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1
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:06,560
# Go to Joan Glover
and tell her | love her
2
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:10,200
# And at the mid of the moon
| will come to her
3
00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:12,120
# Go to Joan Glover
and tell her | love her
4
00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:15,360
# And at the mid of the moon
| will come to her... #
5
00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:16,520
Come on, guys. In the round!
6
00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:18,200
# Go to Joan Glover...
Go to Joan Glover...
7
00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:20,240
# Go to Joan Glover
and tell her | love her... #
8
00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:23,400
- We're lost, aren't we, Phil?
- I'm not sure, actually.
9
00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:26,80
You're the one with the map.
This isn't a road.
10
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,160
It's hard to tell.
We're underneath this staple.
11
00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:30,400
Hey, guys, what... What's this?
12
00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:31,800
(SIREN WAILS)
13
00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:34,80
PHIL: This is where
the road's meant to be.
14
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:41,600
(YELLING)
15
00:00:41,720 --> 00:00:43,640
Shall we see if we can help,
Ollie?
16
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,200
(FAINT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
17
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:48,360
Best not, Dave. We don't want
to be late for the kids.
18
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:51,280
Always be professional.
19
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,360
The kids'll respect you
for that.
20
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:56,480
# Go to Joan Glover
and tell her | love her
21
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,200
# And at the mid of the moon
| will come to her... #
22
00:00:58,320 --> 00:00:59,520
DAVE: Oh, shut up!
23
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,320
Did the plan work, Edward?
24
00:01:05,40 --> 00:01:06,400
Yes, Tubbs.
25
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,480
The plan worked beautifully.
26
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:18,320
POSTBOx: Thank you for posting
a letter inside me.
27
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,360
Come on, girl.
Do your business.
28
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,760
I'm coming!
29
00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,880
- Hi, Grace.
- Morning, Grace.
30
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,480
Mr Chinnery.
31
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,00
I'll be two minutes. Come in.
32
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:01,680
Your entire Zoo?
33
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:04,640
Roughly how many animals
did you lose?
34
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:06,00
Er, three.
35
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:09,80
Pickles the chimp
was from my brother-in-law.
36
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:12,200
The goat was from a Gypsy
in Tadcaster.
37
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:13,760
And the pig was a favour
38
00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:15,800
from a farmer friend
in Scholes.
39
00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:18,800
| mean, I've got nothing now.
40
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:20,600
I've got... The pig was there,
41
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,00
the chimp was there.
| mean, it's just all gone!
42
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:24,800
Everything's gone.
43
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:26,280
DAVE: Read the map and drive?!
44
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:29,320
OLLIE: | haven't got the map.
It's not my responsibility!
45
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,480
DAVE: Yeah, well, now where?
46
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:31,600
OLLIE: Now turn left.
47
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,480
- DAVE: Please, left or right?
- OLLIE: It has to be left.
48
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:36,80
- DAVE: For crying out loud!
- OLLIE: Straight ahead.
49
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:37,840
DAVE: Straight ahead? Right!
50
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,480
(SHOUTING) There's a man
sitting next to you.
51
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,120
Not another man. Me. | am.
52
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,200
| just thought
you ought to know.
53
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,80
- Thank you.
- Oh, it's all right.
54
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,360
- It's a lovely day.
- Yes.
55
00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:06,80
No, I'm telling you
56
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:07,880
it is a lovely day.
57
00:03:08,00 --> 00:03:10,240
Hardly any clouds in the sky.
58
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,880
You are in a park, on a bench,
59
00:03:13,00 --> 00:03:15,640
talking to a man - me.
60
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:17,240
- Am | shouting?
- Sorry?
61
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:20,80
- Am | shouting?!
- A little, yes.
62
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:24,800
| thought so. | expect your
ears are more finely tuned
63
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,600
than an average, normal,
healthy person's, aren't they?
64
00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,80
They are important, yes.
65
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:31,920
Keep your specs on,
for one thing!
66
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,680
They forecast rain again
later this afternoon.
67
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,520
| beg your pardon?
68
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,80
They say it'll rain again
this afternoon.
