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1
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,320
(SHOP BELL RINGS)
2
00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:17,480
Hello?
3
00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:27,360
Oh!
4
00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:29,240
Good morning.
5
00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:31,80
Yes?
6
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:32,920
Um, sorry to disturb you.
7
00:00:33,40 --> 00:00:35,520
| wondered if | could just
pick your brains.
8
00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:37,440
No, you can't!
9
00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,760
| have a husband, you know.
10
00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:42,840
It's just that I'm a bit lost.
I'm looking for
11
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,160
Royston Vasey,
but | can't seem to find it.
12
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:47,320
Lines and lines
13
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:49,400
and lines and lines and lines!
14
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:50,800
Yeah.
15
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,680
What do they mean?
16
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,200
Well, they're the roads.
17
00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:56,920
They connect you
with other places.
18
00:00:57,40 --> 00:00:58,440
Local places?
19
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,480
Well...no.
20
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:04,80
(SCREAMS)
21
00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:08,160
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
22
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:15,960
EDWARD: Hello, hello?
Tubbs? What's going on?
23
00:01:16,80 --> 00:01:18,560
What's all this shouting?
We'll have no trouble here.
24
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:23,560
Erm... Tubbs have nightmare.
About new road.
25
00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:26,640
(CHUCKLES) How many more times,
Tubbs?
26
00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,480
This is a local shop. Hmm’?
27
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:30,960
For local people.
28
00:01:31,80 --> 00:01:33,920
The strangers cannot force
a road upon us.
29
00:01:34,40 --> 00:01:36,280
They simply would not dare.
Now,
30
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,200
put it from your mind.
31
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:42,320
(RUMBLING)
32
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(BOTH GASP)
33
00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:51,200
(HEAVY VEHICLES RUMBLE PAST)
34
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:03,400
He's hardly touched his lettuce
in weeks, Mr Chinnery.
35
00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:06,840
Hello.
36
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,440
Hmm,
he does look a little peaky.
37
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:15,680
Ah... Yes...
38
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:18,880
It's a particular form
of pernicious anaemia
39
00:03:19,00 --> 00:03:20,960
which affects
the chelonian family.
40
00:03:21,80 --> 00:03:22,960
If we had more time,
I'd suggest moving him onto
41
00:03:23,80 --> 00:03:24,400
an iron-rich diet, but, er,
42
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:25,840
it's quite serious, I'm afraid.
43
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:27,520
Oh, dear.
44
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:28,920
The best thing we can do
45
00:03:29,40 --> 00:03:31,200
is to oxygenate his blood
immediately.
46
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,360
- What's that?
- It's compressed air.
47
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,40
Basically, a short,
concentrated blast
48
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:39,120
should perk him up a bit.
49
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:41,800
I'll just put this funnel
over his little head.
50
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,280
And | wonder if you'd be
so good as to just
51
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,880
twist that little knob there.
52
00:03:46,00 --> 00:03:49,80
- (GAS WHISTLES)
- That's it.
53
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:50,880
A little bit more, Mrs Rains.
54
00:03:51,00 --> 00:03:52,680
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
55
00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:55,80
And a little bit more.
56
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,240
We can afford to be quite bold.
57
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,160
(GLASS TINKLES)
58
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:08,120
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
59
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,200
Was he very old?
60
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:14,960
(SOBS)
61
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,520
They offered me a C cup
ora D cup,
62
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,280
but | don't think,
with my shoulders,
63
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,480
a C would look owt on me,
you know.
64
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,680
Besides, | want something
in silk - French silk.
65
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:32,40
Something expensive.
66
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:35,120
| find that nylon
chafes me nipples, y'know?
67
00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,520
Morning, Uncle Harvey.
68
00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:45,960
- Morning.
- Morning, Auntie Val.
69
00:04:46,80 --> 00:04:48,360
Morning, Benjamin.
Please join us at table.
