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1
00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:18,800
| don't understand it.
Where is everybody?!
2
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:20,800
Dunno.
3
00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:23,840
Maybe some mystery virus
has killed everyone off.
4
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,200
Don't be so stupid,
Mickey, love.
5
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:29,80
And will you stop eating
my Restart course, please?
6
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,200
You've already had
7
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:31,880
that big pile
of Housing Benefit forms.
8
00:00:32,00 --> 00:00:33,160
I'm starving!
9
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:35,800
So | see!
You'll be after me pens next.
10
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,00
This is all your fault.
11
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:43,440
We've been here for days
12
00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,680
and no-one's even noticed
you've gone.
13
00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:47,640
Some hostage
you turned out to be!
14
00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:49,280
Pathetic!
15
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:51,320
Pauline, please let me go.
16
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:52,680
| won't press charges.
17
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,80
You could go to prison,
you know.
18
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:57,120
Oh! Do | look like
Deirdre Rachid?!
19
00:00:58,120 --> 00:00:59,120
Yes.
20
00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:04,160
I'll let you go when I've got
my job back, and not before.
21
00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,600
- Fire engine!
- Shut up.
22
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:09,520
Mickey...
23
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,120
...could you get me
something to eat?
24
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:12,920
I've only got me CV left.
25
00:01:13,40 --> 00:01:15,400
That'll hardly feed
the 5,000, will it?
26
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:17,920
What's it written on,
a frigging raffle ticket?
27
00:01:18,40 --> 00:01:19,560
Pauline,
if | die of starvation,
28
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:20,600
you won't have a hostage
29
00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:21,800
and you'll never get
your job back.
30
00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:23,880
All right! All right!
31
00:01:24,00 --> 00:01:26,120
I'll go to the Nibble Box
and get us some sandwiches.
32
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:27,440
Tuna!
33
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:29,40
You'll get what you're given.
34
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:32,480
I'm going in disguise in case
there's any pigs about.
35
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,560
Watch him like a hawk.
36
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:58,320
(SIRENS WAIL)
37
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,320
What the...?
38
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,960
(WHIMPERS)
39
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,880
Well, come on, Brian!
Come and help me with this!
40
00:02:51,00 --> 00:02:52,280
You've got to get help.
41
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,560
Oh, good idea! And how
are you gonna explain that?!
42
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:57,240
It's a bit more than
a nosebleed, innit?
43
00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,160
It was an accident.
We thought it was the enemy.
44
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,560
Grow up, Brian,
or I'll break your other leg!
45
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:04,880
| am a murderer
and you are my accomplice!
46
00:03:05,00 --> 00:03:06,320
No, I'm not!
47
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:07,360
You are!
48
00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:08,720
All right, you didn't
run at him in the dark,
49
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,360
pick up a big stick
and smash his brains in, but...
50
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:13,280
Wait a minute. You're not
wearing a wire, are you?!
51
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,200
What? Argh! Get off me!
52
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:19,80
(BRIAN SOBS)
53
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,80
Oh, Geoff,
what are we gonna do?
54
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:24,200
We're gonna bury him.
55
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:26,960
- No!
- Yes!
56
00:03:27,80 --> 00:03:29,120
We're gonna bury him
so it looks like a wolf did it.
57
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:32,40
Then we'll say
the last time we saw him
58
00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:33,800
was when he went off
looking for help.
59
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,440
Now, get digging, Brian,
60
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,360
else I'll put you in there
with him!
61
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:40,520
That's it, Bri.
62
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:44,400
Team spirit.
Mike would've liked that. Gah!
63
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:49,800
(BRIAN WHIMPERS)
64
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:53,960
(SOFT-ROCK MUSIC)
65
00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:59,160
- (SPRAY CAN HISSES)
- # The clock struck 13
66
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,320
# And | was searching
67
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:04,840
# For that midnight mover
68
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,360
# Of my darkest dreams
69
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,840
# She looked
Straight through me...
