All language subtitles for Benidorm s08e05.eng

Here he is!

Have you forgotten?
- Forgotten what?

The mountain.
- Course I ain't forgotten.

You and me up Brokeback Mountain.

You haven't seen Brokeback Mountain,
have you?

No. How did you know that?
- Just a guess.

You're not going to climb Benidorm's
tallest mountain like that? - No.

I'm gonna climb it like this.

(LAUGHS)

Seriously, though, you're gonna
go up a mountain in just flip-flops?

Course I'm not gonna go up
the mountain in just flip-flops!

OK. Good.

Right. Let's do this!

Mate, we're gonna be out in the sun
all day long.

We need food, sun cream.
You need a T-shirt.

Mate, we ain't going up there
for a picnic.

It's us against Mother Nature.

We is gonna be like Barbeque Grills.

Do you mean Bear Grylls?

I don't know.
- I'm serious.

We need proper clothing,
a bit of food and plenty of water.

Go and get dressed. I'll nick
some grub from the breakfast bar

and you get the aguas in.

Is that a problem?

Nah, mate, no problem.

You get the food.

I'll get the aguas in.

All right, sweet.
See you in reception in ten minutes.

Cool. Tige, remember...

If you need me, call me,

no matter where you are,

no matter how far.

What?

Just call my name.

I'll be there in a hurry.

On that you can depend.

And never worry.

♪ Cos there ain't no mountain
high enough

♪ Ain't no valley low enough

♪ To keep me from getting to
you-oo-oo!

All I'm saying is

don't mention anything
about last night, son.

Don't mention anything?

I thought we could say

we've decided to go home early
because I left the gas on.

Mother, if you'd left the gas on
for three days,

we'd have no home to go back to.

I just don't want to embarrass her.

Embarrass HER?

I was the one who had to peel her
off that bloke at reception

at four o'clock this morning
singing Sexual Healing.

What were you singing that for?
- Not me, HER!

Here she comes.

Good morning.

Didn't expect to see you
till this afternoon.

Why ever not?

We may be on holiday,
but that's no excuse for lethargy.

It's no excuse
for straddling the night porter

while singing Marvin Gaye either.

That's not fair, Pauline,

not if he was gay.

I admit, it wasn't my finest hour.
But let's not get carried away.

A little holiday spirit
is expected when one is on vacation.

Yeah?
You've drank more holiday spirit

than the rest of the hotel
put together.

A momentary lapse.

I can assure you
I no longer have a drink problem.

No, love,

it's everyone around you
ends up with the problem.

I think we just have to admit
you're not in the right place to enjoy Benidorm at the moment.

Well, where is the right place?

No, I'm saying Pauline's
not in the right space in her head.

Well, that makes even less sense.

Pauline, Geoff and I have decided
to cut the holiday short.

If you're not enjoying yourselves,
there's no point you staying.

For ALL of us.
- What?

We're taking you home, Pauline.

For your own sake.

Absolute rubbish.

I'm just getting into my stride.

Ah, yes, if you please?

One very small
large vodka and orange and a...

Excuse me, where are you going?

You, sir, have the manners
of a armyard fanimal.

A farmyard animal!

Nobody will serve you, love.

We're all going home.

We can't go home.

We're booked
till the end of the week.

We've already changed the flights.
- What?

To when?

When are we leaving?

(SIGHS)

Go and pack your stuff, love.

Excuse me.

You weren't thinking of taking THAT
food out of the hotel, were you?

No, I was just using this bag
to carry everything back to my table.

Yes.

I'm afraid you're going
to have to put everything back at once, thank you.

Ah, but the thing is

I'm climbing a mountain
with my friend Joey today.

I don't care if you're digging
a hole to China with David Yip.

All food is to be consumed
on the premises.

(GROANS)

Who's David Yip?

♪ MUZAK

Welcome to The Solana.
How can I help?

Hola. I need your help.
- That's why I'm here, pal.

I am in great need

of a man.

Oh, I see.

Well, it's a bit early,

but you could always try
the Pink Trombone in the Old Town.

Mind you, it doesn't get busy
till they open the finger buffet at one o'clock.

Listen to me. I look for a man here!

I am sorry.
I travel far. I am tired.

Look, I'm not sure
I can help you, pal.

This man, he work here.

Oh, I see.
Well, why didn't you say so?