70
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:54,200
We haven't actually broken
our fast yet.
71
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:55,680
We've been waiting for you.
72
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:57,680
Oh.
73
00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:01,440
Yes, we've been waiting
since 6.15, actually.
74
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:05,920
In this house, we usually rise
at a reasonable hour.
75
00:05:06,40 --> 00:05:07,680
It's just that when you said
| could get up when | liked,
76
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:08,880
| thought it would be
all right.
77
00:05:09,00 --> 00:05:12,00
It's not a problem, Benjamin.
Don't make an issue of it.
78
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,600
| still haven't met Martin.
I'm a bit stuck now.
79
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:21,520
Maybe people get up this late
in your house, | don't know.
80
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,400
We like to think of the morning
as the better part of the day.
81
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:27,680
Perhaps you're
a naturally slothful person,
82
00:05:27,800 --> 00:05:29,200
sluggish and indolent,
83
00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:32,480
a dawdling flaneur,
content to waste his life
84
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:34,200
spreadeagled on pillows,
85
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:38,160
forever indulging himself
in the pleasures of the palm.
86
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:43,320
| just don't know.
87
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:45,840
It's only quarter past nine.
88
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,960
And already a third
of the morning has gone,
89
00:05:48,80 --> 00:05:50,40
- dissolved into the ether.
- Yes, but that...
90
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,120
Never mind!
91
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:55,00
Never mind.
92
00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,400
Well, | don't know about you,
Benjamin,
93
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,00
but we like to start
our morning with a glass
94
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:01,920
of fresh aqua vita.
Would you care to join us?
95
00:06:02,40 --> 00:06:03,800
Yes,
mineral water'll be fine.
96
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,600
(LAUGHS) No, no, no.
Not mineral water.
97
00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,240
Aqua vita. Aqua vita!
98
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:10,360
The water of life.
99
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:11,920
It really is the perfect way
100
00:06:12,40 --> 00:06:13,760
to set up your body
for the day,
101
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:17,240
full of nitrates and enzymes.
A natural antibiotic.
102
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,600
Auntie Val will fetch you
a glass. You can...
103
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,760
- ...fill it now, if you like.
- I'm sorry?
104
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,760
Fill it with your own
feculence, as we do.
105
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,600
Fill it with my fecu...?
106
00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,480
Micturate, Benjamin, micturate!
107
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,00
Pass water.
108
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:38,800
You want me to piss
into a glass?
109
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:42,880
It's an aid to digestion,
and so good for the skin.
110
00:06:43,00 --> 00:06:45,840
Now, come on. On your feet!
One mustn't be ashamed
111
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,360
of one's bodily functions.
112
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:48,840
No, no,
| don't think | want to!
113
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,520
Let's get the little fireman
out, shall we?
114
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:51,440
Oh!
115
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,240
Now, if you'd like to place
the glass thusly...
116
00:06:56,80 --> 00:06:59,80
...all you have to do
is let yourself go.
117
00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:02,160
In this house, we think of
118
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,840
a dripping tap
or a babbling brook.
119
00:07:07,40 --> 00:07:09,80
- Just let it flow.
- No, | can't!
120
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,120
- Do you want a bigger glass?
- No!
121
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:15,400
It's nothing to do with
the size.
122
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,240
| don't want to, all right?
123
00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:21,80
Oh, dear.
124
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,360
It seems
125
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,480
Benjamin thinks
there's something odd
126
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:26,680
about drinking
one's Own pee-wee...
127
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,880
...something unnatural.
128
00:07:30,00 --> 00:07:31,440
Yes, | do!
129
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,240
Well,
there are plenty of precedents
130
00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,760
in the animal kingdom
that demonstrate otherwise.
131
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,720
My toads, for example,
will consume
132
00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,440
almost three times their
own volume in urine every day.
133
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:45,520
Perhaps you would mock
the toad,
134
00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:47,120
in his wisdom?
