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1
00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:03,720
(WIND WHISTLES)
2
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:13,760
(SIGHS)
3
00:00:23,00 --> 00:00:24,480
BARBARA: I’ve heard
of a shotgun wedding,
4
00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:25,760
but this is ridiculous!
5
00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:27,120
Hold still!
6
00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:28,840
(BANGING UPSTAIRS)
7
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,720
Oh, my God, what's that?
8
00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:33,720
David must be having trouble
with his cufflinks.
9
00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:35,160
They're very fiddly,
10
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,320
and | haven't
clipped his nails yet.
11
00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:38,920
- (ROARING UPSTAIRS)
- Now, then,
12
00:00:39,40 --> 00:00:42,40
that’s the something borrowed.
13
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:43,480
For something new,
14
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:46,80
you've got your new hairdo.
15
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:49,840
Over here,
we’ve brought you someone old.
16
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,440
Er, shouldn’t that be
some thing old?
17
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:53,560
Oh, dear.
18
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:54,960
Does that mean...?
19
00:00:55,80 --> 00:00:56,720
(SHOP BELL RINGS)
20
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:00,760
Here we go, Tubbs!
21
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:02,720
Someone blue!
22
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:07,720
(SIREN WAILS)
23
00:01:58,200 --> 00:01:59,200
(CROWD JEERS)
24
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:02,320
You're going to have to talk
with them, sir.
25
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:03,960
Fuck off!
26
00:02:04,80 --> 00:02:06,400
People are dying.
They want answers.
27
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:08,280
Bollocks!
Send Juliet Bravo down there.
28
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,00
I'm staying put.
29
00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,40
We've had a tip-off
about who might be behind it.
30
00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:14,600
I'm, uh, sending two of me
best officers to investigate.
31
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,800
Get these bastards off my back.
32
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:21,480
What we need
is a little divertissement.
33
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:22,920
What's she say?
34
00:02:23,40 --> 00:02:24,560
Something
to take their minds off it.
35
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:27,560
Alice?
36
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,40
Yeah. What was the name
of that theatre company
37
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:31,560
come here last year?
38
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,440
Legz Akimbo!
39
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,840
We're actors!
We demand to be let through!
40
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:40,680
Just drive into them, Dave.
They can't stop theatre.
41
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,920
Good girl, Heinz. Well done.
42
00:02:48,40 --> 00:02:49,640
Ready for the off, eh?
43
00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:52,560
That wing's fixed up nicely,
ain't it, Vet'nary?
44
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,440
Yes. Any voles or mice
out there in the field
45
00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,720
had better watch out.
She's as right as ninepence.
46
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:02,00
Now, | know you two have become
rather attached, John.
47
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:03,160
| think it's only fitting
48
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,240
that you be the one
to give Heinz her freedom.
49
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,720
Now, I've, er, given her
an extra-long leash.
50
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,680
Bit longer than regulations
strictly allow
51
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,360
but | thought we'd let her
get the feel the wind
52
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,440
beneath her wings
before we let her go.
53
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:16,920
I'll just call the sanctuary,
54
00:03:17,40 --> 00:03:18,520
get the all-clear
for the release.
55
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,680
Well, this is it, lass.
56
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,880
I'm going to miss you.
57
00:03:26,00 --> 00:03:27,800
You've been
a right good friend.
58
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:30,120
- Hello, Jean.
- (BIRD SCREECHES)
59
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:31,480
No, it's all going swimmingly.
60
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,240
(SCREECHING)
61
00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:35,720
He's here. Do you want a word?
62
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,40
(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)
63
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:44,960
What?
64
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,400
Yes.
65
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,600
Yes, | think we will
have trouble separating them.
66
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:00,760
lris?
67
00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:03,960
Oh, hello, Mrs Levinson.
What a lovely surprise!
68
00:04:04,80 --> 00:04:05,480
Well, | wouldn’t normally
come in here, as you know,
69
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:06,840
but | wanted to remind you
to come round
70
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:08,160
and wash the bedding
this afternoon.
71
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:09,720
Yes, Mrs L.
72
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,840
Now, do you have retsina, Iris?
73
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,00
No, I'm just tired.
74
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,640
Never mind. | only popped in
for a few essentials.
75
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:20,200
My cabinet's become
oddly depleted of late.
76
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,920
Not the usual, mind.
Rather the stuff at the back.
77
00:04:23,40 --> 00:04:24,800
Cooking sherry,
banana Bols,
78
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,200
even that bottle of advocaat
that Eddie bought on holiday.
79
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:28,400
No?!
