
00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:53,480
- Janice...
- Just go away!
482
00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:54,670
What are you...
483
00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:55,756
(CHUCKLES UNEASILY)
484
00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:57,871
Oh, my God. You're not crying?
485
00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:00,514
No, I'm not crying.
I just want you to go away.
486
00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:01,835
Janice.
487
00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:03,909
Janice.
488
00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:08,592
Oh, for Christ's sake.
489
00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:12,475
Thanks.
490
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:22,315
- It's okay.
-(SNIFFS) I'm all right, I'm all right.
491
00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:25,000
I don't know why I let him get to me.
492
00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:30,878
- Eh, where's our Michael?
- Oh, he'll be all right.
493
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:33,230
How do you know he's all right?
Telle, have you seen him?
494
00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:35,158
- No.
- He went for a swim.
495
00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:38,159
Leave the lad alone,
he's not a baby any more.
496
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:40,317
What's the worst
that could happen to him?
497
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:47,154
Uh, excuse me.
498
00:30:58,000 --> 00:30:59,877
Sorry, I just had to...
499
00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:02,471
borrow your son for a bit.
500
00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:05,795
Hmm.
501
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:11,670
Don't suppose anyone's got
any spare clothes, have they?
502
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:18,874
(LAUGHING)
503
00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:36,910
Hola.
504
00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:40,078
Hiya, love. I just wondered
if you'd seen me husband anywhere.
505
00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:42,396
Your husband? No.
506
00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:45,273
Oh. Okay. Thank you.
507
00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:57,994
- Today you went to the waterfalls?
- Yeah.
508
00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:00,839
- Did you enjoy?
- Yeah, it was a nice day out.
509
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:04,351
I just seem to have lost me husband
somewhere along the way.
510
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:07,120
Hmm. I can see much sadness
in your eyes.
511
00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:08,514
You what?
512
00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:10,916
- I have a gift.
- Have you now?
513
00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,759
Well, that's very kind of you
but I don't think I want it.
514
00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:18,272
No, I have a gift.
I can see deep into your soul.
515
00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:20,791
- Really?
- Oh, yes.
516
00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:23,750
I can see you are not happy.
517
00:32:24,560 --> 00:32:28,713
Bloody hell, you're good, aren't you?
How did you work that one out?
518
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:31,230
Is it the lack of cartwheels
I'm doing across the floor,
519
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:33,556
or was it just a lucky guess?
520
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:39,072
It's a crime to see
such a beautiful woman alone.
521
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:43,755
I you need some company this evening
I am here for you.
522
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:48,797
Yeah. Very flattering, I'm sure
but I know all about you.
523
00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:50,831
You're the type that sits in the cinema
524
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:55,079
with a box of popcorn on your lap
with a hole cut out in the bottom.
525
00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:04,238
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
526
00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:14,989
(GASPS)
527
00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:19,112
I'm sorry, love,
I'm not very good with languages.
528
00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:22,356
I know how to say
"shut the window" in French.
529
00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:25,552
If your husband is lost, he's unlucky.
530
00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:30,038
If he chooses to stay away
from such a beautiful woman,
531
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:31,798
then he is a fool
532
00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:35,111
You are amazing.
533
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:40,199
I would love to find out
if what the English are saying is true.
534
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:43,558
What are they saying?
535
00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:47,275
That you can play many a good tune
on the old piano.
536
00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:50,199
"Old piano"?
537
00:33:52,920 --> 00:33:54,433
Perhaps I get the saying wrong?
538
00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:56,597
-"Old"?
- I think I need to get back to work.
539
00:33:56,720 --> 00:33:58,518
Yeah, I think you do.
540
00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:02,913
- Is everything all right?
- Fine.
541
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,553
As long as you don't mind
one of your bar staff
542
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:07,115
being neutered in front of
a bar full of holiday makers.
543
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:09,959
Oh, that one.
You'd have to join the queue.
544
00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:16,593
Are you finished in the bathroom, son?
545
00:34:16,720 --> 00:34:18,074
Nearly.
546
00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:20,760
- I want to talk to you.
- Yeah.
