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1
00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:04,00
(CHIMES PLAY)
2
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:09,600
Can | have a cornet,
please, mister?
3
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,640
Righto. That'll be 80p, please.
4
00:00:17,00 --> 00:00:18,200
Thank you.
5
00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:21,800
| didn't ask for sauce!
6
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| didn't put sauce on.
7
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:20,680
OK, guten Morgen, Kinder,
und willkommen ins England.
8
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:22,880
Hi, welcome to England.
9
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My name ist Herr Lipp,
10
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und | may enjoy you
to this exchange visit
11
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to the lovely town
of Royston Vasey.
12
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,520
As you can know,
| am speaking to you now
13
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:36,480
in Englisch, so you may have
some worries of knowing me!
14
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:41,160
Ja, in so fact, | was in
England since...12 years ago.
15
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:42,800
Jesus Christ!
16
00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:45,520
| stayed in the lovely town
of Derby
17
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:49,360
with the two teachers,
Mr and Mrs Norris.
18
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,200
Oh, they were very nice.
19
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:54,40
Beard and some moustaches.
20
00:01:55,40 --> 00:01:57,160
| still have a towel of theirs.
21
00:01:58,160 --> 00:01:59,680
It's blue.
22
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Alles klar!
23
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:05,80
So, | hope you all have a real
good treat of Royston Vasey.
24
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:09,120
And, please, if you don't
understand any of my sayings,
25
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:10,640
come to me in private
26
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:14,280
and | will take you in
my German mouth. Alles klar?
27
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,160
Gut, alles klar.
28
00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:24,640
This sky's so beautiful.
Keeps changing all the time.
29
00:02:26,80 --> 00:02:27,80
How are you doing?
30
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:31,280
Fine.
31
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,800
Actually, Mother,
| think I'll just pop down to
32
00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:37,400
that little shop,
get a can of Coke or something.
33
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,560
Don't be too long, darling.
You'll miss the light.
34
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,400
Wouldn't want to
miss the light...
35
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:01,480
Hello?
36
00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,360
(CHICKENS CLUCK)
37
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:08,320
Ugh!
38
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,320
Yes?
39
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:14,840
Good morning.
40
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,800
- Can | help you at all?
- Yes, | wanted to buy
41
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:19,840
- acan of Coke.
- "| can | can't"?!
42
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,00
A can of Coke.
43
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,680
| can | can't!
44
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,440
- You are a shop, aren't you?
- No.
45
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:26,320
lam a lady.
46
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,760
- This is a shop.
- You misunderstand me.
47
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,120
It is a local shop
for local people.
48
00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,480
There's nothing for you here.
49
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,00
| see. No problem.
50
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,160
Oh! Are you cut-cut?
51
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:38,640
Oh, no, it's just paint.
52
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,600
- Give it to Tubbs!
- No, please, really,
53
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,640
there's no need.
54
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,640
Hello, hello, Tubbs!
What's going on?
55
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,200
What's all this shouting?
We'll have no trouble here.
56
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:48,720
| just came in
for a can of Coke.
57
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,80
"| can | can't"?
58
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,520
He wants to paint me naked.
59
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:53,680
Is he local?
60
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:54,760
No.
61
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,560
Look here, this is
a decent town and a local shop.
62
00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:00,240
- We don't want nudes here.
- No,
63
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:02,160
we're doing a landscape.
Up there.
64
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,960
We just came here
to try and capture the sun.
65
00:04:04,80 --> 00:04:05,760
Nothing to do with your wife.
66
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,280
Say that again.
67
00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,840
We came to try
and capture the sun
68
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,240
whilst it was still daytime,
69
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,480
- honestly.
- He knows about David!
70
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:14,880
He wants to let him out!
71
00:04:15,00 --> 00:04:17,960
What do you know about David?
He's our son. A freak, yes,
72
00:04:18,80 --> 00:04:21,200
but a local freak. Leave him
where he is, for all our sakes.
