All language subtitles for The.League.Of.Gentlemen.S01E05.1080p.BluRay.x264-TABULARiA_track3_[eng]

And if you'd just like to pop
your signature there, pet.

| have to say,
| think you're both mad.

Imagine, endless nights in,
with nothing to say.

Awkward fumblings between the
sheets as your passion fades.

The grinding tedium
of enforced companionship.

And yours just there,
thank you.

(LOUD BELCh)

Pig!

Excuse me, could you give me
a hand, please?

(SQUEAKING)

OK.

Oh, it's just a little bit
further. Thanks very much.

- All right, son?
- All right?

(COIN RATTLES)

(BELLS PEAL)

Oh, no! (LAUGHS)
Hey, watch the hair!

It was ten quid, was this!

BARBARA: They make a lovely
couple, don't they, Geoff?

What?

Oh, yeah.

Why don't you go and try and
catch the bouquet, Barbara?

| might not have to.
Have a read of that.

"Stunning, busty brunette..."
Is this you, Barbara?

Yeah.

"...seeks open-minded male
for cuddles

"and car maintenance."

Mm! Have you had any replies?

No, it only came out today.

Why? Are you interested?

Oh, no, Barbara. I've got
to get off. I'm the best man.

You should let me
be the judge of that, Geoff!

- You ready, Ken?
- Yeah.

- We're all here, behind you.
- Oh!

Bloody hell,
where did you find him, Geoff?

| tell you what, Mike,
he's very cheap.

Say cheese, everybody!

Cheese!

(EXCITED CHATTER)

See you later, Cheryl! I'll see
you at the reception, Mike.

See you later, yeah.

WOMAN: All right, Cheryl,
are you in?

Let them go, then.
That's it, get the dress in.

See ya! See ya later!

(GEOFF LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(SOMBRE CELLO MUSIC)

Yeah, we're having the do
all, er, "olde worlde", y'know.

So if you've got any of that
"hey, nonny, nonny" stuff...

- Yeah, I'll have a think.
- Yeah, well, do.

- You're the band for tonight?
- Yeah.

Should be a good do.

Is that a Strat?

- Yeah, mate.
- Thought so.

| used to play one of them.

Do you do requests?
Do you know Voodoo Lady?

You mean Foxy Lady,
Jimi Hendrix?

No. Voodoo Lady, Creme Brulee.

Eurovision heats finalists,
1981.

No? Not heard of us?

We got quite a bit
of radio play back then.

Peter Levy at Aire FM.

It were his record of the week,
April 16th through 23rd. Yeah.

| bought my Strat
off Mitch Murray.

Y'know, used to write songs
for Paper Lace.

He says to me, "Les,
| want 300 sheets for that,

"but you can have it for 250,"
cos he knew me, like.

Right good sense of humour.

Do you do any telly?

No, mate, just weddings,
birthdays, bar mitzvahs.

Oh, yeah. T'outfit | were with,
Creme Brulee,

did quite a bit of telly.

Did Magpie.

Kate Bush were on...

...t'week before us.

Do you know
what ruined everything?

Punk rock.
What was all that about?

Craftsmanship, ballads -
all went out the window.

Do you write your own stuff?

- It's a covers band.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Y'know, when | was on tour
with Peter Skellern,

he said to me, "Les, if you'd
been around five year back,

"you'd have been away."

Timing was wrong, is all.

There's a lot of luck
in this business.

Yeah, | did the right thing,
getting out when | did.

Do you want to hear
some of me stuff?

Listen, mate,
I've got to get on, so...

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Can | have a word, boss?

Yeah.

What is it, Maynard?

Ray's not turned up.

What, again?

We'll have to do without rhythm
guitar tonight, all right?

Heyyy!

- It's fate, is that.
- What is?

Oh, | play rhythm guitar.

- | don't think so.
- No, go on.

You can't do Sympathy For The
Devil without rhythm guitar.

We can do it on the keyboards
now, all right?

Well, it's not the same, is it?
Go on, give us a go

on your Strat.
I'll teach you Voodoo Lady.

Look, it's not gonna happen,
all right?!

Yeah.

You're right.

Probably wouldn't enjoy it,
would |?

Out on the road, getting drunk.

A young man's game.

Nice to have a chat to someone
who knows their stuff, though.

It's a shit business.

I'm glad I'm out of it.

All the best, son.

Very kind of you.

Hurry up, Henry.
We're gonna be late!

All right,
we've got to get food yet.

What are you trying to do,
bum me?

Soz.

Where do you want to sit?

Go behind this slaphead.
Excuse me.

(BOTH GIGGLE)

How much do | owe you now?

Well,
how much were the tickets?

| don't know.
How much was t'popcorn?

| don't know. | can't see
me bloody change!