547
00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:24,589
You've hardly said a word
since you got back this afternoon.
548
00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:29,669
Just been fiddling with that phone
of yours, beeping every five minutes.
549
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:30,995
Hang on.
550
00:34:31,640 --> 00:34:32,789
Son...
551
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:38,198
I want you to know
I know how difficult it's been for you.
552
00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:42,632
And I want you to know
I'm so proud of you.
553
00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:45,673
I just want you to be happy.
554
00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:49,998
And if that means you being with a man
555
00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:54,717
and getting one of them
civilised partnerships,
556
00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,559
well, then I'll stick by you.
557
00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:03,039
I just need to know one thing
before I put me foot in it tonight.
558
00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:04,835
(GARGLING)
559
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,713
Are you ready to come out, son?
560
00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:13,750
I say, son, are you ready to come out?
561
00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:15,393
Yes, I'm ready.
562
00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:18,392
For God's sake, woman.
563
00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:30,351
- You all right?
- I'm so proud of you!
564
00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:33,598
It's gonna be a wonderful night.
565
00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:42,680
We shouldn't have come out.
566
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:45,155
Don't be stupid.
This is the first place he'll come.
567
00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:47,840
Where's he been?
What if he's still at the waterfalls?
568
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:51,157
He'll come back, tail between his legs,
stinking of booze.
569
00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:52,600
Men are all the same.
570
00:35:52,720 --> 00:35:55,439
I can't just sit here.
It was me that told him to go away.
571
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:57,597
Mam, chill out. He'll turn up.
572
00:35:58,640 --> 00:35:59,994
Any sign of him, Mel?
573
00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:01,155
No.
574
00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:04,398
I've asked everywhere
and nobody's seen him.
575
00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:06,636
- Oh, God!
- Well, it's not all bad news.
576
00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:07,716
- No?
577
00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:09,558
Apparently there's a singer on tonight.
578
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:10,750
(CHUCKLES)
579
00:36:11,720 --> 00:36:14,109
- Oh, come on, Martin. It was a joke.
- Really?
580
00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:16,436
Well, ha-bloody-ha.
581
00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:18,517
(CHUCKLES) Should've seen your face,
582
00:36:18,640 --> 00:36:22,873
creeping around naked with nothing but
a terrified child to cover your modesty.
583
00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:24,798
You're lucky the villagers
haven't been outside the apartment
584
00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:26,194
with burning torches.
585
00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:28,197
Really? well, when they do turn up,
586
00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:30,231
I'll point them
to the person responsible,
587
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:33,159
the bride of Frankenstein.
That means you.
588
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:35,639
Bride of Frankenstein?
589
00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:38,195
Burning torches, villagers,
590
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:40,436
Frankenstein,
it's a cinematic reference.
591
00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:42,870
I don't get it.
592
00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:46,072
Of course you don't get it,
you're stupid.
593
00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:49,036
- There's no need to be like that.
- Really?
594
00:36:49,160 --> 00:36:51,549
A bit like there's no need
to completely humiliate me
595
00:36:51,680 --> 00:36:54,479
- in front of all those people?
- Stop moaning and get a sense of humour.
596
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:59,993
I will stop moaning if you stop
being an annoying, uneducated,
597
00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:02,270
malicious, loud-mouthed,
598
00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:06,075
vulgar, short, irritating,
599
00:37:06,200 --> 00:37:09,318
unattractive, scouse twat!
600
00:37:11,000 --> 00:37:11,956
(GASPS)
601
00:37:12,240 --> 00:37:13,674
Unattractive?
602
00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:16,359
Do you know, Martin,
603
00:37:16,480 --> 00:37:18,312
you were on a promise tonight
but I am warning you.
604
00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:21,193
If I leave this table,
I will not be short of male attention.
605
00:37:21,320 --> 00:37:24,358
No, you'll just be short.
606
00:37:24,480 --> 00:37:25,675
(SCOFFS)
607
00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:28,753
You still here?
608
00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:36,309
Cheers!
609
00:37:36,680 --> 00:37:39,194
Good evening ladies and germs.