73
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:22,800
The attic is warm.
74
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:24,360
Tubbs feeds him.
75
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:29,00
Under the door | slide him
my teat. Let him not go!
76
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:30,480
| don't know
what you're talking about!
77
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,200
- All right, how much?
- What?
78
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:33,800
To leave the shop
and never come back.
79
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,320
70? 80?
80
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,120
All right, a pound!
81
00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:38,360
| don't want your money.
82
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:39,720
What do you want?
83
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,160
| can | can't!
84
00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:44,600
- (GROWLING)
- What was that?
85
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:46,120
That was David.
86
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,160
And you have woken him up.
87
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:52,120
(GROWLING)
88
00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:02,480
Good morning.
89
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,600
Now, | did mention
we'd be closing the guest house
90
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,520
this evening
for a private function,
91
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,560
so if you could vacate
the premises by 12...
92
00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:10,840
And can | get you
some coffee?
93
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,160
OK!
94
00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:15,560
Jump leads for two. Can do!
95
00:05:17,40 --> 00:05:18,560
(LAUGHS)
96
00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:23,480
So the fella's standing there -
as | say, we don't normally
97
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:25,400
go to these kinds
of entertainments -
98
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,80
but as | say, this one
was really super.
99
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:30,480
The fella's standing there
in this Robin Hood outfit.
100
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,480
It's got the leggings and the
tunic and the bow and arrow
101
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,600
and the feather coming out
the top of his head.
102
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:37,960
And as | say, he's playing
all the parts himself!
103
00:05:38,80 --> 00:05:39,520
So he's the stag
that Robin Hood's going to
104
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,200
fire his bloomin' arrow at,
and he's going hell for leather
105
00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,360
with the antlers
coming out of his head.
106
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,200
And he's Robin Hood chasing
after him, and his Merry Men,
107
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:49,80
and he's got the bow and arrow
poised
108
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,240
and he's got the feather coming
out the top of his hat.
109
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:52,840
And me and Sunny
are sitting there,
110
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,680
the tears rolling down
our faces. And he fires
111
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,160
the bloomin' arrow,
and he's shot, of course!
112
00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:02,240
As | say, we don't normally go
to these kinds of things.
113
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,240
It loses a little
in translation.
114
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:07,120
But, er, did you want
more coffee?
115
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,640
OK.
116
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,440
Jump leads for one.
117
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- Can do.
- WOMAN: Alvin!
118
00:06:16,440 --> 00:06:17,840
Excuse me.
119
00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,120
Have you been to the shops yet?
120
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,400
Hardly. | just finished
the breakfasts, my love.
121
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:29,280
You're determined to spoil this
for me, aren't you?
122
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:31,120
Not at all. I'm quite
looking forward to the...
123
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:32,840
| don't think it's much
to expect - do you? -
124
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,120
once every few months.
125
00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:35,280
No, I'm happy to...
126
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:36,720
Just go!
127
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:38,200
Right.
128
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,320
I'll be toddling off, then.
129
00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:44,80
Back about three, three-thirty.
130
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:46,520
Right.
131
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,520
(CHIMES PLAY)
132
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,680
(PHONE RINGS)
133
00:06:59,00 --> 00:07:02,80
ANSWERPHONE:
Hokey-cokey, pig-in-a-pokey!
134
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:06,80
Hello, this is Pauline.
Please leave me a message
135
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,240
and | will try and call you
back as soon as ! can.
136
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:11,760
- Thank you. Bye!
- (BEEP)
137
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:12,920
Oh, good morning.
138
00:07:13,40 --> 00:07:15,80
It's Jaqui here from
Royston Vasey Jobcentre.
139
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:18,920
A vacancy has just cropped up
due to illness, so | was...
140
00:07:19,40 --> 00:07:21,920
Don't hang up, don't hang up.
I'm in. Yeah.