Sssh!

Has it started?

This can't be it.
It's all French.

Be quiet, please.

- Ooh, sor-ree!
- Sorry we spoke!

It's only t'bloody adverts.

No, it's started.
This is the film.

- This is the film?
- Yes.

Is this Candyman 2:
Farewell To The Flesh?

No.

- We're in t'wrong bloody film.
- Eh?

We're in t'wrong bloody film!

Oh, bloody hell!
What's this, then?

It's Blue.

- Blue?!
- A bluey?

Bloody hell,
that were a bit o' luck!

- | told you it were French!
- A bluey!

Blue is the title of the film!

Krzysztof Kieslowski's
Trois Couleurs: Bleu.

- Dracula's what?
- ls it an ‘orror?

- How many killings?
- Trois Couleurs: Bleu.

Twa Culla Bleugh!

- What's he say?
- | don't bloody know.

- Come on, it's weary.
- No, no, no, give it a chance.

It might be
really, really good.

How many killings
have we missed so far?

Is everybody having
a good time?

Yay!

Right, well, this'll get you up
on your feet.

It's Dance Yourself Dizzy!

(SONG STARTS)

Oof!

I'm sorry, love.
| didn't see you sat there.

Don't get up.

Oh, it's, erm, Peter, isn't it?

No, no, no, er, Paul. Oh,
I'm going daft in me old age.

- Er, Christopher?
- Simon.

Simon! That's it.

Course, you're our Linda's...

No, no, no, our Valerie's...

- Joan.
- That's right,

our Joan's youngest...

- Eldest.
- ...eldest...daughter.

- Son.
- Son! Yes, son.

Our Joan's eldest son, Simon.

Oh, of course!
You're the cripp...

Er... The, er... You know.

So, how have you been keeping?

Oh, you Know me, Simon.

All right down one side!

No, no. What | mean to say
is, it's, er...

...[-i-i-it's been a long time.

Y'know, the last time | saw
you, you were only so high.

| must, erm... Do you know
where the gents is?

No. No, you wouldn't,
would you? But you might.

| mean, | expect even you lot
have got to, er...

Y'know, unless you've got
one of them little Queen Mum...

No, you wouldn't.

It's down there, on the left.

On the left?
Right, er, on the left.

Oh, there she goes, look,
the blushing bride.

Are you courting, like, Simon?

No. No, you wouldn't,
would you?

But you might.

Not that you shouldn't.

In the modern world,
| expect there's ways for a...

... YOU, tO, er...

| saw this documentary once,

and it said there's no reason,
no reason in the world, why...

And there's bound to be
somebody out there.

Plenty of fish, sea
and all that.

You'll find one that
doesn't mind doing it with a...

..doesn't mind
doing without it, even.

And then, if your babies
turned out to be alll...

Well, they can tell these days.

They've got computers.

Christ, Simon,

you wouldn't have to keep it.

Erm, excuse me,
| think my wife's calling me.

Oh, aye.

Was it something | said?

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello, Babs Cabs.

Ah, yes, | was wondering
if you're available tonight.

Right!

Oh, right, right.
Er, just a sec, just a sec.

Can | ask who's speaking,
please?

Yeah, my name is
Benjamin Denton.

I'm staying
at the Swanmills Estate,

but I'd like you to pick me up
somewhere else.

| understand.

| want to go quite far.

Ben, | understand.
Where can we meet?

Er, outside the butcher's shop,
six o'clock?

Six o'clock.

It's a date.

I'll see you later, then. Bye.

Bugger me, it worked!

(WIND HOWLS)

Nearly there.

This was known
as the Zechstein Sea...

...covering most of what is now
the north of England.

Right, we're all gathered.
Just come this way.

The entrance to this particular
cave is quite low down,

so mind you don't bump
your heads.

Now, not a lot of people know
that Stump Hole Cavern

takes its name
from the crippled prostitute

who used to ply her trade here
in the 17th century.

If you look carefully up there,
you can still see her tariff

etched into the limestone
in soot.

Right, if you just stay close
behind me,

mind the shale on this floor.
Quite slippy.

We are, of course, part of
a much wider network of caves

that riddle the entire county,

including the much larger
Red Scar Cavern,

located some half a mile away
to the west.

A trifle flashy for my taste,
| have to say,

with their gift shop,
granary-style cafeteria

and 100% safety record

plastered all over
their promotional literature,

but there you go.

Now, if we stay in single file,

we'll make our way
into the main cavern.

| do think
it's worth pointing out

that Red Scar were served
with a council notice

ordering them to replace
115 yards of faulty wiring.

Put it this way, | wouldn't
like to get caught down there

in a thunderstorm,

and no amount
of trilobites in Perspex

or stegosaurus-shaped pencil
tops is going to change that.

