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1
00:00:04,80 --> 00:00:06,160
WOMAN: "Dear Benjamin,
we are So glad
2
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:07,960
"you are coming
to stay with us,
3
00:00:08,80 --> 00:00:09,800
“If only for the night.
4
00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,40
"| hope
that you and your friend
5
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:14,280
“enjoy your hiking holiday
6
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:17,760
"and don't find our little town
too boring.
7
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:21,120
"We have never been camping,
as Uncle Harvey
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00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:23,840
"does not get on
with chemical toilets..."
9
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,160
Excuse me! Do you mind?
This is private.
10
00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:30,280
We are now approaching
Royston Vasey.
11
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:33,120
Royston Vasey next stop.
12
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,320
This is the end of the line.
13
00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:42,680
(WIND WHISTLES)
14
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,200
(CAR APPROACHES)
15
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:17,920
(GRUFF VOICE) Where to, pal?
16
00:01:18,40 --> 00:01:20,760
- Swanmills estate, please.
- Righto.
17
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,720
Are you here for work
or pleasure?
18
00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,360
Pleasure, | Suppose.
I'm staying with relatives,
19
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:30,920
and I'm going hiking
with a friend.
20
00:01:31,40 --> 00:01:33,440
Oh, it's a nice part of town,
is Swanmills.
21
00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:34,960
Lovely shops.
22
00:01:35,80 --> 00:01:37,80
It's where | get
my dresses from.
23
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,520
Aye, the good thing is,
24
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,160
they know me there now.
25
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:44,840
| couldn't go into
Dorothy Perkins
26
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,480
once me bust
started showing,
27
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,360
- y'know.
- Oh!
28
00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:53,80
I've only been on the hormones
18 months.
29
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,640
Me nipples are like bullets!
30
00:01:57,00 --> 00:01:58,280
Morning, Dr Chinnery!
31
00:01:58,400 --> 00:01:59,880
Morning, Barbara.
32
00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:06,160
POSTBOX: Thank you
for posting a letter inside me.
33
00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:32,40
Sorry, lads.
34
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,280
Morning, Mrs Dyson!
35
00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,480
(WIND WHISTLES)
36
00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:06,920
(SHOP BELL RINGS)
37
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:29,800
Ye-e-es?
38
00:03:31,40 --> 00:03:34,160
Ohl! I-I'm sorry.
Are you...open?
39
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,800
Yes.
40
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,440
Can | help you at all?
41
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:42,80
Oh, no, thanks. I'm just...
42
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,560
.. JjUSt looking.
43
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,280
| haven't seen you before.
44
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,640
Are you a local?
45
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,600
No, I'm meeting up
with a friend, actually.
46
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:57,40
Going hiking.
47
00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:58,400
Cheerio.
48
00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,80
Can | help you at all?
49
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,160
Well, yes, actually.
| was wondering how much
50
00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:04,480
- this snowstorm was.
- (YELLS)
51
00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:06,960
- What are you doing?!
- Sorry!
52
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,40
Don't touch the things!
53
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,560
This is a local shop
for local people.
54
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:16,960
- There's nothing for you here.
- | can pay.
55
00:04:17,80 --> 00:04:18,800
Keep your hands
where | can see them.
56
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,920
| have a husband, you know.
He's up the stairs.
57
00:04:23,40 --> 00:04:24,800
He's sure to hear everything.
58
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:29,120
If you were to come back here
and touch them, I...
59
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,880
- No, l...
- Edward! Edward!
60
00:04:31,00 --> 00:04:32,680
Hello, hello.
61
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,240
What's going on?
What's all this shouting?
62
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,00
We'll have no trouble here.
63
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:41,120
| caught him stealing
from the shop.
64
00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:43,680
Who is he?
Is his identity known?
65
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,280
He's not local.
66
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,800
Look here,
we're very proud of our town.
67
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:51,200
This is a decent town
and a local shop.
68
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:53,40
We'll have no trouble here.
69
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,880
He asked me to open the till.
70
00:04:55,00 --> 00:04:56,160
No!
71
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:57,400
He has a plan.
72
00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:00,00
He covets the precious things
of the shop.