141
00:07:22,40 --> 00:07:23,840
Now, what job is it?
142
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:25,640
Yes, I've got a pen!
143
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,360
Uh-huh...
144
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:31,400
What's an assistant
food science operative?
145
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,160
Two cheeseburgers.
146
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,760
That's, er, £3.60, please.
147
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,520
Thank you. Enjoy your meal.
148
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:42,560
Excuse me!
149
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:45,00
| did say, "Enjoy your meal."
150
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:46,280
Oh. Thank you.
151
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,960
That's all it takes.
152
00:07:48,80 --> 00:07:49,360
Well, go on, then!
153
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,360
Piss off!
154
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:54,760
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
155
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,360
What?
156
00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:57,920
Not you, Mickey, love.
157
00:07:58,40 --> 00:07:59,840
This is a good little job
for you, in't it?
158
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,440
But, you see,
159
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:04,480
| am a professional.
I've got diplomas.
160
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,600
| should be sat at a desk now,
with all pens laid out.
161
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,160
You've not been at them apple
pies again, have you, Mickey?
162
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:13,400
| told you they were hot!
163
00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:15,880
Now, come here!
Let's have a look.
164
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:21,40
Just show me. Now, come on,
don't be such a baby!
165
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:26,400
Why are we hiding?
166
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,520
- It's Ross.
- Oh!
167
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,320
What are you doing?!
168
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,880
He's the bastard that got me
sacked in the first place.
169
00:08:34,00 --> 00:08:36,640
lam not having him
see me working here.
170
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:38,640
Can | have a vegeburger,
please?
171
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,680
Erm...
172
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:44,560
(WEIRD, INDETERMINATE ACCENT)
Yeah, er, comin’ right up!
173
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,760
Mickey, vegeburger!
174
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:49,560
Quick!
175
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,80
It doesn't matter!
176
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:56,120
Erm, do you want mustard
on your vegeburger?
177
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,200
Yes, please.
178
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,200
Mickey, Mickey! Squeeze us
one of them spots in.
179
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,280
- What?
- A nice big fat yellow one.
180
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,440
- Why?
- I'm gonna teach
181
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:07,00
that smug little get
a lesson.
182
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,920
- (HAWKS)
- Pauline!
183
00:09:10,40 --> 00:09:12,240
What did | used to teach you,
Mickey, love?
184
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:16,240
Always put something of
yourself into every job you do.
185
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:19,920
But if someone finds out,
we'll get the sack.
186
00:09:20,40 --> 00:09:21,480
No-one's gonna find out.
187
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,80
Now, come on,
188
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,120
a nice big one off your back.
That's it.
189
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,80
(CHIMES PLAY)
190
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,160
OK, I'll see you tonight, then.
191
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,800
No, I'm looking forward to it!
192
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:39,240
I've got to go.
193
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,360
Yeah. Bye!
194
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,920
Which way to casualty?
It won't stop.
195
00:09:45,40 --> 00:09:46,760
Join the queue.
196
00:09:58,40 --> 00:10:00,200
- Ah, Mr, erm...?
- Bamford.
197
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:01,680
Bamford, yes.
How are you feeling?
198
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:03,400
- Oh, much better, thanks.
- Good, good.
199
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,440
Well, I've got the results back
now, and we're in a position
200
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:07,720
- to make a diagnosis.
- Right.
201
00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:11,440
Er, is it to do
with nosebleeds?
202
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,280
Erm...no.
203
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,960
No, it's not.
204
00:10:21,40 --> 00:10:22,120
It's, erm...
205
00:10:24,80 --> 00:10:27,200
Well, put it this way. Have you
seen Terms Of Endearment?
206
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:29,800
No, | haven't.
207
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:31,40
Ah. Well, that makes it, er...
208
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,800
Shadowlands?
209
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,240
No. | don't really go
to the cinema.