135
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,600
What is good enough for him
is not so for you.
136
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,880
Well, the toad has been
on this Earth
137
00:07:52,00 --> 00:07:54,680
since the dawn of time,
millions of years
138
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,920
before man saw fit to strut
upright amongst the trees,
139
00:07:58,40 --> 00:08:00,400
and | dare say
he and his amphibian brethren
140
00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:02,440
will outlast
our own petty species
141
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:04,840
in the evolutionary battle.
142
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,760
So join me, then, and drink!
143
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,320
Drink! That we may become
144
00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,920
more like him
and his batrachian friends!
145
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,680
Or would you prefer tea?
146
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:28,440
£2.50, please,
147
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:30,520
for the Roundabout Zoo.
148
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:33,520
(GOAT BLEATS)
149
00:08:35,00 --> 00:08:37,120
£2.50, please.
150
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:39,680
£2.50 for the roundabout.
151
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,680
No, thanks, mate.
152
00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,440
But you...
But you get a sticker.
153
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:56,440
(BOTH LAUGH)
154
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:58,920
- All right, Samuel? Hilary?
- Maurice.
155
00:08:59,40 --> 00:09:02,560
Why, these road fellas aren't
wasting much time, are they?
156
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:04,160
Now, are you still on
for this afternoon?
157
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:05,360
I've booked the table for one.
158
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,320
- I'll be there.
- Aye!
159
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,200
Oh, and, er, Maurice?
160
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:10,320
Aye?
161
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:13,560
I've had a...special delivery.
162
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,00
No, Hilary.
163
00:09:19,40 --> 00:09:21,960
I've told you.
I'm not interested!
164
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,120
He'll come round.
165
00:09:37,80 --> 00:09:40,00
| even thought about going
to Casablanca to have it done,
166
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:41,920
but I'd have been butchered.
167
00:09:42,40 --> 00:09:44,480
It happened
to a friend of mine - Julia.
168
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:48,200
Besides, I'm not supposed
to fly after the implants.
169
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:50,240
There's a danger
of the bust imploding.
170
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:55,520
All right, Barbara?
171
00:09:58,80 --> 00:10:00,720
PAULINE: Hokey-cokey,
pig-in-a-pokey!
172
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:02,880
Good morning, jobseekers!
173
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,680
Now, then,
it's been brought to
174
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:10,680
my attention that certain
of the gents on my Restarts
175
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,720
have been taking the pens
home with them.
176
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:17,640
Mm! Stealing the pens.
Pauline's pens.
177
00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:19,640
So | warn you now,
178
00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:20,800
if it happens again,
179
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,320
| shall start chaining them
to the tables.
180
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,800
And the pens!
181
00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:32,320
That was a joke, Ross. Don't
crack your face, will you?
182
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,40
Now, then, jobseekers,
183
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:36,400
we're thinking today -
184
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:40,200
do you remember? -
about interview technique.
185
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:44,00
Mm? And what | want to do
first is a little role play,
186
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:45,840
so if you want to make
some space.
187
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,240
Well, come on, chop chop!
188
00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:51,560
Pauline, when are we going
to get on to the computers
189
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,560
and learn about spreadsheets,
databases, something practical?
190
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,200
Piss off, Ross.
191
00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,240
Right. Thank you, jobseekers.
192
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,520
Now, then, in this role play,
193
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,800
| am going to be playing
an employer,
194
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,00
and I'm interviewing...
195
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:10,280
...Mickey, here, for a job.
196
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:11,720
What job?
197
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,560
It's shoving trolleys round
Asda car park, Mickey, love.
198
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:17,480
| Know it's out of your league,
but we're only playing.
199
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:19,240
So, come on,
200
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,720
| want to see you
really sell yourself!
201
00:11:23,40 --> 00:11:24,600
My name is Mickey!
202
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:26,280
Ooh, good morning, Mr Mickey.