73
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:03,280
Oh! Tea leaf, eh?
74
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:06,160
You people are all alike.
75
00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:08,400
You march in here, young,
76
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:11,160
try and touch the local things.
77
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,80
| suppose next you'll be
78
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,80
spraying me with
one of those cans of paint,
79
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,120
smearing poor Tubbs here
80
00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:19,840
with excrement.
81
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,800
I've got your number, fella.
You won't get far.
82
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:27,120
He tried to see
under my clothes.
83
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,680
Pervert, eh?
84
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,520
Got...sex on the brain.
85
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,720
Wet the bed, I'll bet,
as a boy.
86
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,400
No sisters.
87
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,720
| used to be in a war,
88
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,160
and | put paid
to quite a few like you.
89
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:45,680
This is a decent town
and a local shop.
90
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,840
There's nothing for you here.
91
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:50,160
Tell him | can't have babies
anyway.
92
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:54,360
Tell him
my insides are all wrong.
93
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,200
Devil!
94
00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:59,80
Go on, then. Take the precious
things of the shop,
95
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:00,840
burn down our home,
96
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,320
rape our dead mouths!
97
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:07,80
So long as | don't have
to listen to any more
98
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,960
of your disgusting babble.
99
00:06:09,80 --> 00:06:10,80
Look!
100
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,360
I'm sorry if I've done anything
to upset
101
00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:14,840
or offend either of you.
102
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,00
| just wanted to come in here
and browse in your bloody shop.
103
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:23,00
If you don't mind,
I'll just...leave quietly.
104
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,640
Ah!
105
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:30,160
You...heard the man, Tubbs.
106
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:32,680
Get undressed.
107
00:06:40,80 --> 00:06:41,160
(RAIN LASHES)
108
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:43,160
BARBARA: Yeah, it's quite
a straightforward operation,
109
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:45,160
really. Basically,
110
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,400
they split the penis in two
111
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:49,240
and invert it,
112
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,520
using the membrane
to form a sort of...
113
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,200
Hokey-cokey, pig-in-a-pokey!
114
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:00,800
(CLEARS HER THROAT)
115
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:04,880
Hello, gents.
Ohl! It's half past nine,
116
00:07:05,00 --> 00:07:07,320
time for men - men with jobs -
to go to work.
117
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,520
Other men stay in bed
till dinnertime,
118
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,80
watching Tots TV,
119
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:14,400
thinking about how worthless
and pathetic they are.
120
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,480
Good morning, jobseekers.
121
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,80
Now, we were thinking
yesterday, weren't we,
122
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,640
about jobs?
Do you remember?
123
00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:26,280
And what did we conclude?
124
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:27,720
Hm?
125
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:29,720
There aren't any.
126
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,640
No, Ross, we concluded
127
00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:35,240
that there are
so many jobs out there,
128
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,600
we need to know
what our options are.
129
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,560
Hm? So, today
130
00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:44,120
we're going to have
a little brainstorming session.
131
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,160
Don't worry, Mickey, love.
It doesn't hurt.
132
00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:51,760
First up,
who can tell me what this is?
133
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:53,320
Hm?
134
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,00
It's a pen.
135
00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,200
Yes, Ross, it's a pen,
one of Pauline's pens.
136
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:03,640
And me and Mr Pen,
we're going for a little walk
137
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,280
down the high street,
138
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,640
where we're going to see
lots and lots of people
139
00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:09,400
doing lots and lots of jobs.
140
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,160
Not our high street, then.
141
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:14,280
Ooh, look, there's Mr Pastry.
142
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,800
What do you think his job
could be, gents?
143
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:20,00
- Baker.
- Yes, good. Baker.
144
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:23,720
So I'm going to write that up
on the board - "baker" -
145
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,440
and then...
146
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:28,800
Oh, look who's over there!
It's Mr...
147
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,560
... Cabbages.
148
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,400
And his job is...?
149
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,480
Fireman!
150
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:39,240
No, Mickey, love.
He is a greengrocer.
151
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:44,120
But his good friend is
Mr Flames, and he /s a...?
152
00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,560
Greengrocer.