210
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:38,840
They've been on TV. Anyway,
in both, Debra Winger plays
211
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,960
characters,
different characters,
212
00:10:41,80 --> 00:10:43,520
who find out very early
in their lives that...
213
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:46,800
Well, surely you've seen
Beaches.
214
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:48,720
No. Is that Debra Winger?
215
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,760
No, it's Barbara Hershey
and, | think, Bette Midler.
216
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:54,360
In fact, it's coming on the
Beeb in the autumn, but, erm...
217
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:56,360
Yes.
218
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,200
It'll be too late by then.
219
00:10:58,320 --> 00:10:59,520
Do you like sport?
220
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:00,520
Yes!
221
00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:03,80
Good. Now, do you remember
the jockey Bob Champion?
222
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:04,480
- Erm...
- John Hurt in the film,
223
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,200
of course. Brilliant actor.
Plays all the victims,
224
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,80
doesn't he? Quentin Crisp,
Elephant Man...
225
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,280
My test results?
226
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,680
I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
All right, Mr Bamford.
227
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,960
It seems, from perusing
your results, that, erm...
228
00:11:14,80 --> 00:11:15,160
Midnight Express.
229
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:16,200
What?
230
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:18,200
The John Hurt film. Midnight
Express. Anything else?
231
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:19,440
Yes! My test results.
232
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:20,600
Oh, God!
233
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,440
All right.
234
00:11:24,40 --> 00:11:26,440
How old would you have been
next birthday?
235
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:28,920
45.
236
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,120
Look, is there something
you're not telling me?
237
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,440
Well, why can't you tell me?
238
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:39,00
Is it...bad news?
239
00:11:43,00 --> 00:11:44,200
How long have | got?
240
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:48,480
Is that a 6?
241
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:49,840
Oh. Should be a 2.
242
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,600
Oh, look, I'm sorry,
| want a second opinion.
243
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:53,520
Well, that's your prerogative.
Dr Wesley,
244
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,760
could | borrow you
for a moment, please?
245
00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:58,480
Take a look at these results,
give this man a diagnosis.
246
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,120
Hm...
247
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:03,560
Uh-huh... Yes. Tell me,
have you seen Evita?
248
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,480
Ooh, | doubt it.
He hasn't even seen Beaches.
249
00:12:08,00 --> 00:12:11,960
So, Kinder, here we are in the
lovely town of Royston Vasey!
250
00:12:12,80 --> 00:12:14,520
| don't know if any of you
have gazed your eyes
251
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:17,360
upon my little pink pomphlet,
but it does give you
252
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:20,120
some of the informations
on all the activities
253
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,560
we have planned for you.
These include...
254
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,320
...walking around
Royston Vasey...
255
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:31,280
Walking around Royston Vasey.
256
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:32,720
There are of course
257
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:34,840
many interesting buildings
in this arena,
258
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,960
and | will try and give you
an entry in all of them.
259
00:12:38,80 --> 00:12:40,720
For example, if you now
may look to your right,
260
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,240
you will see...
261
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,400
...some toilets.
262
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,160
Um, of course,
263
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:50,200
you will be staying with
some families in Royston Vasey,
264
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:53,320
and | have some boys in mind
for myself.
265
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,480
Er, can | have Dieter, please?
Where is Dieter?
266
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:57,880
Ah.
267
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,160
Do you have somewhere
to put yourself, Dieter?
268
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:03,760
Ja, Herr Lipp.
269
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,240
Schon, schon...
270
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:07,480
Such a lovely day,
don't you mind?
271
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,800
- Now, Helmut, now!
- (BRAKES SCREECH)
272
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,280
You saved my life, Dieter.
273
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:22,160
| will never forgive you.
274
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:27,200
So! | hope you all have a real
good treat of Royston Vasey!
275
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:28,800
Mm! And if you like films,
276
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,760
| saw a film at the Kino
here once, and it was...
277
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,760
...quite good. Er, alles klar?
278
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,80
- ALL: (BORED) Alles klar...