203
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:29,240
Can you tell me,
what was your last job?
204
00:11:31,00 --> 00:11:32,280
Milk monitor.
205
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,840
And, erm,
206
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:37,160
what qualifications
do you have?
207
00:11:39,00 --> 00:11:40,400
I'm a good swimmer.
208
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:44,160
Uh-huh. And what other work
209
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:45,960
have you done,
apart from milk monitor?
210
00:11:46,80 --> 00:11:48,440
- Bugger all.
- Language, Mickey.
211
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:50,360
What? Watch your language.
212
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,720
- English!
- No, watch your language.
213
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,280
Ooh, never mind. Thank you
very much. We'll let you know.
214
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,320
- Thanks. Did | win?
- Yeah, you did super, love.
215
00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:00,00
Right. Thank you, Mickey!
216
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,80
That was a perfect example,
everybody,
217
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:06,120
of how not to conduct yourself
at interview.
218
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:07,640
He slouched,
219
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,600
he swore,
he came across generally
220
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,520
as aman
who had shit for brains.
221
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,520
- Didn't you, cherub?
- Yeah.
222
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:16,560
Right, jobseekers,
what I'm going to do now is
223
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:20,160
| am going to show you
the right way. Hm’?
224
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,800
| want someone in this room
to interview me.
225
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,00
Any takers?
226
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,680
(CLICKS FINGERS)
227
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:27,800
Well, you disappoint me.
228
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,200
I'll do it.
229
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,40
Ross!
230
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:37,440
Well, thank you very much.
In your own time.
231
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:40,120
Could | have the clipboard,
please, Pauline?
232
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:43,360
Erm... Yeah.
Yeah, you can, yeah.
233
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:44,800
And the pen?
234
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:52,480
Be very careful with it.
235
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,560
Ooh, | feel all naked.
236
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,400
- I'm glad you're not.
- What?!
237
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,520
In your own time.
238
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,280
(BANGS FOOT ON FLOOR)
239
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:10,920
The door was already open.
240
00:13:15,00 --> 00:13:16,400
Would you like
to take a seat...?
241
00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:17,560
Yes,
242
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:20,560
I'm sorry.
No, Ross is quite right.
243
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,240
You're in the driving seat now.
244
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:25,920
| Know.
245
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,120
I'm getting these, Mike,
we're celebrating.
246
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,560
Oh, thank you, Geoff!
247
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,200
So, have you set a date yet,
mate?
248
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,40
No. Well, Cheryl's got to
speak to her parents yet,
249
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:36,800
but it's going to be
quite soon, | think, y'know.
250
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:38,960
Quick,
or these'll get in before us.
251
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:44,480
Right!
Erm, pint, please, Geoff.
252
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,880
- All right, er, Brian?
- Just a Coke, please, Geoff.
253
00:13:47,00 --> 00:13:48,520
- Eh?!
- Er, lager.
254
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,200
Right.
Three lagers, sweetheart.
255
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:52,800
And will you have
a church do, or...?
256
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,120
- Well, to be honest...
- Never mind all that.
257
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,400
That's the woman's job! First
thing you've got to do, Mike,
258
00:13:57,520 --> 00:13:58,720
is sort out your best man.
259
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:01,200
Oh, God, | haven't thought that
far ahead, to be honest, Geoff.
260
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:02,720
Well, it's got to be
one of us two, hasn't it?
261
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,240
You haven't got
any other friends.
262
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:05,760
Thank you very much...!
263
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,600
We'll have to, er,
draw straws for it, Geoff!
264
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:10,800
Eh?
265
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,00
We'll have to...draw straws,
toss a coin or something!
266
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,600
You've got it all planned out,
have you?
267
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,320
- No.
- Keep your nose out, then!
268
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,440
Mike's my friend more than
yours. Aren't you, Mike?
269
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,320
There's not a lot in it,
to be honest, Geoff.
