All language subtitles for Benidorm s08e02.eng

It's from my dad. He's asking if
it's all right for him to join us.

You can tell that ignorant, selfish
inconsiderate savage you call a father

if he comes within 20 feet of me
or our children...

I will call the police.

So is that a yes or a no?

Why don't you have a paddle, Jodie?

I don't want to.
- Course she doesn't. She's been traumatised.

The more we go on about this, the more
frightened she'll be of going in the pool.

Our daughter is frightened of going in
the pool for one reason and one reason only.

Oh, give it a rest!
- Give it a rest? He tried to drown her!

Oh, as if he'd try and drown
his own granddaughter.

He just... shoved her in.
- Oh, well, then!

How many times? It was just
a slightly misjudged bit of fun.

Really. Well, I wonder what other
sort of fun he's got in store for us?

Anthrax in our dinner?
Mantraps in the bedroom?

You want your granddad to sit with us,
don't you, Jodie? Look, it's not funny!

I can't spend the holiday ignoring my own
father. He may as well not have come.

Well, at last we agree on something.
- Oh, I give up!

Where are you going?!
- What have I done?

Sorry. I didn't mean...

I'm off to sit somewhere
I can read my book in peace.

And don't worry. If my granddad attacks
me with a sunbed, I'll shout for backup

Ah, Les. You have no idea how good
it feels to be back in Benidorm.

So Madrid isn't
all it's cracked up to be.

Oh, Madrid is beautiful.
And the hotel I work in was amazing.

It is having five stars.
- Five star hotel?

Yes. The staff and guests were very...
How you say? Sophisticate.

But there was always
something missing.

The energy, the... excitement...

The honesty that is Benidorm.

The women wouldn't sleep with you,
would they?

Not one.

Can you tell me? What whisky do you have?
- Yeah. That one.

So you're back at Benidorm, young,
free and single.

I am... How do you say?
Giving the ladies a large girth.

I think what you mean is
a wide berth. Very wise.

Yes. Women have brought me
nothing but trouble.

Now is a time to work hard
and save money for my future.

Yep.

I'll have a large portion of that.
- Me, too...!

Good morning. I'm pleased to inform you,
after a successful trial yesterday,

Amber starts with us today
on a full-time basis.

Les you already know.
- Well done, pet.

This is Mateo. Quite harmless.

But if you have to touch him for any reason,
there is an antibacterial handwash under the bar

Excuse me?

I've been waiting for ten minutes
for a large whisky.

But of course. How else would one
ease oneself into the day at

10:35.

Mateo!
- Is he all right?

He's fine. He's just been living
in Madrid for the past year.

Come on, son. Off you pop.

Collect some empties.

Will somebody pour me
a large whisky, please?!

Large whisky coming up.

Morning.

You're up early.
- There they are!

Andi Peters
and Gordon the Gopher!

Gordon the Gopher wasn't with Andi Peters.
He was with Philip Schofield.

That's what people thought.
But that rodent was an absolute slut.

Oh no. I met him once. He was lovely!

He means Gordon the Gopher. Not Andi Peters.
- Did you change your flights?

Yeah. All changed. We're now officially
on holiday the whole week.

Yeah! Right. You go and grab three sunbeds
and I'll start switching things off in here.

OK.

Right.
Well, we'd better go off, then.

Ola...!
- Come on.

Long time, no see. How's it going?

You're obviously here cos Herbert
sent you. What's going on?

Oh, he's not gonna start charging me
rent, is he? We had an agreement.

Kenneth. Herbert's dead.
- What?

He died two weeks ago in a freak
hair-straightening accident.

Oh, my God!

This is the best holiday abroad
I've ever had.

When did you last go abroad?
- I've never been abroad. This is my first time.

Listen. There's an amazing beach
five minutes from here.

We can go there today, if you want.
- To be honest, bruv,

I'm just really enjoying the view
from here.

Mate... she is proper tidy.

I noticed that. She keeps putting
everything away after she's used it.

No, mate. I mean she's fit.
- Oh, God, yeah. She's fit as.

OK. Here's the deal. I've got 20 euros
that says I can get her number before you.

I don't understand.

I'm betting I can be the first
to get that girl's phone number.

Like a race.
- Who are you betting that with?

Why don't you bet with me?