80
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:30,160
It’s a shame
not everyone is as discerning
81
00:04:30,280 --> 00:04:32,760
in their drinking habits
as Eddie and |, isn't it, Iris?
82
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:34,880
| don't know what you mean,
Mrs Levinson.
83
00:04:35,00 --> 00:04:37,40
Oh, I've seen some of
the people on your estate,
84
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:38,800
staggering round the car park
of the Chained Bull
85
00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:40,600
on a Saturday afternoon,
half cut,
86
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,640
with the backs of their skirts
tucked in their knickers.
87
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,760
Well, girls just wanna
have fun!
88
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:46,240
Of course,
it's a slippery slope
89
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,520
from there, isn’t it?
Diamond White for breakfast,
90
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,200
making a pass
at your son’s best friend,
91
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:51,920
waking up in a strange bed
92
00:04:52,40 --> 00:04:53,840
with a lorry driver
from Wetherby.
93
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,200
Halifax.
94
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:57,200
And before you know it,
95
00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:58,840
you're slumped
by the war memorial
96
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,80
in a pool of your own pee,
97
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,280
singing Lady Marmalade
at the top of your voice,
98
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:03,560
never thinking your employer
99
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:06,440
might be driving past
on her way to the sauna.
100
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,400
£32.50, please.
101
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:11,880
And you won't forget
to hang the bedding out to dry,
102
00:05:12,00 --> 00:05:13,120
will you, Iris?
103
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,400
Three sheets to the wind's
your speciality.
104
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:17,840
Yes, Mrs Levinson.
105
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:21,400
(ANGRY CLAMOUR)
106
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,80
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC)
107
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,360
You must understand...
108
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,440
...my feelings for you
haven't changed
109
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:42,880
since the day we met.
110
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:45,400
But | can't stay.
111
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:46,800
(CROWD SHOUTS OUTSIDE)
112
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:51,560
(SHOUTING)
113
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:58,520
Not now.
114
00:06:01,80 --> 00:06:02,560
You'll be all right, won't you?
115
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:08,400
VAL: He's gone!
116
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:09,720
HARVEY:
This lock's been forced!
117
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,200
We must find him, Harvey.
118
00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:14,160
He can't have gone far.
I'm sure that...
119
00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:15,440
Ohh!
120
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,80
Oh... Oh!
121
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:19,320
Oh!
122
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:23,920
(PANICKED WHIMPERING)
123
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,00
| don't like this, Harvey.
124
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:37,880
No! No!
125
00:06:38,00 --> 00:06:41,00
| must clean it up, Val!
| must!
126
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:44,840
(VAL WHIMPERS)
127
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:51,440
(TOAD CROAKS)
128
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,640
What fresh hell is this?
129
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:01,400
Oh...
130
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:04,920
Good afternoon.
131
00:07:07,40 --> 00:07:09,240
- Benjamin!
- What are you doing?
132
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:11,800
| might ask you
the same question.
133
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:13,880
- Give that to me!
- Uh, uh, uh!
134
00:07:14,00 --> 00:07:15,720
(CROAKING)
135
00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:17,00
Damn!
136
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,320
Hoist by my own pet toads!
137
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:23,80
Benjamin,
why are you doing this?
138
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,840
Your plan to keep me here
as some kind of pet!
139
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,800
Where's your evidence?
140
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,400
Is this true, Harvey?
141
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,600
The boy would have been
happy here!
142
00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,160
He has everything
a growing boy requires.
143
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:40,720
Urgh!
144
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:42,280
You're insane!
145
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,600
And I've got you now,
just where | want you.
146
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:45,640
(GUN CLICKS)
147
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,00
BOTH: Don't move, Benjamin,
148
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:49,920
or you're a dead man.
149
00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:56,160
- Stop! Come here!
- Come back here!
150
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:58,840
REENIE: Right,
we're all clear upstairs, dear.
151
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,200
- VINNIE: All clear?
- REENIE: Yeah, all locked up.
152
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:03,640
When are you next in, dear?
Thursday, is it?
153
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:04,960
Oh, no, | don’t do Thursdays.
154
00:08:05,80 --> 00:08:06,120
What’s that?
You don’t do Thursdays?
155
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:09,160
No, I’m away on Thursdays.
That Merrill does Thursdays.
156
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,640
Ooh, not that Merrill!
157
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:11,920
Yeah, never does the book,
you know!
158
00:08:12,40 --> 00:08:13,120
- She never does the book?
- No!
159
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:14,320
I’m forever doing the book
on a Friday.
160
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:15,640
That Merrill!
161
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,40
She was with the Spastics,
you know.
