All language subtitles for Hacks.2021.S02E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10.2_English

make you look like you're about
to be wheeled onto an airplane?

They scream, "I'm old."

Well, not me
and not these.

You want compression socks

that say "Paris,"
not "hospice."

You want--

God damn it, Weed!

You ruined another take.

It's so hot, Deb!

We need to turn on
the air conditioner!

- Well, as soon as I get
a clean take, you can.

Sweltering!

- Uh, and, Deborah, you forgot
the American flag print.

Ugh.

Stupid fucking American flag!
Okay.

- Okay, uh,
let's go from Halloween.

All right.

- Ugh, you ready?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Ready.

- Now, pay special attention
to these.

Look at those little witches
flying on their little brooms.

Look at that artistry.

Fabulous.

- Whew, those
compression socks are fierce.

What do you want?

Oh, uh, I was just thinking

maybe I should stay back
with Damien and Weed

while you're on the cruise.

- You're coming,
and you'll love it.

Cruises are fabulous,
especially gay ones.

- Sure, but being
in the middle of the ocean

is maybe the scariest thing
I can imagine,

since I can't swim.

- You can't?
- Yeah, I told you that.

Huh.

Must have blocked it out
'cause it's so sad.

- You'll wear a life jacket.
- All right.

I guess gay men will be
a good test audience

for the show,
so it's good if I'm there.

- No.
No, no, no, no, no.

No. This is a money gig.

The people want the old stuff.

I'm doing the classics
for my people.

Wealth hoarders?

Sorry.

Okay.

Fucking hell.

Fuck!

I was like, "Listen, bitch.

You have cankles.
Don't tell me what to do."

Mm.

- Mark,
do you want some of this?

- Okay, again,
it is Marcus.

And no, I have a breakfast
meeting across town.

- Wait, you're going
to work right now?

Yup, it is 7:00 a.m.

- Babe, we're your friends,
and you need to make sure

you're prioritizing
your mental health, okay?

- Seriously, like,
we're not doing double shifts

until this weekend
so we can have the week off.

- Okay, no offense,
but I'm not a waiter.

- I'm a CEO.
- Okay, Gru.

Who is Gru?

From "Despicable Me."

Leader of the Minions, honey.

- Oh, shit,
can I get a couple Addies?

- David, you just
literally did cocaine.

Yeah, I did. It's gone now.

Here.

All right, I'll see
you guys tomorrow night.

Okay, go make a deal, Gru.

Bye, Gru!

- Bye, boys.

- Wait, let's crush this.
Let's crush this.

Okay.

Huh. Lot of ladies.

- Hey, Deb!
- Oh, my God.

Margaret Cho.

Great to see you.
You look great.

- You look great.
- Thanks.

- So how were they?
- Uh,

audiences, B-minus,

but the cunnilingus, A-plus.

Huh.

I-I thought
this was a gay cruise.

It is.

Lesbians.

Good luck, Deb.

Oh. This is amazing.

No wonder you love cruises.

They're like the Vegas
of the sea.

No, it's terrible.

Gay men get me.
They always have.

Lesbians aren't my crowd.

And they're crawling
all over this boat.

- Oh, it's not a boat.
It's a ship.

- See? They don't like me
for some reason.

- Could it be
your hundreds of thousands

of jokes at their expense
over the years?

- I think they feel threatened.
- Okay.

I actually meant
this was amazing for me, so...

Nice Chacos!

Nice Chacos to you.

What'd you say?

Hey.

Do you guys by any chance
make mocktails?

Yup, what can I get you?

- I'm trying not
to drink alcohol right now

'cause I make very bad
decisions when I do,

which I know is like, "Duh,"

but when I think
about the person--

What can I get you?

- Could you do
a nonalcoholic frosé?

Yeah.

Well, hello there, m'lady.

Hey, how's it going?

I don't think I have seen you

on one of these trips before.

No, uh, first time, so...

- I know I'd remember
that strawberry mane.

- Lord.

- Yeah.
- I'm Linda.

Uh, Ava.

Nice to meet you.

Ava.

Oh.

Wow. Who are they?

Oh, them.

They come on all these cruises.

They're a real
Lavender Travel "it" couple.

- So they're together?
- Oh, yeah.

But a lot of people open
their relationships at sea.

Rules on land don't apply,
you know?

Right.

- That makes so much sense.
- Right.

Water is different from land.

Can you dump alcohol in that?

- Your pheromones are rocking,
mama.

Yeah.

