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1
00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:17,440
(SHOP BELL RINGS)
2
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:43,840
Yes?
3
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:46,920
Hi.
4
00:00:47,40 --> 00:00:48,840
Can | help you at all?
5
00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:51,440
Don't you know who | am?
6
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:54,80
Well, this is a local shop
for local people.
7
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,760
There's nothing for you here.
8
00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:00,00
I'd, um, like to buy
the snowstorms.
9
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:01,480
All of them.
10
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:03,320
- The precious things?!
- Yeah.
11
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,400
In fact...
I'd like to buy it all.
12
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:08,320
Everything in the shop.
13
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:09,760
How much would that be?
14
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,240
Well...
15
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,800
...that's, er...
16
00:01:16,00 --> 00:01:18,680
Seven and twelvety pounds.
17
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:22,800
Would you, um...
18
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,640
...put it all on this, please?
19
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:34,520
Look at the name!
20
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:37,800
Who are you?
21
00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:39,360
Are you local?
22
00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:40,880
Yes.
23
00:01:41,00 --> 00:01:42,600
It's me, Mum.
24
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:46,520
David.
25
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,00
David...
26
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,40
I'm your son.
27
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,880
POSTBOx: My next collection
is at 3.30.
28
00:02:02,00 --> 00:02:03,600
My last one ts at eight.
29
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:07,760
(GASPS)
30
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:12,80
Come along, girls. You'll miss
the bus to the farm.
31
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,120
(IN UNISON) We want
Benjamin to come.
32
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,760
- Oh, yes...
- No. He can't.
33
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,680
He doesn't go on school trips.
He's a grown-up.
34
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:24,800
And he and Daddy have some...
grown-up things to discuss.
35
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,80
Come along.
36
00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:31,520
Bye.
37
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,320
So, Benjamin,
38
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:39,280
we do agree that you have
to make amends for this...
39
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:40,960
...accident?
40
00:03:41,80 --> 00:03:42,520
Yes.
41
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,400
And you are prepared
to do anything
42
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:48,640
that might be...
required of you?
43
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:50,760
- Yes.
- Very well.
44
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:52,920
If you care to accompany me
to the bathroom...
45
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,520
...we can begin.
46
00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:57,840
Val!
47
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,520
- Do you have the lubricant?
- Yes.
48
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:06,520
And the rest.
49
00:04:09,80 --> 00:04:12,120
BARBARA: It's not like you,
Geoff, getting a taxi to work.
50
00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,320
Well,
| thought I'd treat meself.
51
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,200
It's a special day for me,
this.
52
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:18,520
Me too. I'm going in for me op.
53
00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,560
It's the biggy.
54
00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:24,240
Oh. Are you nervous about it?
55
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:25,840
Not really.
56
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,40
One little prick
and it'll all be over.
57
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:31,280
- Oh.
- Yeah.
58
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:32,840
Then they cut me cock off.
59
00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,800
Don't you remember?
60
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,880
| went away - to college.
61
00:04:45,00 --> 00:04:47,520
- Local college?
- No.
62
00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:49,40
London.
63
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:50,240
London...
64
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,440
Yes! Yes, London.
65
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,320
You bought me this.
66
00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:58,880
Look, Mum,
| wanted to tell you...
67
00:04:59,00 --> 00:05:00,400
- (SHOP BELL RINGS)
- Hello, hello,
68
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,120
what's going on? What's
all this shouting? We'll...
69
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:05,920
...have no trouble here.
70
00:05:06,40 --> 00:05:09,200
It's David! He's our son!
71
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:10,600
He's no son of mine!
72
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,80
Didn't you see the signs?
73
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,280
Strangers are simply
not welcome here.
74
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,480
Edward! Do you deny him?
75
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:17,680
It's all right, Mum.
76
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,640
He left the town
of his own free will.
77
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,160
He'll return
from whence he came.
78
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:22,280
Dad...
79
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,520
| trust the use of force
will not be necessary.
80
00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:25,840
Dad!
81
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,760
Mum...
82
00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:29,880
There's something
| have to tell you both.
83
00:05:31,00 --> 00:05:32,920
Are you gay?
84
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:36,280
No.
85
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,920
When | went away from here,
| went to college, as you know.
86
00:05:40,40 --> 00:05:41,800
And then | set up
my own business.