162
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:18,200
- She wasn't.
- Oh, yeah,
163
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:19,400
three years with the Spastics.
164
00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:21,440
Yeah, well, | know for a fact
that Sue Ryder wouldn't...
165
00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:23,880
Oh, no, we're closed, dear!
166
00:08:24,00 --> 00:08:26,120
We’re closing up, dear.
It’s too dangerous!
167
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:27,560
Well, I've only come
to collect a bag.
168
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,520
When did you buy this bag,
dear?
169
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,200
| think it was on Thursday.
170
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:32,680
Thursday?
171
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,400
BOTH: That Merrill!
172
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:37,320
The lady that served you,
did she have a lazy eye, dear?
173
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,240
Like an egg, dear.
Shrivelled up, milky?
174
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:40,840
- She might have done.
- She did!
175
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:41,960
Well, the lady said
176
00:08:42,80 --> 00:08:43,680
she’ll keep it
behind the counter for me.
177
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:45,160
What, down here, is it?
178
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:48,720
You see,
we won't work Thursdays, dear.
179
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,840
We're i// on Thursdays.
180
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,00
Is this it, dear?
181
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:54,280
Yes! This is the bag!
182
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:56,80
Right, well, | shall
have to put it in the book.
183
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:57,200
That Merrill!
184
00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:59,520
I'll go and fetch you a bag
for it. Need a big bag.
185
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:00,960
- There's a bag here, dear.
- What's that?
186
00:09:01,80 --> 00:09:02,120
There's a bag here in the bag!
187
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:03,240
It must be that Merrill!
188
00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:05,320
She's put a bag in a bag
to take a bag out in!
189
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,760
Well, will it fit, will it?
She makes me sick!
190
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:08,720
She'll put a bag in a bag
191
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:09,880
but she won't put the bag
in the book!
192
00:09:10,00 --> 00:09:10,920
That Merrill!
193
00:09:11,40 --> 00:09:12,280
I’m not bothered about the bag.
194
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,280
You may as well take it now,
dear. You've paid for it!
195
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:15,760
| mean,
I'll take the leather bag,
196
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,720
but I'm not bothered
about this bag!
197
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:18,920
Well, which bag
is it you want, then?
198
00:09:19,40 --> 00:09:20,640
No, dear, she's bought this bag
199
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,120
but she doesn't want
the bag for it!
200
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:23,280
There's no need to be rude,
dear.
201
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:24,880
- I'm not being rude, dear.
- You are rude, dear.
202
00:09:25,00 --> 00:09:25,920
- I'm not.
- If you don't mind,
203
00:09:26,40 --> 00:09:27,400
I'll just take this bag.
204
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:29,120
Right, all right, £4, please.
205
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:30,520
| paid the other lady.
206
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,00
What, this lady?
You got the £4, dear?
207
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:33,840
Not me, dear! Merrill!
208
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,520
That Merrill!
It's not in the book!
209
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:36,920
Well, just put
"one leather bag".
210
00:09:37,40 --> 00:09:38,560
- "Leather bag," yes.
- "Thursday."
211
00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:39,840
- "Thursday," yes.
_ "pa"
212
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:40,880
"£4," yes.
213
00:09:41,00 --> 00:09:42,440
- That Merrill!
- She makes me sick!
214
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:43,480
(THUMPS DESk)
215
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,320
- (SIRENS WAIL)
- (SHOUTING)
216
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:50,640
Have you found out
what it is yet?
217
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,280
Agh! Oh!
218
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,280
POLICEMAN: Right,
now for the husband.
219
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,400
(SIREN WAILS)
220
00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:06,120
MAN OUTSIDE:
Open up! It's the police!
221
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:12,720
Mr Evans?! Gol!
222
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,720
Mr Briss! Hilary Briss?!
223
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,40
- What about the wife?
- Yeah. Go!
224
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:38,520
Mrs Briss?
225
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,00
(MOOS)
226
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,120
(ALL COUGH)
227
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:50,320
Repeat after me.
228
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:53,40
|, Barbara Dickson...
229
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,120
|, Barbara Dickson...
230
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:58,320
...take thee,
David Charles Tattsyrup...
231
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,280
...take thee,
Charles David Tattsyrup...
232
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,680
...to be
my local wedded husband.
233
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,480
...to be
my local wedded husband...
234
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:07,760
...to have in the shop...
235
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:09,520
...to have in the shop...
236
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:13,320
...for ever and ever and ever.
237
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,360
...for ever and ever and ever.
238
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:17,520
Oh!
239
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:18,640
David...
240
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,40
... repeat after me.