I've been trying you.

Your assistant said
you were at anger management?

- She's not supposed
to tell people that, but yes.

Uh, it's horrible.

Russell Crowe is
my accountability partner.

Does he scream a lot?

Worse. He just whispers.

Pretty sure
he's a climate terrorist,

because he talks a lot

about "finding the oilmen
in their homes."

- Oh, my God.
- Chilling.

- Anyway, how are you?
- Not great.

I'm surrounded by lesbians.

- Huh. I did want to talk
to you, actually,

- about the casino showcase.
- Oh, good.

- Okay, hear me out.
Kind of interesting idea here.

What do you think
about a residency

at Terrible's casino?

- Jimmy, Terrible's
is 40 minutes off the Strip.

- I know.
I know it's not ideal.

Look, I have been
having some trouble

booking casinos on the Strip

or, honestly,
even slightly off the Strip.

- Well, just,
you know,

keep--keep on 'em.

- Yeah, I-I will.

And, um, good luck
with the, um, lesbians.

Yeah, thanks, Jimmy. Okay.

I'll talk to you later.
Bye-bye.

Hey. How's Jimmy?

- He's good, and good news
about the showcase.

- MGM is very interested.
- Amazing.

And in more amazing news,
I've been thinking.

And since we're
in international waters,

I think it's different,
and so I can drink.

I don't care.

These are just
artificial rules

you make up for yourself.

You should be
writing jokes for me.

I mean, you speak lesbian,
right,

- 'cause you're half?
- Deborah.

Deborah Vance?

Oh, my God, I can't believe
you're on this cruise.

- Hi.
- See? You have fans here.

- I bought a pair of your
jean-ish ankle leggings on QVC.

- Oh, one
of the best sellers, yeah.

Feels like you're not
wearing pants.

Cheaper than taking
a family of four to the movies.

- Yeah, well, the elastic band
gave out after one wash.

I've been trying
to return them for months.

- Oh.
Well, you know what?

I think you'll find
that if you contact

our crack QVC
customer care service team,

they will take care of you
in a jiffy.

You'll have to excuse us.
We're going to the buffet.

- Mm. I've been wanting
to go the buffet.

I would never.

I'm not gonna eat food
that's been seasoned

with the breath of 300 people,
thank you very much.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go.

Bon appétit.

- I'm fairly certain
I sent that email.

Is there no way
to avoid delay?

Jesus.

No, not you. Sorry.

Let me call you right back.

What are you doing here?

I told you I needed
to get work done today.

- Well, Joe looked like
he needed a belly rub.

- What do you mean looked like?
- Well,

we watch the puppy
on the puppy cam all day.

What? Why?

- Well,
because we needed a puppy fix

and you have a puppy.

- Honey, your place is a mess,
by the way.

You cannot be
employee of the month

and be the last one to leave
the club every night, Marcus.

- So you break into my house,
then tell me how to live.

- Honey,
I'm just trying to help.

Okay, Mom, stop. I'll get it.

I'll take care of it,
just like I take care

of you two and everything else.

- Excuse me,
I am very self-sufficient.

Who are you talking to?
You better check your boy.

Okay, maybe we should go.

Yeah, I think you should.

And I'm changing
my puppy cam password.

- Well, good,
'cause I don't want to see you

walk around
butt-ass naked noway.

Oh, my God.

So, Dad,

you always wanted
to see the Caribbean.

Hey.

Hey.

You play?

Oh, uh, tennis?

Yeah, I hit.

So annoyed there's
not a court on the boat.

- It's a ship.
- Oh, right, sorry.

- But, um,
do you know where pool two is?

- Yeah. Yeah, it's just--

I think it's
just past the zip line.

Thanks.

Are you going
to the "she-ano" bar tonight?

Uh, yeah, I'll be there.

Music is--
lets my soul on fire,

- so yeah, I'm going.
- Great.

I can't wait to see you then.

- Uh, you--I--also.

I heard there are

multiple Olympic athletes
on board.

Apparently
if we were a country,

we'd place at least fifth
in medals overall--at least.

Yippee.

You want to come out tonight,

be my wingman--wing...person?

- No, I'm gonna stay,
and I'm gonna take

one of those depression naps

you're always raving about.

Okay, jealous.

- Oh, no.
I missed a call from Marcus.

Ugh, I'm gonna murder him.

This is not like him.

He messed this cruise up
big-time.

- Well, maybe you need
to blow off some steam.

No, thank you.