87
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:44,560
It's a construction company.
88
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:48,880
No...
89
00:05:49,00 --> 00:05:50,560
We specialise in...
90
00:05:52,40 --> 00:05:53,240
...foad building.
91
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:54,680
No!
92
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,640
| fought for this contract,
Dad!
93
00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:57,920
Not my son!
94
00:05:58,40 --> 00:05:59,280
| was just trying
to bring us closer together.
95
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,160
By tearing down
the local shop’?!
96
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:04,800
No! It's called progress.
97
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:06,640
There's a whole world
out there.
98
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:08,360
There's nothing
to be afraid of.
99
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:11,360
Look, why don't you come
and stay with me in London?
100
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:12,760
Maybe just for a weekend.
101
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:15,280
Yes! A weekend!
102
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,00
Edward, may we, may we,
may we’?!
103
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:18,640
- Silence!
- Oh!
104
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:20,40
(TUBBS SOBS)
105
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:23,640
You should not
have come back here.
106
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:35,280
Listen, Mum, pack some things.
I'm taking you with me.
107
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:36,760
No, | can't!
108
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,400
Dad can't keep you here
against your will.
109
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,120
Look, I've got some business
to attend to at the site,
110
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,40
and then I'll come
and pick you up.
111
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:43,120
TUBBS: Yes!
112
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,280
Yes!
113
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,840
Come for me when the fiery ball
weighs heavy in the sky!
114
00:06:51,40 --> 00:06:52,200
About seven, then?
115
00:06:54,40 --> 00:06:55,680
| love you, Mum.
116
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,480
What is...love?
117
00:07:11,40 --> 00:07:14,400
POSTBOx: Thank you for posting
a letter inside me.
118
00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:18,480
(MUSIC ON RADIO)
119
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,80
(BARBARA HUMS ALONG)
120
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,760
Hokey-cokey, pig-in-a-pokey!
121
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:31,600
Good morning, jobseekers!
122
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,240
Morning, Pauline!
123
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,120
Well, as I'm sure
you're all aware,
124
00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:39,120
today's a very special day -
125
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:42,960
because we've all come to
the end of our Restart course.
126
00:07:43,80 --> 00:07:45,120
- AWWW.
- Thank God.
127
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,440
| want to thank you all
for being so well behaved.
128
00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:50,280
You've been a lovely bunch...
on the whole.
129
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,40
| know it's been hard,
130
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:55,680
dragging yourselves out of bed
at 9am for six weeks in a row.
131
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,680
But it was either that,
or have your benefit stopped.
132
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,360
And let's face it, jobseekers,
133
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,680
you all need your beer money,
don't you?
134
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,680
How would you stagger
from one giro to the next
135
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:07,00
if you weren't mindless pissed
every night?
136
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,240
You'd probably
all kill yourselves.
137
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:10,440
Hey, that's a thought!
138
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,80
That'd get the unemployment
figures down, wouldn't it?
139
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:16,840
Yeah, | was joking, gents.
140
00:08:18,40 --> 00:08:19,360
Right.
Well, as it's the last day,
141
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,240
| thought we'd play a game
I've invented
142
00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,240
called Shop A Scrounger.
143
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,240
Here, Pauline!
144
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:27,240
What's this, Mickey?
145
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:28,960
| brung you a present.
146
00:08:29,80 --> 00:08:31,160
A present? For me?
147
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:32,280
Why?
148
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:34,560
Dunno.
149
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,160
Think | like you.
150
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:37,840
Awww.
151
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,320
- What is it?
- It's a pen.
152
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:46,800
| can see that. But...
153
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:52,200
Like Swap Shop.
154
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,640
Thank you, Mickey.
155
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,760
| shall treasure this.
156
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,120
Can / have a word with you,
Pauline?
157
00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:10,440
What is it, Ross?
158
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:13,320
What have you bought for me?
A lump of poison?
159
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,960
No, it's better than that.
160
00:09:16,80 --> 00:09:17,680
Well, come on, then.
Spit it out.
161
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:20,00
Don't be so...egregious.
162
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:22,840
All right, then.
163
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,600
Well, | regret to inform you
that, as of 4pm today,
164
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,360
you are suspended from
the employment service,
165
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:30,240
pending further investigation.
166
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,200
Oh, piss off!
167
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:36,280
| work for the social security,
Pauline.