153
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:49,120
- No.
- Fireman.
154
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,00
Good. Come on, gents.
155
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,400
Shout more jobs out.
Let's get a list going.
156
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,640
Fireman!
157
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:57,640
Yeah, we've got that one,
Mickey, love.
158
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:01,480
Newsagent.
159
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,960
Good. Newsagent.
160
00:09:04,80 --> 00:09:05,880
ROSS: Policeman. Carpet fitter.
161
00:09:06,00 --> 00:09:07,440
Yes, that is a job, isn't it?
162
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,960
Doctor. Vet. Tennis player.
163
00:09:10,80 --> 00:09:11,440
Football player.
164
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,760
Just a minute, gents.
Tennis player...
165
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:14,800
Fireman!
166
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:17,480
Window cleaner.
Gardener. Architect.
167
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,760
- Slow down.
- Tinker. Tailor. Soldier.
168
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,600
Spy. Butcher. Baker.
169
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,40
- Candlestick maker.
- Now...
170
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:24,440
Fisherman. Builder. Labourer.
171
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:26,160
All right, clever Dick!
172
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,400
That's enough now.
173
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,120
An astronaut.
174
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,800
Piss off!
175
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,280
You can shout out as many jobs
as you like, Ross.
176
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:41,880
You're never going
to bloody get one,
177
00:09:42,00 --> 00:09:43,400
you worthless dole-scum!
178
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:57,640
Can you think of a job,
Mickey, love?
179
00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,200
Yeah.
180
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,00
Ahhh!
181
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:02,400
You see, Ross?
182
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:04,800
This poor bastard
can't even spell "job",
183
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,600
but at least he tries.
184
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:07,960
Juh...
185
00:10:08,80 --> 00:10:09,200
O...
186
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:12,600
What's this?
187
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:15,680
"Dear Mr Mickey,
we would like you to come in
188
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:17,880
"for an interview
this afternoon"?
189
00:10:18,00 --> 00:10:20,160
Oh, that's brilliant, Mickey.
What's it for?
190
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,00
Fireman!
191
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,800
It's not so bad
once you've been shaved
192
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:29,680
and marked up with lipstick,
y'know.
193
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:31,320
Of course, they won't know
about lubrication
194
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,240
- till they open me up.
- Yeah...
195
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,120
- Hello, Auntie Val.
- Benjamin!
196
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:47,280
Come inside. Quickly, quickly.
197
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,960
Through here, Benjamin, please.
198
00:10:52,80 --> 00:10:53,320
Oh, thank you, Auntie Val.
199
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:55,120
Very kind of you
to let me stay.
200
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,640
Oh, not at all, not at all.
| was only saying to your...
201
00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:59,640
... Uncle Harvey over breakfast,
202
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,440
we don't see enough
of your side of the family.
203
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,600
Now, whilst you're staying
with us, we want you to relax,
204
00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:08,760
come and go as you please,
and treat this place
205
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,520
just like your own home.
206
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,160
Well,
| am only staying one night.
207
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:13,200
| know, | know.
208
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:14,720
And | do have to meet Martin
later.
209
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:15,880
Absolutely.
210
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:17,800
Oh.
211
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:19,640
What is it?
212
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,240
Well, it's just a little thing,
but in this house
213
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,680
we do ask that you leave
your shoes in the front porch.
214
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:25,720
Oh!
215
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:28,200
Who's left muddy footprints
all over the lovely carpet?!
216
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:30,320
Oh, sorry. That was me, sorry.
217
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,160
Ah, Benjamin.
218
00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:33,440
It's just that in this house,
219
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,720
we leave our shoes
in the front porch,
220
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,560
underneath the barometer.
221
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:38,760
Ah, yeah, sorry about that.
222
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:40,520
| was just explaining
to Benjamin, Harvey,
223
00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:41,920
that whilst he's staying
with us,
224
00:11:42,40 --> 00:11:43,680
we want him to relax
and treat this place
225
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:44,760
just like his own home.
226
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,240
Of course, of course.
227
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,320
Take your shoes off.
228
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:57,840
This way.
229
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,640
Good.