But if you're planning
on seducing

any of these women out there,
you should fix your nails.

- I did them.
They're beautiful.

- Yeah, if you did them
while riding a jackhammer.

- No, look,

let me clean them up.

Okay.

Marty.

Why is Marty FaceTiming me?

- FaceTime at night?
Maybe he wants to, you know.

No.

How's my lipstick?

- It looks good.

Shit, why does he
do these things to me?

Oh, my God, you're stunning.

Hey, hey. Hello.

- God damn it.
Chunked that one.

Hello? Marty.

Oh, hey, Deb.

I must have butt-dialed you.

How you doing?

Oh, um, I'm great.

I'm good. How are you?

- I'm over 90
with three holes to go.

But other than that,
I'm doing great.

- Over 90
with three holes to go?

You sound like Hugh Hefner.

Listen, I gotta run.

Take care.
Hey, thanks for calling, Deb.

- I didn't call--

Golf is racist, right?

- Go wash your hands.
- Absolutely.

Can I ask you something?

- Oh, God.

- You know,
with all the invasive questions

you ask without permission,
I can only imagine what

perverse road
we're about to go down.

No, it's just...

I've been thinking
about the way

you talk about sex
in your act, and...

you have all these jokes about
unfulfilling sex with men.

- It's just a part
of my shtick.

Right, but...

that plus what I think
would be considered

an abundance
of k.d. lang material--

I'm not trying
to negate your identity, but...

Have you ever considered

being with a woman?

Yeah.

I'm with one right now,
and I wish I wasn't.

Okay. Come on.

I like men.

So no,
I've never considered it.

There are times
that I wished I was gay

because I think
dating women would be

a hell of a lot easier.

- But it wouldn't
have actually been, right?

To be queer when you grew up?

- No, no,
it wouldn't have been.

But doesn't really matter.

You know,
I got a crush on Paul McCartney

in seventh grade
and never looked back.

- That is the straightest
Beatle to have a crush on.

But have you ever considered,
like, why you like men?

- I don't understand
that question.

In my day,

you liked one,
or you liked the other.

I mean, why do some people
like jazz,

some people like classical?

You just like what you like.

Sure, but that's the thing.

I have listened
to all kinds of music,

and I'm not saying
you're wrong to like men--

I am into men too, sadly--

but I just, like--

I've realized that sometimes
I conflate the rush I feel

when a man
shows interest in me

with actual feelings
of attraction,

which makes sense
because it feels good

to get attention from the group
that's held up as, like,

the leader gods of society
or whatever.

- But I thought you were
born gay or straight,

and I have conceded
that there are

an elite few
that are born bisexual.

I mean, isn't that what
your generation's all about,

you know, "born this way"?

- I just think
there's room for more nuance.

Like, not every queer person
feels like they arrive

into existence
with an attraction to, like,

a specific kind of person,
and that's okay too.

Your sexuality isn't a choice,

but whether or not
you examine it, I think, is.

Hmm.

- Do you even know where
you are on the Kinsey scale?

It's a really handy tool.

So it measures your orientation
from zero to six.

I could pull it up on my phone.

I just, like,
keep it open on a tab--

- I know
what the Kinsey scale is.

Thank you, Professor,
for the seminar.

The Kinsey scale
is older than I am.

Oh, God,
I just depressed myself.

I do need
to go out for a drink.

- Whoa, whoa. What about
the rest of my manicure?

Oh, who cares?

Just put your left hand
in your pocket.

If it'll fit.

Thank you. Thanks.

- That's them.
- Hmm?

Oh.

And have you examined why you
feel attracted to these gals?

Because they're extremely hot.

- Mm-hmm.

But do you feel that society

has programmed you
to feel this way?

- You know,
not society at large.

More so
"The L Word"

and the U.S. Women's
National Soccer Team.

- Okay,
I'll be your wingman.

Okay.

Watch and learn.

Excuse me, ladies.

Would you settle a bet for us?

- Sure.
- Sure.

I gave my...

platonic traveling partner
a manicure

on one hand only,

and we want you to pick
the one you think is best.

Yeah, let's see it.

The right.

- Wow, your hands are so soft.
- Insane.

- Oh, that's the
Sisleya L'Integral Anti-Age

Hand Care Concentrate.

It's all about
active botanicals.

You guys into botanicals?

- Well,
to be honest,

we think it's a binary and...

you're just born gay
or straight.

- Totally, totally.
100%.

Oh, fuck.