69
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:42,600
How would you know?
70
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:46,160
Did they write it down for you
in that bumpy writing?
71
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:47,560
No, it was on the television.
72
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:49,80
Oh.
73
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,320
Oh, good. No, good for you!
74
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,320
Do you watch a lot of...?
75
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,960
No, it's all repeats anyway.
76
00:03:55,80 --> 00:03:57,520
It's nothing
you haven't seen before.
77
00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,80
You should get yourself
a video.
78
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,360
I've got one, actually.
79
00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:04,240
Then you can tape stuff
just to listen to it
80
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:06,520
or else keep it
in case one day...
81
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,120
Well, who knows?
82
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:10,520
They can put pig's livers
inside you nowadays.
83
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:11,680
Imagine that!
84
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:14,200
Yes, a pig's liver
instead of a human's!
85
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,280
So, you know,
they might find some way of...
86
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,240
Well, | saw this
Tales Of The Unexpected once
87
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,720
and it was just this eye
on a stalk.
88
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:26,880
Yeah, this brain, and an eye
on a stalk in a big glass tank
89
00:04:27,00 --> 00:04:29,560
and... Well, if you're lucky,
one day that could be you!
90
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,160
If I'm lucky?
91
00:04:35,80 --> 00:04:37,40
Well, listen to me, eh?
92
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,160
|... | must be going.
93
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:42,240
It's nice to meet you, anyway.
94
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:44,920
I'm behind you now.
95
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,400
Yeah, I'm going. Ta-ta!
96
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,560
How do you shave’?!
97
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,560
| bet you cut yourself a lot,
don't you?
98
00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:00,960
Is that why you see
so many bearded sightless?
99
00:05:01,80 --> 00:05:02,960
They always look a mess,
though, don't they?
100
00:05:03,80 --> 00:05:05,520
Dandruff,
and crumbs in their beard.
101
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,680
Mum used to point to them
on the bus and say,
102
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,80
"That's what'll happen to you
103
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,680
"if you keep fiddling
with yourself."
104
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,240
Didn't stop me, though, did it?
105
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,160
| expect you get lonely,
don't you,
106
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:17,480
rattling round all day
107
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:20,40
inside your house -
your hostel -
108
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:21,800
locked in your own thoughts?
109
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,360
You'd do better
going for a little walk.
110
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,160
As | say, it's all repeats,
and, well, who knows,
111
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:29,200
you might even meet another...
112
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,80
| mean, look at me!
113
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:37,520
Huh. Was it something | said?
114
00:05:42,40 --> 00:05:45,360
So, did you have a nice
holiday, Mrs Levinson?
115
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,600
Oh, Barbara,
it was utter paradise.
116
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:50,680
Eddie said it's like being in
your very own Bounty advert.
117
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:54,200
| really should get
my bikini line waxed.
118
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:58,00
So, anything been going on
around here?
119
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:01,560
Oh, have you not heard about
the Beast of Royston Vasey?
120
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,200
Oh, now, Barbara,
people can be very cruel.
121
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:05,560
Not me!
122
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,320
They dug something up
working on the new road.
123
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:10,680
Oh, Barbara, stop it.
You're giving me the willies.
124
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,80
Well, you're welcome to mine.
125
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:13,880
It's coming off in a fortnight,
anyway!
126
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:19,480
(SIREN WAILS)
127
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,760
(FAINT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
128
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:24,840
Right, what have we got here,
then?
129
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:31,200
| have to warn you,
Mr Chinnery...
130
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:32,760
Don't worry, Inspector.
131
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,200
I'm used to seeing nature
red in tooth and claw.
132
00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:39,960
(RETCHES)
133
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,120
You cowards!
134
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:52,520
You whoremongers, idolaters,
liars!
135
00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:56,480
Your place is in the lake
of fire and sulphur,
136
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,520
where you will die
the second death,
137
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:03,160
the death that burns and tears
for all eternity!
138
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,480
So...
139
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:10,720
..think on.
140
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:13,520
(SOBBING)
141
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:15,440
Shut up!