Well, if you describe him,
I might know him.

OK, he has

the black hair,

tan for the skin and he is -

how you say? -

a simple man.

Can you be a bit more specific?

He is Spanish.

Oh, well, that doesn't really
narrow it down very much, pal.

He has the name Mateo.

Can I ask what this is about?

I cannot say. It is a private
matter between me and Mateo.

Right. As entertaining as
this has been, I've got work to do.

Why don't you go and wait
at the pool bar through there?

And I'll go and see
if I can find Mateo.

If you see him,

you tell him
it is a matter of life and death.

Do you understand?

I think I do.

Bloody hell.

There you go, one beer.
- Thanks, love.

Has anyone told you
how pretty you are?

No, you're the first one ever.

You on the beers already?
It's only ten o'clock.

Is it? Thought it were later.

It's five to ten.
- Oh, aye.

Excuse me, love, just top that up
with lemonade, will you?

All the way to the top?

No, just a dash. Don't drown it.

Dad,

me and Sheron have been talking.

Oh, aye?
- Yeah.

And I know she's been
a bit resistant to the idea,

but she's reconsidered and she's
happy for you to move in with us.

Oh, she's seen
the error of her ways, then? - Yeah.

No, no!
Don't say that in front of her.

It takes a big woman
to admit she were wrong.

I don't mean fat. I mean...

Dad, for God's sake,
don't mess this up.

It were her that messed it up,
telling me I couldn't live with you.

There you go.
- Thanks, love.

There is one condition
on you moving in.

I knew
the Ice Queen would thaw eventually.

No woman can resist
the Dawson charm for very long.

Apart from lesbians. (CHUCKLES)

I'm not a magician.

Dad, will you listen to me, please?

You don't know
what this means to me, son.

I can't bear the thought
of living alone any more.

I need a house full of life,

full of love.

I need my family back.

Now, what were you saying
about a condition?

Oh, it were nothing.
- It must have been something.

No, no, it were just... erm...

No ladies after ten o'clock.
- Not a problem.

I'm more of an afternoon delight
kind of man anyway.

(SIGHS) Please, Tige.

No more. Please, I can't take it.

Mate,
I can literally still see the bus.

Please, we need to rest.

I'm not an athlete.

(GROANS)

I can't feel my legs!
Seriously. I'm not even joking.

I can't feel anything in my legs.

Ow!

All right, I can feel a bit.

Come on, what happened to
us against Mother Nature?

No offence,
but Mother Nature's a bitch.

Come on!

Would Barbeque Grills
sit here moaning

or would he climb the mountain?

Oh, my God!
There's a barbeque at the top?

Now you're talking!

Hey. Thanks for agreeing
to wear the uniform, Kenneth.

No worries.

And thank you for letting me
make a few adjustments.

What did I say?
It's all about compromise.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi, Jacqueline. You all right?

No. Well, yes.

I've got a date tonight

with a man.

And I need your advice.

Jacqueline,
I don't mean to sound rude,

but your experience with men
is even greater than mine.

Who's the lucky fella?
- Troy, for goodness sake, like we don't know.

They were wrestling each other
to the ground around that pool.

No, we were not!

He just rubbed
a bit of suntan cream on my back.

And in Neptune's he was rubbing
the creases of his trousers,

while you played with
your bubble and squeak.

I honestly can't remember -
what does he look like?

He looks a bit like a drunken,
sunburnt Santa Claus on holiday.

You'd better make sure you don't
end up on his naughty list, eh?

(GIGGLES)

And make sure he wraps his present
before he shoves down your chimney!

What?

Come on...

Why aren't you answering your phone?

Is everything OK?
- I am sleeping in the place I work.

Of course everything is not OK.

You've stayed here loads of times
before. You never complained.

Yeah, but that is
when I am sleeping with a guest.

It is different if you are paying
for this rubbish yourself.

Why don't you get a proper place?

With what, Les, hm?

My wife, she take everything.

She leave me with nothing.

Your shift's in half an hour,
but I came to tell you -

there's a Spanish fella downstairs
looking for you.

For me? What does he look like?

Leather waistcoat, slick black hair,

seemed quite aggressive.

What did he say?

He said he wants to see you
and it's a matter of life and death.

Madre mia!
- What's going on?

Come in, Les. I tell you. I think
the fan has finally hit on the shit.

Mate, mate, can we stop?