168
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:38,520
Internal Investigations.
169
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,600
I've been assessing
your working practices
170
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:42,160
over the last few weeks
171
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:43,840
and, frankly, I'm appalled.
172
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:47,00
You what? You work?
173
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,160
You don't have to come here
if you work, Ross!
174
00:09:51,40 --> 00:09:53,480
This is all the evidence | need
for your instant dismissal,
175
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,320
and believe me,
I'm going to push for that.
176
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:56,440
What is it?
177
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:57,800
It's my report.
178
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,400
"Use of abusive
and threatening language.
179
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,400
"Unprompted violence
and physical attacks."
180
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:04,560
Oh, sit down, Ross!
181
00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:06,440
You think I'm gonna fall
for that one?
182
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:08,720
- (CLICK)
- You work-shy set of bastards!
183
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,00
What's the point in you...
184
00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:13,360
Sit up straight,
you bone-idle lazy cu...
185
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,480
(CLICK)
186
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:17,800
What's that?
187
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:20,560
That was your workshop on
self-esteem for the unemployed.
188
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,720
Well, it was only a bit of fun.
189
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,280
It's not a joke, Pauline.
You're finished.
190
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:28,560
| shall personally see to it
191
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:31,00
that you never work in
the employment service again.
192
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,720
I'm afraid I'll have to ask
for your pens back.
193
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,720
No, Ross!
194
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:38,680
Leave me me pens.
195
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,320
Please?
196
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,160
They're no longer
your property.
197
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,640
You'll be hearing from us.
198
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:51,80
This course is finished,
everyone.
199
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,560
Wait... Wait, wait!
200
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:57,800
You'll never get away
with this, Ross.
201
00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,00
Why not? All | have to do
is file this report.
202
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,320
I'm not talkin’
about your report!
203
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:05,00
| wouldn't wipe
me big fat arse on it!
204
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,760
What, then?
205
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,920
You've been working
206
00:11:09,40 --> 00:11:10,640
and signing on.
207
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,680
And that, jobseekers,
208
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,840
is acrime!
209
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,920
We lose millions a year
to people like Ross!
210
00:11:18,40 --> 00:11:21,680
If you do any part-time work,
you have to declare it.
211
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,160
Well, don't you see, gents?
212
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:26,960
He's nothing but a...
but a dole cheat!
213
00:11:27,80 --> 00:11:28,400
Maybe.
214
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:29,960
But I'm not unemployed.
215
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:32,680
What?
216
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,240
I'm not unemployed.
217
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,520
You are.
218
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,880
(QUIET SOBBING)
219
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,960
All right, everyone.
| hope you're enjoying
220
00:12:02,80 --> 00:12:04,440
your trip to Mr Tinsel's farm.
221
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:06,640
And now...what | hope
will be the highlight -
222
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:10,240
a chance for us all to witness
the first faltering steps
223
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:11,800
of a tiny new life.
224
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:13,00
(COW MOOS)
225
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,360
And this is the star
of our show, as it were -
226
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,520
- Monica the cow.
- (MOOING)
227
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:21,520
And poor old Monica has been
in labour for almost 12 hours.
228
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,640
Now, what we mean by that
is that the little baby cow
229
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:25,760
has been trying to come out
of its mummy's womb.
230
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:28,160
- Yes?
- What's a womb, Mr Chinnery?
231
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,560
The womb is a special place
inside Monica
232
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:32,120
where the baby grows.
233
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,880
But sometimes, the baby cow
needs a little help coming out,
234
00:12:35,00 --> 00:12:36,600
and that's what
we're going to have to do now.
235
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,280
So what | have to do is put
my hand inside Monica...
236
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,960
CHILDREN: Urgh!
237
00:12:42,80 --> 00:12:44,680
..and attach this rope
around the baby's hooves.
238
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:46,160
Then we give a great big tug
239
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,80
and out will pop
the little calf.
240
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,720
So, here we go.
241
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,00
(SQUELCHING)
242
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,280
(LOUD MOOING)
243
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,600
Urgh, he's stuck his hand
up its bum.
244
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,960
| know that's what
it looks like.
245
00:13:02,80 --> 00:13:03,240
(LOUD MOOING)
246
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,600
No. | am, of course,
inserting my arm
247
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,440
into the other passage.
248
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,240
It is its bottom.