142
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:19,200
- (VAN PULLS UP)
- Oh, they've arrived.
143
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,680
Did you know
that this afternoon,
144
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:24,680
some of you lot are going
to be watching a play
145
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,160
instead of doing
proper lessons?
146
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:31,120
It's going to be performed
by Legz Akimbo Theatre Company
147
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:34,240
and it's a show
about homosexuality
148
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:37,760
aimed at 9- to 12-year-olds.
149
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:41,80
Some people call this
"theatre in education".
150
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,720
| call it Aids in a van.
151
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,280
Now...adultery...
152
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:51,00
My finest specimens.
153
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:52,480
Sonny and Cher.
154
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,320
Soon | shall be entering them
for the annual Croaker Parade.
155
00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:01,600
They've been nurtured carefully
for the past nine months.
156
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,400
And fed exclusively on lollo
rosso and smoked mackerel.
157
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:08,120
Now...| feel
the Toad Breeder Shield
158
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:09,920
is finally within my grasp.
159
00:08:10,40 --> 00:08:11,400
Uncle Harvey,
you're not listening.
160
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:13,720
I'm getting the next train
back to London.
161
00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:15,560
Impossible!
162
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,560
You're looking
after the girls tonight.
163
00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:19,280
In this house,
guests are expected
164
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,800
to baby-sit at least once
during their stay.
165
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:23,560
You never mentioned
anything about that!
166
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,120
Well, perhaps if you'd spent
a little less time
167
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:28,560
cavorting with Madame Palm
168
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:31,440
and her...
five lovely daughters...
169
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:34,960
... you'd be
a little more alert.
170
00:08:35,80 --> 00:08:37,560
Well, I'm going.
I've got the ticket.
171
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,400
Splendid. That's settled, then.
172
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,960
Chloe and Radclyffe
will be so thrilled.
173
00:08:45,80 --> 00:08:47,80
Er, Benjamin!
174
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:48,720
One other thing.
175
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,960
While you're walking around
the house this morning,
176
00:08:51,80 --> 00:08:52,960
would you be good enough
to wear these?
177
00:08:53,80 --> 00:08:55,240
We use them on Wednesdays.
178
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:59,120
They help to restore the weft
of the carpet.
179
00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:16,480
OK, everyone.
Er, thanks very much.
180
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:18,280
Um, good morning.
181
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,600
We are Legz Akimbo
Theatre Company.
182
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:21,880
Some of you may remember us
183
00:09:22,00 --> 00:09:23,440
from a couple
of Christmases ago.
184
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:26,240
We did White Chocolate,
a play about racism.
185
00:09:28,40 --> 00:09:30,40
And we're back in your school
today
186
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:32,00
to present our new piece
on sexuality
187
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:33,960
called Everybody Out!
188
00:09:34,80 --> 00:09:35,760
My name's Ollie Plimsolls,
by the way,
189
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,760
and I'll get all your names
in a minute,
190
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:41,120
because there are
far too many of you! (LAUGHS)
191
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,320
- This is...
- Phil.
192
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:44,680
- And...
- Dave.
193
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,720
And as Ollie explained,
today we'll do some forum work
194
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,80
on sexuality.
195
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,760
That's right. But can |
just say before we start,
196
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:53,200
we will actually be losing Phil
at the end of the month.
197
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:54,680
- What?
- Yeah. It's very sad
198
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,240
to see him go, but he's been
plucked for stardom.
199
00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:58,360
He's now a proper actor,
200
00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,400
so we're releasing him
from his contract
201
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,680
and he's going off
to do telly and radio
202
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,400
and all sorts
of exciting things.
203
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,600
When did this happen?
204
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,720
- Last week.
- So, remember that face,
205
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,600
cos next time you see him,
on your telly,
206
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,240
you'll be able to say,
"Here, Mum, | Know him.
207
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,280
"He came to our school.
He was in that really good play
208
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,720
“about issues with that
Legz A-whatsit Theatre Company.
209
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,360
"| liked him in that.
The writing was really good.
210
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,360
"But he's out of his depth
in this.
211
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,00
"He's rubbish in this.