I am betting with you!

All right. But I need to know
who the other bloke is first.

What other bloke? You are the other
bloke and the bloke I'm betting with.

Am I? Sweet! 20 euros.
- 20 euros.

Is there a prize?

What?
- Is there a prize for getting her number?

20 euros.

Oh, right. Does she know she has to
give the winner her number?

What do you think?
- I haven't got a clue.

You can say that again.

I called here three or four times
to tell you about Herbert.

But the salon was closed.

I assumed you must be on holiday.

Yeah. Yeah. I...

I had a little break.
First one in years.

You're just like Herbert.
A workaholic.

Yeah.
- That's why he left you the lot.

He's left me the salon in his will?
- Not just the salon.

The Club, his villa,

this salon... all the others.

What?
- You're a very rich man, Kenneth.

Hang on. There must be some mistake.

I love my Uncle Herbert.
I mean, I loved him.

But I hardly ever saw him.

Are you absolutely sure
he's left everything to me?

There is nobody else.

When we spoke about it,
he always said...

"There's only one person
who's family to me.

"And when I go... he'll get the lot."

O to the M to the F to the G!

The will reading's this afternoon.

Three o'clock in Herbert's office.

Kenneth.

I really need my job at the club.

I know this is a lot to take in.

But if you can see your way to
keeping me on...

I'd be eternally grateful.
- I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.
I'm a bloody millionaire!

Or maybe a job here.

I can make tea.

Odd jobs.
- You

You working here?
You're having a laugh.

I'm sorry, Norman.
I try to do my bit for charity.

But business is business.

And... you scaring away my pensioners
with that ugly mug of yours,

that would be very bad for business.

Oh, my God!

What am I gonna do
with all that money?

I'm rich! I'm rich
beyond my wildest dreams!

Drop the latch on the way out.

Hello, darling.
- Mummy says...

you can sit with us as long as you
promise not to try and kill me again.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, but...

You're gonna have to not speak in
that daft accent.

Else I can't understand you.

I said, you can sit with us if you
promise not to try and kill me again.

Oh, love.

I didn't try and kill you.

That's the way my granddad
taught me how to swim.

You want to try it in a dirty canal
wi' a gob full of frog spawn!

What?
- Never mind.

Shall I come and sit wi' you?
- Yeah.

OK, then.

Has your mam cheered up a bit?
- Yeah. She says she wants to dance.

Oh, that's a good sign.
- On your grave.

What does that mean?

Must've nodded off.

It's very quiet, isn't it?

It is now...

Where's Kenneth?
- He didn't come out in the end.

After all that carry-on,
asking us to stay on for the week...

he's not even sitting with us.
- Yeah.

Unless he and his friend have had an early
siesta, if you know what I mean...?

When I said a siesta,

what I actually meant...
- Jacqueline, I'm not being funny...

but I'm trying to read.
- Oh, sorry. I'll go back to sleep.

No. No, no. Don't do that.

Oh! For God's sake.

"Help me.
Stuck in street outside Solana."

Who's that from?
- Kenneth.

Well, are we gonna help him?
He might be stuck in a manhole.

Wouldn't be the first time!

Oh, all right. Come on, then.

Sorry, this is the third time you've cancelled. We
can't run a hotel with no qualified first-aiders.

I understand.
But we are in Benidorm.

And most of our clientele are a sausage
bap away from a cardiac arrest.

Oh, don't bother! I'll just have to
sort things out myself, as usual!

There is a problem,
Miss Temple-Savage?

Yes, there is a problem.
Due to our high turnover of staff,

I realised weeks ago that we have
no first-aiders, which is illegal.

So I booked a first aid course.

But it's the third time they've cancelled.
- You need someone to show first aid?

I can do this.

I don't mean a quick mouth to mouth
on your pick of the female staff,

I need a fully qualified
first-aider.

Yes. I am quali fullified.

In my hotel in Madrid,

I took a course
to teach others first aid.

Really, Miss Temple-Savage.
I have a sticky foot.

Sticky foot?

What's that?
- The paper to say I have the first aids.

Certificate!
You mean you have a certificate.

Yes. It's what I'm saying.

The last thing I need is...

What on earth is going on out there?

Ooh! Is that you, Kenneth?
Are you all right?