270
00:14:26,00 --> 00:14:28,160
Brian said
Cheryl looks like a moose.
271
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:34,880
He said, "| can't believe
he's marrying that old moose."
272
00:14:36,00 --> 00:14:37,400
| never said that, Mike.
273
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:39,400
Geoff did.
274
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:41,480
No, | said she looks
about 100 years old.
275
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,440
| didn't say
she looked like a moose.
276
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,720
Oh, Geoff, you idiot!
277
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:53,880
You're right, Brian.
278
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,200
We will have to toss for it.
279
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,40
Tubbs?
280
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,800
Tu-ubbs?
281
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,400
Tubbs!
282
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,760
London!
283
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,320
London!
284
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,280
London!
285
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,920
Give it to me, Tubbs.
286
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:33,840
No!
287
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,560
(YELLS) No!
288
00:15:37,00 --> 00:15:40,80
You lied to me, Edward!
289
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,240
(SOBS) You lied to me!
290
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,960
There is a Swansea.
291
00:15:50,80 --> 00:15:52,40
Nonsense!
292
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,800
And other places, too!
293
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,720
You kept them from me!
294
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:58,520
Yes, | kept them from you.
295
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:01,360
To keep you clean and pure
and local.
296
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:02,920
What about new road?
297
00:16:03,40 --> 00:16:04,680
What about it?
298
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:08,600
When new road comes,
we can see these places.
299
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:11,200
- We can go!
- Go where’?!
300
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:14,400
Plymouth.
301
00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,440
Oh, oh! (WHIMPERS)
302
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:21,760
I'm going to stop your road,
Tubbs.
303
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,880
Once and for all.
304
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:26,560
(SHOP BELL RINGS)
305
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,280
Eugh!
306
00:16:34,00 --> 00:16:36,560
(BABY CRIES)
307
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:42,920
Yes, pal, can | 'elp you?
308
00:16:43,40 --> 00:16:44,480
Oh, I'm just browsing.
309
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:45,960
Sorry, chief,
didn't catch that.
310
00:16:46,80 --> 00:16:47,640
I'm just looking around.
311
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,960
Straight out the door,
turn right, up the high street.
312
00:16:50,80 --> 00:16:50,880
I'm sorry?
313
00:16:51,00 --> 00:16:52,880
That's the way to
the bloody library, all right?
314
00:16:53,00 --> 00:16:54,280
Isn't this the joke shop?
315
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,480
Two pairs of plastic tits
in the window,
316
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,360
jar of fart sweets
on the counter.
317
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,200
No, mate,
it's the bloody butcher's.
318
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,360
Jesus Christ!
319
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:04,880
Yes, this is the joke shop,
"shop" being the key word.
320
00:17:05,00 --> 00:17:06,200
So if you've just come here
to laugh
321
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:08,80
at the funny bumper stickers
and the wind-up willies,
322
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,720
you can sod off out of it now,
all right?
323
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:11,600
No, no, | am going to be making
a purchase.
324
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,200
Well...
325
00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,760
...whoopee shit.
326
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:19,640
What is it, then, squire?
327
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,00
- Stag night, is it?
- What?
328
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:23,400
You got a stag night coming up?
Want something a bit saucy?
329
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,200
Come here. I've just the thing.
330
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:27,840
- What about that?
- What is it?
331
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,400
Well, sprinkle it
in the groom's undies
332
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:30,760
the night before the wedding.
333
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:31,960
Gives him crabs.
334
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,480
Bloody crab's eggs, innit?
335
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:36,920
Hatch out in his bush
overnight.
336
00:17:37,40 --> 00:17:39,240
Next day, he's stood at
the altar, missus next to him,
337
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,280
all he can think about is
scratching his bleedin’ jewels,
338
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,800
cos they're crawling
with bleedin’ crabs.
339
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:44,920
- It's blinding, innit? £4.50.
- What?