212
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:24,520
"Turn it off, Mum!
| don't want to watch it!"
213
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:26,800
Thanks, Ollie.
214
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:29,400
Shift over.
215
00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:30,800
Who was the casting director?
216
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:32,800
Paul... Paul Alexander.
217
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,400
That old queen? How did you...?
218
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:36,600
Oh, right.
219
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:40,320
Room for a little fat one?
220
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,160
That's it.
221
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,520
OK, who's got a secret?
222
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,280
Who's got
a really great secret
223
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:47,960
that only they know about?
224
00:10:48,80 --> 00:10:50,00
- | have.
- Dave...
225
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,800
Who's got a secret
that they don't think
226
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,240
they could tell anyone else
ever?
227
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,720
What kind of secret would
that be, | wonder? Any ideas?
228
00:10:59,40 --> 00:11:02,160
No? Well, what about if you
stole something, did a crime?
229
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:03,320
That would be a secret,
wouldn't it?
230
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,280
Or you smoke.
You're a secret smoker.
231
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:06,800
You take yourself off
for a quick fag
232
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,720
behind the bike sheds.
Yeah, great.
233
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,280
But what about if you're gay?
234
00:11:14,00 --> 00:11:15,680
There's a few giggles.
235
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,280
Hands up...
236
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,120
...who's gay.
237
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,280
I'm not!
238
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,600
But it's a hard one, isn't it?
A hard one to admit to.
239
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,760
But | bet you there are
some gays in this room.
240
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:30,360
There's at least one
that | know of!
241
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,640
Sexuality is a very broad
church, you know.
242
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:36,160
It's like anything else
that's...
243
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:37,600
...that's like that.
244
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,760
Tolerance is very important.
245
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,320
Yeah. And this is what
a lot of people often forget.
246
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,120
Gays are just ordinary,
normal, healthy guys.
247
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,80
Dykes, on the other hand,
are evil.
248
00:11:50,80 --> 00:11:51,160
Ollie!
249
00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:52,800
Picture a scene.
It's last Thursday afternoon.
250
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,160
You arrive home early
to find your wife, Linda,
251
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:56,680
in bed with another man.
252
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:57,760
Ollie, let's do some forum...
253
00:11:57,880 --> 00:11:59,680
But you look again and see
it's not actually a man.
254
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,280
It's a big fat lezzer
wearing my slippers,
255
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:03,920
smoking my pipe!
256
00:12:04,40 --> 00:12:06,40
Don't touch me, you poof!
257
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,640
D'you wanna take a break?
258
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,120
I'm fine!
259
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:15,480
Where was I?
260
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,80
Tolerance! Understanding.
261
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:18,920
You have to talk
to work things out.
262
00:12:19,40 --> 00:12:20,400
| spoke with my wife Linda.
263
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,320
Apparently,
I'm not man enough for her,
264
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:25,120
so now she's living
with a female Geoff Capes.
265
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,600
Which is fine! It's a process.
266
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:28,920
And understanding people
is all part of the hidden
267
00:12:29,40 --> 00:12:30,880
- horrors of relationships!
- Look, Ollie...
268
00:12:31,00 --> 00:12:33,00
I'm not going back there,
big bitches!
269
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:35,400
Ollie!
270
00:12:42,40 --> 00:12:44,80
Right, any questions?
271
00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:56,280
The subject
appears to be animal.
272
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:00,200
Porcine features.
273
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:03,840
But ostensibly...
274
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,360
(CAMERA CLICKS)
275
00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,80
...simian.
276
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,800
May | have a glass of water,
please?
277
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:13,200
RADIO: Sir?
278
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:14,600
Not now.
279
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,160
Yet also elements of a...
280
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:18,360
(CAMERA CLICKS)
281
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,920
...fuminant or ovine anatomy.
282
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:23,320
(CAMERA CLICKS)
283
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,80
Anthropoidal nature
of the subject
284
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,760
suggests some gross distortion
of a Known genus.
285
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:29,960
RADIO: Sir?