Of course I'm not all right!

Are you stuck?
- No, I'm just testing my horn...!

Oh. Right.
- Where are you going?!

Course I'm bloody stuck!

What on earth is going on?
- It's Kenneth. He's stuck.

I didn't know he had a car.
Things can't be that bad.

Very sporty.

I bet it goes fast.
- With Kenneth in it, I'm not so sure...

Will you stop your frigging chitchat
and help me to get out!

Mateo, help him!
- You need to grease him.

I might have something in my case.

God! My contents!
- Hey! I never touched you. It was probably him.

Mateo, will you get off
the pavement and come inside?

I have got a hotel to run, you know.
- You're welcome!

Welcome? You nearly broke my bloody back!
- What the hell's going on?

And what are you doing dressed like that?
- Between you and me, love,

I'm about to come into
an awful lot of money.

Excuse me, mate.
- Yes, young'un.

The girl with the blonde hair?
What's her name?

That's Amber.

Can you give her this, please?

Sorry, pal. I'm not allowed
to do that. I could lose my job.

Oh!

Tell you what. Just leave it
there and I'll tip her the wink.

What? Do you fancy her as well?

No. I just mean...
I'll let her know it's here.

Oh. Right. OK. Sweet. Thanks.
- Nae bother.

What?
- No problem.

Where are you going?

It's time to wrap this competition up
if you've stopped fannying around.

I'm not fannying around.
- What is it?

I can't say. A young lad left it
for you. Just there, on the bar.

Did you get the number?
- Not yet.

Stand aside, bruv.

Just what I always wanted...

All right... Amber?

I'm Tiger.
- Hello, Tiger. What would you like?

Well, I wouldn't mind your phone
number, for a start.

Very funny.
Now, what can I get you to drink?

Just a... beer... please.

Here you go.

Why won't you give me your phone number?
Have you got something against nice guys?

Enjoy your beer, Mr Nice Guy.

Nice one!

Game over, my friend.
- You didn't get it?

Oh, yes.
That's 20 euros you owe me.

Shut up! I left her my number,
so she still might call me.

Mate, the bet was the first person
to get her number. And that person is me.

What are you doing?
- I'm texting her.

O to the G to the M!
She texted me!

"Thanks for your number.
You are so fit, Mr Nice Guy."

Oh, you complete dick!

What?
- Did you leave your number on a napkin?

Yeah. Why?

What do you mean, why?!
Give me your phone.

Why have you got no names in
your phone contacts?

I prefer to have all my contacts written
down on a piece of paper in my bag.

In case I lose my phone.

Another message.

"Can't talk while I'm working,

"but I really like guys who
swim in their clothes. Will you?"

Oh, my days! I'm so in there!

Swim in your clothes?

Oh, she's crazy.
You're not gonna do it, are you?

Mate. He who calls the piper
plays the tune.

Yes. I am.

Oh, man.
Today is gonna be a good day.

Well, I must say, it's nice to be back
in the bosom of a loving family.

Anyone we know?

I've always said it's pointless
bearing a grudge.

Life's too short, in't it?

Some are short. While other people's lives
just seem to go on and on and on.

Are you gonna have
a go on the karaoke tonight, Jo?

We'd better check if your granddad has
any more phantom heart attacks planned

before we decide what to do
this evening.

I'm gonna sing
Let It Go from Frozen.

Oh. Let It Go. That's a good idea.

You could join in with that,
Sheron...!

Will the pair of you
just leave it?!

All I'm saying is, considering we're
gonna be seeing a lot more of each other,

it's probably best if we make
the effort now to get along.

Right. I'm gonna back one out.

That Spanish bacon
has got a mind of its own.

What does he mean... we're going to
be seeing a lot more of each other?

Dunno. Probably just means
the rest of the holiday.

OK, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure
today to give you the first aids.

In today's course,
I will be showing you how to

make someone alive
when they are dead.

And how to squeeze people when they
are choking on their sausage.

OK. First of all, if you find
a holidaymaker who has died,

they will look something like this.

They will of course be fatter,
but this is all the poof I had.

So. First, we have to make
the heart of the person start again.

Do not worry. This will not happen
to you with a real person.

I could make a joke now about a girl
in a bikini going down on me...

But since this is a serious subject,
I will not be doing this.