70
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,400
Oh, yeah.
71
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:16,400
# My voodoo lady...
72
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,560
# Sweet witchcraft maid
73
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:21,200
# Uh! Voodoo lady
74
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:24,480
# Voodoo lady
75
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:29,320
# | gO COO-coo
when you do voodoo... #
76
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:39,480
Edward, what is this place?
Who are all these strangers?
77
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:40,840
Concentrate, Tubbs.
78
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,320
We're here to find
a bride for David.
79
00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:44,360
That one!
80
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,600
Too old.
81
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:48,680
That one!
82
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,120
- That's a tail!
- Is it?
83
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,960
You can't tell these days.
84
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:56,200
Ah-ha!
85
00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:59,160
Get down, Tubbs.
Remember what | told you.
86
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:08,760
Do you need a hand, love?
87
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,920
Oh, thank you! Most kind. I...
88
00:05:12,40 --> 00:05:13,920
- | was in a war.
- Oh.
89
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,240
- So, | take it you are local?
- Oh, yeah.
90
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,160
Now!
91
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:33,400
(BRAKES SCREECH)
92
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:36,240
Did the plan work, Edward?
93
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,520
Sorry, ladies. I'm cleaned out.
94
00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:57,680
Until this quarantine's lifted,
95
00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,400
you'll have to get by
on fish fingers.
96
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,400
Bye-bye. Come on!
97
00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:10,680
Haven't you heard, Maurice?
I've nothing left.
98
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,360
I'm not interested in
your pork chops, Hilary Briss.
99
00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:14,760
| want to talk to you.
100
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:15,840
You know they've got
101
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,120
these health inspectors
sniffing round?
102
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:18,560
Pull yourself together,
Maurice!
103
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:19,960
Why should that bother me?
104
00:06:20,80 --> 00:06:21,440
Well, | mean,
105
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,200
could all this be
to do with the...
106
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:24,560
(WHISPERS) ...special stuff?
107
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:26,360
No, it couldn't.
108
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:28,680
But how do you know, Hilary?
How do you know?!
109
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,00
Who can tell what this
might be doing to us?!
110
00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:33,720
You listen to me,
Maurice Evans.
111
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:34,960
You know as well as | do
112
00:06:35,80 --> 00:06:37,80
that | have
a very select clientele.
113
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,800
How many people have you seen
with these nosebleeds?
114
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:40,840
Dozens.
115
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:42,200
Only this morning
at the post office,
116
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,360
Mrs Sprague and the daughter...
117
00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:45,720
Exactly. Women!
118
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,280
Children!
119
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:48,920
You know who's on my list.
120
00:06:49,40 --> 00:06:50,00
Whatever this thing is,
121
00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:51,400
there is no link
to this counter,
122
00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:53,160
either above it or below it.
123
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,360
The health inspectors
will find nothing.
124
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:56,920
(SHOP DOORBELL RINGS)
125
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,320
What's this?
126
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,400
Taste it.
127
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,480
Where did you get this?
128
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:17,920
Your Eunice!
129
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,880
Ask yourselves this -
130
00:07:28,00 --> 00:07:31,920
"If | were gonna steal it,
where would | conceal it?"
131
00:07:32,40 --> 00:07:36,560
| guarantee you'll start
to spot 'em a mile away.
132
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,120
| was in bedding
the other day -
133
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:41,680
not glassware,
not electricals - bedding -
134
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,00
and | spot
a heavily pregnant woman
135
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,240
pushing a baby along in a pram.
136
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:48,40
Alarm bells ringing.
137
00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:50,440
Be very wary of prams.
138
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:52,960
Prams have got compartments,
got babies in them.
139
00:07:53,80 --> 00:07:54,840
There's
a great embarrassment factor
140
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,160
in asking
to rifle through a pram.
141
00:07:57,280 --> 00:07:59,200
You'll disturb baby.