Oh, not again!
We're stopping every five minutes.

No, Tige, you don't understand.
This time I need the toilet.

Go on, then.
- Well, where is it?

Where's what?

The toilet.

You go straight up this path,
and it's the first on your left.

Cheers.

Where are you going, you muppet?
Just go anywhere!

Oh, cool, yeah. Hang on a sec.

(URINATES)

(RELIEVED SIGH)

What on earth
do you think you're doing?

Nothing major, bruv.
Just having a slash.

Did you actually take the time

to look at the place
that you're fouling?

Easy, mate, he ain't a dog.

I'm not your mate. Look!

This is the memorial plaque
of the late Antonio Guardez.

The finest mountaineer
in Spanish history.

He can't be that great
if he's late all the time.

Well said, bruv.
- Thanks, Tige.

I'll wait until
you've washed your hands.

Fair point, bruv.

It means he's dead.

I will not have his memory soiled
by a couple of execrable yahoos.

I am the tourist liaison officer
to Benidorm,

and the amount of
obnoxious, loutish behaviour

for which I have to apologise
is insurmountable.

Why can't you just behave,
you people, for once?

We're climbing a mountain.
We ain't hurting anyone.

Well, I'm reporting you.

Who to? The piss police? (LAUGHS)

Come on, bruv, let's bounce.

We've got a mountain to climb.
- Innit!

Wait there.
I want both of your names.

Where are you going?
I am making a citizen's arrest.

Come back here at once.

That's him there.

Hostia! It is him.

Are you sure?
You can't see his face.

I do not need to see his face.

This is my brother-in-law.
People call him the Axeman.

Why do they call him the Axeman?

He is very excellent at the guitar.

Oh.

And once he killed a man with an axe.

Bloody hell.
But why is he after you?

I brought shame
on the family of my wife.

This is why I moved to Madrid.

I thought I could slip back
to Benidorm and lie on the low,

but someone
must have done a dirty on me.

You got anywhere to go?

No, I do not.

But I must accept,

now that Maria's family
have caught up with me,

this is now my life with the runs.

I think you mean 'on the run'.

Les, the man is an axe murderer.

I know what I am saying.

Hasta luego.

Listen, Sheron.
I just wanted to say thank you.

Oh, that's OK.

You know,
for finally coming to your senses.

We can all act a bit childishly
from time to time,

but it's nice to see
you've decided to grow up a bit.

I really appreciate it.

You're welcome, Eddie.

And you're happy with the condition?

I wouldn't say I'm happy,
but I don't want to rock the boat.

Thank you.
- Not after ten o'clock anyway!

(CHUCKLES)

That's it. Nice one, Jodie.

You'll be swimming in no time.
- Let go. I want to swim on my own.

Are you sure?
- Yeah.

Hey! Amazing!

Don't go too far!

She's a natural!

Yeah. The fact that
she's wearing so many inflatables

it would take a nuclear bomb to
sink her has nothing to do with it.

Oh, can I get another lemonade?
- Yeah, sure.

Are you not on the beer
like everyone else?

No, I'm...

Under age?
- Not a big drinker.

I'm 23.
- Really? You don't look it.

I say it's embarrassing,

but my dad says
I'll appreciate it in years to come.

Cheers.

So you're not on
a big boozy Benidorm holiday?

Nah, I can do that anytime.

I like spending time with my family.
- That's nice.

And you've got your little sister
to look after. - Yeah.

As you know,
my grandad keeps trying to kill her,

so it keeps me on my toes.

It was a joke.

(LAUGHS)

I didn't want to ask
if she was your sister.

Sounds nosey.

Big age gap.
She wasn't really planned,

but sometimes
life's little surprises

turn out to be
just what we're looking for.

Hey, come back here, you!

Breathe it in, Joey.
Do you know what that is?

It's either
Ferrari or David Beckham.

Eh?

My aftershave -
I can't remember which one I put on.

No, mate,

I am talking about
the sweet smell of success.

Oh, that!

Yeah, sweet as! (LAUGHS)

Right...

We've earned this.

Is that all you got?

Sorry, man, they made me put back
all the breakfast stuff.

Mmm. Nice, good.

Mmm. Mmm.

Water. I need water.

Yeah, go on, I'll have one as well.

What do you mean 'go on'?
You said you'd get the water.