230
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,120
- We thought you...
- Not there!
231
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,480
There.
232
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:08,680
Left a bit.
233
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,480
And the right one
closer to the left.
234
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,440
That'll do.
235
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:19,200
We thought you'd be happiest
down here on the sofabed.
236
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:21,160
You'll have your own shower
and WC.
237
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,880
Into which
we don't pass solids.
238
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:29,00
And you won't have the girls
239
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:30,920
running in and out
every five minutes.
240
00:12:31,40 --> 00:12:32,560
Oh, well, that sounds great.
241
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,400
Of course,
| shall be inconvenienced,
242
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:36,320
as this room
serves as my study,
243
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,320
but | can stay late
at the office.
244
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,600
- Oh, if it's any trouble...
- No!
245
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:43,200
It's fine.
246
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:48,920
Well, there are just one or two
other things | have to explain
247
00:12:49,40 --> 00:12:51,760
so you'll feel absolutely
at home. Firstly,
248
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,360
- the keys.
- Oh, right.
249
00:12:59,80 --> 00:13:01,00
Now, they're all colour-coded,
250
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:03,440
so it shouldn't take you
too long.
251
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:05,960
Y'see, this is what I'm saying,
Geoff.
252
00:13:06,80 --> 00:13:08,120
There won't be any work
if they don't get a move on
253
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:10,160
- with this bloody road.
- Eh?
254
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:11,720
We're dying on our arses here.
255
00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:13,520
It'll be all right.
Come on, Brian,
256
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:16,280
we've only got an hour
for dinner, y'know!
257
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:17,880
God, he's bloody deaf, him.
258
00:13:18,00 --> 00:13:20,360
Well,
you know what they say, Geoff.
259
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:21,720
What?
260
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,600
Bmm-mm ahh deh.
261
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:24,800
Eh?
262
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,480
- Bmm-mm ahh deh!
- | can't hear you.
263
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,520
| said, "Bummers are deaf."
264
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,40
- Ahhh!
- Oh, yeah.
265
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,120
It's a good one, that!
266
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:34,960
In't it?
| fell for it, an’ all!
267
00:13:35,80 --> 00:13:37,640
Sorry, lads. | was getting
that table for tonight.
268
00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:41,120
Oh, right. Eh, Brian, you know
what they say, don't you?
269
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:42,320
What?
270
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,00
Bummers are deaf.
271
00:13:45,00 --> 00:13:46,40
What do you mean?
272
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,480
Well, they're deaf, aren't
they? Bummers are deaf!
273
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:53,640
| don't know
what you're on about, Geoff.
274
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:56,560
Well, / don't...
275
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,00
Mike said it.
276
00:13:59,00 --> 00:14:00,400
He was really laughing.
277
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,00
MAN: Afternoon.
278
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,80
It's just through here,
Veterinary.
279
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,200
Righto.
280
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,840
You're a good lad.
281
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,320
Thanks for coming
at such short notice.
282
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,280
Not at all.
283
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,240
She's in her basket.
284
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:25,40
| know she won't suffer
with you, Mr Chinnery.
285
00:14:28,40 --> 00:14:30,400
- | won't be a minute.
- Right.
286
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,520
Hello!
287
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,400
Hello, girl.
288
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:43,120
Ohhh! On your last legs,
you old trouper?
289
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,560
Well, never mind.
290
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,280
Had a good innings, eh?
291
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:53,640
Chased a few cats,
chewed a few bones.
292
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,640
Well, you won't be in pain
much longer.
293
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:03,360
Don't mind this.
Just a silly little needle.
294
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,200
There we go.
295
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,40
(DOG WHIMPERS)
296
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,40
Good dog.
297
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:15,960
There.
298
00:15:16,80 --> 00:15:17,880
Sssh...
299
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:22,40
Off to the land of Nod, eh?
300
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,560
Here she is, Veterinary.
301
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,360
That tumour puts
another half-stone on her.
302
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:29,800
Who've you got there, then?
303
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:33,120
It's Blacko, the poorly one.
304
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,280
The one | want putting down,
you know?
305
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,320
Er... And this one? The, er...