142
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,560
What if baby isn't a baby?
143
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,120
What if baby is a 12-piece
Queen Anne breakfast set?
144
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:07,00
Retail price - £24,99.
Chalk it up.
145
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,400
Mum politely escorted
to the manager's office.
146
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,240
Powers-that-be notified.
Has she got a lawyer?
147
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,120
She'd better have have had!
148
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:15,880
The amusing epilogue
in this story
149
00:08:16,00 --> 00:08:18,200
is the woman in question
later miscarried.
150
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:19,560
Chalk it up.
151
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,640
Same with our disabled friends.
152
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,520
Be very wary of wheelchairs.
153
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:26,840
You don't like to ask Mr Smith
154
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,120
if he doesn't mind
shifting his weight to one side
155
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:30,760
whilst you have a look
at what he's sitting on,
156
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,240
because nine times out of ten,
it'll only be a check blanket.
157
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:35,520
You'll be told,
"Go forth and multiply!"
158
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,120
You do it often enough,
you will find a book,
159
00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:40,760
or a plate, or a game.
160
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:41,920
Chalk ‘em up!
161
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,600
You'll be asked
many times this week,
162
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,120
"What makes
a good store detective?"
163
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:47,160
Well, | would suggest
164
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:48,960
a certain amount
of that ingredients
165
00:08:49,80 --> 00:08:50,320
iS arrogance.
166
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,720
You'll not have any friends.
167
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:57,960
Mum and Dad
will not be proud of you.
168
00:08:58,80 --> 00:09:00,360
You'll be suspicious
of everyone you meet.
169
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:01,480
Why is this thus?
170
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,640
What is the reason
for this thus-ness?
171
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:06,880
| will tell you, it is thus,
thus it has always been,
172
00:09:07,00 --> 00:09:10,400
and ever thus should it
have...ever been...thus.
173
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:14,240
In the past 15 years,
| have saved Binns
174
00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:15,640
- or Hammonds
as it is now known -
175
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:19,280
superstore
the princely sum of £303.64.
176
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:20,400
Chalk it up.
177
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:21,440
In my private life,
178
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,240
| have prevented
small acts of fraud
179
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,00
on nearly
eight separate occasions.
180
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,560
| say nearly,
as | was once given
181
00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:28,560
too much change
leaving a charity shop,
182
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,320
but | was already
off the premises,
183
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,400
and legally
that money was mine!
184
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,520
A very good friend of mine
once said
185
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:37,720
something to me -
186
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,520
she's a store detective,
a very good one.
187
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:41,360
She said,
"Being a store detective
188
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,960
"is like standing up
at the wedding when they ask,
189
00:09:44,80 --> 00:09:45,40
“Is there any reason
190
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,520
“why these two
should not be married?"
191
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:47,880
No-one likes doing it.
192
00:09:48,00 --> 00:09:49,640
| didn't /ike doing it...
193
00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:52,240
...not to my own brother...
194
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,440
...but no-one likes a cheat.
195
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,240
It's like the sign says,
gentlemen:
196
00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:00,720
"Shoplifters
will be prosecuted."
197
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,240
(CLATTERING)
198
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:06,280
Shit.
199
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:09,400
Hokey-cokey, pig-in-a-pokey!
200
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:13,320
My God, you will not believe
what's going on out there!
201
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,240
MICKEY: "Dear Pauline,
202
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,80
"| tried to do what you say,
203
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,320
“but Ross said he could
get me the fire engine,
204
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:33,880
"so | let him go.
205
00:10:34,00 --> 00:10:37,120
"Then he hit me and ran away.
206
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:41,560
"| realise now it was a trick
and | was too ashamed to Stay.
207
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:43,320
"SOITy.
208
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,520
"Good luck
with the rest of the seggy...”
209
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,240
He means "siege".
210
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,520
"| hope you get your job back.
Love from Mickey.
211
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:57,280
"PS - you can have
my sandwich."