This particular cavern
may already be familiar to you

from its countless appearances
on the small screen.

In 1974, you couldn't move
down here for Cybermen.

In fact, there was
a rather amusing incident

In which Tom Baker
sprained his ankle

on that rock there.

Just goes to show
how easily accidents happen.

Yes, we've had
all the celebrities down here,

including the late
Don Henderson of Bulman fame,

the Chuckle Brothers -

you may have noticed the
autograph in the ticket booth -

and Michael Buerk...

..and the 999 team.

It's around about this stage
of the tour

| like to raise the subject
of darkness.

You know,
there's nothing quite like

the darkness we get
down here in the caves.

And to illustrate this,

we do like to turn out all the
lights just for a few moments.

|, myself, am not fond
of the darkness.

| sleep with the lights on now.

It's in the darkness
| see the boy's face...

..eyes protruding,
tongue out...

...black.

(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
If you look over here,

you'll see some
of the limestone formations

for which Stump Hole
is more famous...

...used to be more famous.
And over the years,

the lads have given them
a variety of comical names,

depending on what
they're meant to look like.

So here we have Santa Claus,

... his beard and sack.

The Wombles.
You'll see how the sediment

forms the brim
of Orinoco's hat.

The Specimen Jar...

...the Toffee Apple and...

...Errol Flynn.

This one over here,
people say to me,

"Mick, that doesn't look
like anything at all."

But | don't know.

When | look at it,
| seem to see

a little pair of hands
clutching at a slippery,

wet rope, sliding down,
down into the dark water.

Sometimes I'll stand here
for hours...

.. JjUSt looking at it.

That concludes
the main part of the tour.

If you'd follow me...

Michael Buerk did say to me,

"Mick, you can't go on
blaming yourself.

"It wasn't your fault."

But | don't know.

Young kiddie like that,
whole life ahead of him.

"School trip tragedy.
Local man blamed."

Every day, the same -
a parade of blank faces,

the constant drip, drip
from the cavern roof,

the cold indifference
of the ancient rock.

But you keep going, don't you?
Just like the moss

growing round
that little light bulb there...

...life finds a way.

Look at that skein
of iron oxide.

You wouldn't find
anything like that in Red Scar.

Remember the guide
on your way out.

Thank you.

(PACKETS RUSTLE)

(LOUD CRUNCHING)

Oh, come on, Ally,

- it's pig-shite boring, this.
- No,

give it a chance. It might be
really, really good.

You name one foreign film

that's ever been really good,
ever.

La Bamba?

# La-la-la, La Bamba!

- # La, la, La Bamba... #
- Ssh!

Soz!

(LOUD SLURPING)

- What's happening, then?
- Well, you read it, don't you?

No way. You can't come
to t'pictures to read.

You don't watch films
in libraries.

- You can. They've got videos.
- What ones?

Weary ones.

(BOTH SNIGGER)

‘Ey, who's she?

- Who?
- Her. | recognise her.

- Did she go to our school?
- No, she were in a film.

Oh, she were in that Twa Culla
Bleugh. \t was on Barry Norman.

- This is it!
- This is Twa Culla Bleugh?

- Yeah.
- It's meant to be good, this.

- Really good?
- Really, really good.

Apparently,
there's this one bit...

Look, will you be quiet,
please?!

| can't hear a bloody word!

You don't have to. You read it.

It's not a bluey.
It's been on Barry Norman.

You're in t'wrong bloody film.

If you don't like it,
why don't you just leave?

- Wha’?
- | said, if you don't like it,

- why don't you leave?!
- BOTH: Ssh!

| don't believe this.

Neither do lI.
It's a bit far-fetched.

| Know.

(LOUD SLURPING)

Hi.

Barbara, thank God you're here.
I've been desperate to do this

- ever since | arrived.
- On!

It's been really hard
since | last saw you.

Has it really?

We'll have to do something
about that, then, won't we?

...and all that comes
with best wishes

from all the lads
at Rotherham Plastics.

Next, I'm sure we'd all like
to show our appreciation

to our very own master butcher,

Mr Hilary Briss.

| don't know
what he puts in his sausages,

but | don't think
I've tasted finer.

(WHISPERS) Oh, Hilary,
you didn't?

Right, as Mike's best man,

I've got to say a few words
about his achievements.

So | won't be long!

- Hey, watch it, pall!
- No, no,

but his lovely bride, Cheryl,

she's asked me
to keep it quick.

Which is obviously
what she's used to!

That right, Cheryl?

Sauce, eh? Sauce.

All right.

Now, Mike is my best friend
in the world.

Hear, hear.

Yeah, I've known him years.
Since school, in fact,

and on and off ever since.