306
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,840
...sleeping one, by the fire?
307
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,640
Whisky?
My little angel, she is.
308
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,240
My little princess.
309
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:49,640
Aren't you, chick?
310
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:53,640
Right...
311
00:15:55,00 --> 00:15:56,200
Right.
312
00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:58,880
Whisky?
313
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,440
Whisky?
314
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,800
| wonder if you'd take a seat,
Mr Tinsel.
315
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,520
| have some
rather upsetting news.
316
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:17,440
So, jobseekers, when we think
about what skills you've got,
317
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,480
we can narrow
this list of job options
318
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:22,520
down to...
319
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,160
... babysitter
320
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:25,800
and...
321
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:27,480
...bramble-picker.
322
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,520
| don't know where
that one came from.
323
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,920
Right, I'm going to dish
me pens out again.
324
00:16:33,40 --> 00:16:35,480
- What time is it, Ross?
- You've got a watch on.
325
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:36,920
| know. What time is it?
326
00:16:37,40 --> 00:16:38,960
- Quarter past four.
- Right.
327
00:16:39,80 --> 00:16:40,400
Colin...
328
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:41,960
Erm, just a sec.
329
00:16:42,80 --> 00:16:44,40
Where do you think
you're going?
330
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,440
Interview.
331
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:48,400
You're going nowhere, buster.
Sit down.
332
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,680
Right, jobseekers,
as | was saying,
333
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,320
| want you to take a look
at this list...
334
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,760
Just a second.
How is he going to get a job
335
00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,80
if you don't let him go
for his interview?
336
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,800
How is he going to get
an interview
337
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,920
if he doesn't know
his job options?
338
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:06,360
He's already got an interview!
339
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,760
Ross,
that is not my responsibility.
340
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:14,160
My responsibility is to turn
all of you into jobseekers.
341
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:15,800
Where would | be
342
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,280
if you all got work
before the end of this course?
343
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:19,400
On the dole.
344
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:20,840
Exactly!
345
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,40
I'd be sat here,
next to Mr Waddilove,
346
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:24,600
stinking of shit.
347
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,80
This is my job
we're talking about.
348
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,120
No, it's not, it's Mickey's
job! You go, Mickey.
349
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,160
Mickey...
350
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:35,160
- Go!
- Mickey!
351
00:17:37,40 --> 00:17:38,680
If you walk out of that door,
352
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,440
| will have no option
but to stop your benefit.
353
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:45,720
Yeah, both claims.
354
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:48,600
She can't do that.
355
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:50,560
Try me.
356
00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:55,520
Please, Pauline.
| feel confident.
357
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,960
Well, you look ridiculous.
358
00:17:58,80 --> 00:18:01,00
| Know they've put monkeys
In Space,
359
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,360
but do you really think they'll
have one driving a fire engine?
360
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:05,560
- Sit down!
- Go!
361
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:18,960
That's right, Mickey, love.
You stick to what you know, eh?
362
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:23,80
Pauline's right.
363
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,400
| am stupid.
364
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:28,360
Right, the rest of you,
| want you
365
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,40
to split yourselves
into two groups,
366
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:31,960
babysitters
and bramble-pickers,
367
00:18:32,80 --> 00:18:33,920
and we're going to look
at the second stage -
368
00:18:34,40 --> 00:18:35,640
getting an interview.
369
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:39,920
Barbara?
370
00:18:40,40 --> 00:18:43,40
- Are bummers deaf?
- I've no idea.
371
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:45,560
Dunno know why I'm asking you.
372
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:47,280
- You're a woman.
- Not quite, Geoff.
373
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,560
They've to open me up first
374
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:50,560
along the base
of the scrotum...
375
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,120
Black for paper
Chrome for string
376
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,600
The blue ones
from this hook do swing
377
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:59,200
We keep them clean
Don't be mistaken
378
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:02,00
For kitchen jobs
Like trimming bacon.
379
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:03,520
Right, well, I'd better be off.
380
00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:05,480
I'm meeting Martin
at six o'clock.
381
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,920
Then there's the towels.