249
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,960
| saw it lift its tail
and poo came out of it.
250
00:13:15,80 --> 00:13:16,640
No, no, no, no.
251
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:19,920
My father knows about
these things, Mr Chinnery.
252
00:13:20,40 --> 00:13:21,400
It is its rectum.
253
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:22,800
No, no.
254
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,240
(LOUD MOOING)
255
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,440
It is tight, though.
256
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,280
(LOUD MOOING)
257
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,720
No wonder
it's a difficult labour.
258
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:34,560
Ah. These feel like the hooves.
259
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,320
I'll just get the rope
around them.
260
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,280
Now, who would like
to come up here
261
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,720
and help me
pull the baby calf out?
262
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:42,800
| will.
263
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:44,240
OK. What's your name, love?
264
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:46,920
- Natalie.
- OK, Natalie.
265
00:13:47,40 --> 00:13:49,600
Just...
Just get hold of that there.
266
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:52,680
OK? And we'll pull together.
All right? And...
267
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:54,840
- ...pull!
- (LOUD MOOING)
268
00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:57,480
- Pull!
- (LOUD MOOING)
269
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:58,960
Pull!
270
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:03,480
CHILDREN: Urgh!
271
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,200
There we go.
272
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:10,440
It looks like offal,
Mr Chinnery.
273
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,520
No, no, no. That's the...
274
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,320
That's just the birth...sac.
275
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,40
Isn't that a liver?
276
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,40
Oh, Christ...
277
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,120
Don't look, Natalie.
278
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:22,360
Don't look.
279
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:26,320
All right, Veterinary?
How's she doin'?
280
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,760
I'm afraid there have been
one or two...complications.
281
00:14:49,00 --> 00:14:51,760
NURSE: We just have to runa
few tests before the operation,
282
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:54,960
make sure everything's
in full working order.
283
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:02,40
So if you could just
give us a specimen...
284
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:04,40
Right. Um...
285
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:05,960
(NURSE COUGHS)
286
00:15:06,80 --> 00:15:10,520
| just wanna do it standing up.
For old times' sake.
287
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:14,640
And he will come
288
00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:17,920
and give strength to hands
that tremble with weakness
289
00:15:18,40 --> 00:15:20,320
and to legs that are lame.
290
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:24,160
The crippled will cast away
their crutches,
291
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:25,520
leap and dance,
292
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:28,280
jump up and down
In praise of the Lord
293
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:31,880
and receive
all the blessings of heaven.
294
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,480
But it doesn't say they have
to have six parking bays
295
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:38,800
at Safeway, does it?
296
00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,240
They're always empty.
297
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:42,400
| left the car
for five minutes -
298
00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,680
| only nipped in
for a bottle of Taboo.
299
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:47,720
When | came out,
the bugger's clamped.
300
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:51,480
| said to the fella, "Would it
have made a difference
301
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,480
"if I'd have had a stick
and a limp?"
302
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,280
Ramps outside libraries!
303
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,240
And their toilets are massive!
304
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:01,440
Hymn number 168 -
305
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,240
Glad That | Live Am I.
306
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,480
(BOTTLES CLANK)
307
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,880
(THUNDER CRASHES)
308
00:16:16,00 --> 00:16:17,560
(TYRES SCREECH)
309
00:16:21,00 --> 00:16:22,280
DAVID: Dad...
310
00:16:26,80 --> 00:16:27,920
(THUNDER CRASHES)
311
00:16:28,40 --> 00:16:29,320
EDWARD: We need to talk.
312
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:37,680
That really set the cat
amongst the pigeons, didn't it?
313
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,160
Because the report's
nowhere near ready
314
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:40,720
but I've given
this specific date.
315
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,760
- Bloody hell!
- Anybody want another drink?
316
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:43,960
- Er, no, thanks, Geoff.
- Brian?
317
00:16:44,80 --> 00:16:45,960
No, thanks, Geoff. So | find
myself at this conference...
318
00:16:46,80 --> 00:16:47,320
Oh, give it a rest, Brian!
319
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:49,640
Eh?
320
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,480
Well, can you not talk
about something else?
321
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,520
There are other things
in the world to talk about
322
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:55,880
apart from work, you know!
323
00:16:56,00 --> 00:16:58,560
Leave him alone, Geoff.
He's only telling a story.