- Good!
279
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,640
So, Dieter, do you want to see
my pink pomphlet?
280
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,160
Afternoon.
281
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,480
Hiya.
282
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,920
12.60, please, love.
283
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,960
- Temperature's a little high.
- Hmm.
284
00:14:10,80 --> 00:14:11,960
Try it in his mouth.
285
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:15,00
Oh, Harvey,
286
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,600
he seems to have forgotten
everything, even his own name.
287
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,00
What are we going to do?
288
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:20,920
There's only one thing
we can do, Val.
289
00:14:21,40 --> 00:14:22,80
We're going to have to
290
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,920
teach him the household
regulations one more time.
291
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:28,600
We've learned from
all our past mistakes that
292
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:30,840
- teaching guests is tough.
- (PIANO ACCOMPANIMENT)
293
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:34,840
But now we've found a better
way we think is clear enough.
294
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,880
The old way was confusing.
295
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,480
We found it took too long.
296
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,80
# So now you are chez Denton
297
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:45,480
# Come learn our rules
in song! #
298
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:49,480
(YELLS)
299
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,520
# The bathroom
is a dangerous place
300
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,320
# Where evil germs can lurk
301
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:56,880
# To keep clean is a duty
302
00:14:57,00 --> 00:14:58,440
# From which we mustn't shirk
303
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,720
# Hygiene is a principle
304
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:02,520
# We really all must have
305
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:04,600
# So scrub your hands
with pumice stone
306
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,840
# Whenever you touch the lav
307
00:15:11,00 --> 00:15:12,360
# The kitchen can be deadly
308
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,200
# Just think of all that dirt
309
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:16,400
# To clean things
ten or fifteen times
310
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:18,80
# It really cannot hurt
311
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,280
# Imagine all the places
312
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,120
# Those naughty microbes hide
313
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,280
- # A rubbish bin
-#A soiled lid
314
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,600
# These Marigolds inside!
315
00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:29,760
# All we want is order
316
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:31,920
# Each thing in its place
317
00:15:32,40 --> 00:15:34,280
# To have it any other way
318
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,360
# Would be a damned disgrace!
319
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,80
# You see how
each thing's labelled
320
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,640
# We know where it must stay
321
00:15:41,760 --> 00:15:45,680
# Your auntie Val's
vaginal douche
322
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:51,40
# We keep behind this tray!
323
00:15:55,00 --> 00:15:57,40
# So now that we have shown you
324
00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,120
# The way that we think true
325
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:00,960
# | hope that you'll be happy
326
00:16:01,80 --> 00:16:02,800
# And know what you must do
327
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,600
# Whenever you're at toilet
328
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,920
# Please recall this song
329
00:16:07,40 --> 00:16:08,720
# Wash your hands
330
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:11,280
# Before and after
331
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:17,880
(VERY DEEP VOICE)
# During if it's long! #
332
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,200
Got that?
333
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:41,120
Hello? Home is the hunter!
334
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,120
Put the immersion on!
335
00:16:44,80 --> 00:16:45,800
Righto...
336
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,760
We keep David upstairs.
337
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,720
Strangers would not look
upon him the way we do -
338
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,400
his appearance, his ways...
339
00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:11,120
- His hot, foul breath.
- (WHIMPERS)
340
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,920
His last friend ran away.
341
00:17:19,40 --> 00:17:20,600
But he's got you now.
342
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:23,440
Remember, he'll be
more frightened of you
343
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,960
than you are of him.
344
00:17:26,80 --> 00:17:29,360
(DOOR CREAKS)
345
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:30,640
(GROWLING)
346
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,960
Someone to see you, David!
347
00:17:33,80 --> 00:17:34,640
(SHRIEKS)
348
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,200
Do you think he'll like him,
Edward?
349
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:40,00
Yes, Tubbs.
350
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:41,320
He'll like him...
351
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,80
...to pieces!