286
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:32,440
| can only conclude
287
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,120
that we are being confronted
by a new species,
288
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,440
some form
of monstrous basilisk
289
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:41,320
the like of which
the world has never seen.
290
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:42,520
RADIO: Sir.
291
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,160
Sorry to bother you.
292
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,40
I've got this zoo fella here.
Lost his animals.
293
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,520
You haven't seen a goat,
294
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,160
a pig and a chimp anywhere,
have you?
295
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:03,720
Come on.
296
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,680
Back to work, everyone.
297
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,360
Oh, yeah.
298
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,400
Did the plan fail, Edward?
299
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:48,640
Oh, Mr Scarecrow,
you do look messy.
300
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:50,840
Your head's all out of shape.
301
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:55,00
One day I'm going to ask Mummy
302
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,360
to make you a brand-new coat
and trousers.
303
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,600
Then you won't look
so scruffy and horrid.
304
00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:03,840
Hey! Hey, you Denton girls!
What's your business?
305
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,520
You're always mithering
my scarecrow.
306
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:09,680
That's because he's
a special friend, Mr Tinsel.
307
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,240
He must get ever so lonely
and hungry.
308
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:15,560
Oh, no, you mustn't worry
about him.
309
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:18,840
He's only a thing
of cloth and straw.
310
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,200
Now, shouldn't you be getting
back to your school trip?
311
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,320
They shouldn't let you
wander off, you know.
312
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,680
(GIRLS LAUGH)
313
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,480
Oh, dear.
314
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:35,240
Them young lasses have made
an awful mess of your head.
315
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,960
(GROANS)
316
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:42,720
Did you know it's your third
anniversary coming up
317
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:44,40
this Sunday?
318
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:47,320
That's right. Three weeks
in the ten-acre field!
319
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:50,440
What have you got to say
about that, Andrew?
320
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,440
(GASPS)
321
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:58,880
Please.
322
00:15:59,00 --> 00:16:01,200
Please, Mr Tinsel, let me go!
323
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,160
What? When you're doing
such a fine job
324
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:07,240
keeping those greedy crows
off my turnips?
325
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,320
| don't think so, Andrew.
326
00:16:11,00 --> 00:16:12,600
Maybe next month, eh?
327
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:14,840
At...least...
328
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,920
...leave the bag off...
329
00:16:17,40 --> 00:16:18,00
...for a while.
330
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:20,760
Ooh, I'm not sure about that.
331
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,640
Please!
332
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:24,120
All right.
333
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:27,800
| dare say a bit of fresh air
will do you good.
334
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:31,280
I'll... I'll take a walk
down to the reservoir,
335
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:34,400
but don't try
any of that screaming.
336
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,240
I've got me gun.
337
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,240
Oh, God!
338
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:44,720
Oh, God!
339
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,760
Oh, my God! My God!
340
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:52,840
Girls! Girls! Come here!
341
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,720
Girls, come here!
342
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,80
Come here, come here,
come here! Come here, quick!
343
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,120
Look, there isn't much time.
344
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,160
| need you to get some help.
345
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,600
What kind of help, Mr Wood?
346
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:07,40
Wh...?
347
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:08,560
You know who | am?
348
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,00
Of course we do.
349
00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:12,520
You're Mr Wood
from the cash-and-carry.
350
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,480
Farmer Tinsel has kept you
imprisoned here for ages
351
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,640
because you slept
with his wife.
352
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:21,560
She thinks you deserted her
and went away,
353
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:24,400
but you've been here
in the field all this time.
354
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,680
Hey?
355
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,600
Now, let's get this back
on your head!
356
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:32,160
No! Help me!
357
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,800
Girls, please, help me!
358
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:36,600
Oh, aren't you noisy?
359
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,80
(MUFFLED CRIES AND SOBBING)
360
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:42,120
You see, Mr Scarecrow,
you're our special friend,
361
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:44,640
and you wouldn't be
if you went away,
362
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:51,920
(FAINT YELLING)
363
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,880
- Hey, hello, Luigi!
- (ITALIAN ACCENT) Hey!
364
00:18:03,00 --> 00:18:05,480
- We're back again.