- Well, listen,
we gotta go meet up

with a date
for the rest of the night.

- Okay, well, uh,
nice talking to you guys.

- Would you want
to hang tomorrow?

Drinks by the pool
at, like, 10:00?

- Yes, that would be--
yeah, that'd be great.

- Cool.
- Great.

- Well, we'll see you then.
- All right.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

I'm on the books.

You're welcome.

- I'm sorry, I hate to be
that person, but...

I'm such a fan.

Oh, please don't apologize.

I love you being that person.

- You're hilarious.
- Oh.

- No, but seriously,
you're just

so amazing
in everything that you do.

Thank you.

- Marla.
- Oh, Deborah.

Nice to meet you.

Well, I don't want
to take any more

of your time,
uh, Deborah,

but I just--
thank you, thanks.

- Marla.
- Yeah?

- Would you like
to buy me a drink?

Absolutely.

Excuse me.

Oh.

Oh, I love that song.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I've gotta--
I've gotta get closer.

- I'm sorry.
I'm gonna take this now.

Oh.

- Hey, hey, hey.
How 'bout another one?

Yeah!

- Okay, that cover
needs to be on iTunes.

- Oh!
Stop.

Ava, Ava, Ava,
I was thinking about

what you said last night,
and look at me.

Look at me.
I'm eating at the buffet.

- Buffets aren't
inherently queer, but sure.

- See you at your show
tonight, Deb.

Oh, can't wait.

I can't believe
how wrong I was.

I mean, I should have
embraced lesbians years ago.

They love women,
and I'm a fabulous one.

I mean, it just
makes perfect sense.

I'm a high femme, apparently.

Just learned that
in the buffet line.

Nice Chacos.

Ladies and ladies,

please welcome to the stage

Deborah Vance!

Oh, no.

She's doing Ellen.

You know, I gotta say,

I can't believe so many women
came tonight...

And all at the same time.

- So now I'm like, "Fuck it,
I'm gonna start voting."

Wait, you never voted before?

- You want some?
- What is it?

- Whiskey, we snuck it in.
- God.

Here. Open up a tab
and get whatever you want.

- Yes!
- Thanks, Daddy. Excuse me.

Be right back.

Oh, my God, hi.

Oh. Whoa.

It's so good to see you.

I thought you hated clubs.

- Oh, I do.
But now I like it.

Oh, my God, how was Zion?
"Zi-un"?

- Zion.
It was really fun.

I really wanted to go, but...

I guess I really
fucked that up.

I don't know
what's wrong with me.

- I don't really think this is
the place to have that convo.

But maybe we can talk
another time.

We can't.

I blocked your number.

- Oh, okay. Wow.
- Yeah. I had to.

I don't trust myself
not to call or text you.

And if I do call or text you,
I don't trust myself

not to tell you
that I love you,

which I shouldn't say
'cause you don't love me back.

I'm saying it now
because I'm on Molly.

- Molly.
- Yeah.

Got ya.

- But I do mean
what I'm saying.

I'm just saying it
'cause I'm on Molly.

- Well, yeah,
I heard you the first time.

- Are you here with anyone?
- Yeah.

Over there.

Oh, those guys.

Yeah.

- Wilson, I want you
to meet someone.

One sec.

Do you have a ride home?

Yeah. Why?

I can go with you.

Oh.

No, no.
I'm just making sure.

Take care, okay?

Okay.

- It's terrible.

You know,
I have to tell you guys,

I've had the best time here.

Thank you so much.

Truly, truly.

And I'm gonna tell you
something honestly.

When I first found out I was
booked on a lesbian cruise,

I was angry.

But you have welcomed me
with open arms,

and I am so flattered.

And if you know me at all,
you know

that flattery
is my biggest turn-on.

I mean, I should have known
women know how to treat women.

I mean,
what have I been doing

all these years,
wasting my time with men?

I mean, you have no idea
what it's like waiting around

all day for your partner
to finish playing golf.

Well, probably because
you were both playing golf.

Oh, she didn't like that one.

She must be distracted.

Excuse me, miss.

My jokes are up here.

- Don't worry,
you're not really my type.

- Oh, she's not into me.
This lesbian must be broken.

You wrote these?

Doesn't sound like you,
my fuego chick.

- No, she's going off-book.

- Eh, it's okay.
Doesn't matter.

I mean,
I'm out of her league, right?

Oh, come on, I'm playing.

I mean, I know I'm your type.

Yeah, you were
flirting with me all night.