212
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:09,00
Excuse me, miss.
Do you mind if we have a word?
213
00:11:15,00 --> 00:11:19,40
(SOFT-ROCK MUSIC)
214
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,920
# Voodoo lady
215
00:11:41,40 --> 00:11:43,800
# Do you dig me?
216
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,640
# Voodoo lady
217
00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:49,440
# And the chill you gave me
218
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,200
# | beseech you
219
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,760
# From Satan save me
220
00:11:54,880 --> 00:12:00,440
# No-one knows the secret
of the black magic box
221
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:03,120
# Voodoo lady
222
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,680
# | love it, baby
223
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,120
# Juju, hey-hey
224
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:11,40
# Black magic child! #
225
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:12,920
(FEEDBACK)
226
00:12:13,40 --> 00:12:14,920
Thank you. Thank you very much.
227
00:12:15,40 --> 00:12:17,920
We've been Creme Brulee
and you've been fantastic.
228
00:12:18,40 --> 00:12:19,280
Thank you.
229
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:21,680
Hey.
230
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:24,160
Oh...
231
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:26,960
(SIGHS)
232
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:30,760
(INHALER HISSES)
233
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:38,120
Yes, mate?
234
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,600
- Tony?
- Yeah.
235
00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,200
Les.
236
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,720
Oh, right, yeah. Sorry.
237
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:47,400
There you go, mate.
238
00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:50,640
"To Les. All the best.
Tony Cluedo."
239
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:53,200
- Cheers, pal.
- No, mate.
240
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,360
Les - rhythm guitar.
241
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:59,240
Oh, my God! Les McDougal!
242
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,640
- McQueen.
- McQueen.
243
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,640
Hey! Hey-hey!
244
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:07,160
Oh, hey, we did try and get
in touch with you, you know,
245
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,320
but...no-one had
your new number.
246
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:10,840
I've not moved.
247
00:13:12,00 --> 00:13:13,480
Yeah?
248
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,480
Well... (SIGHS)
How have you been?
249
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:17,760
Oh, not so bad.
250
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,760
You know, just saw the advert,
thought I'd pop along.
251
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:22,920
I'm leaving the country soon,
actually.
252
00:13:23,40 --> 00:13:24,240
Got my eye on
a little gold mine
253
00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:25,280
in Lanzarote.
254
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,80
- English sports bar.
- That'll be a dear do.
255
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,640
Well, I've just had
me redundancy through.
256
00:13:30,00 --> 00:13:31,440
Oh, right.
257
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,120
To tell you the truth, mate,
you're best out of it.
258
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:36,160
| mean, this is nothing.
259
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:38,240
We did have a bit of
a comeback planned, you know,
260
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:39,560
but the backing fell through.
261
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:40,800
Backing?
262
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,400
Yeah, they'd promised us
50 big ones, you know.
263
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:46,640
50 quid?
| can give you that now!
264
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:49,680
No, mate. 50K, 50 grand.
265
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,560
Oh, yeah, yeah.
266
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,480
It were a shame, mind.
We were all fired up, you know.
267
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,760
Bob and Patch
are writing again.
268
00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:58,840
- No!
- Yeah.
269
00:13:58,960 --> 00:13:59,880
They've got this one
270
00:14:00,00 --> 00:14:02,00
fantastic new
slow reggae number -
271
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:03,680
Jamaican Ginger Cake.
272
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,480
Ooh!
273
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,120
Hey!
274
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:12,880
What?
275
00:14:13,00 --> 00:14:14,960
My redundancy -
276
00:14:15,80 --> 00:14:16,640
what if | were to invest it
in the band?
277
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:18,280
Oh, don't be silly, Les.
278
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,120
- |'m dead serious, Tony.
- (LAUGHS)
279
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:22,760
It's out of the question, pal.
280
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:23,840
But, why?
281
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:26,200
It's what I've always wanted -
the band back together.