324
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,480
| Know, but he's boring,
though, in't he, Mike?
325
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:02,720
I'm sorry, Geoff. If...
326
00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:04,520
- No, carry on, Brian.
- Oh, no!
327
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:08,520
No, please.
I'm sorry, Brian. Carry on.
328
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:13,800
| found myself
at this conference,
329
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:14,840
waiting to deliver...
330
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,760
It's just that...
331
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,400
Well...today's me birthday.
332
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,240
Oh, Geoff, it's not?
333
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:23,400
Oh, happy...
334
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,280
Happy birthday, mate!
335
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,680
It don't matter.
| just thought I'd tell you.
336
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,640
- Why didn't you tell us?
- Well, | have now, haven't I?
337
00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:29,920
Course, we should have
remembered.
338
00:17:30,40 --> 00:17:31,160
We were here this time
last year, weren't we?
339
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:32,520
Yeah.
340
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:33,960
And the year before that.
341
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,200
Well, er, happy birthday,
Geoff.
342
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,280
How old are you now? 43?
343
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:40,720
He's older than that.
Aren't you, Geoff?
344
00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:42,240
40.
345
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:44,720
I'm 40.
346
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:46,120
Oh.
347
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,40
You don''t...
348
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:49,520
...100k it.
349
00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:52,760
Well, er, many happy returns,
Geoff.
350
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,160
- Cheers.
- Thanks, Mike.
351
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:55,280
Cheers, Bri.
352
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,160
(MIKE EXHALES)
353
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,40
So, go on, Bri.
You're at this conference...
354
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,760
Yeah. So I'm sitting there,
and Butler finishes
355
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:09,960
the introductions.
I'm sitting there...
356
00:18:10,80 --> 00:18:12,560
| brought these...hats.
357
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,160
You don''t...
358
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:15,320
...have to wear 'em.
359
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,160
- No, no, we will, won't we?
- Yeah.
360
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,840
Which one d'you want, Bri?
The yellow one?
361
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,280
- Why not?
- There you are.
362
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,320
- Right.
- No, don't bother. It's naff.
363
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:23,480
No, you get yours on,
birthday boy.
364
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:24,640
- Come on.
- All right. Look...
365
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,320
Mike, Brian, | just...
366
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,960
Look, | wanna...say thanks.
367
00:18:29,80 --> 00:18:31,480
Thanks for...coming out
wi' me today.
368
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:32,520
Oh, it was no bother, Geoff.
369
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:35,00
We were coming here anyway,
weren't we, Mike?
370
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:37,280
| Know sometimes | get mad,
371
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,560
and, er,
372
00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:40,560
well, recently,
I've said a few stupid things.
373
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:41,760
| can't help...it.
374
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,160
It's just he way | am.
375
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:44,840
But I'm older now and...
376
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,120
You're only as old
as the woman you feel!
377
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:50,360
All right, now, serious, Mike.
378
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:53,200
I'm older now, and, um, well...
379
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,880
I've made a decision...
380
00:18:55,00 --> 00:18:56,600
...and I'm sticking to it.
381
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:57,760
I'm glad to hear it, Geoff,
382
00:18:57,880 --> 00:18:59,840
cos sometimes
you can be a right psycho!
383
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:01,160
Brian!
384
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,00
No, that's very good,
that is, Geoff.
385
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:04,640
| want nothing but the best
for you.
386
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,400
You've got your whole life
ahead of you now.
387
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,360
Yep. Life begins at 40,
Geoffrey.
388
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,520
Yes, well, so they say,
so they say.
389
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,480
Well, I've said me piece
and that's me done.
390
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:13,960
I'm bloody parched.
I'm off to the lav.
391
00:19:14,80 --> 00:19:15,240
Get them drinks in, you.
392
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:16,600
All right. Waiter.
393
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:19,80
(WHISPERS)
You can let 'em all in now.
394
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,280
(GUFFAWS)
395
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,680
| couldn't keep
a straight face!
396
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,00
Hiya, Cheryl, love.
397
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,480
Come on. Hurry up! Come on.
398
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,360
Have you got t'banner?
Who's got t'banner?
399
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,00
| can't believe
he thinks we forgot.
400
00:19:30,120 --> 00:19:32,640
| Know. Look. Poor bugger.
He's brought his own hats!
401
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,160
He'll get the shock
of his life.