352
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:46,440
(DEEP, BLOOD-CURDLING GROWL)
353
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:48,560
(GASPS)
354
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,720
(SCREAMS)
355
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:56,880
# Bright eyes!
356
00:17:57,00 --> 00:17:59,720
# Burning like fire!
357
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,520
# Bright eyes!
358
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,40
# Da-da-da da-da-da...! #
359
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,960
(FRENCH ACCENT) It's such
a beautiful film, Patricia.
360
00:18:08,80 --> 00:18:10,440
The little rabbits,
they are so brave.
361
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:13,160
There are so many obstacles
for them to overcome.
362
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:14,440
Isn't that right, Al?
363
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,680
It is a good film, Pop.
364
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,40
You see, Patricia,
365
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,960
the magic lies in the fact
that although they are rabbits,
366
00:18:22,80 --> 00:18:26,400
really, they talk and act
like people.
367
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:32,600
Anyway! Let's talk about you,
Patricia, huh?
368
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:36,120
When you gonna make
an honest man of my son, huh?
369
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,120
- I'm sorry?
- Pops!
370
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:39,160
Well,
371
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:42,40
you make a beautiful couple.
372
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,960
You, Patricia,
with your fine skin and...
373
00:18:46,80 --> 00:18:47,440
... shapely bosom...
374
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:52,80
...and you, Al, with your good
health and thick body hair -
375
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:55,600
which he has inherited
from his pop - together,
376
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,80
you produce superior children.
377
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,840
Well, we've only just met,
really,
378
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,00
- Mr...
- Call me Pop!
379
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:05,400
Trish is a very cautious
person, Pop. She likes to...
380
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:06,640
...think things through.
381
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:08,520
What is to think about?!
382
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:11,320
You meet, you fall in love,
you marry,
383
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,80
and then you come
and live with me, huh?
384
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:17,600
Cos Pop will have a daughter
as well as sons.
385
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,720
| mean...a son.
386
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,280
(SPITS) Now,
387
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,880
eat, eat! Is good, is good!
388
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,400
You know, Patricia...
389
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,520
Al - he's not had
a proper girlfriend.
390
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:41,720
Imagine this!
33 and still no girlfriend.
391
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:43,640
| used to weep at night,
392
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,800
thinking he might be
a Mary queen.
393
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,680
"American"?
394
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,600
No, a Mary queen!
395
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:53,120
A poof! A shit stabber!
396
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,120
Then...
397
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:58,760
.. he said to me,
"Pop, | met a beautiful girl.
398
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,840
"She works in the hospital
as a nurse."
399
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:05,280
- Pop, please.
- "She's got a great ass, Pop.
400
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:06,440
"A great ass.
401
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,240
"| would love to go to bed
with her very much!"
402
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:12,200
So | said to him,
"You be a man!"
403
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:14,160
All my life, | try to make
aman of my son.
404
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:17,520
When he's a little boy,
we sit down together
405
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,520
and watch a video.
One of my favourites.
406
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,600
Watership Down?
407
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,280
No.
408
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:29,00
It's called The Ass Master.
It's German.
409
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:31,880
It's about a guy
with a video camera,
410
00:20:32,00 --> 00:20:35,440
and he goes around filming
the asses of beautiful women.
411
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:37,320
Then he take 'em
back to his hotel room...
412
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:41,440
- Pop!
- Hey! What's the matter, huh?
413
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,400
Perhaps now you have no use
for your dirty movie,
414
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:47,480
now you have met
your wife-to-be, huh?
415
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:50,600
Mind you...
Patricia - she has real class,
416
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:54,360
not like those television
whores you like so much!
417
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:58,160
You will not see Patricia
making lesbian action
418
00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,680
on the floor of
an Austrian barn, huh?
419
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:06,00
Now, you must
excuse me, Patricia.
420
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:08,240
| have to go and make a piss.
421
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,280
Al, I'm going.