282
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,440
A friend of our kid's,
Asian lad,
283
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:29,960
he's got his own little studio.
284
00:14:30,80 --> 00:14:33,00
Samplings,
electric drum...loops.
285
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,760
He could do a dub version of
all our singles on one 12-inch,
286
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:37,80
like Jive Bunny.
287
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,400
Oh, Les, Les...
288
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:40,200
Or like Smokie
with Chubby Brown -
289
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,440
- Who The Bleep Is Alice?
- Whoa, whoa!
290
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,760
It's too much to ask, pal.
291
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,280
Please!
292
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:52,840
Well...
293
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,680
...it could be good again,
couldn't it?
294
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,720
Eh?
295
00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:59,640
The old line-up, back together.
296
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:03,80
First time since
Cheggers Plays Pop!
297
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,960
OK. OK, we could move on this.
298
00:15:06,80 --> 00:15:07,400
Look, I've got a mate
at the Chronicle.
299
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:08,440
A couple of phone calls,
300
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,520
we can have a press conference
this afternoon.
301
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,80
Right, give us an hour,
302
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,400
I'll be back here
with the cash!
303
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:15,440
Whoa! OK, Len! Hey!
304
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,960
Creme Brulee is back,
just like the old times!
305
00:15:18,80 --> 00:15:19,480
- Fantastic!
- Yeah.
306
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:20,840
Yeah!
307
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,400
It's a great business, in't it?
308
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,200
(SOBBING)
309
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,40
Ah, Justin.
310
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,160
- Everything in Ordnung?
- Uh, yes, thanks.
311
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:38,960
Ja, how is your Mutti?
312
00:15:39,80 --> 00:15:41,480
Oh, she seems a bit better.
She'll appreciate the flowers.
313
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,00
Oh, no. These are for you.
314
00:15:45,00 --> 00:15:46,680
Oh, er...
315
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,40
Now, are you sure
you don't want me
316
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:51,640
to cancel the party tonight?
317
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:53,40
No, it's your last night here.
318
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,560
| don't want
to spoil it, but...
319
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:56,320
...If | could leave you
to organise everybody...
320
00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:57,880
Alles klar.
321
00:15:58,00 --> 00:16:00,720
You put yourself
in my fist, Justin.
322
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,880
Ah! Our carriage awaits.
(GIGGLES)
323
00:16:05,00 --> 00:16:06,120
BARBARA: Where to, gents?
324
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:08,280
- Church Walk, please.
- Right.
325
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:11,960
JUSTIN: | wish they'd hurry up
326
00:16:12,80 --> 00:16:13,440
and find out
what's causing this.
327
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:14,760
The doctors seem clueless.
328
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:17,520
BARBARA: Huh!
Don't talk to me about doctors!
329
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,400
| ordered a vagina
with a depth of eight inches...
330
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,560
What are you doing?
331
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,760
- I'm making him a cross.
- Oh, good idea.
332
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:27,960
Why not put
a sign on the back
333
00:16:28,80 --> 00:16:29,320
saying "Body buried here"?
334
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:30,880
Well, they'll find him anyway!
335
00:16:31,00 --> 00:16:33,320
Yeah, and when they do,
we say that wolves did it!
336
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,680
- It happened in Australia.
- Not to a fully grown man!
337
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,240
Yes, but they proved in a court
that woman was...
338
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,880
(SPLUTTERING)
339
00:16:41,00 --> 00:16:43,480
He's alive!
Oh, Geoff, thank God!
340
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:44,840
He's alive! Quick, get him out.
341
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,40
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
342
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:50,880
- Let's just think about this.
- What's to think about?
343
00:16:51,00 --> 00:16:52,480
Well, how is it gonna look?
344
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,200
How are we gonna explain this?!
345
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:55,240
But he's alive!
346
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:56,280
Well, he won't be in a minute!
347
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:58,00
- Stop it!
- It's just easier, Brian!
348
00:16:58,120 --> 00:16:59,120
We've already killed him once.