241
00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:24,720
|, David Charles Tattsyrup...
242
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,40
(GRUNTING AND SNARLING)
243
00:11:28,00 --> 00:11:29,440
(LOW CHATTER)
244
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,760
(SNEEZING AND COUGHING)
245
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,320
I'm waiting for silence!
246
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:38,480
(CHATTER STOPS)
247
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:39,840
Thanks.
248
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,560
Good afternoon. We are
Legz Akimbo Theatre Company
249
00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:44,400
and we've been invited here
this afternoon
250
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:45,600
to cheer you all up a bit
251
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,200
by doing
some community theatre.
252
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:50,00
Now,
"What's community theatre?"
253
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,880
Well...you lot
are a community -
254
00:11:53,00 --> 00:11:54,880
or you were
until you all started dying -
255
00:11:55,00 --> 00:11:56,760
and we are the theatre.
256
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,160
So it's community...theatre.
257
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:02,440
And the play we're going to
perform for you today
258
00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:04,160
is called No Home 4 Johnny,
259
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,880
and it's for and about...
260
00:12:07,00 --> 00:12:10,520
... you lot. Homeless...ness.
261
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:13,120
- Phil.
- Yeah.
262
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:14,320
Now, before we start the play,
263
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:16,560
we're going to do an exercise
called Hot Seat.
264
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:17,760
This is the Hot Seat.
265
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,80
- What we mean by this...
- (COUGHING)
266
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,160
Sorry, uh, yeah,
Coughers' Union!
267
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,160
Do you want to do that outside?
268
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:24,880
It's just that
we've got a contract here today
269
00:12:25,00 --> 00:12:26,680
and if you speak or you cough,
270
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,560
you sort of break the contract.
271
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:29,760
So don't!
272
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:32,560
Sorry, Phil.
273
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:33,960
Yeah, we're going
to do some Hot-Seating.
274
00:12:34,80 --> 00:12:35,360
What happens there
is we plonk a character
275
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,120
down here in the Hot Seat,
and you can ask him
276
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:38,960
all sorts of questions
about his life.
277
00:12:39,80 --> 00:12:40,600
So I'm going to ask Dave
to choose
278
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,360
one of his characters
from the play.
279
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:43,400
Great. Which one?
280
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:44,440
Any one. They're all the same.
281
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,00
- Ollie!
- Well, you know what | mean.
282
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,640
They're all of a type.
Have acrack at Hobo Two.
283
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,160
- Yeah, I'm Hobo One!
- Yeah, Whatever.
284
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:52,520
In your own time.
285
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,160
(SPLUTTERS)
286
00:13:00,80 --> 00:13:01,320
Any questions?
287
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:06,400
- Phil.
- What's your name?
288
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:07,360
Hobo Two.
289
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,120
- One.
- One! One.
290
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:12,400
Where do you live?
291
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:14,600
Nowhere.
292
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:15,840
Where do you want to live?
293
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,240
House. (GRUNTS)
294
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,240
Have you thought about
putting your name down
295
00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:22,840
on local, erm, housing list?
Or at least
296
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,760
contacting the council
for shelter schemes?
297
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:29,520
OK, break it there!
Good, Dave.
298
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:30,680
So you've met the actors,
299
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:32,320
you've learned a little bit
about one of the characters,
300
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,40
you've met the writer,
director, producer,
301
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,520
founder member of Legz Akimbo
Theatre Company - me.
302
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:38,880
And what we're going to do now
is take a short break.
303
00:13:39,00 --> 00:13:41,160
| Know that you're starving to
death, some of you literally,
304
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:42,640
so I'll let you
get your free soup,
305
00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:44,680
and we'll be back later on
with our new play
306
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:45,920
- No Home 4 Johnny...
- (COUGHING)
307
00:13:46,40 --> 00:13:47,960
Oh, drop dead!
308
00:13:48,80 --> 00:13:50,440
- Go, Benjamin.
- Leave us in peace.
309
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:52,640
But...
310
00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,40
Thanks for having me!
311
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,160
GIRLS: Go!
312
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:02,440
Well done, girls!
313
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:04,160
You saved us!
314
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,640
- Can | ask you a question?
- Of course.
315
00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,40
What goes from green to red
at a flick of a switch?
316
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,320
Why, a frog in a liquidiser!
317
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:12,800
Wrong!
318
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,160
- A toad!
- (TOAD CROAKS)
319
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,120
No!
320
00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:19,240
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
321
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:23,240
(INAUDIBLE)
322
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,240
(SHOUTING)
323
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:45,600
Piss off, you set of bastards!