422
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,120
I'm so sorry. Please stay
a bit longer. Pop'll want to
423
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:15,720
- go to sleep soon.
- Hey-hey-hey!
424
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,800
What are you talkin’ about?
425
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,560
You chat away
like a pair of real lovebirds.
426
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:22,840
Just talking, Pop.
427
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:27,280
And yet your Patricia,
she will not talk to me.
428
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:33,80
Why is she so shy? Is she
frightened of her new pop?
429
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:35,560
No.
430
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:38,680
We are all friends here.
431
00:21:40,80 --> 00:21:42,240
All friends.
432
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:47,160
Al, it's time now for dessert.
433
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,440
Why don't you go and fetch us
a Kinder Egg each
434
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:51,120
from the box in the attic?
435
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:53,920
Er, Trish doesn't really
like chocolate, Pop.
436
00:21:54,40 --> 00:21:55,920
She doesn't have to
eat the chocolate!
437
00:21:56,40 --> 00:21:58,320
She can play with
the toy inside. Now go.
438
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:00,00
- | think...
- Go!
439
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:07,160
(FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS)
440
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:13,360
You know my philosophy,
Patricia?
441
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:17,440
Pop say life
is like a newsagent's.
442
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,800
There are many things
to tempt you.
443
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:23,960
Some thing in life - the
Yorkie bars, the cream sodas -
444
00:22:24,80 --> 00:22:25,760
they are easy.
445
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,480
But the best things in life -
446
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:32,560
the box of Milk Tray,
the dirty books -
447
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:34,800
they are on the top shelf.
448
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,120
You have to reach for them!
449
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:42,120
My son Al is a good boy,
450
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:44,920
but still he is only a boy.
451
00:22:46,40 --> 00:22:47,720
A woman like you, Patricia,
452
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,40
should know the touch
of a real man.
453
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:54,120
Feel my breath on your face.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
454
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:58,320
| am hot for you, Patricia,
455
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:00,00
like a tube of Murray Mints
456
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:02,600
that have been
left out in the sun,
457
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:05,360
hot and hard.
458
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:08,80
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
- | couldn't find them, Pop.
459
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,00
What do you mean,
you couldn't find them?
460
00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:11,520
Go and look harder!
461
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:14,760
- | think | should stay here...
- Do as you're told, you pig!
462
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,80
- I'm sorry, Mr...
- No!
463
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,240
- | really have to leave.
- No!
464
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,240
You see?
465
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,560
Patricia - she don't love you
any more!
466
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,680
Well...
467
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:29,880
...you cannot...trust a woman.
468
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,960
Hey, what say me and you,
469
00:23:35,80 --> 00:23:38,120
we watch a video
before we go to bed, eh?
470
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:40,920
One of my favourites.
471
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:45,200
Hey, shh-shh-shh-shh.
No need to cry.
472
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:49,160
# Bright eyes
473
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,960
# Burning like fire
474
00:23:53,80 --> 00:23:54,440
# Bright eyes... #
475
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,80
Thanks for coming out
476
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:58,280
- so late, Veterinary.
- It's no problem, Mr Hart.
477
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,680
Just admiring your collection.
478
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,120
Yeah, me koi carp. But that's
not what I've brought you
479
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:04,520
- out for, Veterinary.
- No?
480
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,400
- It's Curly here.
- What's the matter with him?
481
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:10,720
Well, normally,
he loves his locusts,
482
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:12,40
but, | dunno, to me,
483
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,360
he just can't seem
to get a grip on 'em.
484
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:19,600
Hello! Hello, Curly.
485
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:24,440
Oh, yes. It's a common
enough complaint,
486
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:26,600
not dissimilar to gingivitis.
487
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,760
Years of accumulated chitin
have taken their toll.
488
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:33,120
Oh, well, | suppose, like,
he needs just a good dentist!
489
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:38,280
Yes, that's right. Just bring
him down here, Mr Hart.