349
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:00,280
- No!
- Yes!
350
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:01,680
Oh, it's all right
for you, innit?!
351
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,440
You made him a cross!
He'll like that.
352
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:06,80
I'm the one that hit him.
353
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,280
What am | gonna get?
Sacked, that's what!
354
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:09,640
Well, I'm not having it, Brian!
355
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:11,720
- Stop it!
- No, I'm not!
356
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,320
BOTH: Wolves did it!
357
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:29,880
(SIREN WAILS)
358
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:36,400
- VAL: Is it safe?
- HARVEY: | think so.
359
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:37,880
| gave the boy a pill.
360
00:17:38,00 --> 00:17:40,720
He won't awake until our return
from the Toad Club.
361
00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:43,400
Now, come along.
The girls await us in the car.
362
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:14,560
"Dear all, it's great here.
363
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,800
"Uncle Harvey and Aunty Val
are so wonderful
364
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,600
"I'm going to stay
for at least five years.
365
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:20,960
"Love, Benjamin."
366
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,00
Oh, God!
367
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,440
(KEY CLATTERS)
368
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:13,160
TUBBS: We've got a no-tail!
We've got a no-tail!
369
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:14,640
Can | see her now, Edward?
370
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,40
EDWARD:
All in good time, Tubbs.
371
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:17,560
All in good time.
372
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:22,320
We expanded by 17%
in the first quarter alone,
373
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:24,240
and that was before
any advertising
374
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:25,640
appeared in the press.
375
00:19:27,40 --> 00:19:29,40
People say,
376
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,560
"What is the future
for plastics?"
377
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,800
| say, "The future..."
378
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:40,800
Have we missed the cakes?
379
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:05,720
(CLEARS THROAT)
380
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,80
Pfft!
381
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:11,840
Can | help you, pal?
382
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,120
Yeah. I'm here for
the press conference.
383
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:15,240
Press conference?
384
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:18,960
Creme Brulee reunion,
Griffin Hotel, 68A.
385
00:20:19,80 --> 00:20:22,400
No, this is 68. There's a 70.
386
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:23,800
No 68A.
387
00:20:25,00 --> 00:20:26,240
Do you know Tony Cluedo?
388
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:27,800
Nope.
389
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:30,600
But | gave him all me...
390
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,00
We arranged...
391
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:35,760
Is there something
round the back?
392
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,40
- Oh, yeah.
- Right!
393
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:39,600
A Fiesta wi' its engine fucked.
394
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:46,960
Are you OK, mate?
395
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,760
Yeah.
396
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:54,720
| understand.
397
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,160
(WIND HOWLS)
398
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:14,440
TUBBS: Close your eyes, Edward!
I'm coming in!
399
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:17,320
Oh, Tubbs, we don't have time
for games!
400
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,240
The no-tail will be awake soon!
401
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,840
Dah-dah!
402
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:26,160
(HUMS HERE COMES THE BRIDE)
403
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:27,920
Tubbs!
404
00:21:28,40 --> 00:21:29,520
| found it up in the attic.
405
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:32,160
| thought the no-tail
could wear it for the wedding.
406
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:33,600
Wedding?!
407
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:36,400
Yes, we're going to have
the night do down here
408
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:37,800
and the day do up in the...
409
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:39,120
Tubbs, Tubbs, Tubbs,
410
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:40,960
the young of today
hold no store
411
00:21:41,80 --> 00:21:42,880
in the sanctity of marriage.
412
00:21:43,00 --> 00:21:44,720
They live in sin,
413
00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:47,680
rutting like beasts
between filthy sheets!
414
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,440
Well, not in this shop!
415
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,320
David's not to lay
a single claw on that no-tail
416
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:53,840
until they are married.
417
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,760
Oh, please, Edward!
418
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:58,320
Oh, very well, very well.
But we must be careful.
419
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:01,280
We don't want her to suffocate,
like the last three.