340
00:17:45,40 --> 00:17:46,280
All right, four quid.
341
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:49,280
No, no, I'm looking for
something more...specific.
342
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:50,880
Oh.
343
00:17:54,00 --> 00:17:56,680
- What about these?
- What are they?
344
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,800
Hot sweets. Give 'em the best
man before he makes his speech.
345
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,400
Hot sweets, eh?
What's in 'em? Pepper?
346
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:03,600
Potassium.
347
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,920
Burns the roof of his mouth
off, and his tongue.
348
00:18:06,40 --> 00:18:07,600
Never talk again.
349
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,80
No, no. It's not
the kind of thing I'm after.
350
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,880
All right, hold your horses,
squire.
351
00:18:12,00 --> 00:18:14,120
| Know I've got something
for you.
352
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,880
What about this?
353
00:18:16,00 --> 00:18:18,320
A couple of drops of this
in the bride's champagne,
354
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:19,800
she'll piss herself.
355
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,240
What's so funny about it?
356
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:22,800
No, it don't make her laugh.
357
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,560
She pisses herself.
Can't stop pissing.
358
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,00
It's a sort of muscle relaxant.
359
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:27,520
I've got a mate who works
for a drugs company.
360
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,120
He knocks it up himself.
16 quid.
361
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,480
‘Ere, put your hand in there.
362
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:35,680
What's in it?
363
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,240
Go on, chief. It ain't gonna
bleedin’ bite you.
364
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:40,240
- No, thanks.
- Put yer hand in!
365
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:41,560
| don't want to.
366
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,320
You're not leaving this shop
till you do.
367
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,400
- What?!
- I'm not joking, squire.
368
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:49,680
You're not leaving
this bloody shop
369
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,360
till you put your hand
in that bleedin’ tube.
370
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:54,00
Please!
371
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:57,520
Put...your...hand...in!
372
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:15,240
Ah, it's not switched on.
373
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:16,280
(YELLS)
374
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:17,800
(LAUGHS)
375
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,00
It's good, that, innit?
376
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,440
Runs off a car battery.
You can't buy 'em.
377
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,640
Jesus!
378
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,760
Some people ain't got
no sense of humour.
379
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,400
Yes, pal, can | help you?
Stag night, is it?
380
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:36,880
Er, yeah.
381
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:44,600
And, lo, the scales fell
from Saul's eyes
382
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:47,160
and he finally saw
the true light,
383
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:51,00
the way and the Lord!
384
00:19:52,40 --> 00:19:54,200
At least,
that's what it says here.
385
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,120
Lord, | am tired.
386
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,480
Well, so much
for the road to Damascus.
387
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,880
What about the road
to Royston Vasey
388
00:20:05,00 --> 00:20:08,200
that we're finally getting?
Hallelujah!
389
00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:12,320
Let's just hope we don't get
a visit from Pog or Loopy,
390
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:15,80
those soap-dodging
road protesters,
391
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,600
driving round in their
converted ice-cream vans.
392
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,320
Pierced belly buttons,
393
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,480
pierced eyebrows,
pierced tongues...
394
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:24,280
| bet they'd have
their arseholes pierced
395
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,440
if they could get their cheeks
into the machine!
396
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:29,560
If | had my way,
397
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,440
I'd shepherd them all
into one of their tunnels,
398
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:32,720
knock out all the pit props
399
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,360
and then see how they liked
being close to the earth then!
400
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,40
Well, | welcome this road
401
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:41,680
and every blast
of carbon monoxide it brings.
402
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,800
If God had meant us
to walk everywhere,
403
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,120
he wouldn't have given us
Little Chefs.
404
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,400
Hymn number 143.
405
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:51,160
Drive Them Unto Me,
Thy Saviour.
406
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:55,280
(SNORES)
407
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:03,40
- Mm! Shot, Hilary!
- Aye! It's a long time
408
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,600
since my championship days now,
but I've not lost me touch.