382
00:19:08,40 --> 00:19:09,120
White for hands, brown for feet
383
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:11,720
Green for torso, thighs
and seat
384
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:13,920
And in the cupboard
‘neath the stair...
385
00:19:14,40 --> 00:19:16,360
You'll find the red
for pubic hair.
386
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,480
Well, | think that's covered
just about everything.
387
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:22,960
You might want to relax.
388
00:19:23,80 --> 00:19:25,320
Perhaps you'd like to see
Harvey's toads.
389
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,560
What?
390
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,520
| breed toads for a hobby.
391
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,200
- Really?
- Yes.
392
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,720
Oh, well, er, the thing is,
393
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:33,480
I'm meant to be meeting Martin
later.
394
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,440
Batrachianism is
a most rewarding pastime.
395
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:39,320
We thought we'd give you
a tour of the amphibarium,
396
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:40,800
and then, if you're very good,
397
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,120
I'll let you stroke
my greenback.
398
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,640
Oh! Erm, but don't toads
give you warts?
399
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:52,840
You may give a toad a wart,
400
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,440
but a toad may not
give a wart to you!
401
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:58,840
I'll just go
and put the kettle on.
402
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:07,560
Well, I'd better, erm...
403
00:20:13,80 --> 00:20:14,760
While the wee wife's away,
404
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:19,320
just a few words
on the subject of onanism.
405
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:25,400
In this house,
406
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,80
we don't masturbate.
407
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,00
It's not a very pleasant thing
to do...
408
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,440
...particularly with two
young girls running around,
409
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:36,920
now, is it?
410
00:20:37,40 --> 00:20:40,360
I'd hate to think
of either Chloe or Radclyffe
411
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,360
tearing downstairs
first thing in the morning,
412
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:48,00
only to find you hunched double
on the sofabed...
413
00:20:50,80 --> 00:20:52,280
...pumping your fist.
414
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:55,440
So, while you're a guest
with us,
415
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:58,480
if you could rein in
those baser instincts,
416
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,160
if you don't mind,
Benjamin, please.
417
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:03,40
No, that's...fine.
418
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,480
Good.
419
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:06,840
Good.
420
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,760
Everything hunky-dory?
421
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,80
Good.
I'm so glad it's all sorted.
422
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,800
Semen is such
a persistent stain.
423
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,360
Oi! Three Bluebirds, please!
424
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:25,560
He's bloody deaf, him.
425
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,80
Well, you know what they say,
Geoff.
426
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:28,160
What?
427
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,600
- (ALL LAUGH)
- Yeah, all right, all right!
428
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,00
Hey, Brian,
429
00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:37,840
- tell Mike "Mau Mau".
- You what?
430
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,480
Y'know,
that one about the Mau Mau.
431
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,440
Oh, | can't remember that,
Geoff. You tell him.
432
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:43,680
No, you can. Mike,
433
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,80
Danny Taurus told us this joke
at the golf club,
434
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,360
and it's the funniest
bloody joke. Tell it, Brian.
435
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:49,600
- Me?
- Yeah, go on.
436
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:53,160
All right.
There's these three fellas...
437
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:55,480
Yeah, Englishman,
Irishman, Scotsman.
438
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:57,200
Yeah, Englishman,
Irishman, Scotchman.
439
00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:58,400
They get lost in the desert.
440
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,720
- No, jungle.
- Is it?
441
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:02,280
Mm-hm. Go on.
442
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:03,840
All right, they get lost
in the jungle,
443
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:05,480
and they get killed
by these cannibals.
444
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:06,520
No, not yet!
445
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:08,440
You missed the whole bloody
joke out, you idiot!
446
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,400
| can't remember it, Geoff.
You tell him!
447
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:11,800
- No, you can!
- It's all right,
448
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:13,920
- I'm not bothered, actually.
- No, sit down!
449
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:15,840
Eh?
450
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,120
Sit down.
451
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,240
He's telling a joke.
452
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:26,240
Now, just...
453
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:30,00
...remember what the end is
and go back.
454
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:33,160
Right. There's an Englishman...
455
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:34,480
- Fruit.
- What?
456
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,320
It's the fruit.
457
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,800
- Oh! Right!