Come on, man. This is ridiculous!
- Excuse me, Les.

I'm only halfway through.
I now have to show you how to stop

a drunk person from
choking on their sausage.

It is called the Heineken Manoeuvre.
May I please have a volunteer?

No, Miguel. Put down your hand.

Perhaps Amber, you would like to
choke on my sausage?

I think we both know the answer to that!

OK. Would you please hurry?
Time is of the effluence.

That was actually a no from me.

It was?

OK, Miguel. Come here.

OK. Look at them, not me.

Let us be imagining that Miguel
is having trouble with his sausage.

First... we make a position...
behind the victim.

And put your arms around
just above his waist.

You are then needing to pump him
as hard as you can.

God!
He's choking on his own sausage!

Mateo, are you all right?
- Big breaths, pal. Big breaths.

Thank you for your kind attentions,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is the extermination of...
today's demonstrations.

I can manage.

I don't know why you got a taxi.
You could've come with me.

You can barely fit in that car
yourself.

Yeah. It is a bit small. But it's only hired. And
now I can look for something more substantial.

I've always fancied something
big and German.

Shouldn't you wait and see how much
you've been left before you splash it about?

Oh, look. We haven't all got
combination locks on our wallets!

Live for the day.
You're a long time dead.

Hear, hear! As my Donald always said,

grasp the nettle with both hands.

Talking of which, come on.
We're late.

Hey, I'm not tight!

I'm just... careful.

There you go, young'un.

One orange juice, fresh from the carton.
- Thanks.

Is it all right if I take my break now, Les?
- Course it is. Take your time.

Any good?
- Sorry?

Your book.
- Oh!

Animal Farm. Do you know it?

Oh! I saw a bit of the video when I was
working on the oil rigs in the early '80s.

Ooh! You've a stronger stomach
than me, lad.

Another large one in there, por favor.
- Aye, nae bother.

Animal Farm? I bet
it's not as good as the video.

Listen, son. I need your help.

Yeah, I think a few people
round here need help.

Thank you.

I need you to drop into
the conversation at some point...

that I'm coming to live with you.

What?
- Do you mean your dad hasn't told you?

No.

I thought it were
just your mother he'd not told.

You're coming to live with us?

Yeah.
- When?

Straight after this holiday.

Where will you sleep?

I thought I were getting your room.
Aren't you off to college?

University. And I'm not going
until October.

Well, we can muck in.

So, if you could drop the hint
at some point...

Granddad.

I think this might be better
coming from you.

Really?
- Yeah. Really.

OK. You might be right.

I'll tell her tonight
after a few drinks,

when she's feeling a bit more er...

Violent?
- Relaxed.

♪ How to handle a woman

♪ There's a way, said a wise old man

♪ A way known by every woman... ♪

Is something wrong with him?
- Not right now, but...

Ask me again tonight...

As solicitor... executor...

and friend... of Herman...

You happen to be very late.

Sorry.
- Sorry.

Sorry.

"I... Herbert Lionel DiCaprio...
the third... declare this to be

"my last will and testicle."

Did I just say... testicle?

I do apologise.

Here we go.

"To Rodrigo... my head stylist...

"and personal masseur I leave...

"100,000 euros."

Order!

Order, order! I will have order!

As I was saying,

"To Rodrigo, I leave 100 euros."

You said 100,000 a minute ago.

Shut up! Now. No.

You're quite right.
"100,000 euros...

"and my infamous gold scissors.

"To Jordan Rivers."
Is Jordan Rivers here?

"The best drag queen in Benidorm."

Yeah, that's open to debate...

"I leave my collection of toupees...

and my mother's recipe for schkou..."

Schkou... Heaven knows
what the blazes that is.

It's scouse! Come on. Get to the good bit!
- Do you mind?

"Everything else - my villa, cars...

"all 14 hairdressing salons...

"Benidorm nightclub...

"and entire savings and shares
in DiCaprio Holdings...

"I devise, bequeath and give...

"to the one person who's been...
like a son to me.

"Although our relationship
has often been distant...

"the unspoken love
and bond between us...

"has always been there.

"The person to whom I refer and
bequeath my entire estate...

"as per appendix one...

"is, naturally,

"of course... none other than

"Norman Sagen!