402
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:37,960
| Know. Now, be quiet. He's
only in t'bogs, you know. Shh.
403
00:19:38,80 --> 00:19:39,920
What's that?
404
00:19:40,40 --> 00:19:41,00
Oh, no, don't say he's brought
405
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,280
his own bloody birthday cards
as well, has he?
406
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:44,640
(LAUGHTER)
407
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,560
What does it say, Mike?
408
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:51,760
"| hate you, Mike.
409
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,880
"Tell Brian | hate him too.
410
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,240
"| needed your help.
411
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,760
"You always knew
| had this gun.
412
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:10,00
"Geoff."
413
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,360
- Geoff?!
- (GUNSHOT)
414
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,320
Grip the shaft firmly...
415
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,840
No, nearer the base.
416
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,520
Try going round and round more,
417
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,360
rather than up and down.
418
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,640
You're doing very well.
419
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,40
It's basic hygiene, Benjamin.
420
00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:35,720
The cleaning items must
themselves be spick and span.
421
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,680
A dirty brush
is a useless brush!
422
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:38,960
So, once you've finished
with these,
423
00:20:39,80 --> 00:20:40,600
if you could turn
your attention to the items
424
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,800
with which
you've been cleaning.
425
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:45,200
- What about them?
- Well, they need cleaning too.
426
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,600
And what am | supposed
to clean them with?
427
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:48,960
These.
428
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:53,320
In this house
we wage a constant battle
429
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:55,960
against the microbe
and the germ.
430
00:20:56,80 --> 00:20:58,360
And | suppose | have to clean
those once I'm done with them?
431
00:20:58,480 --> 00:20:59,840
Naturally.
432
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,200
Oh, for Christ's sake!
433
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:03,400
As if it matters!
434
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,400
As if any of it matters!
435
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,80
Look, I'm gonna hang the black
scissors on the blue hook!
436
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,360
- Oh...
- (VAL YELPS)
437
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,560
Oh, | need to dry my hands!
438
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:15,840
What shall | dry them with?
439
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,680
What happens if | use the white
towel instead of the brown?!
440
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:19,920
What happens then?!
441
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,640
| can't even have a shit
without someone
442
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,680
peeping though the keyhole
to check that I'm not...
443
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,80
Conducting yourself
in a solo symphony?
444
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,240
Let me out!
445
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:35,280
Poor Benjamin.
446
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:37,800
Benjamin...
447
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:42,160
Life writes many
different stories upon us.
448
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:44,320
Stories that make us
what we are.
449
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:49,120
| myself was a shy
and awkward boy,
450
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,280
afflicted
with terrible facial warts.
451
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:54,800
Oh, yes.
452
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:58,640
People would...whisper
behind my back,
453
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,280
“There goes Harvey Toad-Face!"
454
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:03,600
Or, "Quick, hide!
Toad-Face Denton is coming."
455
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,80
And that was just
his mother and father.
456
00:22:07,80 --> 00:22:09,840
But the toad can teach us
many lessons.
457
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:13,240
Its life cycle is a model
of order and simplicity.
458
00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:15,200
All we've ever sought to do
459
00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:18,440
is create a similar harmony
for ourselves and...
460
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:21,640
...those we love.
461
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:28,80
Look, I...didn't mean
to upset you.
462
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,120
If you feel uncomfortable,
463
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,280
then, of course, you must go.
464
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,640
But don't judge us too harshly.
465
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:37,320
We simply sought to...
466
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:41,200
...express our love
in the only way we knew how.
467
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:45,600
Benjamin.
468
00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:47,760
Before you go,
469
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:49,400
we'd like to give you
something.
470
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:50,720
Of course.
471
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:53,120
What is it?
472
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:56,120
It's this.
473
00:22:58,200 --> 00:22:59,200
An itemised bill
474
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:02,00
covering expenses
incurred during your stay.
475
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:03,480
Wear and tear to carpets.
476
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,80
Dust creation
and subsequent removal.
477
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,960
Disproportionate
consumption of toilet tissue,
478
00:23:09,80 --> 00:23:11,840
used while pleasuring yourself
to wicked extremes.
479
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:14,520
Cheque or Visa would be fine.
480
00:23:44,00 --> 00:23:44,960
(SNIFFS)
481
00:23:45,80 --> 00:23:46,400
Um...