- He remembers it now.
458
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,240
Englishman, Irishman,
all right.
459
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:45,880
They've got to go out into
the jungle, pick ten pieces
460
00:22:46,00 --> 00:22:46,920
of fruit and bring them back.
461
00:22:47,40 --> 00:22:48,640
So they come back, and the
chief says, "So, Englishman..."
462
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,280
Do the voice.
463
00:22:54,80 --> 00:22:55,240
The chief says...
464
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:56,280
(DEEP VOICE) "So, Englishman,
465
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:58,280
"now you must choose
between death or Mau Mau."
466
00:22:58,400 --> 00:22:59,640
The Englishman says,
467
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:02,440
"We English will not bow to you
savages. I'll choose Mau Mau."
468
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:03,600
So they grab him
469
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:05,80
and they stick the ten pieces
of fruit up his arse.
470
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,240
Yeah, and what did he pick?
471
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:08,240
Oh, the Englishman chose...
cherries.
472
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:09,960
Cherries! Imagine that, Mike,
ten cherries
473
00:23:10,80 --> 00:23:11,80
stuffed up your arse!
474
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,480
Cherries are only really small,
though, aren't they?
475
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:19,80
- Go on, Brian.
- Oh, right. Er...
476
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:22,240
So the chief says to the
Scotchman, "Death or Mau Mau?"
477
00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:24,280
The Scotchman says, "Mau Mau."
478
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:28,640
Oh... What's the Scotchman's
fruit, Geoff? Is it bananas?
479
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,600
No, it's smaller than that.
480
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:32,880
- Just a sec.
- Let's just say bananas.
481
00:23:33,00 --> 00:23:35,40
It's too big!
It spoils the next one!
482
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,200
- Apples?
- No!
483
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,840
- Strawberries?
- What, in the jungle?!
484
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:48,360
Oh, just think what it is
for a minute!
485
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,200
Strawberries, apples...
486
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:57,240
Hey, Bri, why are there
no aspirins in the jungle?
487
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:58,840
Don't know.
488
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:00,840
Cos the "parrots eat 'em all".
489
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,00
- Do you get it?
- Yeah.
490
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:08,80
See, I'd have said
"paracetamol".
491
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:13,200
Well, either way,
| think it works, y'know.
492
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:18,560
As you Can see,
the horned toad
493
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:23,120
requires only three droplets
on a slice of moist bread.
494
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,360
Only three? Well, look,
the thing is, I'm meant to be
495
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:27,880
- meeting my friend Martin...
- Moving on,
496
00:24:28,00 --> 00:24:32,160
Xenopus laevis is
a different species altogether.
497
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:33,520
| mean, the thing you've got
to remember, Brian,
498
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:34,880
everyone's banking
on this road.
499
00:24:35,00 --> 00:24:35,960
What if it doesn't happen?
500
00:24:36,80 --> 00:24:38,640
- | thought it was a dead cert.
- Well, you can't say that...
501
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:39,800
Plums!
502
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:42,80
You what?
503
00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:43,600
They're plums. Come on.
504
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,680
Oh, Geoff,
it doesn't matter now.
505
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:47,960
Of course it bloody matters!
It's right near the end.
506
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:50,720
There's only the Irishman left.
507
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:52,920
Come on, Brian. The chief
turns to the Irishman,
508
00:24:53,40 --> 00:24:54,200
he says, "Death or Mau Mau?"
509
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:56,600
- You didn't do the voice.
- Doesn't matter!
510
00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:57,840
Finish it.
511
00:24:57,960 --> 00:24:59,640
- | can't remember it.
- Finish it!
512
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:01,440
- Geoff, | can't remember it.
- Please!
513
00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:03,360
| honestly can't remember.
514
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:13,960
It's just a big bloody joke
to you, isn't it?
515
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:19,520
Isn't it? "Yeah, Geoff can't
tell a joke. Geoff is a joke.
516
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,360
"Geoff enters a talent
competition and loses."
517
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:26,800
Me mam said | would win.
518
00:25:30,40 --> 00:25:31,680
| was only eight!
519
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,240
You know I've got this gun,
don't you?