324
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:52,760
You're keeping Tony waiting.
325
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:54,00
Yeah, all right, I'm coming!
326
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:55,880
Yeah, well,
he's your friggin’ son-in-law.
327
00:14:56,00 --> 00:14:57,80
Not yet, he isn't.
328
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,280
- All right, Tony?
- Cheers.
329
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,840
So, | believe you went to see
our Julie today.
330
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,280
Yeah, she's a lot better,
actually.
331
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:06,480
They reckon she can come home
by the end of the week.
332
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,160
All right, Tony,
whose go is it?
333
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:11,120
Think it's Charlie's turn
to ask us a question.
334
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:12,560
Come on, Charlie,
get on with it.
335
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,40
Should've brought his glasses,
Tony.
336
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:15,800
Eh, I'm not the one
that needs glasses, Tony.
337
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,200
She's the one
that needs glasses.
338
00:15:17,320 --> 00:15:18,920
Too right,
getting married to him!
339
00:15:19,40 --> 00:15:21,00
| must've been blind, eh, Tony?
340
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:22,120
(STELLA LAUGHS)
341
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:23,280
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
342
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,40
Right, yellow -
ancient history.
343
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:27,280
Charlie.
344
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,160
What is the world's
oldest known vegetable?
345
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:32,640
Oh, that /s Charlie!
346
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,800
No, the answer is a potato.
My go!
347
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,280
Hang on,
we haven't answered yet.
348
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,520
One, two, three. Pink, please!
349
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,200
No, cheat!
Don't play with him, Referee.
350
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:40,800
She said the answer, Referee!
351
00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:42,640
Oh, he just can't stand it
Cos we're us winning him!
352
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,920
- Pink?
- Yeah.
353
00:15:45,40 --> 00:15:45,960
Who is...?
354
00:15:46,80 --> 00:15:47,480
Hang on, is this
for a little bit of pie?
355
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:48,520
It's cheese.
356
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,320
- It's pie!
- It's cheese, Stella!
357
00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:51,960
Is it cheese or pie, Referee?
358
00:15:52,80 --> 00:15:53,160
It's just an ordinary question
anyway,
359
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:54,640
Well, come on, then.
360
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,760
Who is better Known
as the Little Tramp?
361
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,40
Don't you dare, Charlie.
362
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,360
Ee, crimes,
| Know this one an’ all...
363
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:06,440
Um...
364
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,120
- Five, four...
- No, shut up, Stella!
365
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:09,720
- No, sorry!
- No, shut up!
366
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,840
Two and one.
Bada-boo! Time's up!
367
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:15,80
No, the answer
is Charlie Chaplin.
368
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,440
No, Fatima Whitbread.
369
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,400
That's orange, you blind bitch.
370
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:19,840
Well, | haven't
got me glasses on, have |?
371
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,240
| thought
you didn't need glasses!
372
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:23,800
No, Charlie, it's you
| don't need! Come on, Tony,
373
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,160
If we get this right
we get another bit of pie.
374
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:27,400
Right, I'm gonna try
and make it really hard, then!
375
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,160
Oh, where have | heard that
before?
376
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:32,880
Look at him, all the blood's
rushed to his ‘ead!
377
00:16:33,00 --> 00:16:33,880
Stella.
378
00:16:34,00 --> 00:16:35,80
It's the only place
it does rush to these days.
379
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:36,760
All right!
Here’s your question, then,
380
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:38,440
you stupid twat!
381
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:41,40
- Charlie!
- It's all right, Tony,
382
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:42,160
she knows what she's doing.
383
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:43,520
It's only a bloody game!
384
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:44,880
Yeah,
like being married to him -
385
00:16:45,00 --> 00:16:46,280
Trivial Pursuits!
386
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,440
Do you want your question,
Stella?
387
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,480
- Is it for pie?
- No, it's for me!
388
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,440
Tell him yes, Referee.
389
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:00,960
Yes.
390
00:17:01,80 --> 00:17:02,80
Stella...
391
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,40
...do you still love me?
392
00:17:07,80 --> 00:17:08,880
That's too easy, Charlie.
Ask me another.
393
00:17:09,00 --> 00:17:10,680
- Oh, I've had enough of this!
- No, | haven't won him yet!
394
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,160
You want to ask me
a question!
395
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:13,240
Don't, Stella.
396
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:14,760
Come on,
why don't you ask me?
397
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,760
Ask me! All right, then,
I'll ask it meself.
398
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,360
"Stella,
have you slept with other men?"
399
00:17:28,00 --> 00:17:29,840
| can't answer that one,
Charlie.