No, I didn't. I was getting the food.
You were getting the water.

No, you said you were getting
the food and supplies.

Bruv,
I was supposed to get the food.

I asked YOU to get the aguas in.

Yeah, I got that.

I got them from the chemist.

Oh, my God.

I assumed they were mountain
climbing pills or something.

Stop talking, Joey, please.

Just stop talking.

I need a little quiet time.

Hang on, look!

Mate,
we're really sorry about earlier,

but we've got no water.
Please, can we borrow some of yours?

So you can urinate
on another hero's tomb?

Hardly think so.
- Please, sir! We'll do anything.

Just one little drop of water!

I've just done a whole bag
of ready salted, and I'm like...

(DRY, RASPING GROAN)

Sorry, gentlemen, but if I help you
now, you'll never learn, will you?

Please, sir! Please, sir!
Pleeeeeeaaasse!

Good day.

NO!

(REVERBERATES)

(CHILDREN SQUEALING AT PLAY)

To the first day
of the rest of your life.

Oh, I hope not.

She had terrible cradle cap
on the first day of her life.

She looked like she'd been rubbed
down with a yard brush.

I don't mean that. What I mean is -
it's a rebirth, a renaissance.

You're not saying much, Pauline.

That call I made in the taxi,

it was to my sponsor.

I didn't know
you were being sponsored.

Maybe we should've walked here.

Not a sponsored walk.

She's in a recovery programme.

You're in a programme?!

They've not been filming us,
have they?

I'd have put a bit of lippy on.

Oh, for God's sake!
Is there any wonder

I've been bulldozed into a relapse,

listening to this
unremitting gibberish all day?!

I'm sorry, Pauline...

I just get confused.

No need to be sorry, Mam.

If anyone has an apology to make,
then it's Pauline.

As I was saying,

I've spoken to my sponsor

and she agrees that I shou...

WE should leave Benidorm.

I have been reintroduced
to my higher power

and I would like you to know
that I regret

any harm or upset I may have caused

and hope we can move on.

I'm that proud of you, Pauline.

Excellent philosophy.

One I subscribe to myself, actually.

Once the tide has gone out,
that ship has sailed.

To moving forward,
with all our lives.

(MUGS CLINK)

Hello, Geoff.

Rubella!

Hello, love.

Fancy seeing you here.

(LIFT DINGS)

Er, excuse me.

Where are you going?

Sorry, Miss Temple-Savage.
I tried to find you,

but I need to go to the doctor's.

Mateo!

I have been lied to by men
for most of my adult life.

I can smell a rat a mile away.

You can smell a rat one mile away?!

It's a saying.
- Do you want me to move the rat,

while I am at the doctor?
- Get back to work.

If you go out of that door,
consider yourself sacked.

Do you understand that?

Yes, Miss Temple-Savage.

Put your badge on.

(BIRDS CALL)

(MOANS)

Come on, bruv, you're doing well.

My mou...

...i... o... rye.

I can't understand
a word you're saying.

Mah mou!

Mah-mah?

What does that mean?
- Not mah-mah!

Mah mouh i... o... rye.

Mate, I don't wanna keep talking.
My mouth is really dry.

(FRUSTRATED SQUEAL)

Oh, my God!

There's a rucksack on the ground.

It might have water in it.

It's one of
those water bottle things!

(HOARSE SHOUT)

Here you go, bruv, you first.

Oh, gee, that's better.

There you go, mate.

That's it, Tige.
Get it down you, bruv.

Ah! Ah!

Hello? Hello?

Is anyone there?

I'm down here! Help! Help!

Oh, thank goodness! Salvation.

Could you get my rope?
It's in the rucksack.

I think I may have broken my ankle.

You see the thing is

if we help you now,
you'll never learn, will you?

Come on, Joey.

Hang on a minute, bruv.

All that water -
I think I need another wee.

Would you mind, bruv?

Certainly.

What?

No!
- (BOTH CACKLE)

Jokes!

♪ My acres of a land

♪ That I've achieved

♪ It may be hard for you

♪ To stop and believe

♪ But for you, ooh

♪ You, ooh, I'd leave it all ♪

You're in a good mood.

Well, I've got the sun,
a good book, a cold drink, music.

What else do I need?

I know why you're in a good mood.
- Oh, yeah? Go on, then.

Because
you were talking to that girl.

Wahey! Go on, my son!
- Shut up.