490
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,560
Oh, God! What's that?!
491
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:46,960
Oh, it's just really
a big electric toothbrush.
492
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:52,40
(MACHINE WHIRS)
493
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:56,360
- It doesn't hurt him, does it?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
494
00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:58,240
It's just a bit abrasive.
495
00:24:58,360 --> 00:24:59,920
Ah...
496
00:25:00,40 --> 00:25:01,160
What's up?
497
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:04,440
These back teeth
are a little impacted.
498
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,800
I'm afraid we may have to
perform an extraction.
499
00:25:11,920 --> 00:25:14,40
You see, the inflammation
on the gums
500
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,720
has probably been
causing Curly a lot of pain.
501
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:19,40
No wonder he's been
off his locusts.
502
00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:20,480
What | can do
503
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,680
is clean up the area
around the gums as best | can.
504
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:36,280
Oh, dear.
505
00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:42,320
Plenty more fish in the sea...
506
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,960
(MOANS OF PLEASURE)
507
00:25:51,80 --> 00:25:54,360
You're a very, very
naughty boy!
508
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:58,840
(LAUGHS) And he plays
all the parts, doesn't he?
509
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:02,400
So he's Robin Hood, and he's
got the feather in his cap.
510
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,800
And he plays all the parts
himself. So he's the arrow
511
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:08,160
flying through the air
and he's the Merry Men,
512
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:09,680
and then
he's the bloomin' stag!
513
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:11,720
And me and Sunny
are sitting there,
514
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:13,760
the tears rolling down
our faces.
515
00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:16,360
Later on, this fella
comes up to me and...says...
516
00:26:20,80 --> 00:26:22,280
I'll go and get some crisps.
517
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:41,760
It's all right.
518
00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:44,320
It's all right.
519
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:47,640
It's all right.
520
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:58,160
OK, Kinder, now | need everyone
to find their cases.
521
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:00,640
- Are you a little bit lost?
- (THUNDER CRASHES)
522
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:02,560
Whose is that? | think it's
Gibbo's. OK, Gibbo, would...?
523
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:04,680
WOMAN: Herr Lipp!
524
00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:09,600
Mrs Smart, head of German.
| think you're staying with me.
525
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:11,840
No, that's not true.
526
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:14,600
I'm to be staying
with a young gentleman
527
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:16,880
whose name is...Bobby.
528
00:27:17,00 --> 00:27:19,680
Oh, that's me.
Bobbi with an |.
529
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,00
- It's short for Roberta.
- Oh...
530
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:25,520
- That's...not normal.
- I'm afraid we're a bit
531
00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:26,960
pushed for space
at the moment.
532
00:27:27,80 --> 00:27:28,640
How do you feel
about sharing a room?
533
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:30,440
What?
534
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:32,880
Oh, not with me! With my son.
535
00:27:33,00 --> 00:27:34,960
It's just that we've had
the decorators in
536
00:27:35,80 --> 00:27:37,120
and the house is
a bit of a mess...
537
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:38,880
- (VOICE FADES)
- (ROMANTIC MUSIC)
538
00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:46,440
Her name?
539
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:48,360
What is her name?
540
00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:50,680
His name's Justin.
541
00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:53,320
(VOICE ECHOES)
Justin... Justin...
542
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:54,960
Justin...
543
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:02,320
I'm afraid he's very poor
with his German,
544
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:05,320
so | hope you're going to
rub off on him in some way.
545
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:08,80
| will do my best. | promise.
546
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:10,240
I'm terribly sorry,
547
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:12,160
but we're totally baffled
as to what's causing it.
548
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:14,760
He came in this morning with
a nosebleed. The next thing...
549
00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:16,600
| can't tell you
how he actually died,
550
00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:19,240
but I'm sure he was
very peaceful at the end.
551
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:25,40
(SOBS)
552
00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:26,720
Have you seen...?
553
00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:30,440
Doesn't matter.
36718
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