520
00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:38,440
Oh, you're all listening now!
And you...
521
00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,760
...are gonna tell this joke,
522
00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:43,600
and we're all gonna laugh!
523
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:46,920
Or else he gets it!
524
00:25:47,40 --> 00:25:48,560
All right, all right.
Calm down, Geoff.
525
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,120
Jesus! I'll finish the joke.
526
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:54,640
Er... The chief turns
to the Irishman and says,
527
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:55,960
"Death or Mau Mau?"
528
00:25:56,80 --> 00:25:58,520
And the Irishman looks
at his fruit...
529
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,880
- Pineapples! Pineapples!
- Agh! Agh!
530
00:26:01,00 --> 00:26:03,120
He looks at his pineapples
and he says,
531
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,680
"| don't think | could stand
532
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:07,880
"the Mau Mau.
I'll choose death."
533
00:26:08,00 --> 00:26:09,360
And the chief says to him...
534
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,440
(GUN CLICKS)
535
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:17,720
Get it right, Brian.
536
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:21,880
The chief says
to the Irishman...
537
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:27,120
| can't remember!
538
00:26:29,40 --> 00:26:30,240
He says,
539
00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:32,440
"Death by Mau Mau."
540
00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:37,600
- Have you heard it?
- Yeah.
541
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:39,360
It's good, though, isn't it?
542
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:43,960
Oi! Three Bluebirds!
543
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:48,600
(MICKEY IMITATES SIREN)
544
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:53,00
Excuse me. You haven't seen
someone waiting here, have you?
545
00:26:53,120 --> 00:26:55,400
What do they look like?
546
00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:57,800
28 years old.
547
00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:00,160
Brown hair.
548
00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:02,880
Name of Martin Lee.
549
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:06,800
| found the wallet
outside the shop.
550
00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:08,480
- Has he been in today?
- No!
551
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,440
| don't know anything!
552
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:15,40
Now, if you'll excuse me,
Officer, the shop is local.
553
00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:17,600
Well, perhaps your husband
saw something.
554
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,00
Is he on the premises?
555
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:22,00
He's...up the stairs,
556
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,320
cleansing the precious things
of the shop.
557
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:26,960
He can't walk, you see.
558
00:27:27,80 --> 00:27:29,120
And he's blind.
559
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:33,680
Hello, hello.
Tubbs, what's going on?
560
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:36,800
What's all this shouting?
We'll have no trouble here.
561
00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:38,480
Are you the proprietor?
562
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:39,640
Yes, yes.
563
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:42,80
Well, your wife said
you were up the stairs, sir.
564
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,80
| slipped out, Tubbs.
565
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:49,560
For a walk.
Didn't want to disturb you.
566
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:52,00
Fine evening. The town.
567
00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:53,360
We're very proud.
568
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:54,840
He's looking for a boy.
569
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:56,600
Poofter, eh?
570
00:27:58,80 --> 00:27:59,720
Little bummer boy.
571
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:02,960
Came across your type before,
in the Forces.
572
00:28:03,80 --> 00:28:05,360
You won't catch me
with my trousers down.
573
00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:08,840
Sir, | am here
on police business.
574
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:10,960
- | found this boy's wallet.
- Local boy?
575
00:28:11,80 --> 00:28:12,840
He's not from our town.
576
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:15,200
Ah. Do we know his parents?
577
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:18,600
| said we'd never seen him
before. Did Tubbs do right?
578
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:20,800
You did it beautifully, Tubbs!
579
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:27,160
There's your answer, sir.
Never seen this...boy before.
580
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:30,440
Now, if you will excuse us,
581
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:33,360
we've a shop to run.
582
00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:36,360
Yes, of course.
583
00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:39,560
Thank you
for your co-operation.
584
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:42,880
Good evening.
585
00:28:46,40 --> 00:28:47,920
We didn't burn him!
586
00:28:56,440 --> 00:28:58,280
| beg your pardon?
587
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:07,80
Edward?
588
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:10,680
Will more strangers come?
589
00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:12,800
Calm yourself, Tubbs.
590
00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:16,560
None shall come.
38210
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