The girl at the bar?
- We were just talking.

Her name's Amber. She likes you.

How do you know her name
and how do you know she likes me?

Because she's not daft. She takes
after her mother. Don't you, darling?

Nice one, Roberto!

Oh, can you all just shut up?
- Well, that's a relief.

What is?
- We all thought you were a bit...

light in the loafers.

Light in my what?
- All that reading,

dying your hair, poncing about.

I've never dyed my hair.

You want to get in there
like a rat up a drainpipe.

Hang about, and
that greasy Spaniard she works with

will be going through her
like a dose of salts.

Oh! Do you mind?!

I'm squiring a young lady
this evening.

Maybe we could double-date.
- You're doing what to a young lady?

I haven't got a date.
Just leave me alone.

Now look what you've done!

Who are you going on a date with?

That old trollop he was rubbing
sun cream into yesterday.

I'm a single man, Sheron.

I'll rub sun cream
into whoever I like.

Right.

Time to syphon the python

and then I'm going to get myself
a bit of Dutch courage for tonight.

You have told him about the condition
of him staying with us, haven't you?

Yes, of course I have.

Are you feeling OK, mate?

For the last time,
I am not your mate.

And, no, I am far from OK.

You imbeciles
might as well have dragged me down the mountain by my rope.

God knows the additional damage
you've done to my ankle.

Is this guy for real?

Llevame al hospital...

rapido rapido.

Oh, careful.

Oh, mister. Here you go. Take these.

Why on earth would I take these?

For the pain.

(SNIGGERS)

Animals! Disgusting animals!

Careful, careful.

Cuidado. Poco poco.

Why was she laughing at me?

Cos it looks like you've bought
the Spanish version of Viagra, mate.

What?! You are joking me!
- Nope!

I thought the guy in the chemist
looked at me funny.

I bought four boxes and said

I was going up Brokeback Mountain
with my best mate!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Cheers, pal.

Honestly, he's not here
and he won't be back any time soon.

It is strange how this hotel seems
to run without any staff at all.

Look, I think the best thing to do
is leave a contact number,

and if Mateo turns up
I'll get in touch, OK?

Listen to me, I know he is here, OK?

Julio!
- Mateo!

Les, why did you not tell me my
dear friend Julio is here to visit?

But I thought you said...
- We worked together in Madrid.

It is good to see you, brother.

So what brings you to Benidorm?
- I come to visit my mother in Albir.

But I bring you sad news.

Senora Ana Garcia,

she has passed to the other side.

Senora Garcia?

My heart is breaking to hear this,
Julio.

Who's this, then?
- Senora Garcia -

she was a very old resident
at the hotel in Madrid.

A fine woman.
- The finest.

She knew she was dying -

she left cards
for all the hotel staff.

An amazing woman. Thank you, Julio.

Don't lose it, eh?
There is 100 euros inside.

She gave this to all the workers,
a final tip.

Ah, a generous woman.

And - how you say? - insatiable.

On Mondays and Tuesdays
we go to the cinema,

Wednesday to the bowling alley,

Thursday a classical music concert

and Fridays we go to the ice rink.

You certainly get around town.

No,
all of these things are in our home.

You've got an ice rink
in your house?

Do not be silly, Geoffrey!

It is in one of our outbuildings.

Yeah, of course.

It's good to see you're happy,
Ionela.

(SIGHS) Geoffrey...

If only this were true.

But you've got everything
you ever wanted.

A rich husband.

Well, that's it. A rich husband.

But I still do not have a family.

A mother who loves me,

a drunk, aggressive sister
to protect me.

I never said she was a drunk.

I am sorry, you are right.

Those were not your words.
You said 'raging alcoholic'.

Did I?

These simple things you have,

they are my heart's desire,

more than any diamonds, limousines,

surround-sound 3D home-cinema system
with reclining leather chairs.

And an ice rink.

But you could have all of these,
Ionela.

You could have all of these things.

How?

How can these things be mine,
Geoffrey?

Get on a plane with us, tonight.

What?

Why not?

It's worth a shot, isn't it?

Look, I can see you're not happy.

Why not take the chance?

But...

We don't have a bowling alley
in our basement, lonela.

We don't even have a basement.

We don't have a home cinema.

But there's an Odeon
just around the corner,

that does two-for-one on Wednesdays.

What do you say?