Remember, Mike, we used
to sit together in maths.

- We were a right double act.
- The Terrible Twosome!

Yeah. They used to try
to split us up.

We always managed to sneak
back together, didn't we?

In the end, to stop us
laughing and joking,

they had to move me

into a lower stream
with all the remedials.

Even in art, | remember

the teacher preferred his
drawing of a trainer to mine.

"Such detail," she said.

| wouldn't have minded - it was
my pencil he drew it with!

(NO-ONE ELSE LAUGHS)

Those were the days, eh, Mike?

Happiest days of our lives.

Anyway, we left St Mark's
at the same time,

started work for the same
company -

same office, for a while.

- Up to our old tricks...
- Tell them about the time...

- ...till Mike was
quickly headhunted.

Yeah. And I've watched him,

from that same little office,
rise and rise through the ranks

to the position
he holds today - my boss.

Who'd have thought
that stuck-up little boy

would one day be ticking me off

for not sending them faxes
that night?

| can't believe it.

You know, you work your fingers
to the bone, and...

Anyway,
I'm getting off the point.

It was about this time, we're
sharing the same little office,

that Mike is screwing
my wife-to-be, Katy.

Yeah, all right, Cheryl, you're
not part of this story yet.

Ooh, it's here that things
finally go in my favour

for a change,
ladies and gentlemen...

...because in '87,
both our mums got really ill,

roughly the same time. Mine,
thank God, she got better.

But yours died,
didn't she, Mike?

Didn't she?!

- (QUIETLY) Yeah.
- Yeah!

Your mum died and mine didn't.

| won that.

At least | won the mums!

Oh, it's a sorry affair, this.
Reminds me of my wedding day.

And if she were here now,
my Katy would agree with me.

But she's not here now.

Because she left me.

Didn't she, Brian?

Well, now I've got this gun!

(UPROAR)

Sometimes it'd just be so easy
just to finish it!

Right, Brian’?!

Come on, now, Geoff.

Fair do's, eh?

Let's sit down now.

| hate you, Mike!

| hate your success and your
suits and your beautiful wife!

Katy...

No.

Is she happy, Brian?

Yeah.

Well,
it's Mike and Cheryl's day!

Charge your glasses, please,
join me in a toast.

To the happy couple.

(AWKWARD MUMBLING)

BENJAMIN: What are you doing?

BARBARA: I've never done this
before.

Done what?

Let's have some music,
shall we?

Oh, shift up.

(BARBARA GRUNTS)

- BENJAMIN: What are you doing?
- (HORN TOOTS)

Ugh! What's that?

Don't worry, love,
that's just the handbrake.

Barbara, no!

You see, when you buy a car,

well, you don't just go for the
first one in the lot, do you?

No, you want to see
under the hood,

fiddle with the points,

check if she slips
easily into reverse.

| don't know
what you're talking about!

I'm not wearing
any knickers, Ben.

- Now give me your hand.
- Please, Barbara!

Oh, come on!

You tell me that's not as good
as the real thing, eh?

Barbara, let go of my head!
What if somebody sees?

No-one'll see. Come on!

No, Barbara!
I've got a girlfriend!

- Eh?
- I'm sorry,

I'm already spoken for.

But | thought when you said
you wanted to go with me,

- you meant...
- | meant to the station!

| want to leave. There's been
a misunderstanding, Barbara,

- I'm sorry.
- (SNIFFLES)

| feel such a fool.

BENJAMIN:
Look, you're a lovely...

If | wasn't seeing
someone else, then...

BARBARA: Don't, Ben.
| think you'd better go now.

You can't just leave me here.

You do know I'm having
the operation, don't you?

BENJAMIN: | mean,
what am | meant to do?!

BARBARA: It was worth a try,
though, wasn't it?

Barbara!

Please!

Shit!

(LOUD WHISPER) Hilary!

Hilary...

Who is it? What's going on?

It's me, Hilary. Maurice.

Maurice? What is it?
It's four in the morning.

Let me in. It's important.

Then quiet!
You'll wake Mrs Briss.

Have you got something for me?

What do you mean?

You know bloody well
what | mean, Hilary Briss!

Oh, you've changed your tune.

Can't you just give me
a little bit more?

I'm a respectable
family butcher.

| Keep regular hours.
Come back tomorrow.

Please... Please, Hilary!

I'm...

...Qhungry.

All right, Maurice.

Just this once,

I'll do you a favour.

Thank you.

(MOANING)

More...

| want more.

Perhaps you can
do me a favour some time.

(GRUNTING)

Excuse me! Could you...?

Oh, of course.

- (BOTH STRAIN)
- Jesus!

Oh, actually, it's just
a bit further. Thanks.