420
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,560
(DOOR CLOSES)
421
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,480
Ah-ha! Justin!
422
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,440
You are just in time, Justin.
423
00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:16,80
Make yourself at house.
424
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:17,680
Someone to trink?
425
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:19,680
- Herr Lipp?
- Hmm?
426
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:22,600
- Where's everybody else?
- Else?
427
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,160
You said
we were having a party.
428
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:28,200
We are having a party.
Sit down!
429
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,480
Some of
the silly boys and girls
430
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:34,320
have gone to Flick Flacks,
431
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,360
which is the only disco
in Royston Vasey,
432
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:37,520
but | thought that
433
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:40,200
with your Mutti being
in the hospice with nosebleeds
434
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:43,760
that you would rather
stay zu Hause.
435
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:48,280
Besides, you know that tomorrow
| must leave for Duisburg.
436
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,360
| Know. It's come around quick.
437
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,80
Ah, Justin,
you are kind, but...
438
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:55,600
...you must not squirt
your face over me, for -
439
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:56,720
who knows? -
440
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,640
in some times | might be
coming back to England.
441
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:02,720
- Have you ever been to London?
- Oh, sure, in my youth.
442
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:03,960
- Yes.
- Was it good?
443
00:23:04,80 --> 00:23:06,200
It was quite good. There...
444
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,720
There are many similars
and many differencists.
445
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:11,680
In London
you have fish and chips,
446
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,600
in Duisburg
we have Duisburg cake.
447
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:16,840
In London you have Soho,
448
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:20,240
in Duisburg we have
the Duisburg Cafe.
449
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:22,80
And in London
you have the Queen,
450
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:23,640
whereas in Duisburg...
451
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,320
Alles klar?
452
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:50,720
Justin...
453
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:54,40
...th-th-there is s-something
| wanted to say to you.
454
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:55,640
- Oh?
- Ja...
455
00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:57,600
Und was ist hier los?
456
00:23:57,720 --> 00:23:58,920
Lotte!
457
00:23:59,40 --> 00:24:01,760
Was machst du hier in England?!
458
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:04,440
- Sie wissen.
- Wer weiss? Was meinst du?!
459
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:05,640
Was passiert hier?
460
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:09,200
Nichts passiert! Ich spreche
nur mit einem meiner Jungen.
461
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:11,840
- Deiner Jungen?
- Ja, meiner Jungen.
462
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:13,360
Ich bin verantwortlich fir sie.
463
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:15,360
- (LAUGHS) Alles klar.
- Lotte!
464
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,880
- Alles klar!
- Was meinst du, "Alles klar"?!
465
00:24:18,00 --> 00:24:20,720
Derby, Ipswich, Reading,
Wood Green?
466
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:22,280
Nein...
467
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:24,760
Jetzt musst du gehen.
468
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:26,840
Geh jetzt, bevor
es zu spat ist!
469
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:29,840
Er... Ick heiss...Justin.
470
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:31,720
Ick wohne in Royston Vasey.
471
00:24:34,40 --> 00:24:38,00
Dieser kann kein Deutsch.
Er ist meiner Junge.
472
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:40,920
Then God help him.
473
00:24:41,40 --> 00:24:43,200
- Jetzt raus, Lotte, raus!
- Ich Komme zurick!
474
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:44,680
- Raus!
- Mit der Polizei!
475
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:46,480
Raus!
476
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:51,640
(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)
477
00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:53,600
I'm sorry about that, Justin.
478
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:55,840
| think now
we will have some coffee, yeah?
479
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:59,520
We've been naughty boys
to drink so much wine.
480
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:03,800
- Who was she?
- Oh, that was Lotte, my wife.
481
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:05,00
Your wife?
482
00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:07,560
She is the name of my wife,
but not in fuck.
483
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:10,240
It was a mistake.
Was soll ich sagen?
484
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:11,840
| can't believe you're married.