400
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,360
Ask Tony.
401
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,800
He might know the answer
to that one.
402
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,760
Ask Tony!
403
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:44,800
Five, four, three, two, one.
404
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:45,920
We win!
405
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,680
| hate this game!
406
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:55,80
We still play it, though,
don't we, Stella?
407
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,320
- Charlie...
- Get out!
408
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:06,880
So...
409
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,360
...Was it him, then?
410
00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:13,760
Who?
411
00:18:15,00 --> 00:18:16,720
Charlie Chaplin!
412
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:17,840
Er...yeah.
413
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,400
Yes!
414
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:22,840
So, all set for the off?
415
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,40
Ja, ja.
416
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,320
I'm sorry Justin isn't here
to say goodbye.
417
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:27,800
| don’t Know where he’s got to.
418
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:29,80
Oh, that's all right.
419
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,600
| was the same
in my teens ages.
420
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:32,920
Boys will be boys.
421
00:18:33,40 --> 00:18:34,200
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
422
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,160
Right, well, I'll just try
and phone the council,
423
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:38,240
make sure the roads
are all clear for you to leave.
424
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:39,720
Alles klar.
425
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,320
Yeah, I'll wait here, ja?
426
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:43,440
Ja.
427
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,40
(DISTANT SHOUTING)
428
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,880
(SLOW BREATHS)
429
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,360
See you next year, Justin.
430
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,320
Tschuss!
431
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,680
(SLOW BREATHS)
432
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:23,280
(SIGHS)
433
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:26,920
| love my little soaps, Iris.
Eden au Lac, Montreux,
434
00:19:27,40 --> 00:19:29,80
the Inn at Mystic,
the Dan in Haifa.
435
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,880
Do you ever collect souvenirs
of your travels?
436
00:19:32,00 --> 00:19:33,640
Well, | once nicked
some fanny rag bags
437
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:35,00
from Primrose Valley.
438
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:37,40
Just by keeping them
in this little basket
439
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:39,360
reminds me of all the pleasures
that Eddie and | have had
440
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,120
from the holidays
over the years.
441
00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:42,240
Of course, if your Ron
442
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:44,640
hadn’t spent so much time
at Her Majesty’s pleasure,
443
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,680
you may have put away
a bit more yourself.
444
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,800
Stealing women's knickers
from wash baskets?
445
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:50,40
Were a mix-up at the laundry.
446
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:51,800
And remember
when you had your mum staying
447
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,720
and she needed help
being put to bed?
448
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:55,960
No-one expected Ron
to jump in after her!
449
00:19:56,80 --> 00:19:57,680
He said
he just wanted a cuddle!
450
00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,520
He’s not a sophisticated man,
you must admit.
451
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,760
He looks like a shaved monkey
in a tracksuit!
452
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:02,800
Mrs Levinson!
453
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,240
| always imagine him in a cage,
swinging in a tyre,
454
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,360
chucking his shit
against the wall!
455
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,880
At least my husband's
still alive.
456
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:15,920
Take that back!
457
00:20:16,40 --> 00:20:17,520
Yeah.
458
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,560
My husband's alive,
unlike some people's
459
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,240
- | can mention.
- Iris!
460
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:27,120
Mr Eddie Levinson,
king of the carpet warehouses,
461
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:29,200
bought up
one desanctified church
462
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,120
- too many, didn't he?
- Iris, don't!
463
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:32,880
Bankrupt, health ruined,
464
00:20:33,00 --> 00:20:34,600
dead of an 'eart attack at 42.
465
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,160
You're not playing fair!
466
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,320
Pretending
he's still down the warehouse
467
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,560
when he's been stiff
nearly 20 years?
468
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:43,760
(LAUGHS)
469
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,800
Foreign holidays?
470
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:47,840
You check in
at the Royston Vasey Stakis
471
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,240
for a fortnight!
472
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:50,960
Your bikini's
not seen the light of day
473
00:20:51,80 --> 00:20:52,400
since the Winter of Discontent!
474
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:54,40
Stop it!
475
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,800
Lording it over all and sundry!
476
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:01,720
Thinking you're summat
when you're nowt!
477
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:04,440
You...
478
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:08,640
... deluded, dried-up old witch!
479
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:09,920
With hot flushes
480
00:21:10,40 --> 00:21:12,280
and nothing but a buzzing
Philips Lady Shave
481
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,280
between your legs
to keep you company
482
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,600
on a cold winter's night.
483
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:18,160
Agh...
484
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:19,960
| pity you, lady!
485
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,160
(GASPS)
486
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,400
Where does this leave us?