409
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:12,200
It's, er, good to see all this
activity on the road front,
410
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:14,520
in't it? Makes quite a change,
411
00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,160
someone listening to the voice
of the small businessman,
412
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:19,600
- just for once.
- Not before time, Maurice,
413
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:21,440
- not before time.
- (CHUCKLES)
414
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:25,600
- Oh!
- (BOTH LAUGH)
415
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,800
You thought any more
about what | said?
416
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:33,200
(WHISPERS) Hilary!
Not here. Not now.
417
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:34,920
Now's as good a time as any,
418
00:21:35,40 --> 00:21:37,720
- Maurice.
- For God's sake, Hilary!
419
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:40,640
- I'm a magistrate!
- So what?
420
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:42,760
There are all sorts on my list.
421
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:46,80
Ex-mayors, chief constables...
422
00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:49,320
I'm not interested!
423
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:56,680
Go on.
424
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,600
Give it a go.
425
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:03,00
Hilary...put it away! Please!
426
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,760
I'm not touching it.
It's yours.
427
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:06,960
Hilary!
428
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,560
Wasn't so difficult, was it?
429
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:16,920
Tell you what...
430
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,680
...that one's on me.
431
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,280
Just let me know
how you get on.
432
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,880
(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)
433
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:39,320
And you're interested
in the trolley job?
434
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:42,360
That is right.
I'm very interested, yes.
435
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:45,320
| feel that my ability to
work well as part of a team
436
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:48,440
and yet take
individual responsibility
437
00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:51,40
are important factors
in a job of this nature.
438
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:52,600
What work experience
have you had?
439
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:55,40
| left school early
and started to work...
440
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:56,560
Oh, so you didn't go
to college?
441
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:59,840
No, | felt that actual
work experience...
442
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:01,480
So you have no qualifications.
443
00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:02,600
Well, if you don't count
444
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,280
20 years
in the employment service.
445
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:05,520
Well, no. No, | don't.
446
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,280
I'm talking about
academic achievement.
447
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:08,400
Degrees, diplomas.
448
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,200
Oh, come off it, Ross.
449
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:11,920
Shoving a trolley
round Asda car park?
450
00:23:12,40 --> 00:23:13,960
A friggin' monkey could do it.
451
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:20,00
Would you say
you're a fairly...
452
00:23:21,40 --> 00:23:23,240
...egregious person?
453
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:26,280
What?
454
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,640
Are you an egregious person?
455
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,320
Do you have
an egregious personality?
456
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:34,400
Erm...
457
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:37,680
Yeah. Yeah, | do, yeah.
458
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:40,240
All right, I'm going to say
some other words to you now,
459
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:41,640
and | want you to reply
460
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:43,200
with the first thing
that comes into your head.
461
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:44,840
- All right?
- All right, yes.
462
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,200
- Home.
- Royston Vasey.
463
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:48,920
- Family.
- Dead.
464
00:23:49,40 --> 00:23:49,920
Friends.
465
00:23:50,40 --> 00:23:51,440
Pens.
466
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:53,640
No, friends.
467
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:55,00
Pens!
468
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:56,960
The best friends you can have.
469
00:23:57,80 --> 00:24:00,920
Everything | know about people
| learnt from pens.
470
00:24:01,40 --> 00:24:03,80
If they don't work,
you shake 'em.
471
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:06,760
If they still don't work,
you chuck 'em away, bin 'em!
472
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,360
Really?
473
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:10,960
- Work.
- Everything.
474
00:24:11,80 --> 00:24:12,920
My work is everything to me.
475
00:24:13,40 --> 00:24:14,800
- Love.
- No.
476
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:18,160
There was somebody once,
but...
477
00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:19,800
And can | get your age, please,
Pauline?
478
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:21,440
| think
that's a lady's prerogative.
479
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,40
| need to Know how old you are
for the records!