610
00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:41,038
ALL: (MUMBLING) Good evening.
611
00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:43,470
I said, "Good evening ladies and germs."
612
00:37:43,600 --> 00:37:45,273
ALL: Good evening.
613
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:46,720
That's better.
614
00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:49,593
Well, some of you may already know
we have a fabulous singer
615
00:37:49,720 --> 00:37:51,358
here at Neptune's tonight,
616
00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:54,438
Benidorm's favourite,
Shaun Foster Conley.
617
00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:59,111
But before that,
we have an old friend of Neptune's
618
00:37:59,240 --> 00:38:03,598
who'd like to say a few words.
Let's give it up for Noreen!
619
00:38:03,720 --> 00:38:05,313
(ALL APPLAUDING)
620
00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:06,999
What's going on?
621
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:14,229
Thank you, love.
622
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:17,917
Ladies and gentlemen,
623
00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:20,759
there have been many times in my life
624
00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:24,669
when I've been proud of my only son,
625
00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:26,632
Geoff Maltby.
626
00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:28,194
She's me PA.
627
00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:33,269
His many achievements in life
have been impressive and varied,
628
00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:37,519
from Lancashire Indoor
Hang Gliding Champion
629
00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:40,200
to the only double winner
630
00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:44,393
of the Ormskirk Meat Plate
Pie-Eating Competition,
631
00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:48,400
without the need of hospitalisation.
632
00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:49,555
(PEOPLE CHUCKLING)
633
00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:52,911
But these brave accomplishments
634
00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:57,273
pale into insignificance when I tell you
635
00:38:57,400 --> 00:38:59,596
that tonight's the night
636
00:38:59,720 --> 00:39:04,032
he's finally decided to stand tall
637
00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:07,073
and announce that he is
638
00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:10,989
a wonderful, happy, proud,
639
00:39:11,120 --> 00:39:12,997
gay man.
640
00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:15,354
You what?
641
00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:20,155
Well done, son.
642
00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:24,069
And this one is for you.
643
00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:27,150
(YMCA PLAYING)
644
00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:39,591
# Young man,
there's no need to feel down
645
00:39:39,720 --> 00:39:43,350
# I said, young man,
pick yourself off the ground
646
00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:47,235
# I said, young man,
'cause you're in a new town
647
00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:51,638
# There's no need to be unhappy
648
00:39:51,760 --> 00:39:54,878
# Young man,
there's a place you can go
649
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:58,755
# I said, young man,
when you're short on your dough
650
00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:02,669
# You can stay there
and I'm sure you will find
651
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:07,112
# Many ways to have a good time
652
00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:12,831
# It's fun to stay at the YMCA
653
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:17,830
# It's fun to stay at the YMCA
654
00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:21,794
# They have everything
for you men to enjoy
655
00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:24,833
# You can hang out with all the boys #
656
00:40:24,960 --> 00:40:28,430
- No!
- Hey, hey, hey. Sit down, gay boy.
657
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:29,994
Listen to your mama.
658
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:33,351
-# YMCA
-# YMCA
659
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:35,233
# You can get yourself cleaned
660
00:40:35,360 --> 00:40:36,555
# You can have a good... #
661
00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:38,239
662
00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:39,714
# ...whatever... #
663
00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:40,796
664
00:40:40,920 --> 00:40:42,593
(GEOFF WHISPERING)
665
00:40:42,720 --> 00:40:44,472
(GEOFF'S MUM GRUNTS)
666
00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:47,037
# I said, young man
667
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:50,593
# I said, young man
668
00:40:50,720 --> 00:40:52,597
# You can make real your dreams
669
00:40:52,720 --> 00:40:57,112
# But you got to know this one thing
670
00:40:57,240 --> 00:41:00,119
# No man does it all by himself
671
00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:02,311
# I said, young man
672
00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:04,670
# Put your pride on the shelf
673
00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:06,074
-# Go there
-# Go there
674
00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:07,713
# To the YMCA
675
00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:12,471
# And I'm sure they can help you today #
676
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,471
(BRANDY CRYING)
677
00:41:17,720 --> 00:41:20,280
- Watch where you're going!