"Also affectionately known as Norman
the Dormouse... Doorman."

Norman the Doorman!

Oh... my... flipping... God!

How long did she say
for you to sit like that?

She said she's gonna
text me again soon.

I think she's taking the rise
out of you, mate.

You've gotta understand, Tige.

Some girls are strange.

I once went out of this girl who got really
turned on when I topped up her mobile.

You what?
- Yeah.

She used to get really horny if I
put a fiver on her pay as you go.

And if I put a tenner on it,
oh... my... days!

So the more money you put on her
phone the better she was in the sack?

I don't know about that.
We never met.

She lived in Nigeria.

"Those straws in your ears look hot.
But can you fit more in?

"Also, tonight, can you wear
a mankini in Neptune's?'

"It will drive me crazy."

The thing that
I don't understand is...

I've had four texts from her
in the last fifteen mins.

But I've been watching her.

And she ain't picked up
her mobile once.

Tiger.
- Yes, mate?

Do me a favour.

Sorry, mate. I wondered when you'd realise.
- Get us a few more straws from the bar.

And see if you can find one of them mankinis
from that shop just outside the hotel.

However she's sending these texts,

she deserves everything... she wants.

Oh, mate. Believe me -
it will be my pleasure.

Can't believe it. Won and lost a
fortune in the space of a few hours.

Well, technically,
you never actually won it.

A life of luxury
snatched from under my nose.

It's hard to miss what you never had.

So close...

yet so far.

You didn't fit in that car anyway.

Oh, shut up while I'm trying
to feel sorry for myself!

Hey. Don't take it out on Jacqueline. It's not
her fault your uncle didn't leave you a penny -

to scrunch your ass with.

Oh, here we go.
Rub it in, why don't you!

Go away!

Hello, Kenneth.

You left a bit sharpish.

We'd better
get ready for tonight.

Yeah, come on.
I've gotta put my face on.

Put my hair in a topknot...

It's funny how a few hours can
change someone's life.

Isn't it, Kenneth?
- Not for me.

I'm in exactly the same position
as I was in this morning.

Well... not quite.

What's this?
- It's a bit of business from your new landlord.

Me.

I've done you a very tasty deal,
I reckon.

13,000 euros?! Is this a joke?
- No, Kenneth. It's business.

Of course, I could've waited until tomorrow
to bring you this but, as you said...

Wouldn't wanna scare your
pensioners with my ugly mug.

That'd be very bad... for business.

You've got 28 days to pay.

It's the least I could do.

After all...
we're practically family.

Oh, yeah.

You left before the solicitor
could give you this.

You never know.

It might be stuffed with
100 euro notes.

28 days, Kenneth.

I don't believe it.

I'm finished.

Unless...

I can't believe
you still haven't opened it.

I don't know what's inside.
- That is why she's saying to open it!

It's obvious what it is. It's money.

He's left you cash so you don't
have to pay any tax on it.

That would make sense.
- Give us it here. I'll open it.

Hang on a minute!

I think I need a large gin first.

If it's all right with you, I'll just be dressing as
Lesley during the evenings, not during the day.

Going full-time
seemed a good idea at first.

But it's kinda... taken all the pleasure
out of it and made it a bit of a chore.

Plus... I can't fit a towel
on a radiator at home

for all the drying bras.

I've always said you can come to work dressed as
Frankenstein's monster, as long as you do your job.

Oh, sorry. That's not what
you've come as tonight, is it?

Eleven hours!

I beg your pardon?
- Eleven hours!

We went on your paintballing trip
this morning.

We were out... for eleven... hours!

I always say you should never put
a time limit on enjoying yourself.

And, judging by your breath, you obviously didn't.
-What?

All right, I've had a drink.

But when you pay to go on a trip, you kind
of expect that you're gonna bring us all back!

This is absolutely ridiculous!

They wouldn't let us on the coach and
now they won't let us in our rooms!

They used gloss paint!
- What?!

What kind of dickhead uses gloss
paint at a paintballing match?

And there wasn't anybody else there.
We just shot at each other.

Have you seen my mother?

Why? Do you think I should?

Because there were only three of us,
the man who cleans the guns joined in.

Nobody told us he was a
psychologically damaged war veteran!

It was like a scene from
American Sniper!

She... is a senior citizen!