480
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,120
Well, let's say I'm as old
as me gums and alittle bit...
481
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:27,200
- How old are you?
- 48!
482
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:28,920
Thank you
for coming to see us today.
483
00:24:29,40 --> 00:24:31,40
Thank you very much.
When do | start?
484
00:24:32,40 --> 00:24:32,960
Oh...
485
00:24:33,80 --> 00:24:36,600
Oh, I'm sorry, |, er, can't
offer you this position.
486
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:40,680
You what?
487
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:42,960
Well...you failed
the interview.
488
00:24:43,80 --> 00:24:44,800
You strike me
489
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:46,560
as a bully.
490
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:49,880
You're ill-mannered, ignorant
and foul-mouthed.
491
00:24:50,00 --> 00:24:51,960
You're not qualified
for this job.
492
00:24:52,80 --> 00:24:54,120
And apart from anything else...
493
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:56,640
... you're too old...
494
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:00,200
...miss.
495
00:25:02,80 --> 00:25:03,440
Sorry.
496
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:07,560
But | can...
497
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:17,840
(PEN CLICKS)
498
00:25:23,40 --> 00:25:24,840
Good! Thank you very much!
499
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:28,00
| feel that Ross handled
that situation very well.
500
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,600
Can | have me things back?
Yeah, although it did
501
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:33,80
make me wonder how well
he'd handle a situation
502
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:34,480
more like this!
503
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,960
(ROSS ROARS IN PAIN)
504
00:25:37,80 --> 00:25:38,560
Oh, a bully, am |?
505
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,160
Foul-fuckin'-mouthed?
506
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:45,280
Well, you'll eat those words!
507
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:48,400
Egregious! Egregious!
Egregious! Is this what it is?
508
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,360
Is this egregious enough
for you?
509
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:51,800
Stop it, Pauline!
510
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:54,640
Stop it, you nutter!
511
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,520
(ROSS COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS)
512
00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:12,40
Oh, Mickey...
513
00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:15,40
What is egregious?
514
00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:21,00
- (BABY CRIES)
- Quiet!
515
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:24,400
(MOTHER SIGHS)
516
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,560
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
517
00:26:35,80 --> 00:26:36,640
Hello?
518
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:39,760
(KNOCKING STARTS AGAIN)
519
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,120
Who is it?
520
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:45,600
GEOFF: Mike?
521
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,280
It's me, Geoff.
522
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:50,360
What do you want, Geoff?
523
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:54,520
What you doin’?
524
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,440
I'm on the toilet.
525
00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,280
You haven't got Brian in there
with you, have you?
526
00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:01,960
What?!
527
00:27:02,80 --> 00:27:05,160
Look...I've come to apologise.
528
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:08,600
I've brung you
an engagement present.
529
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:09,960
Oh.
530
00:27:10,80 --> 00:27:11,960
Yeah, I'm really sorry
for what | said.
531
00:27:12,80 --> 00:27:14,280
I'm happy for you.
| love that Cheryl.
532
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:16,00
- (TOILET FLUSHES)
- | don't fancy her, obviously.
533
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:17,480
She's really old-looking.
534
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:19,680
But you do,
and that's the point.
535
00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:24,600
So, you know, if you need
anyone in the future, maybe...?
536
00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:26,480
Yes, Geoff.
537
00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:28,280
What?
538
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,80
Yes, you can be my best man.
539
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,360
Oh, yes!
| can't wait to tell Brian!
540
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:34,480
All right, all right.
541
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:36,600
So, what's this present
you've got me, then?
542
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:38,40
Oh, yeah.
543
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:41,360
Put your hand in there.
544
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:44,840
(THUNDER CRASHES)
545
00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:48,680
(MACHINERY RUMBLES)
546
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,720
Stop! Stop the machine!
547
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:10,560
Pick her up.
548
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:43,600
What the hell is that?
549
00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:47,960
(LAUGHS)
35862
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