Geoff, I...

You have to listen to your heart,
Ionela, not your head.

Our flight leaves
at ten o'clock tonight.

Take the day to think about it.

You know where I'll be.

♪ I SECOND THAT EMOTION

♪ Oh, little girl, in that case

♪ I don't want no part

♪ I do believe that
that would only break my heart

♪ Oh, if you feel like loving me...

17, 18...

18.50.

It's not really enough
to go into Benidorm, mate.

Looks like we're stuck in here
for the rest of the holiday.

I can't believe it, man.

We climb Brokeback Mountain, and
we have to celebrate in this place.

Mate, how many times?

Brokeback Mountain
is not in Benidorm.

All right, where is it?

It ain't anywhere.

Brokeback Mountain
is a movie about two gay cowboys.

What?!
- For real.

Well, I think one of them is gay,

but the other one gets a bit jiggy
with him in their tent.

You've seen it?

Mate, you got something
you want to tell me?

No!

Don't be an idiot.

Everybody's seen it.

I ain't.

Mate, I know you ain't gay,

but if you're just a bit greedy,
no problems, bruv.

I've got an uncle
whose wife is Lebanese.

Your uncle's wife is Lebanese?
- Yeah.

So what?

Exactly, man!

That don't make her a bad person.

This is 2014, bruv!

It's 2015.

Is it?

(APPLAUSE)

♪ I second that emotion ♪

♪ YOU'RE MORE THAN A NUMBER
IN MY LITTLE RED BOOK

♪ Oooooooooo!

♪ Yeah

♪ You're more than a number
in my little red book

♪ You're more than
a one-night date...

Yeah, it's a real shock to suddenly
become single again at our age.

Oh, you can say that again.

It's been over six months,

but I can't get used to waking up

and not have that special someone
to the left of me. - Yeah.

And Donald to the right of me.

I've got to admit,

Mary and I had separate beds
for t'last...

...38 years.
- How many years were you married?

39.

Aw.

I used to like to go out to t'pub,

whereas Mary were a home bird.

And I didn't want to wake her
coming home stinking of booze.

I always used to say,

'If I'm not in bed by midnight,
I'm going home.'

(CHUCKLES)

Jacqueline,
am I getting t'wrong signals here?

It sounds like
you and your late husband

led quite an adventurous lifestyle.

We were swingers.

Did I not mention it?

No.

But I kind of got the impression.

Did you and Mary
not have much of a sex life?

Don't mind us. This is fascinating.

♪ You're more than a one-night stand

♪ In case you get to thinkin'

♪ That you'd been took...

Thank you very much.
Please call again.

♪ In my little red book...

Mateo, we need to talk about
your living arrangements.

You can arrange for me a better room?

I'm afraid not.

It's against company policy
for staff to stay on the premises.

I didn't mind you bedding down
while you got settled,

but I can't keep up
your heavily discounted rate.

I understand.

You owe us 96 euros for your stay.

But I'll take it
out of your next pay cheque.

No. No problem.

I have the money.

What is this?
- 100 euros.

And I need my four euros change.

(GASPS)

Mateo, this isn't 100 euros.

Oh, she give me a cheque.

OK, take the money from my salary.

No, no, no, no! I mean,
it's a lot more than 100 euros.

Ostia!

10,000 euros.

Somebody obviously likes you.

Senora Garcia!
- Who?

She was a resident
from The Hotel Rio in Madrid.

In English she say,

'Mateo, you were always my favourite.

Your handsome face,

your kind - how you say? - service

and the best ass in all of Spain.

If only I had been 30 years
more young. Senora Garcia.'

30 years younger? How old was she?

Maybe close to 100.
- (GASPS)

But she still knew a good ass
when she saw one.

♪ More than a number

♪ Written in my little red book ♪

Thank you.
- (CHEERING)

(WHOOPS)

This place ain't so bad, mate!

I might have to treat you
to a bit of Ed Sheeran later.

Shit!
- All right, easy, man!

How about Flo Rida?

No, look!

Oh, my God!

He must have got our fingerprints
off his water thingy,

then got a lab to run it through
his tourist computer

and then checked it
with every hotel in Benidorm!

Or he just looked at our wristbands.

Evening, gentlemen.

Hi, mate, you all right?
- Not really, no.

I've spent the entire evening
in hospital, thanks to you two.