Not a skirting board!

It's not her fault
she's slow on her feet.

That lunatic... singled my mother out
like the runt of a litter.

It was disgusting!

I'm sorry?
-How many times? They won't let us into our rooms!

It's taken us a four mile walk
and two trains... and five buses,

standing all the way, cos they
wouldn't let us sit on the seats.

And now... they won't
let us into our rooms!

If you'd like to come with me...

You like this place so much
that you cannot keep away, huh?

It's not the place
I'm interested in. It's you.

OK! Now we are talking turkeys.

It was only a matter of time,
I guess.

Don't flatter yourself, Mateo.
It's purely business.

Oh. You came.

I was gonna have a word with Mateo,
but it's been quite busy.

What is going on?

I wanted to have a word about your
first aid course this afternoon.

How much did you get paid?
- I am sorry.

I am not allowed to be in discussions
with matter of financial persuasions.

200 euros.
- How do you know this?

You've not stopped bragging about it all night.
- Oh, Yes.

So, there were ten people
on your... course.

I reckon that's 20 euros each to keep
our traps shut on what a farce it was.

What? You cannot be
blacking my mail like this.

No problem. Lesley.

Where did Joyce go? Let's see
what she has to say about it?

OK! OK.

Take the money.
- Thanks.

And I'm gonna do a first aid session
for the same people in our own time.

So we're actually doing you a favour.
- Doing me a favour?

I am out of pocket. It cost me
10 euros to buy that blowup doll.

Yeah, right. Like you didn't
have that already...!

Yes, pet.

You've gotta give her credit.
She hasn't even looked at me once.

She's good.

Though, you'd think she'd at least wink when you
did 100 press-ups in the Fred Flintstone playground.

I wouldn't have seen it anyway. I went a bit dizzy
and couldn't see anything for the next 20 minutes.

Ooh! Here we go again.

Great. If you can tell Marie
you've got 20 euros,

I will text Jose and Gregorio.

But remember - big secret. We
don't wanna get Mateo into trouble.

OK.
- OK.

Lola?

You've been texting a lot today.

Yeah, yeah. My old man. You know how
he likes to know what's going on.

Tell him about Amber and the texting.
He won't believe it.

No. He won't.

That took a long time, considering
it only came from over there.

Oh, my days! You're not gonna
believe what she wants me to do now!

Sing her a karaoke song
and strip naked?

Yeah! How did you know that?
- Lucky guess.

Anything... for you.

That your dad again?
- Yeah.

Thank you to Jonathan,
Benidorm's original Motown singer.

We'll have more from him later.

But first, it's time to hear
from your good selves.

It's karaoke time!

First, a young lady who I hear would like to be
a professional singer when she grows up.

So let's hear it
for a star of tomorrow.

Jodie Dawson!

Jodie!
- Come on, Jodie!

Remember to smile.
And don't forget to breathe.

Christ! She can't be much of a
singer if she forgets to breathe.

Dad! For God's sake.

I'm just saying.

♪ The snow glows white
on the mountain tonight

♪ Not a footprint to be seen

♪ A kingdom of isolation

♪ And it looks like I'm the queen

Er... Mateo.

Yes, Miss Temple-Savage.
- A word about the first aid course today.

There's a slight problem.
- A problem?

Really?
- Yes. The man who was supposed to do our course

was also supposed to do
The Belroy and The Flamingo.

But it looks like he'll be off
all week. Can you do those too?

Two more courses?

Mm.
- I don't think so, Miss Temple-Savage.

I think you were right.
There is... a problem.

It would be another 400 euros.

When do they want me?

♪ Let it go, let it go

♪ You'll never see me cry

♪ Here I stand... ♪

Sorry, this is doing my head in.
- You're telling me.

If she's a professional singer, I can't wait
for my modelling contract to come through.

Not her! I mean us!

Just sitting here staring at
that bloody parcel.

Get your grubby paws off!

You might be a millionaire.

Well, if I'm not, I'll be on that plane back
with you two at the end of the week.

You're serious? You'd come home?
But you love it here.

I could barely make ends meet
when I was working rent-free.

I just have to admit it. I haven't
got the money to start from scratch.

Unless..

Oh, go on! I'm so excited!

It's like Christmas!