Uh, you're not.

I was actually
just trying to get my wife

a refund for her leggings.

- Oh, Christ.
Well, you know what?

You're not my type either,
lady.

You're a lady.

Good luck with your marriage.
Your wife's obsessed with me.

No, I am not.

No, I am not.

- Hey, well, you, hey,
you there in the second row.

I mean, would you date me?
I mean, you're reading a book.

- Um, actually,
I'm married to the captain.

- The captain.
Oh, God. Bring him out.

I love a man in uniform.

She's a woman.

The captain's a woman?

Oh, God.

Hope we don't have
to parallel park this thing.

Oh, please.

It's not a lesbian joke.

It's a woman joke.
Everyone hates women!

What? They do.

Well, you missed!

I thought you were all
Olympians!

Shit.

Joe, did you chew this?

Joe?

Joe?

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Can someone help? Please?

- Sir, please calm down.
What happened?

- I think he got
into some Adderall

when I was at Queergasm--
um, an event.

- Okay. Just give him to me
and have a seat.

Sam, I need you.

- Shots?
- At 10:00 a.m.?

- Why not?
- Sure, I mean, 100%.

Don't talk to me till I've had
my vodka, you know?

- Mm-hmm.

- Tastes weird
after toothpaste.

- Wow, okay,
you're hot and funny?

I guess.

Ugh.

- Hi.
- Miss Vance.

Yes.

- Can I speak to you
for a moment?

Of course.

A lot of the guests

were very offended last night,

especially the captain's wife.

And apparently you hit
someone with a shoe.

It was thrown at me.

I was returning it.

- Well, the passengers
have held a quorum.

A quorum?

There's been a vote,

and they want you off.

Off?

Ouch, that's a nasty bruise.

- Oh, yeah,
I got bored in my room,

and I tried to do a cartwheel,
and I hit my leg really hard.

Aww. Poor baby.

Should I kiss it?

Yeah.

- Ava!

Get your shit. We're leaving.

Leaving? What?

No, we're in the middle
of the ocean, and...no!

- Yeah, well,
there was a quorum,

and it didn't go our way.
We're off.

- Okay, well, I'll meet you
at the dock, then.

- The dinghy
will be here in ten.

Dinghy?

- Right this way.
Right this way, Miss Vance.

I'm fine.

Watch your step.

- Let go of me.
- Watch your step.

Let go of me!

Why didn't you just make us
walk the fucking plank?

Hey, Deborah!

Try again, bitch.

What? Oh!

- Piece-of-shit leggings.

Bye.

- You know what,
Deborah?

Your orientation isn't gay
or straight.

It's egomaniac.

- Ah, this waistband
is kind of loose.

Yeah, should have done
another round of testing.

Oh, no.

The Molly's hitting.

What?

- I might have to dance.
- You did Molly?

Okay, I can't watch this.

Oh, oh, is that a dolphin?

Right there.

- No, that's trash.
- Oh, God.

- Hey, buddy.
- Oh, Sam, Sam, no.

We are not releasing
that dog right now.

- What?
- I'm sorry, but...

you're clearly on drugs,

and it is my professional
and moral obligation

to keep this animal
from harm.

- Okay, you can't
keep my dog from me.

I actually can.

- Okay, this is ridiculous.
I'm fine, okay?

I'm a responsible person.
I can take care of a dog.

I-I run a fucking
multimillion-dollar company!

Can my mother pick him up?

Sure.

Put him in room three.

Shit.

Deborah.

It was not a gay cruise.

It was a lesbian cruise!

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

I was almost
a victim of unprovoked

physical violence.

I'm sorry.

Where have you been?

Fuck.

Look, I'm so sorry.

I thought I read that contract,
but I must have just

DocuSigned it quickly.

And I was dealing
with Roy that day,

and I approved
the wrong lookbook,

and it goes
into production today,

and, Deborah,
I know it's no excuse,

but I haven't been
sleeping well lately.

And my dog...

Oh, Marcus. Marcus.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

Look, look, why don't you
come join us on the road?

Wait, why?

You need me?
Is Alice not working out?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she's gone,
so I do need you.

Okay.

I'll be on the next flight.

Good, great.

Okay, I'll see you soon.

See you soon.

They kicked you off the boat?

It's a ship,

and you're fired.

Hmm.

Well, FYI,

I ate some of your fancy cream

'cause I thought it was dip.

And it's really dangerous
to keep it in the fridge.

Good luck getting
to Springfield on time!