- Sorry!
678
00:41:25,760 --> 00:41:30,118
Excuse me, have you seen a short man
with an orange face?
679
00:41:30,240 --> 00:41:32,390
- You what?
- The man with the shop.
680
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:36,229
- It burned down. He owes me money.
- I think he's in there.
681
00:41:37,160 --> 00:41:38,673
Are you okay?
682
00:41:39,520 --> 00:41:41,352
Yeah, I'm fine.
683
00:41:41,480 --> 00:41:43,551
You look sad.
684
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:45,633
I'm all right.
685
00:41:46,520 --> 00:41:49,399
Did you have a disagree
with your boyfriend?
686
00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:52,149
Yeah, but he's not my boyfriend.
687
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:55,316
He's just a friend?
688
00:41:55,440 --> 00:41:58,478
(SCOFFS) He's probably
not even that right now.
689
00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:02,795
- Do you think I'm unattractive?
- No.
690
00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:06,152
Absolutely no.
691
00:42:07,240 --> 00:42:09,197
Then kiss me, you idiot.
692
00:42:13,240 --> 00:42:16,756
# They have everything
for you men to enjoy
693
00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:21,511
# You can hang out with all the boys #
694
00:42:21,640 --> 00:42:23,153
(NOREEN LAUGHS)
695
00:42:25,840 --> 00:42:27,717
(AUDIENCE WHISTLING)
696
00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:38,151
Noreen's tribute
to her big, gay son, Geoff.
697
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:42,990
Congratulations, Geoff. We'll see you
in the old town at some point.
698
00:42:43,120 --> 00:42:45,191
But moving right on,
ladies and gentlemen,
699
00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:46,640
tonight's entertainment,
700
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:49,991
Mr Shaun Foster Conley!
701
00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:52,758
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
702
00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:04,833
Ladies and gentlemen,
I've been asked by Mick Garvey
703
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:08,396
to sing this first song
for his beautiful wife, Janice.
704
00:43:08,520 --> 00:43:12,912
The message is, "Listen to the words,
Jan, I love you so much."
705
00:43:13,080 --> 00:43:14,559
(HERE IN MY HEART PLAYING)
706
00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:30,433
# Here in my heart
707
00:43:30,560 --> 00:43:37,079
# I'm alone and so lonely
708
00:43:37,840 --> 00:43:41,629
# Here in my heart
709
00:43:41,760 --> 00:43:48,598
# I just yearn for you only
710
00:43:51,400 --> 00:43:53,960
# Here in my arms
711
00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:59,758
# I long to hold you #
712
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:05,998
- Have you got anywhere we can go?
- My girlfriend, she is at home.
713
00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:08,512
Come on. The beach.
714
00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:20,116
# Here is my heart
715
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:27,390
# My life and my all, dear
716
00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:32,598
# Please be mine
717
00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:35,073
# And stay here in my heart #
718
00:44:35,200 --> 00:44:39,159
He's playing with your emotions.
You won't see him again tonight.
719
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:41,430
Is dad not coming back, mam?
720
00:44:42,600 --> 00:44:47,197
# Say that you care
721
00:44:47,760 --> 00:44:52,231
# Take this heart I give... #
722
00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:54,192
- Dad!
- JANICE: Mick!
723
00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:56,479
(EXCLAIMS)
724
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:00,832
Where have you been?
725
00:45:01,360 --> 00:45:02,839
I thought you'd had enough of me
for one day
726
00:45:02,960 --> 00:45:04,519
so I made meself a bit scarce.
727
00:45:04,640 --> 00:45:08,554
- We've been worried about you.
- I didn't mean to do that. I just...
728
00:45:08,680 --> 00:45:11,752
# Here is my heart #
729
00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:15,719
I don't want you ever to get
sick of the sight of me.
730
00:45:15,840 --> 00:45:17,751
Oh, don't be daft.
731
00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:20,311
I love you, Janice.
732
00:45:21,520 --> 00:45:23,636
- I love you so much.
- Oh.
733
00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:26,559
# Please be mine
734
00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:33,438
# And stay here in my heart #
56783
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