It ain't our fault
you broke your ankle. - No, it wasn't.

But it was thanks to both of you
that I made it to hospital.

Yeah, well, it ain't our fault if...

Wait. That's a good thing, yeah?

Indeed it is.

Which is why
I came here to say thank you.

You see,
in my job I tend to come across

the bad behaviour of a few idiots

and rather forget
that the vast majority of Brits

who come to Benidorm
are decent people,

enjoying a well-earned break.

So I came here to thank you
for reminding me of that fact.

No worries.

And also to tell you
that I've nominated you both

in the category of Local Hero
for the Pride of Benidorm Awards,

on Friday night
at The Benidorm Palace.

Are you serious?
- Absolutely.

I hope you can make it.
- I think I have a window in my diary.

Joey?
- I haven't got a diary.

Right, well, it's 7:30,

Friday, Benidorm Palace.
Here's my card.

If there's anything
I can do for you, let me know.

Oh, and if you present that to
any British-owned bar in Benidorm

before Saturday, it'll see you right

for a couple of rounds of drinks
for both of you.

OK, chaps?
- Nice one!

(GLASSES CLINK)

Oh, just remember to always drink
res... pons...

Don't know why I bother.

♪ We'll be swinging
and dancing and singing

♪ Baby, come on over tonight

♪ Baby, come on over tonight

♪ Come on over tonight ♪

The wonderful
Leroy C and his Motown Memories!

And now it's time
to hear from your good selves.

It's karaoke time.

And the first greyhound
out of the trap is Jacqueline.

Where are you, Jacqueline?

♪ 2 BECOME 1

♪ Candlelight and soul forever

♪ Dream of you and me together

♪ Say you believe it
- (EDDIE JOINS IN)

♪ Say you believe it

♪ Free your mind of doubt...

Aw, it's nice to see him happy.

What are you on about?
He's always happy!

It's those around him who have
a problem enjoying themselves.

I sometimes think that's
all a bit of a front, you know?

Really? Are you worried about him?

♪ Closer, baby

♪ Get it on, get it on

♪ Cos tonight is the night

♪ When two become one

♪ I need some love
like I never needed love before

♪ Wanna make love to you, baby!

No, you know what -
I think he'll be all right.

Thanks again
for letting him come and stay.

We'll see how it goes for a bit, eh?
- It's all right, love.

I'm surprised he agreed to it,
to be honest.

Who'd want to live in a caravan
on the front drive?

♪ Wanna make love to you, baby!

♪ Set your spirit free

♪ It's the only way to be

There you go.
- Cheers, thanks.

Listen, I was wondering

if you'd like to go for a drink
at some point.

You know,
one that's not all inclusive.

I work late most nights.

So that means no?
- No.

That means
it would have to be a late drink,

after 11 o'clock.

Right.

OK. Nice one.

How about Friday?
- Our last day.

Yeah, cool. See you Friday.

Why don't you take
all them extra clothes off now?

And where am I gonna put them?

The bags have all been checked in.

I knew that Spanish ham
would tip us over.

Sorry about that -
a few last-minute gifts.

(CONTENTS OF CARRIER BAG CLINK)

Oh, Pauline, no.

I thought that was all behind you.

For the girls in the office.
- Oh, good lass!

I think we're boarding.

No sign of Rubella, love?

No.

I'm sorry, son.

Well, it's her loss.

Thanks, Pauline.

Come on.

Got a plane to catch.

Geoff!

Geoffrey!

Ionela.

I can't believe you came.

Of course I came.

Where's your bag?
- I do not need a bag.

No, you're right.
Who cares about all that?

It's just stuff, right?

You remembered your passport?
- I do not need my passport.

You're right! Who cares about...

Actually, no,
you definitely do need a passport.

Geoffrey,

I thought about what you said -

about listening to my heart
and not my head.

I listened very carefully

and in the end I chose my heart.

And my heart tells me

that I want to stay

with my multi-millionaire
Russian husband.

And of course

my head agrees.

So...

why did you come to the airport?

To say goodbye.

But we said goodbye in Albir.

Did you have to run in
so dramatically?

I'm sorry.

Goodbye, Geoffrey.

Yeah.

See you later, Rubella.

Come on, son.

Time to go home.

She was too glamorous for you.

Too pretty.

And way too tall.

You do realise you're saying all
these things out loud, don't you?

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