482
00:23:46,520 --> 00:23:48,880
Brian's waiting for the police.
483
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,00
- Are you OK?
- Yeah.
484
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,240
Oh, Geoff.
485
00:24:01,880 --> 00:24:04,00
You had everything to live for.
486
00:24:06,00 --> 00:24:07,280
(SNIFFS)
487
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:11,480
Why'd you have to go and
do something stupid like this?!
488
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,480
To see the look on your faces!
489
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,920
- Geoff?
- (GEOFF LAUGHS)
490
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,160
Oh, | got you, didn't I?
They were blanks!
491
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:27,360
Oh, you...baby!
492
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,80
(GEOFF LAUGHS)
493
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:35,160
It was only a joke.
494
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,360
Hello, hello, Tubbs.
What's going on?
495
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,880
What's all this shouting?
We'll have no trouble here.
496
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:47,800
I'm leaving you, Edward.
497
00:24:50,80 --> 00:24:51,320
What?
498
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:52,800
I'm leaving you.
499
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:55,480
| hate this town
and | hate this shop!
500
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,440
David's taking me to London.
501
00:24:58,560 --> 00:24:59,600
No.
502
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:02,480
We're going shopping
at Harvey Nicks
503
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:03,920
and then we're off
to Leicester Square
504
00:25:04,40 --> 00:25:05,80
for a pizza.
505
00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:08,480
Tubbs... Listen to yourself!
506
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:10,480
You cannot trust this boy.
507
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,400
His mind has been corrupted
508
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,880
by colours, sounds and shapes.
509
00:25:16,00 --> 00:25:18,160
| want to see Les Mis.
510
00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:19,320
Oh!
511
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,240
Or any of the big shows,
really.
512
00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:27,480
Goodbye, Edward.
513
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:28,600
514
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:30,960
...lOve you.
515
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,40
Tubbs?
516
00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:42,240
517
00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:43,880
...have to tell you something.
518
00:25:45,40 --> 00:25:48,40
| saw David earlier
this afternoon. We, er...
519
00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:50,840
...had a little chat.
520
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:55,520
He's decided he's not going to
build the new road after all.
521
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:59,440
Oh, Edward! | don't care
about your stupid road!
522
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:01,320
We're going on the choo-train.
523
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:02,600
Go!
524
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:08,120
David must be
waiting for you.
525
00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,120
(SHOP BELL RINGS)
526
00:26:20,80 --> 00:26:21,120
David!
527
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:22,520
DAVID: Hello, Mum.
528
00:26:24,00 --> 00:26:25,200
I've changed my mind.
529
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:29,120
| want to live...
530
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:30,360
... locally.
531
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,280
Tubbs.
532
00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,840
POSTBOX: Thank you
for posting a letter...
533
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:01,40
All right! It's me.
534
00:27:04,40 --> 00:27:06,760
- Good day?
- It was all right. Yeah.
535
00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:09,840
See you tomorrow.
536
00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:17,240
BARBARA: Would you look
after this for me, please?
537
00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:19,520
Course | will, Barbara.
538
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:21,760
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, yeah.
539
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:23,240
Just try and relax.
540
00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:25,680
The anaesthetic'll
kick in quite soon.
541
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:28,280
Good. I've heard that
Dr Mikos is one of the best
542
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,200
- in the country.
- He is.
543
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:32,600
Shame he had
that skiing accident.
544
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:34,880
- Eh?
- It's all right, Barbara.
545
00:27:35,00 --> 00:27:38,120
We have a replacement
who's just as capable.
546
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,360
Hello, Barbara.
Don't you worry about a thing.
547
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:48,400
Right.
548
00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:49,840
What am | doing?
549
00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:52,480
(SHEARS SNIP)
550
00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:53,920
(WIND HOWLS)
551
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,40
Excuse me!
552
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:02,840
Excuse me.
553
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:06,560
You don't know if there's
a shop round here, do you?
554
00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:08,800
I'm starving and | really
wanna get away tonight.
555
00:28:10,40 --> 00:28:11,40
Yes.
556
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:13,440
Come with me.
557
00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:18,680
Oh, | like your boots.
558
00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:21,480
My friend's got a pair
just like that.
559
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:26,320
So, um, are you local?
560
00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:27,520
TUBBS: Yes.
561
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:29,960
Yes, | am.
35571
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