487
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,880
Three-all, | think.
488
00:21:31,00 --> 00:21:32,240
(SOFTLY) Yes.
489
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,400
Oh, Mum!
490
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,40
(JUDEE SOBS)
491
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,360
There, there, flower.
492
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,760
- Ohh!
Sh, sh, come on...
493
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:50,880
I'm not sure
494
00:21:51,00 --> 00:21:53,160
this is such a good idea,
Ollie.
495
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,280
OLLIE: The mayor's in.
Looks like he's enjoying it.
496
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,840
This play's aimed
at primary school children.
497
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,480
There's no age limit
on dealing with issues, Dave!
498
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:03,720
(GEORDIE ACCENT)
Me mummy and daddy
499
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,680
died when | was a little boy
500
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,400
so | had to go
and stay with my bad uncle.
501
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:09,600
He used to come home
502
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:12,320
and burn the soles of me feet
with cigarettes.
503
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:15,440
One day | decided
enough was enough,
504
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,920
so | ran away...to London!
505
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,520
# Ding-ding, pop, stand clear
of the doors, please
506
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,240
# Ding-ding, pop, pop
Mind the gap!
507
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:25,00
# Ding-ding, pop, stand clear
of the doors, please
508
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:26,840
# Ding-ding, pop, pop
Mind the gap! #
509
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,240
- Taxi!
- Stop, thief!
510
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:30,280
Haven't got time.
511
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,240
Don't have change!
512
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:34,760
Very soon, | found meself
dossing on the streets
513
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:36,320
or in shop doorways.
514
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:37,680
It's not a bad life,
515
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:39,760
but you certainly get to know
who your friends are.
516
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:41,80
Most of mine are dead!
517
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,160
| heard it was bad
to give money to homeless.
518
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,400
They'll only spend it on drugs
and alcohol.
519
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:47,800
We get this a lot.
| don't take drugs
520
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:49,480
and | only have a drink
at New Year's.
521
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:50,520
Although | don't know
522
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:52,720
what I'm supposed to be
celebrating.
523
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,00
| saw a programme that said
99% of homeless
524
00:22:55,120 --> 00:22:57,400
enjoy it on the streets,
prefer life like that.
525
00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:58,760
| don't know
what kind of programmes
526
00:22:58,880 --> 00:22:59,920
you've been watchin’, mate,
527
00:23:00,40 --> 00:23:01,880
but | know
where I'd rather be at night -
528
00:23:02,00 --> 00:23:04,480
tucked up in a warm bed
with a cup of hot chocolate,
529
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:06,360
not freezing to death
on a park bench
530
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,00
with just a newspaper
to keep us warm.
531
00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:10,120
Come winter...
532
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:12,200
Whoosh-sh-sh-sh!
533
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:14,200
...you ask any homeless person,
534
00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:16,640
no-one wants to be
on the streets.
535
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:18,600
You're fired.
536
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,320
Ah, come on,
| ain't had a smoke in ages.
537
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:23,360
Or food.
538
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:24,720
That's normal for homeless.
539
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,760
Sometimes we get found
dead of starvation.
540
00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:28,320
Nobody cares.
541
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:30,960
People need to see
the magnitude of the problem.
542
00:23:31,80 --> 00:23:32,00
Gie's a swig!
543
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:33,480
Leave me alone!
544
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:35,800
I'm going
before this place turns ugly.
545
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:37,240
(ACTORS GROAN)
546
00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:40,240
ACTORS:
Spare any change, please...
547
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:41,960
- There he is!
- Let's get him!
548
00:23:42,80 --> 00:23:44,560
(ALL SHOUT)
549
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:48,880
Mind the costumes!
550
00:23:49,00 --> 00:23:51,600
They've got to go back
tomorrow! Oh, thanks!
551
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:56,720
(CROWD YELLS)
552
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:04,40
No...
553
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,160
Yeah, I'll give you
a nosebleed, mate!
554
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,440
- (ALL SHOUT)
- Calm down!
555
00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:10,840
| will not lie to you.
556
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:12,640
In all honesty,
in the sight of God,
557
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:14,120
this epidemic is over.
558
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:15,640
There is no more,
559
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:17,640
| repeat, no more nosebleeds.
560
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,40
(CROWD GASPS)
561
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:31,600
(ALL SHOUT)
562
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:44,120
- What's going on?!
- The mayor is dead!
563
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:45,280
What? How?
564
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:46,840
Nosebleed!
565
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:48,840
You can't die of a nosebleed!
566
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:50,800
- What?
- | don't understand!