- Can't keep away, huh?
365
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,200
Yeah, she's burned
me bloody dinner again.
366
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,440
Oh, take no notice, Luigi.
367
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:10,80
We've had t'fire brigade out
and everything.
368
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,280
He's lying, Luigi.
369
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:13,40
- Table for two?
- Yes, please, Luigi.
370
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,760
Yeah, I've got my toy boy
coming.
371
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,520
Hey, I'll give her
a bloody toy boy, eh?
372
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,640
- Ooh, | wish you would.
- Save me a bloody fortune!
373
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,760
- Can | get you some drinks?
- Oh, yeah, | want sangria.
374
00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:23,00
No, no, no. Just...
375
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,440
Just pick her out
a nice bottle of red, Luigi.
376
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:27,680
- Si.
- Oh, and, Luigi, put that...
377
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,280
...the Gipsy Kings on.
378
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:30,840
Oh, yeah, | like them, Luigi!
379
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,440
She's bloody off, look!
380
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,160
- | go see if | have it.
- (CHUCKLES)
381
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,80
- It's quiet.
- Mm.
382
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,320
Here he comes!
383
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:53,720
Yay! I'm back on my holidays,
Luigi!
384
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,800
Oh, she'll be
on t'bloody tables next!
385
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,280
Hey, | was, you know,
in Tenerif-ee.
386
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:58,360
It's Tene-reef.
387
00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:00,640
- For you, madam.
- Oh, d'you hear that, Charlie?
388
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:01,920
He called me madam!
389
00:19:02,40 --> 00:19:03,400
Aye, well. Thanks, Luigi.
390
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,200
- Yeah, he wants a bib.
- Luigi...
391
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:06,920
- Big baby!
- Shut up!
392
00:19:07,40 --> 00:19:10,200
Luigi, calamaris -
is that salad, lemon wedge?
393
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:11,240
Si, signore.
394
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:13,00
Ooh, that sounds nice.
What is it, Luigi?
395
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,560
It's squid, Stella.
You won't like it.
396
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,880
I'm asking Luigi.
Anyway, | might.
397
00:19:17,00 --> 00:19:19,720
She won't, Luigi. | took her
on holiday - two-star hotel,
398
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:21,800
- full board.
- Don't listen to him, Luigi.
399
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:24,40
She spent half the time
in the en suite bathroom...
400
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,00
| didn't, Luigi.
401
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,960
...flamin' knickers
round her ankles!
402
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,840
I'll bring the wine, huh?
403
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:43,720
- Stella...
- Drop dead.
404
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:06,880
BOTH: Luigi!
405
00:20:07,00 --> 00:20:09,200
- Where you been, Luigi?!
- You stay single, lad!
406
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:11,640
- Have you come to cheer us up?
- It is not worth it!
407
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:14,00
- Have you...?
- You tell me, Luigi...
408
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:17,200
You tell me how it's possible
to put 20,000 pesetas
409
00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:18,880
- ina slot machine...
- Save your breath, Luigi!
410
00:20:19,00 --> 00:20:20,440
And while you're on it,
why don't you ask her
411
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:21,640
why she had
to leave her job, eh?
412
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,80
STELLA: | loved
that little job, Luigi.
413
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,640
And where that 250 went
from my bottom drawer!
414
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:27,560
| only do it out of boredom!
| get so bored!
415
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,00
CHARLIE: | should never
have married her, Luigi.
416
00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:30,560
| have to get out the house!
417
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:31,880
| just don't love her any more!
418
00:20:32,00 --> 00:20:33,400
I've fallen out of love
with her!
419
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:34,520
I'm still a woman, Luigi!
420
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:36,00
Make something happen, Luigi!
421
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:37,920
- Please, Luigi!
- Luigi, please!
422
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,440
(LOCAL ACCENT)
Me name's not Luigi.
423
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:46,880
It's Carl.
424
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:50,440
I'm sorry.
425
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:03,680
| thought he said
his name was Luigi.
426
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,720
Aye, well...
427
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,600
(WHISPERS) Are you OK, Ollie?
428
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:10,760
I'm fine.