485
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:15,40
There's something else
| must tell you of.
486
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:17,400
You'll be quite surprised,
but, er...
487
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:23,160
..|am a queen, Justin.
488
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:26,280
No.
489
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:28,40
Ja.
490
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:31,560
Sometimes | think | am
the only queen in Duisburg.
491
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:34,00
Oh, sure,
in Bochum oder Weisbaden
492
00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:37,280
you can get a boy for 30 Marks,
or maybe nothing,
493
00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:39,280
but Duisburg...
494
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:43,800
This is why | married Lotte.
495
00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:45,320
Well, | really ought
to make a move.
496
00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:48,80
Oh, Justin, my Justin,
my very own Justin.
497
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:52,80
It's been
a great...pleasure for me
498
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:53,320
to come to Royston Vasey.
499
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:55,840
A real good treat! Mm!
500
00:25:57,760 --> 00:25:59,200
For too long now
| have been, er...
501
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:02,760
Ach, wie sagt man
auf Englisch?
502
00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:04,520
| have been...
503
00:26:06,40 --> 00:26:07,240
...allein.
504
00:26:09,80 --> 00:26:10,160
Ganz allein.
505
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:14,120
| told Dieter I'd meet him.
He knows where | am.
506
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:17,640
Oh, sure, go to Flick Flacks,
have good fun, make love,
507
00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:21,680
but first | hope you will try
some nice Duisburg Kaffee.
508
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:23,760
| made her specially for you.
509
00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:26,320
- No, | really have to go.
- Just one sip?
510
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:28,00
Thanks, but | told Dieter,
| really have to...
511
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:30,00
- Please?!
- No!
512
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:32,440
I'm sorry.
I'm going to leave now.
513
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:35,320
Justin!
514
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:38,280
Argh!
515
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:45,440
Oh, Wolf! Nicht ein ander!
516
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:47,960
Halt die Klappe, Lotte, please!
517
00:26:48,80 --> 00:26:50,560
Halt die Klappe.
518
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:52,400
Now...
519
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,480
... fetch me a spade.
520
00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:58,00
She is a pretty,
isn't she, Edward?
521
00:26:58,120 --> 00:27:00,40
- Yes.
- And she's got a good figure?
522
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:02,840
- Yes, a good, full figure.
- And you're sure she's local?
523
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,600
Yes, Tubbs,
she's a pretty, local no-tail
524
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:08,560
with a good figure
and the voice of an angel.
525
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:10,400
See for yourself.
526
00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,680
BARBARA: Bloody hell!
It stinks in here!
527
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,800
What kind of petrol
do you call this?
528
00:27:22,00 --> 00:27:23,360
She's done what?!
529
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:25,00
I'm so sorry, Hilary!
530
00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:27,200
| didn't realise
till it was too late.
531
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:29,320
She had it stored
in the freezer, you see.
532
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:32,440
She's been cutting it
with her own paste.
533
00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:34,800
What? (GRUNTS)
534
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:36,360
You silly bastard!
535
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:38,160
She's got
the whole town eating it!
536
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:41,640
A pure supply is one thing...
537
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:44,840
...out to cut it...
538
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:46,120
What are we gonna do, Hilary?
539
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:47,160
I'm thinking.
540
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:48,760
Half of Royston Vasey's
had the stuff!
541
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:50,400
We're all at risk!
542
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:54,960
Not quite all of us.
543
00:27:55,80 --> 00:27:56,760
What do you mean?
544
00:27:57,800 --> 00:27:59,720
Well, it's like
I've always said, Samuel,
545
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:01,600
I'm a businessman.
546
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,360
| have a shelf full
of black pudding out there.
547
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:05,320
| can't say | care for it.
548
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:08,520
You mean...
549
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:10,880
...you don't eat
the special stuff?
550
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:14,760
Somebody
has to stay in control.
551
00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:33,720
(DOOR CLOSES)
552
00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:37,560
(SOBS)
35560
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