567
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,440
The epidemic.
Where've you been?
568
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:55,480
Wait!
569
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:13,120
Oh, my God!
570
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:14,640
There it is!
571
00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:22,880
Thank you very much. Most kind.
572
00:25:23,00 --> 00:25:24,00
Goodbye.
573
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:29,600
It's all gone very quiet,
Edward.
574
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:31,440
| wonder
how they're getting on!
575
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:32,920
Oh, come away, Tubbs.
576
00:25:33,40 --> 00:25:34,840
Leave the young couple
In peace.
577
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:37,760
Nature will take its course.
578
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,720
Well, no-one touched
any of the dips!
579
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:45,40
Well, in the excitement
of the honeymoon,
580
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,320
aman has an appetite
for things other than food!
581
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,720
Do you remember
our wedding night, Edward?
582
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:57,40
Yes. We closed the shop,
danced naked in the moonlight,
583
00:25:57,160 --> 00:26:00,00
and you gave me one of those...
What was it called?
584
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:01,720
Precious thing?
585
00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:03,600
Yes. And you know, Tubbs,
586
00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:05,720
what thing has been
most precious to me,
587
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:06,800
don't you?
588
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:08,640
Yes.
589
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:09,680
The shop.
590
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:10,880
Yes.
591
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:16,840
| hope David and Barbara
will be as happy here
592
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:18,200
as we have been.
593
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,440
Well, it's their shop now.
594
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:24,520
What the...?!
595
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:26,680
Murderers!
596
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,00
(ALL SHOUT)
597
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:32,920
What's going on?
What's all this shouting?
598
00:26:33,40 --> 00:26:34,920
We'll have no trouble here.
599
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,40
Barbara! Come down!
It's dangerous!
600
00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:40,960
Eh? What are you on about?
601
00:26:41,80 --> 00:26:43,40
They're the ones
who've been poisoning us!
602
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:44,80
What?
603
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:45,160
Don't touch his meat!
604
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,240
Bit late for that.
Hang on, I’m coming down!
605
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:49,360
What do they want with us?
606
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,440
| don't know, Tubbs!
607
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,880
The sale doesn't start
till Wednesday!
608
00:26:56,00 --> 00:26:58,640
Get 'em out!
They're murderers!
609
00:26:58,760 --> 00:26:59,920
Murderers!
610
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,480
Barbara, who are these people?!
611
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:04,520
Don't worry.
612
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:06,160
Just a bit of trouble
with the locals.
613
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,360
What are you lot doing here?
614
00:27:11,560 --> 00:27:13,360
What the bloody hell's
going on?
615
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,280
Barbara, are you all right?
What's happened?
616
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:16,320
Nothing yet.
617
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:17,640
This is meant to be
my honeymoon!
618
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:19,520
(SCREAMS) What's that?
619
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:24,00
It's a monster!
620
00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:25,480
Er, excuse me,
621
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:27,680
that's my husband
you're talking about.
622
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:29,240
Burn 'em! Burn 'em!
623
00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:31,120
No! No!
624
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:32,520
(ALL SHOUT)
625
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,760
- Burn 'em! Burn ‘em!
- Darling!
626
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,240
No, Barbara!
627
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:40,120
(BOTH COUGH)
628
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:41,520
(ALL SHOUT)
629
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,00
(SHRIEKS)
630
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:44,80
Don't leave me!
631
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:46,520
Barbara, leave! It's too late!
632
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,80
MAN: Burn ‘em!
Burn ‘em! Burn 'em!
633
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:50,760
(ALL SHOUT)
634
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:55,440
Oh-oh! Edward,
why are they doing this to us?
635
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,200
| don't know, Tubbs!
We've done nothing to them!
636
00:27:58,320 --> 00:27:59,680
We've got to get out!
637
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:01,520
No! They'll tear us to pieces!
638
00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:02,720
But | can't, | can't...
639
00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:03,920
Tubbs!
640
00:28:04,40 --> 00:28:07,520
We...belong...local!
641
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:10,200
Come.
642
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:14,440
Edward...
643
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:16,680
...will heaven be like Swansea?
644
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:20,600
Yes, Tubbs.
645
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:22,840
Only...bigger.
646
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:25,440
(BOTH SCREAM)
647
00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:26,560
(CHEERING)
648
00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:36,960
HERR LIPP: Oh, look, Kinder!
A bonfire in Royston Vasey.
649
00:28:37,80 --> 00:28:38,200
Real good treat!
650
00:29:08,520 --> 00:29:10,520
(CARIBBEAN-STYLED VERSION
OF THEME TUNE)
41649
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