429
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,520
Don't forget the music
in the disco scene.
430
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,200
I'm fine!
431
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,160
When Mum said | was artistic,
432
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:19,360
| thought she meant
| was good at drawing.
433
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,720
But then | always had been
a sensitive kid.
434
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,680
Even at school, | knew | was
different from the other boys.
435
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:26,480
They was interested
in football.
436
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:27,880
Yay!
437
00:21:28,00 --> 00:21:29,200
And girls.
438
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:30,400
Phwoar!
439
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:32,40
But | liked books and dolls.
440
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:35,120
Poof!
441
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,400
Queen!
442
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:37,720
Mary!
443
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:39,240
Homo!
444
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:40,400
Nancy!
445
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:41,600
Linda!
446
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,00
| used to walk the streets
for hours,
447
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:48,920
thinking about
what me pals had said.
448
00:21:49,40 --> 00:21:51,720
What was wrong with me?
Why was | different?
449
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:55,240
That's when | saw it.
The nightclub Gloria's.
450
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:58,600
| pushed open the door,
went inside
451
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,600
and danced the night away.
452
00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:04,720
Danced the night away!
453
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:06,80
OLLIE: All right, all right!
454
00:22:09,40 --> 00:22:11,240
(DISCO MUSIC)
455
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,320
Hey, | haven't seen you before.
456
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:27,520
I'm not gay.
457
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,720
That's cool.
I'm not judging you.
458
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:32,840
We get all kinds in here -
gays, straights...
459
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,00
...lesbians!
460
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:36,640
DAVE: Ollie!
461
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:40,840
Gloria's is a fun place as long
as you're careful and over 18.
462
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,00
See ya!
463
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,200
| left Gloria's that night
with my head spinning.
464
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:48,520
| couldn't wait
to tell all me pals.
465
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:51,00
Then | realised...
How could | tell them?
466
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:54,240
| felt like | was on trial
at the bloomin' Old Baileys.
467
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:55,960
DAVE: (POSH VOICE)
Will the court now rise
468
00:22:56,80 --> 00:22:58,800
for His Honour, Judge Society?
469
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:05,360
Johnny, you stand accused
of being gay.
470
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:06,880
How do you plead?
471
00:23:07,00 --> 00:23:10,40
Not guilty. No. Guilty!
Oh, why are you judging me?
472
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:12,240
What about Aids?!
473
00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:13,480
(YELLS)
474
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:16,480
Aids! Aids!
475
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,920
Stop, stop. It did seem
like a nightmare at first,
476
00:23:20,40 --> 00:23:21,520
but that was a few weeks ago.
477
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,800
- DAVE: You're hurting me.
- Put me down.
478
00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,320
Then, just like in one of those
old-fashioned fairy tales,
479
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,240
we all lived happily
ever after.
480
00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:31,640
And me? I'm happy
with who | am and what | am.
481
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,00
And if people don't like that,
482
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,40
they can go and kill
themselves, like Mum did.
483
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,360
Come on, kids, get clapping.
484
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:42,680
The moral of this story...
485
00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:44,440
The moral of the story is
that being normal in this life
486
00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,00
won't get you anywhere!
487
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:48,80
Look at Phil. He's just got
a great part on telly,
488
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,200
not because he's talented -
he's not -
489
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:51,680
but because
he bums the director!
490
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:54,400
Yes, Phil, I'm not stupid!
491
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:56,520
Other people, like me and Dave,
we plod on, working...
492
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:57,560
Don't, Ollie!
493
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:00,40
What?! I'm telling them how
dedicated we are, while that...
494
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:01,560
I'm leaving Legz Akimbo.
495
00:24:03,80 --> 00:24:04,280
What?!
496
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:05,920
I've had enough.
497
00:24:06,40 --> 00:24:08,80
If Phil's going, I'm going.
498
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:11,960
Why are you doing this, Dave?
499
00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:16,00
| just can't stand you, Ollie.
500
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:19,00
I'm sorry.
501
00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:25,120
Great.
502
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,440
Excuse me a moment.
| think I'm going to be sick.