Donald always used to tease me on
Christmas Eve with a massive package.

Well? What is it?

What's he left you?

He's left me his bloody teeth!

♪ Here I stand

♪ And here I'll stay

♪ Let the storm rage on

♪ The cold never bothered me
anyway ♪

Is she still singing?

Oh, come on, darling.
- Well, the talent doesn't stop there.

Ladies and gentlemen, next,
if your ears can take it, we have Joey.

Go on, Joey!

This is for a certain little lady
who I've been chatting to today.

You know who you are.

♪ When I walk on by,
girls look at me like, damn, he fly

♪ I pimp to the beat, walking down
the street, with my new lafreak, yeah

♪ This is how I roll, animal print,
pants out of control... ♪

It wasn't your fault, darling.
- It sounded rubbish!

It was their fault, not yours.

It was in the wrong key. Ask the DJ if
he's got any other versions next time.

You know what you need, don't you, Jodie.
- What?

Dad!
- You need a professional karaoke setup.

You know, with a microphone
and a speaker and... a little telly -

...with the words on, the lot!
- Yeah...!

Do you know how much they cost?
- 400 quid.

That's what I've just paid for one.

What do you need a karaoke machine for?
- For my lovely little granddaughter.

Are you serious, Granddad?
- It gets delivered the day we get back.

I love you.
- Come here.

I'm going to be saving that much
money, coming to live with you,

I thought there's no point that money
just sitting there in t'bank.

I beg your pardon?
- Same again, is it?

That was a good idea of yours, son.

She seems to have taken it
quite well.

Thee is no way on Earth
that man is coming into my house!

I'll tell you right now, if he moves in, I'm
moving out. And I'm taking the kids with me!

Do you understand?
- Right.

I am going to get
absolutely hammered.

Sod Herbert and his sodding teeth.

Sod the Solana and sod Blow 'N Go.

I'll down this and get off
into the old town.

There is a way of staying here.
- Why would I wanna stay here?

Weak beer and old people
farting along to karaoke.

No. In exactly 20 minutes, I shall be hanging upside
down in the Bears Bar like a spatchcock chicken.

This'll just be a distant memory.
- No, I mean a way of keeping the salon.

No. I'm not going thousands into debt just
to do half a dozen blue rinses every week.

We've got a business proposal.

You what?
- Me and Jacqueline.

What do you mean?
- I want to expand in Europe.

Well, there's treacle pudding and custard on the
menu. Get a couple of them down your neck.

You know what I mean.

I don't want your money.
- Good, cos I'm not giving it you.

I want to take over the lease
of Blow 'N Go.

What about me?!
- Well, you stay on.

As equal third partner
and head stylist.

And I'm guessing
you're the other third.

I'm gonna be more a sleeping partner.
- Why doesn't that surprise me...?

Well?
- How's this gonna work?

Are you moving to Spain?

Course not.
I've still got the salon back home.

I'd come out every few weeks, have a few days
in the sun, and see how everything's going.

What about Gavin?

Well, that's obvious.

I've not mentioned him
since we got here. We split up.

Again!
- No. This is it.

I need a fresh start.
What do you say?

I say... let's first drink to you
being a single man.

No, I don't wanna do that. I still
have a lot of respect for Gavin.

You've gotta be
the only one who does.

Fat, whingeing cow.
Ding-dong, the witch is dead!

We can all talk about it tomorrow.
Are you still going to the old town?

♪ I'm sexy and I know it

No, I don't think I'll bother.
- Check it out!

Things seem to be hotting up here
very nicely.

♪ Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah
wiggle, wiggle wiggle, yeah

♪ Wiggle wiggle, wiggle, yeah

♪ Wiggle, yeah, do a wiggle, man

♪ Wiggle, man

Yeah!
- That is exactly...

why I'm looking for a man,
not a boy.

No!

I've done everything you've asked me,
Amber.

Now... can we have a date?

Oh no... that's right!

You said... strip naked.

No! No, Joey! Don't do it!
It was me!

It was me. It was me.
It was me all along.

Get them out of here!

What are you doing!
Come on, you two. Out. Get out!

What are you playing at?
Get 'em outside!

You've hurt me!
Tiger, you've hurt me!

I thought those two were a couple.

Aw! It could bring
a tear to a glass eye.

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