503
00:24:53,40 --> 00:24:57,40
(IN UNISON) Benjamin, we can't
sleep. Can we play a game?
504
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:00,40
Really, girls,
you should be in bed.
505
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:02,480
It's too late to play.
506
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,120
Please play with us.
507
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:06,00
But | promised your mummy
and daddy I'd make sure
508
00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:09,120
- you didn't get up.
- Please! Please!
509
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:10,360
No!
510
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,840
Now...go to bed.
511
00:25:21,00 --> 00:25:23,280
(FOOTSTEPS RUN UPSTAIRS)
512
00:25:27,80 --> 00:25:29,40
(DOOR CREAKS SHUT UPSTAIRS)
513
00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:33,360
Argh!
514
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:36,00
If you don't play with us,
we'll tell Daddy of you.
515
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:37,400
What do you mean?
516
00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:38,800
We'll say we came down here
517
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:40,920
and caught you doing
something naughty.
518
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,40
- Like what?
- Shaking hands
519
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,120
with the governor of love.
520
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:48,520
Don't be silly!
521
00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:50,840
He won't believe that.
522
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,920
He will. We know how to say it
to make it sound real.
523
00:25:54,40 --> 00:25:56,680
You wouldn't want
to make him angry.
524
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:58,240
| once saw him beat a man
525
00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:01,00
until both him and the man
were crying.
526
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,760
Look, I'm not going
to let you blackmail me.
527
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:06,520
Now I've told you, go to bed!
528
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:08,720
(BOTH SCREAM)
529
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:09,920
All right, all right!
530
00:26:10,40 --> 00:26:13,680
We'll play a game,
but just for a bit.
531
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:15,360
Radclyffe,
fetch the blindfold.
532
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,840
We're going to play
Wind in the Willows.
533
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,280
(TOADS CROAK)
534
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,600
TUBBS: One, two, three, five,
535
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:30,640
twelvety-six, ten...
536
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,600
Oh, there are too many,
Edward!
537
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:37,680
There's been a local shop
on this site for generations.
538
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:40,360
Now this new road...
539
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:41,920
Oh, what are we going to do?
540
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:44,840
We could kill them all.
541
00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:48,840
(CHUCKLES)
Tubbs, you're good-hearted!
542
00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:51,640
There are too many.
543
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:54,440
Look, Edward, a shooting star!
544
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:55,960
Shall we make a wish?
545
00:26:57,00 --> 00:26:58,200
EDWARD: Yes, Tubbs.
546
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:00,80
| wish...
547
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:03,360
| wish for an end
to this plague of strangers,
548
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:05,440
for our future
to remain local...
549
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:10,00
...and for new road
to be totally destroyed.
550
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:13,440
Can | have a new dress, please?
551
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:19,40
(GIRLS SHOUT)
552
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,120
BENJAMIN: All right, now,
calm down. | don't want...
553
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:23,320
Stop shouting!
554
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:25,360
All right. Yes, all right.
555
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:26,880
Calm down!
556
00:27:27,00 --> 00:27:28,120
Will you stop shouting?!
557
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:29,920
| don't know
what you're talking about!
558
00:27:30,40 --> 00:27:32,280
Look, | don't think
you should be...
559
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:33,640
I'll tell your mummy and daddy
on you!
560
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:35,240
Now, stop it, stop it!
561
00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:36,400
No! And I'll...
562
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:37,680
(HISS)
563
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:42,280
What's going on?!
Now, calm down!
564
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:45,280
Oh, what's happening?
565
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:51,400
Oh, hello!
566
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:53,960
We were just...
567
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,80
...playing Piggy in the Middle.
568
00:27:58,200 --> 00:27:59,320
(HISSING)
569
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:01,160
Sonny!
570
00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:08,120
My Sonny!
571
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:10,880
- Where's Cher?
- BENJAMIN: | didn't...
572
00:28:11,00 --> 00:28:12,360
(SQUELCH)
573
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:22,640
(WAILS)
574
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:24,720
Oh, God!
575
00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:32,440
I'm
Ss
O
rry!
38200
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